All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Longest Kiss - full transcript

The family is relieved to learn that Archie is safe and sound - he had been sidetracked at a podiatrist's convention. But Archie's reaction is priceless when he arrives home to find plenty of wackiness going on - hula hoops, ballroom dancing, and Mike trying to make good on Gloria's dare that they hold a kiss for hours and hours.

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?

? those were

? the days

? don't sit under the apple tree ?

? with anyone else but me

[giggles] Boom-boom.

? Anyone else but me



? Anyone else but me

police still haven't found Archie.

Why, Gloria, I'm so glad you're back!

Ooh, I'd been going crazy
waiting to tell you!

Tell us what, ma? You heard from Archie!

Oh, I wanted to tell you.

Well, go ahead, ma, tell us.

I heard from Archie!

[Mike exclaiming]

That's terrific, ma!

I'm so happy. He's all right?

Oh, yeah, he's fine, Mike, just fine.

Oh! Well, ma, where is he?

Is he comin' home? What'd he say?

Oh, wait a minute now, let me see.
1: Where is he?

He's at the airport.

2: He's on his way home now.

3... what was your 3rd question?

What did he say? Oh!

He said, "hi, Edith,

guess who this is."

And I did.

Oh, boy, I'm glad he's safe.

But why didn't he get to his
lodge convention in buffalo?

Because on the airplane

he sat next to a mormon.


A mormon?

Yeah, he missed the bus, so
he had to take an airplane.

And you can only have 2 drinks on a plane.

But Archie had 4 on account of the mormon.

Mormons don't drink, you see.

Mormons don't drink. I know--

I know mormons don't drink. Ma! Ma!

What has that got to do with anything?

Well, this mormon liked to
collect the little bottles.

So Archie emptied 'em for him.

And that's how Archie got to
the foot doctors' convention.

Foot doctor?


Oh, I get it! You mean he
went to the wrong hotel.

Oh, no, it was the right hotel,

but the wrong city.

You see, the foot doctors'
holiday inn was in Rochester.

But Archie didn't realize
it until he saw the big toe

hangin' in the lobby.

This is like the twilight zone.


Ma, you mean he never even got to buffalo?

Oh, well, Archie was all
set to leave for buffalo,

but some of the doctors invited
him to have a couple of drinks.

And while they was drinkin',

Archie got elected to a committee.

Who'd they think he was? Dr. scholl?

No, Dr. bunker!

He was put on the steering committee.

And then the steering
committee all got into a car

and they steered the wrong
way up a one-way street.

And that's how they landed in jail.


Archie was in jail?

Yeah, but only for a little while.

'Cause Archie says that
policemen are nicer to doctors

than they are to misters.

Oh, my, I can't wait to see Archie.

Ah, me, too. I really missed daddy.

You know, so did I.

Aw, Mike, that's nice.

Yeah, it was strange not being
called "meathead" for 2 whole days.

Oh, well, here, then let me help you out.

[Imitating archie] Hey, it's
way past lunch time, meathead,

what's your fat face doing
out of the refrigerator?

That's terrific, Gloria. You know,
you got Archie down to a tee.

Get them dirty hands off my
little girl, you commie pinko.

You know you're almost
starting to grate on me?

Hey, why don't you get a
haircut, you hippie prevert!

You're starting to grate on me.

Uh, did you ever think of
gettin' a job, you lazy slob?

That's it, Gloria, that's it.
You over-grated.

Oh, my, it's so nice

hearing those names again.

Look at me, I'm all goose pimply.

Oh, ma, I don't know what I'm
gonna do till daddy gets home.

Hey, I know what we could do.

Why don't we go to the Brooklyn museum?

No, Michael, I wanna be
here when daddy gets home.

Why? Because he's my father.

An accident of birth.

Oh, no, my Gloria was born

11 months after we was married.

Well, you know, we've been cooped
up in this house for 2 days

and now that we know where
Archie is, and he's all right,

I'd--I'd like to do something.

I know what we could do. It'll be fun.

I'll be right back.

Michael, if you wanna go to the
museum, it's all right with me.

I'll think of some excuse to tell daddy

about why you weren't here to
greet him when he gets home.

Gloria, the man is not
returning from the moon.

