All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 2 - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

[ringing]

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Irene.

No, I ain't doin' nothin'.

Just housekeepin'.

My maid didn't show up today.

Huh?

Oh, no. There ain't nothin'
new on the strike,

except Archie started picketin' today.

Just think, Irene.

A strike in the middle of all this,



what do you call it, inflation.

Yeah, I'm worried.

But I--I'm more worried
about Archie worryin'

because he don't know how to
worry without gettin' upset.

Oh, here he is. Maybe he
can tell you somethin'.

Who's that on the blower?

It's Irene.

She wants to know somethin'
about the strike.

[Mimicking edith] She wants to
know somethin' about the strike.

Gimme that. Here's arch.

Hello there.

Oh, listen, before you say anything, uh,

do you remember that
song that had you in it?

That's right, goodnight, Irene.

Oh, Archie. Oh, to hell with her.

Oh, you must have had bad news today.

No, I didn't have no bad
news, I had good news.

But why waste it on her when I got you?

Good news?

The strike is working real good.

We threw a picket line around our
plant this morning and it helped.

Nobody crossed.

We got the whole place locked
up tighter than a Jew's purse.

Archie, that's terrible.

What?

Mrs. mendelbaum is Jewish.

Her--her purse is always open. She's very generous.
I ain't interested in that.

She even gives to Christian charity.
I ain't interested in that.

She bought girl scout cookies
and-- I ain't interested.

I ain't interested in it, Edith!

I'm tryin' to tell you about my strike.

Ain't you interested in that? Oh, sure.

All right. Well, I'm trying to tell
you, it's gonna be over any minute.

Oh, Archie. You really shouldn't worry.

I'm telling you I ain't worrying.

Listen, there's 320 crates
on that loadin' platform

waitin' to be unloaded.

They ain't gonna be unloaded until
we get there to unload 'em.

In other words, to put it for you
in technical language, Edith,

we got the bosses by the short hairs.

You shouldn't worry so much.

I ain't worryin'. Why do you
keep sayin' that I'm worryin'?

Because I can see you talkin' out
of the corners of your eyes.

How the hell do you do that?

Well, like this.

Uh, uh...

"Edith, uh, we got the bosses
by their short hairs."

I don't wanna hear nothin' more about it.

I told you I ain't worried,
that's the end of this.

Oh, if you say so.

You are a pip, you know that?

You still look worried.

Ah, gee...

And listen, now don't start that.
I can't stand that.

Why do you have to do that now?

But Wednesday is my vacuumin' day.

Oh, jeez.

Edith, you ran that thing
into the left side of my foot

where the bunion is, there.
You hurt me, Edith.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, don't start it again.

Now, Edith, can't you do that tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, but the windows would be dirty.

What, do you vacuum the windows?

No.

You see, Thursday is my
day to do the windows

if it ain't rainin'.

And if it's rainin', then I move my, uh,

Friday kitchen floor day to Thursday,

and I do the windows on Friday.

And if it's still rainin' on Friday,

then I move my Saturday
ironin' day to Friday.

And I do the windows on Saturday.

And yeah,

and--and if it's still
rainin' on Saturday...

If it's still rainin' on Saturday,

then I get a day off because

I ain't got nothin' to move from Sunday.

Oh, jeez, look out there.

You give me a whiplash with the wire.

I'm sorry.

Would you put that thing away

once and for all?

I mean, can't you come over here

and visit with me just a little bit?

Oh, no, not now, Archie, I
got to get dinner ready.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you talkin' about dinner for?
It's only 2:30 in the day.

Well, if I don't start now, it
won't be ready when you are.

Yeah, but wait a minute, Edith.

What am I gonna do out here, all by myself?

It's all right, Edith, I know
what I'll do all by myself.

I'll watch the end of the ball game.

[Grunting]

[People chattering on T.V.]

(Commentator) So, in the
bottom half of the 3rd,

the mets go down in order.

No runs, no hits, no errors, nobody--

hey, Edith.

Hey, Edith, come here will you?
Yeah, Archie.

The vertizontal hold on this
thing is still on the Fritz.

How am I gonna watch the ball game
with the picture goin' like this?

I thought I told you to get that fixed.

Oh, but, Archie, we ain't paid Dr. garfiend

for fixin' the bursitis in your arm.

But the bursitis is fixed. The T.V. ain't.

Forget garfiend. Get the T.V.
guy back here.

Oh, Archie, I think we ought to wait.

Remember there ain't no checks comin' in.

I know that, Edith.

But what am I supposed
to do with myself here?

