All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 22 - Joey's Baptism - full transcript

Archie fears for Joey's mortal soul because he hasn't been baptized and Mike and Gloria don't want to put religion into his life. So, Archie gets the idea that while he is baptizing, that he will sneak down to the church and have it done before he gets back. Edith is completely against it, locking Archie's hat and coat in the closet and refusing to give up the key. While her back is turned, he grabs a hat and sweater out of the box that is going to the poor, grabs Joey out of his pram and runs to the church. The minister refuses to perform the baptism without the parent's consent, so Archie sneaks into the sanctuary and does it himself.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪


Don't holler. Please.


I need a four-letter
word for a small insect.

Uh, flea?

Yeah, that's it. F-L-E-E.

Oh, good.

I see people have been
droppin' by their old clothes

for the church charity draw.

Yeah, and I've been
jumpin' out of my chair here

answerin' the door.

What are you gonna
do with all of that stuff?

Are you promotin' a
fashion show for winos?

These are good clothes.

Look at this sweater.

Oh, my, somebody could use that.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Looks pretty good.
Yeah. Don't put it back.

Don't put it back.

Let me take a look
at that thing there.

Wait a minute. There
are no holes in that.

That looks to be
my size there, too.

Hold it up for me.
Let me try that on.

No. These are for the poor.

Well, who am I? Paul K. Getty?

Look, Archie, I'm in
charge of these clothes.

The truck is gonna pick 'em up.

Why was you in church
so long, anyway, huh?

Listen, let me tell you
somethin' about prayin',

you know, you can
pray so much to God,

then it stops being prayin'
and becomes naggin'.

Oh, well, I... I stayed
after the service

for the Henderson baptism.

Oh, you should have
seen that little baby.

He was so cute
with his little lace cap.

Listen, that reminds
me there, Edith,

what about our
own grandson, huh?

When is he gonna get the
other end of him sprinkled?

Yeah. I've been
thinkin' about that.

Oh, but the way Mike
feels about religion,

I don't think Joey'll
ever get baptized.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

We're babysittin'
with him today,

ain't we? Mmm-hmm.

All right, when them
two get out of here,

why don't we just get the baby,

waltz him down to the church...

Oh, no, Archie.

Why not?

Why, Mike and
Gloria wouldn't like it.

They don't have to
know anything about it.

We take the baby
out in his carriage,

right down the block, make
a right turn to Catawba Street,

down the little street that
goes to the church there,

get inside the alley,

go right into the
baptistery there.

We get the minister
come in, sprinkle him,

right back the same way,
back in the house here.

He'll be right where he
was when they left him,

they'll never be the
wiser, it's the perfect crime.

Oh, no.

Oh, we... we can't do that
'cause Joey ain't our child.

What are you talkin' about?

He's more our child
than he is the Meathead's.

He's got half of
Gloria's blood, ain't he?

Well, yeah, but he's got
half of Mike's blood, too.

But Gloria's blood's
got half of your blood

and half of my blood.

So there's three
halves of Bunker blood

against one half
of Meathead's blood

and we outvote him
three to one for baptism.

Well, what about
Mike's parents' blood?

What blood? They're dead.

Oh, no. I don't
think it's right.

We can't do that without
Mike and Gloria's permission.

To hell with permission.


Permission. Permission.

That's one of the things
wrong with the world today.

There's too much permission.

Let me tell you something.

When the missionaries
went into the darkest Africa

to bring God to the natives,

you think they asked
their permission?

Like hell, they dragged
them out of the trees

and right down to the river.

And they held them under
there until they seen the light.

And the natives
was glad about that

because that's the
way they found God.

And then later on,
when they was chained

in the bottom of
the slave ships, why,

they was happy because they
had somebody to pray to there, see?

Which proves that for
everybody's own good

you gotta use force,
that's the Christian way.

Oh, Archie, I never
learned that in Church.

They don't know nothin' in that
church of yours except bingo.

Hi. Hi, Ma. Oh, hi.

Joey's asleep, but I'm
gonna leave him out here

on the porch for a while so
he can get some fresh air.

'Cause he hasn't been
outside enough yet today.

Here, right here,
under the window.

Oh, look at him, you sweet
little baby. Let me see.

Here's some clothes
for the church, Ma.

EDITH: Oh, thank you.

Hey, why ain't
he got no hair yet?


That ain't an answer.

Shh, don't...
Don't... don't argue.

We'll leave him
here in the sunshine

where it's warm and we can
watch him through the window.

Yeah. See that, Joey, I'm
gonna leave the window

wide open here
so I can look at you.



Don't touch it, it
hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Did you pick out some
of your old clothes

to give to the church?