He's coming home from a 2-day drunk.

All right. But I just wanna see
him walk through that door

safe and sound.

You'll have to settle for safe.

Gloria, look!

Your old hula hoop.

(Gloria) Oh, mother!

(Michael) Oh, Gloria.


Now you do it.

I haven't done it in such a long time.
Look out.



This is a real thrill. I'm
walking to the museum.

Have fun! I will.

Oh, Mike! Please, stay!

Archie will be here soon

and it'd be so nice to
have the whole family here

to welcome him.

All right, ma, I'll stay. Aw!

What are we gonna do? I don't
wanna do the hula hoop.

I know what we could do. We could eat.

That's a good idea.

I'll get the lunch on as
soon as the coffee is ready.

Uh, no coffee for me, ma.
I'll just have water.

All right.

'Course, I would have preferred
to have some royal crown cola,

if my wife had remembered to get some.

I did get some, Michael,
it's in the refrigerator.

Wait, I looked in the refrigerator.

All I saw there was coke an diet Pepsi.

Did you ever think of looking
in the refrigerator door?

We don't keep soft drinks in
the refrigerator door, Gloria.

Why would you want to put my
cola in the refrigerator door?

Because I'm an evil person!

Gloria, that's not funny!

I wanted to have a drink of
royal crown cola before,

but I didn't know where to look for it

and I wound up having nothing.

My heart bleeds for you.

This is serious, Gloria. This is serious!

Do not, I repeat, do not play hide
and seek with my royal crown cola!

Oh, Michael, what's the difference?

Gloria, there's a big difference.

You like diet Pepsi, ma likes coke,

well, I like royal crown cola.

Well, I don't believe you
even know the difference

between your cola and any other cola.

You don't think I know the difference, huh?

You don't think I know the difference?

Well, let me tell you something, Gloria.
I know the difference.

I've been drinking colas all my life.

Yeah, and all the bubbles
went to your head.


Come and get it!


I'm not eatin'.

Oh, Mike, it's lima beans italienne.

Oh, Irene brought it over.

I'm not eatin', ma.

Oh, it looks so good, and smell it.



Serve it up.

No, ma, you know I can't have lima beans.

You know what happens to
me when I have lima beans.

Oh, no, no, not this again.

Well, it's true. When I eat lima beans,

my eyes water up and I
get hives all over me,

and my neck swells up like a cantaloupe.

I've told you that.

Aw, bull, Gloria, I never saw that happen.

You sound like you wanna see it happen.

Why not?

We're not going to the museum.

Eat a lima bean, let me
watch your neck swell up.

If you don't believe I'm
allergic, you ask ma. Ma?

You remember that time we
went to that restaurant

and I ate all those lima beans?

You remember how I broke
out in hives all over

and my eyes started to water--

and your neck swelled up like a cantaloupe?

That's right.

No, I don't remember.

[Whining] Ma!

Well, you told me about it, Gloria,

but I must have been in the
ladies' room when it happened.

Yeah, I knew it.

Are you calling me a liar? Is
that what you're calling me?

I'm not calling you a liar, Gloria. I
just don't believe you, that's all.

Well, I don't believe that
you can tell the difference

between royal crown cola

and any other kind of cola.

Would you like me to prove it to you?

You bring 3 glasses of
cola out here, Gloria,

and if I can tell which one
is the royal crown cola,

you got to eat a lima bean.

Is that a bet?


But if you can't tell the difference,

when daddy comes home, you have to throw
your arms around him and kiss him!


Wait--wait--wait a second. That's not fair.

All you could get is hives.
I could get killed.

Is it a deal?

It's a deal. Ok, I'll get the cola.

Go ahead.

Oh, my, Archie's gonna be so surprised,

he ain't never been kissed by you before.

He's not gonna be kissed by me now,
ma, 'cause I'm not gonna lose.

Do you ever hear of anybody
who couldn't eat lima beans?

No. But I had an Uncle

who couldn't eat corn on a cob.

You mean he broke out?

No, he didn't have no teeth.


Mike, maybe you shouldn't
make her eat lima beans

if she's allergic to 'em.

It's all in her mind, ma.


Ok, Mr. connoisseur,

let's see if you can
show us which is which.

