All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 14 - Birth of the Baby: Part 1 - full transcript

Archie is a nervous wreck because he wants to back out of the annual minstrel show at the lodge, which he has successfully avoided for several years. Lodge brothers Barney Hefner and Ed Bradley blackmail him by asserting that if Archie doesn't go on with the show, he will be kicked out of the lodge and lose all the benefits therein. Meanwhile, Mike and Gloria try to have a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant to take their minds off the fact that she is a week overdue. When Gloria admits that she is having contractions, which she didn't want to admit because she didn't want to spoil the evening, Mike panics and tries to get her to the hospital. Trying to call the lodge to tell her mother and father that she is in labor, she becomes stuck in the phone booth. Meanwhile, Archie and Edith get the message and have to leave the lodge to get to the hospital. Barney and Ed think that it is just one more excuse to get out of going onstage, and they take the cold cream, forcing Archie to have to show up at the hospital in black face.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪



I can't do it. I
hate it, I hate it.

Edith, call up the lodge,

tell 'em I ain't gonna
play in that show tonight.

Oh, Archie, here
you are. Calm down.

I made you a nice cup of tea.

Get the tea away from
me, it gives me gas.

Edith, if I have to
do that show tonight,

it's gonna be the first time
in my life I vomit in public.

Archie... It's true, Edith.
It's true. Now, listen.

Barney Hefner and Ed
Bradley are comin' over

here in a few minutes
to pick me up now.

We gotta tell 'em, see, that
I'm having my tonsils out.

You told 'em that two years ago

when they wanted you to go door-to-door
sellin' lemon pies for law and order.

I was so ashamed
of them runny pies.

Think of something, will you?
What about a hangnail, maybe?

Listen, did we ever use up
my gallbladder on anything?

Archie, I can't lie
about your gallbladder.

What the hell is so
sacred about a gallbladder?

Edith, the trouble with you
is you can't lie about nothin'.

Oh, Archie, lyin' ain't never
no good for fixin' things.

Lyin' is a terrific
way of fixin' things.

The top men in the country
fix things like that everyday.

Now, listen, Edith,

you don't wanna do that, but
you gotta remember one thing.

When you married me, you
promised to love, honor, and obey me.

You're the one that
wanted the word obey in.

I wanted to cherish you.

Edith, well, go ahead
and start cherishin' me.

Sock in a good lie, will you?

Archie. Oh.


There they are. Now remember,
cherish me, Edith, huh?

Oh, please don't...
Shut up and cherish me!

Cherish, cherish me! Cherish...

Evening, Mrs. Bunker.
It's me, Ed Bradley.

Oh, yeah. Oh,
come in, Mr. Bradley.


Oh, sit down. Thanks.

I'm sorry. I didn't
recognize you.

You're the president
of the lodge.

Not the president.

They call me the Grand Potentate

of the Royal Brotherhood
of the Kings of Queens.


But you still kill cockroaches
for a living, don't you?



Our secret knock.
That's Barney. Oh!

Well, shut my mouth! If it
ain't Miss Scarlett O'Bunker.


Barney Hefner, is
that you under there?

It ain't the Reverend Ike.

Let's get this minstrel
show on the road.

Where's my partner Rastus?

Rastus? Yeah. Rastus Bunker.

Oh, Archie!

Yeah. Uh-huh...

He don't feel too good.

ARCHIE: Edith, is that
the doctor down there?

No, it's Mr. Bradley and Barney.

Oh, gee! What a surprise.
I never expected them.

Uh, did you tell
'em how sick I am?

He really don't feel too good.

What's he claim
he got this time?

I don't know.

But it's somethin'
that's goin' around.

Hey, Edith, I'm
in trouble up here.

Ain't you got
nothin' to bind me?

I knew he'd pull this.

He's been tryin' to weasel
out for three days now.

Right. Hey, Edith, you
better go up and talk to him.

'Cause we ain't got anybody
else fat enough to fit his costume.

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith. I'm in
trouble here, I need another roll.

