All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 4 - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

(Both) ? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

bills, bills, bills.

Oh, look at this.

She's got a receipt in here from 1957.

Hey, arch.

Hey.

Anything new with the strike?

It's getting older, that's what's new.

Yeah, well, you're luckier
than a lot of people.

At least when this thing is over,
you got a job to go back to.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, have you seen the
latest unemployment figures?

I'm looking at an unemployment
figure right now.



Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm
doin' the best I can. I'm workin'.

Oh, yeah, gee, I forgot. You got a job.
$22 a week. Ain't that great?

And Gloria's workin', too.

And your mother-in-law's workin', too.

Between all three of you,
you're making enough money

to keep us just a little behind.

This goes on for another week,

I'm gonna have to run down to the bank

and take out a second
mortgage on the house.

What, at today's interest rates?

Listen, the high interest
rates will come down

when the inflation comes down.

And president Ford promised
to bring down the inflation

no matter what it costs.

Yeah, I heard that.

That was right around the
time he asked congress

to give Nixon a few $100,000
to tide him over till June.

You know, you ain't got
no heart in you at all.

There's the poor man out in California.

He's out of a job.

He's got that big house to
maintain in San clemencie.

What about the rest of the people
in this country, huh, arch?

Ford promised, no more
secrets, no more surprises.

What does he do? He turns
around and pardons Nixon.

He done that under direct
orders, buddy boy.

From who?

God.

What?

You heard the man explainin' himself.
He was in church.

God said to him:

"Before you go out and play
them 18 holes this afternoon,

I really think you ought to
pardon Richard e. Nixon."

It would be nice if God could
tell him how to fix the economy.

God don't think about the economy,
you atheist dumbbell, you!

God thinks about mercy and wrath.

Things like money and inflation,
that ain't God's game.

God leaves that to the experts down here.

[Doorbell ringing]

There's the bell.

It's somebody probably coming in the door

and the first thing they got to see is you.

Hi, Archie.

Hiya, stretch. What're you doin' here?

Oh, I had to come this way. I'm
visitin' a friend in the neighborhood.

Yeah, who? You.

[Both laughing]

That's a classic, never fails.

Come on in, stretch,
come on in, come on in.

Hey, I want you to meet my
son-in-law here, Mike stivic.

Mike, this is the famous
stretch Cunningham,

the funniest man in the world.

How are you, stretch? Archie's
told me a lot about you.

Yeah, he's told me a lot
about you, too, meathead.

Thanks a lot. Don't mention it.

Ah, no, listen, you got some swell
guy here for a father-in-law.

Yeah, me and him make a great team
down at the loadin' platform.

Stretch and arch, put 'em
together, you got "starch."

You get it? A couple of stiffs.

Come on, come on, stretch, sit
down, sit down, sit down.

Yeah, but, oh, not my chair.
Sit over there. Oh.

Well, well, well, well, what's new?

What's new?

Didn't you hear what that dumb
strike committee just done?

No, what? It turned down another offer.

Without even asking us. Oh!

I thought you gave them the
power to negotiate for you.

Sure, to negotiate. But
not to turn things down.

Not to turn things down.

We had a perfectly good
wage offer last week.

But them young hotheads down
there, they wanna hold out

for that escalator cost-of-living clause.

Arch, the cost-of-living escalator
clause is the most important thing.

Why?

What good is gettin' a raise
if prices keeps going up?

Oh, yeah? And what if prices go down?

That means the old escalator
goes down with them?

And that means that we got to take a cut?

Uh-uh, not on your sweet Petunia.

Not on your sweet... What was that?

Petunia. Yeah, Petunia.

Well, while you two flowers are
figuring out the strike situation,

I'm going upstairs.

You're wastin' your time,
she ain't home yet.

Hey, listen, arch, I'll
tell you why I've come.

Yeah.

A bunch of the guys don't like the way

the strike's being handled, see?

So they got together on their own

to call a meeting for the whole membership.

And when we do, they want the
guys who think the right way,

you know, like you and me, to
be there, what do you say?

Oh, stretch, you know you can count on me.

I can count on you? Ok, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Archie exclaiming]

What a witty guy.

Oh, hi, stretch.

Oh, hi there, Edith.

What are you doin' here?

