All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 20 - Everybody Does It - full transcript

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪

(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪

♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪

♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪

♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪

(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪



♪ THOSE WERE ♪

♪ THE DAYS ♪

♪ MY BLUE HEAVEN ♪

[screeching] ♪ YOU'LL
SEE A SMILIN' FACE ♪

♪ A FIREPLACE, A COZY ROOM ♪

♪ LITTLE NEST THAT
NESTLES WHERE THE RO... ♪

OH, ARCHIE!

I DIDN'T HEAR
YOU. I WAS SINGIN'.

YOU KNOW THERE'S 3
CATS ON THE SIDEWALK

THAT WANNA MAKE A
QUARTET WITH YOU?

I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

NOW, JUST HOLD THE DOOR
OPEN HERE FOR ME NOW.

HOLD IT OPEN UNTIL I
GET THIS IN, EDITH. OH.

KEEP IT WIDE OPEN THERE, HUH?



ARE YOU IN THE WAY? NO.

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

OH, JEEZ!

EDITH, I HURT THE
KNUCKLES OF MY RIGHT HAND.

WHAT IS THAT FOR?

OH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT THIS IS FOR, EDITH.

I'M GONNA BUILD YOU AN OVERHANG
FOR THE BACK PORCH OUT THERE.

SO THAT WHEN YOU'RE LUGGIN'
THE GARBAGE OUT IN THE RAIN,

YOU DON'T GET WET.

OH.

ARCHIE, THAT'S SO THOUGHTFUL.

I BET I GOT THE BEST
HUSBAND IN THE WORLD.

THAT AIN'T A BAD BET.
THAT'S A SURE THING.

I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

LOOK, WE GOT AN EXTRA
PLACE AT THE TABLE.

OH, YOU FINALLY WISED UP
THAT MEATHEAD'S EATIN' FOR 2.

NO, WE'RE HAVING A GUEST.

A FRIEND OF YOURS
FROM THE PLANT.

OH, YEAH? WHO?
STRETCH CUNNINGHAM?

NO, IRENE LORENZO.

IRENE! OH, EDITH, WHY
DID YOU INVITE HER?

THAT WOMAN ALWAYS TRAPS
ME INTO ARGUMENTS I CAN'T WIN.

OH.

ARCHIE, I DON'T SEE MUCH OF HER

SINCE SHE GOT THAT FORKLIFTIN'
JOB DOWN AT THE PLANT.

BUT, EDITH, I SEE HER
EVERYDAY AT THE PLANT.

ONLY DOWN THERE, I GET
PAID FOR LOOKING AT HER.

HERE, I GOT TO LOOK
AT HER FOR NOTHING.

SHE WON'T STAY LONG.

HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S
THE STINK IN THE OVEN?

WHAT KIND OF AN ANIMAL
YOU COOKING IN THERE?

IT AIN'T NO ANIMAL.
IT'S FISH. HALIBUT.

FISH? EDITH, FRIDAY IS SUPPOSED
TO BE FOR MY MEATLOAF THAT I LOVE.

I KNOW, ARCHIE, BUT
IRENE IS CATHOLIC.

SO I GOTTA PAY FOR HER MISTAKE?

ARCHIE, BE NICE. AH, JEEZ.

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, WAIT
A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, ALL RIGHT FOR
TONIGHT. WHAT'S DONE IS DID.

BUT FROM NOW ON, DON'T
NEVER ASK THAT WOMAN AGAIN

WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST.

ALL RIGHT.

AND DON'T NEVER ASK ME.

HI, ARCH. HI, MA.

HI, MIKE.

MA, DID I GET ANY
PHONE CALLS TODAY?

NO.

HOW COME WE'RE
HAVING HALIBUT TONIGHT?

GEE, WITH A NOSE LIKE
YOURS, YOU DON'T NEED EYES.

YOU KNOW, FRIDAY NIGHT,

YOU KNOW, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE HAVING MEATLOAF.

IRENE IS COMIN' OVER.

YEAH, THE REVEREND
MOTHER FORKLIFT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE HAVIN'
FISH HERE, AND I HATE FISH.

