All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 21 - Archie and the Quiz - full transcript
Out of curiosity, Archie takes a magazine test about his health habits. When he scores the test, he learns he might die at age 57. Rather than take the test for what it is worth (or heed the advice of the accompanying article), Archie fumes about his apparent fate.
♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪
♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪
♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪
♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪
♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪
♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪
(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪
♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪
♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪
♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪
(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪
♪ THOSE WERE ♪
♪ THE DAYS ♪
[exclaiming]
HI, MA. HI, MA.
OH, HI, DID YOU HAVE A NICE
SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE PARK?
OH, YEAH, WE RENTED
A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2
AND WE PEDALED
ALL AROUND THE LAKE.
WELL, W-WAIT A
SECOND, I PEDALED.
SHE SAT THERE LIKE A QUEEN
WITH HER FEET UP
ON THE HANDLEBARS.
I REMEMBER WHEN ARCHIE AND
ME RENTED A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2.
WE TOOK A LONG
RIDE IN THE COUNTRY.
WASN'T IT FUN?
OH, YEAH.
BUT I WAS THE FAST PEDDLER
AND ARCHIE WAS THE SLOW PEDDLER.
SO OUR LEGS DIDN'T
CATCH UP WITH EACH OTHER
UNTIL YOUR FATHER'S
PANTS CAUGHT IN THE CHAIN.
THEN WE FELL OFF.
OH, THAT HURTS.
OH, YEAH.
AND THEN ARCHIE FIGURED
OUT THAT ON THE WAY BACK
ONE OF US SHOULD RIDE
AND ONE OF US SHOULD WALK.
HOW FAR'D YOU HAVE TO WALK, MA?
OH, ONLY 3 MILES.
HERE, MA, LET ME HELP
YOU WITH THE CROSSWORD.
OH, THIS AIN'T A CROSSWORD.
IT'S A LIFE EXPECTANCY TEST.
I FOUND IT IN THIS OLD HARPER'S
MAGAZINE IRENE WAS THROWIN' OUT.
YOU ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS
AND THEN IT TELLS YOU HOW
LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
WELL, LET ME SEE. HOW'D YOU DO?
846?
MA, THAT CAN'T BE
RIGHT. OH, NO, IT AIN'T.
YOU GOTTA PUT A DOT
HERE AFTER THE 4. THERE.
OH, THAT MEANS YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 84?
AND 6 MONTHS.
LIVING WITH ARCHIE,
IT'LL SEEM A LOT LONGER.
HERE I AM AND WE HAD A TERRIFIC
MEETING TONIGHT AT THE LODGE, EDITH.
ARCHIE, GUESS HOW
LONG I'M GONNA LIVE.
LOOK AT THIS. I'M ONLY HOME A
MINUTE AND SHE'S THREATENIN' ME.
GET THE DINNER
ON THE TABLE, EDITH.
OH, YEAH, WELL, IT'LL BE
A LITTLE WHILE, ARCHIE,
'CAUSE THE POTATOES ARE
RUNNIN' BEHIND THE CHICKEN.
WHILE...
WHILE WE'RE WAITING, LET ME FIGURE
OUT HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL
ME HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
84 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS.
OOH, WHOOP-DEE-DOO!
YEAH, IT'S ALL IN
THIS QUIZ HERE.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA BE
RIGHT WITH YOU THERE, EDITH,
BECAUSE A GYPSY PALM-READER
IN CONEY ISLAND ONCE TOLD ME
I GOT THE LONGEST
LIFELINE SHE EVER SEEN, SEE?
STARTS RIGHT THERE, WRAPS
AROUND THE THUMB TWICE,
AND GOES UP HERE
UNDERNEATH THE WATCHBAND.
SEE THAT?
I'LL PROBABLY LIVE LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE THEM PUT A MAN ON MARS.
WHAT IF THEY DO THAT NEXT YEAR?
WHAT I WON'T LIVE
LONG ENOUGH TO SEE
IS A MEATHEAD ON A PAYROLL.
DID YOU HAVE FUN AT
THE LODGE MEETING?
WE HAD A MILLION LAUGHS.
YOU REMEMBER SKEETS CALLAHAN
THAT RETIRED FROM
WINDOW WASHING?
MMM, YEAH.
WELL, HE HAD HIS LITTLE
GRANDSON THERE WITH HIM,
LITTLE SKEETS III.
KID WAS DRESSED UP IN A COMBAT
INFANTRYMAN'S OUTFIT, YOU KNOW.
CUTEST THING YOU EVER SEEN
WITH GRENADES AND A
MACHINE GUN AND EVERYTHING.
I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE TO
SEE CHILDREN PLAYING WAR.
AW.
[razzing]
LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT,
THAT'S THE MOST NATURAL THING
IN THE WORLD THERE, LITTLE GIRL.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, BECAUSE OF
THE WAY GOD MADE MEN.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
WHAT, HE GIVE THEM A
TRIGGER FINGER, DIDN'T HE?
ARCH, IF GOD HAD
MEANT MAN TO FIGHT,
WHY DIDN'T HE PUT GUNS
IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?
WHO THE HELL IS ADAM
GONNA SHOOT? EVE?
WHY'S HE GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY?
'CAUSE SHE'S GOTTA HELP
HIM POPULATE THE WORLD,
AND MAKE HIS BREAKFAST FOR HIM.
AND WHEN THE WORLD
GETS POPULATION ENOUGH,
YOU GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD TO MAKE ARMIES,
THEN GOD SENT DOWN THE WORD
THAT THEY COULD INVENT THE GUN.
AND I THINK THAT, UH,
GERMAN PREACHER,
MARTIN LUGER,
MADE THE FIRST ONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT
TO TEACH A BIBLE CLASS.
THEY GOT THOSE KIDS BELIEVIN'
THAT GOD STANDS
FOR PEACE AND LOVE.
WHICH HE DOES,
EXCEPT IN TIME OF WAR.
SO, WHAT'D YOU COME
UP WITH THERE, EDITH?
I'D BETTER SEE IF THE POTATOES
CAUGHT UP WITH THE CHICKEN.
YEAH, I... I... I HOPE YOU LAID IN
A COUPLE OF 6 PACKS OF BEER
'CAUSE I GOT A HELL
OF A THIRST ON ME.
I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ALL
THROUGH THE LODGE MEETING.
OH! YOU DONE IT.
HERE IT IS, FIRST TODAY.
SO WHAT AGE DID YOU
COME UP FOR ME, HUH?
THE POTATOES LOOK FINE.
WHAT'D YOU GET? 90, 85, 80...
OH, WELL, THOSE TESTS
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN', ARCHIE.
THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
I KNOW THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT,
HOW MANY YEARS
OF FUN I GOT LEFT.
HEY, HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?
WELL, IF I TELL YOU, WILL YOU
PROMISE NOT TO TAKE IT SERIOUS?
OH, WHO TAKES THEM
THINGS SERIOUSLY?
WHAT IS IT?
63 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
THAT MAGAZINE BUMPED YOU OFF
BEFORE YOU GET SOCIAL SECURITY.