Oh, I had to come over this way.

I'm visitin' a friend in the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah, Edith, Edith, wait till
you hear this one, will you?

Ask him who.

Who? You.

[Stretch and Archie laughing]

I know, it works every time.

Oh, it's a classic,
stretch, it's a classic.

Listen, uh, I got to be going.

I got to tell all the other guys
about the strike, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Listen,

you're welcome anytime
in this house, stretch,

because you're the funniest man
in this world barring none.

Yeah, they don't call me the Bob hope

of the loadin' platform for nothin', huh?

(Archie) See you later.

That's the funniest man in the world.

You know what we call him down at work?

The Bob... Well, you heard all that.
Give me the paper.

Archie, I just got home from work.

Ain't you gonna ask me how my day was?

Oh, listen to this.

How was you day?

Oh, wait a minute. You left somethin' out.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Edith. How was your day?

Much better.

I'm getting the hang of it.

And today I used the cash register

and made change for all the customers.

You on the cash register?

It must've been a jackpot
for the whole neighborhood.

No, I didn't make a single mistake.

Mr. Jefferson helped me.

Oh, my, he is so smart.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what
are you doing, Edith?

I'm tellin' you how my day was.

But, uh, where are you telling
me how your day was from?

Oh! Oh, get out of there.

"Mr. Jefferson was so smart."

Don't make him out to be no booker D.C.
Washington.

All he does is clean clothes.

You was telling me about
your first day in the store.

Well, when a customer--

and I don't wanna hear no more.

Ding-dong.

What?

Ding-dong.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

You sound like a bell.

Well, that's what I'm trying to
sound like, Edith, the dinner bell.

Don't that remind you of nothing?

Yeah, dinner.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, did you remember the casserole?

I shoved it into the oven at
4:00 and threw the switch on.

Oh.

Oh, hi, Gloria. Hi!

Did you have a nice day?

The usual. How was you day?

Oh, it was so excitin'.

I used the cash register
for the first time.

Ding-dong, Edith.

Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.

Excuse me, I got to get--

mom, wait a minute!

You don't have to jump every time he barks.

Oh, it's all right, Gloria. I don't mind.

Hi, mom. Hi, Gloria.

Hi, honey.

How was your day?

Oh, fascinatin'.

I used the cash register--

ding-dong, damn it, ding-dong!

Excuse me, I got to...

Ding-dong, ding-dong. I'm going.

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

How long has he been ringing like that?

Ever since he wanted his dinner.

I'll help you, mom.

Yeah, go help your mother, will you?

Now, listen, big shot,
it may be ok with you

if your wife goes out and works.

But it ain't ok if my
wife goes out and works.

Especially when the whole
household falls apart.

Arch, arch, look, I know
you're feelin' guilty

about being out of work
and ma workin' and all,

but can I say somethin' to you?

Well, can I say somethin' to you first?

Sure.

Don't say nothin' to me.

Come and get it.

Oh, all right.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

It's beef casserole.

Yeah. Nice to have some
meat for a change, huh?

Yeah, thanks to Mr. Jefferson
we're having it.

He gave me an advance yesterday.

Never mind Jefferson's advances.

Just dish out the food here.

How's your tutoring going, honey?

Oh, I like teaching, but it's so
hard getting through to this kid.

What's the matter? Is the kid dumb?

How would he know?

Well, he's not dumb. He's just like Archie.

He can't concentrate while he's awake.

Mmm, this is delicious.

We were so busy today, I didn't
have time to go out for lunch.

Mr. Jefferson says he
thinks I changed his luck.

Oh, don't say that.

He says Thursday is
usually a very slow day.

You know, we were really busy today, too.

And I like it that way,

'cause when you're busy the
time goes by really fast

and before you know it,
it's time to come home.

That's right, Gloria. When you're busy--

busy, busy, busy.

Can't we talk about
something else but busy?

What's the matter with you?

I just don't want to talk
about busy, that's all.

You never want to talk
about anything anymore.

Honey, honey, I think he's right.

Why--why don't we talk about somethin' else?
Yeah, control your wife, eh?

Ok, sure.

Uh, daddy, what would
you like to talk about?

Anything, anything.

Can I use your lunch box tomorrow?

