All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 7 - Mike Faces Life - full transcript

When Gloria gets her paycheck in the mail, it is good news and bad news. The good news is that the check is more than she expected. The bad news is that the check also comes enclosed with a pink slip. Determined to find out why she has been fired, she and Mike pay a visit to the boss Mr. Crenshaw. Mike becomes angry and demands to know why Gloria was let go. Crenshaw is records the parts of their conversation that makes Mike look like he is threatening him, but turns it off to confesses that he fired Gloria because she is pregnant, stating that she looks like Alfred Hitchcock in drag. The smug little man assures Mike that he and Gloria can sue him but that they have no evidence. Gloria organizes a protest outside the store that is interrupted by the cops - one of whom is pregnant and joins the protest. The store, with its back to the wall, gives Gloria her job back.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

"Slip the large wing
nut over the pipes."

Yeah, I think I did
that. Then what?

"Screw the two smaller pipes
of the union to the new pipes."

Yeah, I think I did
that. Then what?

Call the plumber.


That ain't in the book,
Mike, I made that up myself.

Ma, don't worry, I think
I got this thing fixed.

All right, Ma, when I say,
"okay", turn on the water, okay?


No! Ma, Ma, Ma!

Turn it off! Turn it off!
Turn it off! Turn it off.

Turn it off. I don't
think I fixed it.

Here, oh, look at you. Yeah.

Don't... Don't you think it's
time you called a plumber now?

No, no, Ma. I'm tellin'
you we can't afford it.

Gloria and I are on
a very strict budget.

Nowadays, the only person that can
afford a plumber, is another plumber.

No, I think I'll come
back to the sink later.

Well, ain't you gonna
change your shirt?

No, it's all right,
Ma. It's all right.

I gotta... I gotta fix
the front door lock.

Well, what's the matter with it?

Well, it's, uh, loose.
I gotta screw it in.

All right, let's see.
Where's my Phillips?

You gonna use Milk of
Magnesia on this door there?

No, no, no, Ma. It's
a Phillips screwdriver.


Oh, I better go home and say
goodbye to Archie before he leaves.

Hey, Ma, what goes Archie
do for a whole weekend

at those veterans' conventions?

Oh, well, I don't know. He
never remembers nothin'.

I guess the less he remembers,
the more fun he's had.


Hey, I must've done somethin'
wrong. This thing works.

Oh, good.

Yup. Now our little home is safe from all
crooks, kooks, and all types of intruders.

Good evening, fellow Americans.

Except one.

There, see, all set to go here.

♪ Oh, it's a long
way to tickle Mary

♪ It's a long way to go

♪ And yet we all tickle
Mary Oh, stop that now.

♪ 'Cause Mary giggles so

♪ Oh, we all
tickle Mary Stop it.

♪ And Mary yells, "Oh, gee!"

♪ But nobody ever kisses Mary

♪ 'Cause she caught VD ♪


Ha-ha, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, about face here! Return
that salute there, soldier.

Oh, Archie. At ease!

Oh, I'll never forget how
handsome you looked

the first day you
marched off to war.

Oh, yeah, hey, me and
Buster Brinkley, huh?

We were the first two guys
in this neighborhood to enlist.

Yeah, and you was the first
ones to get your draft notices, too.

Stifle yourself, will you? We
was gonna volunteer anyway.

Gee, poor old Buster. I wonder if he's
gonna be at the convention this year.

You know, it's a shame to see
a guy like that in a wheelchair.

I didn't know
Buster got wounded.

Oh, yeah, at last
year's convention.

He zapped the belly dancer
with his electric cane, you know?

And her boyfriend come
over and broke both his legs.

Doesn't make any sense to throw
away all that money on a crazy weekend.

I mean, a... a bunch of
grown men acting like kids.

What do you mean,
actin' like kids?

We do a lot of big stuff there.

We make speeches, we
listen to other speeches there.

We take care of all
the affairs of the world.

Take care of
important things there.

Did you pack
everything you need?

Oh, yeah. I got my
whoopie cushion, yeah.

I've got my police whistle
for screwin' up traffic.

I got my balloons to make the
water bombs to drop out the window.

And the itchin' powder for
the topless waitresses. Oh.



Did you hear that? You know who
that is? That's the guys out there.

Okay, fellows!
Okay! Hang on there!

I'll be right with you, guys!


Now you take care of the two
girls while I'm gone, huh, Meathead?

Don't worry, Arch. If
the commies attack,

I'll hold them off with my
carnation that squirts water.

Put it there. Oh, no. No, no.

I'm not gonna shake that
hand. You got a buzzer in there.

I ain't got nothin' in
that hand. Look at that.

This guy is suspective
of everything. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Archie. Yeah,
goodbye, Edith. Goodbye.

We'll miss you. Goodbye, Edith.



