All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 24 - Mike Makes His Move - full transcript

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪

(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪

♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪

♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪

♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪

♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪



♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

HI, MA. OH, HI.

I THINK I GOT ALL THE THINGS
YOU NEED FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, GLORIA.

GEE, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A
MORTGAGE BURNING PARTY.

WELL, IT AIN'T JUST FOR THAT.

WE'RE CELEBRATIN' MIKE'S
GRADUATIN' AND GETTIN' A JOB, TOO.

YEAH, I THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE
A GREAT COLLEGE INSTRUCTOR.

OH, YEAH, HE KNOWS SO MUCH.

EVEN ARCHIE SAID YOU
CAN'T TELL THAT GUY NOTHIN'.

I WONDER WHO DADDY'S GONNA
USE AS A TARGET WHEN WE MOVE OUT.

OH, GLORIA,

PLEASE DON'T TALK
ABOUT MOVIN' OUT.

WELL, MA, IT HAD TO
HAPPEN SOMETIME.



YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY, BIRDS GOTTA FLY.

YEAH, FISH GOTTA SWIM.

BUT I WAS HOPIN' YOU'D BE
FLYIN' AND SWIMMIN' AROUND HERE

A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

WELL, WE'LL STILL
BE IN THE CITY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO THE MOON, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I KNOW.

GLORIA, ARE YOU
EATING THAT BATTER?

NO, MA.

[giggling]

THROUGH THE MOUTH
AND OVER THE TONGUE.

(both) HELLO, STOMACH.
YUMMY-YUM-YUM.

GLORIA.

OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A PLACE OF YOUR OWN,

SO WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD?

OH, MA, YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

HEY, I BET MORTGAGE BURNING
IS AN OLD CUSTOM, HUH?

YEAH, YEAH.

IN MY FAMILY,

THE LAST ONE I WENT
TO WAS COUSIN HENRY'S.

OH, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

COUSIN HENRY GOT SO DRUNK,
HIS WIFE NEVER FORGAVE HIM.

WHY, FOR GETTING
DRUNK ON A DAY LIKE THAT?

NO, FOR SETTIN' FIRE TO THE
HOUSE WHEN HE LIT THE MORTGAGE.

WE HAD TO CELEBRATE
THE REST OF THE PARTY

ON THE OUTSIDE WITH THE FIREMEN.

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, HERE I AM!

WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?

ARCHIE. (Archie) HEY.

(Gloria) CONGRATULATIONS!
HERE WE ARE.

WELL, HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.

THE BUNKER MORTGAGE.

THE DECLARATION OF
INDEPENDENCE FOR US.

FROM NOW ON, WE
OWN THE WHOLE JOINT.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT. HUH, HUH.

20 YEARS.

[laughing] YEAH.

OH, ARCHIE.

DO YOU REMEMBER, YOU CARRIED
ME ACROSS THE DOORSTEP?

YEAH, SURE I DO.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID
WHEN I CARRIED YOU OVER?

YEAH, YOU SAID, "WATCH
YOUR HEAD, DINGBAT,

OR YOU'LL KNOCK
YOUR BRAINS OUT."

YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS.

BRING A BEER, HUH?

YEAH, SURE. RIGHT AWAY.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
ALL THIS IS ALL OURS!

I'M PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.

YEAH, WELL, WHY
SHOULDN'T YOU BE?

BUT YOU KNOW
SOMETHIN', LITTLE GIRL?

IT WAS YOU THAT TURNED
OUR HOUSE INTO A HOME.

AW, THANKS.

THEN YOU MARRIED THE MEATHEAD AND
HE TURNED IT INTO AN ALL-NIGHT DINER.

YOU CAN NEVER BE NICE
WITHOUT SPOILING IT!

WHAT DID I SAY?

WELL, YOU CAN'T
PICK ON HIM ANYMORE,

BECAUSE HE'S OUT LOOKING
FOR AN APARTMENT RIGHT NOW.

BUT IT'S BEEN 2 WEEKS.

WHY CAN'T HE FIND NOTHIN'?

DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE HIDIN' THE
BUILDINGS WHEN THEY SEE HIM COMIN'.

