All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 19 - Mike's Move - full transcript

Mike is up for a big promotion at work that would send he and Gloria to Minnesota. Archie and Edith aren't too happy. Edith is disappointed but is willing to let them live their own lives, but Archie behaves like a child and makes all kinds of rude comments about their decision. The only stumbling block between Mike and the job is that he the other candidate is a black man, and the university must hire him because they don't want any problems. The other candidate does get the job and Mike is upset. He tells the Dean that he is fine, but upon leaving, he slams the door and breaks the glass.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Ma, did I use this many
diapers when I was a baby?

Oh, oh, more. I couldn't
keep up with you.

In my sleep I used to
dream I was washin' diapers,

and in your sleep,
you kept wettin' 'em.

Honey, honey, I got
something to tell you!

Wait, wait. First let me
kiss you, then I'll tell you.

You have just been kissed by a
guy who is gettin' a big promotion,

a more important fellowship.

Oh, Michael!

I'm on my way, honey, and
this is the way I'm gonna kiss you

when I'm a professor.

And this is the way you're
gonna get kissed when I'm a dean.

Oh, oh.


I think the dean
is the best kisser.

Honey, tell me what happened.

Oh, well, it's not definite yet,

but remember when
Dean Winslow gave me

the highest recommendation
in Minnesota?

GLORIA: Well, yeah, but that was
months ago. You mean it came through?


Yeah, Ma. As soon as we
hear from Dean Winslow,

we're gonna pack up all
our furniture, hop on a plane,

and off we go.

To Minnesota?


Ain't that the place
where Mary Tyler Moore

keeps losin' her hat?

Ma, it's beautiful there.

Oh, Rhoda and
Phyllis didn't stay there.

Honey, honey,
you're gonna love it.

Joey's gonna love it, I'm gonna
love it, Minnesota's gonna love it.

The Vikings, Fran
Tarkenton, here we come!

Minnesota. Oh, my.

What, Ma?

Oh, nothin', nothin'.

Uh, how far is Minnesota?

Oh, I... I'm not sure.

Oh, as far as that, huh?

Aw, Ma, it's not the
other end of the world,

and I'll call you every week,

and I'll write you
every day if you want,

and I'll take lots of pictures
of Joey and send 'em to you,

and when he says his first words

you can hear 'em
on the telephone.

Oh, well, my.

My grandson is already
makin' phone calls

and I ain't even seen him crawl.

Oh, you'll see him
crawl, Ma. I promise you.

Mike and I'll come visit
you as often as we can.

Honey, I figured it out. You
know what would be best?

If I flew ahead and I
found a place to live.

You can stay here
and take care of Joey.

I think you better figure out how
you're gonna break this to Archie.

That's no problem, Ma. We just,
uh, pick a good time to tell him.

There ain't never no good time

to tell bad news to Archie.

Well, can't you tell him
when he comes home?

Oh, no. You can't tell him
then 'cause he's hungry.

Well, um, how
about after he eats?

You can't tell him then
'cause he's watchin' TV.

Then, after TV.

Oh, no. You can't do it
then 'cause he's gettin' ready

to go to bed.

Well, Ma, when do
you tell Daddy things?

Well, I guess the only time
to tell him is when he's asleep,

but then he... he
don't remember.

Well, whoop-dee-doo,
whoop-dee-doo. Shh, I'll tidy up.

Here we are, back from
a little walk in the park.

Me and little Joey boy here.

Okay there, little guy.
Time to leave your grandpa

and rejoin your
daddy over there.

That's a lesson to you, see.
All good things come to an end.

Oh. Oh, Joey. Oh! Oh!

I tell you now. Don't be
hollerin' at him, will you?

You'll give him a
mental sterosis there.

I ain't even seen you crawl yet.

Oh. Oh, oh my,

you're so sleepy. Gee,
what a dingbat thing to say.

How you gonna see him crawl?

He ain't even learned
how to slobber yet, yeah?


The only thing he knows how
to do good, he's been doin'.

So change him.

People have been runnin' away
from us for the last three blocks.

I had to keep smiling so as
they wouldn't think it was me.

(MURMURING) I'll change him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'll
change him, I'll change him.

Oh, Joey, did you go
poo-poo in the park?

Come on, little girl, get rid
of the carriage here, huh?

Aw, jeez, the foot. For
God's sake. Oh, I'm sorry.

I get through half
the traffic in New York

and I gotta get home and get run
over in my daughter's livin' room.


Well, did you and Joey
have a nice walk in the park?

Ah, well, bein' with Joey was
nice, but that park makes me sick.

It's a disgrace,
what's goin' on there.

Young couples,
wrestlin' in the grass,

doin' things in public that I don't
even dare dream about in private.