YEAH? I LIKE FISH.

WELL, JEEZ, YOU'D EAT ANYTHING
THAT COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM YOU.

ALL MY LIFE, I STOOD
AWAY FROM FISH.

YEAH, I KNEW THAT.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

FISH IS A BRAIN FOOD.

GET AWAY FROM ME, HUH?

HI, DADDY. HI, MICHAEL.

HI, HONEY.

WHAT'S THAT PIECE
OF WOOD DOIN' HERE?

OH, THAT. I'M GONNA
BUILD AN OVERHANG

FOR YOUR MOTHER ON
THE BACK PORCH THERE.

AND, MEATHEAD, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR
HELP TOMORROW, NAILING THAT THING UP.

OH, THEN WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BUY SOME NAILS

BECAUSE I USED THE LAST
ONE TO FIX THE CELLAR STEP.

OH, NO, NO, NO, WE AIN'T
GONNA HAVE TO BUY NOTHIN'.

I PICKED UP SOME NAILS
DOWN AT WORK TODAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU "PICKED
UP SOME NAILS DOWN AT WORK"?

I MEAN, THERE THEY
WERE, AND HERE THEY ARE.

THEY DON'T BELONG TO YOU.

AH, THEY DO NOW.

BUT, ARCH, TAKING SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, TH-TH-THAT'S STEALING.

AH, WHAT THE HELL YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT STEALIN', ANYWAY?

IT AIN'T STEALIN'. NOT WHEN
YOU TAKE IT FROM WORK.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL, UH,
ONE OF YOUR FRINGE BENEFITS.

EVERYBODY DOES THAT.

NO, THEY DON'T, ARCH.

AND IF THEY DO, THEY'RE WRONG.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'.

DON'T YOU KNOW, BIG COMPANIES,

THEY ALWAYS ORDER
EXTRA STUFF THERE

SO THE WORKERS
CAN TAKE SOME HOME?

YOU SEE, THAT'S TO KEEP
THE WORKERS FROM STEALING.

DADDY, MICHAEL'S
RIGHT. IT'S NOT HONEST.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
GO AGAINST YOUR DADDY?

I'M ONLY DOING
WHAT YOU TAUGHT ME:

"NEVER TAKE ANYTHING
THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU."

AND I NEVER HAVE.

W-W-W-WAIT A
MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE
LITTLE LIPSTICKS THAT

YOU TAKE HOME FROM
THE COSMETICS COUNTER?

MICHAEL, THOSE DON'T COUNT.

THOSE ARE JUST SAMPLES.

UH-UH, YOU'RE RATIONALIZING.

HONEY, WE GIVE THOSE
AWAY FREE TO THE CUSTOMERS.

I JUST BROUGHT HOME
A FEW FOR MYSELF.

ARE YOU A CUSTOMER?

WELL, NO. I...

I'M A CROOK. YOU'RE
RIGHT, I'M A CROOK.

HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

DON'T SAY YOU'RE A
CROOK, JUST 'CAUSE OF HIM.

HE'D BE TAKING STUFF HOME FROM
WORK, TOO, IF HE ONLY HAD WORK.

I NEVER TOOK ANYTHING
THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO ME.

YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER.

[doorbell ringing]

OH, I'LL GET IT. THAT'S IRENE.

YEAH, GO OPEN THE
DOOR FOR MRS. FISH.

HI, IRENE.

HI, EVERYBODY.

DINNER WILL BE
READY IN A MINUTE.

OH, HERE'S SOME CHIANTI
TO HAVE WITH DINNER.

OH, MY. OH, THANK YOU.

LOOK, ARCHIE, CHIANTI.

I LIKE MORGAN DAVIS BETTER.

GLORIA, WOULD YOU
HELP ME, PLEASE?

(Gloria) SURE, MA.

IT'S A NICE RED WINE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO WELL
WITH YOUR FRIDAY-NIGHT MEATLOAF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"MEATLOAF"? WE'RE HAVING FISH.

IN HONOR OF YOUR RELIGION, WE
SLAUGHTERED A FATTED HALIBUT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

WE CAN EAT MEAT ON FRIDAY.

