All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 7 - Gloria's Shock - full transcript

Four years into the Stivic marriage, Mike and Gloria still have no children. That's just fine by Mike, and his wishes cause yet another argument between him and Gloria.

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee our old lasalle ran great ?

? those were

? the days


Oh, hello, my darling.

You look a little tired.

What you need is some tender loving care.

Do we have time, Gloria?

I was talking to moss plant, honey. Oh, oh.

You're the one that first taught me

that plants really respond
to love and affection.

That's true, that's true, so do husbands.

(Gloria) Oh, oh not now, honey.

Why? Come on, nobody's here. No, come on.

Gloria, you won't even show your husband

the same attention you show your fern.

Oh, oh, ok.

[Cooing] Hello, my honey!


What, are you cooling off
the red hot lover there?

Why don't you take him outside
and turn the hose on him?

Recreation break's over, the warden's back.

Hi, ma. I made you some coffee.

Oh, how was the funeral?
Oh, it was very nice.

Didn't you think it was, Archie?

Ah, well, Edith, funerals are all the
same, one's just like the next one.

The only thing different
is the dearly departeds.

It was a lovely service.

And the reverend felcher
said such nice things

about poor Joe hoffsinger.

Wherever Joe is, I'm sure his
ears must have been burning.

Oh, did you go to the cemetery?

Oh, no, Joe ain't being buried.

What are they gonna do with him?

He's gonna be incremated.

Daddy, "cremated."

Ain't that what I said?

[Blowing a raspberry]

And they're gonna keep his
ashes around the house

in one of them silver urinals.

And, by the way,

don't you never do that to me.

Oh, no, Archie, I promise.

Oh, you got something against cremation?

No, but with your mother-in-law, I'd
probably wind up in the vacuum cleaner.

Poor old Joe hoffsinger.

Here today, gone tomorrow.
That's the way it is.

Another victim of the grim weeper.

Sure makes you think about life, though.

Jeez, you get married,
you work your butt off

all your life to support your family.

And what's your big reward in the end?

Every Wednesday, the widow shines you up

along with the rest of the brics
and bracs on the mantle board.

It's hard to believe him dying like that.

Mr. hoffsinger always looked so healthy.

Oh, Joe took pretty good care of himself.

Yeah, his wife told me he was
always taking vitamin pills,

and eating sunflower seeds,
and drinking goat's milk.

Then how did he die?

He dropped dead jogging home
from the health food store.

Poor Joe. You know what bothered me?

His son, Bernard, didn't
even come to the funeral.

And that was a disgrace.

Well, ma, weren't you the one to
tell me that they never got along?

Oh, well, how the hell you gonna
get along with a kid like Bernard,

with his painted toenails,
carrying a purse,

and whiskers down to his bellybutton?

He's a musician.

Musician? What are you talking about?
The guy's a jerk.

Plays in one of them rock groups.

That's a good name for them, too.

They all look like they crawled
out from under a group of rocks.

Daddy, maybe Bernard had a good reason

for not being at the funeral.

There ain't no good reason for a
thing like that, little girl,

after the old man working
hard for him all of his life.

He wanted to take Bernard
into the business.

And it was a very good business.

What business was that?

He was an exterminator.

You should've seen his truck.

It was covered with all kinds of pictures

of the different kinds of bugs

he could kill for you.

And laying on top was this
big rubber cockroach.

And every time Joe drove down the street,

its little legs would go flying around,

like it was alive.

Bernard could've had all of that.

How about a little lunch there, huh, Edith?

Oh, ma, I got everything ready.

Oh, thanks, Gloria, I'll help you.

Yeah, poor old Joe hoffsinger.

Well, what the hell, he's up there now.

In the attic?

No, don't be a smart guy, heaven.
And you know I meant heaven.

He's in heaven.

St. Peter's up there measuring
him for his wings right now.

You mean those wings are tailor-made?

I always thought they came off the rack.

Don't try and be a wise guy, will you?

Do you really believe that stuff?

I most certainly do.

I read my Bible and it's in my Bible.

Guys who go to heaven get wings.
Now leave me alone!

Fine, arch, suppose there is a heaven,

and suppose when you get up there,
you're not met by St. Peter.

You're met by a rabbi. What would you do?

