All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 6 - Archie's Helping Hand - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

Edith!

Hey, Edith.

[Sighs]

"Dear Archie, if you get home before me,

"there won't be nobody home.

"Me and Irene went to a
women's club meeting.

Love, Edith." What a pip.

No beer.

What in the...

Another note.

"Dear Archie, there is no beer

"'cause I haven't been to the market yet.



"But if I get home first,
there'll be plenty of beer

and you won't find this note."

Come on in, Irene.

Whoo-hoo! Anybody home?

Yeah, I'm home.

Oh, Archie, you're home.

Yeah, I'm home. Are you home?

Yeah, I'm home.

Did you get my notes?

Yeah, but I can't eat
or drink notes, Edith.

I'd say hello, Archie, but I
know you'd rather hear goodbye.

Oh, so long, fare thee well,

aribaduche, take your pick.

Now which bag is the beer in, Edith?

Oh, I forgot to buy it.

That's 'cause you was with Irene.

I'll go right back down to the store.

No, don't, Edith. I've got some beer.

I'll bring it over. Oh.

No, Irene, you shouldn't bother.

Why, no bother at all!

That's what neighbors are for.
Thank you very much, Irene.

Thanks, Irene.

Dinner's all ready. I
just have to heat it up.

Yeah, but ain't you a little
bit ashamed of yourself?

What for?

What do you mean, what for?

Ain't you a little sorry you
wasn't here when I got home

so as you could see me?

Oh, yeah!

I'm sorry about that.

But the women's club meeting
was so interesting.

You know I don't like you
hangin' out with Irene.

Oh, yeah, but it's so lonely for her

since Frank is away so much.

And she ain't had much luck gettin' a job.

And I know how she feels.

Remember, when I was job-hunting?

Yeah, I hated it.

Yeah, I know.

At the meeting, Mrs. strickland...

Oh, I mean, Ms. strickland,

the chairperson--

Ms., Ms., Ms.

I hate that "Ms." it sounds like a bug.

Well, anyway, Ms. strickland says that

women are being kept out of lots of jobs

because they ain't got equal rights.

Well, you know what Ms. strickland
was talking in 2 words,

crapola.

No! We talked about a lot of other things,

besides equal rights.

Did you talk about runnin' a house?

No. Look, they gave these
out at the meeting.

[Groaning]

"Are you being fulfilled?"

Am I gonna get my dinner?

Well, let me read you some of this.

[Groaning]

"To the world, you're a woman.

"To your husband, you're a housewife.

"To your child, you're a mother.

"But ask yourself,

'who am I to me?'"

why should you ask yourself
who you are to you,

when you can ask me who you are to me?

Who am I?

The dingbat.

What is the matter with the way

you're running your life here anyway, huh?

It's the world's oldest
profession, runnin' a house.

Archie.

Is that all I am to you?

A cook, a cleaning lady,

and a sex object?

[Groaning]

Here comes Irene.

Now don't be talking about personals
and sexuals in front of her.

Irene. Room service.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, Irene. Uh,
uh, by the way, uh, Irene,

I--I don't want Edith
going to no more of them

crackpot meetings, excuse me.

Archie, a woman has a right to grow.

And she doesn't have to
be chained to a house.

When I was 19 years old,

I drove a tractor for my Uncle.

He even taught me how to lay bricks.

Oh, what a useless thing to teach a girl.

It was very useful. I built an outhouse.

That is man's work.

Maybe it was a lady's outhouse.

Archie, don't you understand?
Edith is like a flower.

A late bloomer who's just
beginning to blossom.

Irene, that's beautiful!

That stinks.

You wanna bloom, Irene,
then go ahead and bloom,

but do it in your own pot, huh?

Archie, the women's club
only meets once a week.

Look, Irene, you wanna do
something useful? Listen.

Edith tells me you've been
out lookin' for a job.

"Lookin'" is right.

It's almost hopeless trying
to find anything these days.

Well, I wouldn't say, uh, hopeless.

Uh, not if you got, uh, a
little pull, you know?

Uh, like, uh, old lady
daly, the bookkeeper's job

is openin' up down at my plant.

Oh, my!

Is Mrs. daly finally retiring?

No, she ran away with a Greek.