ARCHIE, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD BELIEVE
WHAT A QUIZ IN A
MAGAZINE TELLS YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, EDITH.
OH, WELL, I WAS
AFRAID YOU WOULD.
NO. LISTEN, HERE'S
SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD YOU.
THE GYPSY PALM-READER THERE,
WELL, SHE TOLD ME THAT I'M
GONNA OUTLIVE YOU BY 10 YEARS.
SO CHEER UP.
W... I COULD'VE MADE
A MISTAKE IN ADDING.
WELL, YOU ALWAYS DO, EDITH.
THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA
CHECK YOUR FIGURES HERE.
I DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY LIFE
IN THE HANDS OF A DINGBAT.
NO! UH, UH, GLORIA, WOULD
YOU HELP ME GET THE DINNER ON?
YEAH, GET UP AND HELP
YOUR MOTHER, HUH?
YEAH, MAYBE THE POTATOES
PASSED THE CHICKEN.
DAMN THING KILLED ME OFF AT 63.
WHAT KIND OF A
TEST IS THIS, HUH?
HOW DOES IT WORK HERE, MEATHEAD?
WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
UH, LET'S SEE, UH,
WELL, IT SAYS HERE,
YOU TAKE YOUR YEAR OF BIRTH.
WHAT WAS THAT, 1924? YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT
WOULD MAKE YOUR BASE FIGURE 580.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
RIGHT OVER THERE, SEE?
OH, YEAH.
YEAH. THEN, UH, FOR
YOUR PRESENT AGE,
WHICH IS WHAT, 51? YEAH.
YEAH. WELL, YOU
ADD, UH, 5 YEARS,
SO THAT STARTS
YOU OUT WITH, UH, 630.
WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT? THAT ADDS UP.
I MEAN, LOOK
WHERE YOU'RE SITTIN'.
ALL RIGHT, START OFF WITH 630.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO
THIS THING. ALL RIGHT.
IT SAYS, "IF YOU'RE
MARRIED, ADD 5 YEARS."
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
ONE OF THEM ARABS WITH 20 WIVES
PICKS UP 100 YEARS FOR OPENERS.
I'M MARRIED. THEY GIVE ME
5 YEARS FOR HAVIN' EDITH.
I THOUGHT THEY'D
DOCK ME FOR THAT.
UH-OH, UH-OH, HERE'S
WHERE YOU LOSE A FEW.
YEAH? WHERE?
HERE, RIGHT THERE,
WHERE YOU LIVE.
"SMALL TOWN, ADD 3 1/2 YEARS,
BIG CITY, SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
OH, COME ON. WHY SHOULD A
CITY GUY LOSE OUT 2 YEARS?
'CAUSE THERE'S MORE POLLUTION,
MORE CONGESTION, MORE DISEASE.
ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S MORE
HOSPITALS, TOO, AIN'T THERE?
AND MORE CEMETERIES.
AW, COME ON.
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE
MYSELF NOTHIN'
BUT I AIN'T TAKIN'
OFF NOTHIN', EITHER.
IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
HOW YOU DOIN', DADDY?
DID YOU FIND OUT
IF I ADDED WRONG?
ALL RIGHT, EDITH,
W-W-WE'RE GETTIN' THERE.
NOW LET ME SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU?
"ALCOHOL, HEAVY
DRINKERS, SUBTRACT 5 YEARS.
VERY HEAVY DRINKERS,
SUBTRACT 10 YEARS."
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T DRINK.
YOU DRINK BEER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
BEER IS HEALTHY.
GIVE ME A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE.
BEER IS HEALTHY?
WELL, CERTAINLY
IT IS, LITTLE GIRL.
YOUR BEER IS MADE
FROM YOUR BARLEY,
YOUR BARLEY IS
FED TO YOUR HORSES.
EVERYBODY KNOWS
HOW LONG HORSES LIVE.
20 YEARS.
SHUT UP.
I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE
THAT ONE BLANK LIKE I DID.
NO, THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
LOOK HERE, THEY KNOCK OFF 2 YEARS
OF YOUR LIFE FOR BEING A CITY GUY.
WHY DON'T THEY GIVE YOU
SOMETHIN' FOR NOT BEIN' A LUSH?
YEAH, BUT ARCHIE,
YOU'RE STILL AHEAD.
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T SUBTRACT
THEN IT'S THE SAME AS ADDIN'
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T
TAKE OFF, YOU PUT ON.
THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKIN'
THAT KNOCKED ME OFF AT 63.
JUST GET THE
DINNER ON, WILL YOU?
I'M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE
WE GOT NEXT HERE?
YEAH. "ECONOMIC STATUS.
DEDUCT 3 YEARS IF
WEALTHY OR POOR."
WEALTHY OR POOR? WHAT
THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?
MIDDLE CLASS, WHICH
IS WHAT WE ARE.
WELL, ACTUALLY WE'RE
LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS.
WELL, AS I REMEMBER IT,
WE WAS UPPER TILL
YOU JOINED THE FAMILY.
YOU LOSE AT LEAST 2 YEARS THERE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, "SMOKING.
"ONE HALF TO ONE PACK OF
CIGARETTES A DAY, SUBTRACT 3 YEARS.
PIPE OR CIGAR,
SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
LOOK AT THAT, 2 YEARS.
AH, YOU SMOKE
CIGARS, THAT'S MINUS 2.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I DON'T SMOKE
CIGARETTES, SO I SHOULD GET A PLUS 3.
SO, PLUS 3 TO MINUS 2,
SO IPSO FATSO, PLUS ONE.
GIVE ME THAT.
YOU GET MINUS 2. "IPSO FATSO."
IF YOU KEEP MINUSIN'
I'LL BE DEAD IN 1965.
HERE. "YOUR SHAPE."
HMM, LOOK AT THIS.
"IF YOU'RE OVER 40,
DEDUCT ONE YEAR
FOR EVERY 5 POUNDS
YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT."
THAT'S WHERE I LOST YOU.
COME ON, WILL YOU? IT AIN'T SO
MUCH THAT, I GOT HEAVY BONES.
IN YOUR STOMACH?
COME ON, YOU GOTTA DEDUCT
AT LEAST 2 YEARS FOR THAT.
AW, THIS THING IS CRAZY.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS.
"EVERY INCH OF YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT..."
JEEZ, I WISH THEY'D
GET OFF OF THE BELLY.
"EVERY INCH YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT
"EXCEEDS YOUR CHEST MEASUREMENT,
DEDUCT 2 YEARS."
OH, I GOT ABOUT A 40
CHEST AND ABOUT A 38 WAIST.
DADDY, HOW LONG CAN YOU
HOLD YOUR BREATH LIKE THAT?
TILL THE TEST IS OVER.
ARCH, ONCE YOU
EXHALE YOUR WAIST IS 41.
YOU LOSE A YEAR. OH, COME ON.
DID YOU COME TO DISPOSITION YET?
