All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 21 - Love by Appointment - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, honey, uh,
you look a little tired.

What do you say we relax,

cuddle up on the couch
and turn the TV on?

Nah.

What do you say? We relax, cuddle
up on the couch and turn each other on.

I'm sorry, Michael, but the only
chance I get to do my housework

is when Joey's asleep.

Yeah. You know,
I've been thinkin',

we can use a trip some place.

What do you, what do you, what do
you think about a second honeymoon?

A second honeymoon, where?

How about upstairs?

Someone's in a romantic mood.



Yeah, I was hopin'
you would be, too.

You know, uh, honey, lately you...
you haven't had much time for me.

Oh, Michael, I haven't had
much time for anything lately.

I've got a baby to
take care of, you know,

and he's startin'
to get diaper rash.

Yeah. You also have a
husband to take care of

and he's startin' to
get pimples again.

You just don't realize how much
work there is to do in this house.

No, I know. I know.

Maybe, uh...

Maybe we should get
another woman to help out.

I don't need a woman to help me.

I was talkin' about me.

Honey, what I'm tryin' to say
is that I just don't feel loved.

I mean, that spontaneity is goin'
out of our marriage. Oh, come on.

No, I mean, before we had Joey,

we did whatever we wanted
to, whenever we wanted to.

That's how we got Joey.

I'm not laughin'.

Oh, Michael, babies
need lots of attention.

You do love your son, don't you?

Yeah, yeah. I love
him and I love you.

Oh, and I love you, too.

How come in a house that's
so full of love, I'm not gettin' any?

You know what it is,
you know what it is.

You... You're
over-concerned with Joey.

You're overprotective.

You're... You're smothering
him with attention.

You know, psychiatrists
call that momism.

You know what that can cause?

Homosexuality, that's right.

Oh, Michael, I've never
heard so much misinformation.

Y-You think you
could go that way?

Not me. Joey.

I'm not laughing again.

Oh, well, then don't
accuse me of momism.

I'm no different than
any other new mother.

What time is it? Uh.

Mmm. It's 12:00! So what?

But Joey should be awake by now.

That's exactly what
I'm talkin' about.

Gee, if you, if you spend half as
much time with me as you do with Joey,

I would be ecstatic.

I read about this. The husband
who's jealous of his own child.

You're a textbook cliche.

You are quoting textbooks
to me, a college instructor?

Gloria, you are the cliche.

The overprotective mother who
accuses the neglected husband of jealousy,

but it is all a
defense mechanism

to cover her own guilt feelings.

Meanwhile, tensions between
the husband and wife mount,

which creates anxiety
and insecurity in a child,

which causes
neurosis in later life.

Yeah, I saw that story
on Medical Center.

No, you're not only a
cliche, you're a rerun.

(EXCLAIMS)

Gloria, I...

I'm just not feeling
important in your life anymore.

Michael.

Don't you ever feel that way.

You... You're the most
important thing in the world to me.

You're my husband,
you're my life.

You're the dearest, the
sweetest, the sexiest...

(JOEY CRYING)

The baby's awake. Damn it!
Wait a second, wait a second.

Wait a second. I
think he stopped.

Yeah, he was probably just
cryin' in his sleep a little bit.

But... Like I've
been doin' lately.

I should... Yeah, you should,
you should. You should, what?

You should what? You should
kiss your husband, that's what?

Oh, jeez.

Let's not cause a draft, Edith.

If they sneeze now
they'd kill each other.

Excuse us. Come on,
Archie, we're interrupting.

Where are we goin'? I'm
where I wanna be, here.

Hiya, Daddy. Hi, little girl.

Hi. Hi, Ma.

Well, bring Joey out.
I wanna look at him.

Arch, uh, you wanna take
Joey for a walk? Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I'm not walkin'
him in this filthy city here.

Jeez, between the
pigeons and the dogs,

you don't know whether
to look up or look down.

Ma, uh, Gloria and I were
thinkin' of catching an early movie.

Would you mind takin'
Joey for the afternoon?

