All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 20 - Archie's Weighty Problem - full transcript

Archie is told by his doctor to go on a diet, or else he'll suffer serious health problems. He rejects the efforts of Edith, Mike and Gloria to stick with the diet, but Justin Quigley may provide the inspiration Archie needs.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare states

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ Someday my prince will come

♪ Someday my prince will come


♪ Someday my prince will come ♪

Hey, Snow White,
your prince just come!


Hello, Archie. Did
you have a nice day?

Oh, I guess you didn't.

How am I gonna have a nice
day on that diet you put me on?

I had a hungry day, Edith.

How's a man gonna
work eight hard hours a

day on what you put
in that lunch box, there?

I gave you carrot sticks, tuna salad and
an orange. That's a very healthy lunch.

You know what I done with
that healthy lunch, Edith?

I threw the
carrots to the birds.

I threw the tuna fish
to the warehouse cat.

And I threw the orange at
some of them Krishna Hare

shave-heads who was going by.

Oh, Archie, I know
it's hard for you to diet.

It's hard, Edith,
because I hate it.

But Dr. Nelson says
you gotta lose 25 pounds,

and you gotta take them pills, so
your blood pressure stays down.

Aw, Dr. Nelson.

Let me tell you somethin',
doctors never get hungry, Edith.

I'm shovin' around
heavy crates all day long,

the heaviest thing Dr. Nelson
shoves is a thermometer.

(GROANS) Poor Archie!

The first three days of a
diet is always the hardest

but Mike and Gloria and me are
dietin', too, to keep you company.

You know what they say,
misery is the best company!

Don't do that, Edith!

I'll tell you somethin' about
misery. Misery wants beer!

Oh, no!

No! Your heart, your heart!
Edith, I'm tired. I gotta have a beer.

Your heart, Archie, you gotta
watch your heart and lose weight.

I lost enough already, Edith. The
pants are hangin' off me, look at this!

I can slip a finger,
right down in there.

See that?

And that's as much meat as I had
on that belly for the last three days!

Edith, Edith, please!
You don't need no beer!

Edith, while you are talkin' here,
you are standin' on the tail of a mouse.

Archie, put that down!
I'm gonna put it down.

Right down this gut here.
No! No! Oh, look, Archie!

There's a spider on your collar!

You wrenched that
can out of this hand?

Yeah, and every time I see a can
in your hand, I'm gonna wrench it!

Come on, Edith,
give me the beer.

Do you realize how ridiculous
you are, doin' this here?

I'm gonna count three,
Edith, and I want that beer.

One. Two. Three.

All right. Now, that's nice.
I'm so thirsty when I get...


What the hell... I got a dingbat
revolution on my hands here?

Edith! Edith, you are my wife!

EDITH: And I don't
wanna be your widow!


Edith. Edith.

If you're gonna do what I think
you're gonna do with that beer,

please don't.


The most heart-breaking
sound I ever heard.

You're gonna thank
me for this later.

It's for your own good.

Everything for my own
good is no damn good!

Hey, folks. How're
you doing? EDITH: Hi!

Joey's here. My little Joey.

He ain't got no hair on him yet.

I think I'll take him
upstairs. Oh, I'll help you.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Hello, hello my little
chubby. Thanks, Ma.

You're gettin' so chubby,

you're gonna have
to go on a diet, too.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey,
Meathead, get over here.

Hey, Arch, how's the
old diet comin', huh?

Stop that! Stop that!

You got any beer
over at your house?

What do you want with beer?

Edith threw my last
one down the toilet.

Well, what's the difference? It
would've wound up there anyway.

Dogs off the coffee table.
Dogs off the coffee table.

Daddy, you know you're not supposed
to sneak beer when you're on a diet.

I hate the diet!

Well, so does Michael.
But he's stickin' to his!

Oh, yeah. And then he goes home

and he packs his face
with milk and Fig Newtons

Joey's gettin' so smart!

I was talkin' to him, and he
looked me right in the eye,

like he understood
every word I said.

Everybody looks at
you that way, Edith,

they don't wanna
make you feel bad.

Thank you, Archie.
She likes that.

You hurt me. Good.

Well, I'll get dinner.
I'll help you, Ma.

And Daddy, you
need exercise, too.

So, tonight, after dinner,

why don't you and Michael
take a nice brisk evening walk?

