All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 9 - Archie Is Missing - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Oh, damn.

Oh, no, Louise, I'm sorry. It's
just I was hoping it was daddy.

No, not a word yet.

And we've been calling the convention
headquarters up in buffalo every hour.

Nobody's seen him.

It's as if he's disappeared into thin air.

[Sighing]

No. Mom's not here.

She's gone down to the police station
with Michael to fill out a report.

Well, call me the minute you hear anything.

And try to relax, sweetie.



I know you'll be hearing from him soon.

[Sighing]

Well, still no word from Archie.

Yeah, peaceful ain't it?

Why don't you shut up, George?

Hey, ho, ho, ho. What kind
of talk is that, woman?

Listen, George, Archie is missing.

And Edith is going out
of her mind with worry.

Why? Is she afraid he's coming back?

Now, you listen to me, George.

Take that claw out of my face.

And if you give me the finger
one more time, woman--

you call me "woman" one more time

and I'm going to put all
5 fingers together and--

go ahead, go ahead. Give me
your best shot right here.

And you see what happens to you.

What?

Your mother will have an
unexpected guest. You.

Damn it, Louise. Why do you keep
sticking up for that honky?

You hear the way he's
always fat-mouthing us.

The only thing worse than his
insults, is his compliments.

"I said, Jefferson, there,

"you know why you people
got such natural rhythm?

From being grown up on all 'em tom-Toms."

Then there's the bull about just 'cause
we black, we can't get enough sex.

We both know that's bull, don't we George?

You better lighten up, Louise.

But you do have rhythm.

1 out of 2 ain't bad.

Now you've gone too far. You
hear that, Louise? Too far.

Don't you slam my table. What?

[Yelling] I'll slam your table.
I'll slam your chair.

I'll slam your wall. Anything
else you want me to slam?

Yes. The door from the other side.

You got it.

Mr. ward, what you did is against the law.

I'll be with you folks in just a minute.

You understand that? Yes, sir.

Look, if I promise never to do it again,

will you let me go?

Ok, Mr. ward, but, it's the last time.

Now beat it. Thank you, sergeant.
Thank you.

Hey, hey! Get out of here!

What are you, crazy?

Don't do that!

(Sergeant) Book him.

Sorry you had to see that, ma.

That reminds me, Archie
forgot to pack his raincoat.

I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that, ma'am.

Now can I help you?

Y-y-yeah. My husband is supposed
to be in buffalo at a convention,

but he didn't even get on the bus.

Uh, we'd like to file a
missing persons report.

Ok. What's your husbands name, lady?

Archie bunker. And how
long has he been missing?

Since noon, yesterday.

Oh, we can't file a missing persons report

until 24 hours have passed.

That's ridiculous. I mean.
What's another few hours?

A man is missing. We've
come here to report it.

All we're asking you to
do is try to find him.

Look, I'd like to be able to help you,

but there isn't too much
we can do right now.

Uh, unless...

Has your husband ever had amnesia?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

He never used laxatives. Just prune juice.

Lady, this, uh, husband of yours

is he fifty-ish, overweight,

always worried about money,

stuck in a dull job, kind of sour in life?

That's wonderful, you've seen him.

No, but, I've seen a million
guys just like him.

Let me tell you something.

A lot of our missing persons
turn out to be runaways.

And 98 percent of all the men involved

are running away because of,
uh, extra-marital affairs.

Oh, Archie ain't interested in affairs.

He don't even like small dinner parties.

H-hello. Registration desk?

Yes, could you please tell
me if a Mr. Archie bunker

has checked into the hotel yet?

Y-yes, I'll hold.

He hasn't checked in yet.

Thank you.

Oh, boy. What's that?

Oh, it's a collection of stuff
I found up in Archie's closet.

Michael, you went into daddy's room?
Those things are personal.

Gloria, the police said it would help

if we could build up a
psychological profile of Archie.

Yeah, but this is just a
bunch of old souvenirs.

It might give us a clue
to where Archie's gone.

A "win with wilkie" button?

Look at this. An old Ripley's
"believe it or not" clipping.