Oh, no! We'd love it.

And that's nice. A
matinee is always nice.

Yeah, I'd love a matinee.

What picture are you gonna see?

Oh, well, we were
gonna go to the Loews.

Loews don't have a matinee.
They don't open till 6:00.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't you know what
he means by matinee?

Sure.

I don't think you do.

Forget it. I'll tell you
on your next birthday.

Oh!

The light come on.

I'll get Joey.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
Mom. He's not awake yet.

Wait a second! I think I
heard him! I heard him!

Joey, we heard you!

Darling, that's all right.
Grandma's coming. Stop crying!

Yeah, and I didn't
hear nothin' up there.

It's a father's ears,
Arch, a father's ears. Oh.

Uh, Gloria, why don't you go
get the formula, huh? That's nice.

Hey, uh, Arch, look,

I really appreciate you
takin' Joey for the afternoon.

I-It means a lot to me.

Jeez.

I mean, don't get
me wrong, Meathead.

It ain't that I'm against it, but you
know, it's only 12:00 in the morning.

You know, what the hell? Maybe
Joey needs a new little brother, huh?

Come on. Could be, you know.

A brother's a nice thing to have.
Brothers help each other in life.

They move right up the
line to get right to the top.

For instance, take your Roosevelt
brothers, Franklin and Teddy.

Your Rockefeller brothers,
Nelson and Eddie, hmm?

And here is the first
of the Stivic brothers.

Shh! He's asleep.

Here are the bottles, Ma. Okay.

Oh, and did you remember
these are for his diaper rash?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
We'll take good care of him.

Okay. Oh, and, Ma, don't forget
to turn him over once in a while.

Oh, sure. Oh, jeez.

Now she'll be flippin'
him all day like a flapjack.

Okay, bye. Bye. Bye.

(SIGHING)

I'm all yours.

What's the matter?

Uh...

I... I don't... I don't know.

But, Michael, this is what you
wanted and we're here alone now.

Yeah, but, uh...

I-It just seems so planned.

It is.

I mean, I w-w-was hopin'
that when it happened,

it would happen the way it used
to, you know, spontaneously.

(SIGHING)

What do you want, a massage?

Not if you ask that way.

And if you're gonna
give me a massage,

don't tell me you're gonna
give it, just start givin' it.

Don't you see if you tell me
it ruins the surprise? Jeez.

All right. Just do
something to surprise me.

I can't, Michael.

I'm not in the mood.

I don't feel well.

Oh, what's the
date today? Oh, no.

Surprise!

That's terrible!

That's... That's not the
kind of surprise I meant.

If you give me a surprise, it's
supposed to make me happy.

That didn't make me happy.

All right, look, look,
look. All right, wait, wait.

All right, c-come
here, come here.

L-Look, this is what I'm
talkin' about. Now watch this.

You see that's spontaneous.

Um...

All right, wait. Here we go.

Oh, now you're gonna
carry me upstairs?

Well, don't say it!

I mean, Gloria, if
you're gonna say it

that takes the
spontaneity out of it.

I'm sorry. Then carry
me out to the kitchen.

Damn it! That was
my second idea.

Now, look, Gloria, will you
just please don't say anything?

Let me think of somethin'
else spontaneous to do.

Take as long as you want. It's the
first time I've been off my feet all day.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll go over to the couch.

I can think a lot
better on the couch.

It's a very spontaneous
piece of furniture.

Here we go. Wait a minute.

Where are you?
What's the matter?

I think I hear Joey.

What are you... What are you
talkin' about? I don't hear anything.

No, I heard Joey crying.

Gloria, wait. You couldn't possibly
hear him crying, he's next door.

You probably heard a cat.

Michael, I'm sure it's Joey.

I better call Ma and
see if somethin's wrong.

Oh, I just can't stand to
think about my baby crying.

Gloria, I'm tellin'
you, it... it isn't Joey.

It's that cock-eyed cat that keeps
bangin' into the garbage cans.

I hope so.

Hi, Ma, is Joey crying?

Aha! He is crying.