OH, YEAH? SINCE WHEN?

SINCE THE POPE SAID WE COULD.

JEEZ, I KNEW HE
WAS IN REAL ESTATE.

WHEN DID HE GO INTO
THE MEAT BUSINESS?

I MAY HAVE TO GO TO
CONFESSION TOMORROW.

WHY?

'CAUSE I MAY KILL YOU TONIGHT.

THAT AIN'T NICE, IRENE.

HEY, IRENE, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DID YOU EVER TAKE
ANYTHING HOME FROM WORK?

WHAT?

OH, DON'T PAY NO
ATTENTION TO HIM.

HE'S BUGGIN' ME, BECAUSE I'M
GONNA DO SOME WORK OUT BACK,

AND I JUST BORROWED A
FEW NAILS FROM THE PLANT.

YOU MEAN YOU TOOK
A WHOLE BOX, ARCH.

IRENE, YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT
TO TAKE THINGS FROM WORK?

NO, I'M AFRAID I WAS RAISED
BY STRICTLY HONEST PARENTS.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK
RAISED ME, BONNIE AND CLYDE?

WE'RE JUST TALKIN' ABOUT
A FEW LOUSY NAILS HERE.

ARCHIE, WHAT WAS THIS
DOIN' IN YOUR LUNCH BOX?

(Archie) OH!

EDITH!

GIVE ME THAT DRILL!

DON'T BE ROOTING
AROUND IN MY LUNCH BOX.

ARCHIE, THAT'S A COMPANY DRILL.

DID YOU TAKE THAT FROM WORK?

I DIDN'T TAKE NOTHIN'. I
BORROWED IT FROM THE PLANT.

I'M GONNA BRING IT
BACK MONDAY MORNING.

AND DON'T GO BLOWIN' ABOUT
THIS DOWN AT WORK NOW.

ARCHIE, YOU'RE TAKING
AN AWFUL RISK. AH.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE
SIGNS MEAN ALL OVER THE PLANT?

AH, WHICH ONE?

"PILFERERS WILL BE PROSECUTED."

THAT MEANS, "QUEERS, STAY
OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM."

ARCHIE, THAT
MEANS, "NO STEALING."

HEY, I DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN'.

AND IF I WANT A
SERMON WITH MY DINNER,

I'LL GO TO THE SALIVATION ARMY.

NOW, JUST SHUT UP.

ARCHIE, IRENE IS OUR GUEST.

YOUR GUEST. I DIDN'T INVITE HER.

DINNER'S ON.

I THINK I'D BETTER LEAVE.

OH, NO, IRENE, PLEASE DON'T GO.

OH, LET HER GO.

NO! IRENE!

STAY. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

I'M SORRY, EDITH.

BUT IT'S EASIER TO NOT LISTEN
TO HIM OVER AT MY HOUSE.

OH, ARCHIE, HOW COULD
YOU DO THAT TO IRENE?

BUT HOW COULD SHE COME
OVER HERE AND CALL ME A CROOK?

SHE DIDN'T CALL YOU A CROOK.

THAT WAS YOUR
CONSCIENCE TALKIN' TO YOU.

MY CONSCIENCE DON'T TALK TO ME.

I DON'T BLAME IT. IT SHOULDN'T
TALK TO A STRANGER.

ARCHIE, IRENE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, LET'S HAVE AN END TO THIS,
WILL YOU? LET'S HAVE SOME DINNER.

NOW, COME ON, EDITH. THROW
THE FISH ON THE TABLE HERE.

DON'T STAND THERE. MOVE IT.

NO, IT'S GONNA STAY
RIGHT WHERE IT IS.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT THE FISH.

BUT, AFTER ALL, IT
AIN'T REALLY FAIR

TO THESE TWO POOR HUNGRY
KIDS STANDING HERE, EDITH.

NOW, COME ON,
COME ON, LET'S EAT.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN.
BUT I'M NOT HUNGRY.

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

YOU JUST KILLED MY APPETITE.

YOU COULDN'T KILL THAT WITH
SILVER BULLETS AND A WOODEN STAKE.

