All Grown Up! (2003–2008): Season 1, Episode 14 - Interview with a Campfire: Part 1 - full transcript
GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!
( rock music playing )
♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪
♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪
♪ But I still go to school ♪
♪ To get an education ♪
♪ I treat each and every day ♪
♪ Like a mini vacation ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I want the world to know ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ All grown up with... ♪
♪ you. ♪
( rope creaking )
( ringing )
Hello?
MAN ( on phone ):
Are you the lady
of the house?
Yeah, sort of, why?
Are you happy with your
long-distance service?
Yes, and I'm hanging up now.
What's the hurry... Lil?
( gasps )
( exclaims )
( chuckles )
Scared of a little popcorn, eh?
Is this Phil?
Phil's at the baseball game,
remember?
Tell me who you are
or I'm hanging up!
Did you know
that you can save $40 a month
with our nights
and weekends plan?
( gasps )
Listen, freak...
Are you sure
you locked all the doors?
Even the doggie door?!
( screaming )
( laughs )
( sighs )
Lame, party of one,
your table's ready.
This horror movie thing
is a bust.
I promise not to laugh
next time, Tommy.
There'll be no next time.
I'm all out of summer.
ANGELICA:
Don't rush it, Pickles!
Summer ain't over
till the fat lady sings--
and gets the lead
in the camp musical.
"Phat" with a P-H, that is.
I see your ego is fat
with a capital "F."
Going to summer school
for summer school.
I got to cram three months
of fun into one week.
I refuse to come
home until I find
at least one thing
I'm good at.
But don't quote me on that.
I'm banking on a run-in
with Bigfoot--
not serious quality time,
just a brief visual in the woods
will do.
I plan on reshooting my movie.
If nothing else,
at least the camp location
will be creepy, right?
It's Mrs. Deville's wild ride!
Betty, please,
keep the bouncing to a minimum.
I just had kidney surgery.
I didn't know her kidneys
were in her face.
Oh, Stu... she had
some freshening up,
and she doesn't want
the whole world to know.
If her skin was
pulled any tighter,
she'd have eyes
on the side of her head.
Randy!
( both laughing )
Well, this is it, folks.
Welcome to Camp Everwood!
I'm Chance,
your camp supervisor,
musical director
and playwright.
Ellie here runs
the bait, tackle
and doughnut shop.
Store's open from 7:00 to 6:00
weekdays...
and I specialize
in granite arrowheads--
to keep ghosts away--
'cause Camp Everwood
is haunted.
Curs-ed, even.
"Cursed"?
No, "curs-ed."
Bit of a whack-job, she.
And that tall drink
of creek water is Bean.
Okay, nature lovers,
let's get you all settled in
so we can get this show
on the road!
This is where
you'll be performing
my original musical,
Westward No!
I don't want to spoil
the surprise,
but I cannot help it.
My uncle's cousin's friend,
who walks dogs
for a casting director,
is coming to the show!
Today, Camp Everwood,
tomorrow...
off-off-Broadway!
ALL:
Off-off-Broadway!
( camera whirring )
Ooh, call me crazy,
but I'd swear
this place is air-conditioned.
It means ghosts are around.
Coming from the man
who communicates with aliens
through his Alpha-Bits cereal.
Come on!
Get a move on! Let's go!
What's the rush?
We've got a
whole week.
Historically speaking,
Not a lot of time
for a Finster
to find his talent.
Took my dad 17
years to realize
he could whistle
in three octaves.
He wasted his childhood
not knowing he had a gift.
That is not going
to happen to me.
Hey, where'd mine go?
I guess I can cross
archery off my list.
( bees buzzing )
Run!
( yelling )
( screams )
Add it to my bill,
Dr. Carmichael.
( Phil screams )
No, Mom, leave it on.
You want to walk around
with a snapping turtle
on your toe?
I don't want to miss out.
Pain is a part
of the camp experience.
( groans in pain )
Yeah, so is poison ivy,
but I don't go rubbing it
on my tush for the adventure.
CHUCKIE:
Whoa!
I got it!
( concertina squeaking )
Another thing
to cross off my list.
( hawk calling )
( both groaning )
Hiking bites.
You said it.
You girls want to rest?
No way!
I could go
for miles!
( grunting )
Whoa, there he is!
