All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 3 - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glen Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

(Both) ? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

good morning, ma.

Good morning.

Well, what's the matter,
you got a headache?

Not yet.

These are for the one I'm gonna get.

Ma, don't be afraid. You're only
gonna be asking people for a job.

Oh, I ain't afraid of the askin'.
I'm afraid of the answers.

Ma, worrying is not gonna
help you find a job.

Now don't be so nervous.

Oh, I can't help it, Gloria.

I protected my underarms twice already.

Uh, the 2nd time I used Archie's deodorant.



The one with the brute strength.

But I still feel weak everywhere else.

Ma, when you walk into those offices

you gotta say to yourself,
"I'm gonna get that job."

Do you understand what I'm saying, ma?

You--you gotta think positive.

Yeah, but why don't they think
positive and say, "we don't want you."

Ma, don't sell yourself short.

It ain't my height I'm worried about.

It's ju-just that I ain't done
this sort of thing for years.

25 years.

Well, maybe you should have. Maybe daddy's
being on strike is a blessing in disguise.

There ain't no blessin' in all
them bills that gotta be paid.

Heh, I remember daddy saying he thought
the strike would be over by the weekend.

Oh, yeah. That was 3 weekends ago.

Sometimes I think it will never end.

Oh, ma, don't worry. You're gonna
go out there and knock 'em dead.

You're gonna get a job just like that.

Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you're right.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

You made me feel better.

You see, all it takes is confidence.

Hey, who's been readin' the New York times?

Me. I've been readin' the help wanted ads.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't
get my hopes up too high, ma.

Yeah, the way the economy is goin',

it's not that easy to get a job.

Uh, Michael.

Well, it's true. Look at me. I've been
tryin' to get a part-time job for 3 weeks.

It's impossible.

Michael.

And I am a lot younger than ma.

Michael, shut up.

Ma-- I know, Gloria.

Positive thinking.

Oh, boy, you're a big help.

Well, I'm sorry. I--I
didn't mean anything by it.

Hey, uh, ma. Uh, I'm sorry. I really--
I really didn't mean anything.

Oh, that's all right, Mike.

How do I look? You look fine.

You don't think this
dress is too revealing?

I don't think I should look too sexy.

Don't worry, ma. You never do.

So what kind of job you lookin' for?

Well, somethin' that pays good,

but don't need no previous experience.

Have you thought about goin' into politics?

I'm gonna see about 3 clerkin' jobs

and then a receptionist.

That's what I think I'd like to do.
Receptin'.

Ma.

Did you see all the firms here that
are advertisin' for a girl Friday?

Oh, yeah, I saw them,

but one day's work wouldn't be enough.

I gotta get goin'.

You know what they say.

"The early bird catches the worm."

Yeah, and also leaves the house

before Archie finds out what it's doin'.

Oh, you figured that out, huh?

Well, wish me luck. Good luck, ma.

Go on, ma. You can do it.

Oh, my, I feel just like a teenager

when I first started goin'
out on job interviews.

Only now I can hold my head up.

Because of the self-confidence
I gave you, right?

No. Now I ain't got no pimples to hide.

Bye. (Gloria) Bye, ma.

She's really somethin'. After all
these years lookin' for a job.

Boy, she's quite a woman.

Yeah, isn't she?

Yeah. Almost makes up for your father.

I know, I shouldn't knock him.

After all he did one thing
that no other man could do.

He made you.

Oh, Michael, that's lovely.

Oh, look at this.

Come right off the picket
line into a massage parlor.

On the other hand, Gloria,
maybe you're adopted.

Was that your mother I just
seen gallopin' down the street?

Uh, probably.

Uh, Michael, would you
help me in the kitchen

with the grocery shopping list? Yeah, sure.

I promised ma I'd pick some up on the way home.
Wait, wait a minute.

Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't walk away from me
when I'm talkin' to you.

That was your mother
runnin' down the street.

Well, then what are you askin' me for?

Uh, butter. Got it.

Because I want to know
what the hell she's up to.

Uh, dozen eggs.

I yelled to her. She didn't
even look back at me.

Maybe she thought you were a mugger.

That's a thought.

Here's another thought.

[Razzing]

That reminds me, raspberries.

Don't be givin' me a headache on
top of the headache I already got.