I HAD TO DEDUCT
4 YEARS FOR THAT.
4 YEARS? WHY'D YOU DO
A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER.
I DO, LIKE HELL!
COME ON, GIVE ME PLUS 4 THERE.
MINUS, DADDY.
IF YOU DON'T LET ME WIN A FEW,
YOU'RE GONNA BE MINUS DADDY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HONEST WITH THIS TEST.
AW, IS THERE A QUESTION
ABOUT HONESTY IN HERE?
IF THERE WAS YOU'D
SELF-DESTRUCT.
I'LL ADD UP WHAT I'VE GOT
HERE. ADD IT UP, THERE.
YOU GOT... THAT MAKES
680... 630, THAT'S UH, 5...
SHUT UP! I LOST THE
4 I'M CARRYIN' HERE.
[muttering]
ALL RIGHT. ZERO. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS 4.
7, 7, 7, 7, 7. ALL
RIGHT, I SEE THAT.
ALL RIGHT NOW,
ZERO AND FROM 6...
WELL, THIS IS A STUPID ANSWER.
WHAT DID YOU GET?
IT'S 570 YEARS. THIS
IS A TEST FOR TREES.
DADDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
A DOT AFTER THE SECOND NUMBER.
AFTER YOUR 7 THERE. A DOT THERE?
THERE'S YOUR AGE.
57. YOU HAD ME 63 OVER
AT THE TABLE THERE.
YOU SEE, ARCHIE?
LIKE I SAID, THAT TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
IT MEANS A FAST CHECK
FOR AN UNDERTAKER.
ARCH, COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE
THIS THING SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU?
NO, I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.
THE TEST IS ONLY FOR
DOPES AND DINGBATS.
COME ON, GET DINNER, WILL YOU?
I GET SO NERVOUS
WHEN DINNER IS LATE!
O.K., ALL RIGHT. I'LL
MASH THE POTATOES.
I'M GONNA GO WASH UP. YEAH.
LET'S SEE THIS...
5 AND... [muttering]
ZERO... 6... IT'S A 7.
5.
OH, GEE.
[muttering]
OH, DON'T LET GO.
DON'T... DON'T...
DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE.
DON'T... DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE!
DON'T LET GO! HE LET GO.
ARCHIE, WAKE UP.
OH, GEE. PUT THE
LIGHTS ON, EDITH, QUICK.
OH, THANK GOD YOU WOKE ME UP.
I WAS HAVIN' AN AWFUL NIGHTMARE.
OH, WHAT WAS YOU DREAMIN' ABOUT?
I WAS AT MY FUNERAL.
WHY, WHO WAS YOU YELLIN' AT?
THE MEATHEAD.
HE WAS ONE OF MY
PALLBEARERS AND HE DROPPED ME.
AND I ROLLED RIGHT OUT OF
THE CASKET INTO THE ROAD.
I GOT THE NEW SUIT
DIRTY AND EVERYTHING.
I WAS NEVER SO
EMBARRASSED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
IT WAS TERRIBLE, EDITH.
LOOK AT THE PILLOW,
IT'S WET WITH FEAR.
OH, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.
OH, GEE, THAT DUMB MEATHEAD.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO
BE USIN' 2 HANDS.
HE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO
BE EATIN' A SANDWICH
WHILE HE'S CARRYING ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN'
FOR? I'M LOOKIN' FOR A CIGAR.
ARCHIE, SMOKIN' CIGARS
AIN'T GOOD FOR YOU.
EVEN THAT TEST IN
THE MAGAZINE SAID SO.
OH, THAT DAMN TEST.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT
TEST, IN THAT NIGHTMARE,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
BURYIN' ME HERE IN THE BED.
ARCHIE, IT WAS ONLY A DREAM
AND THEM TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO YOU.
'CAUSE THEY SAY YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE AN OLD BAG OF 84.
ME, I'M GONNA BE PLANTED IN
THE FLOWERS OF MY MANHOOD.
NIGHTMARE OR NO, EDITH,
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
IT REALLY MAKES
YOU STOP AND THINK.
HEY, LISTEN.
HEY, LISTEN, EDITH,
NOW COME HERE.
SIT... SIT DOWN, I WANNA
TALK TO YOU HERE.
EDITH,
AS REGARDS MY REAL
FUNERAL... OH, ARCHIE.
GET OUT OF THE
BED WHILE I'M TALKIN'.
AS REGARDS MY FUNERAL,
I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE
UNION IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, THE PLOT, FLOWERS,
MUSIC, EVERYTHING.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE
TO REMEMBER TO BRING IS ME.
OH, ARCHIE, I DON'T
WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
EDITH, EDITH, INTELLIGENT,
MODERN PEOPLE
GOTTA TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
NOW LISTEN, HERE'S A
LAST BEQUEST, HERE, SEE.
THE REVEREND
FLETCHER... FELCHER.
WHATEVER.
I DON'T WANT THAT GUY SAYING
MY LAST UROLOGY OVER ME.
HE IS A WINDBAG.
SAME FUNERARIAL
SPEECHES FOR EVERYTHING.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHETHER IT WAS ME
OR HE'S PREACHIN' OVER A CAT.
GO BACK TO SLEEP, ARCHIE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, I
CAN'T, I CAN'T, EDITH.
THAT FUNERAL.
THAT WAS JUST A DREAM.
THE FUNERAL IS OVER.
IT WASN'T OVER
WHEN I LEFT IT, EDITH.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET
TO THE CEMETERY YET.
IF I GET BACK AND FALL ASLEEP,
SUPPOSE I PICK UP ON IT AGAIN?
I DON'T WANNA GET TO THE PART
WHERE THEY THROW DIRT ON ME.
NO, NO, NO, I... I NEED A BEER.
GLORIA, I AM INTERESTED
IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE
MORE INTERESTED IN FOOD.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S EQUAL.
DADDY WAS REALLY WORRIED.
HE HARDLY SAID A WORD ALL NIGHT.
YEAH, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
QUARTER PAST MIDNIGHT AND
YOU'RE STILL SCRAVENGING DOWN HERE.
HE'S THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHOSE
MOUTH DON'T GET 8 HOURS SLEEP.
NICE TO SEE YOU'RE IN A
GOOD MOOD AGAIN, ARCH.
ARCHIE, LET ME
MAKE YOU A SANDWICH
NO, NO, NO. TO GO
WITH YOUR BEER.
EDITH, DON'T WASTE
NO FOOD ON ME.
AW.
OH, MIKE, YOU
TALK TO HIM. OH, MA.
OH, YEAH, HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
DEEP DOWN HE RESPECTS YOU.
I HATE TO DIVE THAT DEEP.
HONEY.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. I'LL TRY.
DADDY, MICHAEL HAS SOMETHING
HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
AND YOU LISTEN TO HIM.
OH, WHAT'S THE USE? ARCH, LOOK.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
IN THIS MAGAZINE.
THERE'S SOMETHING IN
HERE, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
LOOK WHAT IT SAYS HERE.
"BEWARE. THE FIGURES ARE
UNSCIENTIFIC AND EXTREMELY IMPRECISE.