Are you kiddin'? An
evening walk in this town?

You walk too fast,
the cops pick you up.

You walk too slow, the
muggers knock you down.

Well, then skip.

I do that and the
fags are all over me.

That's 'cause you're so pretty.

Why is everybody worryin' about
me, I'm as healthy as a horse.

When I die, it ain't gonna
be from nothin' serious.

You know what you ought
to do, Arch? What I do.

Jogging in place. It's
great for the circulation.

You jog? Sure.

I'd love to see that.
Oh, I'll show you.

EDITH: Dinner! Coming!

That's what he does,
he jogs to the table.

GLORIA: This looks good. Yeah.

Very slimming,
too. I can't wait.

Here, I'll give you some meat.

Hold it, hold it.
Oh, thanks, honey.

Hold it, Edith. Edith. There
you go, that's enough, thank you.

This is a meal for
four human beings?

Yeah, it's turkey.

That ain't turkey,
that's notepaper.

Stop complaining, would
you? If we can diet, you can.

Yeah, don't you have
any will power? No!

What do you call this? Zucchini.

Looks like a cooked pickle.

You're only allowed one.

Who the hell wants more?

And here's your slice of bread.

And a spoonful
of peas. Oh, jeez.


Hey, wait, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute, wait a minute there.

Look... Look, look,
look at this here.

He's got about 18 peas
over there, I only got about 12.

You're actually
counting the peas?

Why not? If we're
all gonna starve,

we might as well
start out even here.

All right, Arch. I'll give
you three of my peas.

There you go. Oh, look at this,

with his big fingers all over
them. I ain't gonna eat them now.

I want some butter here.

Oh, no. You had today's
butter this morning.

Could I make a loan on tomorrow?

No, if I give you
tomorrow's butter today,

then you couldn't have today's
bread with tomorrow's butter,

because if you use tomorrow's
butter on today's bread,

then you can't have
tomorrow's flounder, which is...

Unless, you wanna
give up today's olive.

For this much butter, I'd
throw the olive on the floor.

the butter, Edith, I want butter!

Oh, Joey's crying. There's Joey!

I'll go! I'll go.

What are you talkin' about?

She's the only one who
can give him what he wants,

get me coffee.


What are you doin' there?

I'm eatin'.

I can see that,
you're doin' it wrong.

What are you talkin' about?

You're almost finished
your peas there,

and you ain't even started
that other what do you call it?

Zucchini? Yeah, whatever.

I was gonna eat the
zucchini, after I finish the peas.

Then when are you gonna get
to the turkey? After the zucchini.

That's dumb.

Can't you eat like
a normal person?

What's normal?

You're supposed to
eat a little of the peas,

then a little bit of
the kuzini there,

Zucchini. Whatever.

Then you take a little
of the turkey there.

You see that? So, you
get a good mixture there,

that's what you call
a balanced meal.

Arch, you've been
watching me eat for six years,

how come you never
mentioned this before?

Because you're
eatin' slow tonight.

Before your fork
was always a blur.

Don't keep doin' what I
tell you is wrong there.

I'm tryin' to teach you somethin'
about your system there.

Listen, listen to me.

You're supposed to
eat a little of the peas,

then a little of
the kuzini there,

then a little of the turkey.

So that you get the
even mix goin' down, see?

And it goes to all parts of your
body, even, at the same time.

You know what I'm talking about?

The way you eat there, a
lump of this, a lump of that,

a lump of this over here.

Everything goes to different
parts, in different ways, see?

Basics, I don't know, well, maybe, uh,
maybe your lung could get all of the peas.

The kuzini could
all rush to a foot.

The turkey. I don't know, maybe
the turkey'll all go to your heart.

There's too much
meat in your heart.

You can get what you
call a coronial trombonesis.

You know, I never
thought of that.

Well, I'm telling you.

That's why your most
perfect food is your sandwich

and especially, your
hero sandwich, see?

Because everything you got in there.
You got in there, your meats is there,

your cheese is there, your
tomato sauce is in there.

Delicious bread on the top,
delicious bread on the bottom.

You take a bite of that and everything
is all nice and mixed up there.

And it goes down, all
mixed, see, with each bite,

And is it good.

I gotta have a
sandwich, Meathead.


Don't do it, Arch!

He's gonna have a sandwich,
Ma. He's gonna eat a sandwich.

You gotta lose weight.
What're you gonna do?