Sure,
we fell for it twice,
but if you seriously think
we're going to look again,
you're whack.
( sighs )
( groans )
Oh, dear,
I think we lost Lucy
on that last hill.
LUCY:
Wait till you see the view!
Breathtaking.
( women groan )
( engine rumbling )
You can do it, honey!
( yells )
What's the maximum
number of tries?
I think we settled on 46.
KIMI:
Come on, Chuckie,
it's just a rope swing.
To you, maybe.
To me,
it's a lethal weapon.
Plus, I hate climbing
and I'm afraid of hei...!
( screams )
( relieved sigh )
( screaming )
Look, son,
we're a human pyramid!
Whoa, watch out!
It's the
Loch Ness monster!
( both scream )
You got my back
on this one, right, Bean?
CHANCE:
Auditions are tomorrow.
And I expect you all there...
except the Ferguson boys.
( belching )
Chance,
who's the lead character?
Eliza Lockhart.
That's who
I'll be playing.
You wish!
You wish!
That part is mine, sisters!
Bye, Shelly--
it's been real...
painful.
Dumped for a s'more.
I guess love is fickle.
According to the play,
the Everwood settlers
were migrating west
in the late 1800s
when they stopped
here to camp.
But one night, three of them
mysteriously disappeared.
And the rest of them
refused to move on
until they found their friends.
So they set up permanent
camp at Pioneer Rock--
a massive rock shaped
like a man's head
whose eyes glow
when there's a full moon.
The coolest part is
when their horse-covered wagon
finally showed up,
there was no one inside.
And did anyone ever find
the missing settlers?
CHANCE:
No, no, no.
But, in Westward No!,
the missing folks
discover a hot springs,
open up the first saloon/day spa
and live wealthily ever after--
my own personal spin.
But not the real story.
Legend has it
three of the pioneers went off
to find food and supplies.
Weeks later, there was still
no sign of the missing three.
( coughing )
Maybe we
should move on.
I, Eliza Lockhart,
am not going anywhere
until our kinfolk are found.
( horse whinnying )
There's no one there!
BEAN:
Soon they ran out of food,
went mad and perished
on this very soil.
Every full moon--
we call it
the "Zombie Moon"--
their spirits are said
to haunt the grounds,
sucking out the brains
of innocent campers,
who disappear, only
to return as zombies
destined to spend eternity
looking for
the missing settlers.
( woman screams )
( gasps )
( owl hoots )
( woman screams )
TOMMY:
The screams came
from in there.
( all gasp )
Well, apparently the "hot"
nozzle is just for show.
BOY:
We didn't get parts.
You didn't audition.
Oh, yeah.
Bad news:
I got the worst part of all--
the back end of the horse!
Congratulations,
Angelica.
I knew I'd get the lead!
( laughing merrily )
She was like...
the opposite of good.
Consider the source.
The same guy
who wrote this play
is the one
who cast her.
Yeah, but Susie
was wicked awesome,
and she should
have been the lead.
Thanks,
but I'm cool with it.
Hey... I'm the deacon.
And, Lucy, you're...
painting sets?
What can I say?
I'm tone-deaf.
Oh, come on, Doc,
you can't excel
at everything.
We've been traveling
for 119 days.
I say we set up
camp for the night.
The physician/barber
has a point.
I agree with the
candy butcher.
( coughing )
CHANCE:
Oh... three days of rehearsal
and this is
all you've got?
Remember, Kira,
you are consumptive.
So put a little feeling
in them coughs.
Charlotte,
what is with the rewrites
on the town idiot speech?!
I upgraded her
to the town idiot savant.
Maybe, if you cast me
in the proper role,
it'd be easier for me
to say the lines.
Sorry I got the part
you wanted, Charlotte.
But if I do say so myself,
I was born to
play Saddle Annie.
Moving on!
Settlers who go missing,
stage right,
please...
How can you
say that, Eliza?
Stay here?!
In the middle of nowhere?!
We'll be risking
the lives of our children!
I, Eliza Lockhart, am only
concerned for my fellow man
and my fellow horse.
It's your line, horse.
They...
( gasping )
( groaning )
TOMMY:
Cut!
DIL:
T, you asleep?
Me awake.
And Chance busted you
for bailing on rehearsal.