Well, you could read.

In the middle of the day?

Well, you'll think of somethin'.

But why am I always the one in this house

that has to think of somethin'?

"Your personality may be killing you."

Get out of here.

[Grunting]

? Oh, let your smile be your umbrella ?

? on a rainy, rainy day

? [humming]

You want somethin', Archie?

No, I don't want nothin'. I
was just hangin' around.

Figured maybe I'd keep you company here.

Oh, that's nice.

Excuse me.

Yeah, go ahead.

Excuse me. Yeah, go ahead.

I just come out because, uh,

well, I, uh, I wanted to ask you somethin'.

All right, what is it?

What's new?

Well, let's see.

Oh, excuse me.

Go ahead.

What's new?

Well, uh,

remember Mr. Baxter

who owns the tropical fish
store around the corner?

Tropical fish...

Oh, yeah. I hate him.

Oh, he's very nice. His wife left him.

Well, I ain't surprised.

She's younger than him.
Them things never last.

Well, that ain't no reason.
I'm younger than you are.

I ain't talkin' about minutes, Edith.

I'm talkin' about years.

The fish guy's wife is half his age.

Oh, uh, excuse me, you're in my way.

Yeah, and why? How am I in your way here?

Well, I gotta get over there.
Then go over there.

I'm in your way here, and I'm in your
way there, and I'm in your way again.

You don't know where you're
goin', that's your trouble.

Now that I'm home I can see that
you ain't organized here, Edith.

Yeah.

[Mimicking edith] Yeah.

Ok.

There ain't nothin' I can
do here to help you.

Am I gonna be in your way outside?

Oh, no.

Oh, hey, whoop-Dee-doo, if it
ain't my favorite son-in-law.

Hi there, Michael. What's new?

Anything wrong?

No, what could be wrong?

I don't know.

Oh, I--I just figured since
the two of us are home early,

maybe you'd like to sit down and play
me a couple of hands of gin rummy.

I'd love to watch, really. But I
just came home to get my books.

I gotta run off to school. School?

Well, where you been up to now?

Why are you all duded up there
lookin' like errol slim?

I was out looking for a part-time job.

You're kiddin'.

Since you're on strike,

I figured, you know, with
the economy the way it is,

I--I just wanted to help out.
I know how worried you are.

Hey, wait a minute there.
Wait a minute, wise guy.

I'm just been through this
with your mother-in-law.

I tell you as the head of this house,
I ain't worried about nothin'.

Ok. Yeah.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Did you get the job?

No.

Ah, well, I could have guessed that.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, figure it out for yourself.

You ain't got no
qualifidations for nothin'.

If you was to come in here,
fresh off the street,

applyin' for the job of my
son-in-law, I wouldn't hire you.

And if I knew you came with
the job, I wouldn't take it.

Oh, Edith, Edith. No, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Edith, now stay here, huh? Stay here. Oh.

Come on, you don't have
to rush around, huh?

Come, let's sit down here and
play a hand of gin rummy.

Oh, no, Archie, I got to go upstairs.

Edith, wait a minute,
wait a minute, come here.

I'm home here with you.

Don't you wanna be with me at all?

Oh, sure, Archie.

Would you like to come up
to the bedroom with me?

Now?

You can hold the end of the
sheet while I change the bed.

[Sputtering]

What fun. Hold the end of the sheet.

Now, go on, go on. Go on upstairs.

Do whatever you have to do.

Find somethin' to do down here myself.

[Grunting]

Ah, what the hell.

[People chattering on T.V.]

(Commentator) And here's the pitch
. Fastball is in there, called strike.

Count evens at a ball and a strike.

Game's still tied 2-2,
we're in the top of the...

[Man chattering on T.V.]

This stinks!

Louise, 2 weeks ago, Archie
sat in there tellin' me

the strike would last only a day or so.

Archie ain't used to not workin',

and I ain't used to havin' him
around here all the time.

Yeah, I hear you.

Tell me, do those things really work?

They better.

Oh, yesterday Archie came home so mad.

While they was picketin', Dutch
krieger threw his cigarette down

and Archie put it out with this shoe.

That's what told him he had a hole.

Well, Edith, there's a shoemaker
right next to our cleaning shop.

I'd be glad to take them in for you.

Oh, if I could spare
$6.50 to buy half soles,

I'd rather spend it on a half a roast.

I didn't realize it was that tough.

Oh, no! For $6.50, meat is very tender.

Uh, well, uh, thanks for the coffee, Edith.

I'd better go so you can cook dinner.

