All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 18 - Archie Finds a Friend - full transcript

Archie befriends an elderly Jewish watchmaker named Bernie Bernstein who has come up with an invention that the thinks could make the both of them millionaires, a remote control for the doorbell. All he needs from Archie is $1000 to get started, which Archie just happens to have. Edith objects, and the more Archie tries to shut her up, the louder her objections become, especially when the remote either doesn't work or rings every doorbell in the neighborhood. Eventually it comes to light that Mr. Bernstein is a very sick man, and eventually dies right there on their couch.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith! I'm home!

Hello, Archie!

How was your day?

Terrific, Edith, terrific.
Hold the bag there.

What is this?

That is delicatessen
from Greenberg's, Edith.

Boy, it's worth your
life goin' in there.

The whole tribe of Israel is
in there, pushin' and shovin'.

I found myself pushed up against
the glass fish counter, you know?

I was eyeball-to-eyeball with a
flounder waitin' to get gefilted.

Yeah, but I got dinner already.

Why did you go to the deli?

Edith, because Jewish people

don't often eat what
we eat, you see?

Now, we happen to have a Jewish
person coming for dinner tonight.

Well, who is it? Do I know him?

You know him well.
Bernstein from the watch repair.

You know, I was
in gettin' that fixed.

Oh, Mr. Bernstein. Yeah.

Oh, he's such a nice man.

Is he feelin' all right?

Oh, well, you know, still
complainin'. He says "oy" a lot.

But he's all right.

Oh, I like Mr. Bernstein.

I'm glad you
invited him to dinner.

Why did you invite him?

Because, Edith, Bernstein is
gonna make me a millionaire.


LAUGHING) What the hell is that?

That's me laughin'.

Yeah, I know it's you laughin'.

That's the way everybody's
laughin' at Bernstein,

the way you laughed at me.

Well, go ahead. Let
the whole world laugh.

Bernstein is gonna
make him and me rich.

How can one poor man make
another poor man a rich man?

Edith, with his
new little invention.

Yeah. All right,
now get the food,

put it in the icebox there,

keep the Gentile
food to one side

so that the Jewish
food don't lose kosher.

Mmm! That's your
pickled herring in there.

I got another kind of herring
that's smoked in there,

you got your
chopped liver in there,

and you got your
gefilte fish balls in there.

The thing about Jewish food is it never
smells or looks like when it was alive.

Well, what did
Mr. Bernstein invent?

Some new kind of watch?

No, something better
than that. Now just listen.

Ain't it wonderful what they're
doin' with watches these days?

I saw one on TV that
didn't have no hands.

It just had numbers that
popped up and blinked at you.


12:04... Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

I'm sorry, Archie.

When is Mr. Bernstein's
invention comin' out?

When a smart backer puts up
the money for the patents, Edith.


I hope I'm wrong
about what I'm thinkin'.

'Cause if I'm right
about what I'm thinkin',

I don't like what I'm thinkin'.

Then why don't
you quit thinkin'?

It's too hard for you anyhow.

Take a look at that.

Was that a $100 bill on the top?

That is right, Edith. And there's
another $100 on the bottom,

and there's eight
more of 'em in between.


$1,000 of our money?

Yeah. Sure. That's
an investment, Edith.

The money's gonna
be workin' for us.

But I don't want
our money to work.

I wanted it to relax.

In the bank.

That's half of all the money
we got in the whole world.

Archie, you gotta go back
there tomorrow morning

and put that back in the bank

and tell 'em you're
sorry you took it out.

I ain't gonna do that, Edith.

Why should I put
$1,000 in the bank

when I can put it into
Bernstein's invention

and turn it into a million?

But why didn't Mr. Bernstein
go to the bank for his money

instead of goin' to you?

All right, all right,
Edith, let me explain...

No, I don't want
to hear it! Quiet!

Wait a minute! Listen!

I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to hear it!

Listen to me.

I can't hear a
word you're saying.

Listen to me. The man
worked seven years...

I don't care if it's 700 years.

Don't be playin' the
dopey monkey on me here!

Now, a husband and wife are
supposed to talk everything over.

You said that. Ain't that right?

Yeah. All right.

Now, there's two sides
to every question, Edith.

There's a right side,
and there's a wrong side.

And I'm here to tell
you the right side.

Well, when can I
tell you my side?

If my side is the right side,

then the hell with
any other side.

Except my side.

All right, will you listen
to me, Edith? Listen.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

I... I... I know it
took us a long time

to save up $2,311.

I know that looks like a lot of
money, but, Edith, think of this.

Suppose I got hurt at work,

or sick, or somethin' like that.

