All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 17 - Archie the Babysitter - full transcript

It is finally time for Mike and Gloria to have a break from little Joey for the evening and they hire a babysitter named Sharyl to watch him. Archie checks in but is none too thrilled by her choice of studies - Aboriginal sexuality - nor her hippie boyfriend whom she takes to smooching with on the couch. Archie throws them both out and takes little Joey over to his house just as the guys are converging for their poker night. He becomes irritated by the chatter and the noise from his buddies until they come together to try and help little Joey get to sleep.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Honey, aren't you ready yet?


Preparing this mother's
milk is a lot of trouble.

Maybe I ought to start
him on baby's formula.

only one formula that'll make a baby

and if you play your cards
right, I'll refresh your memory.

I can't believe we're
finally going out. Yeah.

After three weeks
of taking care of Joey,

everything looks
like a diaper to me.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, I can't put my
shorts on unless I'm lyin' down.


You know what's so nice?

I can finally put my
arms around you again.

You know, for the
last few months,

I felt like we were
kissin' over a beach ball.

But you always told me I looked
beautiful when I was pregnant.

You were. You were gorgeous.

You... You had a-an
inner glow, a radiance.

I was fat and clumsy.

That, too.


But tonight, tonight I
am taking you away

from the joys of motherhood.

Honey? What?

Isn't it wonderful?

Three whole hours with no
one throwing up on my shoulder.

Aw, look at him, honey.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hiya, Joey.

Aw, isn't he beautiful?


Aw, he's the spitting
image of his father.

Yeah, you mean a
drooling image of his father.

There you go.

Hi, little honey.

You know, when I look at him like
this though, he really looks more like me.

Yeah? Well, look,
he's got my eyelashes.

He's got my nose,
my chin, my neck.

Keep goin'. You'll
get to me soon.

Your stomach.

Go to sleep, sweetheart.

He's yawnin'. Yeah.

Good night, Joey.

Look at that. He
went right to sleep.

Are they supposed to do that?

Yeah, it's okay, honey. Oh.

Hey, you want anything
from Ferguson's for the baby?

Huh? What? Shh!

Daddy. Be quiet.
The baby's sleeping.

I didn't know that. Let me look.

Hey, he looks like
he's chewin' in there.

You know, when he's chewin',
he reminds me of you, Meathead.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry I can't oblige
your babysittin' tonight, little girl.

But you know about the poker
game over at my house, huh?

That's all right, Daddy. We have a
very experienced babysitter coming over.

She's one of Michael's
brightest students.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

You're gonna leave that baby
alone here with a total stranger?

Arch, the kid is
three weeks old.

He hasn't made many friends yet.

What the hell kind
of a father... Shh!

hell kind of a father are you?

When Gloria was a
baby, I never left her alone.

Wherever I went, I made
sure that Edith stayed with her.

Daddy, if you're so worried,
then cancel your poker game,

and you sit with your grandson.

I can't do that, little girl.
The game is all set up.

Jeez, it's your mother's fault.

She had no business goin'
out of town at a time like this

with a three-week old baby
lying there in the bassinoot.

Daddy, she had to go.

Her Aunt Louise is 88
years old and she's very sick.

She could die any minute.

Aw, that old bag has been
dyin' any minute for 30 years.

She's gonna bury
the whole bunch of us.

The only way she's gonna croak
is if somebody shoves her off a cliff.

Ah! Oh, hi, there, Kelsey.

Yeah, Archie here.

Yeah, the card game's set for
tonight only Stretch can't come.

You got somebody
to fill in for him?

Willie Johnson,
your neighbor? Yeah.

Oh, he's a colored guy.

Oh, well, uh... Goodbye, Willie.

Cut that out! That hurt.

No, it's the daughter
here foolin' around.

No, no, no, I ain't got
nothin' against them people.

You know that.

Listen, I'm talking
on the phone to you

from a house that
used to be colored.

No, no, no, bring the guy
along. Glad to have him.

See you at 8:00. Bye.

Hey, Gloria? Hmm?