Would you close your eyes and
turn around for a second?



Ok, Michael.

Go ahead. Stand back. Give me room.



Coke, Pepsi, royal crown cola.

He did it!

That was just a lucky guess!

No, Gloria, that is cola know-how.

You lost. Pay up, my dear.

Michael, you wouldn't
really want me to eat that.

Gloria, you said before,

when you ate a whole bunch of these,
your neck swelled up like a cantaloupe.

What could one little lima bean do?

It's the first one, and then, boom!


Does it take a while, or
does it happen right away?

Right away.

Ooh, I gotta see that.

Come on, let's go. One
little bean, here we go.


Ok, but you're gonna see
what happens to me.

And when you see what happens to me,

it's gonna be all your fault, Michael,

and you're gonna be the one that's
gonna have to live with it.


Oh, it's starting to happen to me!

What's happening?

I feel the hives on me! Hives?
Where? Show me.

All over! They're all over
my legs, and my arms!

Show me one hive!

My neck!

What? Is it like a cantaloupe?

No, it's more like a watermelon!

Oh, a watermelon. I gotta see
a watermelon. Let me see.

I can't breath! Take your hands away,

I can't see nothing.

You wanna see? Take your hands away.

Ok, I'll show you. Go ahead.

There! There. What?


I don't see a watermelon.

Not even an orange?

How 'bout, not even a raisin.

Come on, ma, let's eat.

Well, it'll probably be a delayed reaction.

Oh, Gloria, you're not
allergic to lima beans.

You calling me a liar again?

No, no, Gloria. I'm just telling
you it's all in your mind.

Well, ok, Mr. stivic.

We'll just see who's the one that's lying
around here. That's what we'll see.

What are you doing?

Well, if I can find it,
you'll see what I'm doing.

What? What is it?

Here it is. I knew I put it here.

Now we're gonna see who's the liar.

You're the one that's the liar.


Liar, liar, pants on fire. You're
hanging from a telephone wire.

(Michael) Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm rubber, you're glue.

Everything you say, bounces
off me and sticks to you.

Turn him in, turn him out,
turn him into Sauerkraut.

Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but names will never hurt me.

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.

You're a liar!

Sticks and stones! Sticks and stones!

[All yelling]

Look! Look!

You're calling me a liar, huh?

What is that thing, anyway?

This just happens to be a
love letter you once wrote me

and it's so full of lies, you
could run for office with it.

Come on, Gloria, anything I
ever wrote to you is the truth.

Oh, yeah?

Well, this little gem
will prove you different.

You happen to have written this about
3 months before we were married.

Listen to this, ma.

"Dear, Gloria,

"my heart is a prisoner
and you have the key.

I'll serve a life sentence,
if you'll marry me."

True. All true.

"From the very first night,
I started to woo ya,

it's been, Gloria, Gloria, hallelujah."

Oh, Mike, that's beautiful.

Thank you very much, ma.

So, where did I lie?


"When we kissed last night, I
wanted it to go on and on."


"My darling, if they
stuck a needle in my arm

and fed me intravenously, I
could kiss you forever."


What do you mean "bull"? I
meant every word of that.

Well, I haven't seen any proof of it.

Kiss me forever. Ha!

Gloria, haven't you ever
heard of poetic license?

This kinda poetry doesn't
deserve a license.

Well, what do you expect me to do?
Hold the kiss forever?

Yes. Yes, that's what I want.

I want you to kiss me forever.

Oh, come on, you're being ridiculous.

Oh, all right. Then why don't you
just kiss me till daddy comes home.

That could be an hour
. Nobody kisses for an hour.

Oh, I saw on T.V. the other day.

A couple kissed for a 106 hours.
They set a record.


I'm not interested in setting
any records, all right?

No, you're just interested in being
a liar, that's all. Listen to this.

"My darling, if they stuck a needle in
my arm and fed me intravenously..."

All right, all right, Gloria!

You want me to kiss you for an
hour, I'll kiss you for an hour.

But I'm gonna tell you right now, Gloria,

I'm not going to enjoy it.

Neither am I.

Good. Let's go.

Oh, just a minute, I'll be right back.