YOU GONNA SIT DOWN WITH ME,
OR AM I GONNA EAT ALONE HERE?

OH, ALL RIGHT, TAKE
YOUR CHOICE THEN.

I'LL START WITH THE SALAD,
AND A BEAUTIFUL SALAD IT IS.

LOOK AT THAT, MEATHEAD,
WITH ALL THE CRISPY LETTUCE

AND THE TOMATOES THERE,
SWISHING AROUND IN THE DRESSING.

YOU AIN'T GONNA EAT NONE.

I'LL JUST TAKE AN
EXTRA HELPING FOR YOU.

YEAH, THERE WE ARE.

AH, LET'S SEE WHAT
ELSE WE GOT HERE.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

OH, THE LOVELY
FARKER HOUSE ROLLS.

STILL WARM, TOO.

JUST PUT A LITTLE OF THAT NICE
CREAMERY BUTTERY ON THERE. AH.

MMM, BOY, IS THAT GOOD.

(Archie) AH!

HEY, YOU BETTER TAKE IT EASY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR
STOMACH AFTER THAT LONG FAST.

MICHAEL, YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T HUNGRY.

GLORIA, WE TRIED TO
MAKE A POINT. WE LOST.

ACCEPT DEFEAT. EAT.

TRAITOR.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IRENE'S DINNER.

AH, LOOK AT THIS. STILL MAD.

BECAUSE YOU'RE
STILL WRONG, ARCH.

I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK
THE WAY YOU DO. IT'S A SYSTEM.

THEY THINK IT'S ALL
RIGHT TO CHEAT AND STEAL

BECAUSE THE
BOSSES CAN AFFORD IT.

OH, LISTEN TO THIS
COMMIE PINKO OVER HERE.

HE'S WORRIED ABOUT
THE BOSSES NOW.

[phone ringing]

OH, MAYBE THAT'S IRENE!

AH, TELL HER WE'RE DONE
EATING. WE JUMPED INTO BED.

HELLO?

OH, YEAH, OPERATOR,
WAIT A MINUTE.

MIKE, IT'S A LONG-DISTANCE
CALL FOR YOU. COLLECT.

HEY, COLLECT? HEY, HEY!

DON'T TAKE NO COLLECT
CALLS ON THAT PHONE.

HEY, YOU TELL WHOEVER
IT IS, YOU AIN'T HERE.

UH, UH, OPERATOR,
MICHAEL STIVIC ISN'T HERE.

NO, NO, HE... HE WON'T
BE HOME UNTIL SUNDAY.

YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BYE.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

THAT'S A LITTLE CODE
I GOT WORKED OUT

WITH A FRIEND OF
MINE IN CHICAGO.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR AN APARTMENT
FOR HIM AND THAT WAS MY WAY

OF TELLING HIM TO CALL
ME BACK ON SUNDAY.

OH, I GET IT. THAT WAY THAT
CALL DOESN'T COST YOU ANYTHING.

RIGHT.

HEY.

YOU WENT AGAINST THE
LAW. YOU STOLE A PHONE CALL.

I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A PHONE CALL.

WHAT THE HELL WAS
THAT? A SMOKE SIGNAL?

ARCH, I DIDN'T TALK TO MY
FRIEND. I TALKED TO THE OPERATOR.

YOU GOT YOUR MESSAGE THROUGH
AND YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT.

OH, POOR PHONE COMPANY. YOU KNOW
WHAT THEIR PROFITS WERE LAST YEAR?

NOW YOU'RE
RATIONALIZING, MICHAEL.

NO, HE AIN'T, HE'S STEALING.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT?

I GOT TO ADMIT IT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS I'M A VICTIM
OF THE SYSTEM, TOO.

OH, LISTEN TO THIS GUY. WHEN HE
TAKES SOMETHING, HE'S A POOR VICTIM.

AND WHEN I TAKE
SOMETHING, I'M A CROOK.

LET ME REMIND YOU OF
SOMETHING HERE, MEATHEAD.

LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS:

"LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN

BE THE ROLLIN' STONE."

ARCHIE... [exclaiming]

IF YOU ARE GONNA START
TALKING ABOUT IRENE, EDITH, DON'T!