I got laid up. That
money would go like that.

But you got all kinds of
insurance with your union.

Oh, the hell with that! That
don't mean a damn thing!

Life insurance.

It means I can afford to be
dead but I can't afford to be sick.

If this thing hits,

and I become a
millionaire, jeez,

I mean, Edith, I could have
a heart attack and enjoy it.

It's true! I could afford the
luxury of the worst disease

you can mention. Mention one.

Is it time for my side?


All right!

All right.

Let me hear your
side. But make it quick.

I think you should put that
$1,000 back in the bank.

That's one of them
birds in the hand.


I'll tell you what a bird
will give you in your hand.


That's Bernstein. That's
Bernstein. I'll get the door.

Will you take the
sour look off your face?

You remind me of your mother.

Hiya there, partner! Come on in!

Come on in, Bernstein,
come on in the house here.

And welcome to our home.

And as youse people
say, "sha-boom."

And sha-boom to you, Bunker.

And to you, Mrs. Bunker, shalom.

Shalom, Mr. Bernstein.


See? There's an "oy."
What did I tell you?

I'm not supposed
to walk too fast.

Something for after dinner.

look at that. A bottle.

Little Cherry Heering.

Oh, see how smart
them people are?

They can even
make wine out of fish.

Anybody can make
wine out of grapes.

Yeah. Thank you.

Let me have your
coat and your hat.

Yeah. So good to have
him here. I... Listen.

I got the smartest
partner in the world.

Come here, Edith. Come here.
I want to show you somethin'.

Let's do the game for Edith.

Just to show her, huh?

Now, what do you
take? Odds or evens?

Evens. Evens. Okay.

One, two, three.

Look at this.

He wins this every
single time without fail.

Odds. One, two, three.

See? He wins. All the
time. How does he do it?

He always puts out two fingers.

Sit down, Mr. Bernstein.

Come on in. Come
on in and sit down.

Yeah, but not in that chair.
It's got a saggin' bottom.

So have I. Oh.

Sit over there. That's the
nicest chair in the house.

That's Edith's chair.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Bunker, tell
me, how's your Timex?

Oh, fine.

And your kitchen Bulova?

Fine. And your
daughter's Princess Elgin?

Much better, thank you.

My... My... My Benrus
is busting with health.

Edith, come on. Get dinner
on. We gotta talk business.

Oh, Archie, couldn't
you wait till after dinner?

She's right, she's right.
As my father used to say,

"The man who rushes into
ventures with his eyes closed

"may wake up with an ugly
bride." My father said that.

Does your invention have
something to do with a honeymoon?

Will you get your mind
out of the drugstore?

Mrs., uh, Bunker, your husband
didn't tell you what the invention is?

No, Mr. Bernstein.

But he said that it
would cost us $1,000

and Mr. Bernstein, we
ain't got that much money...

Dinner, dinner, dinner.

To put into... Edith.

Edith, dinner,
dinner, dinner, huh?

Bunker. Bunker.

Maybe we should forget
it if your wife is reluctant.

Oh, she just
don't want to do it.

Look, don't worry
about her, Bernstein,

because I make all of the money
decisions in this here house.

Though she did ask
me a question. She said,

how is it, Mr. Bernstein, that you
come and ask me for the money,

instead of goin' to a bank?

Well, I did, but I
didn't have any credit.

Oh, come on, I mean,

I hear on reliable rumor there

that the only banks youse people
don't control are the piggy banks.

Bunker, I hate to dispute
your very reliable rumor,

but the fact is, of the 20
biggest banks in the country,

not one is owned
by Jewish people.

Oh, that's very interesting.

But still, youse people
were runnin' banks

when the Morgans and the
Rockefellers was tradin' coconuts.

Tell me, how do you
celebrate Brotherhood Week?

Well, bein' an only
child, I never do.

Let's... Let's
stick to business.

Yes, business. Now.

Here is the money for
our patents. Right there.

And here is our Bunker-Bernstein

remote control doorbell
ringer, huh? Huh, partner?

Oh, terrific.

And here's my verbal
handshake on the whole deal.

See, look at that. Can I
try it out there, Bernstein?

Why not? You're half an owner.

Oh, boy. When this gets on
the market, in one year's time,

the two of us will be
livin' high off the hog.

Well, in your case, high
off the boiled chicken.


I'll get it!

Watch this now.
Watch this, Bernstein.

Oh, the doorbell rang
but there's nobody here.

Yeah, that's 'cause the
somebody ringin' it is over here.


You mean you rang
the bell with that thing?

That is the invention.
Ain't that terrific?


Well, why would anybody
want to sit in their living room

and ring their own doorbell?

