All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 5 - Lionel the Live-In - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

(George) You gonna do what
I say now, you hear that?

(Louise) George, leave the boy alone.

You better leave me alone, woman.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

Oh, jeez.

[Archie groaning]

(George) We'll settle
this once and for all.

What is the matter with
them jeffersons over there?

I think they're havin' an argument.

You figured that out, huh?

Well, you see, they was yellin'.

I know they was havin'
an argument over there.



[Knocking] Sleep.

(George) Open that door now. You hear me?
Open that door!

Shut that mouth!

What time do you think it is over there?

It's 12:45.

Who the hell are you, the answer man?

I know the time,

[arguing] And so do the
jeffersons over there.

I oughta call the cops on them people.

Oh, married people got a right
to fight once in a while.

There's fights over there all the time.

It's like living next door
to Madison square garden.

Will youse pipe down there?

(Mike) Hey, arch, will you hold it down?

Gloria and I are trying to sleep.

It's only thing you ain't
tried in that room yet.

[George yelling] (Louise) George.

Let's get this over here, once and for all.

(George) I want to talk to you, Lionel.

If youse don't keep quiet over there,
I'm going to call the cops on you.

Hear that? Nothin'.

Them colored people are
all scared of the cops.

I'm glad they stopped.

[Archie grunting] I wonder
what they was arguin' about.

Oh, who knows? 1:00 in the mornin'
. Maybe he was in the mood, she wasn't.

In the mood for what?

Go to sleep, eh?

Oh. Oh!

I get it.

Ah!

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, what is that?

How am I ever going to get
any sleep in this house?

What's going on?

Well, it's the front door.

Answer man strikes again.

Wait a minute! I'll go with ya.

[Ringing continues]

...hell could be ringing the
bell this time of the night?

Oh, uh, don't open it
until you ask who it is.

Who is it? I mean, shut up.

Who is it there?

(Lionel) It's me. Lionel.

Lionel! Open the door.

What the hell do you think I'm doin'?

Lionel. Yeah, hi, Mr. bunker.
Hi, Mrs. bunker.

Yeah. Lionel, is somethin' wrong?

Oh, no. I just came over
to ask Mike a favor.

A favor at 1:00 in the mornin'?

Well, we noticed you were up.

But we wasn't up till your
old man started hollerin'.

Come in, Lionel. Don't pay
no attention to Archie.

He's always grumpy before he
gets his first cup of coffee.

Especially when my first cup of
coffee ain't due for 6 hours.

Lionel, what's goin' on?

Oh, look, pop and I had another
fight over Jenny, man.

And look, I'm goin' to a motel. Can
you lend me a couple of bucks?

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Doorbell rings] What is this, Halloween?

Louise. Oh, I am sorry about this.

Lionel, I want you to home now!

Is pop gonna stop talkin' about Jenny?

No, he's as stubborn as you are.

Oh, then I'm goin' to a motel.

Not at this hour, you're not. Look--

uh, lo-Louise, if you and Lionel take
the argument back to your house,

I can catch the rest of it
from my upstairs window.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it. Oh, jeez!

Oh, Mr. Jefferson, come in.

Your whole family is here.

All right, Louise, let's go home.

I'm not going without Lionel.

Well, I'm not goin' nowhere till
you stop talkin' 'bout Jenny.

And I'm not gonna be told what I can say.

Well, can I say somethin'?

Look, bunker, you stay outta this.
This is a private family argument.

Then why'd ya bring it over to my house?

Edith and me, we have our fights.

But we stay home. We don't go
out making guest appearances.

Lionel, let's go. We are
keepin' the bunkers up.

The bunkers ain't been
to sleep yet, Louise.

Let's go home. I'll make some coffee.

We can talk the whole thing over.

Why don't I make some coffee?

[Archie groans] Then you
could talk right here.

Why don't you make some sandwiches, too?

I'll see what we got.

You know somethin', Gloria?
Suddenly I'm hungry.

Yeah, me too.

What is this, new year's Eve?

I hope not. I'd hate to
think I spent it with you.

Look, pop, just tell me one thing. When
you gonna stop calling Jenny names?

When you stop goin' with her.

Can I make a suggestion here?

Bunker, I told you to stay outta this.
Why don't you go home?

I think you better go outta
the dry-cleaning business.

You're sniffin' too much of the benzine.

Man don't know whether he's home
or not at this hour of the night.

He's ready for the rubber room.

Edith, come on, do somethin', will you?

We got a Harlem slumber
party goin' on out there.

Archie, we gotta be good neighbors.

But we don't gotta run
an all-night diner here.

Look at this guy with his
head deep into the box.

Get outta there before you
frostbite your moustache.

Here, this looks good.

