All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 12 - George and Archie Make a Deal - full transcript

George tries to butter up the people in the neighborhood because he is running for city counsel under the guise that he wants to improve things in his community. In reality, he has plans to buy the florist shop next door to his dry cleaner and knock down the wall so he can expand his business. Unfortunately, he needs Archie's signature on the petition in order to get other people in the neighborhood to sign it. Lionel opens his big mouth about George's plan to Archie but then tells his father that the plan won't work because the floral shop is in a district that he would be working in.

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?

? those were

? the days

hey, something smells good.

What's for dinner? Pot roast.

And Archie's favorite
dessert, rice pudding,

with raisins

and a few bran flakes.

Bran flakes in rice pudding?

Yeah. We ran out of raisins, and
it was too late to go shoppin',

so I took the raisins out
of the raisin bran cereal.

So, tomorrow morning if your
cereal don't taste raisiny,

it's 'cause you ate your raisins tonight.

I hate this day and it ain't over yet.

Oh, Archie, what happened?

Oh, it all started this morning.

I go to work, I'm runnin' for
the damn time clock there,

I slid on a bunch of grapes,
fell right on my keister.

I'll show you the black and
blue mark before we go to bed.

Then stretch Cunningham
sits on my sandwich bag,

he crushes the peanut
butter and jelly sandwich,

wipin' out the twinkie at the same time.

And then on my comfort break,

my cigar falls out of my
mouth and into the toilet.

I know right then and there I ain't gonna
be livin' through my finest hours.

Will you get out of the chair?
Get out of the chair.


Ah, poor Archie.

And then the topper of all, Edith,

as the French used to say,
the piece of resistance,

I'm on a subway and I get a burn hole,

right there, in my best
coming-home-from-work pants.

Oh, my.

Oh, Archie, I can't fix that,
that has to be weaved.


You shouldn't have been
smokin' on the subway anyway.

I wasn't smokin', little girl.

A guy standin' over me was smokin',

he was usin' me for an ashtray there.

And look at that, Edith. That
was very close, you know.

I felt like kickin' him right in the ankle.

But he was a black guy, so I let it go.

Gee, you're gettin' pretty
tolerant in your old age.

He was as big as muhammad ally.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macrame.

(Gloria) He's making me a new belt.

(Edith) Ain't it pretty?

Maca-roni? What?


Don't say it.

There ain't nothing to say, Florence.

You said it.

Will you stop doin' that?

Some friend of mine might
come walkin' through the door

and find out that I got a
fruitcake for a son-in-law.

Daddy, there's nothing effeminate about it.

Lots of men are doin' hobbies like that.

Yeah. Rosey grier does needlepoint,

would you call him a fruitcake?

There's no such thing as a colored fag.


You don't believe me?

Walk up to any colored guy and
ask him, "are you a fag?"

Your tonsils will be
wearing your moustache.

Edith, get dinner on the table there, huh?

It's all ready.

I just hope it ain't too well done for you.

You was a little late tonight, Archie.

Well, I stopped in kelcy's
on the way home for a beer.

And who do you think is in there

spendin' money, hand over fist,

buyin' drinks for the whole joint?

Who? Your neighbor here, George Jefferson.

Oh, my, wasn't that nice of him?

Wasn't nothin' nice about it.
The guy's just showin' off.

He happens to be makin' a few extra
bucks now with his cleanin' stores

and that's it.

Comes a walkin' into kelcy's
there, making a lot of noise

with a wad of bills big
enough to choke a dog.

Shootin' his mouth off. I hate it
when them people try acting white.

Yeah. But you drank his beers, didn't you?

Certainly, I did.

I figured he was up to somethin'
and I wanted to find out what.

Why, just because a guy acts
nice, he has to have an angle?


If I had your attitude,
I'd go live in a cave.

You'd live anywhere that was rent-free.

I'm telling you, Louise,
you should've seen bunker

guzzlin' down all that free beer.

He couldn't even say, "thank
you," he was too busy belching.

Well, if it bothered you, you
shouldn't have bought him any.

I had to, that's politics.

Look, when you're running for office,

you have to do a whole lot of
things you don't believe in.

George, that's not exactly honest.

What's honesty got to do with politics?

I'm running for republican county
committee, not the boy scouts.

That's not for you, it's for the church.

Good night, people.

Where you think you goin'?
Out to dinner, with Jenny.

Mmm-hmm, if you was any kind of son,

you'd stay here and help me get
some signatures on my petition,

instead of runnin' around the
streets with miss half and half.

