All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 23 - No Smoking - full transcript

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪

(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪

♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪

♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪

♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪

♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪



♪ THOSE WERE ♪

♪ THE DAYS ♪

WE NEED SOME MORE
COFFEE, TOO, MA.

OH, MY. OH, WELL, I
GUESS THAT MEANS

WE GOTTA DO WITHOUT
APPLES THIS WEEK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
MANAGE TO MAKE ENDS MEET, MA.

OH, I'M LUCKY. I WAS
BROUGHT UP IN A DEPRESSION.

IRENE SAYS YOUR DEPRESSION

WAS LIKE OUR
INFLATIONARY RECESSION.

WELL, MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID:

"WATCH THE PENNIES AND THE
DOLLARS'LL TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."

WELL, SHE MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT,

THE DOLLARS MUST BE
TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES

'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT THEM.



(Mike) GLORIA! GLORIA!

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

GUESS WHAT! I GOT
ONE OF MY FINAL GRADES!

IS IT AN "A"?

IT'S AN "A"!

[all cheering]

WONDERFUL! CONGRATULATIONS!

(Mike) THANKS, MA!

SEE, MA. I TOLD YOU
I MARRIED A GENIUS.

[making kissing sounds]

AH, JEEZ, LOOK AT THIS.

WE OUGHTA GET THESE TWO BRONZED.

DADDY, MICHAEL JUST GOT
AN "A" IN ONE OF HIS COURSES.

WELL, WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

WITH AN "A" ON YOUR
REPORT CARD AND A QUARTER

YOU CAN BUY A HERSHEY BAR.

I KNOW YOU'RE THRILLED, ARCH,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
OVERDO THE CONGRATULATIONS.

STEP ASIDE, HUH?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING
CRABBIER EVERY DAY?

I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME YOU WALKED INTO THIS HOUSE

WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

WELL, THAT'S
BECAUSE THE LAST TIME

I WALKED INTO THIS HOUSE WITH A SMILE
ON MY FACE, YOU WASN'T LIVING HERE.

HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT
AT THE PHONE COMPANY?

I TOOK CARE OF THE ARGUMENT,

JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO
WITH THE PHONE COMPANY:

I GIVE THEM A SWELL
ARGUMENT AND LOST.

BUT THE THING THAT
REALLY BURNED ME UP

WAS COMING DOWN IN THE ELEVATOR.

I RAN INTO THIS CRABBY DAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE HAS
THE NERVE TO SAY TO ME?

"I WISH YOU'D PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR

BECAUSE THE SMOKE OFFENDS ME."

MAYBE SHE HAD A
BREATHING PROBLEM.

SURE SHE HAD A
BREATHING PROBLEM,

YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN THE NOSE ON HER.

LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS
PLAYING A SAXOPHONE.

OH, MAYBE SHE
JUST WASN'T USED TO

THE SMELL OF CIGAR SMOKE.

I REMEMBER WHEN
WE WAS FIRST MARRIED

I HAD TO SPRAY THE ROOM
EVERY NIGHT AFTER YOU SMOKED.

BUT YOU COULDN'T GET USED
TO THE SMELL OF THE SPRAY.

SO YOU HAD TO GET USED
TO THE SMELL OF CIGARS.

NO, I HAD TO GET USED TO
NOT SAYING NOTHING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT USED TO
WHENEVER I CAME INTO THE HOUSE?

A KISS?

I WAS THINKING OF
SOMETHING FOAMY IN A CAN.

OH, YOU MEAN BEER? BEER, YEAH.

OH, SURE, I'LL GET
YOU SOME RIGHT AWAY.

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
REALLY UPSET ABOUT?

BECAUSE SOME LADY IN AN ELEVATOR

SAID SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE
SMELL OF YOUR CIGAR?

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND I TOLD THE LADY

IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO
INHALE MY CIGAR SMOKE,

THEN SHE REALLY
OUGHT TO SHUT HER FACE.