Look at this. She challenges
me to a kiss for an hour

and she can't even hold it
past the first 30 seconds.


Mike, you ain't really
mad at Gloria, are you?

I don't like her calling me a liar, ma.

Oh, she didn't mean it.

You'll feel a lot better
once you start kissing.

I remember a poem I used
to know in high school.

"Never a lip is curved with pain

that can't be kissed into smiles a-gain."

They say "a-gain."

Because it's really "again," but it's
"a-gain" so it'll rhyme with "pain."

[Toilet flushing]

(Gloria) Michael!


Thanks a lot.

What did I do now?

See? That's just the problem. You
don't even know what you did.

Time and time again. What did I do?

Will you just start kissing me?

Oh, excuse me.

Will you please tell me what I did?

You left the seat up again.

I'm sorry.

That's what you always say, "I'm sorry."

Oh, Gloria. The seat's up, the
seat's down, what's the difference?

When you're a girl,
there's a big difference.

I don't know why you can never
remember to put the seat down,

other husbands do.

Oh, Archie don't. He says
that's woman's work.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, I'll get it.

Don't stop.


Hi, Edith. You want some company?

Yeah. Who's coming?


Oh, well come on in, Irene.

I brought you a bottle of wine to
celebrate the return of Archie bunker.

Oh, thanks, Irene. Oh,
I'll get the glasses.

(Both) Hi, Irene.


Uh, hi.

Edith, am I interrupting something?

Oh, no. Gloria and Mike are just trying
to hold a kiss till Archie gets here.

Well, it's easier than swallowing goldfish.

Michael, you taste like lima beans.

See, you're not allergic.

Ow! You bit me!


Here you are, Irene.

Why don't you sit down? They won't mind.

Frankly, Edith, I've never thought
of kissing as a spectator sport.

That's right. It's more a do-it-yourself.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, could that be Archie, so soon?

Well if it is,

? the party's over

Louise. Hi, Edith.

Big emergency. I need some bread.

George has been drinking beer all day.

And I want to put a sandwich
in him before he gets smashed.

Oh, well, come on in the kitchen.

Gloria, my leg has fallen asleep.


Uh, hi, Irene.

Not yet.

How much do you want, Louise?

Oh, just a couple of slices will do.

Oh, Irene and me are celebrating.
Would you like some wine?

Oh, no, thank you. I don't have any time.

Uh, by the way, before I go
through that room again,

is there anything you want to
tell me about Mike and Gloria.

Oh, yeah, they're fighting.


Irene, those, uh, lima beans
you sent over today, terrific.

Gee, thanks.

But I've never seen them
have this effect before.

[Doorbell ringing]

Don't bother, I'll get it.

Oh, hello, George.

Hi, Irene. Louise here?

She's in the kitchen with Edith.


Hi, George.

We are out of beer.

George, when you come
into a neighbor's house,

it's polite to say "hello."

Hello. And we're still out of beer.

Then have some wine.

Well, hello, neighbor.

George, wine and beer,
that's a bad combination.

So are we, but we worked it out.

Oh, come on Louise, have some wine.

You know, I'd like to make a little toast.

No, no, no, no bread for me.
I'll stick to the wine.

I meant a toast to Archie.

To his good health and safe return.

I'll drink to that.

Now I know he's smashed.

Yeah, Louise, you're even beginning
to look good to me again.

I do? More wine. More wine.

Oh, my, ain't this fun?

This morning started so gloomy,
and I was missing Archie,

and now he's coming home
and we're having a party.


When is Archie going to get home?

Who cares?


? Who cares if the sky

? starts to fall into the sea ?

[All laughing]

Edith, I think you have had enough.

Oh, no.

You can't fly on one leg.

You know, I've been trying
to do this all day.

Now I'm gonna to really do it. Watch.



Oh, my, I feel so Hawaiian.

What this party needs is some music.

?[Music playing]

Come on, baby. Let's see
if you still got it.

Oh, I got it. Come and get it.

Oh, well, what the hay, if
it's this kind of a party,

I might as well join the fun. Bottoms up.

(Edith) Oh, look at Irene.

Oh, Jesus.

I knew you wouldn't know
what to do without me,

but I never thought you would go nuts.


[All shouting]

(Male narrator) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.