♪ It's a long way To tickle Mary

♪ It's long way... ♪

(CAR HONKING) Oh, goodbye,
Archie. Have a good time.

And be careful. Don't get
lost. Stay with the other boys.


Old soldiers never die.

They just go off to
conventions and destroy cities.

Well, I'll come back to
the front door lock later.

I'll try my hand at the furnace.

Oh, Mike, please be careful.

Make sure there
ain't no gas leakin'.

Oh, I had an Uncle Virgil, once,

who used to sneak down to
the basement to smoke a cigar

on account of my Aunt
Edna didn't like cigar smoke.

Well, one night, he
sneaked down for a smoke

and he didn't know there
was gas leakin'. He found out.

And that's the last Aunt
Edna ever saw of Uncle Virgil.

Or the furnace,
or the front porch.

Hey, Ma, didn't any of your
uncles ever die of old age?

Oh, yeah.

My Uncle Ralph was hit by
a trolley car when he was 80.

Hi, Ma. Oh, hi, Gloria.

(HAMMERING) What's that?

Well, it's Mike. He's been
workin' around the house all day.

Oh, how's he doin'?

Well, we ain't done
nothin' that can't be fixed.

Oh, you smell so
good. What is that?

Oh, that's Voulez-Vous, Ma. Oh.

It's the finest cologne
we sell in the store. Oh.

I'd buy some myself, if we
weren't so short on money.

Gloria, if you and Mike
are ever short on money,

you can come to Archie and me.

Oh, thanks, Ma, but you
know how proud Michael is.

Why, he wouldn't
take 10 cents from you.

Oh, we can afford
more than that.


MIKE: Oh, gee!
Son of a... Honey?


Are you all right? No, I'm
yelling because I'm having fun!

Damn it! I'm sorry,
Ma. That's all right.

Hell! I'm sorry,
Ma. That's all right.

Damn! I'm sorry,
Ma. All right. All right.

What happened?

Oh, I was trying to scrape
some rust off the furnace

and I smashed my
hand with a big wrench.

Oh, honey. Why
didn't you use a chisel?

Because I thought a
wrench would hurt more.

Cold water. Put it
under cold water.

Yeah, we'll put it under cold
water. We can't, it's busted.

Oh, sit down, honey and
I'll get you an ice cube.

Oh, ice cubes,
yeah, that's good.

Michael, you've got
lots of papers to correct.

You shouldn't be
doing all these repairs.

Who else is gonna do it? I'm
the only repairman I can afford.

Gee, what a rotten
time we're livin' in.

Inflation, recession... I got a
weekly salary that lasts four days.

Well, my salary holds us over for the
other three days, so we're doin' okay.

Unless we get hit
by an eight day week.

We're barely managing.
We're in a trap!

Where can a man go to seek
his fortune? To get a fresh deal?

A new roll at a dice? A
new spin of the wheel?

Mike, gamblin' ain't
never the answer.

I don't know what the answer is.

All I know is, I can't even
afford to take my own wife out.

You know, we're the
only couple on this block

that hasn't seen Jaws?

Well, that's 'cause it would
cost us an arm and a leg.

You know, Archie and me had fun
even when we didn't have much money.

I mean we couldn't afford
to buy a television set

but we watched TV on the sidewalk
outside of Copperman's appliance store.

And it didn't cost us nothin'.

Oh, I'll never forget
it, they had five sets

and Milton Berle was
on every one of them.

Oh, my, we laughed when he said,
"Good evening, ladies and germs."

Of course he should've
said, "Ladies and gentlemen",

but he kept makin' the
same mistake every week.

And people still laughed at him.

Well, I suppose that was because
he was wearin' a dress when he said it.

You know, I was five years old
when Daddy got us our first TV.

It was six inches square, so I always
thought Milton Berle was this big.

Hey, remember how Uncle Milty
used to walk out on the stage?


"I'll kill you a million times."

Yeah, he did the funny thing.
Remember the theme song?

♪ Oh, we're the men of Texaco

♪ We work from Maine to Mexico

♪ There's nothing like

ALL: ♪ This Texaco of ours

♪ Our show tonight is powerful

♪ We'll wow you
with an hour full

♪ Of howls from a
shower full of stars

♪ We're the merry Texaco men

♪ Tonight we will be showmen

♪ Tomorrow we'll be
servicing your cars ♪

Ouch! You stepped on the foot!
You stepped on the foot! Ow, ow, ow.

Watch the hand! The hand! Oh!

I'm sorry. I got something
here that'll cheer you up.

Look, today was
payday. I got my check.

Oh, great. Oh.

$160! Why, that's
double my salary.

Hey, maybe it's
got a bonus there.

EDITH: $160?

And I got a pink slip.

I've been fired.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Michael.