It's in the cabinet.


In the cabinet.

On your right if
you're sittin' down.

And on your left if
you're standin' up.

Thank you, dear.


The little man from Ty-D-Bol
wouldn't last long around here.

Look, Arch, I'm telling you right
now, if you don't show up tonight,

at our next meetin', I'm
gonna bring up a motion

to have you kicked
out of the lodge.

ARCHIE: Hey, there,
hold it there, Barn.

Hey, hey, don't do that,
Barney. Wait a minute.

Before you do anything
rash and lousy, Barney...

Get away from there, will you?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Am I gonna have to look like this?

It's your traditional blackface.

Did youse put that
on at home? Yeah.

Why? We like it.

Listen, I ain't gonna do
that minstrel show. What?

I'm too sick. I'm too sick.

Think of the lodge, think
of the audience there.

I'm full of germs. I'll be spraying
germs all over your nears and dears.

I shouldn't even be standin'
next to youse right now.

Edith, call the doctor,
huh? I'm coming right down.

Knock it off.

You were trying to get
out of the show all week.

All you got is a
little stage fright, pal.

Listen, listen... You
can't back out now.

The show goes on in two hours.

Yeah, we got
nobody to replace you.

Fellas, if I get
up on that stage,

I'm gonna turn green and die.

I'm gonna level with you.
You let the lodge down,

we're gonna vote you
out. BARNEY: Right.

Now, wait a minute. Vote me
out? A charter member there.

I'm one of the best members, never
missed a meetin', never missed his dues,

never broke a rule, never showed the
secret, sacred handshake to nobody.

Except me.

What's that?

It was all right, it was in bed.

Shut up!

Under the cover.


And the lights was out.


You showed her the
secret handshake?

To your wife?

You showed it to a
topless waitress in Mineola.

She showed me, I showed her.

Don't listen, Edith.

Listen, Arch, you get
kicked out of the lodge,

you're gonna lose all your
benefits... Wait a minute...

Right, like your life insurance
policy with a cash value of $90.

And your burial plot
with perpetual care.

Where you get
weeded twice a year.

You'll lose that, Arch,

Edith won't be able to
find you for the crabgrass.

It's up to you, Arch,
it's up to you, pal.

Either you do the show
or... you're out of the lodge.

You see this, Edith? And
you wouldn't lie for me.

Can't you get somebody
to replace him?

He's really scared. Yeah.

You ain't no
friends of Archie's...

No, no, no! Now wait
a minute! Edith, Edith...

I ain't gonna stand here and
listen to that about my friends here.

These are two of the most
wonderful guys in the world.

They're my lodge brothers here.

Edith, get over
here. Get over here.

Watch what you say, will
you? What do you wanna do?

Get me kicked out of the
lodge? It means everything.

The lodge is with you all
through your life right to the end.

Hey, you remember when
Porky Minkleheimer died?

Way up there in the Bronx.
Remember the towin' out from the lodge?

Two hundred guys went way up to the
cemetery to see him planted up there.

And nobody even liked him.

But then you're gonna
have to do the show.

No, I don't wanna do the show.

What do you say,
Arch? It's gettin' late,

and you ain't even got
your costume or make-up on.

Wait, wait a minute, guys. Now
let me give you the truth, huh?

Lodge brothers, I
can tell you the truth.

I'm a-scared to go up in front of
that audience for fear they boo me.

Ah... I don't think I'm
gonna get no laughs.

What are you talkin' about?

Last rehearsal, you had us
all rolling in the aisles, laughin'.

Yeah. Youse were all drunk.

You would have
laughed at a burnin' hotel.

Will you stop worryin', Arch?
You're gonna get laughs.

The jokes are dynamite.
Have you tried 'em out on Edith?

No, no, I'm ashamed.

Ed, you get over to
the piano. All right.

Edith, you sit there with him.

Now, I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do part
of the routine, see?

If Edith laughs, then you
do the show. Oh, come on!

It's that fair. I don't
want to do that.