HERE'S YOUR BEER.

THIS IS NEW YORK,
DADDY. LEAVE IT THERE.

IT'S HARD FOR US TO FIND
A PLACE WE CAN AFFORD.

WELL, LET HIM TRY
OVER IN JERSEY.

THAT WOULD MEAN HE'D BE LIVIN' AN HOUR
AND A HALF AWAY FROM WHERE HE WORKED.

WELL, LOOK AT THE GOOD
SIDE. HE'D BE 3 HOURS FROM US.

HI. (Edith) HI, MIKE.

(Gloria) HI, HONEY. TRY JERSEY.

[door closing]

HUH?

FORGET HIM.

DON'T TELL ME, LET ME GUESS.

NO LUCK. OH, PLENTY
OF LUCK, ALL BAD.

THE PROBLEM IS, OUR INCOME I-I-IS
TOO LOW FOR PRIVATE DEVELOPMENTS,

TOO HIGH FOR CITY HOUSING.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A CUT IN
WAGES AND MOVE INTO THE SLUMS?

FUNNY.

TROUBLE WITH YOU, MEATHEAD, IS
YOU GOT THINGS TOO SOFT THERE.

EDITH AND ME, WE DIDN'T HAVE THINGS
SOFT WHEN WE WERE STARTIN' OUT.

ASK HER. WE DIDN'T
LIVE WITH MY FAMILY.

NO, WE WAS LIVIN' WITH MINE.

SHUT UP.

MIKE, DID YOU LOOK AT THE
PLACE NEAR THAT MARKET?

YEAH, MA, BUT IT'S NOT
A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD.

BUT THE AD SAID IT WAS
A SECURITY BUILDING.

YEAH, THAT MEANS IT'S A SHORT
SCREAM FROM THE POLICE STATION.

[telephone ringing]

I'LL GET THAT.

SOMETHING TELLS ME,
MEATHEAD, THAT YOU

AREN'T REALLY LOOKIN'
HARD FOR AN APARTMENT.

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

I WANNA GET OUT OF
HERE SO BAD I CAN TASTE IT.

OH, YOU'D DO ANYTHING
IF YOU COULD TASTE IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM
YOU ANYMORE, ARCH. I GOT A JOB NOW.

OH, YEAH. JEEZ, I KEEP
FORGETTIN', HE'S WORKIN' NOW.

YEAH, AND IT'S A VERY
IMPORTANT JOB, TOO, TEACHIN'.

I THINK HE'S GONNA TEACH THE COLOREDS
AND THE PUERTO RICANS TO BE POLACK.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO MISS MOST.

YOUR ELOQUENT VERBALIZATION
OF TOTAL ABSURDITY.

AND I DIDN'T FINISH
HIGH SCHOOL NEITHER.

MICHAEL, THAT WAS
THE REAL ESTATE AGENT.

WE HAVE THE CHANCE OF AN
APARTMENT, BUT $240 A MONTH, 4 ROOMS.

$240! LET'S GO!

THIS IS IT, ARCH. THIS IS IT.

BY THE END OF THIS WEEK,

YOU WON'T HAVE MIKE STIVIC
TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE.

[Archie grunting]

WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'
IN THE KIDS' BEDROOM?

OH, NOTHING.

I WAS JUST THINKIN' OF ALL
THE NIGHTS I'VE SPENT UP HERE

SINGIN' TO GLORIA TO TRY
TO MAKE HER GO TO SLEEP.

YOU COULD NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.

THAT'S WHAT WAS
KEEPING HER AWAKE.

ARCHIE.

I AM GONNA MISS HER.

OH, WELL, I KNOW, EDITH.

BUT YOU KNOW,
THERE IS AN OLD SAYIN',

BIRDS GOTTA FLY, FISH GOTTA FRY.

SWIM. YEAH, THAT, TOO.

I GUESS IT AIN'T SO HARD FOR A
FATHER AS IT IS FOR A MOTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'? I
DON'T LOVE MY LITTLE GIRL?

OH, NO, ARCHIE.
IT'S JUST THAT...