You know, you're right, Arch.
New York is no place to raise a kid.

Oh, it's awful.

Huh. A kid needs to grow
up in a place that has fresh air

and wide-open
spaces. Ah, you said it.

A place like, uh...

Minnesota. Yeah.

Oh, that's a terrific place.

You like it there, huh? Yeah.

We're movin' there.

You're what?

Daddy, Michael's up for
a better job in Minnesota.

Yeah, uh, it means more
prestige and a lot more money.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait
a minute. What the hell is this?

A guy goes out for a little
walk with his grandson

and he comes home and finds
that all his loved ones, and you,

are all of a sudden movin'
down south to Minnesota?

Arch, think of Joey.

Think of how much better it'll
be for him away from New York.

What the hell's the matter with
New York? It's God's country.

If it wasn't, he wouldn't
have put me here.

Come on, Arch, what
about all the dirt and the filth?

And what about all those things

that the couples are
doin' in the grass?

They do the same
things in Minnesota.

Nobody sees 'em at it out
there 'cause the grass is higher.

Daddy, it's not your
decision to make.

Now, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Listen, listen, little girl.

First of all, first of
all, get away from him.

I wanna talk to
you. Get over here.

Get over there. Come on.

Now, listen, what
do you wanna do?

Do you want to break your
darling sweet mother's heart?

Oh, Archie... Shut up.

Break the family
up this way? No.

MIKE: Come on, Arch.

You're the one that's
breakin' the family up.

Why are you taking Gloria
and Joey away from us?

Because a wife's place
is with her husband,

and a kid's place
is with his parents.

"A kid's place is with
the parents" is right.

That's why Gloria's gonna
stay with her parents, us.

Daddy. Don't grab her.

That's my daughter.

I'm not happy about
having to move.

No, I believe
it. It's his fault.

But if that's where Michael's
future is, that's where I belong.

Ain't you got nothin'
to say about this?

Well, I... Ah, too
long, too long.

The future!

Always about the future. The future's
what's wrong with the world today.

There's too much future.
There ain't enough past.

People rootin' themselves up,
movin' from one city to another.

What is that?

Kids bein' raised by strangers.
The mothers are out workin'.

The kids never know the
aunts, the uncles, the grandpas.

(SIGHING) Nothing
like that. Stay out of this.

That's the trouble. They
never get to know old people.

And you know why? 'Cause they
don't see 'em till they start muggin' 'em.

Look, Arch, I know how you feel.

You know how I feel?

Let me tell you somethin',
wise guy. Get away from here.

One of these days,

my little grandson is gonna
come walkin' up to you

with tears streamin' out of his little
eyes, and he's gonna say to you,


"how is it that I never
had the advantage

"of wise learnin' at
my grandpa's knees?"

And you're gonna have
to tell him the truth, buddy.

He was kidnapped.

You're not gonna
make me feel guilty!

You're a kidnapper.
I don't feel guilty!

You're a kidnapper!
Don't stay here, Edith!

Good night.

You shouldn't feel guilty.

You ain't doin' nothin' wrong.

You're Joey's father, and you've
got a right to kidnap your own son.

You see, Archie and me
gotta get used to the idea

that we won't be
seein' you no more.

And we won't be watchin'
little Joey grow up.


Now, don't you feel guilty.


Come here, come here.

Sit down.


this is a great opportunity
for us. Think about it.

New job, new friends,
new adventures.

That's somethin' to be
really happy about, right?


Aren't you happy?


Honey, uh, "Uh-huh"
is not happy.

Happy is, "Ha-ha-ha!
Hey!" See the difference?


Don't you wanna go to Minnesota?

Oh, sure I do.

But don't you see how much
we mean to Ma and Daddy?

I don't think I mean
that much to your father.

Well, Joey does.

Oh, Archie'll get over it.


let me hear you say,
"Michael, I'm with you."

Michael, I'm with you.


Show me some real enthusiasm.

Michael, I'm with you.

That's better.


Oh. Hey, John. Can I
see you tomorrow? Sure.

Okay. Hey, how
about lunch today?

Sure. Say, I heard you were
up for that job in Minnesota.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm up for that same job.

Really? Gee, I... I
didn't know that, uh...

Well, congratulations
to you, too.

I hate competing with a friend.
I wish it was somebody else.

Yeah, me, too. But whatever happens,
we'll still have lunch today, huh?


Yeah, well, I guess I'm gonna
have some pretty stiff competition.

I mean, uh,

you're qualified and
personable and bright and, uh...

And black?

Uh, yeah. Well,
that... that too. Uh...

And you're thinkin' that
they may pick me over you

because of my color?