If I pack a thermos of coffee
and a tuna fish sandwich,

I won't have to worry
about going out to lunch.

Let me out of here.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going down to kelsey's for a beer.

But what about your dinner?

I just remembered, Edith, I ain't hungry.

Well, wait a minute.

Ah, for what? For what? For what?

Do you want any money?

Edith.

Hey, Edith.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, how come you're awake?

I don't know.

Is anything the matter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't sleep.

And you want me to keep you company?

Well, as long as you're up anyhow.

Oh, all right.

I--I want to tell you that, uh,

I know I've been kind of mean
to you the last few days.

Oh, I didn't notice nothin' different.

It's just that I can't help it.

You know, it was the way I was brung up.

I mean, a wife out working
there for her husband,

jeez, that makes the husband look bad.

And that is, you know, the, what
you call, crotch of the situation.

Oh.

What, aside from all that,
Edith, I--I got to tell you that

between you and me and the lamp
post, you're doing pretty good.

Oh, Archie, thank you.

Oh, my, you need a haircut.

You're telling me. But
it's gonna have to wait

till the strike's over at $5 a throw.

No, it don't. I'll give you one.

You mean, now in the middle of the night?

Yeah, you can't sleep, anyway.

Here, you sit right down in this chair.

Yeah, well, all right, Edith,
go ahead, do your stuff.

Do you know anything about cuttin' hair?

Oh, sure.

Don't you remember?

When Gloria was a little girl,
I used to cut her hair.

Oh, yes, she was the funniest-looking
kid on union street.

Look, I still got the scissors.

Oh, jeez, Edith,

them look like they're for
cuttin' little trees.

Oh, no, they'll do just fine.

All you got to do is sit still.

Oh, don't worry, I ain't gonna move.

Now, how do you want it cut?

Without blood, Edith.

Just give it a little
trim up the back there

and when you come to an
ear, for God's sakes, stop.

Oh, your bald spot is gettin' bigger.

That ain't a bald spot up there.

That happens to be a birthmark.

Even when I was born, I
didn't have no hair there.

Anyway, that's a sign of brains.

Ever hear the old saying, "grass
don't grow on a busy street"?

And it don't grow in cement, neither.

That's another old saying.

Well, to hell with the old sayings.
Just cut the hair.

One thing I can't stand, is a Gabby barber.

I never give him a tip, either.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, it puts me
to mind that years ago,

my old man, once a month on a Saturday,

he'd get all of us, the three of us
boys, into a kitchen, there, see.

And he'd give us a haircut.
One chair, no waitin'.

And me being the oldest,
I was always first, see.

The old man used to warm up on me,

so I got the lousiest haircut of them all.

Yeah.

Boy, we didn't have much in them days.

But we was only kids, you know,
and so we didn't notice.

And we ain't kids no more, huh?

Damn right, we ain't.

That's the problem.

[Whirring]

What are you doin'? Vacuuming the linoleum?

What's the matter with that?

Don't you know that scratches the floor?

Well, I don't know about the
niloleum over there at your house,

but the niloleum we got here,

that's the expensive
kind that don't scratch.

You don't find linoleum like that no more.

Yeah, I guess you're right, bunker,

'cause I know I ain't seen it like this

since cotton-pickin' days.

What do you want, Jefferson?

Oh, one of my employees, a
Mrs. Edith bunker asked me

to give you this shopping list.

What do you mean? Shopping list for me?

Well, a woman's work is never done.

Funny, funny. Well, look, my
lunch is waiting, so I'll--

now, wait a minute

how come you come home for
lunch and Edith don't?

Well, I'm the boss, man. I
takes all the time I wants.

Bye.

Anybody home? Oh, hey, arch.

What are you doing
? Vacuuming in the kitchen?

Don't be stupid. You ain't supposed
to run a vacuum on niloleum.

Well, what's the vacuum cleaner doing here?

It likes me. It followed me in.

And what are you doin' home early?

Oh, I just had morning classes today.

Hey, look what I got here.

Jumbo salt pretzels. Huh?

Oh, look at that, a jumbo salt pretzel.

Hey, that gives you an excuse
for a beer break here.

Hey, uh, while you're there,
get me the mustard, will you?

Yeah, sure, hey, hey.

I ain't seen one of these
here for a long time now.