I'd drop dead.

But that's a stupid "supposing
if," because everybody knows

that in heaven there ain't no
differences of race or color.

Everybody's equal, white christians.

What about hell, are there any
white christians in hell?

You better be careful or
you're gonna find out.

Let me tell you something, you
ain't got no respect in you.

That's the trouble with Joe
hoffsinger's son Bernard.

That's the thanks Joe got, after
bringing that kid into the world.

What thanks should he get? I mean,
gee, I think if you bring a kid

into the world nowadays,
you owe an apology.

I know, if it was up to me, I wouldn't
be born into this rotten world.

What's the matter with the world today?

Well, for one thing, it's too crowded.

Not for me, if it's too crowded for you,

why don't you step off of it?

Arch, there are over 4 billion
people in the world today.

We don't have food to feed half of them.

And in 25 years, Asia alone
is gonna have 4 billion.

Who's gonna take care of all those people?


Oh, well, t-that's a relief.
How's he gonna do that?

Like he always done it in the past.

Anytime he figured the world was too full,

God, in his infinite mercy, gave us wars,

or earthquakes, floods,

diseases, and pestilentiaries like that.

It's nice to have an intelligent
conversation with you.

(Edith) Food's on.

You don't really mean that,
because the trouble with you is,

like I said before, that
you ain't got no respect.

Arch, respect has to be earned.

So does a living, but that
don't mean nothing to you.

I'm telling you right now, there's
a big "hate your parents" movement

going on in this country

in the U.S. of a., but it wasn't
an American that started it.

It was a German head shrinker
by the name of Sigmund froos.

Freud only said that parents
can create a lot of problems.

Oh, he's wacky.

Parents create children and
children create the problems,

including you, little girl.

Me? What problems did I ever cause?

Well, tip a glance to your right there.

That's not funny, arch.

No, it's sad and it's terrible.

Daddy, I didn't ask to be born.

Oh, well, now you're here, I
mean, what're we gonna do,

get your vote? Look at this. See, see
this is the appreciation you get

for making a big decision to
bring a kid into this world.

Oh, big decision. Come off it, arch.

The only reason a lot of people have kids

is because they forget to
make a trip to the drugstore.

Can't you keep your mouth
shut about nothing?

I didn't say nothing.


Oh, ma.

You know how you used to always call me
your little pink bundle from heaven?

Well, you can't do that anymore

'cause I just found out I
was a surprise package.

Well, now you know, kind
of keep it indoors, huh?

Things like that happen
in the best of families.

Well, that won't happen to
me and Michael, huh, honey?

That's right. We're not
gonna have any kids.


I said, we're not gonna
have any kids. What?

You don't mean that.

Oh, no, ma. He means
while we're living here.

(Archie) What?

No, Gloria, I mean we're not
gonna have any kids, period.

What? You didn't talk about
that when we got married.


A lot of things have changed since then.

What did you do, meathead,
sneak off to some chiropractor

and get yourself fixed?

No, arch, I just don't feel it's right
to bring kids into the world today.

Just like that, you decide we're
not gonna have any children?

Not just like that, Gloria. I've been
thinkin' about it for a long time.

Michael, why didn't you just at least
discuss it with your wife first?

He didn't discuss it with me, neither.

I was gonna tell you!

Tell me? How about ask me?

I thought our marriage was a
partnership, not a dictatorship.

This guy's a dictator here. Yeah.

Oh, Gloria, be rational.

That's another Hitler over there.

No, not a Hitler.

Why not? Hitler didn't have
no kids, he had a police dog.

Archie, I think we better go
upstairs and let them finish.

No, no, no, no, no, we're in this
and we're gonna stay in this.

You sit down. Arch, this
doesn't concern you.

That kid that you don't wanna
have happens to be my grandson.

Or granddaughter.

Well, whatever.

All right, Michael, you told me something,

now I'm gonna tell you something.

I haven't been taking the
pill for the last 6 weeks.

Ah, jeez, private, private.


You wouldn't do that to me, would you?

Wouldn't I?

You would, you would.

She would, she did.

I didn't.

I did not, and you know why I didn't?

Because I wouldn't do a thing like
that without consulting you first.

Because I'm honest.

What--what are you saying I'm not?