He's going to make you
scrape gum
off the theater seats.
He calls that a punishment?
Camp is sweet!
If I didn't know you better,
I'd swear you grew up
next to a power plant.
That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Listen, T, you got
to start rolling tape.
There's something really
weird about this camp,
and it's not just this
freezer-like cabin
or the fact that
Bigfoot and friends
are always
hanging around.
My gut tells me
the crazy old lady is right--
Camp Everwood is haunted.
The only scary thing
about this place
is that tomorrow night
we'll be performing
the worst musical
ever written
in front of
a live audience.
It pains me, T--
so young, so cynical.
( wind whistling )
( horse whinnies )
Did you guys hear that?
Dil, you awake?
( crickets chirping )
Hello?
( horse whinnies )
( screams )
TOMMY:
It was the creepiest thing
I've ever seen,
and it proves
Camp Everwood is haunted.
Welcome
to the dark side, bro.
Anyway,
there's a Zombie Moon tonight
and if I can find this rock,
it's the textbook solid setting
for my movie.
But what if the legend is true?
We could be risking our lives.
Chuckie, you'll be
my assistant director.
You sure about that?
Odds are
I'll be bad at it.
You're the only man
for the job.
And the rest of you guys
cannot flake on me.
This is a stellar opportunity.
I couldn't write a better
horror movie if I tried.
If the curse
and brain-sucking pioneers
are part of
the camp package,
sign me up!
Is Bean going?
He's leading
the way.
I'm in.
Hello, we have dress rehearsal
today and a show tonight.
And three hours in between
with nothing to do.
I'm not traipsing
around the woods
before opening night--
that's unprofessional.
So's this show.
It's that kind
of attitude
that put you
in the horse suit, Deville.
But, Susie,
you should go.
Your part's so small,
it won't even be missed.
Mm-hmm.
I'd better hang back.
I'm the understudy,
and if one of them
kills the other one,
I have to go on.
( people chatting
as piano plays )
ELLIE:
Now, I done told you
everything I knowed
about them pioneers.
TOMMY:
Just one more question, Ellie.
What can you tell us
about Pioneer Rock?
During the Zombie Moon,
if that man-faced rock
gets you under its spell,
you got to turn 'round
'fore sunup
or you ain't never comin' back.
TOMMY:
Last question, Ellie.
Has anyone from Camp Everwood
ever disappeared?
Yup-- some of them louder kids
was hiking
and they saw that rock.
They was drawn to it.
It's the spirit's
headquarters.
When them kids finally
come back to camp,
they's all stupid-like,
like they don't never got
no brain or nothin'.
( continues playing piano )
Boy, pretty scary, huh?
The rock thing... yeah.
No, the triple-negative thing.
"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."
Not easy to pull off,
but fun to say.
ALL:
"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."
( blows whistle, music stops )
From the top of the show.
( piano music resumes )
What's eating you,
Smithy Spencer?
I've seen enough
of this small New England town.
I'm ready to go west.
How far west?
As west as I can go
without drowning.
( knock at door )
Who could that be a-knockin'?
I don't know.
All the townsfolk
are here.
Maybe it's a snake
oil salesman.
Or a bear.
Or a... ( coughs )
( knock at door )
( gasps )
It's winter!
( all gasp )
( begins playing jaunty music )
( clap twice )
♪ From late October
to February ♪
♪ This town is like a tomb ♪
♪ I've been keepin' company
with my washboard and my loom ♪
♪ Yee-haw! ♪
♪ Can't leave the house,
it's too darn cold ♪
♪ We never have a vis'tor ♪
♪ It's the saddest time of year
for every miss and mister ♪
♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin' ♪
ALL:
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
♪ Some say I'm in denial--
so sue me, that's no sin ♪
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
♪ You can knock all day ♪
♪ And knock all night ♪
Please pass the aspirin.
♪ Ha-ha! ♪
♪ I wish I had six fingers
on one hand ♪
♪ Like Anne Boleyn ♪
( piano hits sour chord )
ALL:
♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin' ♪
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
( music continues )
( sputtering )
( yelling )
( sobs )
Oh, my set!
That's our cue.
For what?
To make a run
for it.
( exhales with exasperation )
Amateurs...
Stu... do not set
foot on my stage
until you can do a
shuffle ball change!