Good night, ladies and germs.

Gloria, you ain't
hardly touched nothin'.

I'm not hungry, Ma.

You were right, Michael.
What a lousy time to live.

Oh, come on, honey. Don't
talk that way. Come on, cheer up.

Why would they fire me
like that? I'm a good person.

And an excellent employee.

Maybe I went to the
water cooler too often.

Or to the ladies'
room too many times.

Well if you did one, they can't
blame you for doing the other.

Did you hear what
Ma said? That's funny.

If you did one, they can't
blame you for doing the-the...

♪ Oh, we are the men from Texaco

♪ We work from Maine to Mexico

nothing like this Texaco of ours... ♪


Come on, honey, snap out of
it. It's not the end of the world.

Michael, we needed that
money I was bringing in.

What was I supposed to
do to keep my job, anyway?

Have an affair with the
head of the department?

Certainly not at
the same salary.

Oh. Oh.



Do you think maybe
that's the store?

Maybe they changed their mind?

EDITH: I hope so.

Ma? Ma, would you
get it? I'm too nervous.


No, you must have
the wrong number.


No! This ain't pussycat.
It's Edith Bunker.

Archie! It's your
father, it's Archie.

Is he havin' fun?

Gloria wants to know
if you're havin' fun at...


Gloria's your daughter.

He's havin' fun.

Yeah, I got 'em at
home in the piano bench.

At home! On Howser Street. Yeah.

I'll go there and I'll get 'em out of
the bench and you call me there.

Yeah. Goodbye, Archie.

Is Daddy looped already?

He's sharin' a hotel room
with a Puerto Rican corporal,

and he wants me to read
him the words to My Buddy.

He's smashed.

I'll be back later and
help you with the dishes.

Oh, don't bother, Ma. I'm
a full-time housewife now.

No pay, but the work is steady.

Don't forget the
fringe benefits.

I'll tell you what, I've gotta go
upstairs, and correct some papers,

why don't you come
up after a while?

What for?

I don't know, we'll
think of somethin'.

"Notice of dismissal."


♪ We are the men from
Texaco We work... ♪

Sheila? Hi, Sheila
Tishman. Hi, honey. Hi, doll.

Gee, you haven't
been over in a while.

Oh, I love what you
did with the place.

Yeah? I'm crazy about plaid.

Oh, we've been workin' real
hard. Could I get you some coffee?

No thanks. I got a date with a real
drag and it might keep me awake.

Someone from the store?

Luke Willis in Refrigerators.

You know, Cool Hand Luke?

Oh, I brought you your
stuff from your locker.

Thanks, Sheila. Listen, you
work across the aisle from me,

have you any idea
why they fired me?

Honey, you are talking to
the Rona Barrett of Cressler's.

You broke our personnel
manager's 11th commandment.

Thou shalt not commit pregnancy.

They can't fire a woman
just because she's pregnant.

Didn't the Supreme
Court decide that?

Heather Bancroft was
fired in her third month.

Heather Bancroft. When
did she get married?

In her ninth month.

So you see,
you're not the first.

Gloria, did I leave
my briefcase...

Oh, honey, you remember
Sheila Tishman, don't you?

Yeah, hi, Sheila. Hi, Mike.

Sheila just told me that I was
fired because I'm pregnant.

How... How do you know?

Higgins in Accounting
talks in his sleep.

He dozes off at movies.

Wait... Wait a minute.

But Cressler's can't do
that. That's against the law.

It's penalizing the human race
for reproducing themselves.

Who is in charge
of hiring and firing?

D. Bertram Crenshaw III.

D. Bertram Crenshaw III.

Well, when I get through with
him, there's not gonna be a fourth.

In conclusion, Mr. Kramer, your
faithful service is highly appreciated,

and be assured that
this notice of termination

coming two weeks before your
eligibility for our pension fund

is merely coincidence.

A man with your
40 years experience

should have no difficulty
in finding another job.

Cordially yours, D.
Bertram Crenshaw,

Personnel Director.


Gloria Stivic? Uh, tell
her I'm in a meeting.

Helen Kincaid, 169...

I'm sorry to interrupt your
meeting, but I am Michael Stivic

and I have one
question to ask you!

Mr. Stivic, as you can
see, I am very, very busy!

Mr. Crenshaw, as you can
see, I am very, very angry!

Yes, I can see that!

Therefore, I, uh, I'll, uh,
I'll give you five minutes.

I have a New York
State law here that says

it is illegal for any employer to
fire women because of pregnancy.

Well, that's an excellent
law. I approve of it thoroughly.

That has nothing to do with me.

My wife is pregnant.

That has nothing to
do with me either but...

Mr. Crenshaw, I
was fired yesterday

and we came here to find out if I
was fired because I'm pregnant.

Oh, no, no, no. No, that
would be against the law.