This inflation and the unemployment.

I'm worried about goin' broke.

The whole country is
worried about goin' broke.

Not the defense industries.

Oh, there he goes rappin'
the Pentagon again.

Milk.

If it was up to youse liberals,
we would have no defense at all.

You don't want us to have nothin'.

No armaments, no navaments, nothin'.

You'd have us runnin' along the
beaches in our jockey shorts.

Tryin' to catch the Russian
missiles with butterfly nets.

Arch, this country has enough
bombs to kill the whole world

20 times over, so has Russia.

When we can kill it 30 times over,
we'll sleep peaceful at night.

Look at you, what do you want us to be?

Weak? Like Norway was in world war ii?

Arch, I am not saying we should eliminate

our defense budget altogether.

But this administration cut the
mass transit budget by half.

At least in Norway they had buses.

Ah, buses, buses. Sure, they had buses.

That's why the norways lost the war.

(Both) What?

That's right. When the Germans
come marchin' into their country,

they didn't know what was happenin'.

They was all ridin' on the buses.

Now, what is it with your mother?

Nothin'.

Gloria, we might as well tell him.

He's gonna find out sooner or later.

Come on, what? What? What?

She went lookin' for a job.

Oh, is that all?

You're not mad?

Why should I be mad?

I don't keep her under
lock and key around here.

Do I look like Simon McGee?

Let her go out anytime she wants.

Let her look for a job. She
ain't gonna find nothin'.

Oh, yeah. What makes you so sure?
Oh, come on, little girl.

There's 10 guys out there scratchin'
and clawin' for every job.

And as Leo durocher said,
"nice guys finish last."

What's that got to do with ma?

Did you ever see a nicer
guy than your mother?

Who's that comin' in now?

Oh, it's only me, Archie.

Oh, it's only you, Edith.

I'll get your dinner right away.

Yeah, get my dinner right away, huh?
Did you get the job?

No.

How did you know I was lookin' for a job?

Oh, jeez, Edith. It's in the papers.

Edith bunker out huntin' a job.

Governor declares New York a disaster area.

Oh, Archie. It was awful.

[Sighing]

I had to wait one place a whole hour.

And when I finally got in
the man said, "too old."

I ain't surprised, Edith.

I mean, after all you're over the hill.

I ain't over the hill.

Well, you can certainly see the top of it.

Well, maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.

Oh, what do you mean "tomorrow," Edith?

Now, come on. You ain't gonna
go out there again tomorrow.

I mean, don't you learn your lesson?

After all, I mean, uh, if a
woman ain't got no experience,

then she ought to stick to unskilled
labor, like bein' a wife.

But that don't pay nothin'.

Because it ain't supposed
to pay nothin', Edith.

You're supposed to be satisfied
with your, what do you call,

unseen rewards.

How would you like an unseen dinner?

Well, don't bite the face off of me.

I am just sayin' that somebody better
bring some money in this house.

And soon.

Well, somebody will. But that
somebody will be wearin' pants,

not panties.

Archie, I'm worried.

What are you worryin' about?
You see me worryin'?

Yeah.

Well, all right. I am the one
that's supposed to be worryin'.

I am supposed to be doin' that.

You are supposed to just
say, uh, "c'est LA vie".

As the French used to say when the
Germans were slaughterin' 'em.

Talkin' about slaughter,
what have we got for dinner?

Chicken croquets,

and cherry gelatin for dessert.

Cherry gelatin again!

But you like cherries?

I love cherries, but not
when they're set in rubber.

Oh, I'll add some extra water
so it will be more shaky.

Ah, jeez, I'll be chasin'
it all over the plate.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, come in, Louise.

Hi, did you get the job?

Oh, no.

Oh, it was awful, Louise. Nobody wants me.

I even went to the
Hercules plumbing company

where I used to work when Archie
and me was goin' together.

What did they say?

They didn't say nothin'
. They're a parkin' lot now.

Still no sign of Archie's
strike ending, huh? No.

Edith, how are your figures?

Oh, I ain't no miss America.

Like all them younger girls
that are lookin' for jobs.

No, I mean money figures, counting figures.

Could you learn how to
work a cash register?

Can you learn that?

I could teach you.