Oh, and Howard?
You're fired.
I'm happy to be out
of this dog and pony show!
But just so you know, you'll
never be able to replace me!
Never!
You with the rake,
take Howard's place, will you?
( groans )
( hooting )
Lead the way, Brother Bean.
( all gasp )
Hmm...
Uh-oh.
Busted.
Uh, we were just looking for...
Save it. We know
what you're up to,
and we want in.
I'm giving up the theater
and moving on to films!
You are making a movie, right?
Sweet.
Anything to keep from practicing
my shuffle ball change.
I haven't had
a hot shower in days.
And if there's any truth
to this underground
hot springs rumor,
I'm going to find it.
Okay, settlers,
let's make this movie.
TOMMY:
This is awesome!
With everybody
in costume,
it looks like
the real thing.
Thank me, you solid guys,
and talk old,
old, old school.
Take heed the foliage,
town idiot.
( yells )
LIL:
How do we know
we're going the right way?
We shall useth
the light of the full mooneth
to guide us
through the wilderneth.
Well said,
Smithy Spencer.
( grunts )
I'm going to go ahead
and fire myself now.
Good call.
I wonder what people do
who aren't good at anything.
Chuckie, you're good
at lots of stuff.
Like what, for example?
What am I good at?
Does anybody have a clue?!
You're a good friend.
Yeah, well, that and
a quarter will get me
a super-size, sweet
and sour jawbreaker
with a bubble gum center!
It seems like we've been
down this path before.
Are we lost... eth?
Maybe we'd better
go backeth.
If we don't get out of
the woods by sunup,
we may never get out.
Did you guys feel that?
Something's pulling me--
like an invisible force.
We're getting close--
I can feel it, too.
( everyone yelling )
What's going on up there?
Dead end!
( gasps )
There's the rock!
CHARLOTTE:
It's amazing.
And creepy.
STU:
And as smooth
as Charlotte's new forehead.
Oh, you really
think so?
I've got to get to that rock.
But how?
There's got to be
another path.
If the pioneers got through,
so can we.
Hallelujah!
Brother Bean found the way.
Four, three, two, one!
( rock music playing )
♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪
♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪
♪ But I still go to school ♪
♪ To get an education ♪
♪ I treat each and every day ♪
♪ Like a mini vacation ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I want the world to know ♪
♪ All grown up! ♪
♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪
♪ All grown up ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ All grown up with... ♪
♪ you. ♪
( rope creaking )
( ringing )
Hello?
MAN ( on phone ):
Are you the lady
of the house?
Yeah, sort of, why?
Are you happy with your
long-distance service?
Yes, and I'm hanging up now.
What's the hurry... Lil?
( gasps )
( exclaims )
( chuckles )
Scared of a little popcorn, eh?
Is this Phil?
Phil's at the baseball game,
remember?
Tell me who you are
or I'm hanging up!
Did you know
that you can save $40 a month
with our nights
and weekends plan?
( gasps )
Listen, freak...
Are you sure
you locked all the doors?
Even the doggie door?!
( screaming )
( laughs )
( sighs )
Lame, party of one,
your table's ready.
This horror movie thing
is a bust.
I promise not to laugh
next time, Tommy.
There'll be no next time.
I'm all out of summer.
ANGELICA:
Don't rush it, Pickles!
Summer ain't over
till the fat lady sings--
and gets the lead
in the camp musical.
"Phat" with a P-H, that is.
I see your ego is fat
with a capital "F."
Going to summer school
for summer school.
I got to cram three months
of fun into one week.
I refuse to come
home until I find
at least one thing
I'm good at.
But don't quote me on that.
I'm banking on a run-in
with Bigfoot--
not serious quality time,
just a brief visual in the woods
will do.
I plan on reshooting my movie.
If nothing else,
at least the camp location
will be creepy, right?
It's Mrs. Deville's wild ride!
Betty, please,
keep the bouncing to a minimum.
I just had kidney surgery.
I didn't know her kidneys
were in her face.
Oh, Stu... she had
some freshening up,
and she doesn't want
the whole world to know.
If her skin was
pulled any tighter,
she'd have eyes
on the side of her head.
Randy!
( both laughing )
Well, this is it, folks.
Welcome to Camp Everwood!