There you go again.

Fine son you are, after all I'm
trying to do for your community.

Oh, like what?

Like all the things you
been complaining about.

Improving housing,

fighting crime, cleaning up the streets.

You really serious about this, pop?

As sure as I'm standin' here.

Ok, well, I can't help you tonight,

but tomorrow night for sure, all right?

All right, we'll see.

Good night. Give my love to Jenny.

Oh, thanks, mom.

And you, pop?

Oh, same goes for me, give
her your mother's love.

George, if you get on that committee,

are you really gonna do all
those things you said?

Sure I am.

After I get them to change that zoning law.

Zoning law? What zoning law?

The one that's stopping me

from breaking through the
wall of our cleaning shop

and taking over the store next door.


You don't wanna help the community,

you just wanna feather your own nest.

It's your nest, too, Louise.

And I'm sharin' it with a cuckoo.

Look, don't fight me, weezy.

It's my big chance to get into the
system and make it work for us.

Even if you have to lie to do it.

In politics, lies are called promises.

And promises are made to
be broken, right? Right.

And remember, don't touch that cake.

I promise.

Well, that's politics.

Pass me the pot roast, please.

Hand me the gravy, please.

Can you hand me a roll?

What is this?

No wonder I can never
finish dinner around here,

I'm always too busy waitin' on you.

Here. Here's the roll.

There's the peas and carrots.
There's the potatoes.

Get it all. It's all gonna
wind up down there anyway.

You forgot the butter.

[Doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Whoever it is, tell him, "get out of here."

Oh, hello, Mr. Jefferson. Come in.

Louise asked me to bring this over.

Oh, my.

It's beautiful. Oh, thank you.

Archie, look what Louise sent over.

If it's one of her cats I don't want it.

It's a cake.

Oh, a cake. Well, stick that down
in front of the meathead, too.

Mr. Jefferson, would like a cup of coffee?

Ah. Don't mind if I do.

Oh, Archie,

why don't you show
Mr. Jefferson your pants?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

As long as you're over here, Jefferson, uh,

maybe you could give me your
professional opinion, uh,

on this here.

It's a hole.

No kidding.

What I wanted to know is how much
you'd charge me to fix that hole.

Well, a weaving job like
that will run you about $12.

That's more than I paid for
the pants 4 years ago.

In those days holes were
a lot cheaper, too.

[Archie groans]

Here you are, Mr. Jefferson. Thank you.

Uh, bunker, uh,

I brought this petition
over for you to sign.

A petition?

Yeah, I'm passing it
around the neighborhood.

Why, some more puerto
ricans trying to get in?

No, I'm trying to get in. I'm running
for the republican county committee.

You don't look like a republican.

What's a republican supposed to look like?

Oh, I don't mean that. I just thought that,

Eleanor Roosevelt turned all
youse people into democrats.

Well, not me,

because the elephant always seemed
bigger and smarter than jackass.

Right now there are a lot of
elephants that feel like jackasses.

Shut up.


[blowing a raspberry]


You raised her.

Little Emily post over here.

Well, let me tell you something.

You and that meatheaded husband of yours

that elected all them
democrats that just got in,

they better not get in the way
of president Gerald t. Ford's

big plans for whippin' this here inflation.

Oh, what big plans? Making
us all wear win buttons?

What the hell's the matter with that?

I think it's a great idea.

Come on, arch, nobody's gonna wear them.

That's one of the biggest
nobody-gives-a-damns of all time.

Well, I give a damn

and I'm gonna wear one 'cause I wanna win!

You better buy your
button today, arch. Why?

The price of them goes up next week.

I think Mr. Jefferson just wants us

to sign his petition.

Oh, are you a registered republican, Edith?

No, she's a registered dingbat.

I'm the only republican in this house.

Ah, let me look this thing over.
See what we got here.

It ain't a I.O.U. Just
go ahead and sign it.

Oh. Hold it, hold it, Jefferson.

I don't go around signing
political documentaries,

just like that, you know.

I mean, even Abe Lincoln,
as smart as he was,

he read the declaration of independence

before he put his John hancock on it.

Archie, are you sure

Abraham Lincoln signed the
declaration of independence?

Sure, 4 score and 7 years ago.

Look, you can sign right here.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Let
me read the thing, will you?

So that's why you were springing for
all them beers in kelcy's there, huh?

I figured you was up to something.

Yeah, I also figured could do a lot
for the people in this district.

Which people are you talkin' about?

Look, I know what you're thinking, bunker,

but I'm talking about all the people:

Blacks, browns, yellows, and whites.

