All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 16 - New Year's Wedding - full transcript

In the wake of the birth of little Joey, Gloria and Michael are at odds with one another over communication issues. Gloria is upset because Michael keeps making big and little decisions without consulting her despite the fact that their marriage is suppose to be an equal partnership. The crux of their argument is over plans for their friends who are getting married before the year ends. Problems with the arrangements cause them to lose their original location and so it is suggested that they have it in the Stivic's living room. Mike comes to understand why Gloria is upset when she re-writes the speech he was suppose to make as best man.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪


Aw, Joey.

I'm sorry. Dinner's over.

Cafeteria's closed.

Shh, honey.

How about if I sang
you a song, huh?

Would you like your
mommy to sing to you?

Let me see, uh...

How about if I sing you a
song I learned in kindergarten?

Okay, sweetheart? Uh...

♪ Alice, where are you going?

Upstairs to take a bath

♪ Alice, with
legs like toothpicks

♪ And a neck like a giraffe

♪ Raff, raff, raff, raff

♪ Alice stepped in the bathtub

♪ Pulled out the plug and then


♪ Oh, my goodness! Oh, my soul!

♪ There goes
Alice down the hole!

♪ Alice, where are you going?

♪ Glub, glub, glub ♪


Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey, did Al and
Trudy get in yet?

Yeah, they're gonna
be here very soon.

They called from the
airport about an hour ago.

I know those two are kooks,

but it beats me why they're
gettin' married on New Year's Eve.

Why not? If their
wedding night is dull

at least you got the Rose
Bowl Game to look forward to.

What kind of percolator
did you get 'em?

I didn't get 'em a percolator.

I got 'em a hibachi.

A hibachi?

Yeah, you know, it's one
of those Japanese gadgets

for burnin' dinners indoors.

I thought we decided
to get 'em a percolator.

Honey, they'll probably
get five percolators.

Who's gonna buy 'em a hibachi?

No one, 'cause it's a dumb gift.

Michael, Al and Trudy
are our best friends,

and when we decide what we're
getting 'em for a wedding present,

then you got no right to
change my mind for me.

I mean, I thought our
marriage was a partnership.

It is.

Honey, if you would
have been there

you would have said
to get the hibachi.

How do you know I
would have said that?

Because I know you, honey!

A husband knows a wife
after six years of marriage.

He knows what she
thinks and what she feels.

I could hear you sayin',

"Honey, let's not
get 'em a percolator.

"Let's get 'em that adorable
little orange hibachi."

You sounded very
excited when you said it.

If you know what I
think and what I feel,

then you should
know I like to be asked.

All right, all right.

I'll take the hibachi back
and get 'em a percolator.

Don't bother.

Knowing you, you'd come
back with a Roto-Rooter.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Our marriage is a partnership,

and we do do things together.

(JOEY CRYING) It's always
been half and half with us.

Oh, you'd better
see what's wrong.

Maybe he's hungry or wet.

I fed my half. You diaper yours.

All right.

Hey, Joey.

How you doin'? You all right?

What's the matter, you wet?


You got such a
limited vocabulary.

Hey, Gloria, he's dry.


You know, I really
feel sorry for babies.

When they cry, you never
know what's botherin' them.

It would be great
if a baby could say,

"Attention, please.

"I need a bit of nourishment."

Or, "Excuse me, I seem to
have done it in my didee again."

You're crazy.

Hey, honey,

I'm sorry about the hibachi.

You should be.

From now on, any
decision I make,

I consult you first.

I'm through givin'
orders in this house.


Get the door.

It could be Al and
Trudy! I gotta hide the gift!

Well, hurry. Put it in there.

Yeah, all right.
Hurry up, Michael.

You got it? Yeah, open the door.

All right.

Gloria! Trudy!

Hiya, Trudy, how long's it been?

Where is he?
Where's the nut-boy!

Oh, you're a nut-boy!
You're a nut-boy!

You're a nut-boy!

I love him! I love this man!

I love him!

Remember Camp Nehoc?

Who could forget?

BOTH: Nehoc, Nehoc, we love you.

To bunk 10 we will be true.

Campfires, cookouts, color war.

Arts and crafts and
much, much more.

To the golden violet, we
love you Nehoc, oh, you bet.


Camp Nehoc, is
that an Indian name?

No, the camp was
owned by a Jewish guy.

