All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 11 - Archie and the Miracle - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

(Both) ? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

hi, ma. Hmm.

Where's Michael? Oh, he's upstairs,
trying to fix the toilet

oh.

What's wrong with it? Well,
it keeps makin' funny noises.

Maybe the little man in the row
boat got an outboard motor.

[Laughing] Oh, no.

See, the water goes down

and it keeps runnin'.

And to fill the tank, you gotta reach in

and pull up that big
metal ball and hold it.

But nobody's got time to hold it all day.

Ma, why didn't you call the plumber?



Oh, no, Archie says plumbers
charge more than doctors

for house calls. $18.

Well, then, let's call a doctor.

[Chuckling] Oh.

Oh, Mike, did you fix it?

Well, I tied up the metal
ball so that it just floats.

But now you got to untie it,
every time you wanna flush it.

Hello? And here I am.

Everything's ok. There ain't
nothin' to worry about.

Everything's ok. There ain't
nothin' to worry about.

Archie! What's the matter?

Oh, Edith, Edith, Edith. None of them

"how was your day's" or
"whoop-Dee-woo's" tonight.

Edith, here. Take my coat.

This ain't one of your slight-hearted
occasions here this evening.

Come here to me, my little girl.

Get over here.

You know, you--you nearly
lost your daddy today.

Why? What happened?

It's all right, Gloria, he's just fine--

what do you mean "fine"? I ain't
fine, I'm anything but fine.

Tell 'em what happened there, stretch.

Uh, he nearly got himself killed at work.

And that's what you call fine?

I nearly got myself killed today at work.

Oh, daddy, are you hurt
? (Mike) Archie, are you ok?

Archie, what happened? You know...

A whole crate of machine parts

fell off the crane and
missed him by that much.

Get outta here. It missed
me by this here much.

Yeah, another inch, we could've
mailed him home in an envelope.

[Laughing]

Where's my lunch box?

Bring the lunch here,
let me show them this.

This is my lunch box, I brought home.

How would you like it if I walked
in the door lookin' like that?

Oh, Archie!

Are you sure you ain't hurt?

Oh, not a scratch.

Me and Irene just rode him home
in the subway 'cause old arch

was like this... You know?

Yeah, and that was after he'd calmed down.

Thank you, both of you,
for bringin' him home.

Hey, hey, stretch come way out
of his way to come home with me.

They--they don't make
guys like him no more.

No, not since my father died.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

Laugh, will ya?

[Laughing]

Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're safe.

It's a miracle, Edith,
that I wasn't killed.

Yeah, it sure was. And lucky for me, too.

'Cause I ain't got a black suit.

[Laughing]

Who--who said that?

I think we ought to go
. (Archie) Yeah, see you later.

Well, listen, youse two, I mean,
thank you very, very much.

In other words, I mean to say, what I mean
to say is, God bless the two of youse.

We'll see you, arch. I'll see
you in the morning, Archie.

Bye, everybody (All) Bye.

Archie, do you feel up
to talkin' about it now?

What do you mean, up to talkin' about it?

I was just gettin' down
to talkin' about it.

This happened on the last
coffee break of the day.

For me, it could've been the last
coffee break of all time, Edith.

I'm sittin' there

when Dutch krieger ups to me and
offers me a hard boiled egg

left over from his lunch, you know?

So, I take them egg, you
know, I--I peel it off

and I'm just about to eat
it, when all of a sudden

a voice, you know, come like
out of nowhere into my head.

And it says to me:

"You need salt on that egg."

Your voice was right.

Because a hardboiled egg always
tastes better with salt on it.

If you want, startin' tomorrow,
I'll put a hard boiled--

would you shut up and let
me finish the story here?

So, I take a couple of steps
over to Dutch to get the salt,

and I here a whoosh behind me.

I turn around and bam, this crate
comes right down off of a crane,

down on a loadin' platform
right where I was sittin'.

Now can you imagine if that thing
had hit me on top of my head?

Wasn't you wearing your safety hat?

The crate weighed one ton.

If I hadn't have moved,

my feet would've been
wearing my safety hat.

Gee, arch, you sure were lucky.

Aw, come on, it wasn't luck.

It wasn't luck, it was God.

Who?

You heard me, it was God's voice

that warned me and saved me there.

Uh-uh, how did you know it was God's voice?

Because, buddy, God has one of them voices

that you never ever forget.

You know, like bing Crosby.

Oh, my, Archie.

It's like a miracle you wasn't killed.

What do you mean, like a miracle?

I'm telling ya, it was a miracle.

Aw, come on Archie, it was luck,
there's no such thing as miracles.