"Because of the population
growth rate in China

"if you lined up all the Chinese, 4 abreast

and marched them into the sea,
the line would never end."

I wonder why he kept this.

Maybe he liked the idea.

What's this?

Oh, daddy got that from high school.

You mean he kept his grades?

No, Michael. It stands for flushing.

Oh, so that's what he majored in.

Flushing high school. He
was on the baseball team.

Hey! It could have started way back then.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, I'll get it. Yeah. That's it.

Maybe he never became a real ballplayer,

so now he's still mad at life.

Maybe not. I don't know.

Hi. Hi.

Yeah, well, that makes 2 high.

One of us better come down from up there.

[Laughing]

Uh, I'm not sure...

Oh, I'm, uh, stretch Cunningham, Gloria.

From your father's plant.

Oh, oh, stretch Cunningham. Oh, come on in.

Oh, but I'm, uh, I'm afraid
that daddy's not here.

Yeah, I heard. Yeah, I asked
stretch to come over, Gloria.

Thanks a lot, stretch.

Oh, that's ok. I had to
walk that way, anyway.

As the man said when he
bought the talcum powder.

[Laughing]

Why did you want to talk
with Mr. Cunningham?

Well, I thought that maybe stretch
could tell us something about Archie

that we don't already know.

Oh. Would you like some coffee?

Oh, no thanks. I ain't got long.

I promised tiny stubafore
I'd go bowling with him.

You know tiny? (Mike) No.

Oh, too bad. They get a big kick
out of us down at the alley.

Like sometimes, uh, when tiny beats me,

I get down on my knees
next to him and I yell:

"Hey. Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size?"

And funny things like that.

[Laughing]

That's funny, stretch. W-why
don't you sit down over here?

Uh, at work did Archie mention anything

about the lodge convention?

Sure, he was looking forward to it.

He said with any luck

they'd have of 'em female cakes.

A what?

Y-you know, one of them cakes where
the broad pops out of the top.

Uh, does Archie often talk
about things like that?

Cake?

Uh, no, no, no, no. Women, sex.

Michael! Gloria, this could me important.

My father would never
look at another woman.

Oh yeah? He looks at boom-boom
Turner all the time.

Boom-boom Turner?

Yeah, uh, the receptionist
down at the plant.

Mildred "boom-boom" Turner.

She's built...

[Grunts]

And when she walks, boom-boom.

Michael, I don't want to
hear anymore of this.

Oh, you've gotta face facts, Gloria.

I mean, your old man's got
a lot of get-up-and-go.

So maybe he just got up and went.

You know, boom-boom here, boom there--

stretch! Everywhere a boom-boom.

My father isn't like that.

Uh, thanks a lot, stretch,

really, uh, but I think Gloria's right.

Archie's not smart enough to
set up something like that.

Oh, don't be too sure.

Ain't no flies on arch.

He told me so the other day.

"Ain't no flies on me, stretch," he said.

And I said, "then how do
you go to the bathroom?"

[Laughing]

You get it?

Sort of a play on words.

Yeah, yeah, well, uh,

listen, if there's anything
else I can do to help,

you let me know, huh
? (Mike) Yeah, yeah. We will.

Yeah, that was a great idea.

Well, Gloria, we got to try everything.

Do you realize what he was suggesting?

He was suggesting that daddy's
run off with some woman.

I know it sounds crazy, Gloria,

but the police said that 98
percent of the men Archie's age--

but not daddy! Oh, Michael.
That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, huh? What?

"Me and Mildred,

company picnic, 1973."

Boom-boom?

Boom-boom.

Gloria, we're gonna give a
complete description of boom-boom

to everybody we run into. All right?

Height, 5' 4",

weight, 125.

Age, uh, 35.

Outstanding physical characteristics,

2.

Michael, I just don't believe it.

Why would daddy run off with
a woman like boom-boom?

Gloria, haven't you ever
heard of the 7-year itch?

But he's been married for 26 years.

All right, so it took him 19
years to start scratching.

(Mike) What are you doing?

I'm calling the plant.

Oh, Gloria, you called them
twice in the past hour.

They said they'd call
boom-boom at home for you.

So, why hasn't she phoned us yet?