Ooh, I got plenty of time.

We're havin' spaghetti again tonight.

It's the 4th time this week.

[Door slamming]

Oh, that's Archie. I know his slam.

I'm leaving.

Why?

I know his slam, too. Later.

All right.

Bye, Louise.

Hello, Archie!

How was the picketin' today?

Ah, jeez, it was lousy.

My 2 poor hands are killin' me. Oh.

Hey, did I get a phone
call from the union hall?

No. What's the matter with your hands?

Ah, gee, they gave me the
biggest sign of all to carry.

A big 4 by 8, with a barn door
at the top that said "unfair".

And look at this.

Oh, how did you get that spot?

A kid threw a tangerine at me.

(Gloria) Giddyup, secretariat.

Giddyup, secretariat.

(Archie) Ah, look at this!

(Gloria) Ho, boy, ho.

[Neighing]

(Gloria) Hold, boy.

(Archie) What are you doin' here?

Good boy.

They're playin' horsie.

No, they ain't. She's ridin' a jackass.

Just trying to lighten
things up around here.

I mean, if stretch Cunningham had
come galloping in like that,

you'd have fallen down
on the floor laughin'.

Hey, hey! Don't mention the name of
stretch Cunningham in this house no more.

Stretch Cunningham is a fink.

He's Judas iscariot at loadin' platform.

Man didn't show up for
picket duty again today.

But, daddy, he's just probably sick.

Ah, sick in a pig's sty. He's goofin' off.

Edith, where's dinner, huh?

Just a minute. I just got
to cook the spaghetti.

Come on, Edith, have a heart, will you?

When are we gonna see
meat in this house again?

Tonight we're having spaghetti
with marinara sauce.

Marinara sauce is nothin' but lumpy juice.

And God knows what the lumps are.

But, Archie, meat is so expensive.

All right, all right, Edith. Help me, lord.

Go ahead, get it on the table, huh?
Get it on.

Hey, arch?

How are the negotiations goin'?

Oh, they're goin'. They're
goin' right along.

There could be a break any minute.

I'm expectin' a phone call from the union.

I wanna tell you somethin', buddy.

When this strike is over, that's the last
we're gonna see a spaghetti in this house.

I feel so poor!

Edith.

Edith, come on, will you?
Things can't be that bad.

We can have a little meat. Oh, they are!

Archie, look at all these bills.

Here's the phone bill, the gas
and electric, and the mortgage.

We ain't got enough money to pay them.

What are you talkin' about? We got
over $600 in the national city.

Oh, no. That's just $200 now.

What did you do with the other $400?

I transferred it to the
queens saving and loan

when they opened up a new
branch, remember? I told you.

When do I ever listen to you?

You see, they gave a free gift
with every account you opened.

So I opened up 4 of 'em.

W-wait a minute, Edith. The
money is still in there, eh?

Well, it is and it ain't.

Well, which is it, ain't or is?

Well, it--it--it is, but we can't
take it out for a whole year.

Why not?

You see, I got 4 wonderful gifts,

things we really need, for nothin'.

Remember, when you had your backache
and you wanted a heatin' pad,

but we didn't have a heatin' pad?

Well, now we got a heatin' pad.

Edith, we need money, we need meat.

I got a thermal blanket for Mike
and Gloria to keep 'em warm.

They make their own heat up there.

And for you, I got a transistor radio--

[stuttering] Wait a minute,
Edith, I already got one of them.

That's the one I got for you.

So you could have one, just like all the
other fellas on the loadin' platform.

I know. But, Edith, don't you see?

[Stuttering] I mean, I could've gone out,

and got that whole kitten
caboodle for $30, $40.

But we didn't have $30 or $40.

But you sunk $400 into all that stuff.

But it's still there. It's our money.

No! You buried it. It's in the grave!

I could get the guys in the legion hall
to come out and blow taps over it.

That's the dumbest thing
you ever done, Edith.

I mean, y-y-you painted us into a corner,

then you threw away the key.

Edith, ain't you ashamed of yourself?

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was gonna
turn out like this.

Oh, well, don't cry.

But, I mean, there was no money coming in.

Don't cry!

[Blubbering]

Edith, don't! Now look, she's cryin' now.

[Stuttering] Don't cry, Edith. Don't cry.

Edith, don't cry.

[Sobbing]

Edith, don't--

Edith, you done good!

Your heart was in the right place, Edith.

But your head was out to lunch.

All right, don't be worried.

Don't be worried.

Jeez, why didn't you pucker up?

I kissed nothin' but teeth.