We'd better hurry up. We're
gonna miss the show. Oh.

Hey, Arch, do me
a favor, will you?

Stay with the baby until
the babysitter gets here.

I gotta go to
Ferguson's for beer.

Oh, Arch.

Oh, Daddy, Ferguson's
is open until midnight.

You just don't wanna
be alone with the baby

'cause you're afraid you
might have to change him.

You think I never
changed you, little girl?

If I'd have waited
for you to do that,

I would have worn the
same diaper till I was two.

Ma told me that.

Well, don't believe your
mother. You believe me.

Many's the time I
changed you, little girl.

And it wasn't always wee-wee.
Sometimes, it was this here.

Well, I never promised
you a rose garden.

(CHUCKLING) That's cute.

I don't know what the
hell she's talkin' about.


I'll get it. I'll get it.
I'm right here, ain't I?

Hi. Hiya, sis. What do you want?

Oh, hi, Mr. Stivic. Hi,
Sharyn, come on in.

Who's this? Sharyn.
She's the babysitter.

is the babysitter? Yeah.

What's the matter
with you? What?

A kid this age can't take
care of a baby. Are you crazy?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stivic.

Hi, Sharyn, this is
my father Mr. Bunker.

Daddy, this is Sharyn Ramsey.

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Yeah,
hiya there, sis. Uh, yeah.

Now you can give Joey his 8:00
bottle whenever he wakes up.

And over there on the desk, I've got the
phone number of the theater written down.

Gloria, we're gonna be late. We'd
better hurry. We're gonna be late.

All right. Don't worry.
Sharyn, we'll see you later.

Hey, listen, listen. What?


A girl like this
with a kid in here.

A babysitter at least
ought to be out of puberous.

Um, say, uh, listen, sis,

not to get personal or anything,
but how long have you been...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What is this?

That's a textbook.

I know.

"The Sex Life of Aborgnines."

Is that that actor
with all of the wives?


Well, I know,
but it's about sex.

Does your mother
know you're readin' this?

Mr. Stivic's teaching it.

Well, I ain't surprised.
He'd teach anything.

How long you been babysittin'?

Since I was 14.

Was that about a year ago?

I'm 18.

Oh, now, come on. You can't tell
me you're 18 years of age there.

Would you like to see
my driver's license?

No, no, no, I didn't ask to
see your driver's license.

You say you're 18...
What year was you born in?



I'll take your word for it.

Uh, let me ask you
this. Uh, what's that?

Baby powder.


What's this here?

A pre-moistened towelette.

Oh, is that what that is.

And this over here?

Baby oil.

How many teaspoonfuls
you give him?

You rub it on. You
don't feed it to him.

Well, see you remember that.

Now, I'm gonna leave. And you just
sit right here where you can see him.

Here, move up a little bit closer
there where you can see the ba...

Don't be readin' sex here, huh?

Just keep your eye on him.

See, I don't want him
turnin' over there on his face

so he gets himself
a cauliflower nose.

Don't worry, Mr. Bunker. At three
weeks, he's not strong enough

to turn over by himself.

Don't short-change
the kid. He's very strong.

Look at the arms and
the shoulders on him there.

He's got a hell of a bite, too.

You know what he done yesterday?

He bit right through a nipple.

It was a lucky thing
he was on a bottle.

He could have hurt
somebody in the family.

He doesn't have
any teeth, Mr. Bunker.

Well, then, he's got
gums like an alligator.

I'm only telling you
what he done, that's all.

Now, I gotta go over next
door to the game, see?

And if he wakes up and he
sees a strange face, that's yours,

and he starts cryin',

you go out the kitchen
door, out the back door, see,

cross the alley, come over to
the house and get his ganpaw.

His ganpaw?

That's what he's gonna call
me when he learns to talk.

Don't look at me. Look at him.

He's a beaut,
ain't he, for a boy?


Yeah, he's gonna grow
up to be a hell of a guy, too.

None of them fruitcakes
with the long hair,

funny eyeglasses and a purse
hanging down over their shoulder.