Are you saying that maybe
they'd hire Irene?

Well, uh, can you handle ledgers and that?

Yeah, I can even balance 'em.

I've done accounting.

Well, great, then. Why don't
you come down to the plant,

11:00 in the morn, I'll personally
introduce you to personnel manager.

Oh, that's great.

Archie, I don't know what to say.

That'll be terrific. Yeah.

Thank you.

All right, jeez, Irene. Take it easy.

Don't do that when you see
me down at the plant, huh,

'cause kissin', that...

It ain't allowed, it's against
the health code or somethin'.

All right, I won't.

I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah.

Bye. Yeah, yeah.

Bye. And good luck.

Thank you.

Oh, Archie.

That was so nice.

Yeah, dinner, dinner, dinner.

I hope Irene gets the job.

It'll bring a little extra
money into her house.

Yeah. Keep a pain in the
neck out of my house.

You know, there's some really
good stuff in here, ma.

I think I'll go with you to your
next women's club meeting, huh?

I'm afraid you'll have
to go to my next meeting

without me.

Archie don't want me to go no more.

Oh, ma, you'll never change.

Whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.

Not always.

Just tell me once when
he didn't get his way.

Just once.

When he wanted a boy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's mentioned that
to me once or twice.

He's mentioned it to me a lot.

Oh, but that don't mean he
don't love you, Gloria.

I know, ma.

All the while that I was carrying you,

Archie would say to me,

"keep thinking boy, keep thinking boy."

So, that's what I did.
I kept thinking, "boy,

boy, boy."

Even on the way to the delivery room,

I kept thinking, "boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Do I want a girl!"

And there you was.

Ta-da!

Hey, ma, d-does Archie know about this?

Oh, no. That's the only secret
that I've kept from Archie.

? [Archie singing]

And don't you tell him, neither.

? Around a flag pole

? I love you, dear

(Gloria) Hi, daddy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
(Edith) Oh, Archie.

What about Irene?

Oh, yeah. Did you get her in
to see the personnel manager?

Little girl, just like that.

I happen to be in very strong with
Mr. Sanders' private secretary,

a miss horowitz there.

Who, when she was collecting for the israels
last year, I pledged her half a buck.

Yeah, but did Irene get the job?

Well, listen. I done the
best I could for her.

We don't know. We have to wait for
the news till she comes home.

Oh, I hope she gets it.

Still, I'll miss her around here.

It'll be like losin' a friend.

Yeah, that's the idea.

[Doorbell ringing] I'll get it.

Irene.

I got the job.

[All exclaiming]

That's so nice. I know.

What am I hugging you for? I
should be hugging Archie.

Easy, Irene, in front of the family.

That's really great news, Irene.

Yeah, well, when do you start?

Tomorrow morning.

Oh, Archie, I can't thank you enough.

That's ok. So you're taking over
old lady daly's ledgers, huh?

No, that job was filled.

Then they checked over my qualifications

and they found out that I
have a mechanical aptitude

they can use.

Yeah, you are kind of mechanical.

So what, they're gonna put you
on a mimeograph machines?

No.

Let me guess. Uh, the switchboard operator.

Nope, I'm an on-the-job trainee,

and I'm gonna run a forklift.

What a terrific job!

A woman on a--

shut up, will you?

You're gonna run--

a forklift.

Where?

On the loading platform, with you.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, arch.

[Chuckling]

[Groaning]

Oh, hello, Archie.

How was your day?

My day was lousy.

Oh. Why?

Because your friend, Irene, was in my day.

Just like she's been in all the other days.

5 of them all week long.

And to make matters worse,
comin' home on the subway,

she comes with me, you see.

There's only one seat
left, and she grabs it.

I had to stand all the way home.

What the hell am I standin' for now?

(Gloria) Hi, mom.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Oh! Hey, daddy.

Hey, how did Irene do at work today?

[Sputtering]

What was that for?

It's for Irene.

She's got all the guys
in an uproar down there.

They don't know what to do.

I mean, they can't be themselves.

They're all inhabited.

You mean "inhibited."

That's what I said.

No, you said "inhabited."

The word is "inhibited."

I learned it at the women's club meeting.

It came up a lot when they was
talking about their husbands.

But I'm talking about Irene.