Ah? What the hell do you know?

There's millions and billions
of people that read the Bible.

There are plenty of miracles. Miracles
run all through the Bible there.

What about your story of
Noah and the whale there?

What about samson?

He takes a jawbone out of the grass

and he kills the whole
army of the Philippines.

What's important is you're alive!

Yeah, all right, Edith,
all right, all right!

I'm alive and I'm hungry,

so, shake a leg and get supper
on the table there, will ya?

Oh, I'll-- I'll help you, ma.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Oh, my, I'm lucky I have
you to shake a leg for.

Look at this.

This could be me I'm
holding in my hand here.

Well, I'm tellin' you, it
makes a guy stop and think

when he's just been the
victim of a miracle.

Come on, you just had a close call.

You don't have to pretend
to get religious about it.

Hey, hey, there. I don't pretend
nothing when it comes to religion.

I'll show you how much I pretend.

Hey, Edith, get out here, will ya?

Here, Archie, dinner's almost ready.

Yeah, well, hold dinner for a minute.
Now you got the number,

I want you to get on the phone and
get ahold of reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

Get him on the blower there, eh?

What do you wanna talk to him for?

I got a little surprise for him.

And a surprise for you, too.
Hurry up there, huh?

Oh, all right.

Oh.

This guy's been flying around
the house since July the 4th.

I'll get him now.

[Exclaiming]

All right, hold it, hold it
. Hold it, meathead, don't move.

Don't move, don't move.

Yeah, I finally knocked his brains out.

Arch, you killed a fly.
One of God's creatures.

Aw, that's gonna make no difference.

Insects and animals don't
count, they ain't got no souls.

Which means they can't get into heaven?
That's right.

Who'd want to go to heaven if
it was full of flies and dogs?

Might as well stay in New York.

Hello, reverend felcher?

(Archie) Yeah, I'll be right there, Edie.

You still got some fly on you, there.

(Edith) Yeah, Archie wants to talk to you.

Here. Yeah.

Uh, hello there, reverend Fletcher.

Whatever.

Uh, listen, what I wanted to say was, uh,

you remember the annual appeal for
the "leak in roof" envelopes?

We're supposed to put some
money in and send back.

I know you never got mine.

That's what I'm trying to tell ya.

I'm gonna put an extra buck in
the basket on Sunday for that.

That's right, I am gonna do--

you're gonna know it's my buck.

Look for the dollar that has "a.
B." Under "in God we trust."

Yeah.

And I want to come to
church every Sunday now.

And I promise I'm gonna do
good work for the church.

Absolutely, reverend.

Yeah, well, listen. We've
got to eat now, so, uh,

I'll see you in church, huh?

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, ok, bye.

There. Oh, Archie!

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, certainly you are.

I'll get dinner. Get it, yeah.

All right. You heard that telephone
conversation, didn't ya?

I heard it, I heard it,
but I don't believe it.

Because come this Sunday, you're
gonna be doing what you always do.

You're gonna be sitting right
in this chair, drinking beer,

watching T.V. and swearing at Joe namath.

You wanna bet me $5000?

Arch, did you ever stop to think

when that crate dropped...

Maybe God was out to get you and missed?

Come and get it. Oh, boy, am I hungry!

Oh!

Who do you think you are?

Diving after the food the way
a pelican dives after fish.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Nobody eats nothin' here,
until we say grace.

We never say grace.

Well, we're gonna say it from now on.

I always say grace in my heart.

Well, in your mouth, you're
gonna say it tonight.

Uh, we're gonna give God thanks
for the food on this table

which comes from him.

Maybe we can ask him to lower his prices.

Never mind. You're blaspheming there.

Just clam up, all of youse
now and bow your heads down.

Bow that head down.

Hello, lord, a. Bunker here.

I wanna give thou thanks for the food
that thou put on the table here.

For instance, the salad.

The, uh, meatloaf,

pearl potatoes, um,

chopped up green stuff here.

Broccoli.

She says it's broccoli, lord,

and for snatching me from the,
what do you call, "jaws of death,"

I'll thank you for that in private
before I go to bed tonight. Amen.

Oh, Archie, that was beautiful.

Damn right it was.

All right, can we eat now?

Hold it, hold it.

Give me that.

Now.

[Cutlery clattering]

Hey, daddy.

Did you ever think that crate just
missing you was probably pure luck?

Aw, luck, luck, luck. Who do you
think is the boss over all luck?

God. That's right.

It was good luck. Anything
bad comes from the devil.

Arch, there is no devil,
there is no heaven,

there is no hell, and there is no God.