Well, John, you know
as well as I do that, uh,

according to the law, any
university applying for a Federal grant

has to hire minorities.
So, in this situation,

your color isn't
exactly gonna hurt you.

Ain't that a switch?

Honey, you're probably
worrying for no reason.

I mean, there's no guarantee they're
gonna pick John Kasten over you.

No, but it's a good bet.

Just because he's black?

Yes. Damn it, it's not fair.

You mean it's not fair for guys like
Jon Kasten to get an even break?

But why shouldn't I
get an even break?

I mean, why should
it be held against me

just because he was lucky
enough to be born black?

Did you hear what you
just said? That was crazy.

You know who you're
starting to sound like? Daddy.

Don't you ever say a
terrible thing like that to me.

Not even your father ever
said anything that awful to me.

Sorry. One more
and we're through.


ARCHIE: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Suppose I was the
paperboy over here?

Come over here 'cause I
want to read you something

right out of the alnamac here.

I've been lookin' up Minnesota,

and I found out a
few things in here.

Now, this is a hellhole
you're taking my family to.

You know what
they call Minnesota?

They call it the Gopher
State. You know why?

There's a trillion
gophers out there.

They all live in holes.
They call 'em gophers' holes.

So, little Joey, takin'
his first few steps,

he breaks his legs in
gophers' holes. You want that?

Gloria, we gotta get
a chain for that door.

Yeah. Wait a minute,
wait a minute here.

Here's some more
about Minnesota.

In the first place, you was
wrong. It ain't down south at all.

Minnesota is up north.

Do you know that the snow is
belly-high to a big Indian up there?

You know it's 40 degrees
below zero up there sometime?

Little Joey could freeze
off his fingers and his toes,

not to mention
nothin' more important.


Don't laugh over here.

Look, Arch, before you
get yourself all worked up,

we may not even
be goin' to Minnesota.

There's somebody else up for
the job and he happens to be black.

Oh, well, then you're off to Minnesota.
A black guy ain't goin' nowheres.

Arch, uh, these days colleges
are hirin' blacks over whites.

Well, it is high time.

Too long, colored guys ain't
been gettin' an even break there.

Too long, they've been gettin'
the short end of the totem pole.

I don't believe it.

Well, you better believe
it. You better believe it.

You shouldn't go out there and
take a job away from that guy.

Oh, it turns out that you're
the guy against the colored.

I never was.

I want to go on record as sayin'
something right here and now.

If it was up to me, I'd send
every colored guy in New York

to Minnesota.

That I believe.


You know somethin'? Hello?

I am shocked with you. I am
shocked with you! Yeah... Hey...

Will you get out of here?
Daddy, he's on the phone.

Your husband over there,
I'm shocked with this guy

'cause he happens to be a bigot.

What? He's a bigot?

A bigot, yes. And that's the
same guy that used to be marchin'

in all the peace riots
there. That's right.

That bigot over there won't
give an even break to a spade.


Don't shush me again. Thank...
Thank you very much, goodbye.

Honey. Honey, that was
Dean Winslow's secretary.

He wants to see me in his
office first thing Monday morning.

I think I got it! Oh!

I think I beat John
Kasten out of that job! Oh!

Aw, listen to this. I
can't believe my ears.

A white guy standin' there, bloatin'
over taking a job from a colored guy.

That ain't the American
way, buddy. No, sirree.

Listen here, Professor. You're the one
that needs an American history lesson.

You don't know nothin' about Lady
Liberty standin' there in the harbor

with her torch on high, screamin'
out to all the nations in the world,

"Send me your poor,
your deadbeats, your filthy."

And all 'em nations
sent 'em in here.

They come swarming in like ants.

Their Spanish PRs
from the Caribouan there,

your Japs, your Chinamen,
your Krauts and your Hebes,

and your English fags!

All of 'em come in here!
And they're all free to live

in their own separate sections

where they feel safe, and they'd
bust your head if you go in there!

That's what makes
America great, buddy!

I think we just heard Archie
Bunker's Bicentennial Minute.

John. Hey.

I didn't expect to
see you here, Mike.

I... I didn't expect
to see you either.

I thought when they called
me in here, I had the job.

So did I.

Last night, I took my
wife out to celebrate.

Sure hope I didn't blow
26 bucks on your good luck.

I... I didn't spend a dime
on yours. We stayed home.

It's not that funny,
it's just... Yeah, I know.

I'm just as nervous as
you are. Maybe more.

I mean, you've been
teaching longer than I have,

and... and that's gonna
weigh in your favor.

All right, John. Don't
count yourself out.

You know you got
a big advantage.

But we've always
had an advantage.

Yeah, like, when
they needed slaves.

They picked a black
man every time.