O sole mio.

Are youse ready for your Italian delight?

Actually, daddy, you know,
spaghetti is not Italian.

I read that Marco polo found it in China,

and then he brought it
home to Italy with him.

Leave it to a dago to go around
the world for a take-home dinner.

[Doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

"Dago". Do you have to use that word?

What do you want me to
call an Italian? A Mick?

Oh, hi, Louise!

Come on in. Hello, Gloria!

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi there, Mrs. j.

Gee, we're just sittin'
down to dinner here.

Oh, what perfect timing.

No, Edith only made enough for us.

Oh.

Hello, Louise, again.

Edith?

Could you do me a favor?

Sure, what is it?

Well, I don't know what
happened to me tonight.

But I made twice as much
beef stew as we could use.

It would be such a help if you
could take it off my hands.

Oh, sure. Thank you! Uh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
No, Mrs. j, no.

We don't need none of that, see,

'cause Edith just made the
family favorite here:

Spaghetti.

I don't know about you, daddy,

but I wouldn't mind havin' some beef stew.

Yeah, neither would I.

Do you wanna break your mother's heart?

She's out there all day in the
kitchen, creatin' that spaghetti.

Just remember this, if
I get that phone call,

we'd all be runnin' out of
here eatin' fillet mignon.

But, Archie, there's meat in the stew.

Edith, Edith, Edith, huh?

Don't argue with me, huh?

Excuse me, Louise. Excuse me.

Edith, I want to see you,
private there, in the kitchen.

And don't youse touch that stew.

Get in there! Get in there!

Edith.

I don't want you takin' that
food from Mrs. Jefferson.

Why not? She said she made too much.

I don't want you turnin' my
house into a soup kitchen.

It ain't soup, it's beef stew.

I wouldn't give a damn if
it was lobster Greenberg.

It's charity, and I ain't
takin' no charity.

Now, Edith, you just turn around,

and you just go back and you tell Louise

that charity begins at home, which is where
you want her to take that stew back to.

It ain't charity, Archie.

Louise is just bein' a good neighbor. Oh.

If they was hard up, you'd help 'em, wouldn't you?
Certainly, I would.

[Phone ringing] Well...

That's a whole different thing, Edith.

Colored people's used to being helped.

Daddy, the call's for you. Charlie driller.

Hey, that's the call from the union hall.

Maybe things is all fixed, yeah?

Let me get that call. Get away from there.

I'm just holdin' the door.
Get away from the phone.

Get away from the phone.
Louise, wait a minute!

Shut up! Shut up, shut up!
I'm on the phone.

Hello, Charlie. Archie bunker here.

Yeah, what's the good word, I hope.

Ah, yeah...

What is it?

Hold the phone, Charlie.

They broke off the negotiations.

Oh, my!

Uh, I'd better go, Edith.

Hold the phone again there, Charlie.

[Stuttering] Say, Louise, dear.

Uh, maybe you'd better not run
away with the stew so fast.

You said you didn't want it.

Yeah, I know I did. But, you know,
maybe you'd better not go by me,

because, uh, Edith likes to eat stew.

And the kids like to eat stew, and I say,
let everybody eat what they wanna eat.

You know, uh, let them eat cake,

to quote the late mark antoinette.

Well, I'm very glad you feel that way.

Here, Edith. And I'll see you later.

All right. Thanks, Louise.

[Stuttering] Yeah, I tell
you what, Charlie, uh,

as regards the, uh, picket duty tomorrow,

could you get somebody to cover for me?

Well, uh, no. I won't be
there because I'm ill.

Ill, ill, I-l-e.

I don't care, I don't care.

Listen, I could hardly drag
myself out of the side

to get down here to the phone, Charlie.

My family's sittin' here
lookin' very worried at me.

Yeah, all right.

I'll see you when I see you. Goodbye.

Shut up.

Don't be lookin' at me
that way with your 2 eyes.

Serve up the food here.

Thought you said you didn't
want any stew, arch.

Well, I certainly ain't gonna sit
here and watch you eat it all.

Arch, I don't know. Maybe
you shouldn't have any.

I mean, after all, Mrs. Jefferson made it.

Could be soul food, arch.

Well, then, you're the one who shouldn't
be eatin' it if it's soul food.

You're an atheist.

Give me that!

Worrying is not gonna help you find a job.
Now, don't be so nervous.

Oh, I can't help it, Gloria.

I protected my underarms twice already.

(Male narrator) Join the
bunker family next week,

as inflation continues,

the strike goes on, and
Edith goes job hunting.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.