All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 8 - Where's Archie? - full transcript

Archie mysteriously disappears while traveling to a union convention in Buffalo, leaving Edith fraught with worry.

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

? mister, we could use a man
like Herbert hoover again ?

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

? gee our old lasalle ran great ?

? those were the days!

...hostess for this evening, I
welcome you with open arms.

As your hostess for this evening,
I welcome you with open arms.

Ma, did I get any calls yet?

No, Gloria, that's the 3rd
time you've asked me that

in the last 10 minutes
. What makes you so nervous?

What makes you think I'm nervous?
I'm not nervous.

You're the one who's nervous.

Well, I got a right to be.

I ain't never been in charge
of a tupperware party before.

It's a big responsibility.

Yeah, you're right, and I
hope it's a big success.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

And Gloria, it couldn't have happened

without your father's planning.

Daddy planned this party?

Yeah, he planned not to be here for it.

Gloria, shouldn't you be getting dressed

for your Marx brothers' festival?

I can't wait to see how you're gonna look.

Oh, ma, there's plenty
of time to get dressed.

Besides, I want to sit
here and wait for my call.

Oh, I'm waiting for one, too. From Archie.

It's late.

Gloria, while you're sitting there,
will you help me with my hands?

What's the matter with them?

Well, I don't know where to put 'em.

You know, in my speech,

introducing miss Henderson,
the tupperware lady.

Now watch. Oh.

[Clears throat]

"I welcome you with open arms."

Or: "I welcome you with open arms."

Which is better, before or after?

How about during?

I welcome you with open arms.

That's it!

Gloria, thanks!

[Mike yelling] Gloria!

Uh, daddy's favorite son-in-law is calling.

I welcome you

with op-- oh! I forgot
to put the coffee on.

Gloria, why aren't you upstairs
getting dressed? It's late.

I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

I said, I'm not going.

Look, Gloria,

I--I--I don't know what I did to make you
change your mind, but whatever it is,

I want to say right up front that
I was wrong, it was all my fault,

I never should've done it,
and I'll never do it again.

And if I haven't done it yet,
I'll be wrong when I do it.

Ok? See that? A nice apology.

Now let's go upstairs and
get dressed, huh? Come on.

But, Michael, I can't go
till I know where daddy is.

I know where he is.

He's up in buffalo at that
stupid lodge convention of his.

No, he isn't. He didn't even
get on the bus this morning.

How do you know that?

Butch mcpherson called from buffalo.

Thank heavens I got the call.

Daddy's supposed to room with him up there.

And he isn't there. Do you hear me?
Daddy isn't even there.

All right, all right, so he missed the bus.

He'll probably go up on a later one.

Well, I hope so.

And butch is going to
check on it and call me,

and I want to wait for that call.

While we are waiting, can we go
upstairs and get dressed, please?

You know, Michael, this isn't like daddy.

He's always on time.

Dinner: 6:00, Walter cronkite: 7:00,

bed: 10:30, and he never misses buses.

Anything can happen once,
Gloria, even to your father.

Like once I remember he was right.

It happens. Now come on, let's go
upstairs and get dressed, please.

But, Michael, what if he's not on that 2nd bus?
Here we go again.

[Exhaling] You're making me nauseous.

I'm afraid. What if he got mugged?

Mugged, mugged!

You're talking just like a
woman, all emotion, no logic.

What kind of male
chauvinistic remark is that?

There's nothing chauvinistic about it.

Oh! Gloria, Gloria,

your father is not on a bus.

What is the logical explanation?

He missed it! See?

I, a man, go straight to the point.
You, a woman, go bananas.

Why don't you, a man, go to hell!

See that? All emotion.

Yeah, but straight to the point.

Now I'm gonna wait for that phone call.

Did you tell your mother about this?

No, Michael, she's havin' a party tonight.
I wouldn't wanna worry her.

And you're right. See? Now
you're thinking like a man.

Michael, you're just-- uh, I
was wrong, I didn't mean that.

That was a slip, it was a slip.

Remember that apology I made
before for nothing? Use it here.

[Doorbell ringing]

That'll be miss Henderson!

Ain't you 2 gonna get dressed?

Yeah, ma.


Hi. I heard you were having a meeting.

I thought you'd need a chair lady.

Oh, thanks, Irene!

Have you heard from Archie yet?