"THEY WILL PREDICT FOR ANY OF US
ONLY IN TERMS OF
VERY ROUGH ODDS."
ARCH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE 57.
THE ONLY REAL INDICATION
OF HOW LONG A
PERSON'S GONNA LIVE
I-IS HIS HEREDITY.
BUT I AIN'T GOT THAT.
I LOST THAT WITH MY
APPENDIX, DIDN'T I?
ARCH, ARCH,
YOUR... YOUR HEREDITY
IS... IS YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.
WELL, THEN WHY
DON'T YOU TALK CLEAR?
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. YOUR FATHER,
HOW OLD WAS YOUR
FATHER WHEN HE DIED?
57.
IT'S A COINCIDENCE.
IT... IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR...
Y-Y-YOUR GRANDFATHER?
HOW OLD WAS HE?
56.
YEAH, BUT HE WAS RUN
OVER BY A STREETCAR.
I KNOW. IT CUT OFF THE
LAST WHOLE YEAR OF HIS LIFE.
DADDY, YOUR GRANDFATHER
PROBABLY WOULD'VE LIVED
TO BE A VERY OLD MAN.
HONEY, DOESN'T LONG LIFE
USUALLY SKIP A GENERATION?
WELL, NOT IN THE BUNKER FAMILY.
WE GOT DEAD RELATIVES
IN EVERY GENERATION.
WELL, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK IN
THE MORNING SO I'M GOING TO BED.
OH, YEAH. GO AHEAD, YEAH.
THERE'S FEELING FOR YOU THERE.
ARCH, JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS
DIDN'T LIVE A LONG TIME
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T.
AAH!
OH, OH, OH, OH, ARCHIE!
ARCHIE, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THAT.
WHY NOT? I ALREADY GAVE
2 YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR THIS.
[exclaiming]
MAYBE IF YOU GIVE UP
SMOKIN' YOU'LL GET 'EM BACK.
AND THEN IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT
YOU'LL GET A FEW MORE YEARS.
OH, NO, NO, IT'S
TOO LATE, EDITH.
MY BUS HAS SAILED.
ARCH, MA'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THAT SILLY TEST
BUT I MEAN, IF YOU DID
CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE,
MAYBE YOU COULD ADD A FEW YEARS.
GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT
ARE CAUSING YOU AGGRAVATION.
I TELL YOU, HE'S GOT
SOMETHIN' THERE.
THIS CITY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
LIVIN' IN A SMALL TOWN
IT MIGHT ADD 10
YEARS TO ME, EDITH.
BUT ARCHIE, WHERE
WOULD WE MOVE TO?
OH, GEE, CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA.
THERE'S MILLIONS OF SMALL
TOWNS OUT THERE IN THE WEST.
"GO WEST, GO WEST," LIKE
HORACE GREENBERG SAID.
AND IF I WENT WEST THERE
I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO THAT ONE THING
I WANTED TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
WHAT'S THAT, ARCHIE?
RIDE A HORSE.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED HORSES.
OH, SURE, I ALWAYS
BEEN NUTS ABOUT HORSES.
ASK EDITH THERE.
BUT WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
EVER SEE A HORSE IN NEW YORK
UNLESS YOU OPEN UP
A CAN OF DOG FOOD?
ARCH, UH, ARE YOU REALLY
SERIOUS ABOUT MOVIN' OUT WEST?
CERTAINLY, I'M SERIOUS. WHY NOT?
GET OUT OF THE CITY,
GET OUT OF THE RAT RACE.
GET OUT ON THE RANGE
WHERE THE BUFFALOES ROAM.
"WHERE THE DEERS
AND THE ANTELOPES PLAY
"WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD
A DISCOURAGING WORD
"AND THE SKIES SOMETHIN',
SOMETHIN' ALL DAY"
YOU KNOW THAT DEATH QUIZ, EDITH?
MAYBE THAT TAUGHT
US HOW TO LIVE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIST THIS
HOUSE FOR SALE MONDAY MORNIN'.
ARCHIE, I THINK WE
BETTER GO TO BED.
BUT THEN, YOU, MEATHEAD, YOU AND
GLORIA'D BE OUT IN THE COLD, HUH?
ARCH, ARCH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME AND GLORIA.
Y-YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO?
HERE'S MY LITTLE GIRL.
LISTEN, COME OVER HERE
AND SIT DOWN, SWEETHEART.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.
I GOT SOME GOOD
NEWS FOR YOU, DADDY.
YOU SEE, WE WERE
TALKING THIS THING OVER...
I WAS WORKIN' OUT
YOUR TEST UPSTAIRS
AND YOU GOT THE
NUMBERS ALL MIXED UP HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75.
HUH?
WELL, YOU SEE, YOU SUBTRACTED
WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDED
AND THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE
YOURSELF THE RIGHT BASE FIGURE
TO BEGIN WITH.
YOU SURE OF THAT?
YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE 75 YEARS OLD.
HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
75, HUH?
AND YOU HAD ME DEAD AT 63.
AND 4 MONTHS. AND 4 MONTHS!
AND YOU OVER HERE.
HOW OLD WAS I WHEN
YOU KILLED ME OFF?
I... I DON'T KNOW, 57.57, YEAH!
YOU AND HER, YOU HAD
ME DEAD AND BURIED.
TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL
HERE TO DIG ME UP.
WELL, I'M ALIVE, AND
I'M GONNA STAY ALIVE.
AND I'M GONNA EAT.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH.
I'LL DRINK ALL THE
DAMN BEER I WANT
AND I'LL SMOKE CIGARS
RIGHT UP TO THE TIME I'M 75.
YOU AND YOUR POLACK ARITHMETIC!
OH, GLORIA, I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.
I KNOW, HONEY, I JUST CHANGED
THE NUMBERS AROUND A BIT.
DADDY'S SO WORRIED
ABOUT THIS STUPID TEST,
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE
HIM AN EXTRA 18 YEARS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, NO, DON'T TELL HIM.
GIVE HIM THE 18 YEARS.
BESIDES, ARCHIE'S SO STUBBORN
IF HE THINKS HE'LL LIVE TO 75,
HE'LL DO IT EVEN
IF IT KILLS HIM.
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
NOW THAT YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 75?
JEEZ, EDITH, WHO WOULDN'T?
BUT LISTEN,
NOW THAT TEST SAYS THAT
YOU'RE GONNA GO ON TO 84, HUH?
YEAH, AND 6 MONTHS.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER,
BUT, GEE, THAT MEANS,
WELL, THERE'S 9 1/2 LONELY YEARS
YOU GOTTA GO ON WITHOUT ME, HUH?
BUT I HAD A THOUGHT.
SUPPOSE YOU WAS TO TAKE
UP SMOKIN' AND DRINKIN'?
(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪
♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪
♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪
♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪
♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪
♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪
(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪
♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪
♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪
♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪
(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪
♪ THOSE WERE ♪
♪ THE DAYS ♪
[exclaiming]
HI, MA. HI, MA.