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I
WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT IRENE?

MAYBE I WAS GONNA
TALK ABOUT YOU.

OK, OK, GO AHEAD. WHAT WAS
YOU GOING TO SAY ABOUT ME?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO NEXT
DOOR AND TELL IRENE YOU'RE SORRY.

I AIN'T GONNA DO THAT
BECAUSE I AIN'T SORRY.

I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE ALWAYS
ACTING HOLIER-THAN-THOU!

ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE THOU IS MOU. ME.

ARCHIE, SHE DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING.

OH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN
SHE DIDN'T MEAN NOTHING?

SHE CALLED ME A
CROOK, DIDN'T SHE?

THAT AIN'T NICE, EDITH.

CALLING PEOPLE A NAME LIKE THAT.

IF I WAS A CROOK,

I WOULDN'T RUN OUT AND BOUGHT
THIS PIECE OF FLYWOOD HERE, WOULD I?

NO! DID YOU?

OF COURSE I DID.

YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A LUMBERYARD

AND JUST WALK AWAY
WITH SOMETHING, EDITH,

UNLESS YOU WORK THERE.

NOW, CAN'T YOU SEE
THE DIFFERENCE THERE?

NO.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M
TALKING TO YOU IN ENGLISH

AND YOU'RE LISTENING
TO ME IN DINGBAT.

OPEN UP THE DOOR
FOR ME THERE, HUH?

I WANNA GET THIS
THROUGH TO THE OUTSIDE.

YOU'RE IN THE WAY.
YOU'RE IN THE WAY.

I'M SORRY. YOU'RE
IN THE WAY, EDITH.

OH, JEEZ, I HURT THE KNUCKLES
OF MY RIGHT HAND AGAIN.

AND GET THE MEATHEAD. TELL HIM
TO COME OUT HERE AND HELP ME.

I GOT TO START DRILLING NOW.

YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.

OH, MIKE?

ARCHIE SAID, "PLEASE GO
OUT BACK AND HELP HIM."

ARCHIE SAID "PLEASE"?

NO, I PUT THAT IN.

[drill whirring]

OH, MA, DID YOU
TALK WITH IRENE YET?

OH, YEAH, I CALLED
HER THIS MORNING.

I TOLD HER HOW SORRY
I WAS ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

MA, WHAT ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT?

IT WAS ALL ARCHIE'S FAULT.

(Archie) DAMN, DAMN DUMB BIT!

LOOK AT THIS.

THE BIT HERE BUSTED ON ME.

THEY GOT THE CHEAPEST
TOOLS DOWN WHERE I WORK.

ARCHIE, IF YOU MAKE UP WITH
IRENE, MAYBE SHE'LL FIX IT.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T EVEN
REMIND HER THAT I GOT THE DRILL,

LET ALONE SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE BUSTED BIT HERE.

SHE MIGHT TURN ME IN
TO THE SHOP FOREMAN.

OH, IRENE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN
TELL HIM YOU STOLE IT.

I DID NOT STEAL NOTHING, EDITH.

HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL
YOU THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, SEE?

WHEN YOU STEAL SOMETHING,
IT'S GONE FOREVER.

WHEN YOU BORROW SOMETHING...

IT'S MISSING IN ACTION.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AND MAKE
9 OR 10 ILLEGAL PHONE CALLS?

HEY, AT LEAST I
ADMITTED I WAS WRONG.

THAT'S BETTER THAN
I CAN SAY FOR YOU.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH THE WORLD.

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHEN
THEY'VE DONE A WRONG THING.

WELL, MAYBE WHAT
THE WORLD NEEDS IS

A WHOLE NEW SET OF COMMANDMENTS.

WHY DON'T YOU CLIMB A
MOUNTAIN AND WRITE SOME?

THEN WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED,
JUMP OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

ARCH, IF YOU DON'T
THINK YOU ARE WRONG,

WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT IRENE MIGHT TELL THE BOSSES?

WELL, ONLY BECAUSE IT DON'T
SOUND GOOD DOWN AT THE PLANT.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE IT UP TO HER, DADDY?