Nehoc is Cohen
spelled backwards.

We had some great
times there, didn't we?

Great times!

Hey, remember the time
we got lost in the woods?

We were really
roughing it. Oh, yeah.

24 hours, we didn't have
any food, we had no water...

No toilet paper.

Right, with those leaves,
it was really roughing it.

I hate to tell you
where we got poison ivy.

You told us. Camp Nehoc.

Oh, the baby.

I'm dying to see him.
There he is, there he is.

Mike, you know, I just
can't picture you with a baby.

You know? I didn't
think you had it in you.

I didn't. She did.

Oh, isn't he a little doll?

I just can't wait till
we have our own.

Well, you're gettin'
married tonight,

so with any luck at all, you
only have to wait nine months.


We ran out of luck.

Her? You? Two? Oh,
Trudy, I think it's wonderful!

You crazy nut-boy!
Tell me again!

You're a nut-boy!
That's terrific!

Isn't it?

Oh, sure, sure. We
couldn't be happier about it.

We planned on having the baby.

In 1979.

But what the heck. He'll be
a little older, a little sooner.

And we'll be a little
wiser a little later.

Oh, I think it's great.

Come on in the kitchen, Trudy,
I made a fresh pot of coffee.

This place is beautiful.


Oh, Gloria, do you ever
see Rosalind Mossman?

Rosalind Mossman?

I haven't thought
of her in ages!

Remember how we
all used to envy her?


She was the first girl in our
class to wear a brassiere.

She went straight
from slip to D-cup.

Never needed a training bra.

Training bra?

From what I heard, she could
have used a whip and a chair.

Down, boy! Down!

You're a nut-boy!
You're a nut-boy!

Remember what happened
to her in gym class?

She stood on her head and
almost smothered to death.

Trudy, I can't tell you how
happy I am to see you two.

You're my favorite
people in the whole world.

If it weren't for you and Mike I
never would have met Trudy.

And you know, the funny thing is

we were never tryin'
to play matchmaker.

When we introduced you two guys,

we never figured
you'd hit it off.

It was love at first sight.

But Gloria was married to you,

I had to settle for Trudy.

MICHAEL: You're a nut-boy!

Tell me again. You're a nut-boy.

I love this guy. I love
him. I love this guy.

Hey, Mike, before I forget,

I want you to read some
inspirational words at the ceremony.

I got a perfect quotation
already picked out.

Right, honey?
Yeah, it's beautiful.

Great advice on how to
make a marriage work.

Oh, it sounds
terrific. Who wrote it?

Henry VIII.

It tells you how to cut 'em off
right before the property settlement.

Ooh, you're a nut-boy!

Tell me again. You're a nut-boy.

I love him. I love this guy.

Oh, Al, look at the time.

Shouldn't we be getting
ready for the wedding?

Hey, you're right. Let's go.

Well, take your coffee with you.

Okay. Hey, listen, what time
will you be able to get there?

Well, the hotel's
only four blocks away.

We'll walk. We'll
be there 8:30 sharp.

AL: Okay, great. All
right. Where do we go?

AL: Where's the bedroom?

When you're in love,

any room is the bedroom.

Nut-boy. Nut-boy.

That's great. I love that guy.

Isn't that terrific, honey?

Our best friends
gettin' married.

And you know, they're perfect for
each other, just like the two of us.

What's the matter?

Michael, we can't be
at the wedding at 8:30,

'cause I told the babysitter
to be here at 9:00.

I called the babysitter and I
told her to get here at 8:00.

It'll give us more
time at the party.

I can't be ready by 8:00.

And why did you go and change
all the plans without consulting me?

I told you, I thought you'd
like to get there early.

Do me a favor, don't do
my thinking for me, huh?

I want you to respect my brain.

Stop treating me
like a dumb blonde.

I don't treat you
like a dumb blonde.

And, hey, I do, I have the
highest respect for your brain.


You always told
me you married me

because you liked the way my back
pockets jiggled when I walked away.

Honey, I was kidding.

No, you weren't.

It wasn't my brain you
married me for, it was my jiggle.

Uh, honey, that's not true.

That's not true,
that's not true.

There were other things besides
the way you jiggled in the back.

What, the way I
jiggled in the front?

You do look good
comin' or goin'.

Respect. I want
respect, Michael Stivic.

Respect? You want respect?