OH, HI, DID YOU HAVE A NICE
SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN THE PARK?
OH, YEAH, WE RENTED
A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2
AND WE PEDALED
ALL AROUND THE LAKE.
WELL, W-WAIT A
SECOND, I PEDALED.
SHE SAT THERE LIKE A QUEEN
WITH HER FEET UP
ON THE HANDLEBARS.
I REMEMBER WHEN ARCHIE AND
ME RENTED A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2.
WE TOOK A LONG
RIDE IN THE COUNTRY.
WASN'T IT FUN?
OH, YEAH.
BUT I WAS THE FAST PEDDLER
AND ARCHIE WAS THE SLOW PEDDLER.
SO OUR LEGS DIDN'T
CATCH UP WITH EACH OTHER
UNTIL YOUR FATHER'S
PANTS CAUGHT IN THE CHAIN.
THEN WE FELL OFF.
OH, THAT HURTS.
OH, YEAH.
AND THEN ARCHIE FIGURED
OUT THAT ON THE WAY BACK
ONE OF US SHOULD RIDE
AND ONE OF US SHOULD WALK.
HOW FAR'D YOU HAVE TO WALK, MA?
OH, ONLY 3 MILES.
HERE, MA, LET ME HELP
YOU WITH THE CROSSWORD.
OH, THIS AIN'T A CROSSWORD.
IT'S A LIFE EXPECTANCY TEST.
I FOUND IT IN THIS OLD HARPER'S
MAGAZINE IRENE WAS THROWIN' OUT.
YOU ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS
AND THEN IT TELLS YOU HOW
LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
WELL, LET ME SEE. HOW'D YOU DO?
846?
MA, THAT CAN'T BE
RIGHT. OH, NO, IT AIN'T.
YOU GOTTA PUT A DOT
HERE AFTER THE 4. THERE.
OH, THAT MEANS YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 84?
AND 6 MONTHS.
LIVING WITH ARCHIE,
IT'LL SEEM A LOT LONGER.
HERE I AM AND WE HAD A TERRIFIC
MEETING TONIGHT AT THE LODGE, EDITH.
ARCHIE, GUESS HOW
LONG I'M GONNA LIVE.
LOOK AT THIS. I'M ONLY HOME A
MINUTE AND SHE'S THREATENIN' ME.
GET THE DINNER
ON THE TABLE, EDITH.
OH, YEAH, WELL, IT'LL BE
A LITTLE WHILE, ARCHIE,
'CAUSE THE POTATOES ARE
RUNNIN' BEHIND THE CHICKEN.
WHILE...
WHILE WE'RE WAITING, LET ME FIGURE
OUT HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL
ME HOW LONG YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
84 YEARS AND 6 MONTHS.
OOH, WHOOP-DEE-DOO!
YEAH, IT'S ALL IN
THIS QUIZ HERE.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA BE
RIGHT WITH YOU THERE, EDITH,
BECAUSE A GYPSY PALM-READER
IN CONEY ISLAND ONCE TOLD ME
I GOT THE LONGEST
LIFELINE SHE EVER SEEN, SEE?
STARTS RIGHT THERE, WRAPS
AROUND THE THUMB TWICE,
AND GOES UP HERE
UNDERNEATH THE WATCHBAND.
SEE THAT?
I'LL PROBABLY LIVE LONG ENOUGH
TO SEE THEM PUT A MAN ON MARS.
WHAT IF THEY DO THAT NEXT YEAR?
WHAT I WON'T LIVE
LONG ENOUGH TO SEE
IS A MEATHEAD ON A PAYROLL.
DID YOU HAVE FUN AT
THE LODGE MEETING?
WE HAD A MILLION LAUGHS.
YOU REMEMBER SKEETS CALLAHAN
THAT RETIRED FROM
WINDOW WASHING?
MMM, YEAH.
WELL, HE HAD HIS LITTLE
GRANDSON THERE WITH HIM,
LITTLE SKEETS III.
KID WAS DRESSED UP IN A COMBAT
INFANTRYMAN'S OUTFIT, YOU KNOW.
CUTEST THING YOU EVER SEEN
WITH GRENADES AND A
MACHINE GUN AND EVERYTHING.
I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE TO
SEE CHILDREN PLAYING WAR.
AW.
[razzing]
LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT,
THAT'S THE MOST NATURAL THING
IN THE WORLD THERE, LITTLE GIRL.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, BECAUSE OF
THE WAY GOD MADE MEN.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THEM.
WHAT, HE GIVE THEM A
TRIGGER FINGER, DIDN'T HE?
ARCH, IF GOD HAD
MEANT MAN TO FIGHT,
WHY DIDN'T HE PUT GUNS
IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN?
WHO THE HELL IS ADAM
GONNA SHOOT? EVE?
WHY'S HE GONNA DO THAT ANYWAY?
'CAUSE SHE'S GOTTA HELP
HIM POPULATE THE WORLD,
AND MAKE HIS BREAKFAST FOR HIM.
AND WHEN THE WORLD
GETS POPULATION ENOUGH,
YOU GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN
THE WORLD TO MAKE ARMIES,
THEN GOD SENT DOWN THE WORD
THAT THEY COULD INVENT THE GUN.
AND I THINK THAT, UH,
GERMAN PREACHER,
MARTIN LUGER,
MADE THE FIRST ONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT
TO TEACH A BIBLE CLASS.
THEY GOT THOSE KIDS BELIEVIN'
THAT GOD STANDS
FOR PEACE AND LOVE.
WHICH HE DOES,
EXCEPT IN TIME OF WAR.
SO, WHAT'D YOU COME
UP WITH THERE, EDITH?
I'D BETTER SEE IF THE POTATOES
CAUGHT UP WITH THE CHICKEN.
YEAH, I... I... I HOPE YOU LAID IN
A COUPLE OF 6 PACKS OF BEER
'CAUSE I GOT A HELL
OF A THIRST ON ME.
I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT THAT ALL
THROUGH THE LODGE MEETING.
OH! YOU DONE IT.
HERE IT IS, FIRST TODAY.
SO WHAT AGE DID YOU
COME UP FOR ME, HUH?
THE POTATOES LOOK FINE.
WHAT'D YOU GET? 90, 85, 80...
OH, WELL, THOSE TESTS
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN', ARCHIE.
THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
I KNOW THEY'RE JUST FOR FUN.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT,
HOW MANY YEARS
OF FUN I GOT LEFT.
HEY, HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?
WELL, IF I TELL YOU, WILL YOU
PROMISE NOT TO TAKE IT SERIOUS?
OH, WHO TAKES THEM
THINGS SERIOUSLY?
WHAT IS IT?
63 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
THAT MAGAZINE BUMPED YOU OFF
BEFORE YOU GET SOCIAL SECURITY.
ARCHIE, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD BELIEVE
WHAT A QUIZ IN A
MAGAZINE TELLS YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT, EDITH.
OH, WELL, I WAS
AFRAID YOU WOULD.
NO. LISTEN, HERE'S
SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD YOU.