Oh, honey. Cold spaghetti! Aw.

That's all right. My stomach will
warm it up when it gets down there.

Why did you have to open your
mouth about coffee and eats?

Edith, I gotta get my shut-eye.

Well then, daddy, why
don't you go back to bed?

If I can't sleep with them
arguing in their house,

how am I gonna sleep with
them arguin' in my house?

You always said that during the war,

you could sleep with the noise of
bombs and guns all around you.

Yeah, but nobody was arguin'.

Look, pop. She's my girlfriend,

and it don't make me no
difference if her father's white.

Well, it should. Half white and half black.

What does that make her? A zebra.

Oh, see?

I don't want no daughter-in-law
that's a zebra.

Why not? She don't mind a
father-in-law who's a jackass.

(Archie) Hey, hey, hey!

That was a beautiful shot, Louise.
I heard it all the way out here.

Look, you listen, bunker. I don't--

now, why don't you listen to me?
I met that girl Jenny.

I think she's a very nice girl.
Ain't that enough for you?

I ain't got nothin' against the girl.

No, see, it's her parents. One
of them's the wrong color.

Well, I know that, but her father's white.

Look, let me straighten you out, right now.

George, I wanna go home bye.

You ain't gonna stop Lionel, anyhow.

I mean, I couldn't stop my
daughter and look who she married.

She told me she was in love with the guy,
I had to welcome her with open arms.

You mean yellin' mouth! That's all
you ever do is yell at the poor guy.

Everybody knows how you treat the guy.

That ain't so, I treat
him almost like a son.

Thank you, dad.

Don't mention it, meathead.

See? There you go. Already
you're bad-mouthin' him.

Just let me hear you tell him you love him.

Oh, come on, will ya?

(George) Go on! Tell him.

Love is never having to say it, right, dad?

The meathead is right.

Well, look. Mom's right.
We're keeping you up.

Mike, about that loan. Could you
make it $10 for a couple of days?

Oh, sure Lionel. Gloria, you got $10?

Yeah, I'll get my purse.

Oh, no, wait, Gloria.

I don't want Lionel out at this hour
of the night looking for a motel.

Look, mom. I got no choice. I
ain't goin' home with him.

Hey, Lionel. Why don't you
sleep here on the couch?

Yeah. Archie wouldn't
mind, would you, Archie?

[Archie scoffing] No, he wouldn't mind.

Look, if my son sleeps
on that couch tonight,

honky here burns it in the mornin'.

Don't be ridiculous. Now, I'm gonna
prove to you that you are wrong.

Lionel can sleep on that
couch if he wants to,

but he wants to go to a motel.

See? That's the bunker hospitality.

He's inviting you to sleep on
the couch, because he knows

you won't stay where you ain't wanted.

What do you mean he ain't wanted?

I just said it, didn't I? He can
stay here as long as he wants.

Thanks, Mr. bunker. I accept.

What happened to the motel?

You said he could stay here.

Uh,

Lionel, I'll get you sheets and a blanket.

O.K. You can sleep with your honky family,

you can marry your zebra, you can
live in a zoo for all I care.

Come on, Louise. I want you home.

He thinks he wants me home.

But when I get home,

he's gonna wish I wasn't home.

'Cause I'm gonna kill him.

Lionel's marrying a girl with stripes?

Here's the coffee!

Where's George and Louise?

Oh, they fought it all
out, and then they left.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, yeah, well, it's all right.

We got custody of the kid.

Here's your breakfast, Lionel.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. bunker.

Archie! Yoo hoo! Your
breakfast is ready, yoo hoo!

Please, stop that. You sound
like an air raid alarm.

Well, I didn't want 'em to get cold.

I thought you'd be the first
one down for breakfast.

How can I be the first
one down for breakfast

when I'm the last one into the toilet.

Mornin', Mr. bunker.

Oh, hi there, meathead.

Oh, uh, you're there, Lionel.

Uh, yeah, Edith,

[whispering] In the kitchen.

Excuse us, Lionel.

Get over here.

Why is he still in his robe?

Oh, that ain't his robe. It's Mike's.

I mean, why didn't you get him dressed?

Oh, I think he's too big for that.

I mean, why ain't he on his way home?

Oh, he ain't goin' home until
his father apologizes to him.

I feel sorry for the
jeffersons this morning.

Having breakfast over there without Lionel.

What are you talkin' about? They
got the best of both worlds.

They got a son, they got the
neighbors feedin' that son.

Bring me out my coffee.

Yeah, right away.

Oh, hi there, Lionel.

Oh, hi, Mr. bunker.

Uh, do you always have a big pile
of bacon in the morning, Lionel?

Yeah, I like bacon, Mr. bunker.

And how many eggs?

Usually, no more than 3.