THIS IS WHERE SHE USED
TO CRY ON MY SHOULDER.

AND SHARE HER LITTLE
SECRETS WITH ME.

DON'T START!

I SPENT A LOT OF
TIME IN THIS ROOM.

ALL RIGHT. I DONE
TIME HERE, TOO.

AND WHEN SHE WAS SICK,

WHEN SHE HAD THE MUMPS
I WAS UP HERE ALL THE TIME.

WELL, I SPENT THE WHOLE
OF THAT TIME UPSTAIRS, TOO.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU
CAUGHT 'EM FROM HER.

[Archie exclaiming]

LET ME TELL YOU,
DON'T LOOK BACK.

LOOK AHEAD. LOOK AHEAD.

TO WHAT?

TO THE TIME WHEN THIS
BEDROOM BECOMES MY DEN.

FIRST THING WE DO IS WE
SELL THE KIDS' BED HERE

AS SOON AS IT COOLS DOWN.

AND I FIGURE MAYBE WE PUT A
LITTLE FIREPLACE RIGHT OVER THERE.

BUT, ARCHIE, THIS ROOM
AIN'T GOT NO CHIMNEY.

I DON'T MEAN THE OLD-FASHIONED
KIND FOR BURNING THERE, EDITH.

I MEAN THE NICE, NEW,
MODERN ONE THERE, YOU KNOW.

A BEAUTIFUL PLASTIC LOG
AND A RED BULB IN THE MIDDLE.

AND THEN I FIGURE WE... WE
DO THE WHOLE ROOM OVER

IN THAT BEAUTIFUL NEW
STIMULATED WOOD PANELING.

[door closing]

OH, THERE'S MIKE
AND GLORIA BACK!

WITH A LEASE IN
THEIR POCKETS, I HOPE.

THE PLACE WAS FILTHY.

YEAH, IT WAS THE WORST ONE YET.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA
GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, OH, OH, I DON'T
WANT TO HEAR THAT!

DID YOU TRY JERSEY?

IT'S TERRIBLE, MA.

IT WAS DIRTY AND
TINY AND $280 A MONTH.

WHO WOULD RENT
A PLACE LIKE THAT?

I SAW A RAT THIS
BIG ON THE STAIRS.

SURE HE WAS ON THE STAIRS.
WHERE DID YOU EXPECT TO FIND HIM?

TAKING THE ELEVATOR?

OH, THEY WOULDN'T WANNA
LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE THAT.

AH, THIS GUY'D LOOK FOR ANY
EXCUSE TO STAY RIGHT HERE.

HEY, HEY, I SAID I WAS
GONNA GET OUT OF HERE

BY THE END OF THIS
WEEK AND I SWEAR IT.

YOU SWEAR? AN
ATHEIST? WHO'S LISTENIN'?

[telephone ringing]

HELLO.

OH, HI, LIONEL.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. YEAH.

UH, HOLD ON A SECOND.

MA, I-IT'S LIONEL. HE SAYS HE CAN'T
MAKE IT TO THE PARTY TONIGHT.

OH, WELL TELL HIM I'M SORRY.

YEAH. UH, MA SAYS SHE'S SORRY.

NO. I STILL CAN'T
FIND AN APARTMENT.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKIN'
WITH A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD.

WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

TRY JERSEY!

I HATE JERSEY!

EVERYBODY HATES JERSEY.

BUT SOMEBODY'S GOTTA LIVE THERE.

LIONEL, IF I DON'T GET OUT
OF HERE, I'M GONNA GO CRAZY.

GOOD, THEN YOU CAN
MOVE TO BELLEVUE.

HEY, WELL, GOOD LUCK, MAN.

YEAH. GOODBYE.

WHAT YOU LOOKIN' SO
DOWN IN THE MOUTH ABOUT?

UH, MIKE STIVIC'S
REALLY GOT A PROBLEM.

WHY? DID BUNKER PADLOCK
THE REFRIGERATOR?

NO, NO. SEE, MIKE AND GLORIA ARE HAVIN'
A HARD TIME FINDING SOMEPLACE TO LIVE.

BUT HE SAID HE'S GOTTA
GET AWAY FROM ARCHIE.