No, no.

Why not, Daddy? Don't
you wanna help the poor?

To hell with the
poor, my head hurts.

That's a rotten thing to say.

Well, my clothes are too
good to give to the poor anyway.

Gee, they'd look
rich in my stuff.

Oh. I don't think so.

I can find plenty of your
clothes the poor will look poor in.

Don't go rootin' through
my stuff up there, will you?

Little girl, where you going?
Come here. Come here.

Just sit down here a minute, will
you, 'cause I wanna talk to you.

Oh, what about?

Well, you, you know how
religious a woman your mother is.

She goes to church every Sunday.

She prays even in
the middle of the week

when God ain't listenin'.


Ever since she's come
home from church today,

she's been buggin' me
to get the baby baptized.

Oh, Daddy, it's not Ma that
wants Joey baptized, it's you.

Well, sure, me, too.

After all, I'm a Christian, too.

You, you never
even go to church.

You don't do much of anything
to prove you're a Christian.

What the hell you want me
to do, get eaten by a lion?

Listen, little girl.

Every kid needs to be something

and everybody's got
to know what he is.

That way at least his own
kind won't throw rocks at him.

And if he's nothin', they'll
all throw rocks at him.

And I know, I threw
many a rock in my day.

You used to throw rocks at kids

and you call yourself religious?

Now, well, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Throwin' rocks is what you call

an age-old religious
custom, there,

for bringin' people around.

All your ancient
people they threw rocks

until they got axes and spears

and later on guns,
to do God's work with.

What do you think David hit
Goliath with, a Fig Newton?

Here we are, see!

I found lots of
your old clothes.

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What are you doin' there?

That's my good mohair jacket.

You can't give away
the mohair jacket.

Why not?

Because the hair of the mo here

is as good as it ever was.

Daddy, there's no
such animal as a mo.

The Canadian
woods are full of moes.

Archie, this jacket
is 20 years old.

Well, it's... You
can never fit into it.

It's a beautiful
jacket and it's perfect.

Here, give me.

Well, give it to the poor.

Now, listen. Let's get back
to this baptism thing here.

Daddy, I don't want to
discuss it anymore, please.

If it's really bothering you,

why don't you take
it up with Michael?

I ain't gonna take
it up with Michael.

I wouldn't disgrace
the name of baptism

by talkin' about it
in front of an atheist.

Hi, everybody.

Listen you atheist, I
want that kid baptized.

Good morning, Arch.

Hey, Ma. Brought you
some clothes for the church.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Never mind givin'
clothes to the church.

How about givin' a
soul to the church.

I want my grandson's
sins cleaned.

Daddy, what kind of sins can a
four-month-old baby have committed?

Yeah, what's he been doing,
gurgling four-letter words?


Or maybe he ripped his diaper
off and flashed in the park.

That's disgustin'.

would you go upstairs

and see if you can find some
things you wanna give to the poor?

Oh, sure, Ma.

MIKE: feel about this thing
and I don't want to have to

tell you a hundred times!

Listen, listen, listen,
Edith. I'm warning you.

Now we better get
that baby baptized.

Or he ain't goin' into
heaven with you and me.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about this sweet little baby.

Oh, look. He's so innocent.

And God must love him

'cause he made him so beautiful.

She's right, Arch.

Besides, baptism is
just a religious ritual.

What do you mean, a ritual?
You went through baptism.

Hey, hey, hey. I
renounced it years ago.

Oh, ho, ho.

Go renounce your belly
button. You still got it.

Bein' baptized
makes you religious.

Oh, come on, Arch.

Joey was circumcised. It
doesn't make him Jewish.

No, it made him holler though.

What, maybe God don't care

if we get sprinkled
in church or not.

Maybe the rain is God's way

of baptizin' the whole world.

(EXCLAIMING) Listen to
Billie Jean Graham over here.

Oh, Arch, let's just say
that there is a heaven.

There is.

You believe that all
people are God's children.

I certainly do.

And you can't get into
heaven unless you're baptized.

Absolutely not.

What about the Jews?
They don't believe in baptism.

You mean to tell me that
God keeps them out of heaven?

No. The Jews are allowed in
because Moses was baptized.

When did that happen?

When he was crossing the
holy water of the Red Sea,

he got his feet wet.

And that is how the
Jews saved their souls.

So, wait a second...

Where, where, where is the soul?

It's inside of you. Where?

It moves all around.

It's not attached to anything?

No, it can't be attached to you.

Otherwise it couldn't
fly out of your body

and go to heaven when you croak.

Well, how does it
get out of the body?

It jumps out just before they slam
the lid on the box and plant you.