I'M SURPRISED SHE DIDN'T
HAVE YOU REPORTED.

SHE DID, SHE DID, TO
THE GUARD DOWNSTAIRS

WHEN THE ELEVATOR GOT THERE.
SHE TOLD HIM THE WHOLE STORY.

MADE HIM WRITE THE
WHOLE THING DOWN.

HE TOOK MY NAME AND
ADDRESS AND EVERYTHING.

TOLD ME HE'S GONNA FINE ME $50.

THAT'S RIGHT, THEY GOT A LAW
NOW AGAINST SMOKING IN ELEVATORS.

[razzing] WELL, TO THAT
LAW I WOULD SAY...

LUCKY FOR ME, THE
GUARD WAS A STRAIGHT GUY.

AFTER THE DAME TOOK OFF, I
GAVE HIM ONE OF MY CIGARS,

HE RIPPED UP THE REPORT.

BOY, OH, BOY.

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS
PREACHING LAW AND ORDER. HUH!

THAT IS FOR THE
CRIMINALS, LITTLE GIRL.

LAW AND ORDER SHOULD NOT RUIN
THE LIVES OF LAW-ABIDING PEOPLE.

LIKE THAT STUPID LAW OF
PROHIBITION THEY HAD IN THE OLD DAYS,

THE GANGSTERS HAD TO GO OUT
THEN AND OPEN UP SPEAKEASIES

SO A DECENT GUY
COULD RAISE A GLASS.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THEY'RE GONNA DO THE SAME
THING IN OFFICE BUILDINGS?

THE MAFIA'S GONNA START RUNNING
ELEVATORS YOU CAN SMOKE IN?

IF THERE'S A BUCK IN IT,
THE MAFIA'LL BE THERE.

HERE YOU ARE, ARCHIE.

AH, YEAH.

NO, I DESCRIBE TO A HIGHER
LAW THERE, MEATHEAD, GOD'S LAW.

AND GOD INTENDED MAN TO SMOKE.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID,

"IF GOD INTENDED
PEOPLE TO SMOKE,

HE WOULD HAVE PUT
CHIMNEYS ON THEIR HEADS."

YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW NOTHING.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT
YOU TO MARRY ME.

W-WAIT, WAIT A
SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

GOD INTENDED MAN TO SMOKE?

CERTAINLY. WHY DO YOU
THINK GOD PLANTED TOBACCO?

TO MAKE SALADS, YOU DOPE, YOU?

THAT'S TO SMOKE.

EVERYTHING GOD
PLANTED IS FOR MAN TO USE.

THEN WHAT ABOUT MARIJUANA?

GOD DIDN'T PLANT
MARIJUANA, LITTLE GIRL.

IT WAS YOUR MEXICAN
BANDITS DONE THAT.

WELL, I'M FOR THE NEW LAWS

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK PEOPLE
SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SMOKE

IN ELEVATORS, IN
MOVIES, IN RESTAURANTS,

'CAUSE IT REALLY DOES BOTHER
THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON'T SMOKE.

AH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE ONLY PEOPLE IT BOTHERS
ARE A BUNCH OF PAINS IN THE NECKS

THAT DON'T WANT THE REST OF
THE WORLD TO ENJOY THEMSELVES.

WELL, I'VE BEEN SMOKING
AROUND HERE FOR YEARS

AND UP TO NOW, I AIN'T HEARD NO
COMPLAINTS FROM MY LOVED ONES.

I COMPLAINED.

WELL, I'M COMPLAINING,
TOO, DADDY.

I HATE YOUR CIGAR
SMOKE. EL STINKO!

LITTLE GIRL, LET ME TELL
YOU, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING,

"NEVER BITE THE HAND
THAT FEEDS YOUR HUSBAND."

TAKE A LESSON FROM
YOUR MOTHER OVER HERE.

SHE LEARNED TO
LOVE MY CIGAR SMOKE.

