Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 7, Episode 3 - Maria - full transcript

While drunk, Leo Thorby buys what he thinks is a chimp. His wife Carol is outraged when she finds out he spent $500 and wants him to get his money back. Both of them are shocked to find out that the chimp is actually a woman, Maria, in a monkey suit and Leo thinks he has found the perfect circus act. Maria can sketch but only paints what she sees and when Leo sees a sketch of his wife kissing the lion tamer, he immediately jumps to conclusions. Little does he realize it's all part of Maria's plan to get rid of Carol. When he gets of Maria, she plots her own revenge.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

I shall resist the temptation to make
tiresome comparisons with my sponsor,

after all I have no desire
to hurt anyone's feelings,

and my friend here is about to
become one of our nation's heroes,

he must have
learned the news,

he's been selected
to go to the moon,

he's not very
excited about it,

either that or his trousers
are too tight again,

before we launch our
brave little explorer,

we have a training
film to show him,

you may
watch too.


no, before that,

you know what I drank down there?

I dreamt I I bought a monkey,

it was,

I was down at frank's place,

oh boy,

you know, I dreamt I was down at that
bar down, at frank's place you know,

there was a the sailorl they
had these rings in his ears,

and he had this ape, this monk,

one of them chimps, oh I
dreamt I paid him 500 clams.

-Oh don't worry honey was only a dream.

The way we're fixed
Leo, it's a nightmare.

Oh I know, but, I was
standing there and he bring it,

what, what's the matter?

My sainted aunt Emily.

Looks like a donut, but it ain't.

I?m still dreaming
I?m still dreaming...

But when I wake up
and it'll be gone.

And our savings, where will
they be? All right Leo get up,

and get out, dream that
you're finding that sailor,

dream that he takes back that
monkey and gives us back our dough.

But you don't
understand honey,

he wasn't that kind of guy.

All right then I will.

-I?ll find him, would you say who was
that when you met him at Frankie?s? -Yeah.

I?ll track him, then taking advantage
of a poor drunken slob like you,

500 for a dirty monkey.

But you see, honey, he
he said it was an act,

you wait, it can draw.

That's where we blow the
whistle on him fraud,

false pretenses, money back
or here come the cops,

hey monkey,

monkey, what are you doing?

stop that

stop that, Leotard you get rid of this
animal sailor or no sailor, money or no money,

take him to a zoo sell him to a pet shop,

there's no room
here for a chimp.

Relax will you honey, besides
she ain't a him she's a her.

Oh it's a her, well all the same, she
should have her mind washed out with soap.

But look that's a pretty
classy drawing and you know,

what they say one picture's
worth a thousand words.

Oh it is, is it? well why don't you call in the
boys or have it put on a picture postcard maybe.

-Oh no, not me, you don't.
-Ah come on honey you're spoiler.

-Your own wife, married legal, make a
show of money. -Oh you know,

I never asked you
to act like that.

-Leo one of those days you're gonna get just put
your ass... -Yeah but that was art and you ruined it.


It's spoke.

And why not?

Emilia Maria Trevitari.

-But they say you were Mambe...
-Mambarilla, the jungle genius.

How do you do?

A woman, notice.

Well you said there's
no room for a champ.

Less for a woman.

A chimp a woman honey, what's
a difference? she's a goldamine.

Well I don't dig it.

Maria, you you put
that back on you know,

I mean don't let nobody
ever see you without it,

but your meal take it same
as, you get your cut,

but to all the world
you're a monkey,

ah honey come on, be reasonable.

-She gives me the shivers.
-She's gonna give you a minko one of these days,

now look sweetie you know as
well as I do that we're going nowhere,

with our mine, we didn't
act, there's just not a chance,

but with her in the act,
I mean a chimp that,

-can draw is that an attraction or ain't it?
-To me it ain't.

Oh right now, we're
not even drawing tries,

but with her world jam
the place will have to,

stand in room only, and
as for those pictures she draws,

five bucks ten
bucks a piece we can get for maybe,

and people just buy them,

just to show to their friends,
to show that they haven't,

-don't you believe me?