THE GYPSY PALM-READER THERE,
WELL, SHE TOLD ME THAT I'M
GONNA OUTLIVE YOU BY 10 YEARS.
SO CHEER UP.
W... I COULD'VE MADE
A MISTAKE IN ADDING.
WELL, YOU ALWAYS DO, EDITH.
THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA
CHECK YOUR FIGURES HERE.
I DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY LIFE
IN THE HANDS OF A DINGBAT.
NO! UH, UH, GLORIA, WOULD
YOU HELP ME GET THE DINNER ON?
YEAH, GET UP AND HELP
YOUR MOTHER, HUH?
YEAH, MAYBE THE POTATOES
PASSED THE CHICKEN.
DAMN THING KILLED ME OFF AT 63.
WHAT KIND OF A
TEST IS THIS, HUH?
HOW DOES IT WORK HERE, MEATHEAD?
WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
UH, LET'S SEE, UH,
WELL, IT SAYS HERE,
YOU TAKE YOUR YEAR OF BIRTH.
WHAT WAS THAT, 1924? YEAH.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT
WOULD MAKE YOUR BASE FIGURE 580.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
RIGHT OVER THERE, SEE?
OH, YEAH.
YEAH. THEN, UH, FOR
YOUR PRESENT AGE,
WHICH IS WHAT, 51? YEAH.
YEAH. WELL, YOU
ADD, UH, 5 YEARS,
SO THAT STARTS
YOU OUT WITH, UH, 630.
WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT? THAT ADDS UP.
I MEAN, LOOK
WHERE YOU'RE SITTIN'.
ALL RIGHT, START OFF WITH 630.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO
THIS THING. ALL RIGHT.
IT SAYS, "IF YOU'RE
MARRIED, ADD 5 YEARS."
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
ONE OF THEM ARABS WITH 20 WIVES
PICKS UP 100 YEARS FOR OPENERS.
I'M MARRIED. THEY GIVE ME
5 YEARS FOR HAVIN' EDITH.
I THOUGHT THEY'D
DOCK ME FOR THAT.
UH-OH, UH-OH, HERE'S
WHERE YOU LOSE A FEW.
YEAH? WHERE?
HERE, RIGHT THERE,
WHERE YOU LIVE.
"SMALL TOWN, ADD 3 1/2 YEARS,
BIG CITY, SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
OH, COME ON. WHY SHOULD A
CITY GUY LOSE OUT 2 YEARS?
'CAUSE THERE'S MORE POLLUTION,
MORE CONGESTION, MORE DISEASE.
ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S MORE
HOSPITALS, TOO, AIN'T THERE?
AND MORE CEMETERIES.
AW, COME ON.
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE
MYSELF NOTHIN'
BUT I AIN'T TAKIN'
OFF NOTHIN', EITHER.
IT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
HOW YOU DOIN', DADDY?
DID YOU FIND OUT
IF I ADDED WRONG?
ALL RIGHT, EDITH,
W-W-WE'RE GETTIN' THERE.
NOW LET ME SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
WHERE ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU?
"ALCOHOL, HEAVY
DRINKERS, SUBTRACT 5 YEARS.
VERY HEAVY DRINKERS,
SUBTRACT 10 YEARS."
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T DRINK.
YOU DRINK BEER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
BEER IS HEALTHY.
GIVE ME A COUPLE OF YEARS THERE.
BEER IS HEALTHY?
WELL, CERTAINLY
IT IS, LITTLE GIRL.
YOUR BEER IS MADE
FROM YOUR BARLEY,
YOUR BARLEY IS
FED TO YOUR HORSES.
EVERYBODY KNOWS
HOW LONG HORSES LIVE.
20 YEARS.
SHUT UP.
I THINK YOU BETTER LEAVE
THAT ONE BLANK LIKE I DID.
NO, THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
LOOK HERE, THEY KNOCK OFF 2 YEARS
OF YOUR LIFE FOR BEING A CITY GUY.
WHY DON'T THEY GIVE YOU
SOMETHIN' FOR NOT BEIN' A LUSH?
YEAH, BUT ARCHIE,
YOU'RE STILL AHEAD.
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T SUBTRACT
THEN IT'S THE SAME AS ADDIN'
'CAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T
TAKE OFF, YOU PUT ON.
THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKIN'
THAT KNOCKED ME OFF AT 63.
JUST GET THE
DINNER ON, WILL YOU?
I'M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE
WE GOT NEXT HERE?
YEAH. "ECONOMIC STATUS.
DEDUCT 3 YEARS IF
WEALTHY OR POOR."
WEALTHY OR POOR? WHAT
THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?
MIDDLE CLASS, WHICH
IS WHAT WE ARE.
WELL, ACTUALLY WE'RE
LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS.
WELL, AS I REMEMBER IT,
WE WAS UPPER TILL
YOU JOINED THE FAMILY.
YOU LOSE AT LEAST 2 YEARS THERE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, "SMOKING.
"ONE HALF TO ONE PACK OF
CIGARETTES A DAY, SUBTRACT 3 YEARS.
PIPE OR CIGAR,
SUBTRACT 2 YEARS."
LOOK AT THAT, 2 YEARS.
AH, YOU SMOKE
CIGARS, THAT'S MINUS 2.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I DON'T SMOKE
CIGARETTES, SO I SHOULD GET A PLUS 3.
SO, PLUS 3 TO MINUS 2,
SO IPSO FATSO, PLUS ONE.
GIVE ME THAT.
YOU GET MINUS 2. "IPSO FATSO."
IF YOU KEEP MINUSIN'
I'LL BE DEAD IN 1965.
HERE. "YOUR SHAPE."
HMM, LOOK AT THIS.
"IF YOU'RE OVER 40,
DEDUCT ONE YEAR
FOR EVERY 5 POUNDS
YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT."
THAT'S WHERE I LOST YOU.
COME ON, WILL YOU? IT AIN'T SO
MUCH THAT, I GOT HEAVY BONES.
IN YOUR STOMACH?
COME ON, YOU GOTTA DEDUCT
AT LEAST 2 YEARS FOR THAT.
AW, THIS THING IS CRAZY.
HERE, LOOK AT THIS.
"EVERY INCH OF YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT..."
JEEZ, I WISH THEY'D
GET OFF OF THE BELLY.
"EVERY INCH YOUR
WAIST MEASUREMENT
"EXCEEDS YOUR CHEST MEASUREMENT,
DEDUCT 2 YEARS."
OH, I GOT ABOUT A 40
CHEST AND ABOUT A 38 WAIST.
DADDY, HOW LONG CAN YOU
HOLD YOUR BREATH LIKE THAT?
TILL THE TEST IS OVER.
ARCH, ONCE YOU
EXHALE YOUR WAIST IS 41.
YOU LOSE A YEAR. OH, COME ON.
DID YOU COME TO DISPOSITION YET?
I HAD TO DEDUCT
4 YEARS FOR THAT.
4 YEARS? WHY'D YOU DO
A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU LOSE YOUR TEMPER.