RIGHT, EDITH? NO, I DIDN'T.

AH, WHO CARES ANYWAY?

WELL, ARCH, YOU GOTTA HAVE
RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

I GOT RESPECT FOR
EVERYBODY'S FEELINGS.

IN THE CONSTITUTION WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO HAVE RESPECT.

WE ALL GOT OUR RIGHT TO THE
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS THERE.

AND, IF I WANNA PURSUE HAPPINESS
WITH A CIGAR IN MY KISSER,

THEN YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THAT CIGAR-SMOKING
IS AN INALIENABLE RIGHT?

IT'S FOR ALIENS, IT'S
FOR THE NATIVE BORNS...

ANYBODY WANTS, THEY CAN SMOKE.

NOW, LET ME GIVE
YOU A LITTLE HISTORY,

THE KIND THAT YOU DON'T
FIND IN THE HISTORY BOOKS.

NATURALLY.

(Archie) YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T
FOR GUYS LIKE ME, SMOKERS,

THERE WOULDN'T BE NO AMERICA.

YOU WANNA BLOW
THAT PAST ME AGAIN?

SURE.

YOU HEARD OF YOUR
WASHINGTON, YOUR JEFFERSON?

THE NAMES RING A BELL.

YEAH, WELL, THEY WAS
WHAT YOU CALL, UH, PLANTERS.

PLANTERS WERE GUYS
WHO USED TO RAISE CIGARS.

AND, IF IT WASN'T
FOR SMOKERS LIKE ME

BUYING THE CIGARS FROM
JEFFERSON AND WASHINGTON,

THE TWO OF THEM GUYS
WOULD'VE WENT BROKE.

THERE WOULDN'T HAVE
BEEN NO REVOLUTION

AGAINST THE ENGLISH.

YEAH, AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE
NO JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL

OR GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE.

DADDY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
CIGAR SMOKE IS DOING TO MY HAIR?

HUH?

IT GETS IN THERE AND
THEN MICHAEL SAYS

HE CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF IT.

WHAT'S HIS NOSE
DOING IN YOUR HAIR?

IT'S LIKE WHEN HE'S HUGGING ME,

THEN HE STOPS RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF A HUG, AH, JESUS.

AND HE SAYS, "GLORIA,
YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE

THE INSIDE OF A CAB."

IF HE'S GOT SUCH
A TERRIFIC SNIFFER,

WHY DON'T HE SNIFF
OUT A JOB FOR HIMSELF?

IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU
GAVE UP CIGAR-SMOKIN', ARCHIE.

REMEMBER THAT QUIZ YOU
TOOK A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO?

[groaning] IT SAID THAT YOU
COULD ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE.

IT'S NOT JUST YOUR
OWN HEALTH, ARCH.

DOCTORS ARE SAYING THAT
NON-SMOKERS ARE GETTING SICK

FROM INHALING THE STUFF
THAT'S PUFFED AT THEM ALL DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GETTING SICK OF?

I'M GETTING SICK OF THE
WHOLE CROWD OF YOUS

YAPPING ABOUT THIS, SO, SHUT UP.

OH, OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AH, LOOK AT THIS. LET'S
SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

WILL YOU LOOK AT YOUR
DAUGHTER OVER HERE?

THIS IS A DISGRACE!

GLORIA, HONEY,
COME ON, TAKE IT EASY.

(Mike) YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE YOURSELF SICK HERE.

[coughing]

YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE
THAT IN YOUR FACE, HUH?

GIMME THAT CIGAR
BEFORE YOU PUKE.

[coughing] HOW CAN YOU
SMOKE THOSE FILTHY THINGS?

SEE WHAT THEY DO TO YOU?

WELL, WHO THE HELL
TOLD HER TO DO THAT?

A GIRL AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO SMOKE A CIGAR.

AH, IT ISN'T GOOD FOR ANYBODY.