You've got it. I respect you.

I mean, I want you
to respect my brain.

I do respect your brain.

I love your brain.

It's gorgeous.

It should be in a sweater.

This is a very serious
subject for me, Michael Stivic.

Now, I wanna be in on all the
decisions that take place in this marriage.

All right, you'll be a
part of all the decisions.

I won't make any decisions
without consulting you.

Get dressed for the wedding.

Uh... Uh, that is, I mean,

if you agree that you should
get dressed for the wedding.

If you don't agree that you should
get dressed, then we'll discuss it.

That is, if you agree
that we should discuss it.

Uh, if you don't agree that
you should get dressed,

we'll consult your brain first.

I wanna bow to its judgment.

The decision is yours.

There's the
doorbell. Wait a mo...

Who should get the door?

That's a big decision. Do
you wanna get the door,

or should I get the door?

I wanna consult your brain

on every decision.

Answer the door, Michael.

Good decision. I like it.

I like it very much.

Mrs. Henshaw, you're
early, but come on in.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, you look pretty.

Yeah, you always get this dressed
up to baby-sit on New Year's Eve?

Mike, I'm afraid
I can't sit tonight.

Oh, but we were counting on you.

Oh, well, I'm very sorry,

but you see, my son
Larry is very depressed

because it's New Year's Eve
and he's got no place to go,

so I'm gonna take him out
and show him a good time.

But Ma and Daddy have already
gone out to a New Year's Eve party,

and, well, we don't
have anybody else to call.

Well, I'm sorry, but
Larry has to come first.

Oh, you'll understand one day.

Now that you've got a
little boy of your own.

Mrs. Henshaw, your
little boy is 35 years old.


I have an idea. Why don't
you bring Larry over here?

Oh, that wouldn't
be any fun for him.

No, I'm gonna take
him to a church dance,

and maybe I can pick
out a nice girl for him.

Well, you all will
have to excuse me

because I've got a
cab waiting outside.

I'm really awful sorry,
but happy New Year!

Yeah, happy New
Year, Mrs. Henshaw.

Happy New Year.

Oh, Michael!

What are we gonna
do now? I don't know.

Honey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go to the wedding?

I'll stay home and baby-sit.

Oh, no.

No, that wouldn't be right.

You're Al's best man.

You're Trudy's matron of honor.


Oh, no, no, no.

Al would be so
disappointed if you didn't go.

You're right. I'll get dressed.

Wait a minute.

Are you actually going?

Well, you just told me to go.

But you should know
I didn't really mean it.

Then why'd you say it?

I was just trying to be nice.

All right, we'll both stay home.


Oh, Joey, don't cry.

I'd better take him upstairs
and see if he can go to sleep.

AL: Well, here comes
the bride and groom.

In just a few hours,
Trudy and I become three.

How do we look?

You look beautiful.

Michael, you'd better
tell 'em the bad news.

Yeah. What bad news?

Guys, sit down for a second.

The babysitter conked out on us.

We can't go to the wedding.

Oh, no!

Mike, you've got to be there.

That's one of the
reasons we flew into town.

Hey, maybe you could
bring Joey to the wedding.

He's only two weeks old.

Besides, he doesn't
know anybody there.

What's a wedding
without a best man?

Or a matron of honor?

Hey, wait a second,
wait a second.

How many people
in the wedding party?

Well, just the family. With you
and Gloria, eight all together.

Why, what are you thinking?

Why don't we have
the wedding right here?

Here? MIKE: Yeah!

There's no reason
we couldn't, right?

Is it okay with you, Trudy?

Fine! Mike, will it be
all right with Gloria?

Don't worry about
Gloria, it's fine with her.

We'll just go to the hotel, get everybody,
everything, we'll be back in an hour.

Great! Terrific!

This is such a great idea.
You're crazy. You're a nut-boy.

You know what? What?

You're a nut-boy. Tell me again.

Oh, you're a nut-boy!

I love him! I love this man!

Save some of that for the bride.

Okay, let's go. So long.

Hey, Gloria, come on down.

Oh, go to Northern Boulevard,
turn right, it's four blocks.

AL: You're a nut-boy.
Tell me again.

You're a nut-boy. I love him!

I love that guy.

Honey. GLORIA: What?

Wait till you hear.
Great news. Great news.

What? Oh, you
found a baby-sitter.