WHY DON'T YOU CALL UP HER AND
INVITE HER OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

YOUR MOTHER DONE
THAT LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S HOW ALL THE TROUBLE GOT
STARTED HERE. YOUR FAULT, EDITH.

OH, ARCHIE, PLEASE.

IRENE IS SUCH A NICE FRIEND.

[razzing]

YOU WERE SO ROTTEN
TO HER LAST NIGHT,

I WOULDN'T BLAME HER
IF SHE DID TELL THE BOSS.

HEY, EDITH.

JUST TO BE SAFE,

GET ON THE TELEPHONE,
CALL UP IRENE,

TELL HER WE'RE ALL
SORRY OVER HERE.

"WE"? DADDY, IT
WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.

AND MA CAN'T MAKE
YOUR APOLOGY FOR YOU.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

[groaning]

ALL RIGHT! I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.

ARCHIE, BE SURE YOU MEAN IT.

WHEN YOU TALK TO IRENE,
YOU GOTTA BE SORRY.

ANYTIME I TALK TO
IRENE, I'M SORRY.

OH, HI THERE, IRENE.

LONG TIME NO SEE
SINCE LAST NIGHT.

I MAY AS WELL TELL YOU, ARCHIE,

I'M ONLY HERE BECAUSE EDITH
SAID YOU WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. GET IN, HUH?

SIT DOWN SOMEPLACE.
TAKE A LOAD OFF YOUR FEET.

HEY, YOU CAN EVEN
SIT IN MY CHAIR,

IF THE MEATHEAD WOULD
GET THE HELL OUT OF IT!

HI, IRENE. HI, DEAR.

CAN'T YOU GO OVER AND JOIN HIM?

UH, NOW.

WHAT I WANTED
TO SAY, UH, IRENE...

DID YOU SAY IT?

GIVE ME A BREAK, HUH? THE WOMAN
JUST CROSSED OVER THE FRESHOLD HERE.

NOW WHAT I... DON'T
BREATHE ON ME, HUH?

CAN'T YOU STAND OVER THERE?

NOW WHAT I MEAN
TO SAY, IRENE, IS, UH,

I... I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT

AND CAN'T WE BE
WHAT WE WAS BEFORE?

GEE, I WAS HOPING
WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

HEY, I WENT OUT, AND I SPRUNG
$1.68 A POUND FOR SHOULDER OF LAMB.

YOU CAN'T GET FRIENDLIER
THAN THAT, IRENE.

NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY, FRIENDS?

ARCHIE, I KNOW IT'S NOT
EASY FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE.

BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.

YEAH, 'CAUSE I MEAN, AFTER
ALL, WE WORK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW IT DON'T DO YOU NO GOOD

TO HAVE A MORTAL
ENEMY DOWN AT WORK.

IF YOU WAS TO BRING
A... A DRILL HOME

TO DO SOME WORK
AT YOUR HOUSE THERE,

WELL, I MEAN I WOULDN'T
SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT IT.

AND I FIGURE YOU WOULDN'T DO
THE SAME FOR ME THERE, IRENE.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

WHAT IS THERE TO SNITCH ABOUT?

IT IS WRONG. WHY
CAN'T YOU ADMIT IT?

I ADMITTED I WAS WRONG FOR
CHEATING THE PHONE COMPANY.

YEAH, AND I WAS WRONG FOR
BRINGING HOME THOSE COSMETICS.

AND I WAS WRONG FOR TAKIN'
A BITE OUT OF THAT PRETZEL.

WHOSE PRETZEL?

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,

MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO THE PARK,

AND THERE WAS THIS
LITTLE OLD PRETZEL MAN

WITH THIS STICK
FULL OF PRETZELS.

AND WHEN THE OLD
MAN WASN'T LOOKIN',

I TOOK A BITE OUT OF
ONE OF HIS PRETZELS.

THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY.

I BET THE F.B.I. STILL HAS
YOUR TOOTH MARKS ON FILE.

LET'S HAVE AN END TO THIS WHOLE
THING NOW. I SAY, CASE CLOSED.

BUT, ARCH, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO TALK ABOUT.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

MAYBE I CAN EXPLAIN AND...