Why is he crying, Ma?

Then the phone woke him up. Aha.

Well, I'll be right over.
Bye. Wait. What are you...

I'll be back in a minute. Wait a
second. Where... Where are you goin'?

Hey, w-what about me?

Michael, I can't do anything
when my baby's crying.

You can't do anything
when the baby's crying.

You can't do anything
when the baby's asleep!

You're afraid you
might wake him up!

You can't do anything when he's up
'cause you want him to go to sleep!

You can't do anything ever!

Gloria, the only way you could do anything
for me is if I have a damn diaper rash!

You just don't
understand, do you?

When you come home
from work your day is done,

so for you it's playtime!

But for me, it's
still work time.

Joey keeps me
busy 24 hours a day.

And when I take a lunch
break, it's not mine, it's his.

And as for diaper rash, I'm
surprised you don't have it

'cause you're
acting like a baby.

Gloria! Gloria, I'm warnin' you!

When you come
back, I'll still be here.

Aw, jeez.

Well, do you want
some more coffee?

Never mind the coffee. I'm
hungry, I need more food.

Oh, no. No, you gotta stick
to your diet. That's all you get.

The diet is leavin' me weak.

God forbid I belch. I'd
blow myself over backwards.

Hi. Did Joey stop
crying? Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's all right.

Oh, he's such a good baby.

I sung him a lullaby and
he shut his eyes tight.

He was probably
flinchin', Edith.

I, uh, I think maybe
I'll have some coffee.

Oh, good.

Uh, Daddy, would you mind
if we had a little private talk?

Oh, not at all, little girl. Leave us
alone, Edith. My girl wants to talk to me.

Oh, no, Archie. I think
Gloria wants to talk to me.

Is that what you meant?

Just for a few minutes. Why
don't you go look at Joey.

I looked at Joey, and
why ain't he got no hair?

Why don't you watch TV?

There's no sports
or movies on TV.

Only kiddy crapola
and dopey educations.

You... You could go
upstairs and take a nap.

I can't sleep. The tree is
scratchin' the house again.

I know what I'll do. I know.
I'll go down to Kelcy's.

Oh, no, no, your diet. No beer.

(IMITATING EDITH)
Your diet. No beer.

How the hell am I
gonna kill a little time?

Why don't you go over
and visit with Michael?

That'll kill it, all right.

(SIGHING)

Gloria, is something wrong?

Ma, when I was a baby,

did Daddy ever complain
that you were neglecting him?

Oh, sure.

But every time I
brung you a bottle,

I made sure I
gave Archie a beer.

No, Ma, I don't mean
that kind of neglect.

I mean, you know.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Ma, can't we
please talk about it?

You know somethin'? When you
was a baby I had the same problem.

But I... I couldn't talk
it over with my mother.

In those days we didn't
even have them books

like Everything You Always
Wanted To Know About...

Mmm...

And Was Afraid to Ask.

Did you read that? Oh, no.

Oh, so then you still
don't know everything.

That's right. And
I'm still afraid to ask.

But, Gloria...

Well, do you think
Mike has a right

to feel the way
you say he feels?

All I know is that
Joey keeps me so busy

that the idea of sex just
doesn't appeal to me right now.

It's like I've sort of put that
part of me away on a shelf.

Oh, Gloria, you're
overtired and overworked.

Oh, lots of young mothers
feel that way with a new baby.

Why don't you just
talk it over with Mike

and tell him how you feel?

I can't.

He's a man and it would be

a terrible blow to his male ego

to feel his wife
doesn't want him.

He just doesn't
understand that right now,

I don't want anybody,
not even Robert Redford.

Oh, my...

You are tired.

Mama, was there ever a time when
you lost your feelings for Daddy?

Well, yeah.

There was times when I
put myself in mothballs.

But, Gloria, that didn't
mean I didn't love your father

'cause, uh, marriage is more
than two people turnin' out the lights

and not goin' to sleep.

Oh, Gloria, you gotta realize
there's two men in your life now,

a big one and a little one.

And they both need attention.