Mrs... Mrs. Bunker,
let me explain it.

Let's say it's raining
and snowing outside,

and you're visiting somewhere.

And you drive up
to the house in a car.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if you
didn't have to get out of the car

and walk through
the mud and the slush

only to find out that
there's nobody home?


Oh, yeah. Well, ain't
that a wonderful idea?

Oh, yeah.

Now, wouldn't you
invest $1,000 in that idea?



No, no, Bernstein,
wait, Bernstein.

I know the shortcut to her ears.

I can explain it to her
all calm and simple.

We're investin' in that.

But, no, Archie. Yes, we are!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bernstein. That's
a beautiful little thing there.

Will you... A million dollars.

Try it out. Try it
out yourself. Here.

Aim it at the door and
just press that button there.

Go ahead.


Give me the thing.

Every time a woman
touches an appliance,

it makes a sound like that.

That ain't true. That is true!

Now watch me, will you?
I'll show you how you done it.

That way. The right way is this
way, see? Aim it straight there.

With your thumb
on the button and...


You got a raspberry, too.

It might be a low-energy impulse

that didn't
complete its circuit.

Yeah, that's exactly
what it must be, yeah.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go
right to the store and fix it.

Yeah, yeah, screw the little
eyepiece into your eyeball there,

and get over your bench
and fix that right up,

and then come back with it, huh?

Well, maybe he'd like
to have a little dinner first.

No, no, he's got to fix it.
He don't need no dinner.

Oh, everybody needs dinner.

No, these people
don't need to eat.

Oh, Archie.

It is true, Edith. They even
made a holiday out of it.

They starve
themselves a whole day,

then they fill up
on young kippers.

Did I say something?

I thought I heard something,

but I don't know what it was.

Oh. Well, listen, Bernstein.

You fix that thing up.
Now, I got faith in you.

And as soon as you're
done, come right back, see?

'Cause I ain't worryin', here,
Bernstein. I ain't worryin'.

I mean that, Edith.
I ain't worryin'.

Well, I am.

You can't put $1,000 in an
invention that ain't invented.

Yeah, but it's gonna
be, Edith. It's got to be.

Now, come here.
Come here. Listen.

Listen, sweetheart, huh?
Stay with me on this thing, huh?

I ain't a young guy.

This might be my one
chance to be a big winner.

But Archie, that's gamblin'.

Like when you used
to play the horses.

No, no, it ain't the same thing.

Now, let me tell
you. Look, look.

Edith, something
could happen to me.

I could be at work, see,
on the loadin' dock...

Oh, you already told me the
story about havin' a heart attack.

Yeah, but I want to
tell you a worse story.

On the loadin' dock, there, see?

All right, a cable
snaps, a crate falls,

and I can't walk
for the rest of my life

'cause all my legs is crushed.

Oh, Archie...

That could happen!
That could happen, Edith!

I could be up there layin'
for God knows how long

and no money comin' in.

And you! Jugglin' bedpans.

Oh, Archie!

While you stand there
and argue with a cripple.


Oh, I'll get it!

Hold it. That's Bernstein,
Edith, Edith, Edith.

I'll get that. That's Bernstein.

Get back, get back.
He's scared of you.


Oh, there ain't nobody here.

Yes, there is there.
Across the street.

He's ringin' it from
across the street,

and that time it didn't go...


I guess it works.

It works. Come on,
Bernstein. Come on in.

It works! It works! It works!
I knew you were gonna fix it.

It came to me in a
flash, what was wrong.

It works! It works!
We're rich! We're rich!

I tell you, partner! We're rich!

I knew you were gonna
fix it. Rich! Rich! Rich!

♪ If I were a rich man

♪ Ya ha deedle deedle,
bubba bubba deedle deedle dum

♪ All day long I'll

♪ If I were a wealthy man ♪

Hey, hey, hey!



Oh, oh, hey, hey.

Sit down.

Gee, what happened, to
you partner, there, huh?

No, no, I'm all right.

It's just...

Just a little excitement.
Don't worry about it.

Can I get you something? No.

Some tea, maybe? Booze, booze.

Or some booze?

Maybe. Maybe a little
of that Cherry Heering.

Right away. Yeah, yeah, get the
herring in the bottle there, Edith.

Come here, come
here. No, no, sit down.

I'll be all right.
You'd better sit down.

No, you make yourself comfortable.
This time, right in the main chair,

the special chair
of the house, there.

This is your chair?
Yeah. Hey, listen.

Would you believe Sammy
Davis himself sat in that chair?

Oh, what do you know?

Well, my tuckus finally
made the big time.