Yeah, go on. (WHISPERING)
Edith. Don't laugh.

All right. Now let's get
this show on the road.

you get a four bar intro.

The curtain goes up
and, boys, you're on.


♪ By the light ♪
Of the silvery moon

♪ I want to spoon

♪ To my honey I'll
croon ♪ Love's tune

Hey, Mr. Bones? Yeah, Rastus?

What do I get when I
cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know, Rastus.

What do you get when you
cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know either,
but when it talks, I listen.


She laughed!

That wasn't a laugh, she's
chokin' on somethin' there.

All right, come on.
Let's keep goin'.

Oh, God.

♪ Honey moon ♪
Keep a-shinin' in June


♪ Your silvery beams
will bring love's dreams

♪ We'll be cuddlin' soon ♪

Hey, there, Rastus. Yeah.

Whatever happened to that brother of
yours who swallowed all them firecrackers?

We don't know. We're still
waitin' to hear the last report.

Hey, hey. Zilch, see, zilch.


Come on, now, Edith. Be fair. If
you're gonna laugh, laugh. Let it out.

That wasn't a laugh, it
was just a big sneeze.

Here, wipe your dress off.

Let's keep going. All right.

Mr. Bones. Yeah, yeah, Rastus?

I'm goin' up to Alaska
next weekend to play polo.

Who are you gonna
play polo with in Alaska?

With the polo bears.

Oh, I wasn't laughin' at Archie.

I was laughin' at Mike.

You know, Edith, you are
ding-battin' a thousand tonight.

Don't laugh at
nothin' or nobody.

Go in the kitchen and make
coffee or somethin' like that, huh?

Right away.

Ma, here's your
casserole. Oh, thanks, Mike.

I don't believe you guys.

You're actually gonna put on a
minstrel show in this day and age?

You ought to get great
reviews from the Ku Klux Klan.

This is the worst
kind of bigotry.

ED: What are you talkin' about?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute. Hold it.

The boy is right. What?

Yes, he is. He is
absolutely right.

Now this is a bad thing we're
doin'. That ain't nice, there,

dressin' up like that and
making fun of the colored people.

No, Archie Bunker
ain't gonna do that.

He ain't gonna get up on a
stage and make fun of people

that he liked and
admired all his life.

Are you on something?

Shut up, you!

We ain't tryin' to
make fun of anybody.

We just wanna dress
up like coloreds. Yeah.

This is ridiculous! Yes.

You guys are a
pack of racists. Yeah.

That's what you are, Barney.

That's what you look
like, a racist over there.

Arch, how can you
be in a lodge like this?

He's practically out of it now.

Hold it, hold it, hold
it. Now wait a minute.

Now you were talking good there
for a minute, but you went too far.

Now these are my lodge
brothers who I love here.

And there ain't nothin'
wrong with minstrel shows.

No. Hey, that's right.
There ain't. You know that.

It goes ways back, the
minstrel show into US history.

That comes back to your
carefree days of slavery.


Yeah, don't look like that. That's
part of your whole American heresy.

Arch, doesn't it bother you that black
people are offended at a show like this?

They ain't gonna see this
show. They ain't allowed in.

I just figured out why our
baby is two weeks late.

Huh? He's in no hurry
to meet his grandfather.

Get away from me! And don't
borrow no casseroles no more!

Congratulations, Arch. The
way you stuck up for the lodge.

Hey, listen, you know.


May I say right
now, Brother Bunker,

that if I croak before you do,

I would be honored to have
you as one of my pallbearers.

Oh, hey, Barney,
it'd be a pleasure.

And you're gonna
do the show, right?


Hey, wait, Barney, Ed...
The show starts at 8:00, Arch.

I can't, I can't do
it. Don't make me.

Here you are. Here's the... Oh!

They've gone.
Please, Edith. Oh, my...

Archie, where are you goin'?

I am goin' upstairs.
What's the matter?

The next flush you
hear is the real thingy.

Yeah, and before the antipasto,

we'd like two glasses
of your best house wine.

