All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 15 - Birth of the Baby: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

(DIALING PHONE)

Hello, may I speak
to Dr. Ruston, please?

This is Nurse Winslow calling.

Hi, Sam, honey.
It's me, Dorothy.

I had to call you.

You can't come over tonight.

Bernice won't leave the house.

I'm sorry, too. You'll just have
to have dinner with your wife.

Do you know how
much I hate Bernice?

Yes, I know she's my sister, but
do you know what she did last night?

She rearranged the furniture in
the entire house, that's what she did.

Nurse, excuse me, excuse me.
Could I speak to you for a minute?

Just a minute, Sam. Yes?



Could you please tell me
what room my daughter is in?

Her name is Gloria Stivic
and she's havin' a baby.

Uh, no, sorry, we
have no Stivic here.

So, anyway, Sam... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's gotta be
here. Excuse me, miss.

You see, my son-in-law
Mike just called

from the Mount Vesuvius
Italian restaurant an hour ago,

and that ain't far from
here, so she's gotta be here.

I'll have to put you on
hold, Doctor, on hold.

Oh, Sam, you're so sick.

Now, what was that name?

Edith Bunker.

Bunker, Bunker, Bunker.

No, there's no
Edith Bunker here.

Well, I ain't lookin'
for Edith Bunker.

I'm Edith Bunker.

I'm lookin' for Gloria Stivic.

She's my daughter,
and... and she's supposed

to be here right
now, havin' a baby.

ARCHIE: Edith.

Oh, Archie!

The parking lot out there
is overflowin' with cars.

What in the hell... Is
there an epidemic here?

I had to park three blocks
away. I ran all the way, Edith,

with a dog chasing me and
the kids threw sticks at me.

Archie,

Gloria ain't here. What do
you mean? She's gotta be here.

No, she ain't here. I'm
afraid somethin' happened.

Maybe she had the baby in the
restaurant, Come on, take it easy.

Or in a taxi... Will you take
it easy? Let me handle this.

Hey, Nurse. Hey, Nurse. Nurse.

Hey, Nurse. Hey, Nurse!

Just a minute, Sam.

Aren't you a little
old for trick-or-treat?

Uh, I'm only dressed this way
because I was in a menstrual show.

A what?

A menstrual show.
A menstrual show.

Minstrel.

(MUTTERING)

I mean, I wanna
find my daughter.

I will be right with you as
soon as I am off the phone.

Nurse, you are off the phone
now. So, Sam, what she did was...

(TAUNTING)

(RINGING)

(CHIRPILY) Admissions.

No, Bernice, I do not...

No, no, Bernice. Oh,
Jesus, isn't this terrible?

It is your turn to do
the grocery shopping

and I do not want liver tonight.

Bernice. Bernice.

All right, Bernice. You
buy liver and I'll kill you.

Nurse, we're lookin' for our
daughter and this is her first baby.

I'm sorry. Now, what
was the doctor's name?

Dr. Shapiro. Shapiro.

Which Dr. Shapiro?

Shapiro, the groinecologist.

Well, what is his first name?

What is it?

I don't remember. We don't
remember, we didn't name the guy.

Isn't it just possible that you've
come to the wrong hospital?

You know, this is
Presbyterian Hospital.

I know it's Presbyterian. I wouldn't
send my daughter to Hebrew National.

I'm very busy, and I'd just
as soon see less of you.

Well, until we find my
daughter, you're gonna see more.

That's it! Huh?

Seymour! Huh?

Seymour Shapiro.

Seymour Shapiro.

Yes. There it is.

Dr. Seymour Shapiro, and he's
made a reservation for Gloria Stivic.

Yes. But she hasn't arrived yet.

What do you mean? She should
have been here an hour ago.

Go call the
restaurant, will you?

Oh, yeah, I'll go
call Mount Vesuvius.

Where's the phone?
In the waiting room.

Oh, thank you. Wait a
minute, wait a minute...

I see it right over
here. Can't you read?

I can see it upside down.
Mrs. Stivic, room 118.

That is Stipic.

It is Stivic. "P", as in pest.

"P" as in "nuts to you."

Well, you're just
fine, Miss Stipic.

You'll be a little groggy till
the anesthesia wears off.

Now, if you need me for
anything, you just press this button.

Right here, it's right by
the bed. Pleasant dreams.

Hey, Gloria.

Aw, jeez.

(STAMMERING)

I was comin' in here
looking for a young girl.

(ARCHIE CHUCKLING)

Listen, while I'm here,
you got any cold cream?

What for?

Can't you look at me
and figure that out?

Take anything you want!

Oh, all right.

Okay, okay. Hey, here we are.

Get in here, fast!

There's a fat black man in here,

and I'm in no
condition to be raped!

What the hell are you talkin'
about? "A fat black man in here"?

Rape! Rape!

Who'd want to rape you, anyway?

Nobody. Not even one of us guys.

Dr. Seymour Shapiro, please.

Yes, I'll hold on.

Where's my husband? Shh!

Please, I'm waiting
for Dr. Shapiro now.

Hey, Nurse, have you got a
place where I can take this off...

I couldn't get through to the
restaurant, the line was busy.