Holy cow, I don't believe it.

Hi, is, uh, Sharyn Ramsey here?

What's it to you?

Hi, David, come
on in. Hi, Sharyn.

Who is this? Who
is this? Who is this?

I guess you know him, huh?

Oh, uh, Mr. Bunker, this is David
Harper. He's a friend of mine.

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, likewise.

What's this here?

Oh, that's a couple albums.
We're gonna play 'em.

You know, Rolling
Stones, Grateful Dead.

Yeah, I know all about
them gravediggers.

I don't want no loud
music played in here.

Don't worry, we
won't play the albums.

Yeah. Hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.

Douse the light there, buddy.

What do you think you're doin'?

Well, I was gonna
smoke a cigarette.

Uh, David, no smoking
around the baby.

Yeah, but that
ain't the point there.

Is that, uh, a
regular cigarette?

Yeah, it's the legal kind. You
know, the one's that give you cancer?

Oh, that's good.

You sure you ain't got, uh, any
of them funny, little ones in there?

Aw, Mr. Bunker, I
don't smoke grass.

Oh, oh, oh, I
never said you did.

I just don't wanna come
back in here a little later

and sniff around and
think I'm in Mexico.

Come here, sis, I wanna
ask you something.

Come over here. Come
over here. Why is he here?

David and I are
studying together.

Studying what?


In front of the child?

Anthropology is
the study of man.

That's the point. I don't
want you studying that man.

You don't understand...

Listen, Sharyn, this isn't
gonna work out. I'd better go.

All right. That's
a very good idea.

I think I'll hold
the door for you.

I'm sorry. Oh, it's all right.

We'll catch up later.

Jeez, he can't keep
his mouth off of her.

Mr. Bunker, it's been
a real experience.

Yeah, yeah, likewise. Likewise.

Yeah, bye.


Look what your boyfriend done
there. He woke up the baby here.

Come on, sis, pick him up, huh?

The door scared him.
He'll stop in a minute.

I don't think he's gonna
stop. You better pick him up.

It's not good to pick up
a baby every time it cries.

It just makes it
harder for the mother.

The hell with the
mother. Pick up the child!

Believe me. If we leave him
alone, he'll go right back to sleep.

Well, how's he gonna go to sleep
when he's making so much noise

he's keepin' himself awake?

Oh, he ain't... He
ain't crying now.

What the hell was that?

Nothing. He went back to sleep.

Are you sure he
didn't faint in there?

He didn't faint.

Well, don't you think
we ought to pinch him?

No, he's asleep. Shh.

All right. Okay, I'm goin'
now, but I'm gonna come back

and I may be
droppin' in suddenly.

If my grandson is yellin' there
and you ain't pickin' him up,

you're in trouble, sis.

Mr. Bunker, maybe you'd feel
better if you sat with the baby.

Well, don't think I wouldn't if
I didn't have this poker game.

Oh. What's more important?
Your poker game or your grandson?

Hey, don't be fresh now.

My grandson's more important.


Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

How much are they
payin' you for this here?

Nothing. I was doing it
as a favor for Mr. Stivic.

Terrific. Well, I'll take over.


I'll hold the door
open for you, too.

You know, David
was right, Mr. Bunker.

It sure was an
experience meeting you.

Hey, hey, hey, there's no sense
trying to make up with me now.


Oh, gee.

Hey. Hey, hey, don't cry.

Hey, don't cry in
there, little fella.

Don't cry. Your ganpaw
is here with you here.

Don't cry. Hey, listen, I can't
pick you up every time you cry.

Huh? Because that makes
it hard on your mother.


Oh, jeez, you sound
like your mother, too.

MAN 1: Gotta make expenses.

MAN 2: Let's go here.

All right, let's
go. Not too bad.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna
open for a half.

the Greek over there.

I'll call.

Me, too. Call.

Let's see what
we got here. Well...

Hey, hey, hey. Tiny, huh?

Don't be lightin'
up a heater here.

The smoke will go over
there and finixiate the child.

Sorry, Arch, I forgot.