Oh, well, I guess I could.

Great.

George don't know it yet,

but I just found someone to
help in the cleaning store.

Who?

You. You can come and work for us.

Louise.

Oh, oh, I love it.

Oh, Louise.

Oh, but are you sure you want me?

Oh, I'd probably start
gabbing with the customers

and forget to give 'em their change.

Oh, that won't bother George none.

You can start tomorrow morning.

Oh, Louise, thank you.

Now I'll go and give him the good news.

Will he be surprised.

So will Archie.

Oh, Archie!

Wake up!

I got a surprise.

One of these days you're gonna
surprise me with a heart attack.

Now what is it?

No, I can't tell you yet

'cause I got to go get a little surprise

to celebrate the big surprise.

No, Edith, I don't think I can take
one surprise on top of another.

Don't you like me bringin' home surprises?

Oh, Edith, with you a
surprise could be anything

from a runaway horse to a puerto rican.

It's even better.

I'll be right back.

[Groaning]

She's bringin' me a surprise.
Help me, lord.

You just did what, Louise?

I told Edith she could
have the job in the store.

No way, Louise. No way!

But, George-- there's no way

that honky's wife is
gonna come in my store.

Except with a bundle of
cleanin' in one hand

and some ready cash in the other.

George, those people are
havin' a hard time.

So are we people.

The only difference between them and us

is that our people have had
300 years of practice.

But it'll only be until
Archie's strike is over.

That could be 5,000 months from now.

What are people gonna think
when they come in the store

and see a white face standin'
on behind the counter?

What would they think?

What would they think?

The niggers'll think she owns the store

and the honkies'll will think
we've bleached the help.

George, you don't realize
that times have changed.

People ain't as dumb as you are anymore.

Just last Sunday, reverend Hamilton said,

"we were all brothers under the skin."

Sure, he gets paid to say that.

Bunker ain't no brother of mine.

He ain't no distant relative. In fact,
he don't even make a good stranger.

No job, Louise. That's final.

Now,

what's for dinner, dear?

All right, George. You win.

I knew you'd see it my way eventually.

After all, you'd only be drivin'
poor Archie out of his mind.

Say what?

I said you were right, as usual.

No, no, what did you say about bunker?

I said you'd drive poor
Archie out of his mind

when he hear Edith's going to work for you.

He'd probably jump off the
George Washington bridge.

[Chuckling]

But the queensborough bridge is closer.

And I could watch him from here.

George!

Settled. I said she's got the job.

Nothin'.

Well, give the deck 3 chances

then you cheat.

Hiya, daddy.

Where's ma?

I don't know. She took off out of
here like a dingbat out of hell.

Why, what happened? She get a job?

Ah, she didn't get no job.

Oh, well, I'm goin' upstairs to freshen up.

Yeah.

Ah, jeez, I hate this game.

I'm back.

Oh, you're back, are you, Edith?

Surprise.

Look out. You blew the game on me here.

Hold it, hold it. That is a surprise.
Pastore's bakery.

Don't tell me you brung home somethin'
good for dessert for a change.

Yeah, and I was very lucky,

'cause it was just closin'.

Mr. pastore likes to get upstairs
to watch Walter cronkite.

He thinks they might be related
'cause they got the same eyebrows.

Oh, Edith, I'm thinkin' of one of
them big delicious chocolate cake

with all the nuts on the top.
It ain't one of them?

That's right, it ain't.

And it's better.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey, ho,
ho, ho, hold it there.

What is this, "happy bar mitzvah, Irving."

Who the hell is Irving?

He's the little boy that got the mumps.

So his mother didn't come
and pick up the cake.

Well, how are we gonna eat this?
This is a Jewish cake, Edith.

They give this to a kid
before he gets circumscribed.

It was on sale, Archie.

This is a $10 cake.

I got it for $1.

Couldn't they give you somethin'
that said "merry Christmas, Irving"?

Oh, I don't think so.

Anyway, that would be stale by now.

All right, cut out my chunk from
the part that says, "happy" there.

All right.

And leave the "bar mitzvah"
part for the meathead.

He ain't a Jew, but he'll eat
anythin' that ain't movin'.

Oh, Archie,

I got a job.

You got a job. I thought you
said you couldn't get no job.