Now, listen, Nurse.
Listen, Nurse.

If you can't find my daughter, then
get off your private conversations

and get me my
daughter's Dr. Shapiro.

That was Dr. Shapiro.

(GROANING)

You Meathead you.

You couldn't get here on
time with a pregnant wife,

me and the
mother-in-law so worried,

you should see how she's been
drivin' the poor nurse crazy here.

Didn't I see you in Show Boat?

(INAUDIBLE)

What happened to you?
You had us all worried here.

Daddy, is that you?

It ain't your Aunt Jemima.

♪ Old man river ♪

Come on, come on.

I can't believe it! I
was trying to get it off...

I'm sorry, Daddy, I know
you rushed over here.

It's just that you
look so... Oh!

How fast are the pains coming?

I'm in constant pain here.

Mrs. Stivic? Oh!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

They're comin'
about every five...

Every five minutes,

and they're stronger
and sharper now.

I can't stop...

I guess it just must
be the nervous tension.

Well, I can't stand
this. I'm sorry, Daddy.

Oh, well, that's all right, little girl,
you can laugh at me if you want.

Yeah, that's all right.

But not you!

I wasn't laughin'.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where's that wheelchair?

Oh, well, I certainly
hope it's on its way.

MIKE: Here's the
chair. Here's the chair.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's my father!

Good luck, Mrs.
Stivic, and thanks.

I haven't laughed this much

since my sister, Bernice,
sat down on a hot stove.

Get her into the delivery room
and let her deliver, will you?

Good luck.

Next time I see you,
you're going to be a mother.

And the next time I see you,
you're going to be a grandmother.

And the next time I see
Daddy, he'll be white.

Hey, Nurse.

I got this stuff to take
it off my face, see?

Can you direct me
to a toilet at least?

Yeah, follow me.

Well, I guess it is kind
of funny after all, huh?

Oh, my God, what
the hell is this?

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

Well, here we are.

We've waited nine and a
half months and here it is.

The big moment.

Michael, we've been in this
labor room for six hours now

and I think that's about the 18th
time you've said "the big moment."

Well, it is. It is a big moment.

That's 19.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry it's taking
so long. You must be bored.

Bored? Honey, how
can you say I'm bored?

I mean, my wife is gonna have
a baby, how can you be bored?

That wasn't a bored yawn,
that was a tired yawn, that was...

Hey. Hey, I know what.

Why don't we play
20 questions again?

Okay. All right, I got one.

Ask the first question.

All right.

Why did you do this to me?

Because one night we got
tired of playin' 20 questions.

♪ Oklahoma, where the wind
comes sweepin' down the plain ♪

Oklahoma, Oklahoma,
Okla... Nothin'.

Knock, knock.

Who's there? Armageddon.

Armageddon who?

Armageddon tired
waiting for the baby.

(FEIGNS LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Yeah, it's almost
here, the big moment.

That's 20.

Hey, I got something
we can do. What?

We can time this contraction.

Okay, all right.

Hello. MIKE: Oh,
hi, Dr. Shapiro.

How you doing? I'm fine.

That's nice, but I meant Gloria.

How are the contractions, coach?

Well, they're comin' about four
minutes apart. That's 15 seconds, honey.

Don't you think we should
take her into the delivery room?

Well, I respect your diagnosis, Doctor,
but would you mind a second opinion?

Doctor. MIKE: Thirty seconds.

I've prepared delivery
room A. Oh, we're using B.

I thought we were
using A. No, B, please.

I wish we could make
up our minds around here.

Well, I have. B.

Forty-five seconds. She's
so grouchy. Is she mad at us?

No, Bernice isn't mad at you.
She's mad at her sister, Dorothy.

Here you go. Good girl.

I could tell you stories about those
two nurses that would curl your hair.

But I wanna talk about
you. How about it?

Are you ready for
the big moment?

That's 21. That's 21.

Mmm. Mmm.

Can't you eat without chewing?

I'm sorry, Archie. Mmm.

I don't know why I'm so
hungry. This is terrible.

If it's so terrible, why
the hell are you eatin' it?

Oh, the chicken ain't terrible.

It's good, I'm enjoyin' it.

That's what's terrible.

When I'm worried, I ain't
hungry. I can't eat nothin'.

But now, here I am stuffin' myself
and that means I ain't worried

and I should be worried, 'cause
my daughter's havin' a baby.

Why can't I stop
eatin' this chicken?

You must be in
love with the Colonel.

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I wonder what that Meathead
is doin' in there all this time.

He's helpin' Gloria.

What do you mean, helpin' her?

He couldn't even get his
wife out of a phone booth.

How's he gonna get
a baby out of his wife?

He's just in there,
fumblin' around.

Archie, Mike is helpin'
Gloria feel better.

I wish you'd been with me in
the room when I had Gloria.

I was with you when it counted.

Archie.

I meant when you
brung the baby home.

Oh!

Get your mind out of
Cosmopolitan magazine, will you?

(SIGHING) Oh, please don't sigh.

I'm worried about
not bein' worried.

(MIMICKING EDITH) When Sybil
Gooley's daughter had her baby,

Sybil was worried to death.