Because she's not home!

Well, how do you know that?

Oh, come on Gloria. You don't
believe that cock-and-bull story

the plant gave you, that
she's home sick, do you?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I'm going to call her at home myself.

That--that's great, Gloria.
That's really great.

And-- and suppose she's home,
what are you going to say to her?

"Hello, miss Turner. I hate to bother you,

but are you shacking up with my father?"

Oh, hi, ma.

Hi, ma. Uh, there's no news yet.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Oh, ma. You got to try
not to worry so much.

Oh, I wasn't worrying then, Gloria.

I was thinking about my
Uncle Henry's watch.

Huh?

It was one of them big railway watches

hanging on a heavy silver chain.

He used to wear it to work at the brewery.

Except he never wore it on Saturdays.

On Saturdays, he'd wind it
up and put it on the table

next to his bed, beside the
glass with his teeth in it.

He never wore them on Saturdays neither.

Anyway, I use to sneak into his bedroom

and pick up the watch and
listen to it ticking.

There it was, all wound up

and telling the time even
though nobody wanted to know.

[Sighs]

What made you think of that, ma?

Well, it was just like
that at ferguson's market.

Just now, there I was

filling my shopping basket
with all the right things,

but I don't even remember
taking them off the shelves.

It's like somebody on the outside

is busy being me

and somebody on the inside

is busy thinking about Archie.

[Sighs]

Ma, daddy will come home.

Oh, I know he will, Gloria.

I--I just bought him some beer.

That way he has to come home,

uh, to drink it.

Oh, I better put this stuff away.

I'm making that call, Michael.

Oh, I don't know, Gloria.

For ma's sake, I, I--I hope I'm wrong.

Michael, I know you're wrong.

Please be home, boom-boom.

In bed,

sick,

alone.

No answer?

Oh, poor ma, what are we going to tell her?

The truth. You got to tell her the truth.

Why me? You're the one
that found the picture.

Gloria, you're much better at it than
I am, after all, you're a woman.

Oh, you got to give me a
better reason than that.

How 'bout I'm a coward?

Ok, all right, I'll tell her.

Tell me what, Gloria?

Ma, will you please come
over here and sit down?

You see, this is very, very important.

[Sighs]

Michael has something he wants to tell you.

No, I don't.

Honey, please. No, no, no.

Help! Um,

oh, boy.

Um, ma,

uh, w-w-we're not sure, but,

well, uh,

we think it's possible that--

are you talking about
Archie and another woman?

How did you know?

Well, it's only natural.

A man as handsome as Archie.

Women are attracted to him like flies.

You mean there have been other women?

Oh, sure, cybil guley,

the checker down at ferguson's market.

No.

Oh, sure,

every time Archie goes shopping for me

she always gives him double bags.

Uh, ma.

I--I think you should see this.

Oh, what a nice picture of Archie.

Uh, uh, no, ma, the--the woman,
look at-- look at the woman.

That's boom-boom.

You know boom-boom?

Oh sure, her real name is Mildred Turner.

I met her last year at the company picnic.

Uh, uh, h-how did you know
they called her boom-boom?

Archie told me.

Do you know why they call her boom-boom?

No.

Because she used to play drums
in the high school orchestra.

Uh, ma,

I hate to say this, but

we think that Archie and boom-boom are

[muttering] Having an affair together.

What?

Having an affair together!

[Laughing] Oh, no, not Archie.

Not unless she's hypnotized
him or something.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, would you get that?

I, uh, need a couple of aspirin.

(Gloria) Sure, ma.

Oh, stretch.

Hey, have I got some news for you.

But first I gotta show you something.

Remember I was telling you about
boom-boom, well, look at this.

Another picture of Archie and boom-boom.

Christmas 1972.

Yeah, he and boom-boom make a
great looking trio, don't they?

[Laughing]

Anyway, I, uh, found out
something else you should know.

Stretch. Oh, hi. Edith.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, well, uh, this is
kind of squirmish, you know.

Please, stretch, tell ma.
She has a right to know.

Ok.

Uh, being a friend, I thought I'll
do a little checking for you,

so I called boom-boom's house to
see if she's really home sick

and, uh, I hate to tell you this
but, uh, she ain't even home.