Well, what if you're cremated?

Then it jumps out of the
box just before it hears

the match strike.

Matches, souls jumpin' out
of boxes, I don't believe this.

Well, you don't believe it

because you're an atheist,
you don't believe in God.

Arch, if there is a
God, why is there

so much unhappiness
in this world?

"If there is a God, why is there

"so much unhappiness
in this world?"

I'll answer that
question for you, buddy.

There is this, uh... Edith!

If there is a God,
why is there so much...

Get out of the window, there.

Can't you answer some of
these questions over here?

What was the question?

Why did God put so much
unhappiness in the world?



Maybe, so's when
we get to heaven,

we'll notice the improvement.


Did you hear that? So's
when we get to heaven,

we'll notice the
improvement there.

I wanna tell you
something, buddy,

heaven is, what you call,
a very delirious place there.

I mean, everybody is
happy and there's singin',

there is music and people
lovin' and huggin' each other

and always sayin' lovely
things to each other.

Yeah. Like The Dinah Shore Show.

Michael, we gotta get goin'.

Here, Ma, I found some
more things you can give away.

Oh, thank you.

Look, Arch, I'll believe in
heaven when I get there.

The day I see you there,
I'll worry about where I am.

Come on, Gloria, let's go.

Have a good time.

Oh, and, Ma, when Joey wakes
up, don't be afraid to pick him up

and play with him all you want.

Her, "afraid to pick him up"?

If she has her way, his
feet won't touch the ground

till he's goin' to school.


GLORIA: Bye. MIKE: Goodbye.

Bye. Yeah, goodbye. Hey,
have a good time there.

Get lost.

Listen, they're gone
and now is our chance.

We're gonna get him baptized.

Oh, no, we ain't.

Oh, yes, we are.

It's what God wants and
I know what God wants.


Let me see.

Don't see nothin'.
Get away. Get away.

Get your hat and coat on.

I'm gettin' my hat and coat on.

We're going to take that
child down to the church.

No! We ain't! No! Archie...

Yes we are, Edith. Yes, we are.

Now we got the chance
now. Now we're gonna do it.

Edith, Edith.


Get your coat on now,
Edith. You get it on.

We're going to go down there.
I ain't going to miss this chance.

You give me that
coat! Edith, Edith, Edith.

Give me that...
What do you think...

Here, I locked it.

Give me the key. No!

Edith, you know where
God sends people

who darest go against his will?

Where? To hell, hell, hell!

Now, Edith, he'll send
down plagues on you, Edith.

Thousands of birds,
like he put onto Job there,

and locusts there
to rip up your lawn

and eat your hedges there.

He'll send down hailstones
as big as baseballs

to bust your roof out there.

He could ram you into
the belly of a whale.

If God gets sore
enough at you, Edith,

he could turn your
jawbone into an ass.

Now give me the key.


Edith, please, huh, please?

Edith, please, look at me, huh?

Just turn around
and look at me here.

Now, listen, listen, Edith.

We don't wanna
spoil a whole Sunday

havin' a fight, do we, darling?

I know you want the same
thing for that baby that I do

and you want him to be
baptized every bit as much as me.

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

(SCREAMING) Now give me the key.

All right, Edith, you win.

I only hope you ain't sorry
for this one of these days.

And when are they
gonna come and collect

all these old clothes?

Any minute.

We're dyin' of
rubbish fumes here.

A truck is gonna come
and pick 'em all up.

The whole room smells
of a hundred armpits.

You wanna watch TV?


Waterloo Bridge is on

with Robert Taylor
and Vivien Leigh.

I hate it and don't turn it on.

This is the one where
he's an English Army soldier

and she's a ballet dancer.

Don't tell me about it.

They meet in a bomb shelter.

She tells me anyhow.

And he gives her a
little statue for good luck

and then he goes off
and gets killed in the war.

The end.

No, 'cause he don't
really get killed.

Which his mother
could've told her

if she had stayed
at the restaurant,

only she didn't.

So she didn't find
out that he was alive

until he told her himself.

But then, it was too late.

'Cause she had become
a "lady of the evening."

That's what they used
to call 'em in those days.

Well, anyway...

Now listen, Edith,

I can't go out without
my hat and coat,

I'll catch my death of a cold.

That's right and they're
gonna stay locked in that closet

till Mike and Gloria get back
and take their baby home.

Listen, Edith, couldn't I just myself
take the baby for a little stroll...


We. We. We.

Couldn't we take the baby for a little
stroll in the park nowhere near the church?

Well, I don't know.

Well, we ain't had lunch yet.

Make sandwiches,
we'll have a picnic.

It's too cold.

Make hot sandwiches.