I DO, LIKE HELL!
COME ON, GIVE ME PLUS 4 THERE.
MINUS, DADDY.
IF YOU DON'T LET ME WIN A FEW,
YOU'RE GONNA BE MINUS DADDY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HONEST WITH THIS TEST.
AW, IS THERE A QUESTION
ABOUT HONESTY IN HERE?
IF THERE WAS YOU'D
SELF-DESTRUCT.
I'LL ADD UP WHAT I'VE GOT
HERE. ADD IT UP, THERE.
YOU GOT... THAT MAKES
680... 630, THAT'S UH, 5...
SHUT UP! I LOST THE
4 I'M CARRYIN' HERE.
[muttering]
ALL RIGHT. ZERO. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS 4.
7, 7, 7, 7, 7. ALL
RIGHT, I SEE THAT.
ALL RIGHT NOW,
ZERO AND FROM 6...
WELL, THIS IS A STUPID ANSWER.
WHAT DID YOU GET?
IT'S 570 YEARS. THIS
IS A TEST FOR TREES.
DADDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
A DOT AFTER THE SECOND NUMBER.
AFTER YOUR 7 THERE. A DOT THERE?
THERE'S YOUR AGE.
57. YOU HAD ME 63 OVER
AT THE TABLE THERE.
YOU SEE, ARCHIE?
LIKE I SAID, THAT TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
IT MEANS A FAST CHECK
FOR AN UNDERTAKER.
ARCH, COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE
THIS THING SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU?
NO, I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUS.
THE TEST IS ONLY FOR
DOPES AND DINGBATS.
COME ON, GET DINNER, WILL YOU?
I GET SO NERVOUS
WHEN DINNER IS LATE!
O.K., ALL RIGHT. I'LL
MASH THE POTATOES.
I'M GONNA GO WASH UP. YEAH.
LET'S SEE THIS...
5 AND... [muttering]
ZERO... 6... IT'S A 7.
5.
OH, GEE.
[muttering]
OH, DON'T LET GO.
DON'T... DON'T...
DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE.
DON'T... DON'T LET GO! ARCHIE!
DON'T LET GO! HE LET GO.
ARCHIE, WAKE UP.
OH, GEE. PUT THE
LIGHTS ON, EDITH, QUICK.
OH, THANK GOD YOU WOKE ME UP.
I WAS HAVIN' AN AWFUL NIGHTMARE.
OH, WHAT WAS YOU DREAMIN' ABOUT?
I WAS AT MY FUNERAL.
WHY, WHO WAS YOU YELLIN' AT?
THE MEATHEAD.
HE WAS ONE OF MY
PALLBEARERS AND HE DROPPED ME.
AND I ROLLED RIGHT OUT OF
THE CASKET INTO THE ROAD.
I GOT THE NEW SUIT
DIRTY AND EVERYTHING.
I WAS NEVER SO
EMBARRASSED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
IT WAS TERRIBLE, EDITH.
LOOK AT THE PILLOW,
IT'S WET WITH FEAR.
OH, I'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU.
OH, GEE, THAT DUMB MEATHEAD.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO
BE USIN' 2 HANDS.
HE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO
BE EATIN' A SANDWICH
WHILE HE'S CARRYING ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN'
FOR? I'M LOOKIN' FOR A CIGAR.
ARCHIE, SMOKIN' CIGARS
AIN'T GOOD FOR YOU.
EVEN THAT TEST IN
THE MAGAZINE SAID SO.
OH, THAT DAMN TEST.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT
TEST, IN THAT NIGHTMARE,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
BURYIN' ME HERE IN THE BED.
ARCHIE, IT WAS ONLY A DREAM
AND THEM TEST
DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'.
THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO YOU.
'CAUSE THEY SAY YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE AN OLD BAG OF 84.
ME, I'M GONNA BE PLANTED IN
THE FLOWERS OF MY MANHOOD.
NIGHTMARE OR NO, EDITH,
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
IT REALLY MAKES
YOU STOP AND THINK.
HEY, LISTEN.
HEY, LISTEN, EDITH,
NOW COME HERE.
SIT... SIT DOWN, I WANNA
TALK TO YOU HERE.
EDITH,
AS REGARDS MY REAL
FUNERAL... OH, ARCHIE.
GET OUT OF THE
BED WHILE I'M TALKIN'.
AS REGARDS MY FUNERAL,
I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE
UNION IS TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, THE PLOT, FLOWERS,
MUSIC, EVERYTHING.
THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE
TO REMEMBER TO BRING IS ME.
OH, ARCHIE, I DON'T
WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
EDITH, EDITH, INTELLIGENT,
MODERN PEOPLE
GOTTA TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.
NOW LISTEN, HERE'S A
LAST BEQUEST, HERE, SEE.
THE REVEREND
FLETCHER... FELCHER.
WHATEVER.
I DON'T WANT THAT GUY SAYING
MY LAST UROLOGY OVER ME.
HE IS A WINDBAG.
SAME FUNERARIAL
SPEECHES FOR EVERYTHING.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHETHER IT WAS ME
OR HE'S PREACHIN' OVER A CAT.
GO BACK TO SLEEP, ARCHIE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, I
CAN'T, I CAN'T, EDITH.
THAT FUNERAL.
THAT WAS JUST A DREAM.
THE FUNERAL IS OVER.
IT WASN'T OVER
WHEN I LEFT IT, EDITH.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET
TO THE CEMETERY YET.
IF I GET BACK AND FALL ASLEEP,
SUPPOSE I PICK UP ON IT AGAIN?
I DON'T WANNA GET TO THE PART
WHERE THEY THROW DIRT ON ME.
NO, NO, NO, I... I NEED A BEER.
GLORIA, I AM INTERESTED
IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE
MORE INTERESTED IN FOOD.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S EQUAL.
DADDY WAS REALLY WORRIED.
HE HARDLY SAID A WORD ALL NIGHT.
YEAH, IT WAS A NICE EVENING.
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
QUARTER PAST MIDNIGHT AND
YOU'RE STILL SCRAVENGING DOWN HERE.
HE'S THE ONLY HUMAN BEING WHOSE
MOUTH DON'T GET 8 HOURS SLEEP.
NICE TO SEE YOU'RE IN A
GOOD MOOD AGAIN, ARCH.
ARCHIE, LET ME
MAKE YOU A SANDWICH
NO, NO, NO. TO GO
WITH YOUR BEER.
EDITH, DON'T WASTE
NO FOOD ON ME.
AW.
OH, MIKE, YOU
TALK TO HIM. OH, MA.
OH, YEAH, HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
DEEP DOWN HE RESPECTS YOU.
I HATE TO DIVE THAT DEEP.
HONEY.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY. I'LL TRY.
DADDY, MICHAEL HAS SOMETHING
HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
AND YOU LISTEN TO HIM.
OH, WHAT'S THE USE? ARCH, LOOK.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
IN THIS MAGAZINE.
THERE'S SOMETHING IN
HERE, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
LOOK WHAT IT SAYS HERE.