I'm Chance,
your camp supervisor,
musical director
and playwright.
Ellie here runs
the bait, tackle
and doughnut shop.
Store's open from 7:00 to 6:00
weekdays...
and I specialize
in granite arrowheads--
to keep ghosts away--
'cause Camp Everwood
is haunted.
Curs-ed, even.
"Cursed"?
No, "curs-ed."
Bit of a whack-job, she.
And that tall drink
of creek water is Bean.
Okay, nature lovers,
let's get you all settled in
so we can get this show
on the road!
This is where
you'll be performing
my original musical,
Westward No!
I don't want to spoil
the surprise,
but I cannot help it.
My uncle's cousin's friend,
who walks dogs
for a casting director,
is coming to the show!
Today, Camp Everwood,
tomorrow...
off-off-Broadway!
ALL:
Off-off-Broadway!
( camera whirring )
Ooh, call me crazy,
but I'd swear
this place is air-conditioned.
It means ghosts are around.
Coming from the man
who communicates with aliens
through his Alpha-Bits cereal.
Come on!
Get a move on! Let's go!
What's the rush?
We've got a
whole week.
Historically speaking,
Not a lot of time
for a Finster
to find his talent.
Took my dad 17
years to realize
he could whistle
in three octaves.
He wasted his childhood
not knowing he had a gift.
That is not going
to happen to me.
Hey, where'd mine go?
I guess I can cross
archery off my list.
( bees buzzing )
Run!
( yelling )
( screams )
Add it to my bill,
Dr. Carmichael.
( Phil screams )
No, Mom, leave it on.
You want to walk around
with a snapping turtle
on your toe?
I don't want to miss out.
Pain is a part
of the camp experience.
( groans in pain )
Yeah, so is poison ivy,
but I don't go rubbing it
on my tush for the adventure.
CHUCKIE:
Whoa!
I got it!
( concertina squeaking )
Another thing
to cross off my list.
( hawk calling )
( both groaning )
Hiking bites.
You said it.
You girls want to rest?
No way!
I could go
for miles!
( grunting )
Whoa, there he is!
Sure,
we fell for it twice,
but if you seriously think
we're going to look again,
you're whack.
( sighs )
( groans )
Oh, dear,
I think we lost Lucy
on that last hill.
LUCY:
Wait till you see the view!
Breathtaking.
( women groan )
( engine rumbling )
You can do it, honey!
( yells )
What's the maximum
number of tries?
I think we settled on 46.
KIMI:
Come on, Chuckie,
it's just a rope swing.
To you, maybe.
To me,
it's a lethal weapon.
Plus, I hate climbing
and I'm afraid of hei...!
( screams )
( relieved sigh )
( screaming )
Look, son,
we're a human pyramid!
Whoa, watch out!
It's the
Loch Ness monster!
( both scream )
You got my back
on this one, right, Bean?
CHANCE:
Auditions are tomorrow.
And I expect you all there...
except the Ferguson boys.
( belching )
Chance,
who's the lead character?
Eliza Lockhart.
That's who
I'll be playing.
You wish!
You wish!
That part is mine, sisters!
Bye, Shelly--
it's been real...
painful.
Dumped for a s'more.
I guess love is fickle.
According to the play,
the Everwood settlers
were migrating west
in the late 1800s
when they stopped
here to camp.
But one night, three of them
mysteriously disappeared.
And the rest of them
refused to move on
until they found their friends.
So they set up permanent
camp at Pioneer Rock--
a massive rock shaped
like a man's head
whose eyes glow
when there's a full moon.
The coolest part is
when their horse-covered wagon
finally showed up,
there was no one inside.
And did anyone ever find
the missing settlers?
CHANCE:
No, no, no.
But, in Westward No!,
the missing folks
discover a hot springs,
open up the first saloon/day spa
and live wealthily ever after--
my own personal spin.
But not the real story.
Legend has it
three of the pioneers went off
to find food and supplies.
Weeks later, there was still
no sign of the missing three.
( coughing )
Maybe we
should move on.
I, Eliza Lockhart,
am not going anywhere
until our kinfolk are found.
( horse whinnying )
There's no one there!
BEAN:
Soon they ran out of food,
went mad and perished
on this very soil.