How come you put the whites last?

Look, I just wanna help the community.

[Telephone ringing]

Edith, the phone.

Well, if you wanna help the community,

you could bring the prices
down in your store there.

I mean, $12 to fix that
hole, that's a disgrace.

Yeah, Louise, he's here.

(Edith) Oh.

Louise wants to know what
happened to her chocolate cake.

Oh, the cake, huh?

Tell Louise that George is over here

trying to buy votes with it.

Yeah, I'll tell him, Louise.


Louise wants to see you
back home, right away.

Imagine that.

Only one day in politics

and already he's stealin' and bribin'.

And now he expects me to sign
this here petition of his.

Look, I hear you loud and clear,
bunker, and I don't need you anyway.

You ain't the only honky on the beach.

Can you beat that?

A guy comes waltzing in here

with a petition, wants me to sign the thing

without even readin' it.

Now, I mean, he takes the cake.

Hi, weezy.

Well, I seen happier faces at a funeral,

including on the deceased.

I've been ringing doorbells for 2 hours.

You know how many signatures I got? One.

Well, that's better than nothin'.

Who signed? Me.

Everybody asks the same question:

"How come your neighbor,
Archie bunker, didn't sign?"

Well, if Archie's signature
is so important,

maybe you ought to tell him the truth.

I ain't goin' over there beggin' him.
I got my pride.

You also got a blank petition.

Now you better get over
there and work on Archie,

even if it kills you
. It just might do that.

But we've already suffered for 300 years,

I guess a few more minutes won't hurt.

(Archie) I don't want to
talk about it no more.

I told you that a million times.
Just leave me alone.

Arch, tell me the real reason

you wouldn't sign Jefferson's petition.

'Cause he didn't want to give me
time to read it. Oh, come on,

that's not it. The thing is 5 lines long.

The real reason is because
he's black, right?

Well, if you knew the real reason,
why the hell did you ask me?

Daddy, 1 out of 8 Americans is black.

It's only fair they be represented, too.

What does that mean? If
I got an 8-room house,

I got to keep a colored
guy in one of the rooms?

I knew you'd say something
stupid like that.

Well, then, you wasn't disappointed.

You know, I've been thinkin'.

George Jefferson would be
very good in politics.

Take his name.

George is the first name

of a famous president,

and Jefferson is the last
name of a famous president,

put them all together,

and you got-- and you get
a colored pants-presser.

Get me a beer, will ya?

All right.

The man wants to serve the community.

W-why won't you at least give him a chance?

I got nothing against the
coloreds servin' the community.

I don't want 'em to run the community.

Daddy, Los Angeles has a black mayor.

Yeah, that's right and it was the
white voters that put him in.

Well, maybe they was tired of
havin' their city burned down.

You know somethin', arch,

if stupid remarks were an olympic event,

you'd be a gold medal winner.

At least I'd bring the medal back to the u.
S. Of a. Get away.

Edith, what are you doing in there, huh?

Arch, you have to have racial
balance in government.

Get away from me, will you?

Look at this. Coming through.

You know what you nearly done?

You nearly mashed me with
the swinging kitchen door.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Where's my beer?

Oh, in the refrigerator. Refrigerator.

I'm gonna get it. I'll get it myself.

Arch, racial balance is
important in everything.

Take education.

Why do you think it's so tough for a
black student to become a doctor?

Because nobody wants to see a black
guy comin' at him with a knife.

You just won another gold medal.

Ah, get away.

Coming through.

You see what you nearly
almost done again there?

Mashed me in that swinging door. Oh.

You're supposed to yell "coming through,"

when you're still on your side of the door

not when you're already
on my side of the door.

[Doorbell ringing] (Mike) I'll get it.

Leave the door alone. I hate
when people come into the house

and the first thing they see is you.

Come in, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, well, well, well, well,
if it ain't Jefferson.

(Mike) Hi, Mr. Jefferson.

What are you hustlin' this time?

Well, bunker, I just
came over to apologize.

I, uh, maybe I lost my head the
last time I was over here.

Well, if we see it rolling around,

I'll send it back with Edith.

Mr. Jefferson, what are you apologizing for?
You didn't do anything.

No, I was wrong, and when I'm
wrong, I'm the first to admit it.

When I asked you to sign the petition,

I should have told you my real reason

for wanting to get on the committee.

Ooh, gee. When a politician
stoops to honesty.

Wow. That's something. Ok, Jefferson.
Talk on.