Well, if the shoe fits,

kick yourself with it.

Yeah, meathead. And if
the shoe don't fit you,

give it to me and I'll kick you with it.

Arch, will you butt out of this?
This is none of your business.

The hell it ain't.

You know, this family could
divorce you for holding back.

A lot of people don't wanna have kids!

Yeah, well, I know of one Polish couple
I wish would've thought that way.

All right, all right, I'm sorry

I apologize, I was wrong, ok?

Ok, now, when do we have the baby?

I wasn't wrong about that.

I--I was just wrong not
to discuss it with you.

Well, we're discussing it
now and you're still wrong.

When we got married you promised
me 2 things, Michael stivic,

a home and a family.

Now I find out that you meant
my home and my family.

Gloria, let--let's not change the subject.

Can we stick to one fight
at a time, please?

You know, Michael, you could've come to me.

I--I'm really not that hard to find.

Uh, when you get in this bed, I'm
the first girl on your left.

You wanna talk about it
? Fine, we'll talk about it.

Boy, you sure had me fooled.

I can remember a week, about 4 years ago,

when all you could do was cry.

What are you talking about?

When I had the miscarriage.

You know what? You're a hypocrite.

It's taken me 4 years to
find out you hate children.

I don't hate children, Gloria.
I love children.

That's why I don't wanna bring any
into the world the way it is now.

Oh, come on. Stop playing Hamlet.

And you stop being so damn naive, Gloria.

Take a look around you, if you
can see through the pollution.

You wanna take a kid to the beach nowadays?

You don't give him a sand pail,
you give him a garbage pail.

Ok, Mr. ecology. But all that can change.

They're gonna clean up the air, too.
Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? What about spray cans?

What? Yeah, yeah.

Here, right here.

This is a killer.

Oh, so now my hair spray's a killer?

Yeah, your hair spray, my
deodorant, all spray cans.

I read that there are gases
inside these cans, Gloria,

that shoot up into the air
and can destroy the ozone.

What's the ozone?

Ozone is a protective shield
that surrounds the earth

that protects us against ultraviolet rays.
You know what they can do?

Yeah, they can give you a sunburn.

Sure, when the ozone's there.
But when it's all gone

you can get skin cancer, and God knows
what it can do to the plants and crops.


Well, all right, Michael.


Let's compromise.

You let me have a baby and I'll
let you have my hair spray.

You haven't heard one word I've said.

Gloria, some scientists are
saying that in 10 years,

at the rate the ozone's going, this
world is gonna be in big trouble.

Well, Michael, you just can't
go on being afraid of life.

I'm not afraid of life,
Gloria, I'm just facing it.




Don't cry.

First, you tell me I can't have a family

and now you say, "don't cry."
I'll cry if I want to.


I didn't say we couldn't have a family.

We can always adopt.

Hey, that way, we'd be giving our love
to a kid that's already been born.

Well, maybe later.

But first it's important to me, as a woman,

to--to try to have one of my own.

Why? Why?

Why is that the most important
thing in life, t-t-to give birth?

W-what're you, a baby machine?

Some baby machine, I can't
even turn out one copy.


Michael, don't you touch me
unless you mean business.

Do you think, maybe, they made up?

It's gotten awful quiet
up in their bedroom.


If they made up, their bedroom'd
be anything but quiet.

I wonder why Mike really
don't wanna have children.

Edith, because he's an atheist.

And the atheist religion
don't believe in the Bible.

What's that got to do with it?

It's got everything to do with
it, Edith, it's in the Bible,

the lord gives normal
people a direct order.

He says, "ye shall be
fruitful and multiply."

And "ye" means everybody, right?

That's right. Ye is the plurable of you.

"And ye shall be

fruitful and multiply."

Oh, my.

Don't God got a nice way of putting things?

I wonder if he could do something
about me being a grandma.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

"Be fruitful and multiply."

And I'm stuck with a son-in-law

who only wants to break even.

Edith, I got your gas bill by mistake.

Oh, thanks, Irene.

Why didn't you pay it by mistake, Irene?

Come on, admit it. I'm making sense.

There's nothing to admit, Michael.

I want a baby. So leave me alone.

She wants a baby, leave her alone.

She'll never get it that way, Archie.