THEY DO? HMM.

I WONDER HOW OLD BUNKER
WOULD FEEL IF I RENTED THOSE KIDS

OUR OLD HOUSE RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO HIM?

HE'D PROBABLY KILL HIMSELF.

YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU
WANTED TO SELL THAT HOUSE, POP?

WELL, I CAN'T. THERE'S
NO MARKET FOR IT.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT
JUST MIGHT PAY ME

TO RENT THAT
HOUSE TO THOSE KIDS.

UNTIL THE INTEREST
RATES COME DOWN.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A
MEAN STREAK IN YOU, POP.

YEP. AND IT SURE DOES COME
IN HANDY AT TIMES LIKE THIS.

WELL, I HATE TO SPOIL YOUR FUN,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY MIKE'S GONNA
RENT THAT HOUSE. NEXT DOOR TO ARCHIE?

OH, NO?

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I
GUESS I JUST HAVE TO

MAKE HIM AN OFFER
THAT HE CAN'T REFUSE.

WHOO.

♪ WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU ♪

♪ A PAL GOOD AND TRUE ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO LEAVE IT ALL ♪

♪ BEHIND AND GO AND FIND ♪

♪ SOMEPLACE THAT'S KNOWN ♪

♪ TO GOD ALONE ♪

♪ JUST A SPOT ♪

♪ TO CALL OUR OWN ♪

♪ WE'LL FIND PERFECT PEACE ♪

♪ WHERE JOYS NEVER CEASE ♪

♪ OUT THERE BENEATH
THE KINDLY SKY ♪

♪ KINDLY SKY ♪

[laughing]

(all) ♪ WE'LL BUILD A
SWEET LITTLE NEST ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE IN THE WEST ♪

♪ AND LET THE REST
OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ GO BY ♪

[exclaiming]

OH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

ARCHIE, YOU SURE MUST FEEL GOOD

OWNING YOUR OWN HOME
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

WHY, YEAH. WHY SHOULDN'T I?

WELL, FROM NOW ON
EVERY TERMITE IN THIS HOUSE

WILL BE HAVING LUNCH ON YOU.

OH, JEEZ, YEAH.

HEY, WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA OPEN MY PRESENT?

WELL, I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL
AFTER THE MORTGAGE BURNIN'.

AH, OPEN IT, MA.

[telephone ringing] ALL RIGHT.

GET THE PHONE. GET THE
PHONE. ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.

I FEEL BAD NOT
BRINGING ANYTHING.

OH, YOU MUSTN'T, JO.

ALL WE WANTED YOU TO
DO WAS BRING YOURSELVES.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ARCHIE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
SAVE YOUR MONEY.

JEEZ, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
NOWADAYS, I MEAN,

HOW DO YOUS OLD
FOLKS MAKE ENDS MEET?

WELL, WE SLEEP IN A SINGLE BED.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE
HIM. IT'S NOT TRUE.

WELL, SOMETIMES WE SLEEP, BABY.

DON'T LET HIS FACE FOOL YOU.
THERE AIN'T NO FLIES ON HIM.

ARCHIE, LOOK! IT'S
AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.

OH-OH, UH-HUH.

OH, THANK YOU, IRENE. ENJOY.

WELL, I'LL TELL
YOU A TRUTH, IRENE,

YOU KNOW, I'M A LITTLE
SCARED OF THEM THINGS.

I... I READ SOMEPLACE THAT, UH, THEY CAN
BE DANGEROUS IF THE BLANKET GETS WET.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD
THAT PROBLEM, SONNY.

THANK YOU, IRENE.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHO WAS THAT ON
THE PHONE, GLORIA?

OH, NOBODY. I'M GONNA GO
SEE WHAT'S KEEPING MICHAEL.

HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD SONG FOR
A MORTGAGE BURNING PARTY. YEAH.

UH... ♪ I DON'T WANNA
SET THE WORLD ♪

(both) ♪ ON FIRE ♪

♪ I JUST WANT TO BURN
A MORTGAGE TONIGHT ♪

[all laughing]

UH, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, HONEY.