Throw the whole refrigerator
down the toilet? Shame!

Shame, shame, shame. Now, come
on, go in there and have your coffee.

Mike, bring the coffee. I
like sugar in the coffee.

And I wanna lot of
sugar in it. No sugar.

No sugar. GLORIA:
Gimme a hand up here, Ma

Oh, dear, Gloria!
Uh, uh, Mike, hurry up.

Come in here, watch Archie,
so he don't sneak nothin'.

Ma! Don't worry, Ma, I'm
guardin' the refrigerator.

What did you say out there?

I didn't say anything.

I want that!

Arch. Just because I weakened,
that doesn't mean... Give me that!

You give me that sandwich!

He was gonna eat it!
He was gonna eat it, Ma!

You ain't gonna get no
fattening foods in this house.

Okay, Edith, to hell with the diet!
Then I'm gonna take my meals out!

Oh, no, Archie, no!

I don't care, I can't stand
it! You can't do that, Archie.

No more. Well,
where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go out in this town
and I'm gonna find any restaurant

that'll give me
something fat to eat.

I'm gonna start out in Kelcy's, I'm
gonna have a big bowl of greasy chili.

Then I'm goin' up to the
Northern Boulevard, to the dago.

And I'm gonna get
a big pizza there,

a number 32 with the
whole kitchen sink in there.

And I ain't gonna stop there, Edith,
I'm goin' to the Colonel next, see?

I'm gonna get a big
bucket of chicken chests

and smashed potatoes.

Double on the gravy.

And then I'm goin' to 31
Flavors, I'm gonna eat 34.

Edith, let me tell
you somethin'.

God did not give man a
belly, just to hang a button on.



Hey, Kelsey, what
happened to my beer?

Comin' up, Munson.
Jeez, I'm sorry!

Hey, Kelsey, did you put
the garbage out today?

Sure. Something smells rotten.

I'm cookin' Archie's dinner.

If it ain't on the table when
he comes in from work,

he screams at me. How
long you been feedin' him?

Three nights. Eats
here, then he goes home.

Wish I could figure a way
to make him stay there.

Why don't you make up some lie,

like the Board of Health
condemned your kitchen?

That ain't no lie, they did.

But, um, I still cook for
the people who don't care.

Kelsey, I'm here and I'm hungry.

Hi, Arch. Hiya there, Munson.

Hi, Arch. How are you?

Oh, look at this.
Come on here, Kelsey,

look at the table, nothin'
here. Dinner, dinner, dinner.

You'll eat when it's ready.

Is that a way to talk
to a workin' man,

comin' home after
a hard days' work?

Arch, I'm at not
used to livin' like this,

tell me what it is
you want me to say?

Just say somethin', huh?

I don't care, anything nice, why
don't you ask me how was my day?

Okay. Arch, how was your day?

Oh, you don't give
a damn, forget it.

Don't bark at me,
I'm your friend,

don't talk to me like your wife.

Oh, jeez! I... I'm sorry
there, Kelsey, it's just that

you have an apron on
and it threw me. You know.

Get me a beer, huh?

Arch, would you do
me a favor, please?

Make up with Edith.
Beer, beer, beer, huh?

First, I gotta check your
dinner, dinner, dinner!

I'm goin' home. No, no,
wait a minute, Munson,

don't be in such a rush.
Why don't you sit down here?

I'll treat you to some
dinner. No, thanks.

I'm havin' dinner with my wife.

Which is what most of
America's doin' right now.

How do you know what
most of America's doin'?

Who the hell are
you, Eric Sevarules?

Arch, you should
go on that diet.

Or they're gonna be buying
your coffin in a fat man's store.

So long. Oh, leave
me alone, all right.

Hey, Kelsey, hurry up there, and by
the way, what do we got for chow tonight?

We got pork chops,
French fries, uh, macaroni.

Yeah, that's what you been
givin' me the last two nights.

Yeah, but tonight you
got a choice. What?

Eat it or go home.




Hey, there's Quigley. What
are you doin' around here?

Just finishin' up
my three-mile jog.

Been doin' it all my life.

Hey, can I have a drink of that
beer? Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Help yourself there. Thanks.

Three-mile jog, huh?

Jeez, you're in great
shape for a man of 93.

Ninety-two. Don't rush me.

There's your dinner,
Arch, there you go.