WILL YOU SHUT... I
MEAN WHY BOTHER?

ARCHIE, JUST LOOK AT IT IN
TERMS OF DOLLARS AND CENTS.

WE HAVE 233 EMPLOYEES
DOWN AT THE PLANT.

NOW... NOW LOOK,

SUPPOSING ONLY HALF OF THEM TOOK A
DOLLAR'S WORTH OF SUPPLIES EVERY WEEK,

THAT WOULD BE, A HALF
OF 233 TIMES 52 AND...

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON,
WAIT A MINUTE THERE, IRENE.

THERE'S SOMETHING
THERE I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

HERE, HERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU
ARE DOIN' WITH A COMPANY PEN.

WHAT?

IT SAYS THERE, "PENDERGAST
TOOL AND DYE COMPANY."

HOW LONG YOU BEEN
STEALING PENS, IRENE?

I DIDN'T STEAL THAT.

[exclaiming] THEN HOW
COME YOU GOT THAT?

I GAVE IT TO HER. YOU GOT
A DRAWER FULL OF THEM.

BABYFACE BUNKER STRIKES AGAIN!

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
BACK THAT APOLOGY, IRENE?

WHY DID YOU APOLOGIZE ANYWAY?

'CAUSE THE WOMEN NAGGED ME.

I THINK YOU ONLY MADE UP WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID I'D
TELL THE BOSS ABOUT THE DRILL.

SO WHAT, I'M FEEDING
YOU LAMB, AIN'T I?

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS NOW.

LET'S ALL SIT DOWN AND EAT.

COME ON, LET'S EAT.

EDITH, I'M NOT SURE I CAN STAY.

WHY CAN'T YOU?

JUST PUT YOUR KEISTER IN A
CHAIR AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

I'M LEAVING BEFORE I SAY
SOMETHING I'M SORRY FOR.

OH, NO! NO, IRENE,
PLEASE DON'T GO!

EDITH, FORGIVE ME.
I JUST CAN'T STAY.

THIS IS A GREAT PLACE TO EAT IF
YOU'RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WELL, YOU DID IT AGAIN.

NOW SHE MAY NEVER
COME BACK AGAIN.

YOU MADE HER EVEN MADDER
THAN SHE WAS LAST NIGHT.

I THINK I... I KNOW
WHAT I BETTER DO.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
MAKE UP WITH IRENE?

NO, I'M GONNA GET
RID OF THE DRILL.

I'M GONNA PUT IT
IN MY LUNCH BOX,

SO I REMEMBER FIRST
THING MONDAY MORNING,

I GOT TO GET UP EARLY
AND BRING IT BACK.

NO TIME EVEN FOR
BREAKFAST THERE, EDITH.

SHOW YOU THE KIND OF GUY I AM,

I'M GONNA HAVE THAT DRILL BACK ON THE
TOOL SHELF BEFORE ANYBODY GETS THERE.

I DON'T WANT THE COMPANY THAT'S
BEEN GOOD TO ME FOR MANY, MANY YEARS

TO WORRY FOR ONE MOMENT
ABOUT A STOLEN DRILL I GOT HERE.

MA,

WHEN ARCHIE GOES INTO
ALL THAT DOUBLE TALK,

DO YOU EVER BUY THAT?

I DON'T HAVE TO
BUY IT. IT'S FREE.

(Archie) EDITH, EDITH, GET
OUT HERE! GET OUT HERE!

GET OUT HERE. GET
OUT HERE. GET OUT HERE.

LOOK OUT ON THAT BACK PORCH.

I DON'T SEE NOTHIN'.

THAT'S THE POINT.

MY HUNK OF FLYWOOD
IS RIPPED OFF.

WHAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD IS
THIS GETTIN' TO BE AROUND HERE?

HEY, ALL OF YOUS!

I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO KEEP A WILD
DOG TO PROTECT ONE HUNK OF FLYWOOD.

GUESS I'M THE ONLY HONEST
GUY LEFT ON THE WHOLE BLOCK.

AND WHAT'S MY REWARD FOR THAT?

[glass shattering]

(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.