Of course. When do
you expect the baby?

Oh, it's two weeks late.


I have to hurry!

Hey, honey? Yeah.

Do you know how much I love you?

How much?

As much as there are
leaves on the trees.

The trees are bare, Michael.
It's the dead of winter.

Make it snowflakes.

Hey, honey. Mmm?

You remember the first
time we ever went out?

Oh, yeah. Wasn't
that a lovely night?

Remember what the
band was playing?

Sure. Who could forget?

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

Yeah, it was a great ballgame.

Yeah. You tried to
score before the Mets did.


this may be the last time we're
together as just a twosome.

I've been a twosome
for nine months.

Honey, I'm serious, you know, our
lives are gonna be completely different.


Our very best Chianti.
Compliments of the house.

Oh, thank you very
much. Thank you.


A toast. Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Very interesting.
Impertinent and yet Baroque.

Somehow bold and yet saucy.

Gloria. Aggressive
and yet naive.

Gloria, you're bein' silly.

Silly and yet sensible.

I wanna make a toast.

Pumpernickel and
yet whole wheat.

I'm tryin' to tell
you I love you!

I... My wife. I love her.


To you.

The most beautiful
girl in the world.

The girl that changed my life.

And to the man who changed mine.

And to the baby who's
gonna change both of our lives.

And to the years we're gonna spend

changing the baby.


You like the wine, huh?

Not "ooh" for the wine.
"Ooh" for the baby.

Why, you mean he kicked you?

Not exactly.

What, exactly?

Oh, I didn't wanna spoil
our evenin' together.

But I guess I better tell you.

I just had another contraction.

another contraction?

That means that you had one be...
When did you have the first one?

Oh, about 20 minutes ago.

Twenty minutes. Let me see.
Twenty minutes would mean that

the contractions are coming...

About 20 minutes apart. Right.

Okay, all right. We just...
We're calm! We're calm.

We're... I'm gonna call the
doctor to alert the hospital,

get a cab.

Waiter, check,
please! Waiter, check!

Mike, wait a minute.

With the first baby,
we've got plenty of time.

Honey, I really... I would
feel a lot better if we left now.

I mean, you never
know what could happen.

The cab could break
down on the highway.

It could run out of
gas. Here we are.

Antipasto speciale. Ooh.

No, we can't, we
can't. Cancel the dinner.

My wife just went into labor.
We've got to get to the hospital.


Come on, honey, let's get
up. Come on. Help me up.

All right, well, put down
the cheese, will you?

Here we go. Okay,
one, two, three.

Upsy-daisy. There we go.

Let me leave a little
bit somethin' for him.

Okay, now, you call the doctor
and I'll call the hospital, all right?

No, no, no, honey.
I'll call Dr. Shapiro

and he'll alert the hospital.

I want you to call Ma and
Daddy. I want 'em to be there.

Okay, I'll call Ma and Dad.

Wait, I don't have any
change. I don't either.

Wait! I need this
money here. Just some...

Take a few cents
there. Let me have those.

Grazie. Prego.

Yeah, she sure is.

Here you go, honey.
Here's a couple of dimes.

I call Dr. Shapiro.

No, no, no, honey.
I'm calling Dr. Shapiro.

You're calling Ma and
Daddy. Ma and Dad. Right.

Wait, I don't know the number.
I don't know the number.

Wait, I know the number! No, honey,
they're not home, they're at the lodge.

I don't know the
number. Well, look it up.

Look, it up! Look it up. When
you don't know a number,

you look it up in the phone
book. Anybody knows that.

You just look it right up in the
phone book where you'll find it.

Kings of Queens.

Kings of Queens Lodge...
Will you please calm down?

You're getting so upset,
you're gonna get me upset.

Don't be upset. I'm
fine. I'm fine. You're fine.

Dr. Shapiro's fine.
Ma and Dad are fine.

The baby's fine. Everybody's
fine. Everybody's happy.

Here we go... Here we go!


555... What're you...
What're you standin' there?