"BEWARE. THE FIGURES ARE
UNSCIENTIFIC AND EXTREMELY IMPRECISE.
"THEY WILL PREDICT FOR ANY OF US
ONLY IN TERMS OF
VERY ROUGH ODDS."
ARCH, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DIE WHEN YOU'RE 57.
THE ONLY REAL INDICATION
OF HOW LONG A
PERSON'S GONNA LIVE
I-IS HIS HEREDITY.
BUT I AIN'T GOT THAT.
I LOST THAT WITH MY
APPENDIX, DIDN'T I?
ARCH, ARCH,
YOUR... YOUR HEREDITY
IS... IS YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.
WELL, THEN WHY
DON'T YOU TALK CLEAR?
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. YOUR FATHER,
HOW OLD WAS YOUR
FATHER WHEN HE DIED?
57.
IT'S A COINCIDENCE.
IT... IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR...
Y-Y-YOUR GRANDFATHER?
HOW OLD WAS HE?
56.
YEAH, BUT HE WAS RUN
OVER BY A STREETCAR.
I KNOW. IT CUT OFF THE
LAST WHOLE YEAR OF HIS LIFE.
DADDY, YOUR GRANDFATHER
PROBABLY WOULD'VE LIVED
TO BE A VERY OLD MAN.
HONEY, DOESN'T LONG LIFE
USUALLY SKIP A GENERATION?
WELL, NOT IN THE BUNKER FAMILY.
WE GOT DEAD RELATIVES
IN EVERY GENERATION.
WELL, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK IN
THE MORNING SO I'M GOING TO BED.
OH, YEAH. GO AHEAD, YEAH.
THERE'S FEELING FOR YOU THERE.
ARCH, JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS
DIDN'T LIVE A LONG TIME
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T.
AAH!
OH, OH, OH, OH, ARCHIE!
ARCHIE, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THAT.
WHY NOT? I ALREADY GAVE
2 YEARS OF MY LIFE FOR THIS.
[exclaiming]
MAYBE IF YOU GIVE UP
SMOKIN' YOU'LL GET 'EM BACK.
AND THEN IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT
YOU'LL GET A FEW MORE YEARS.
OH, NO, NO, IT'S
TOO LATE, EDITH.
MY BUS HAS SAILED.
ARCH, MA'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THAT SILLY TEST
BUT I MEAN, IF YOU DID
CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE,
MAYBE YOU COULD ADD A FEW YEARS.
GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT
ARE CAUSING YOU AGGRAVATION.
I TELL YOU, HE'S GOT
SOMETHIN' THERE.
THIS CITY LIFE.
YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
LIVIN' IN A SMALL TOWN
IT MIGHT ADD 10
YEARS TO ME, EDITH.
BUT ARCHIE, WHERE
WOULD WE MOVE TO?
OH, GEE, CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA.
THERE'S MILLIONS OF SMALL
TOWNS OUT THERE IN THE WEST.
"GO WEST, GO WEST," LIKE
HORACE GREENBERG SAID.
AND IF I WENT WEST THERE
I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO THAT ONE THING
I WANTED TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
WHAT'S THAT, ARCHIE?
RIDE A HORSE.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED HORSES.
OH, SURE, I ALWAYS
BEEN NUTS ABOUT HORSES.
ASK EDITH THERE.
BUT WHERE THE HELL DO YOU
EVER SEE A HORSE IN NEW YORK
UNLESS YOU OPEN UP
A CAN OF DOG FOOD?
ARCH, UH, ARE YOU REALLY
SERIOUS ABOUT MOVIN' OUT WEST?
CERTAINLY, I'M SERIOUS. WHY NOT?
GET OUT OF THE CITY,
GET OUT OF THE RAT RACE.
GET OUT ON THE RANGE
WHERE THE BUFFALOES ROAM.
"WHERE THE DEERS
AND THE ANTELOPES PLAY
"WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD
A DISCOURAGING WORD
"AND THE SKIES SOMETHIN',
SOMETHIN' ALL DAY"
YOU KNOW THAT DEATH QUIZ, EDITH?
MAYBE THAT TAUGHT
US HOW TO LIVE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIST THIS
HOUSE FOR SALE MONDAY MORNIN'.
ARCHIE, I THINK WE
BETTER GO TO BED.
BUT THEN, YOU, MEATHEAD, YOU AND
GLORIA'D BE OUT IN THE COLD, HUH?
ARCH, ARCH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME AND GLORIA.
Y-YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO?
HERE'S MY LITTLE GIRL.
LISTEN, COME OVER HERE
AND SIT DOWN, SWEETHEART.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.
I GOT SOME GOOD
NEWS FOR YOU, DADDY.
YOU SEE, WE WERE
TALKING THIS THING OVER...
I WAS WORKIN' OUT
YOUR TEST UPSTAIRS
AND YOU GOT THE
NUMBERS ALL MIXED UP HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO BE 75.
HUH?
WELL, YOU SEE, YOU SUBTRACTED
WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDED
AND THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE
YOURSELF THE RIGHT BASE FIGURE
TO BEGIN WITH.
YOU SURE OF THAT?
YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE TO BE 75 YEARS OLD.
HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
75, HUH?
AND YOU HAD ME DEAD AT 63.
AND 4 MONTHS. AND 4 MONTHS!
AND YOU OVER HERE.
HOW OLD WAS I WHEN
YOU KILLED ME OFF?
I... I DON'T KNOW, 57.57, YEAH!
YOU AND HER, YOU HAD
ME DEAD AND BURIED.
TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL
HERE TO DIG ME UP.
WELL, I'M ALIVE, AND
I'M GONNA STAY ALIVE.
AND I'M GONNA EAT.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH.
I'LL DRINK ALL THE
DAMN BEER I WANT
AND I'LL SMOKE CIGARS
RIGHT UP TO THE TIME I'M 75.
YOU AND YOUR POLACK ARITHMETIC!
OH, GLORIA, I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.
I KNOW, HONEY, I JUST CHANGED
THE NUMBERS AROUND A BIT.
DADDY'S SO WORRIED
ABOUT THIS STUPID TEST,
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE
HIM AN EXTRA 18 YEARS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TELL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, NO, DON'T TELL HIM.
GIVE HIM THE 18 YEARS.
BESIDES, ARCHIE'S SO STUBBORN
IF HE THINKS HE'LL LIVE TO 75,
HE'LL DO IT EVEN
IF IT KILLS HIM.
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
NOW THAT YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE TO BE 75?
JEEZ, EDITH, WHO WOULDN'T?
BUT LISTEN,
NOW THAT TEST SAYS THAT
YOU'RE GONNA GO ON TO 84, HUH?
YEAH, AND 6 MONTHS.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER,
BUT, GEE, THAT MEANS,
WELL, THERE'S 9 1/2 LONELY YEARS
YOU GOTTA GO ON WITHOUT ME, HUH?
BUT I HAD A THOUGHT.
SUPPOSE YOU WAS TO TAKE
UP SMOKIN' AND DRINKIN'?
(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.