Do you have to be clickin' your
winnings over there? Well, I...

The noise would
wake up the baby, huh?

Jeez, Arch, all we've
been gettin' for two hours

is don't laugh, don't
smoke, don't click the coins!

And don't raise your voice.

Hey, Arch, maybe you ought
to let the baby get used to noise.

Shh. Why?

Well, with you for a grandpa...

Aw, look what you did!

You with your big mouth!

Bunker, are you in or out?

Aw, give me a break, will you?

I'm trying to deal with
a kid in trouble, here.

All right, little fella.

You just try and go
seepy-bye in there.


Jeez, if I knew it was
gonna be this kind of night,

I'd have brought my Barbie doll.

The kid must be hungry.

He ain't hungry. He ain't supposed
to be fed for another three hours yet.

Check. Maybe he lost his watch.

Well, if he ain't hungry,
it's the other thing.

What other thing?

Feel his bottom.

See if it's heavy.

I don't have to
do nothin' like that.

He got rid of all
that this mornin'.

Arch, you want the
kid to stop cryin'?

Why don't you do what I
always did with my kid?

Give him some beer.

What an awful suggestion.

Feedin' beer to a child
that ain't even weanied yet?


He's in some kind
of trouble over here.

Well, maybe he's
havin' a nightmare.

Oh, he don't know
enough about the world.

He ain't even took
a subway ride yet.

My grandmother used to say, "A
crying baby is like a nickel on the floor.

"Pick it up and
everybody's happy."

Yeah, everybody except
the guy who lost the nickel.

Sidney, the worst thing you
can do for a kid is pick him up.

It only spoils him.

Better he should be spoiled
than he should be crying.

My grandmother always said, "A
crying baby should be picked up."

She was pickin' me up
when I was nine years old.

I say you should pick him up.

Yeah, pick him
up, or deal him in.

TOMMY: Yeah.

Don't you see that your
laugh is torturin' the child here?

Hey, Arch. Arch, that
sounds like a rash cry to me.

See if he's wet.

No, no, no, I don't like
to do that. He ain't wet.

How do you know? Did you feel?

I don't have to feel. He
don't even sound wet.

Hey, Arch, I think you're
afraid to change the kid.

I'll bet you've never changed
a baby. SIDNEY: Yeah.

I'm tellin' you,
Arch, it's a rash cry.

It ain't a rash cry.
It's a noise cry.

And the cause of it is
Tiny over there. Me?

If you ain't gonna pick
it up, the kid's hungry.

Yeah, come on, feed him.
Feed him, Arch. Feed him!

I'll give him a bottle.
I'll give him a bottle.

All right, you guys
all gather round here.

Jiggle the bassinoot here, see?

And I'll go get his stuff.

(SHUSHING) Okay, okay.

Hey, he's a cute kid, huh?


It's hard to believe
he's related to Arch.

Shh. Shh.

ALL: ♪ Rock a bye
baby on a tree top

♪ When the wind blows

♪ The cradle will rock

♪ When the bough
breaks the cradle will fall

♪ And down will come baby

♪ Cradle and all ♪

Hey, how 'bout it?

Hey, hey, hey, Arch.
Did you hear that, huh?

Yeah, swell, three Andrews
Brothers and one Ink Spot.

I think I'll feed him now, huh?

That baby got nice features.


But I don't think he's getting
enough sunshine though.

He looks a little
pale, don't he?

You all look a
little pale to me.

Before you give it to him,
you're supposed to test it first.

I already tested it, Schwartz,

and it tastes lousy
just like babies love it.

Arch, the bottle ain't
gonna stay in his mouth.

You gotta pick him up, you
gotta cradle him in your arms

and then you gotta hold
the bottle in his mouth.

No, no, gee, look at that.

He's slurpin' it up
pretty good, ain't he?

Yeah, yeah, I can't wait till he's
old enough to come to my bar.

Hey, Arch, I don't think
he's drinkin' anything.

Maybe he has to burp.

No, kids only burp when
they finish their bottle.

Sometimes, it's before.
Sometimes, it's after.