What're you standin' there? Get
in the phone booth and make a call.

555-4378. What is it? 555-4378.

555-43... Damn door!

555-4378... 5-5-5-5 4-3-7-8.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is this the, uh, Kings
of Queens Lodge?

Uh, yeah... I'm... I...

I wanna talk to a
Mr. Archie Bunker.

He's in the minstrel show.

He's one of the guys
wearing blackface.

Don't tell me they all
look alike. Just find him!

Wait a sec... Wait a second.

No, give... give a message
to a Mrs. Edith Bunker.

No, no, she's in white face.

It's her own face that she's in.

She's sitting in the audience.

Just tell her that Gloria
is gonna have her baby

and we're on our
way to the hospital.

Meet us there, okay?

Good, thank you
very much. Goodbye.


Michael. Yeah, honey?

What's the matter?
You all right? Yeah.

Just promise me you won't panic.

Honey, I never panic.
What's the matter?

Get your ear a little
closer to the glass.

Yeah. Can you hear me okay?

Sure, honey. What is it?

The door won't open,
I'm stuck in here.

Honey, you're not stuck.

These doors, they're a little
bit sticky, they can be opened.

There is no problem.
Believe me. Okay.

Just, just trust me.

She's stuck! She's stuck! My whole
family is stuck in a phone booth!

Ah, she... she...
Waiter! Waiter, help me!

This joint is packed
to the rafters.

There must be 400
people out there.

Where's Archie? Ain't
he showed up yet?

Yeah, he's back in the
toilet puttin' on his make-up.


Ah, what're you lookin' at?

That's your color,
Arch. Oh, listen.

This here is every nightmare
I ever had come true.

Yeah, but you didn't let us
down and that's what counts.

I know, but look at me. I'm as
nervous as a hooker in a cathedral.

And under all this black, my
face is as white as your coat there.

Archie. Oh, Archie...

Archie, Mike just called
from the restaurant.

Gloria's having the baby.

Edith, Edith, that's
Archie over there.

Oh, oh! Excuse me.

Archie! Mike just called
from the restaurant.

Gloria's having... I heard all that
while you was kissin' Barney over there.

Get yourself together.

What do you mean she's
havin' a baby in the restaurant?

No, no. Mike called
from the restaurant.

And they're goin'
down to the hospital.

We've got to get down to the
hospital... Oh, she's having a ba...

Oh well, that's it, fellows.

I've got to go to
the hospital. Arch!

Arch, we got a show to do. Oh,
no, you guys got a show to do.

I've got to be a grandfather.

Now, I went into this with the
best will in the world, as you know,

but I got to get to
that hospital, guys.

Now, look, Arch,
first things first.

You can have a lot of
grandchildren, but this is a big show.

Really big show! Oh,
no argument, fellows.

Just give me the cold cream
to get the junk off the face here.

Listen, you're not using mine, ex-lodge
brother. You ain't using mine either.

And you're out of the lodge!

Oh, well, the hell with youse
guys and the lodge, too.

Who wants to be a
member of a lodge

with only one toilet with
a seat that pinches you?

Find the cold cream. Stop
yellin'. I mean, what the...

Oh, look at...
What is this here?

What is this here? Open
up this roll of paper, huh?

It ain't a roll of paper...
Oh, a rubber chicken!

I got it, I got it. Hold
that mirror for me.

Yeah, well, hurry up, Archie.
While I put the cold cream and get it...

Get out of the way!
Get out of the way.

Come on, will you?
Hurry up, please!

It took you 20 minutes to get
here. Can't you get the thing open?

Gloria! Are you
all right? I'm okay.

Can you breathe in there?

Yeah, I'm breathin'.
Okay, come on...


Hello. Yes, Doctor,
I'm still in here.

Oh, contractions are
about 10 minutes apart now.

It's the doctor, honey.

No, I don't think the phone
booth will fit in an ambulance.

Come on. Can't you hurry
up? What are you lookin' at?

Haven't you ever seen a
person in a phone booth before?


the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.