They'd get cold by
the time we got there.

Not if we hurry
up and get there.

Where are we gonna eat?

We'll find a sunny spot.

The paper says rain.

We'll go down the subway.

Oh, Archie, you can't fool me.

Why did you pick this day
of all the days of your life

to suddenly get smart?

I want a beer.

Well, what about your
diet? You can't have a beer.

Ain't I lucky to have you around

to keep me from enjoyin' life?

Then what can I have?

You can have a
nice, low-cal root beer.

I'll vomit.


I'll get it.

(MUTTERING) ...something
out there I can drink.

Oh, yeah, I'm waitin' for
you to come and pick 'em up.

Yeah, yeah, tell him to
come and pick it all up here.

Well, where are you now?



Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, from where you are,

can you see Grand
Central Parkway?

You can? Then you're lost.

Well, wait a minute,
I'll ask my husband

'cause, uh, he knows the way,

'cause he's the one that
keeps comin' home all the time.


How do you get to Northern
Boulevard from Grand Central Parkway?

Well, hold on a minute.

Archie, the truck
driver is lost.

He wants to know how to...


Joey. Joey. Joey.

Hey, hold on a minute.


(GASPS) Oh, Archie.


Oh, I should've made sandwiches.


Come in.


Ah... Oh, no, no,
no, please come in.

Well, I got the baby, my
grandson with me here.

Well, well, bring the baby in.

Yeah, all right.

Uh, I just want to see
the Reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

I'm Reverend
Chong, his assistant.

Oh, hi, there. My
name is Archie Bunker.

I'm one of the
flocks of the church.

When is your boss coming back?

Oh, he's gone for
the day, can I help?

Oh, I don't think
so. You see I...

I just thought I'd get
my grandson baptized.

Oh, well you've come to
the right place, Mr. Bunker.

I'd be glad to perform
the ceremony for you.

Oh, well, I tell
you... You see...

We need a regular
American ceremony.

We... We can't use any
dragons or firecrackers.

Uh, Mr. Bunker, I assure you

I can give your grandson
a regular Christian service.

And I can guarantee you

the certificate won't
be in a fortune cookie.

Well, I'll say this for you,

you've got a sense
of humor there, Chang.



Are the parents here?

Well, the parents, yeah...

Uh, l-listen, uh, could
we have a little talk

like, uh, Christian
to Christian?

I can. Good.

Please, have a seat.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, uh, I'll tell you...

I'll tell you the, uh,
the absolute truth there.

Now the parents,

there's nothing they
want more in this world

than to see that
child baptized, see?

But they were busy so they
couldn't come here today,

but see we... we can't
wait there Reverend.

Because you see, the
soul has to be saved,

as you know yourself,

just as soon as it can,

in this awful, sexy
world. You know?

You watch yourself,
on every corner,

you see all these things here,

the hookeries and
massageries, you know...

I mean, I don't know
what's happening.

The whole world is turnin' into a
regular Sodom and Guacamorrah.

You're following me there?

At a respectable distance.

Uh, Mr. Bunker,
somehow I get the feeling,

the child's parents are against
him being baptized and in that case...

No, no, wait a minute. No, you
see what I had in mind was this.

I would like to, ahem,
slip a few dollars into

into the poor box, see,

which don't necessarily have
to wind up there, you see?

And, uh, now, uh,

we don't have to tell the
Reverend Fletcher there...



We don't have to tell
him nothin' about it, see?

What do you say, Chang?



I say no, Mr. Binker.



Okay, now, Lord, I
hope I do this right, see,

I'm all on my own in here.

Even Charlie Chan in
there wouldn't help me out.

I ain't been to church lately,

so if I seem a little
strange in here,

don't worry, I'm
still Archie Bunker.

And I still believe very
deeply in thee. Thou.


Now, this here, Lord,

is my little
grandson, Joey. See?

Now, his parents,

they don't care
if he's baptized.

Because his old man
is a dopey atheist.

So we're going to do it
here while we get the chance.

See now, I ain't dressed
for this kind of a ceremony,

but as soon as I get home,

I'm gonna give this
sweater to the poor.

I wanna do this, Lord,

because I don't want
my little grandson

growing up without religion

in this rotten world of yours.

Uh... No intense
offended there, Lord.

We all know you did
the best you could,

with only six days
to get it all together.

Now don't worry, Joey,

'cause this ain't gonna
make you holler, see?

Like that other thing
they done to you.

Now, Lord, this is Joseph
Michael Stivic here,

a Christian.

Joseph Michael
Stivic, I baptize thee

in the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.



I hope that took, Lord,

because they're gonna
kill me when I get home.

the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.