There are no rules for burping.


See? He burped.

That wasn't no burp.

Hey, Schwartz, there, I mean, you
know so much about everything, uh,

are you, uh, gonna help me
with this little change here?

I ain't a Jewish mother.


I ain't even Jewish.

Kelsey there?

Arch, I came to
play poker not house.

Let's get our
winnings, fellas, huh?

Hey, Tiny, what am I gonna do?

Open a window.

Yeah, Arch, and then after
that sing to him. You know.

♪ Rock a bye baby on a tree top

ALL: ♪ When the wind
blows the cradle will rock

♪ When the bough
breaks the cradle will fall

♪ And down will come
baby cradle and all ♪

Hey, you guys, you're leaving
an innocent child in danger here.

Well, okay, kiddo.

As the President said to the
boys, "I'll erase this myself."

All right now, just take
it easy. That's a boy.

You don't have to
cry about nothin'.

I like you quiet this way, see?

Where's the pins? No
pins. Jeez, what a diaper.

Oh, you're taped up there,
huh? Oh, that's pretty good.

We'll get that off there.

There we go. There we go.

Now we get it off
there. Now we get it off...

It's okay. It's okay.

Only take a minute
here. There we go. There.

Now we'll get it
all together here.

Now, I'll be right with
you, huh? Now, don't move.


Okay, okay, I ain't
leavin' the room. I...

Here we are.

This is gonna feel good,

when we get you all
wiped off. Won't it?

Take it easy.
Take it easy there.

We'll get you all wiped off.
Get you nice and clean there.

And, uh, and then
we, uh... Yeah.

Yeah, we got a diadee
comin' for you now here.

Here's a nice clean one.

Okay, okay, take it easy there.


That's a boy.

I can't even get him up.

We'll get you out of here.

Oh, yeah, that's okay.

That's okay.

I'll carry you in
a minute there.

This is down here.

Tape it over there.

And over there.
And you'll be all set.

There you go.

Good night.



Now, I left a note over there
for your mommy and daddy

that you're over
here with me, see?

And wasn't it better bein'
over here with all us guys

than with that fresh girl? Huh?


♪ Lullaby, and good night

♪ And with roses bedight ♪

Whatever that means.

A couple years, I'll be telling
you fairy stories, you know?

Oh, I don't mean stories
about them people, you know,

but stories out of fairy books
like "The Three Little Bears,"

"The Three Little Pigs."

See, "The Three Men in a Tub."

They had a water
shortage in them days.

See, everything in fairy
land was in threes, you know?

Except the dwarves.
There was seven of them.

'Cause they was little, see?

And, uh, the wolf
was after them.

So the wolf come
runnin' after 'em.

Boy, and he had
one hell of a breath.

He blew down their house, see?

And he blew down their house
and they had to find another joint.

So they run through the woods
and they run across Goldilocks,

and she took them all
in to live with her, see?

But nothin' wrong with that because she
was a nice girl, and they're old anyway.

So they got another house.
But the wolf come along

and he blew that one down, too.

So then they took off again through
the woods and they come to a...


They come to a brick
house there, see?

And that belonged to
Disney. So they all...

They all moved in there and
started working for him, hmm.

Yeah, well, that
ain't particularly right,

but then, you don't know
the difference anyhow.


♪ London Bridge is falling down

♪ Falling down, falling down

♪ London Bridge is falling down

♪ The Limeys built it wrong ♪

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Arch.

Hi, you're back, are you?

Yeah. Yeah.

How's Joey?

Ah, he's great there. You see
this in here? See what that is?

That's a nice, clean,
fresh diadee there.

MIKE: You diapered
the baby, Arch?

Well, he certainly
didn't do it himself, huh?

Daddy, what's that on the floor?

Oh, that's something that
Joseph flung out of his bassinoot.


Aw, he burped.

Oh, I don't think
that was a burp.

I'll tell you what there.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
let you take over here,

Daddy Meathead.

You just take over, huh?


You know somethin'?

In this situation, he
looks like you again.

the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.