I never should have opened up my
mouth about gettin' her a job.

And I never meant to get her
a job as no forkliftress.

One of the guys on the job,
petey Anderson was very hurt.

Oh, my! Did Irene run into him?

No, no, listen to me.

Petey Anderson put in for that job.

He was sorer than hell when a woman got it.

All the guys were sore.

[Doorbell ringing]

If I never clap my eyes on
the Irene lorenzo again,

I'm telling you it'll be too soon.

Ah, holy cow. I can't
do nothing right today.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Irene. How is it going?

Oh, just great.

You know, Edith, coming home tonight,

I felt as if I had really
accomplished something.

Yeah, you accomplished the
last seat on the subway.

Listen, Archie, I'm just busting with ideas

about how to improve things
on the loading platform.

[Groaning]

Don't you want to hear about it?

Yeah, sure, I can hardly wait.

Yeah, tell us.

Well, look, if we built a ramp

up to the loading platform,
I could drive right up

and pick the load right up off the truck.

One move instead of two.

That's wonderful.

That's a terrific idea, Irene.

There's, uh, there's something
wrong with it, though, you know?

(Irene) What?

That one move you'd be cutting out there.

Yeah?

That's my job.

Listen, I-I-I've got some other ideas.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what,

why don't you do what all the men
do with all their bright ideas.

They drop them in the suggestion box.

Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?

You know where the men's toilet is?

Yeah.

There's 3 of them in there.

I get the idea.

Maybe I better cool it for a little while.

Yeah, you better cool it for a while.

Well, I'd better get home.

I got to do my hair and nails
for work in the morning.

Bye, Irene.

Bye.

I think we'd better eat dinner now.

I never thought I'd live to see the day.

Hair and nails on a forklift.

Daddy?

Yes?

[Sputtering]

[Phone ringing]

Was that the phone?

No. It's the good humor
man, runnin' in the house.

Hello.

Oh, hi there, stretch. What's up?

No, listen, listen, listen to me.

Listen, I keep telling you,

I can't go up to Sanders'
office and have her fired.

I got her the job.

No, no, you're just gonna
have to handle that yourself.

Yous guys, will all get
up a petition there.

No, I can't sign it.

She's my wife's friend
and she's a neighbor.

Now, listen. Get that petition.

And you get it signed, yeah?

And then you elect some
sucker to take it upstairs.

What do you mean, congratulations?

Could I see you a minute,
Mr. Sanders, there?

Oh, sure, bunker. Come on in.

Hey, you're just the man I wanted to see.

Bunker, we got a troublemaker down
there on your loading platform.

That's what I wanted to see
you about, Mr. Sanders.

This Mrs. lorenzo who is--

yeah, that's it. That's it.

I hear somebody's walking
around with a petition

to get your Mrs. lorenzo fired.

When I find out who that troublemaker is,

I'll burn his butt.

The equal opportunity employment commission

has been after us for months

to put a woman in one of
our skilled labor jobs.

Well, we finally found
just the right woman,

thanks to you, bunker.

And now some jerk is trying to
foul us up with a stupid petition.

Hey, you're losing something there, buddy.
Oh, thanks.

Tell me, you know who this jerk is?

Uh, well, I couldn't-- I don't
think I could put my finger on it.

Just what do the men have
against Mrs. lorenzo?

Aside from the fact she's a woman?

Well, you see Mr. Sanders,
that's the whole beef.

I mean, a woman down there on the loading
platform makes a lot of trouble, you know?

For instance, we only got
one toilet down there.

So Mrs. lorenzo, she goes to the toilet,

I got to take a man off the job to watch.

Watch what?

Oh, see. The lock on the
toilet door is busted, see?

And we don't want nobody to
walk in on her by accident.

Well, that's no problem. We'll
just get the lock fixed.

That's good executive
thinking, Mr. Sanders.

If the men have time for stupid complaints.

Maybe the solution is to let the men go,

and fill all their jobs with women.

Oh, no, I don't think you
want to do that, Mr. Sanders.

'Cause whoever this trouble maker is,

he's just making a whole lot of noise.

You know the old saying,

"sleeping dogs bark the loudest."

Bunker, I want this harassment
of Mrs. lorenzo stopped.