That was a good idea there, Mike.

Nice, huh? Yeah.

Well.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

What--what are you doing there?

I'm puttin' mustard on my pretzel.

I can see that, but why?

I like it that way.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

You ain't supposed to eat it that way.

Who says?

I said. Mustard is for hot dogs and that.

I never, in my whole life, seen a
human being put mustard on a pretzel.

Then you're in for a treat. Watch closely.

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Don't keep doin' it when
I'm talkin' to you.

You see the salt on the pretzel here?

That means the pretzels finished.

Done. It's ready to eat.

You ain't supposed to put
nothin' on top of the salt.

Arch, everybody has different tastes.

You know what president
Ford's favorite lunch is?

Cottage cheese with ketchup on it.

What the hell's the matter with that?

I mean, ketchup goes with anything.

Well, why don't you put
some on your pretzel?

'Cause that would be stupid.

[Phone ringing] And look at him here.
He's still doing it

even though I tell him not
to do it, he does it.

I hope you choke on it!

Hello? Oh, hi there, stretch.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, bye.

Hey, meathead. (Mike) Yeah, what?

Get out here, will you?

What is it?

When your mother-in-law comes home,

tell her I had to run
down to the union hall.

They're holdin' a special
meeting down there.

What, is there a break in the strike?
Uh, no such luck.

But there's gonna be a breaking of a
few heads unless we get what we want.

Uh, you got any money on you?

Yeah, sure. H-how much do you need?

How much you're holding?

About $15, $20.

Oh, that's enough. Here's a shoppin' list.
Go get that.

Do me a favor, huh? Just one favor.

For the rest of the time that you're
livin' with me in this house,

don't never let me see you do
that to a pretzel no more!

Gloria, will you look at this item?

Here, look what it says.
"New and improved."

Everything you buy now
today is new and improved.

What were we using before? Old and lousy?

[Chuckling]

(Edith) Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

(Gloria) We are, mom!

What is it?

Look what I got. My first paycheck.

Hey! Oh, boy!

Where's Archie? I wanna show him. Archie?

Uh, ma, he's not here. He had
to go to a union meeting.

What for? I don't know.

Lets see it. Oh, yeah.

"Pay to the order of Edith bunker

$63.28."

Ain't that beautiful?

Yeah, that's nice, ma.

Congratulations.

Whoop-Dee-doo! Whoop-Dee-doo!

Oh, look what I got.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Didn't you see me doin' a
"whoop-Dee-doo" over there?

You want to know what I'm
whoop-Dee-dooing about?

Yeah, but I got a whoop-Dee-doo, too.

This is my first paycheck.

No, in a minute. Wait, I got
more important news here.

What?

The strike is over!

[All exclaiming]

I'm so glad! When do you go back to work?

Start work tomorrow.

That's great, arch.

It happened all of a sudden, though.
What happened?

Oh, us old hands made them young
hotheads see a little bit of reason.

How did you do that?

We shouted them down.

We didn't let them get a word in wedgewise.

Archie, did you get a good raise?

Edith, a 3-year contract for 15%.

Arch, arch, what about the
cost-of-living escalator clause?

Oh, well, come on, to
hell with the escalator.

We're on firm ground with a 15% raise.
Now don't make me mad!

All I want to do now is
be happy and celebrate.

Edith, come on, get some of that
beautiful Morgan Davis wine, huh?

Oh!

? Blue skies smiling at me

? oh, nothin' but blue skies do I see ?

Oh, boy.

What's the matter, honey?

I didn't want to spoil his happy moment

but he's not any better off
now than he was before.

Well, of course, he is. He got a 15% raise.

Look, Gloria, remember reading in the paper

the cost of living went up 12% last year?

So?

So, next year, it's supposed
to go up another 8%.

That's 20%.

Archie thinks he's 15% ahead,
but he's already 5% behind.

Oh, Michael.

Open the door, open the door,
all right here, let's go.

Come on, come on.

Here we are.

Ok, pour yourselves and say when, go ahead.

Edith, I wanna propose a toast
to the good old U.S. of a.

Where everybody gets a slice of the pie.

All you gotta do is do your work.
And in the end, you get it.

That's right, arch.

That's when you're gonna
get it, in the end.

Clink, clink and clunk.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.