MICHAEL,

WE JUST GOT AN OFFER
FOR A 5-ROOM HOUSE.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE.

WE CAN AFFORD THIS
ONE. IT'S $220 A MONTH.

WHAT'S THE CATCH? IS IT ON FIRE?

NO, IT'S IN TERRIFIC CONDITION.

I JUST DON'T THINK
YOU'LL LIKE THE VIEW.

WELL, WHO... WHO
CARES ABOUT THE VIEW?

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

BUT WHY? WHAT
DOES IT LOOK OUT ON?

THIS HOUSE.

HUH?

GEORGE JEFFERSON JUST
CALLED AND WANTED TO KNOW

IF WE WANTED TO RENT
HIS OLD HOUSE NEXT DOOR.

OH, WELL... WELL,
YOU TOLD HIM NO.

WELL, OF COURSE I SAID
THANKS BUT FORGET IT.

WE'RE NOT LIVIN' NEXT
DOOR TO YOUR FATHER.

HONEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO CONVINCE ME.

I LOVE MY PARENTS.

BUT I WOULDN'T WANNA LIVE
NEXT DOOR TO 'EM EITHER.

GOOD.

STILL AT THAT PRICE, IT'S GONNA
TO BE A GOOD HOUSE FOR SOMEBODY.

YEAH, SOMEBODY ELSE.

SOMEBODY ARCHIE
CAN GET ALONG WITH.

LIKE WHO?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IF NIXON CAN'T MAKE
HIS PAYMENTS AT SAN CLEMENTE.

I BET YOU'LL MISS THE
KIDS WHEN THEY MOVE OUT.

OH, YEAH. THE HOUSE IS
GONNA SEEM SO EMPTY.

[telephone ringing] I'LL GET IT.

[doorbell buzzing]

OH, I'LL GET IT.

NO, I'LL GET THAT. YOU GET THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU? A THOUSAND LEGGER?

HEY, HEY, MUNSON,
KELSEY HEY, ARCH.

HI. COME ON IN. COME ON IN.

HEY, EDITH, GET OFF THE PHONE.

SAY HELLO TO MUNSON AND KELSEY.

HELLO, MR. MUNSON.
HELLO, MR. KELSEY.

HEY, MR. QUIGLEY. HOW ARE YOU?

MIKE, TELEPHONE! ARCH, WE JUST
BRUNG YOU A COUPLE OF LITTLE PRESENTS.

OH, GEE. WHY DID YOU
THINK YOU HAD TO DO THAT?

'CAUSE YOU ASKED US TO.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN I'M KIDDIN'?

YEAH. THAT'S WHY WE BOUGHT 'EM.

AH.

HE'S GOT SOMETHIN' HERE.
YOU DIDN'T BRING NOTHIN', HUH?

OH, OH, I'M SENDIN'
OVER A CASE OF BEER.

IT ONLY SEEMED FAIR.

AFTER ALL, THAT THERE IS WHAT
PAID OFF MY MORTGAGE ON THE BAR.

COME ON, COME ON, GUYS. SIT
DOWN. SIT DOWN OVER THERE.

YEAH, NOT MY CHAIR, KELSEY.

I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD STOP OVER.

COULD I GET YOU
SOMETHIN' TO DRINK?

YEAH, I'LL HAVE A
SCOTCH. HE'LL HAVE A RYE.

I'LL HAVE A SCOTCH. HERE.

HEY, ARCH, I KNOW
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

(Archie) OH, TAKE A LOOK...

AIN'T THAT NICE?

YEAH. IT'S, UH, IT'S A
SHRUNKEN COLORED GUY.

AND I THINK HE'S IN FRONT OF ALL
THOSE RITZY PLACES ON LONG ISLAND.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, WELL, UH,
DON'T THEY COME IN WHITE?

THAT WAS GEORGE JEFFERSON AGAIN.

HE WANTS TO KNOCK THE
PRICE DOWN TO $190 A MONTH.

BY $190. THAT MAKES YOU THINK.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT MAKES ME THINK.

IT MAKES ME THINK
THAT GEORGE JEFFERSON

IS USIN' US AS PAWNS TO GET AT
ARCHIE. WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

THEN IT'S DEFINITELY OUT?