And all I can feel is happy.

Don't you feel nothin'?

Yeah, I feel as though my
cheeks has gone to sleep here.

You know, this is the worst place in
the body for the blood circulation there.

You gotta move it around, see?

What the hell
are you lookin' at?

I ain't worried, 'cause I'm
full of joy and happiness.

Yeah, you're full
of chicken, too.

Just think, Archie, we're gonna
be grandparents. Aw, jeez.

Hello, Grandpa Archie! Come
on, come on, Edith, come on.

Will you get your chickeny
fingers off the rented suit?

Get over there and sit
down. Sit down, will you?

Can't you calm yourself, huh?
Can't you just try to relax there?

Can't think of nothing
better to do, chew on a bone.

I ain't hungry.

Ain't that wonderful?
I lost my appetite.

And now, I'm gonna
begin to worry.

Pretty soon, I'll feel
like a real grandma.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Edith, you're a
pip, you know that?

You're a real pip.

But I gotta tell you somethin'.

Just between you and me, see?

I think that you're gonna make

one hell of a grandma.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, stop. Oh, jeez.

Oh, why do I bother
sayin' nice things?

Don't start. The guy over
there'll think I'm hittin' you here.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, push.

Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight...

Okay. Okay, all
right, all right, honey.

Okay, all right, all right.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

Oh, that felt good.
You're doing great, honey.

You're doing great.
Won't be long now.

Hey, Seymour, remember
in the labor room,

when you started to tell us those
juicy stories about the two nurses?

I sure would like
to hear one now.

Honey, do you think we need
stories now? I wanna hear stories.

Bernice was engaged
to a young med student,

when Dorothy introduced him to
the daughter of a shipping magnate

who was in the hospital
with a nervous breakdown.

I don't believe this.

My wife is havin' a baby and
I'm listening to a soap opera.

Who cares about
Dorothy and Bernice?

Oh, hello, Bernice.
How's Dorothy?

She's terrible.

The whole world should
know what my sister is.

Do you want to know
what she did to me?

Sure, that's why we're all here.

I wanna know. I
gotta push again.

All right, all right,
inhale, exhale.

Inhale, swallow,
push. Here it is.

Two, three, four. Here it is.

The head is coming.
The head is coming.

Now take it nice and
easy. Six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,
eight. Attagirl.

Okay, okay. Attagirl.

One, two. Now keep pushing.

Like stepping on the
accelerator of a car.

I don't drive.

Keep pushing. Did you hear
that? Did you hear what she said?

She said she doesn't drive.

She's sittin' here panting and
pushing, and she's making jokes.

Isn't she terrific?

She's terrific! You're terrific,
honey. You're just terrific!

Isn't she terrific?
She's terrific.

Keep calm, Mr. Stivic.
We haven't lost a father yet.

You hear what she said, honey? We haven't
lost a father yet. Isn't she terrific?

Everybody's terrific.

Gloria, you're doing fine, fine.

Now stop pushing
and look at the mirror.

Just blow, honey, just
blow, don't push. Blow.

Now the head is
coming. Here's the head.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I can't tell from just the ears.

Gloria, Gloria, just
one more little push.

One little push,
honey. One little push.

SHAPIRO: You have
a son. We have a son!

A healthy son. We have a son!

We have a son.

We have a son.

With a complete inventory.

Look at him. He's
getting pinker and pinker.

MIKE: We've got a terrific boy.

GLORIA: He's beautiful.

So are you.

So are you. I love you, honey.

I love you.

Wasn't too bad, was it?

Oh, no, Michael. Not
with you here to help.

How you feel about a second one?

Not now, Michael,
I have a headache.

(SNORING)

Hey, Arch. Hi, Edith.
Has it happened yet?

Oh, no, Barney.

My ex-lodge brother. What
are you doin' around here?

Us guys at the lodge talked it over
and you was right to go to your daughter.

Oh, jeez. So we ain't gonna kick
you out for missing the minstrel show.

Oh, ain't that nice.

Edith, this is for Gloria.

Oh, look, Archie. Oh,
thank you, Barney.

Oh, yeah, well, it
ain't only from me.

All the guys in the show
chipped in a buck apiece.

Look at that. I told you, didn't I?
The most wonderful guys in the world.

Yeah. Hey, you owe us your buck.

All right, all right, Barney,
sure. Give him a buck, will you?

Oh, sure. Thanks a lot,
Barney. It was swell of you.

Arch, our pleasure.
Here you are.

Thanks, Edith.

Well, I'm gonna be runnin' along now. Good
luck, folks, and the best of everything.

Thank you very much,
Barney. Thank you, Barney.

Let me ask you somethin'. How come
you always got money, and I got nothin'?

Look at the time.

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker, it's a boy.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

A boy, jeez, a boy!

Oh, jeez, I never thought
the Meathead had it in him.

Oh, thank you very much, Doctor.

You're welcome, Arch.

Ma, we did it!

We got a boy!

Hey, look what I just run
out and bought for youse.

Thanks, Arch. How's Gloria?

She's terrific, Ma. Oh, Mike!

What?

Huh?

Oh, what the hell.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.