All right we'll
give her a try out,

we'll give her a try out
before the pros in the troop,


they'll tell ya.

Go ahead, turn around, hop
on there thank you very much,

sorry folks,
sorry not to let you close,

If one of you has got a cold the ape get
galloping consumption delicate you know.

Divine, beautiful, magnificent,

a work of art,

-a thing of beauty.
-Stick to your cat's Magnifico.

-That's what I?m doing tigress nothing
else but... -Oh cut the baloney.

Your slave, I'll do what you say.

What do you say, an attraction?

The monkey, talk to me about
lions, tigers, leopards,

- women.
-But look, a work of art.

For me the original.

My personal
congratulations mr Thorby,

you've got the
goods, that goldmine.

-Thank you.
-Yeah you got something there Leo say that,

-but do you have organization? have you got capital?
-Oh I?ll work it up Benny.

Now look, this the rifle range
at pace see, I got the doe,

-and I got the know-how, with me as a
partner... -No thanks, Benny enough.

-Sell it out right, cash down.
-No sorry, sorry.

Maybe I can persuade you.

Ben, I can persuade you.

This is business, stay
out Think it over.

Nobody, I prefer to go in alone.

Honey what a rehearsal,
it was a dream,

Maria sweetheart,

those guys fixing the
tent stuff,

hey're, watching us their eyes
popping out of their heads,

the thing is I,

I wish you was in it with
me Carol I really do,

after all it's,

it's always
been you and me,

doing it together.

So now it's you and her?

Any actor, I don't care how
intellectual, needs a dame.

-To do what, cheer?
-Well cooperate a bit maybe.

Cooperate? that's the word,

when a woman hears it, she
wonders what she's in for,

well, what do I do
besides living with a monkey?

- I konw it's difficult.
-Playing second fiddle to a freak.

-I?m gonna work something out...
-Well come on tell me,

what are we gonna work
out, what do I do for it?

It's a tear in a costume,
uh, some dog,

rushed out and took a bite out
of her and ripped it.

What's the matter? she
can draw, can she sew?

Well you see, it's in the back of the
leg where she can't get at it without,

taking off the whole costume, and who
knows, who come barging in here.


Let's have it,

some dog, what was, it a chihuahua?

put your mask back on
you look better that way,

cover up I said.

-Anyone home?
-Quick, quick,

quick, come on, get rid.

Uh, come in.

Hello Torby,

well as the lady asked me in?

Oh come on Romeo,

even get
plastered again?

But there's no show tonight, it's
Monday, would you like one?

Oh no, no, thank you very much.

I can understand that you're
afraid the lines, will bite your head off,

if you take a drop, same thing
happens to me when I take a drop.

If you get stinking
drunk I?m not...

Whether or not, I do these days.

If you have any trouble
with him beautiful you just,

step across and you tell
al Magnifico all about it.

She'd like to, but it's
coming out to rain.

Well you know, actually,
I came over to ask you,

if you've got a little
something for the stomach.

-This is it. -Oh no, no,
I?ve had such a pain all the afternoon.

-I?ll take a look.
-Oh thank you very much.

I drink to genius,

you're nothing but an ape
but a genius all the same.

Now she can draw?

do anything you like,

but let me tell you something, if
you don't see it, she can't draw it,

no so,

artistic integrity,

you know, I went to someone and I
said to her try and draw an elephant,

she tried, made some
marks, you know,

dead in, no elephant.
Didn't see it, couldn't drive,

then this guy comes along leading
that elephant out of Sami?s action,

she takes one look,
grabs a piece of chalk,

one two three,

-spell it.
-Great, great fantastic.

Here, try these.

-Oh thank you very much.
-If she sees some pics,

-if she don't, next.
-Well that's wonderful, well good night.

-If you feel bad later... -Oh a doctor
pal better than a nurse, don't go out,

-in the rain, honey, Stay right here.
-To watch you drink yourself so stupid?

-Not so stupid maybe,
-Well good night dear lady.

Oh stop snoring,

back monkey,

back, back.

Hey what's so funny, what's
your joke? let's have a look,


what's that supposed to be, my wife
with that Magnifico, is that the idea?