Irene, would you like to have some lunch?

Oh, just coffee, thanks.

Edith, am I interrupting anything here?

Oh, no, it's already happened.

Tell Irene the truth there, Edith.

We just found out that the meat head
and Gloria ain't gonna have no kids

and it's his fault.

(Irene) Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

Was it the mumps you had last year?

What mumps? I didn't have any mumps.
I had 2 wisdom teeth removed.

That shouldn't do it.

Well, with him you never know.

Irene, I just don't wanna
have any kids, that's all.

Mike says that the world ain't
a safe place for babies.

It's not a safe place for adults.

Yeah, see, see, Irene agrees with me.

She knows what I'm talking about.

E-even some catholics are using
the pill these days, right?

I think they're using their
individual conscience.

Yeah, well, a lot of them catholics

are using their consciences
in secret, you know.

Like, what do you call, under the covers?

Have you thought about adoption, Mike?

Sure, I'm all for it.

Oh, what are you bringing up adoption for?

Well, that way, they'd be taking
care of a child that's already here.

Whatever they do, I'll be taking
care of the whole bunch of them.

Look, Mike,

Frank and I had the same doubts

about bringing a child into this world.

And then Frank said:

"Who knows, maybe a child of
ours will change the world.

Maybe we'll give birth to
another Abraham Lincoln."

Jeez, you missed that
by a mile, didn't you?

We came pretty close.

One of them is tall, skinny, and poor.

Goodbye, Archie. Ouch! Jeez,

Irene. What did I do?

You gave me a carpet shock.

Mike, whatever you decide,
I love you both. Bye.

Bye, Irene.

[Door closing]

Mike, I gotta confess.

I was lookin' forward to being a grandma.

We was both looking
forward to being grandma.

Havin' a little grandson

I could take to the park,

or a granddaughter,

whose hair I could curl

and dress up in pretty clothes.

And we could all be together

on Thanksgiving and Christmas

and say grace

and laugh a lot and have fun.

Where'd you get the idea that
that's how family life is?

She's always watching the waltons.

That's right.

Look at all the kids they got.

Oh, my, Mike, if the
waltons thought like you

they wouldn't even have a TV show.


You don't think I'm wrong, do you?

I mean, I don't think it's that
selfish of me to want a baby.

Oh, no, Gloria. You're a woman.

Every woman wants a baby.

It makes her feel useful.

Is that the way I made you feel?

Oh, sure. And I loved my little girl.

But, ma,

what is there to make you feel useful now?

I'm not a little girl anymore.


I was looking forward

to another 20 years with my grandchildren.

I wouldn't count on it, if I was you, ma.

Oh, Gloria, don't worry.

Mike'll see it your way.

Wait till you move into your own place,

he'll change his mind.

No, ma,

Michael's got too many
strong arguments against it.

Well, you got strong arguments for it.

Oh, my goodness.

What would you do with your
life if you didn't have a baby?

I mean,

that's the main thing
women was meant to do.

The main thing? Yeah.

You gotta admit, we was built for it.

If we wasn't meant to have babies,

we'd all be men.

Excuse me, ma. Oh, yeah, sure.

[Cutlery rattling]

Michael? Yeah.

Maybe you're right.


What--what made you change your mind?

Ma did.

How did I do that?


I believe a--a woman's meant
to be a person first,

and--and then maybe a mother.

I don't need to give birth to a
baby to make me feel useful.

I'm useful. I know you are.


does that mean you don't
want to have a baby?

Oh, I didn't say that.

I don't know, I...

I just want to think about it.

(Archie) How 'bout a beer out here?

Excuse me.

What the hell's going on out there?

Well, they just made up.

Is he gonna do his duty and
come up with the conjugals?

Well, I don't know.

I think Mike has got
Gloria thinking his way.

And I'm thinking that
we'll never be a grandma.

Oh, don't worry about nothin' like that.

She's got the whole control
over that, anyhow.

You want to ensure it, I
tell you what you do.

You pick your time, you
duck into their bedroom.

You know Gloria's birth patrol pills?


Out the window and over the fence.

Oh, Archie. No, I-- do what

I tell you.

We'll be back in the grandma business,

and the pills'll work
on the jeffersons' cat.

(Male narrator) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.