AH, COME ON, THAT'S
JUST PROPAGANDA

PUT OUT BY SOME OF
THESE BIG COMPANIES.

THEY MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
OUT OF, UH, NO SMOKIN'.

WHAT COMPANIES?

THE COMPANIES THAT PUT
OUT THE "NO SMOKING" SIGNS!

HERE YOU ARE, GLORIA.

THANKS, MA.

COME ON, EDITH. GET SOME
LUNCH ON THE TABLE HERE, HUH?

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

OH, THAT'S SOMETHING
ELSE, ARCHIE.

THEY SAY IF YOU GIVE UP SMOKING,

YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT YOUR
FOOD REALLY TASTES LIKE.

AH, COME ON, I
CAN TASTE MY FOOD,

WHAT'S LEFT OF IT AFTER
THE MEATHEAD GETS DONE.

YOU REALLY SHOULD QUIT.

GLORIA, GLORIA, YOU'RE
WASTING YOUR TIME.

HE'S NOT GONNA QUIT SMOKING,

HE'S JUST LIKE AN
ALCOHOLIC OR A DOPE ADDICT.

OH, NOT A DOPE ADDICT!

COME ON, LOOK AT HIM,
HE'S HOOKED ON CIGARS.

I COULD UNHOOK MYSELF
FROM THE CIGARS, LIKE THAT.

SURE, SURE, THAT'S WHAT
ALL ADDICTS SAY, ARCH.

YOU COULD GO 24
HOURS WITHOUT SMOKIN'.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU COULD GO
24 MINUTES WITHOUT EATING.

MICHAEL HAS CHARACTER, DADDY.

HE COULD GO A WHOLE DAY
WITHOUT EATING, IF HE WANTED TO.

WELL, ARCHIE HAS CHARACTER, TOO.

HE COULD GO A WHOLE
DAY WITHOUT SMOKIN',

IF HE WANTED TO.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

DAMN WRONG!

Y-YOU'D GO NUTS WITHOUT
A CIGAR STUCK IN YOUR FACE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN I WAS IN
THE BIG WAR, W-W-2,

THERE WAS MANY THE TIME WE'D GO
FOR DAYS ON END WITHOUT NO SMOKES

AND THE BULLETS
WHISTLING OVER OUR HEADS.

WHAT I COULD DO BACK
THEN IN FOGGIA, ITALY,

I COULD DO RIGHT NOW
IN QUEENS, NEW YORK.

PROVE IT.

WHAT?

I GOT MONEY SAYS THAT I CAN GO
A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT SMOKING,

BUT YOU CAN'T DO A
WHOLE DAY WITHOUT EATING.

ARE YOU KIDDING
ME? I GOT THE MONEY.

TAKE THE BET, MICHAEL, TAKE IT.

OH, NO, I'LL TAKE THE
BET, I'LL TAKE THE BET,

BUT I THINK 1 DAY IS TOO EASY.

WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT 2 DAYS?

[grunting] BUT, MIKE,
YOU'LL STARVE TO DEATH!

NO, NO, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT FASTING,

YOU KNOW, LIKE GANDHI
OR CESAR CHAVEZ.

THEY DO IT FOR WEEKS ON END.

IT... IT CLEANSES THE BODY.

ALL YOU NEED IS WATER.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, 2 DAYS?

HOW MUCH? YOU NAME IT.

WELL, I'LL MAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF, SAY $5.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE IT $10?

WELL, YOU WANNA BE A WISE
GUY, LET'S GO THE WHOLE ROUTE.

WE MAKE IT $20. YOU'RE ON.

YOU'RE ON, YOU'RE ON. YOU'RE ON.

HERE'S MY $20, RIGHT HERE.

EDITH, YOU HOLD
THE STAKES, HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHERE'S
YOURS? GET IT UP.

UH, GLORIA, COULD
YOU LOAN ME $20?

COME ON, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA LOSE IT.

I DON'T KNOW, 2 DAYS IS A
LONG TIME WITHOUT FOOD.

IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE
THAT LONG, GLORIA,

BECAUSE YOUR FATHER'S NOT
GONNA BE ABLE TO LAST THAT LONG.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GET THE MONEY.

I AIN'T... I AIN'T SURE
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

OH, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.

ALL RIGHT, SO, THE BET
GOES FROM RIGHT NOW

RIGHT THROUGH BREAKFAST
MONDAY MORNING,

AND I'M GONNA KEEP A BEAGLE-EYE
ON YOU THE WHOLE WEEKEND.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, ARCH,

YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF,

BECAUSE I'M NOT LETTING
YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT.

(Archie) ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S THE MONEY, MA.

NOW I'M GONNA
SYNCHROSIZE THE WATCH.

12:00, NOON... AND THIS IS IT.

WOO-HOO, IT'S LUNCHTIME. I
BETTER GET IT ON THE TABLE.

EDITH, COME ON, I'M GETTING AWFUL
HUNGRY HERE. WHERE'S MY LUNCH?

MAYBE WE SHOULD
START AFTER LUNCH.

OH, NO. NONE OF THAT CRAPPOLA.

I SNUFFED OUT MY
CIGAR OVER THERE

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO SNUFF OUT YOUR APPETITE.

NO PROBLEM, ARCH.

[chuckles mockingly]

GOOD NIGHT, ARCH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP, I'M
WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS THE GOOFIEST
THING THAT EVER HAPPENED

UNDERNEATH MY ROOF.

AND IT TOOK YOU TO THINK IT UP.

ARCH, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
THIS THING IS GONNA WORK.

WE DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER.

ALL RIGHT, GET OVER THERE.

GET WAY OVER. I DON'T
WANT YOU TOUCHING ME!

ARCH, I'M ALMOST OFF THE BED.
I MIGHT AS WELL BE SLEEPING

ON THE FLOOR.

WELL, THAT WOULDN'T
BE A BAD IDEA.

IT WOULD SHOW YOU HAD A
LITTLE DELICACY LEFT IN YOU.

[Archie groans]

WILL YOU STOP THRASHING AROUND?

IT'S LIKE I WAS IN BED
WITH A TRAPPED ANIMAL.

I'M NOT USED TO SLEEPING
ON THIS SIDE OF THE BED.

WELL, WHEN I SLEEP
WITH EDITH, MY WIFE,

I SLEEP ON THIS SIDE OF THE BED.

WELL, WHEN I SLEEP WITH GLORIA,

I SLEEP ON THAT SIDE OF THE BED.

BUT YOU ARE SLEEPING NOW

WITH THE GUY THAT OWNS THE BED.

SO GET OVER THERE AND SHUT UP.

[groaning]

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

NOTHING. GO TO SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP WITH A
PERSON LOOKING AT ME.

THEN ROLL OVER.

NO, YOU ROLL OVER.

ARCH, I CAN'T SLEEP ON MY
LEFT SIDE. MY SINUS WON'T DRAIN.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT YOUR SINUS IS
DRAINING IN THIS BED?

YOU MEAN THAT I'M SLEEPING
WITH A GUY WITH A LEAK?

JUST ROLL OVER, WILL YOU?

YOU ARE A GUEST IN THIS BED
AND I'M STAYING ON THIS SIDE.

[grunts]

[sighing]

OH, JEEZ. WHAT THE
HELL IS THIS NOW?

I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP.
I'M GONNA READ.

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.

JUST PUT YOUR HEAD
UNDER THE COVERS.

AND BREATHE MY OWN
BREATH ALL NIGHT?

YOU KNOW YOU
COULD DIE FROM THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. HEY,
HEY, HEY. WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, NO, NO, NO. WAIT A
MINUTE THERE, MEATHEAD.

YOU'RE FAKING.
YOU DON'T GOTTA GO.

I'M FAKING IT?

I'VE HAD 2 DOZEN
GLASSES OF WATER TODAY.