No. And he really shoulda called by now.


It's almost 8:00.

Oh, my! They're gonna be here any minute.

Irene, would you help me
? Listen to me make my speech.

I'm afraid I'll forget the words.

Oh, don't worry. You're gonna be just fine.

That's what Mrs. kleinschmidt
said, and she was wrong.

Who is Mrs. kleinschmidt?

My 3rd grade teacher. She was
in charge of the nativity play.

I was acting the part of the 3rd
cow standing next to the manger.

I was supposed to say, "moo,
moo, I hear people coming."

And when the first cow
was sayin' his speech,

"moo, moo, here we are,
3 cows in a manger,"

I looked out and I saw my little brother

sittin' in the audience, pickin' his nose.

Well! Ooh!

When it came my turn, I
couldn't think of nothin' else.

So I said it.

"Moo, moo, my little brother
is pickin' his nose."

Edith, your little brother
is not here tonight,

so, come on, let's rehearse.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I--I wrote it down.

Now, see if I remember.

[Clears throat]


dear friends,

as your hostess for the evening,

I welcome you with open arms.

That's very good.

Yeah, the hands was my idea, but
Gloria told me where to put 'em.

Uh, now, it gives me great pleasure

to introduce miss Lillian Henderson.

If she's on this side, I'll
go, "miss Lillian Henderson."

The lady who is gonna show us
how to lock in our freshness.

That's perfect.

No, the words was right, but I didn't burp.

You didn't what?

Well, these bowls are just like babies.

After you put the food
in, you got to burp 'em.

That's what keeps things fresh.

But I just can't seem to talk
and burp at the same time.

Too bad Archie isn't here.

? [Mike scatting]

? Hooray for captain spalding ?

? the African explorer

? did someone call me schnorrer? ?

? hooray, hooray, hooray ?

This morning I found an
elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.

Don't tell me, James cagney.

Irene, I don't know what I'd do
without you, but I'd rather.

That's very good, Mike.

You think that's good, you
oughtta see my brother.


[Edith exclaiming]


[Honking] Ooh!

Oh, my! You look so funny.

You look just like Shirley temple.

What brought all this on?

What did you say?

I said, "what brought all this on?"

I can't tell you, Irene. My mother told
me never to talk with my hands full.

[Gloria honking]

Excuse me, all good things
must come to an end.

But if you play your cards right,
I'll be back for your end later.

What on earth is this all about?

They're goin' to a Marx
brothers' movie festival.

And if they go dressed like that,
they get in for half-price.

Now let's hear the secret word,
and win a year's supply.

Oh, that brings back memories.

Incidentally, so does that coat.

It should, it's your husband's.

Of what?

"Of what" what?

A year's supply of what?

That's a very good question.

Give me a good answer, I'll
give you a 2-year supply.



Oh, my. Oh, my!

I forgot to take the
cake out of the freezer.

I was so worried about my speech,
I forgot about everything else.

Edith, you know your speech perfectly.

We'll go over it a few times.

Michael, I hope we don't get arrested
walking down the streets like this.

You kiddin' me? This is New York.

We'll be lucky if anybody notices us.

[Phone rings]

Oh, I hope that's butch mcpherson.

I'll get it, ma!

Hello? Butch?

Did daddy get there yet?

He didn't? Oh, my God.

Gloria, is that your father?

Uh, no, ma. It's for me.

Oh, but it ought to be your father.
It's almost 8:00.

He shoulda called 2 hours ago.

Are you sure it ain't your father?

Oh, of course it isn't daddy.

If it was, you'd be talking to him.

That's right.

What is it? What is it? Still there, butch?

No, we haven't heard from him.
He hasn't called.

Where can he be?

Well, will you keep
looking for him, please?

And if there's any news, you'll call.

Yeah. Thank you.

Michael, he wasn't on the 2nd bus either.

Daddy's missing. All right.

Take it-- take it easy. Take--take it easy.

Michael, don't tell me to take
it easy, don't you understand?

Daddy is missing.

I got it right! I got the bowl to burp!

And Irene says it sounds
better than Archie.

Dear friends, I welcome you with open arms.

[Doorbell rings]

Dear friends, I welcome
you with open-- coming!

Miss Henderson!

Direct from tupperware.


Oh, it's 8:00. You're right on time.