John, you know
what I'm talkin' about.

Sure. Reverse discrimination.

All right. So... So, be honest.

If you got this job, and you
knew that the main reason

was because you were
black, how would you feel?


Did any white man
ever turn down a job

knowin' that the main reason he
got it was because he was white?

Well, let me answer
that by saying, uh...

I can't think of an answer.

Ah, good morning.

Morning, morning.
John, Michael. Hi.

You know, it's good to
see you both smiling. Sit, sit.

Now look, I've put
in a call to Minnesota

to get their decision.

And I wanted you both here, not
so much to congratulate the winner,

as to console the loser,
because I'm fond of you both.

And frankly, I'm glad that I
don't have to make this decision.

So we're waiting for a
phone call, huh? Yeah.

Last time I felt like this, my
wife was gonna have a baby.

Except that was a breeze.
She did all the suffering.


Yes? Oh, thank
you, Harriet. This is it.

This is it.


Hello, Howard.

It's Howard.

Huh? Oh, the
weather's fine here.

How is it in Minnesota?

It's Howard in Minnesota.

Now look, Howard, I've got two
very, very nervous instructors here.

What's your decision?




All right, Howard.
He's a good man.

He's gonna be a fine
addition to your staff.

He didn't say, "A credit to
his race." So it must be you.

Well, yes, I know. I'm
losing a good instructor.

But what can you do? I
like to see talent move up.

All right. All right,
Howard. Take care.


Michael. Yeah.

I'm delighted you're still going
to be with us. That's terrible.

John, congratulations.
We... We're sorry to lose you.

Oh, thank you, Dean.
Thank you very much.

Oh, uh, yeah. Hey,
John, congratulations.

Thanks, buddy.
Well, you'll excuse me,

I have to break
the news to my wife.

Thanks again, Dean.
And take it easy, Mike.

Well, I...

Guess I better be goin',
too. I got a 9:00 class.

Suicide Prevention.

Wait a minute,
Michael. Wait a minute.

I said I was here
to console the loser.

Uh, that... that's all right, Dean.
I... I don't need any consolation.

I understand why
John got the job. I mean,

that's the way things are today.

Michael, look, when you
can't decide between two men,

it is important that the
minority candidate gets the job.

Now, we know that justice
should be perfectly balanced, right?

But that hasn't
always been the case.

'Cause every time
you favor one group,

an injustice is done to another.

Now, how would...
How would you say

the scales have been
balanced for the blacks?

Well, lousy, but they shouldn't
be balanced against anybody.

That's true. True.

But now, they may have to be for a while,
because they've been tipped in our favor

for so long.

Now just possibly, possibly,

it may have to rock both ways

until we arrive at equal
opportunity for everyone.

Yeah, well, thanks for
the recommendation.

Michael, wait a minute.

You know, you've
taken this very well.

I've got something here that's
gonna make you feel a little better.

I... I... I couldn't.
Yes, yes, kick it.

Come on, kick it.
Kick it. Oh, Dean.

Dean, really, I...
I, look, I... I'm fine.

I was a little upset before,

but I... I think
I'm over it now.

You better hurry up. I made
the reservation for 7:30.

Ma, Joey's next feeding
is at 8:00. Yeah, all right.

And, Daddy, don't pick
him up every time he moves.

Ah, come on, little girl, don't tell
me nothin' about babies, will you?

I was a father long
before you was born.

Don't worry about nothing.

Just have a good
time with the Kastens.

I think it's so nice of you,
Mike, to ask him out to dinner,

especially since he got the job.

That shows you're a
good loser. Ain't he, Archie?

Oh, yeah, he's a born loser.

But I gotta say this for him,
he's a pretty good sport there.

You're really gonna take the colored
guy and his wife out for dinner, huh?

Sure, why not?
He's still a friend.

Yeah, yeah. Well, listen. You're
not the only sport around here.

You know what I was gonna do,
if youse really went to Minnesota?

I was gonna pay for the
plane fare for all three of you.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, why not? You're the
father of my grandchild, ain't you?

You're the husband of my
daughter there, ain't you?

You mean, like...
like, one of the family.

No, no, jeez.

But you're close.

Thanks a lot. See you later.

Have a good time.
GLORIA: Good night.

So long. We'll be home
early, Ma. Good night, Daddy.

Oh, you stay out as
late as you want to.


Archie. Oh.

Oh, gee.

Oh, that was so
sweet of you. Edith...

Offerin' to pay
their plane fare.

Yeah, it was kind
of sweet of me, huh?

Oh, my. Did you
really mean that?

Certainly not.

But when, uh, bein'
generous don't cost you nothin',

well, what the hell, you might
as well go all the way, huh?


the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.