I'M NOT FAKING IT. I'M DROWNING.

(Archie) WAIT.

WAIT. I'M GOING WITH
YOU TO THAT BATHROOM.

ARCH, I THINK I CAN
MANAGE ON MY OWN.

OH, NO. WAIT A
MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I AIN'T TAKING NO CHANCES ON YOU
SNEAKING DOWNSTAIRS TO THAT KITCHEN.

WELL, I'M TAKING A CHANCE THAT
YOU'LL STAY HERE AND SMOKE A CIGAR.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHY
DON'T WE TRUST EACH OTHER?

GO AHEAD BY YOURSELF.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S IN THE DRAWER?

Q-TIPS. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

NO, I'M NOT. NO, I'M NOT. NO, NO.
YEAH, YOU ARE. YEAH, YOU ARE.

(Gloria) MICHAEL, DADDY,
PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE.

JUST SHUT UP AND GO
TO SLEEP, LITTLE GIRL.

(Gloria) YOU ALREADY GOT MA UP.

WE CAN'T SLEEP
WITH ALL THIS NOISE.

WELL, THEN SHUT UP AND
STAY AWAKE, LITTLE GIRL.

GO AHEAD.

IF YOU DON'T COME WITH ME, ARCH,

THEN I'M GONNA GO DOWNSTAIRS,
INTO THE REFRIGERATOR

FOR ANOTHER GLASS OF ICE WATER

AFTER I'VE GONE TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, NO, NO. I'M GONNA STAY
RIGHT ON YOUR HEELS, MEATHEAD.

(Mike) OH, UH, EXCUSE ME, MA.

(Edith) OH, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

MA. IT'S TERRIBLE IN THERE. IT'S LIKE
BEING IN A CAGE WITH A COUPLE OF TIGERS.

I KNOW. NOTHING GOOD
EVER CAME OF BETTIN'.

[sighs] A DAY AND A
HALF WITHOUT FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
MICHAEL'S MANAGED IT SO FAR.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW DADDY'S
GETTING ON WITHOUT A CIGAR.

OH, EASY.

EVERY TIME HE WANTS A
CIGAR, HE YELLS AT ME INSTEAD.

ALL OVER ME HERE... YOU GOT
ALL THE ROOM IN THE WORLD HERE.

COME ON, DADDY. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO FOLLOW HIM EVERYWHERE HE GOES.

HE CAN BE TRUSTED.

ARE YOU KIDDING? AFTER
36 HOURS WITHOUT EATING?

HE'D GO THROUGH THIS
ICE BOX LIKE TYPHOON MARY.

I'M JUST GETTING ANOTHER
GLASS OF WATER, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL SEE THAT
WATER'S ALL YOU GET, TOO.

I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT'S
ALLOWED TO EAT AROUND HERE.

AND, OH, BOY, LOOK AT THIS
REFRIGERATOR, HOW FULL IT IS.

YEAH, CLOSE THE DOOR, WILL YA?

YOU DON'T LIKE THE SIGHT OF ALL
THAT DELICIOUS CHOW IN THERE?

OH, DADDY, STOP
THAT. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THANKS, GLORIA.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

DADDY, IF YOU HAD
ANY SENSE AT ALL,

YOU'D ADMIT HOW MUCH BETTER
YOU FEEL FOR NOT HAVING A CIGAR.

OH, DON'T MENTION THAT, WILL YA?
I'M TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT CIGARS.

TRY TO THINK ABOUT HOW NICE
THE HOUSE SMELLS WITHOUT 'EM.

EDITH, TO ME IT SMELLS LIKE
SOME KIND OF A SANIQUARIUM.

BUT NOT FOR LONG. I'M
GONNA BE PUMPING SOON HERE.

OH, DADDY, COME ON. YOU'VE
GIVEN IT UP FOR A DAY AND A HALF.

WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT THAT
YOU CAN GIVE IT UP ALTOGETHER,

AND THEN MICHAEL CAN EAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE CAN EAT ANYTIME HE WANTS.

TELL HIM GO AHEAD AND EAT.

SURE, AND LOSE THE BET!

[groaning]

(Gloria) CAN'T YOU SEE
HOW WEAK HE LOOKS?

YOU'RE STARVING, HUH, MEATHEAD?

[razzing] HAVE A RASPBERRY.

(Mike) WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING OUT FOR A WALK. YEAH,
YOU'RE GOING OUT FOR A WALK,

[groans] SURE, SO YOU CAN BUY
SOME CIGARS. NOTHING DOING.

I'LL WALK WITH YOU. BLAH,
BLAH. THE HELL WITH THE WALK.

I'LL GO UP TO THE TOILET.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE GOING TO THE BATHROOM?

MAYBE I CAN SAVE
YOU A LITTLE TRIP, ARCH.

UH... IF, UH...

IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR THIS.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

FOUND IT IN THE SPARE
ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

WHAT A CRAZY PLACE FOR A CIGAR.

YEAH, IT IS A CRAZY PLACE.

IT'S ALMOST AS CRAZY
AS PUTTING A CIGAR

OVER HERE ON THE WINDOWSILL.

YOU KNOW ANOTHER CRAZY
PLACE YOU COULD PUT A CIGAR?

UP HERE ON THE DOOR LEDGE.

YOU WERE TRYING TO CHEAT, ARCH.

YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT, BUDDY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT
THEM CIGARS WASN'T HERE

WHEN I BOUGHT THE DAMN HOUSE?

OH, DADDY, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO PLAY FAIR.

[groans] MICHAEL IS, AND THIS IS
NO PICNIC FOR HIM, YOU KNOW.

DON'T SAY "PICNIC," GLORIA.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

DON'T SAY "HONEY," GLORIA.

WHERE'S MY LITTLE BOX OF
CHOCOLATE MINIATURES, HERE?

DON'T SAY "CHOCOLATE," DADDY.

BESIDES, YOU ATE 'EM ALL.

DON'T SAY "ATE," GLORIA.

OH, YOU DON'T LIKE
THE WORD "ATE," HUH?

WELL, I'LL SAY
"ATE." ATE, ATE, ATE.

CUT IT OUT. HEY. STOP THAT. DON'T
SAY THAT. HONEY. PICNIC. HAMBURGER.

HOT DOG. HEY!

YOU CAN'T EAT? WELL, I CAN EAT AND
I'M GONNA START EATING RIGHT NOW.

ARCHIE, HOW CAN YOU
EAT? YOU JUST HAD DINNER.

DINNER WAS SO DELICIOUS I'M
GONNA HAVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL
BEEF STEW EDITH MADE HERE.

[exclaiming]

(Archie) OH, YEAH. SOME OF
THAT SUPERB POTATO SALAD.

HUH, MEATHEAD?

I NEARLY FORGOT THE DELICIOUS
WHIPPED CHOCOLATE PUDDING, HERE.

WAIT TILL I GET THE CHOCOLATE
PUDDING. TAKE A WHIFF OF THAT THERE.

I'LL START WITH THE
CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

[groaning] ARCHIE, IF YOU
EAT THAT, YOU'LL BUST.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE CAN A
MAN EAT A GORGEOUS MEAL LIKE THIS

AND WIN $20 AT THE SAME TIME?

YOU'RE A CRUEL MAN, ARCH.

I'M A WINNER, MEATHEAD.

AND NOW, SINCE I
DON'T LIKE TO EAT ALONE,

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN,
HAVE A GLASS OF WATER WITH ME?

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
BREAK ME DOWN, DON'T YOU? YEAH.

YOU THINK SO, HUH, PAL? YEAH.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK
BEFORE ME, BUDDY. OH, NO.

YEAH, YOU ARE. NO, I'M NOT.