Too bad, you didn't stick to mind reading
bad, you might have read the headlines.

Yeah, we'll see
about that, come out.

-He isn't there Leo.
-Come on out. -He isn't in there.


-well I know where she is.
-But Leo listen, you don't understand.

-Hey shut the door, I?m dressing.
-Dressing and packing.

What, packing what?
-You're out, you're threw,

you know what you are?

Leo, you've drunk yourself
crazy, you're mad.

Good and mad. Boy you're getting packed and
getting out, I?m putting you on that bus.

-What bus?
-Get rid of you,

now, this is yours, this
where's the other bag?

what's gotten into me? all right,
I?ve gotten wise to you, sneaking off,

last night after I fell
asleep, you and your lion tamer?

Me and him? it's a lie.

Yeah, you were seen, seen, how else could the monkey
have drawn you? Now slippers, where are those shoes?

Leo, I swear to you I never set foot outside
this trail, you know me I?m not a liar.

Leo I swear. I swear, I swear. I
never set foot outside, this trail.

Other might get in these shoes,
come on, you're getting out.

Como on, get out. Out!

-Get out! I said keep moving it. Go!


I?m taking these things for him,
that's what I?m doing as reed question,

bird's feeding his
cats while he's gone.

Gone? where to,
when do you leave?

Last night they took
him Burton Fred,

hospital, ruptured appendix
when you didn't hear about it.

-Ah horrible agony,

rolling around outside there.

Last night?

well that means she...she
couldn't possibly have...

And they got him cut
open, rest and easy,

no visitors and let's
see he wants his dew,

pajamas, his bathrobe,

tooth brush, his
hairbrushes combs...

So that's your game is it,

-that's your little game.
-You never have shaken her out, with you,

men are so quick,

she's gone, she's
out, like you said,

out, out and you and I...

Have I been done.

Never mind, that's over, and now...

You were the one that put the
mud on her shoes, weren't you?

oh Carol...


the rightful god.


seeing you in that skin all the time I
more than have forgot you wasn't a monkey.

I know.

Of course,

you're a woman.

A woman.

Come in.


-There it is.
-I might have known.

You know Benny,
guys like us who've,

been in show business half our lives,

but the biggest suckers of
all, we believe anything.

Listen, the figures I gave you
was for a genuine chimpanzee.

You wanted the actor brings in the
dough, didn't you? there it is.

Me? are you selling me?

-Oh no.
-Listen Benny, if you don't want to buy,

I say somebody
else often is for you,

if you don't want to
play along you say so,

and I?ll dump you out on
that road, when the school lets out,

there are some pretty
tough kids in that school.

-Where which is it?

See? I had it typed up, the doe,

the percentage, you
sign here, I sign there,

and you,

put it on and keep it on.

-Any news yet?
-No, no, written up three times and haven't gotten an answer.

Letters can take a while to
catch up with the person.

Yeah that's true but, sometimes when they,
do catch up you get to brush up all the same.

Letter from Carol yet?

no answer to other letters?

not a word from Carol eh?

-Look bad, isn't it?
-All wrong monkey, take a look at this.

Had the idea to write a certain
outfit in Chicago and it,

caught up with us, see,
she never got the others,

so she's coming back to me, yeah,

she's coming back to me
tonight on the last bus,

and I?m having a celebration, got a
little snack got a bottle of champagne,

her and me,

so draw a picture of that, monkey.

Yes Carol, one moment,

be right there,


-what is it?

Like you said Leo, she couldn't
draw it unless she'd seen it first.

Yeah, but...

Benny I,

I had nothing to do with Lena...

Tonight's story had a very
happy ending for Maria,

she went to Paris
to study painting,

and is doing
very well now,

under a different name of course,

to lose something
or other,

as for Ben, his was
a happy ending too,

except that it has been
delayed by a 25 year sentence,

and speaking of
interminable sentences,

I shall return after this one.

I don't know
how it happened,

he simply outwitted me,

I?m afraid to ask who's
going to the moon now,

so until next week,
or later, good night.