I got a job, I got a job.

Oh, wait a minute. From George Jefferson.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

George Jefferson? Yeah.

You mean, next door George Jefferson? Yeah.

You mean, colored George Jefferson?

Right, Louise offered me a job

in their cleanin' store
and I start tomorrow.

Oh, wrong, Edith. You quit tonight.

Archie, it's like the
answer to all our prayers.

Hold it, Edith. I don't
pray to George Jefferson.

And you ain't gonna work for him.
But Archie--

oh, no, no, Edith. What the
hell's goin' on around here?

You gettin' a job in a colored store,

you bring me home a kosher cake.

The next thing you'll have
me sittin' at the table

with a yamaha on my head.

I just wanna help,

and they need somebody in the store.

No, they don't need nobody at all.

They're just tellin' you that
. Don't you see what their game is?

They're just tryin' to be
friendly and drive me nuts. Oh.

No, no, Edith. No, that's a handout.

That's all I call that, a handout.

Archie,

if I don't take this job,

we'll have to go on welfare.

Use food stamps.

What would you call that?

Yeah, Edith, but--

[stammering] But, I mean, Edith,

what are the neighbors gonna say?

I--I mean the white neighbors?

Like the mcnabbs and--and--and the hefners?

And the munsons?

I mean, y-y-you workin'
in a colored store there,

what they gonna say?

I guess, they'll just say, "hi, Edith."

[Footsteps]

Oh, hi, ma.

Gee, I'm sorry you had a lousy day.

Oh, no, I didn't. I had a wonderful day.

"Happy bar mitzvah, Irving."

Who's Irving?

Some little Jewish kid
that's still hurtin'.

Hey, everybody, I got some great news.

Ooh, what is it, honey? What is it?

We're having cake tonight.

Tell us your news, Michael.

Who's Irving?

Your news, honey? Your news?

Oh, yeah. Hey, I got a job!

[Whooping] What?

(Mike) Isn't that great? What?

(Edith) So did I.

What? (Mike and Gloria) Really? Where?

(Archie) What? The
Jefferson's cleaning store.

What, what, what is that I
heard the meathead say?

I got a job.

You got a job? Yeah.

That's the greatest news I heard all year.

Eh, Edith, we're saved. We're
saved by the Polish cavalry.

Come on, over here, Edith, right now.

And get yourself on this phone here.

What for?

You're gonna call up the jeffersons,
the number is right here,

and you're gonna tell George
Jefferson that you resign as of now.

But Archie, I wanna work.

Yeah, why does she have to quit her job?

Because, didn't you hear? Your
husband, the meathead, has got a job.

He's gotta be the breadwinner now.

He's backin' me up, so you get
over here, Edith, and you dial.

Ok, Edith, I got a finger, too. I can dial.

Archie, please, don't.

Oh, I can dial. I can... Go
back, back, back, back, back.

I'll get the number,

call the jeffersons and I'll say

what has to be said myself.

No-- that's all, that's all, that's all.

Get over here, meathead.

What kind of a Jo-- hold it, hold it.

Uh, hi, there, Louise. Uh, Archie here.

Uh, is George there? I wanna
talk to him for a minute.

Yeah, thank you very much.

I'll tell him.

So, what kind of a Jo-- hold it, hold it.

Hi, there, George. Uh, Archie here.

I got a couple of things to tell you.

Uh, first of all, my son-in-law, Michael,

uh, he just got a job.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hold it. What kind of a job was that?

Tutoring a kid in history.

Hey! Hey, you hear that?

Tutoring a kid in history.

Brainwork, probably pays him a fortune.

Yeah, how much you gonna make a week?

Uh, about $20-$25 a week.

The kid's gonna make...

Uh,

and the other thing I want to say
to you, uh, George, was that, uh,

uh, Edith here wants to talk to Louise.

Get away from me.

Get over here. Get on the blower.

Hello, Louise.

Uh, Archie just wanted to say thank you.

Yeah, I'll be there in the morning,

9 o'clock sharp.

[Grunting]

Between $20 and $25 a week?

You got the nerve

to eat cake?

(Male narrator) Join us again
next week when Edith is working,

Gloria is working and
even meathead is working,

while Archie sits at home.

On all in the family next week.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.