I see you're
takin' pills. Listen.

If you're not feelin' good,

we got a lot of Arm &
Hammer in the kitchen there.

Here's your Cherry
Heering, Mr. Bernstein.

Yeah, jolt of the old herring.
That'll bring you back to life.

(PHONE RINGING) Oh, excuse me.


Oh, hello, Irene.

Yeah, our doorbell
rang. It was...

Yours rang, too?

And the Wiedermeyers'?

And the Hefners'?

And the Berquists'?

Irene, don't worry. I think
I know what's the matter.

I'll call you later. Yeah. Bye.

Mr. Bernstein,

I guess your
doorbell ringer rings,

but it rings all over the
block at the same time.

Hey, wait a minute. What
are you doin' that for?

Well, until I fix it, I don't think I
should really hold your money.

Hands off it, Edith. Hands
off. Hands off the money.

Look, Bernstein. What
do you think is the matter?

Well, it worked in
Woodhaven and College Point.

I wonder if the ionosphere
is different here in Astoria.

It could be. The neighborhood's
changed a hell of a lot.

I'll try and fix it.

Well, listen, it means everything
in the world to the two of us,

so don't just try.
Fix it, Bernstein.

Listen, Bunker, let's face it.

It's possible that
people like you and me

were never meant to be rich.

Oh, never say that.

Why the hell not? It's true.

Like my Tante Malka used to say,

there are two kinds of losers:

schlemiels and schlimazels.

A schlemiel goes
through life spilling soup,

and a schlimazel is
the guy he spills it on.

So I'm the schlemiel,

and you're the schlimazel.

No, no.

And sometimes
Archie's the schlemiel

and I'm the schlimazel.

Oh, shh!

Oh! Mr. Bernstein!
Mr. Bernstein!

Hey, hey! Oh, yeah.
Put him on the sofa.

Hey, you better get
over and sit down here.

Shall I call your doctor?
Yeah. Get on the sofa.

What is your doctor's name? What's
the number? What's the number there?

The number's on the bottle
there. Yeah. Right. Dr. Levine.

Yeah. Are you all right there?

It's just the
excitement, you know.

Yeah, you was dancin' over
here and everything else.

Well, who could blame
you for bein' excited? Listen.

When this thing
gets on the market

and we make our million,

why, you'll be able
to spit on the world.

With my luck, it'll be in a
high wind and I'll get it back.

Don't say that. Hey, come on.

Put your feet up
on the couch here.

No, no, the shoes
will dirty the couch.

Don't worry about the shoes
dirtyin' nothin'. Wait a minute.

Let me get the pillow
there, behind your head.

Now you... Oh, the
coat over you. Yeah.

You always got to cover
up a lyin'-down man.


Yeah, Doctor.

Oh, I will, Doctor.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mr. Bernstein,

Dr. Levine is comin' right over.

He says you gotta lay still

and be very, very quiet.

Oh, you're gonna be all right.

You gotta get well

so you can fix your
doorbell ringer so it rings

one door at a time.

I think it's a wonderful
idea, Mr. Bernstein.

It's your dream and
you gotta follow it.

Mrs. Bunker,

for you I'd like to make the
bells ring all over the world

like Christmas Eve.

I'll get some tea.

Booze, Edith. Some booze.

Well, now, listen. While
she's gettin' that, just cheer up.

Hey, I'll tell you what we do.

We play the game, huh?

What do you take? Odds or evens?

Evens. Okay.

One, two, three.

Well, now, that ain't
supposed to happen, there.

Congratulations. I lose.

Oh, Bernstein, the
doctor's comin' over.

He'll take care of you. Tomorrow,
you'll be jumpin' around like a boy.

We'll play the game again, and
you'll win again, just like always.


Hey, Edith. Edith!

Here's your tea, Mr. Bern...

Aw, no, Edith. The
doctor will be here,

and work on him
and bring him around.

Well, uh,

maybe I'd better go
out on the... on the porch

and wait for the doctor.

You know, this...
This... this porch is

really awful, Edith, you know?

It's a disgrace. It needs
a coat of paint so bad.

Maybe the first thing in the
mornin' I ought to go down to the...

You know...

He was a nice old man.

Oh, sure he was. Sure he was.

What was his first name?

Gee, I... I don't know.

You think you could
fix that yourself?

Oh, no, Edith.

No, not without him.

I ain't smart enough for that.

But then, who knows?

It probably wouldn't have
been a big seller anyhow.

You know the way people are.

They'd just as soon come
up to the door and knock.

It's cold out here.

Yeah, it's cold out
here, Edith. It's cold.

It's cold.



the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.