No, no, no, Cressler's
does not discriminate.

We are an equal
opportunity employer.

We're very, very proud of our
blacks in the maintenance department.

And our-our Puerto
Rican window-washers.

And our Filipino
elevator operators.

What, no Indians?

We have three in our window
display every Thanksgiving.

Mr. Crenshaw, we're talking
about sex discrimination.

That's right. You fired my
wife because she is pregnant!

Now, why won't you admit that?

The door, Mr. Stivic. The door.

Oh, yes, of course,
Mr. Crenshaw, the door.

(STAMMERING) Mr. Stivic,
you are being irrational.

That's right, Mr. Crenshaw,
I'm being irrational. Honey.

I'm being very irrational.
That is the way I get

when I am not
being told the truth!

My eyes bug out,
my fists start to clench

and I just feel like
hittin' somethin'!

Melons! Crenshaw melons!

Mr. Stivic, I am
going to call security.

You better call your company
nurse who I'm sure is a token Eskimo!

Yeah, and not pregnant!

Actually, he is
neither of those things.

You better give me the truth, now,
because you're dealing with a lunatic!

I'm a cuckoo now, I
want the truth right now!

All right. You want the truth,
I... I will... I'll give you the truth.

Look at this, we're in
the Oval Office here.

Your wife was fired
because she is pregnant.

Cressler's has an image
of fashion, style and beauty.

And that image isn't
going to be helped

by a girl who very soon is going
to look like Alfred Hitchcock in drag.

Alfred Hitchcock?

In drag.

That is not fair, Mr. Crenshaw.

Charlie Simmons in Sportswear, why, he has
a stomach bigger than any pregnant woman.

Ah, but Charlie Simmons happens
to be in ski togs for the portly.

You wanted the truth
and I gave you the truth,

and I will swear on a stack
of Bibles that I never said it,

so, sue me.

We may just have to settle
this little thing out of court.

Crenshaw, you just make sure
that you don't give my wife's job away

because she is going to be
back to work Monday morning!

Oh, are you threatening me,
Mr. Stivic? You're going over my head?

That's right, Mr. Crenshaw,
I'm going over your head!

Way over your head! I'm going
to the world! Come on, Gloria.

No one, no one is going to
deny you your constitutional rights!

Power to the preggos!

Let the records show that
as Mrs. Stivic left the office,

she raised her hand
in a communist salute.

GLORIA: Most probably over here.

Come on, Gloria, hurry up.

Didn't they say it was gonna be on
the news between 5:00 and 5:15?

Yeah. Oh, honey, it's 5:00 now.

Oh, I'll bring the television
set down from upstairs.


Alfred Hitchcock, my foot.

Ma! You there?

Yeah, what happened?

Oh, Ma, it's so exciting. We went
to see the Personnel Manager,

Yeah? and he turned
out to be such a stinker.

So Michael threatened to punch him in
his nose and I got my job back anyway.

And you're gonna see how
it all happened on television.

I got the TV. Michael had
a wonderful idea. Yeah.

Hi, Ma. Hi. Mike.

You see, Cressler's makes so much
money from pregnant women, you know,

maternity outfits, layettes,
bassinets, baby clothes,

so Michael decided that they
wouldn't wanna lose that market. So...

It's comin' on, quiet. You
mean you're going to be on TV?

Yeah! Quiet.

ANNOUNCER: when Gloria Stivic,
who insisted she was fired from Cressler's

because she was
pregnant, was reinstated.



Oh, Gloria, there you
are. Oh, you're on TV.

GLORIA: Oh, there's
Mr. Crenshaw, look at him.

That's Mr. Crenshaw.

GLORIA: Look at him.


He's the one that fired me.

This is the one.

police were called.

Officers Davis and
Harris responded.

Cressler's does
not discriminate.

ANNOUNCER: Officer Davis, who
was also pregnant, joined the picket line.

Oh, that must be a
maternity uniform.

Did you do all that, Mike?

No, Ma, it was my
idea for the picketing,

but it was Gloria's
idea to call up a doctor

and ask him to send down
all his pregnant patients.

And, so along with Black Power,
Brown Power and Red Power,

we now add Preggo Power.

Both Gloria Stivic and baby will
be back to work Monday morning.

And now on the
latest news... Oh!

Hey! How about that, huh?

Oh, I... I just wish they hadn't
mentioned your name, Gloria,

now every crackpot in the
city is gonna be callin' us.

Yup, there, see what I mean?

Gee, I wonder how
many Americans saw me.

Oh, millions, Gloria.

You was on right
after Dinah Shore.


What do you mean, indecent?

Well, you know what you can do with
your stupid opinions, you loudmouth drunk.

What is that supposed to mean?

What a crazy guy. Starts
singin' My Buddy to me.




the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.