No, I found a wedding.

We're gonna have
the wedding right here.

Here? MICHAEL: Yeah!

In our house? That's right.

When? Right away.

Al and Trudy are going to
get everybody and all the stuff,

they're bringing 'em right
here in a few minutes.

Isn't that a great idea?

Who's great idea was that?


Michael, what have
you done to me?

I have a whole sink full
of dirty dishes in here.

And I can't get dressed
and take care of Joey

and run a wedding
at the same time!


For once and for all, will you
stop making decisions for me?

That's enough hitting!

No more hitting.

Now, let's calm down here.

This is New Year's Eve,

our best friends
are gettin' married.

Now, I don't think
we should be fighting.

I don't believe...

Gloria, I said I don't
want any fighting.

We'll call a truce,
for 24 hours,

we'll pick it up New Year's Day.

I'll set the alarm,

when it rings, you wake up,

you tell me "Happy New Year,"
you punch me in the stomach.

Happy New Year!


She couldn't wait
for the alarm to ring.

How can I make you understand?

When you invited them
to bring the wedding here,

did that give you pleasure?

Yes, it did.

Then why didn't you allow
me to share in that pleasure?

Because I knew you would
feel the same way I did.

Yeah, but why didn't you let
me feel the same way you did

at the same time you did?

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this!

A few hours ago,
we had a big problem,

we couldn't go to our
best friends' wedding, right?

I make one little decision,

the problem is solved,
the wedding is coming here.

And now you're making a
problem out of the solution.

The trouble is, it's always you
who's making those little decisions.

You get it?

You know what?

Underneath that veneer
of the liberal thinker

lies a domineering man.


Me, I'm domineering, huh?

The man who just vacuumed
the entire living room?


You're calling me domineer...

Gloria, every decision I make,

I make with your
best interests at heart.

I am thinking about
you 100% of the time.

Hey, do me a favor, okay?

Think of me 50% of the time,

leave me the other 50% to think.

Because you're choking
me with your 100%.

You hear that? Choking me!

Hello. Welcome...


GLORIA: Trudy, that's beautiful.

MICHAEL: Thank you so much.

It was his idea, this nut-boy!

Mike, Mike, you know my parents?

Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, sure.

This is my sister-in-law,
Anita. Hi, Anita.

And my brother, Jack. Hi, Jack.

Uh, please, never say
that to an airline pilot.

He gets his sense of
humor from his daddy.

Who gets the booze?

Oh, let me take that, Trudy.

Put the food over
there on the table,

and then everybody have a seat.

All right, I'll get the plates.

Anita, Jack, come on, sit
down over here. Thank you.

I didn't know you became
an airline stewardess.

The last time I saw you,
you were going to college.

Oh, I was. I mean,
I studied very hard.

I got my diploma.

And now I'm showing people
where the toilet is at 30,000 feet.

But at least I know where
my husband is nights.


You look wonderful.

How does it feel to be a mother?

20 pounds lighter.

Well, honey, Al
and our little Trudy

will have one of their
own in another few years.

Or maybe even sooner.

It can't be soon enough for me.

Oh, I'm so glad
you feel that way.

Trudy, you need any help? Yes.

GLORIA: I love my nosegay.


Ooh, I can't tell you how happy I
am that we're all together tonight.

You know something, Gloria?

When I asked Trudy if it was
okay to have the wedding here,

she couldn't say
yes fast enough.

Oh, so you asked Trudy
what she thinks, huh?

Of course, we're a team.

Just like you and Mike.

Oh, yeah, we're
a team, all right.

He calls all the plays, and
I'm the jiggling backfield.


Isn't she cute?

Honey, don't you
think you should find out

if the guests would
like something to drink?

Uh, you mean "we," right?

I meant "we."

Of course you did.
'Cause just like Al said,

we're a team, we're pals.

Just like David and Goliath.

My funny girl.

Jack, Anita, what can I get you?

Scotch rocks. Oh, make it two.

Coming right up. I'll get it.

Would you two relax and
have a good time, please?

Oh, but... That's right,
you're our guests tonight.

That's nice. That's nice.

Al, what time's the
minister getting here?

He should be here any minute.

Hey, who'd you get,
Trude, Reverend Felcher?

Yeah, but he came
down with the flu,

so we had to get somebody
else at the last minute.