LOOK WHERE HE'S GOING.
HE'S LOOKING FOR FOOD.

HE'S ROOTING IN THE
DRAWER OF THE SIDEBOARD.

I THINK HE'S GONNA
EAT A DECK OF CARDS.

LOOK AT THIS GUY. I THINK HIS
TONGUE IS HANGING OUT OF HIS EYES.

THIS $20 IS ALMOST MINE.

YOU CAN'T WAIT TO EAT
THERE, CAN YOU, MEATHEAD?

NO, BUT I KNOW WHAT
YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR.

AFTER YOU EAT, YOU
ALWAYS LIKE A NICE CIGAR.

AH!

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?

YOUR STOMACH'S ALL FULL
BUT THE LUNGS ARE SAYING,

"WHERE'S THE SMOKE?
SEND DOWN THE SMOKE."

MY LUNGS DON'T TELL ME NOTHIN'.

I BOSS OVER MY OWN LUNGS. YEAH.

BREATHE IN HARD, ARCH. YOU
GOTTA FILL THAT HOLE SOMEHOW.

I AIN'T GOT NO HOLE IN ME.

FEEL THE CRAVING.
FEEL THE CRAVING.

MIKE, STOP IT! I TOLD
YOU, YOU CAN FEEL IT.

HE'S GOING BERSERK HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE
NEEDS? HE NEEDS A FIX.

GIVE HIM A SHOT OF THAT
CHOCOLATE PUDDING HERE.

HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT WHAT? HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

I'M GONNA KEEP SMOKING AT YOU
LIKE YOU'VE BEEN EATING AT ME.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH?

JEEZ.

(Mike) NICE FINE TOBACCO.

GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU LOST, MEATHEAD.

YOU LOST. I LOST?
GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU LOST. NO, NO.

"A." BUNKER DON'T NEVER GIVE UP.

WELL, "M." STIVIC
DON'T NEVER GIVE UP.

WELL, "G." STIVIC IS
GIVING UP. GIVE ME THAT.

AND "E." BUNKER IS GIVING UP.

NOW, YOU TWO BOTH STOP THIS BET.

NO. NO, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF YOU EAT AT THE SAME
TIME THAT YOU SMOKE,

THEN NEITHER ONE OF YOU
WILL HAVE TO LOSE YOUR $20.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW BOTH OF YOU

STOP THE BET RIGHT NOW. NO, NO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I AIN'T GONNA STOP A BET.

I NEARLY GOT THE BET WON. I GOT
HIM HANGING ON THE ROPES HERE.

WHY SHOULD I... YOU WANNA QUIT?

I'LL QUIT IF YOU QUIT.

WELL, I'LL QUIT
IF YOU QUIT FIRST.

NO, NO, NO. WE DO IT, WE
DO IT, UH, THE SAME TIME.

ALL RIGHT. WHERE'S THE
CHOCOLATE PUDDING?

I GOT THE PUDDING. ALL
RIGHT. GIVE ME A CIGAR.

ALL RIGHT, HERE. NOT
THAT ONE FROM HIS MOUTH!

ALL RIGHT, HERE.
NO, NOT THEM EITHER.

THEY'RE THE CHEAP CHEWING KIND.

HERE. I GOT THE
PUFFING KIND RIGHT HERE.

OH, MY. IT'S JUST LIKE JACK LEMMON
IN THE DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES.

OH, THAT'S CHEATING.

ALL RIGHT. YOU READY? READY.

ALL RIGHT.

(both) 1, 2, 3, GO.

[laughs mockingly]

YOU STARTED EATING BEFORE I
STARTED PUFFING HERE, MEATHEAD.

NO, THAT'S NO FAIR!

OH, LOOK AT HIM YELLING WITH
HIS MOUTH FULL OF PUDDING THERE.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, BUDDY.

YOU GOTTA GET UP AWFUL EARLY
IN THE MORNING IF YOU GONNA...

AH, JEEZ.

BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTER.

(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.