There's no such word as "late"
in my vocabulary, Mrs. bunker.

Even on days like today,

when I have to fly in all
the way from schenectady.


Oh, yes.

I think that's one of the things
that attracted me to tupperware.

Oh, I'm just a born traveler.

Always spreading my wings,
and hitting the road.

Oh, hitting the road.

My, that sounds so romantic.

Oh, yes. The constant adventure

of journeying to new, exciting places.

Newark, hoboken, Hartford.

The approach to utica as
you come off the thruway!


You sound just like the
happy wanderer on T.V.


Well, I just find it all so stimulating.

This week Brooklyn, next week Bethlehem.

Bethlehem? The Bethlehem?

That's right. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

Oh! Oh, yeah.



Mrs. bunker.

You've broken up a family.

I have?

Look at that servalier.

What's it doing with the wonderliers?

I don't know.

It certainly didn't get there by itself.

Did it?

Oh, I'm sorry.


Oh, you--you see,

between worrying about my
speech, and why my husband

had to-- ooh! No, no, no,
no, not the jiffysift.

It's by the flavor saver.

It's the servalier that's lost.

There. Now it's back home.

Oh, my! And you spotted it, just like that.

Every little tupper has
a family of its own.

Mrs. bunker,

this is an occasion, you know.

There are 3 things a woman
remembers all her life:

Her wedding night,

the birth of her first child,

and her first tupperware party.

That's beautiful.

(Edith) Gloria, Mike.

What are you doing in the cellar?

Uh, we were lookin' for the celery!


You're having entertainment for the party.

What a lovely idea, Mrs. bunker.

Tupperware won't pay for that.

No, no, they ain't entertainment.

That's my son-in-law and my
daughter, Gloria and Mike stivic.

And miss Henderson.

How do you do?

Well, they're dressed that way

'cause they're goin' to the movies.


Gloria, what were you doing
carrying the phone around?

[Gasps] Did Archie call?

Uh, no, ma. We were just checkin'
to see what time the movie starts.

Why did you have to go
to the cellar for that?

[Doorbell ringing]


Mrs. bunker, I think our
guests have arrived.

Oh, yeah, they're here!

Oh, tell me when Archie calls.

Come on, Michael.

Michael, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna go to the movies,
that's what we're gonna do.

What? Gloria,

it is the only calm, rational
thing to do, believe me.

Believe you? No.

I have to believe all those
phone calls we just made.

Nobody saw him on the bus.

All right, so he took a plane.

Gloria, didn't butch
mcpherson say he'd call

when Archie got there?

Right. All right, so it's
crazy to miss the festival

waitin' for a phone call, now come on.

Michael, I know you fight with daddy a lot,

but I--I always thought it was
because you didn't agree with him.

I didn't know that you hated him.

I don't hate him.

You hate him.

I don't hate him!

You hate him!

Gloria, you better quit while you're ahead.

Well, if you don't hate him,

how can you think of going to the movies

while he's missing out there?

He's not missing. We just
mislaid him, that's all.

Something's happened to him.

I know something's happened to him.

You know something's happened to him.
How do you know, Gloria?

You tell me, you give me one scrap of fact

and I won't go to the movies.
One little fact.

Michael, I-I'm just
worried about my father.

Hey, honey, I know you're worried,

but I also know that you're
worrying unnecessarily.

You know Archie. He probably
checked into another hotel.

Why would he do that?

Well, you heard him this morning.

Boasting about how much expense
money the lodge was giving him.

$35 a day.


Well, he probably checked
into some fleabag hotel,

and he's pocketing the rest of the money.

That's a terrible thing
to say about my father.

I thought it was one of the nicest
things I ever said about him.

How could you even say--

I welcome you with open arms.

Dear friends, I welcome you with open arms.

Dear friends, I welcome you with open arms.


Gloria, honey, listen. There's
nothing to worry about.


Michael, with all the trouble that's
going on in the world these days?

People being shot in the
streets for no reason.

Murder for murder's sake.

You're talking paranoid, Gloria.

That's what's wrong with
everybody these days.

Everybody's afraid. Whatever happened
to trusting your fellow man?

You really think he checked
into a different hotel?

It makes sense, doesn't it?

You could be right, Michael.

[Honks] Of course I'm right.
Excuse me. Now trust me.

Come on, now let's go to the movies.