So you gotta make time for Mike.

You gotta find time to talk with
him and take walks with him.

Go to the movies with him, and
pretty soon you'll be surprised

what else you're doin' with him.

Oh, Ma.

Well... Huh?

Make a move, will youse? Spider is
startin' to build a web in your cards.

I'm sorry, Arch.
Who-Whose turn is it?

It's yours. Oh.

Gin.

What's the matter?
We're playin' hearts.

Sorry, I can't concentrate.

You're tellin' me.

You're fightin'
with Gloria there.

Just because youse two have a
fight I get kicked outta my house.

Hey, Arch?

You think I can have
my old room back?

Just... Just for
a couple of days.

Just for a couple of days? Yeah.

No.

Last time you moved in there for a
couple of days you stayed for five years.

Well, I guess I'll
have to call a friend.

Oh, what are you doin' that for?

You can never solve a problem
by running away from it there.

Jeez, if Edith and me went runnin'
outta the house every time we had a fight,

you realize how many nights
she would have spent in the park?

What the hell were you
fightin' about anyhow?

Arch, you don't
wanna hear about it.

Certainly I wanna
hear about it. What is it?

Sex. I don't wanna
hear about that.

Now there's certain subjects you
should only be talkin' about in a whisper

and in very special
places like a saloon.

Hey, how about we
go down to Kelcy's?

Arch, you're not
supposed to go down there.

If we can't talk about it here,

what difference is it gonna
make goin' down to Kelcy's?

All right, bigmouth. You
wanna talk about it here,

talk about it here
but keep it clean.

Well, ever since
Joey came along,

Gloria doesn't seem to
have too much time for me.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, jeez.

She had time for you
before, hadn't she?

Yeah.

So you got a surplus.
You're way ahead.

Arch.

Put your mind on other things.

Like what?

I don't know. Anything.
Do... Run around the block.

When you come back
you jump into a shower,

you top that off with
watching Johnny Carson.

That's what he's there
for, to cool people off.

Arch, I didn't get married to run around
the block and watch Johnny Carson.

Forget about it. You
don't understand.

What are you talkin'
about? I understand plenty.

Hey, Edith and me wasn't no
different from you and Gloria.

One time,

we was two very young and
romantic people very deeply in love.

When I come back
after three years in Italy,

uh, I was pretty lively there.

I needed, she kept up with me.

'Til she had Gloria and then
things was different there, see.

She became a new young mother
like Gloria's a new young mother.

And with all new
young mothers, uh,

you know, they, uh, they get a
sense of what you call maternalcy.

Well, w-what happens to us?

We gotta wait until the
maternalcy wears off,

and the, and the wife will
see you recompensated.

But you gotta be strong.

Don't read nothin'.

And don't go runnin'
out to the dirty movies.

You stay home, you watch TV,

but only the old movies where
they never done nothin, see.

Arch, how... how long is
a guy supposed to wait?

For as long as it takes.

What the hell are
you complainin' about?

Other guys do it.

Take guys in prison.

You know what they
do? Don't do that.

Just be patient there and just wait
until Gloria gets back in the mood.

Deal the cards.

Hi. I'm back.

We wasn't talkin' about nothin',
little girl. Just playing cards.

Um...

Daddy, would you mind
if we had a talk alone?

No. Not at all, little girl.

Take off, Meathead. My
daughter wants to talk to me.

Arch, I... I think
she means with me.

What, again with this here?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Daddy! Daddy,
no, no, no, you're on a diet.

Of course you
two have one fight,

I get thrown outta two houses.

Now keep your mouth
shut about the pie!

I'm... I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

I'm sorry I got mad at you.

Guess I haven't been very
good company lately, huh?

I know.

Gloria, but I... I understand. I
mean, you're very busy with the baby.

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

Would you like to take a
walk or maybe go to a movie?

You really want to?

Yeah.

Nah, y-y-you're tired. We'll
just stay home and play cards.

Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

That was spontaneous.

Thank you, Gloria.

You're welcome, Michael.

I love you.

I love you, too.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.