Oh, there he goes again, lord!

[All clamoring]

That's right, arch, I'll
tell you something else--

[choking] Lord, listen to this.

Hey, hey, hey. Michael, what's the matter?

Food went down the wrong way.

Oh, no! What the lord servin' them
words back down your throat again.

[Shouting]

Raise your arms over your head.

[Choking]

Shut up. Go on.

That'll show you to fool around
with the lord, you wise guy.

Honey, sit down.

[Scoffing] Put your head between your legs!

Stick his head out the front door.

Get after him, lord

go ahead, ha-ha, do your
stuff, lord, do your stuff!

[Footsteps approaching]

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi. Breakfast ready yet?

Oh, we'll have ours after ma
and daddy go to church, ok?

Gee. I gotta admit, I never
thought he'd last this long.

3 Sundays in a row, that guy
must be bucking for sainthood.

Yeah, ma says, he says his
prayers every night at bedtime

and he's still saying grace at every meal.

Yeah, but have you noticed the graces
are getting shorter and shorter?

Last night's grace was just
enough to cover the soup.

Hurry, you don't wanna miss the first hymn.

I'll whistle the first hymn for you
on the way over to the church.

Now remember, when the services
are over, I don't want you

wastin' time yappin' with
that reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

I wanna race right home and tune in
on the football game here on T.V.

Have you got your dollar
for the collection plate?

I got it right over here in my wallet.

Jeez, a dollar a week, in
that plate from now on.

That comes to what, nearly $50 a year.

Well, Archie, you said yourself

you was payin' back the
lord for savin' your life.

10 cents would've covered that.

Have you got the raffle ticket?

Yeah, I got it right here.

They're gonna announce the winner today.

This little item is gonna get the
family a brand new color T.V. set.

Oh, did that little voice tell you that?

That's right, meathead.

The little voice told me to get
this ticket 'cause it's number 18

which is my lucky number.

Oh, you believe in lucky numbers too, huh?

When it's based on cold hard facts, yeah.

For instance, the lord saved
me on the 18th of the month.

I was born on the 18th of the month.

Used to have a locker years
ago with work: Number 18.

And when you first met me, I was 18.

Well, not every system is perfect, Edith.

Bye.

(Gloria) Bye.

(Mike) So long.

I don't know, I don't know,

I tried fixing that toilet
again, I can't do it.

Maybe we'll just have to get another one.

Yeah.

2 heads are better than one.

[Giggling]

[Laughing]

Yoo-hoo! We're home.

(Gloria) Hi, ma.

Hi, daddy, how was the sermon?

Ah, that guy never stops talkin'.

He don't give sermons, he
gives a weekly filibooster.

And you, don't you never poke me
in the ribs in church no more.

But, Archie, you were sound asleep.

The whole conjugation was asleep.

Picture puzzle.

What man in this room did
not win a color T.V. today?

Archie didn't.

Mike, how did you know?

Oh, who won it?

Oh, some woman from Trenton, New Jersey.

And she don't even go to our church.

Do I run down to Trenton to
win prizes from them people?

My 2 poor knees are wore out from
kneelin' down and prayin' for that thing.

Uh, what's the matter, arch,
you losing your faith in God?

No, did you fix the ball in the toilet yet?

I was working on it, all right?

Give me a hand upstairs will you, Gloria?

Well, you fix it this time, will ya?

Fighting that copper ball takes all
the fun out of goin' to the toilet.

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

(Archie) Get the phone, Edith.

Hello.

Oh, hello, reverend felcher.

Yeah, he is.

I don't know, I'll ask him.

Ask me what?

Hold on, just a minute.

The reverend felcher wants
you to drive the church bus

on Sunday afternoon.

What church bus?

Well, they got a bus now to drive
around the senior circle society.

Oh, jeez.

[Exclaiming] He said it would
be like driving for the lord.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Give me the phone.

Well, it's over there.

Get out of the way.

Archie, be nice.

Shush, you.

Hey, before you say anything, reverend,
my Sundays are all jammed up.

Huh?

Well, I--I know I prom--

yeah, I know I promised.

[Stuttering] Yeah, I know I promised--

why the hell did you answer this phone?

Yeah.

Yeah, ok, well, yeah, I'm gonna
keep the promise, sure. What time?

2:00. Yeah, I'll be there.

No, I won't forget.

No, I'll remember, because
2:00 is kick-off time.

God bless you, too.

Damn, damn, and damn!

Archie.

Please don't swear on Sunday.

I will swear on any Sunday
when that Sunday is ruined.

And this Sunday is ruined.

I gotta spend it bussing a lot
of old has-beens and holdovers.