Oh, how'd you get
someone so fast?

Out of the Yellow Pages. No.

Sure. You got your
preacher out of a phone book?

Of course!

I hope he's a preacher.

If you read it wrong, we might
be getting married by a plumber.

He'd better be a preacher, we
can't afford a plumber. You know?

You're a nut-boy. Tell me again.

ALL: You're a nut-boy.

I love you guys. Who
gets a Scotch rocks?

Mr. and Mrs. Tannen, Ma and
Daddy are gonna be so upset

they didn't get a
chance to see you.

Oh, I didn't think Archie
cared that much for us.

Well, why would you say that?

Well, we stopped by a
couple of times at night

and rang the doorbell
and no one answered.

Well, they probably
weren't home.

No. No. The curtains
moved a little.

And then the lights went out.


Hey, that must be the minister.

GLORIA: It's almost time. Don't
get nervous. This is the moment.


Oh, no. Reverend?
No. I'm the baby-sitter.

Mrs. Henshaw, is
something wrong?

Well, Larry suddenly got invited
to a party and stood me up.

So, I figured I might as well
come over and sit for you.

Oh, well, we don't need
you to baby-sit now.

He decided to have
the wedding here.


I always thought
you two were married.

I guess it was the
baby gave me that idea.

Mrs. Henshaw, it's my best
friends who are getting married.

Our best friends. Our.

Well, here I am,

all dressed up
and no place to go.

I love weddings.

Do you have someone
to sing Oh, Promise Me?

There won't be any
music at the wedding.


Well, I just live a
few blocks away.

I suppose I could walk
home and risk rape.

You'll be all right,
Mrs. Henshaw.

Mrs. Henshaw,
why don't you stay?

Oh, thank you.

You don't mind, do
you? Al? Trudy? Oh, no.

Can I get you something to
drink? How about a little white wine?

A double zombie.


Well, you'll have to show
me how to make that.

And how to survive it.

Hi, I'm Reverend Harris.

Reverend. Yes, the man
we've been waiting for.

Everybody, the reverend's here.

How do you do? This
is my fiance, Trudy.

These are my parents,
Mr. and Mrs. Tannen.

My brother Jack,
his wife, Anita.

Listen, we want to get
married before midnight

so I can claim her
as a tax deduction.

You ride a motorcycle, Reverend?

You know what they say. The
Lord moves in mysterious ways.


Well, when do you two guys
want to start the ceremony?

Well, there isn't any hurry.

Oh, yes, there is, darling.
The sooner, the better.

My best man's gonna read a
quote at the end of the ceremony.

That's fine.

Oh, now, where did I put that?

Oh, I know where it is. I'll get
it for you, dear. Thanks, honey.

Well, I guess we're
ready to begin.

Excuse me, young lady, would you
mind having a seat over there, please?

Sure, hon.

Okay, let's see. I need
the... Let's see... Right here...

Okay, and I need the
best man right here.

And the matron of honor,
please? Oh, I'm coming!

I'm coming.

Here you are, Michael, your
quotation. Oh, thanks, honey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to
be open to feeling joy and happiness

at the union of these
two really far-out people.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here

to join together
Alphonse and Gertrude,

in the bonds of holy matrimony,

a sacred trust in
the eyes of God.

Do you, Alphonse...


Do you, Alphonse,

take this woman, Gertrude,
to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Gertrude, take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

I believe the best man now has
a few words he would like to read

on this beautiful occasion.


This isn't the right quote.

You gave me the wrong book.

I'm aware of that. I
decided for you that, uh...

That this one would be better.

You see, after you've
been married for six years,

you know how
your husband thinks.

So go ahead and read
it. I know you'll like it.

HARRIS: May we...

HARRIS: May we please
proceed with the ceremony?


"Sing and dance
together and be joyous,

"but let each one
of you be alone.

"Even as the strings
of a lute are alone

"though they quiver
with the same music.

"And stand together,

"yet not too near together."

Where have I heard this before?

You read it at our wedding.

"For the pillars of the
temple stand apart,

"and the oak tree
and the cypress

"grow not in each
other's shadow.

"For if one tree tries to
overshadow the other,

"then that one
will wither and die."

HARRIS: Here are the rings.

HARRIS: By the powers vested in me I
now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.


Oh, sorry!

♪ Promise me that someday

♪ You will love... ♪


the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.