3, huh? And all that bacon, huh?

Here's your coffee. Yeah.

Listen, Mr. bunker, I'm not going
to impose on you any longer.

It ain't imposing, Lionel.

Don't argue with the guest.

I appreciate your letting me stay over,

but I'm gonna go stay with
some friends of mine.

What are friends for, Lionel?

Well, you might as well stay here.

We're your friends too, you know.

He's got way better friends than us.
We're only white.

Listen, if you wanna phone your friends,

this is the best time to phone
'em when the phone ain't busy.

It's the best time, Mr. bunker.

I'll do that right now.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Oh, jeez, who's comin' to the house now?

Don't people never stay in their
homes of a Sunday no more?

Oh, hello, Louise.

Good morning, Edith.

Oh, here's Lionel.

Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?

Lionel, I'm so glad you're up.
I want you home.

No, mom, I'm gonna stay with some friends.

Lionel, you might as well stay here.

That way your mother won't worry.

You'll be right next door.

Edith, you're a doll. How did
we find neighbors like you?

You moved outta Harlem.

There's no answer. Mom, you gotta
give me some money for a motel.

No motel, Lionel

now, you gonna stay here with Archie and
Edith until I straighten your father out.

It can only take a few days.

What do you say, Mr. bunker?

I need some kinda pill.

Lionel, I think that means it's all right.

O.K. I'll stay a while. Is there
any more bacon, Mrs. bunker?

Oh, sure! It's in the kitchen.
Help yourself.

I'll go get some of your clothes, dear.

Don't forget his toothbrush.

And any spare bacon you have in the house.

Thanks again, Edith.

Don't worry. We'll take good care of him.

"We're gonna take good care of him."

Take good care of him?

We might as well adopt him.

Oh, we couldn't do that 'cause
both his parents are livin'.

Listen, Edith. I'm expecting a
couple of guys here this afternoon

to play pinochle.

What are they gonna say, they walk in
and see Lionel layin' around here?

They'll think the bunker home
is your ol' Kentucky home.

What--what?

I mean, these card players,

the only spades they wanna
see is in the deck.

Well, then, they're very dumb men.

And you can tell 'em so.

Shush.

I'll have a little man-to-man
talk with him, here.

Go on, in the kitchen, in the kitchen.

Uh, Lionel, uh,

if you got a minute, I'd like to have
a--a, what you call it, word with you.

Yeah, sure. What is it, Mr. bunker?

Well, first of all, you're in my chair.

Uh, Lionel, I--I was watching an old movie

on T.V. the other night,

that kinda put me in mind of your
situation with your old man.

Yeah. What movie is that?

The jazz singer, with Al jolson.

It was about this Jewish guy who
always wanted to pass as colored.

You never see that?

No, but it sounds like it
was way ahead of its time.

Well, it was. It was, uh,
it was the first talkie.

Well, anyway, uh, in--in
the jazz singer there,

this jolson family,

see, they're the very strictly
religious kind of Jews.

They're the, what you
call, the orthodox Jews.

They're the kind-- the kind who
start praying to God on Friday

to get a 2 day jump on the rest of us.

Well, does it work, Mr. bunker?

No, no way. God don't listen
to nothin' till Sunday.

That's good. Yeah.

Well, anyway, in this picture, see,

ol' man jolson

is one of 'em, what you call, cantors.

That's the singin' guy that
sings in the temple there, see?

And he wants his son to
follow in his footprints.

But the young jolson, he
didn't want to do that, see?

He wants to go on passing as colored.

So he has a big argument with the old man.

And he leaves home.

The old man sings a Jewish song, and dies.

You get the point of this story?

You mean I shouldn't try
to pass as colored.

No, that--that ain't-- that
ain't the point, there, Lionel

no, what I'm tryin' to say is, ol' man
jolson is like your old man, you know?

Now your old man, he's sittin'
over there, he wants you home,

he can't figure out how to get you back.

Oh, wow, Mr. bunker. My father never
took the time to talk to me like you do.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. Anything at all, Lionel.

Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?

Well, I'll tell you, Lionel,

I think it's against the law.

O.K. Mr. bunker, well I'm a
go upstairs and get dressed.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause if you're
goin' home, you know,

it would be best not to leave
this house in your bath robe.

Oh, but I ain't goin' home.

Huh?

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, what do you mean?

Lionel, Lionel, we just
had a man-to-man here.

I told you that whole jolson story.

You didn't learn nothin' from that?

Yeah, pop don't lay off Jenny,
then I ain't goin' home,

and he's goin' to sing
a Jewish song and die.

Did you and Lionel have a man-to-man talk?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Doorbell rings] What happened?

He made me his Uncle.

Oh, look at this guy. With a suitcase!
What, are you movin' in too?