We can't afford to lose her.

Having a woman down on the loading
dock makes the union happy,

it makes the department of labor happy,

and it makes the federal government happy.

And since our business depends on
government contracts, it makes me happy.

It should make you happy, too.

Oh, I'm delirious, Mr. Sanders.

I'll go down and get the lock
on the toilet fixed right away.

Now, look, look, bunker. You
the foreman down there or not?

Yeah, I am.

All right, then act like one!

I want you to talk to your men down there.
Lean on 'em good.

Yes, sir. And one more thing.

If you see this petition
floating around, grab it.

Oh, oh, that's as good as
in my pocket, Mr. Sanders.

[Grunting]

Oh, hello, Archie.

Archie, did Irene come
home with you tonight?

No, I lost her on the subway.

Oh, that's too bad.

I ditched her in a crowd of puerto ricans.

Archie, Irene called me up this morning

and she sounded like she'd been crying.

She said that somebody down there

had started a petition to get her fired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who would want to do a
rotten thing like that?

How the hell do I know? I
just do my work there.

Obviously started by
some chauvinistic moron.

Hey, hey, hey, little girl.

Just cause a guy don't want to work with
the dames is no reason to call him names.

Uh-oh.

That's a rotten statement.

You started that petition, didn't you?

I did not start no petition.

Oh, but you were in on it.
Look at your face.

How can I look at my face?
Is my face double-jointed?

Come on! All of yous leave me alone here.
You, get me some beer.

Can't a man walk into his home

without being surrounded by his family?

Will you get me that beer?

First, I want to hear you say you had
nothing to do with that petition.

[Exclaims]

[Doorbell ringing]

That's the front doorbell, Edith?

[Doorbell continues ringing]

That's the front doorbell again, Edith?

You want one of your neighbors
to drop dead on your doorstep?

All right. I'll get it.

Get away from me, you.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, Irene, the family!

I was gonna do that on the subway,

but somehow I got lost in the crowd.

Do you know what this
wonderful little gubbins did?

He killed that petition.

Archie? (Irene) Yeah.

Yeah, can't you tell by my face?

Oh, Archie.

Oh, I'm sorry, daddy.

Michael, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

Irene, are you sure it was
Archie who killed the petition?

Are you kidding? He was a tiger.

He told the men to stop bugging me and
to start treating me with respect.

He even sent a man to the
John with an eraser.

Yeah, that was stretch Cunningham.

Nearly broke his heart.

Some of his best sayings was on them walls.

I'm really proud of you, daddy.

Oh, yeah.

Guess I owe you an apology, arch.

Not to mention, 4 years room and board.

Irene, why don't you stay to dinner?

Thanks, I'd love it.

Archie, I know, feeling the
way you do about women,

it took a big person to do what you did.

Very true, Irene.

But I said to the guys,

"well, she's doing a man's job,
she's wearing men's clothes,

so when you see her in the
morning, just say, 'hi, fella.'"

gee, thanks, Archie.

The next step is to get them
to pay me like a fella.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, they're putting me
on regular next week,

but they are paying me less than they paid
the man who used to run the forklift.

Oh, well, come on, Irene.

After all, it's a well known fact,

men are worth more than women.

Archie, have you been reading playboy?

No, Irene, the Bible.

The Bible?

The Bible.

And in the Bible it says,
"God made man his own image."

He made women after, from a rib.

A cheaper cut.

Oh, Archie!

I'm doing the same work as a man.

And if he was getting paid $6 an hour,

why should I get $5.50?

Because, Irene, you-- you're gettin' what?

You're gettin'--

you're getting' $5.50 an hour?

Archie, that's exactly
what they're paying you.

Like they're paying me!

There goes your rib theory.

And there goes the whole country, meathead.

When you see the day that they are
giving women the same pay as men,

and giving women the same jobs,

where in the hell is it all going to end?

What are you gonna say when a
woman is managing the mets?

I'll say we have equality, right?

(Both) Right.

Right, Michael?

Let's think about that a minute.

Yeah, yeah.

And while you're thinking
about it, think about this.

Equality is unfair.

(All) What?

That's right.

What's the point of a man
working hard all his life,

trying to get someplace,

if all he's going to do is wind up equal?

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.