I gotta take 'em to that
supper service tonight

then I gotta wait around with the
bus and bus 'em all home again.

You'll get a free church dinner.

[Doorbell ringing] Oh, jeez, big
deal, a free church dinner.

I could get one of them
at the salivation army.

Hi, arch. Hiya, stretch.

Oh, hi there, Edith. (Edith) Hi.

Hey, arch, have I got
somethin' for the 2 of us.

Huh? 2 tickets to the jets game for today.

What?

Look at that. Right on the 50 yard line,

close enough to hear the bones break.

[Laughing]

Edith, they're tickets
to the jets game today.

Uh, Archie can't go, stretch, 'cause
he promised the reverend felcher

he'd drive for the lord today.

I gotta drive for the lord today.

Uh, what are you driving, arch, a hearse?

Yeah, but the people are all sittin' up.

Well, it's, uh, too bad
you can't go to the game.

But like it says in the Bible,

the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Oh, jeez.

Tough lucketh.

(Gloria) Daddy,

Michael needs your help upstairs.

Everybody needs my help today.

When is someone goin' to give me some help?

Boy, is he gettin' crabby.

Oh, no, Gloria, he's so disappointed.

He can't go to the jets
game with stretch today

'cause he was called to
drive the church bus.

Called? You mean he heard a voice again?

[Chuckling] Oh, no.

Well, yeah, the reverend
felcher's voice on the phone.

[Crashing]

[Archie screaming] Oh. Oh!

Archie, what is the matter?

Daddy! What happened?

Daddy? (Mike) I'm sorry, arch.

(Archie) Get away from
me, you meathead, you.

What? I was just trying to help you.
Get away.

I'm sorry. Away.

Every time he comes near me,
something happens here.

What happened?

This dumbbell dropped the
heavy lid of the toilet tank

right on my instoop, here.

Here, let me give you a hand, arch.
Get away from me, you.

Well, let me look at it. Oh.

Look, what--what are you gonna look?

How're you gonna see pain?

Archie,

do you think you'll still be
able to drive the church bus?

Oh, jeez, I wouldn't think so, Edith.

I mean, it's the right foot. How can I drive, dear?
I can hardly stand up.

Well, let me sit down. The
pain's getting worse here.

[Moaning] Gee.

I tell you what, you better
call up the reverend Fletcher.

Felcher. Whatever.

And tell him to get somebody else to drive

'cause I wouldn't wanna disappoint
all them nice old folks.

All right. Right away.

We better elevate that foot.

Michael, pull over the coffee table.
Get a pillow for it.

Will that help me, little girl?
I think it'll help, daddy.

Yeah, you're a good girl. I know.

Arch, let me take your shoe
off-- get away from there!

That shoe might be the only thing
holdin' the foot together.

Daddy, if the foot's that bad, maybe
we should be calling the doctor.

Never mind the doctor,
get a plumber, will ya?

That toilet's out to kill me.

Oh, thank you very much, yeah. Oh, goodbye.

Reverend felcher says he'll get
somebody to drive the bus.

And he said he'd say a prayer for you.

I hope he keeps it short,
he'll put the lord to sleep.

(Gloria) Daddy, does it hurt?

[Doorbell ringing] I got pain here.

(Edith) I'll get it
. I'll get you an ice bag.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, hi, Irene. Come in. Hi.

I just came over to see if I could
borrow Archie's binoculars.

Of course. Ah! The pain here.

What's the matter with your foot?

God's aim is gettin' better.

Here you go, Irene.

Oh, thank you, Edith.

Hey, what do you want the
binoculars for there, Irene?

Don't tell me Barney Hefner is
leavin' his shades up again.

No, stretch wants them for the game today.

Wait a minute. Ain't stretch
left for the game yet?

Oh, he's over at my house havin'
milk and cookies. Hold everything,

maybe I'm in luck. Maybe I can
catch him before he goes.

Archie! Look, you're walkin' good again.

Hey, I was sittin' in the chair
there, prayin' for relief

and guess what happened? I got relief.

Another miracle. Praise the lord!

Shut up, you.

Daddy, I got the ice bag. What
are you doin' on your bad foot?

I know I shouldn't be, but I can't
let stretch go to a ball game alone.

Oh, he's not going alone.

Huh?

He said you couldn't make
it and then he told me:

"Arch can't go, so I'm taking one
of the other guys from work."

Don't tell me that, Irene.

Who's he takin'?

Me.

[Laughing]

[Mimicking Irene]

Oh!

Why do these things happen to me?

The lord works in mysterious ways, Archie.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.