WELL, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, ARCH,

I CAN ALWAYS TRADE
IT IN FOR A SPITTOON.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, MUNSON.
NO, NO, NO, WE'LL KEEP THAT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S
THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

OF COURSE, YOU COULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF SOMETHIN' ELSE.

ARCHIE, YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA
PUT THAT IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE?

NO. JEEZ, I'D HAVE HALF OF HARLEM
HERE, THINKIN' I WAS RENTIN' ROOMS.

BRILLIANT. THANKS A LOT.

HEY, UH, GLORIA,
UH, THAT RING THERE

IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO TIE YOUR HORSE.

WHAT IF I GOT A CAMEL?

GLORIA, WOULD YOU
HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN?

EVERYBODY, NOW I'M GOING
TO BRING IN THE BIG SURPRISE.

[all agreeing]

I REALLY LOVE SURPRISES.
DON'T YOU MR. QUIGLEY?

WELL, AT MY AGE, EVERY
TIME I WAKE UP, IT'S A SURPRISE.

YOU'RE SUCH A CLEVER WOMAN, MA.

ONE CANDLE FOR EVERY
YEAR OF THE MORTGAGE.

YEAH, 20 HAPPY YEARS.

OH, AND I HOPE YOU HAVE ANOTHER
20 HAPPY YEARS IN THIS HOUSE.

OH, WELL, WITHOUT YOU
AND MIKE, I AIN'T SO SURE.

MA. OH, I KNOW.
BIRDS GOTTA SWIM.

YEAH.

GLORIA, I JUST TOOK THE
STRANGEST PHONE CALL FOR YOU.

IT... IT WAS A MAN
AND ALL HE SAID WAS,

"TELL GLORIA THAT INCLUDES
CARPETS AND DRAPES",

AND BANG, HE HUNG UP.

CARPETS AND DRAPES.

OH, MAYBE IT'S AN APARTMENT.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY, MA.

MICHAEL, MICHAEL, COME.

CARPETS AND DRAPES. NO.

TA-DA!

[all cheering]

NOW, ARCHIE, YOU
GOTTA MAKE A WISH

AND BLOW ALL THE CANDLES OUT.

I KNOW THAT.

LET ME MAKE THAT WISH HERE.

HURRY. THE CANDLES ARE DRIPPING.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT. OK.

(Edith) OH, DON'T HELP HIM.

[all cheering]

MY WISH DIDN'T
COME TRUE. WHY NOT?

THE MEATHEAD IS STILL HERE.

OK, COME ON, NOW WE
GOT TO GO TO THE BIG EVENT

OF THE EVENING NOW. BURNIN'
THE MORTGAGE OVER HERE.

ARCHIE, BE CAREFUL. DON'T
SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE.

REMEMBER COUSIN HENRY.
YEAH, I ALWAYS HATED HIM.

[telephone ringing]

ALL RIGHT, PAUSE.
PAUSE FOR THE PHONE.

YES, THIS IS GLORIA.

WHAT PRICE? OH,
THAT'S FANTASTIC!

GLORIA, TELL HIM NO.

TELL WHO NO ABOUT WHAT?

WELL, I HAVE TO TALK TO MICHAEL
ABOUT IT FIRST, THEN I'LL CALL YOU, OK?

YEAH, THANKS. BYE. I
DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

HONEY, YOU GOT TO HEAR
THIS. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

COME ON, I WANNA
BURN THIS THING, NOW.

I DON'T HEAR YOU.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M ASKING YOU TO LISTEN TO
WHAT GEORGE JEFFERSON SAID.

WE CAN HAVE THAT PLACE ON A
ONE YEAR LEASE FOR $180 A MONTH.

NO. OH, HONEY, COME ON.

IT WILL JUST BE TEMPORARY
UNTIL WE FIND AN APARTMENT.

YEAH, TEMPORARY. LIKE SOME
FORMS OF INSANITY. FORGET IT.

COME ON, NOW IN THE
BURNING CEREMONY.

WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT?

WELL, WE'RE NOT ARGUING, MA.