[George sighing]

Well, you know that store

next to my shop on the corner?

Yeah, I know the store.

Well, I wanna buy it,

bust out the sides,

and expand my business.

Oh, you don't need a petition.
You need a bulldozer.

But first,

I gotta have the zoning law changed.

Oh, oh, oh!

I get it. So that's why you want to get on

the republican county committee.

That's right.

I figure a nice, big cleaning plant

would beautify that corner. You know,
get rid of that ugly flower shop.

(Archie) Yeah.

Never stops, never stops.

Everybody's out for number one.

What's wrong with that, meathead?

That's the American way.

Government of the people, by the people,
and for the pursuit of happiness.

And I ain't signing that damn petition

till I find out what's in it
for this here number one.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Certainly, it is.

If I wash his hands,

then he can use them hands

to fix the hole in my pants.

For nothing, right, Jefferson?

Done. Wait a minute.

That's only the "a" part of the deal.

The "b" part of the deal

is that the bunker family, from now on,

gets a 25 percent discount
on all their dry cleanin'.

10. 20.

15. Deal.

? 2 for tea

? and tea for 2

? you for me

? and me for you

you are screwin' up the words to that.

? Can't you see, I'm happy

don't go on with it, will you?

You'll be singing and the neighbors'll
think I'm killin' you in here.

[Doorbell ringing]

That could be the worried neighbors now.

Hey, arch, Mr. Jefferson wants to see you.

Yeah, yeah. Dinner, dinner, dinner.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look at this.

The boss is deliverin'
the cleanin' in person.

That's something new.

Yeah, I figured I'd
deliver that personally.

Here's your bill. That's
$4.75 for the cleaning.

That's the regular price, Jefferson.

And look at this here. You
didn't fix the hole in that.

We had a deal. What happened?

Your signature bounced.
That's what happened.

How could a signature bounce?

Because you're not a registered republican.

You're not a registered anything.

When's the last time you voted, bunker?

It's against the law for
you to ask me that.

Well, anyway, thanks for
your phony signature.

With it, we were able to obtain 25 more,

which is more than we needed.

Well, so I done you some good.

So what about the family discount?

That's only for registered Republicans.

Listen to this.

Yeah, pop, mom says dinner's ready.

Ok, son.

Oh, listen, Mr. bunker, I want to
thank you for signing that petition.

You're gonna get a good man
representing the neighborhood.

Oh, Lionel, I got news for you.

The only thing your old man
is gonna represent good

is his own personal cash register.

Come on, let's go.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, don't tell me you don't
know the real reason

that he wants to get on that
republican county committee?

Come on, dinner's waiting.

Well, he wants to do some good for the neighborhood.
What's wrong with that?

I think the kid really believes that.

Hey, meathead, we need your help over here.

Come on over here.

You're Lionel's friend. Tell him the truth.
Let him down easy.

Yeah, well,

uh, Lionel, I,

I hate to say this, but

the only reason your father
wants to get on that committee

is so he can change the zoning law

and break through the flower
shop and expand his store.

Come on, Lionel, we don't want
to keep your mother waiting.

Well, not completely 'cause,
even if he does get elected,

he can't change the zoning law.
Not for the flower shop.

Why not?

Well, see he's running in the 32nd district

and the flower shop's in the 33rd.

Is that a fact, Lionel?


Gee, that's an awful kick
in the head, Jefferson.

Well, how could that be
if it's right next door?

Well, see it's right on the boundary line.

That's why the florist
couldn't sign the petition.

Who the hell drew a boundary
line around my store?

What are they trying to
do, segregate us again?

Oh, so you didn't know, right?

No, I didn't know. If I had known,

I wouldn't wasting all my friendliness
on him and his old, ugly friends.

Oh, so, then this whole thing was
just to make a buck, right, pop?

Don't take it too hard, Lionel. After all,

he deeply disappointed me, too.

What's wrong with makin' a buck?

Nothing, but this is me, pop.

And why you gotta hide it from me, man?

You know, I was all proud
you goin' into politics,

but I never thought you'd
wind up to be a politician.

Look, I did it for you.

When I die, you're the one that's
gonna inherit the business.

Unless you die first.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about our deal?

We shook hands. Ain't
your handshake no good?

Sure. It's just as good as your signature.

That's a very crooked guy
just walked out of here.

Oh, look who's callin' the kettle black.

Oh, cut that stuff out.

I wasn't making no references

to race or color or breed.

I'd call him crooked if
he was as white as you.

Yeah, right.

(Edith) Comin' through.

What the hell?

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.