Every full moon--
we call it
the "Zombie Moon"--
their spirits are said
to haunt the grounds,
sucking out the brains
of innocent campers,
who disappear, only
to return as zombies
destined to spend eternity
looking for
the missing settlers.
( woman screams )
( gasps )
( owl hoots )
( woman screams )
TOMMY:
The screams came
from in there.
( all gasp )
Well, apparently the "hot"
nozzle is just for show.
BOY:
We didn't get parts.
You didn't audition.
Oh, yeah.
Bad news:
I got the worst part of all--
the back end of the horse!
Congratulations,
Angelica.
I knew I'd get the lead!
( laughing merrily )
She was like...
the opposite of good.
Consider the source.
The same guy
who wrote this play
is the one
who cast her.
Yeah, but Susie
was wicked awesome,
and she should
have been the lead.
Thanks,
but I'm cool with it.
Hey... I'm the deacon.
And, Lucy, you're...
painting sets?
What can I say?
I'm tone-deaf.
Oh, come on, Doc,
you can't excel
at everything.
We've been traveling
for 119 days.
I say we set up
camp for the night.
The physician/barber
has a point.
I agree with the
candy butcher.
( coughing )
CHANCE:
Oh... three days of rehearsal
and this is
all you've got?
Remember, Kira,
you are consumptive.
So put a little feeling
in them coughs.
Charlotte,
what is with the rewrites
on the town idiot speech?!
I upgraded her
to the town idiot savant.
Maybe, if you cast me
in the proper role,
it'd be easier for me
to say the lines.
Sorry I got the part
you wanted, Charlotte.
But if I do say so myself,
I was born to
play Saddle Annie.
Moving on!
Settlers who go missing,
stage right,
please...
How can you
say that, Eliza?
Stay here?!
In the middle of nowhere?!
We'll be risking
the lives of our children!
I, Eliza Lockhart, am only
concerned for my fellow man
and my fellow horse.
It's your line, horse.
They...
( gasping )
( groaning )
TOMMY:
Cut!
DIL:
T, you asleep?
Me awake.
And Chance busted you
for bailing on rehearsal.
He's going to make you
scrape gum
off the theater seats.
He calls that a punishment?
Camp is sweet!
If I didn't know you better,
I'd swear you grew up
next to a power plant.
That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Listen, T, you got
to start rolling tape.
There's something really
weird about this camp,
and it's not just this
freezer-like cabin
or the fact that
Bigfoot and friends
are always
hanging around.
My gut tells me
the crazy old lady is right--
Camp Everwood is haunted.
The only scary thing
about this place
is that tomorrow night
we'll be performing
the worst musical
ever written
in front of
a live audience.
It pains me, T--
so young, so cynical.
( wind whistling )
( horse whinnies )
Did you guys hear that?
Dil, you awake?
( crickets chirping )
Hello?
( horse whinnies )
( screams )
TOMMY:
It was the creepiest thing
I've ever seen,
and it proves
Camp Everwood is haunted.
Welcome
to the dark side, bro.
Anyway,
there's a Zombie Moon tonight
and if I can find this rock,
it's the textbook solid setting
for my movie.
But what if the legend is true?
We could be risking our lives.
Chuckie, you'll be
my assistant director.
You sure about that?
Odds are
I'll be bad at it.
You're the only man
for the job.
And the rest of you guys
cannot flake on me.
This is a stellar opportunity.
I couldn't write a better
horror movie if I tried.
If the curse
and brain-sucking pioneers
are part of
the camp package,
sign me up!
Is Bean going?
He's leading
the way.
I'm in.
Hello, we have dress rehearsal
today and a show tonight.
And three hours in between
with nothing to do.
I'm not traipsing
around the woods
before opening night--
that's unprofessional.
So's this show.
It's that kind
of attitude
that put you
in the horse suit, Deville.
But, Susie,
you should go.
Your part's so small,
it won't even be missed.
Mm-hmm.
I'd better hang back.
I'm the understudy,
and if one of them
kills the other one,
I have to go on.
( people chatting
as piano plays )
ELLIE:
Now, I done told you
everything I knowed
about them pioneers.
TOMMY:
Just one more question, Ellie.
What can you tell us
about Pioneer Rock?
During the Zombie Moon,
if that man-faced rock
gets you under its spell,
you got to turn 'round
'fore sunup
or you ain't never comin' back.