How does that
look? Yeah, well, uh.

As soon I hide it with
the ketchup, it'll look fine.

That... That greasy kid
stuff is gonna kill you, Arch.

Oh, you ought to go on a diet

and lose some weight.
Oh, come on, Quigley,

don't give me that, I get
enough of that from Edith.

And she's right, too.

Look at me, 92!

And I still enjoy, swimmin' and
golfing, and biking, all sports!

Whoo-pee! That, too.

Hey, Quigley, come on,
you know, I mean after all,

at your age, sex must be
down to a handshake, huh?

Yup! Before and after.

In between, it's still whoo-pee!

Oh, good.

Well, uh, can I, uh, give
you a taste of this here?

Oh, no thanks.

I wanna live to be as
old as that pork chop.

You know, you keep
eatin' that kind of stuff,

and you ain't gonna
be long for this world.

Oh, now, let me tell
you somethin', Quigley.

What you eat, ain't got nothin'
to do with how old you are, see?

That all depends
on your ancestors.

It's what they call a
matter of heresy, see?

Now, I would bet that you
come from a family of long livers.

Hmm, you'd lose that bet,
Arch, I'm tellin' you. Looky here.

This is my family tree.

This is my brother, Charlie.

Two hundred and fifty
pounds. Loved to eat.

Died, hollering for a waiter.

This short, fat guy,
is my uncle Harry,

he had a double funeral.

One of his pallbearers
dropped dead carryin' him.

This is fat Aunt
Flora. Died at 55.

Hey, Quigley, ain't you
got nobody alive in there?

Nope. Aunt Flora
just loved Italian food.

Stuffed herself with
it till the day she died.

You know what they put
on her tombstone? No.

Rest in pizza.

Hey, why, why are you
pesterin' me about the food here,

and showin' me all
your dead relations?

Because if you were smart, you'd go
on a diet and lower your blood pressure

like Dr. Nelson told you to.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Hey,
wait a minute there.

How do you know about my
Dr. Nelson and my blood pressure?

I know how you know,
because Edith sent you over here

and she sent you with
them pictures, didn't she?

Bunker, take my advice

and don't wind up just a fat
memory in somebody's wallet.

Now, you go stick to your diet,

and you'll live to dance at
your grandson's wedding.

Think it over, sonny.


Oh, Archie!

Oh, my! You scared
me. It's only me.

Well, I'm home.

I'm home, too.

Had my dinner at Kelcy's.


I had pork chops, macaroni
and cheese, French fries,

topped it all off with a
piece of lemon meringe pie.

Bicarbs on the counter. Thanks.

I'll say this for Kelsey,
he ain't great, but he's fast.

Oh, Archie,

he deep fries everything
in that awful old oil.

He changes his oil.

'Bout once every 3,000 meals.

It ain't funny.

Archie, if you're gonna
go on eatin' that junk food,

that ain't good for you, I
could cook it right here at home.


Don't be raising your
voice to me there.

And another thing, don't you
never do, what you did tonight.

Sending old Quigley
over there to spy on me,

with a whole
walletful of fat stiffs.

That there is an
invasion of my privates.

Archie, I did that
for your own good.

I'll make a deal with you.

If you'll promise not to eat
no dinners no more at Kelcy's,

I'll give you more
food here at home.

I'll, uh, I'll make you pork
chops once in a while.

And... And French
fries, once a week.

And... And macaroni,
now and then.

And maybe some pie.


Does that mean yes or no?

What do you want to feed me all that
fat food for? You wanna kill me, Edith?

Archie, look, I'm all mixed up.

Do you wanna go on a
diet? Well, now, listen.

It all depends on you, Edith,

when I start screamin'
for the fat food,

you gotta hold back, there.
You can't give me that, see?

I mean, the reason it's hard
for me to stay on this here diet is,

you are weak.

Well, I'm sorry.

I forgive you, we'll
say no more about it.

You gotta help me there, Edith.

'Cause, see, I wanna live
to be as old as Quigley.

I wanna be with you, dancin'
at our grandson Joey's wedding.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, it'll be so good cookin'
for you and getting old.

Easy, Edith, easy, Edith, easy,
easy. Don't be slobberin' all over me.

Did you ever stop to figure

how many calories
there is in one slobber?

No, how many?

Oh, an awful lot, Edith.

But the hell with it,
give me some calories.

the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.