So I call her mother,
boom-boom's out of town.

Out of town.

Uh, listen, uh, I got to be going.

Well, thanks for stopping by, stretch.

Uh, you know, I hate to bring bad news,

but when there ain't no good news,
what other kind of news can you bring?

And that's the guy Archie
calls the king of comedy.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma.

Oh, well, it's all right, Gloria.
He meant well.

Uh, ma, the police said that
they wanted a picture of Archie.

Do you have something else?

Does it matter if he ain't smiling?

I don't think so.

Then I'll get our wedding picture.

[Doorbell ringing]

Does Gloria stivic live here?

Yeah. You're Mildred...

Turner.

That's right, who's Gloria stivic?

That's, uh, that's me.

Ok, so what the heck's going on here?

I take a couple of days sick leave and
you got the whole town looking for me.

Yeah, uh, well, we just
wanted to talk to you.

I don't even know you.

Plant's been calling my mother,

stretch Cunningham's been calling my
mother, you got her worried to death.

Oh, we're sorry. You're sorry, I'm sorry.

What's the sense of being
alone with your boyfriend

if your mother keeps calling?

There's nothing wrong with that.
We plan to get married.

As soon as he gets his divorce.

My mother will never let him go.

First my mother, now your mother.

W-what is going on here anyway?

I--I don't think you know who
Gloria's mother is, boom-boom.

Boom-boom, did you call me boom-boom?

I thought everybody called you that.

Let me tell you something. I have
done some big things in my life.

In high school I got all a's.

Does anybody ever say
"there goes the brain"?

In 1962, I won a dance contest

at Arthur Murray's.

Does anybody ever say
"there goes miss graceful"?

Just once I walk across the loading dock

and a klutz by the name of
Archie bunker says "boom-boom."

That, they remember.

Well, if you think this Archie
bunker is such a klutz,

why did you have this
picture taken with him?

I didn't. See every time I
stand still around the place

that klutz bunker jumps next to me.

And gets his goofball friend, stretch
Cunningham, to snap another picture.

Oh, it drives Harold crazy.

Who's Harold?

My boyfriend.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, miss Turner, I'm so
happy to hear about Harold.

You see, I'm Archie bunker's daughter.

Oh, is that so, well,

you got my sympathy.

Now you mind telling me
what is all the panic

about getting ahold of me?

Well, uh, this is kind of embarrassing, uh,

see, uh, uh, uh,

Archie left town yesterday a-a-and
stretch said that you were out of town.

So well, we thought maybe you
and Archie were together.

I don't know.

Me with Archie bunker?

Why would I want to be with Archie bunker?

Why would any woman want
to be with Archie bunker?

Now, wait a minute, he happens
to be a wonderful man.

Now wait, Gloria, let's not exaggerate.

What?

Ma, ma, look who's here.

Oh, yeah, look, it's boom-boom.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why should you be any different? You know,

nobody ever remembers my real name.

Mildred...

Thank you.

"Boom-boom" Turner.

That's it. Goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute miss Turner, don't go.

Why, what's to keep me?

Well, uh, I was wondering if

you and me need to have

a woman-to-other-woman talk?

Uh, ma, no, we were, we were wrong.

Archie--Archie and, uh, miss
Turner were never together.

Really, oh, I'm so glad.

Believe me, so am I.

Oh, ma.

Why are you looking like that?

Daddy's not with boom-boom.

I know, Gloria.

But if he was with boom-boom,
I'd know where he was.

This way,

where is he?

Why, ain't this fun?

(Male narrator) Next week
on all in the family.

...so gloomy and I was missing Archie.

And now he's coming home
and we're having a party.

[Whooping]

When is Archie going to get home?

Who cares?

George!

? Who cares if the sky

? starts to fall into the sea ?

[All laughing]

Edith, I think you have had enough.

Oh, no.

You can't fly on one leg.

You know, I've been trying
to do this all day.

Now I'm going to really do it. Watch.

Oh!

(Male narrator) Be sure to join
us next week for Archie's return.

(Male narrator) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.
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