We're gonna have a good time, huh?

I mean, yeah, after all, what's
the worst that could happen?

He could come home.

[Women chattering]

Edith, it's a lovely party.

Oh, thanks, Louise, but we ain't
heard a word from Archie.

I'll say it again: It's a lovely party.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh! There's more people. Oh!

It looks like we're gonna
have a full house.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. estrada.

[Speaking spanish] Come in.

[Speaking spanish] Hello.

Oh, I'm glad you came.

Miss Henderson, I'd like you
to meet some friends of mine,

Alfredo estrada, a-and his wife, Maria.

(Alfredo) Hello. How do you do?

A man, Mrs. bunker, at a tupperware party.

Oh, I know he's a man, but
he ain't here as a man.

He's here to listen for his wife.


Is--is she deaf?

No, puerto rican.

I--I--I'm here to translate for her.

Oh! Oh, oh, well then, in
that case, he can stay.

As a matter of fact, Mr. estrada,

I have just the thing
for you and your wife.

Oh. Our pie holder also
doubles as a tortella holder.

Puerto ricans don't eat tortellas.

We don't even eat tortillas.

[Speaking spanish]

[Speaking spanish]

Oh, they're such a happy
people, aren't they?

Excuse me.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson, I can't
tell you how delighted I am

to see you here tonight.

Oh, do we know each other?

No, but we have overcome, haven't we?

We have?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

Why, only last week I hosted
an all-black tupperware party.

Oh, it couldn't have been all-black.

But it was.

Didn't you say you were there?

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, anyway, I took in $300 that night.

Even though I was the only hunky there.


That's black for "white."

Is that right?

Sometimes I wish I were white,

so I could get used to using all
of those black expressions, too.

Edith, I think maybe this is a good
time for you to begin your speech.

Oh, Irene, I'm so nervous.

You're among friends. You're gonna be fine.

Oh, I hope so.

Just don't think about your
little brother picking his nose.

Ladies, we're ready to start.
Why don't you all sit down?

Uh, welcome to my very
first tupperware party.


Uh, um, as your hostess

for this evening--

Gloria! How could you do a
crazy, stupid thing like that.

Will you answer me?


I-I'm sorry.

Oh, don't apologize, they were very good.

Bravo, bravo.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

As your hostess for this evening...

As your hostess for this evening,

I welcome you with open noses.

Um, uh...

Oh, I mean I welcome you with open ar...

You agreed, Gloria. You agreed
to go to duck soup with me.

Leave me alone.

I agreed to leave before horse feathers,

but we never even got
there to see duck soup.

Oh, stop it, Michael. Haven't you
ever changed your mind before?

Listen, I'm sorry I didn't
go to the movies with you,

but every minute I'm getting
more and more frightened.

[Phone ringing]

Oh, that might be butch!

Ma, that's a call to me!

No! I mean, yes, operator. I'll hold on.

Ma, I know that call's for me.

Not this time. This is a collect
call, so I know it's from Archie.

Hello, Archie.

Oh, excuse me, butch.

Oh, what?

Would you mind talkin' louder?
We're havin' a party here.

Ye-yeah, where is Archie?

[People chattering]


Well, where could he be?

Well, did you check...

Oh, I see.

Oh, no, sure.

Butch, you go back to your table.
Yeah, goodbye.

Archie ain't at the banquet.

He ain't even in buffalo.

We know, ma.

Oh, I knew something was
wrong when he didn't--

you knew. Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was hoping he'd turn
up there on a later bus,

and I--I didn't wanna worry you.

Gloria, where could he be?

Ma, everything's all right
. Everything'll be fine. Daddy's ok.

No! Archie's always on time.

Dinner at 6:00, cronkite
at 7:00, bedtime is 10:30.

Something's happened to him.

Edith, everything's back in its place now.

It's all going just fine.

[All agreeing]

(Woman) Fabulous party.

Everybody, please, please.
Can we have some quiet?


Ma, are you all right?

Certainly she's all right.

She's just a little overwhelmed by it all.

Like I said,

we never forget our first tupperware party.

Now, ladies, I must show you
our brand new cracker keeper.

Come on, girls. (Woman) Oh, they're good.

(Male announcer) Where's Archie?

Has he run off with another woman?

Edith asks the police to find out.

Next week on all in the family.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.