Hell, no, this is Lionel's suitcase.

I wanna get him outta
here as soon as possible.

He wants to stay in a motel,
here's the money to pay for it.

I don't want him askin' for
nothin' from this house.

If my son wants to run
away, I can afford it.

Don't pay him any attention, Archie.
He's crazy.

What the-- he's not going to any motel.

He's stayin' here.

He ain't gonna shame me by stayin' here.

Louise, I think your husband's right.

George, I want you to apologize to our son.

We don't have a son, Louise.

But don't worry, we can
start all over again.

You can give me another boy.

You better call parcel post.

'Cause I've stopped makin' deliveries.

I don't wanna hear this.

Lionel is upstairs. Would you
like me to call him down?

We don't know any lionels.

From now on, it's just me and weezy.

And, don't you be too sure of weezy!

If you'd like some coffee,

I got some left over
from last night's fight.

Will you stop pushin' coffee on people?

Now, listen, Jefferson,
why don't you wise up?

You're gonna have a beautiful
daughter-in-law there, you're a lucky guy!

Yeah, the same luck that
moved me next door to you.

What a prejudiced man.

Never mind the coffee, Edith.
We'll be going.

Since George is too pig-headed
to make up with Lionel.

Lionel who?

Lionel, who's gonna quit
college and marry his girl,

if you don't get off his back.

And you know what happens to blacks with
no education and looking for a job.

They are last on the list.

No, they ain't. The puerto ricans are last.

He's right, Louise. The
puerto ricans are last.

Only, they don't know it, 'cause
they can't read the list.

All right. Now give me back
my money that you ripped off.

No, I need it. For what?

I'm going to a motel.

No way, I'm not gonna--

now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Jefferson, wait a minute.

Watch this. Jefferson,
Jefferson, before you go,

would you give me a hand with somethin'?

Say what?

It'll only take you a couple of minutes.
See, what I wanna do is,

I wanna move a rollaway bed from
my cellar, up into the attic.

See, Lionel wasn't very comfortable
on the couch last night.

You mean you're gonna keep
him here, in your attic?

Yeah, why not? That's a nice attic up there.
I had a cousin died up there.

And we'd enjoy havin' Lionel stay up there.

Yeah, sure, I mean, me and
Edith, we kinda sorta thought

we--we-- you know, we'd, uh,
we'd, uh, we'd adopt him, see?

Uh, I love watchin' the boy eat.

I'll be his dad.

First a zebra girlfriend,
then a honky daddy?

Hey, you can throw that
out your mind, bunker.

Lionel! Come on down here now!
I wanna talk.

Yeah, yeah, what is it, pop?

Go get your things, we're goin' home.

Oh, I don't have no home, remember?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Lionel.
Easy, easy.

Your ol' man come over to apologize, now.
You gotta hear him out.

See? Go ahead, go ahead,
say some more of this.

Say somethin' nice and polite, that you
could all get the hell outta here.

Look, don't be tellin'
me what to say, bunker.

Well, he don't have to apologize.
Just stop callin' Jenny "zebra."

He ain't gonna call her "zebra" no more.

Promise that you won't make
up no new names to call her.

He ain't gonna do that no more.

What are you, a ventriloquist dummy?

Look, I got a mouth.

I can say I'm sorry to
my son with my own mouth

when I'm wrong. Well,
then go ahead, will you?

Uh.

Lionel,

I know I was a little rough on Jenny,

now, that's a nice start.

And I'm willin' to let her father be white.

Oh, now, now, come on, Lionel!

That's pretty big, there.

Huh? You gotta turn around
and be a little big, too.

After all, the man's taken a
chance on striped grandchildren.

Well, that did it.

Now I really wanna go home.

Pop, let's go.

Right. There, there, that's the way.

Listen, Mr. bunker, Mrs. bunker,
thanks for everything, here.

(Edith) Oh, you're welcome, Lionel.

Weezy, grab the bag.

Yeah, Louise, the bag, the bag.

Thanks for everything, Edith.

Oh, you're welcome. It was our pleasure.

So long, Archie. Yeah, yeah,
and--and--and listen, uh,

don't fight no more there, huh, weezy?

Come on over here, and
finish your breakfast.

Oh, jeez. About time, Edith.

Ain't it nice we could help
Lionel and his father make up?

What do you mean "we"? You didn't do nothin'.
I did everything.

I used a little, uh, what
do you call, diplomacy.

See what that is, Edith?

That's when you get somebody to
do somethin' he don't wanna do

by promisin' him to do somethin' that
you ain't got no intention of doing.

Oh.

You know somethin', Archie?

You could be another Henry kissinger.

Hold it. Hold it, hold it, Edith.

I got enough problems without being a hebe.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.