WE'RE NOT RENTING
THAT HOUSE, GLORIA.

WHAT HOUSE? UH, I DON'T KNOW.

MICHAEL, 5 ROOMS, CARPETS
AND DRAPES, AND $180 A MONTH.

NO. WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT AM I HEARIN' HERE?

5 ROOMS, CARPETS AND DRAPES.

HOW MUCH WAS THAT...
$100... $180 A MONTH.

YOU'RE TAKING
THAT. NO, WE'RE NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO, WE'RE NOT.

GLORIA, THAT MAN CALLED AGAIN.

AND HE SAID, YOU CAN
HAVE IT WITHOUT A LEASE

ON A MONTH-TO-MONTH
BASIS FOR A $165 A MONTH.

A $165.

WE'RE NOT TAKING IT.

YES, YOU ARE!

WOULD YOU STAY OUT OF THIS? YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A JERK IF YOU
DON'T JUMP ON THAT FOR A 3-YEAR LEASE.

WE'RE NOT TAKIN' IT!

THEN I HAVE NO RESPECT
FOR YOU, WHATSEVER.

'CAUSE YOU ARE A MOOCHOER
WHO WANTS TO STAY HERE!

HEY, HEY. ARCHIE.

DON'T ARCHIE ME. DO YOU HEAR
WHAT HE'S PASSIN' UP THERE?

WELL, DADDY, HE HAS HIS REASONS.

I KNOW TWO OF THEM.

MY ROOF AND MY ICE BOX.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE HOUSE?

I CERTAINLY DO! FINE,
I'M TAKIN' THE HOUSE!

NOW, YOU'RE TALKIN'! OK, BUDDY!

MICHAEL. NOW YOU GOT IT!

THANK YOU, HONEY.

COME ON. LET'S
BURNIN' THE MORT...

COME ON, GUYS. COME OVER HERE.

COME ON, EACH OF YOUS, LIGHT
A CORNER OF THIS THING HERE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

[all chattering]

OK. HEY, HEY.

(Gloria) YEAH.

AS NAPOLEON SAID TO
WATERLOO, "THIS IS THIS".

[all laughing] OK.

NOW, IT'S A DOUBLE
CEREMONY HERE.

BECAUSE MY SON-IN-LAW, WHO I
JUST LEARNT TO RESPECT OUT THERE,

IS FINALLY TAKING
A PLACE OF HIS OWN.

[all cheering] YEAH,
WE HAVE A HOME.

(Munson) CONGRATULATIONS.

WHERE IS YOUR NEW HOUSE, GLORIA?

WELL, IT'S NOT FAR FROM HERE.

REALLY? W-W-WAIT.
HOW FAR IS NOT FAR?

NEXT DOOR IS NOT FAR.

WHAT?

YOU JUST FORCED US TO
TAKE THE JEFFERSON HOUSE.

THE JEFFERSON'S?

GLORIA! YES, YES.

MY LITTLE BIRD
DIDN'T FLY AFTER ALL.

(Irene) HI, NEIGHBOR.
OH, HI, NEIGHBOR.

WE'RE NEIGHBORS NOW.

WILL YOU SHUT UP? YOU
AND YOUR LITTLE BIRD?

THE JEF... DO YOU MEAN THE
ACROSS THE ALLEY JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

THE DRY-CLEANIN' JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

THE GEORGE JEFFERSONS?

THAT'S THE HOUSE.

MIKE, NOW YOU CUT THE CAKE.

EVERYBODY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE COFFEE AND CAKE NOW

TO CELEBRATE.

♪ [singing]

[all chattering]

HOW ABOUT DAD TAKING
THE WAX OFF IT FIRST, HONEY.

YOU DON'T WANNA EAT THE WAX.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU'RE
FORGETTIN' A LITTLE PIECE OF WAX.

DON'T YOU SEE IT OVER THERE?

YEAH, THERE IT IS.

[Gloria screaming]

OH!

♪ HI, NEIGHBOR,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW? ♪

♪ AND WHAT DO YOU SAY? ♪

♪ HI, NEIGHBOR, HI, NEIGHBOR ♪

(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.