TOMMY:
Last question, Ellie.
Has anyone from Camp Everwood
ever disappeared?
Yup-- some of them louder kids
was hiking
and they saw that rock.
They was drawn to it.
It's the spirit's
headquarters.
When them kids finally
come back to camp,
they's all stupid-like,
like they don't never got
no brain or nothin'.
( continues playing piano )
Boy, pretty scary, huh?
The rock thing... yeah.
No, the triple-negative thing.
"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."
Not easy to pull off,
but fun to say.
ALL:
"Don't never got no brain
or nothin'."
( blows whistle, music stops )
From the top of the show.
( piano music resumes )
What's eating you,
Smithy Spencer?
I've seen enough
of this small New England town.
I'm ready to go west.
How far west?
As west as I can go
without drowning.
( knock at door )
Who could that be a-knockin'?
I don't know.
All the townsfolk
are here.
Maybe it's a snake
oil salesman.
Or a bear.
Or a... ( coughs )
( knock at door )
( gasps )
It's winter!
( all gasp )
( begins playing jaunty music )
( clap twice )
♪ From late October
to February ♪
♪ This town is like a tomb ♪
♪ I've been keepin' company
with my washboard and my loom ♪
♪ Yee-haw! ♪
♪ Can't leave the house,
it's too darn cold ♪
♪ We never have a vis'tor ♪
♪ It's the saddest time of year
for every miss and mister ♪
♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin' ♪
ALL:
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
♪ Some say I'm in denial--
so sue me, that's no sin ♪
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
♪ You can knock all day ♪
♪ And knock all night ♪
Please pass the aspirin.
♪ Ha-ha! ♪
♪ I wish I had six fingers
on one hand ♪
♪ Like Anne Boleyn ♪
( piano hits sour chord )
ALL:
♪ Winter comes a-knockin',
but I'm not answerin' ♪
♪ Knock-knock! ♪
( music continues )
( sputtering )
( yelling )
( sobs )
Oh, my set!
That's our cue.
For what?
To make a run
for it.
( exhales with exasperation )
Amateurs...
Stu... do not set
foot on my stage
until you can do a
shuffle ball change!
Oh, and Howard?
You're fired.
I'm happy to be out
of this dog and pony show!
But just so you know, you'll
never be able to replace me!
Never!
You with the rake,
take Howard's place, will you?
( groans )
( hooting )
Lead the way, Brother Bean.
( all gasp )
Hmm...
Uh-oh.
Busted.
Uh, we were just looking for...
Save it. We know
what you're up to,
and we want in.
I'm giving up the theater
and moving on to films!
You are making a movie, right?
Sweet.
Anything to keep from practicing
my shuffle ball change.
I haven't had
a hot shower in days.
And if there's any truth
to this underground
hot springs rumor,
I'm going to find it.
Okay, settlers,
let's make this movie.
TOMMY:
This is awesome!
With everybody
in costume,
it looks like
the real thing.
Thank me, you solid guys,
and talk old,
old, old school.
Take heed the foliage,
town idiot.
( yells )
LIL:
How do we know
we're going the right way?
We shall useth
the light of the full mooneth
to guide us
through the wilderneth.
Well said,
Smithy Spencer.
( grunts )
I'm going to go ahead
and fire myself now.
Good call.
I wonder what people do
who aren't good at anything.
Chuckie, you're good
at lots of stuff.
Like what, for example?
What am I good at?
Does anybody have a clue?!
You're a good friend.
Yeah, well, that and
a quarter will get me
a super-size, sweet
and sour jawbreaker
with a bubble gum center!
It seems like we've been
down this path before.
Are we lost... eth?
Maybe we'd better
go backeth.
If we don't get out of
the woods by sunup,
we may never get out.
Did you guys feel that?
Something's pulling me--
like an invisible force.
We're getting close--
I can feel it, too.
( everyone yelling )
What's going on up there?
Dead end!
( gasps )
There's the rock!
CHARLOTTE:
It's amazing.
And creepy.
STU:
And as smooth
as Charlotte's new forehead.
Oh, you really
think so?
I've got to get to that rock.
But how?
There's got to be
another path.
If the pioneers got through,
so can we.
Hallelujah!
Brother Bean found the way.