Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - A Clacker Free Zone - full transcript

Relax, everyone. I'm here.

But the door I'm about to go through
is far bigger than necessary.

Anyone seen the kitchen?

Head chef Alan Davies?

Er, this is my first telly
and I'm a little bit scared.

Do that in slow motion.

APPLAUSE

Hello, good evening, welcome.

I'm Alan Davies
and this is As Yet Untitled,

the show were we don't really
have any things to say

particularly prepared, including
the intro, and we have no agenda,



no-one's plugging anything.

We're just trying to have
a nice, funny conversation

and come up with
a title for the show.

And I have invited
four hugely talented guests

to help me in that task.

So, please,
will you welcome my guests?

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome.

Here they are.

Nice to see you all,
let's see what we have.

Bryony Kimmings is here.

Bryony Kimmings once had
a face full of pubes.

Bryony Kimmings is here.

Milton Jones,
welcome to Milton Jones.



Milton Jones is security conscious
and once caused a bloodbath.

Milton Jones, welcome.

Ainsley Harriott, welcome to
Ainsley. Nice to see you.

Ainsley Harriott is not Lenny Henry

and has exposed his
rhinotillexomania.

And Catherine Tate.
Lovely to see you.

Catherine Tate isn't
very good in the office

and knows all about
early-morning anxiety.

Don't you know?

Which I find hard to believe.

Ains, right now, two beverages
on the go, that's good. I know!

And a salad in one of them.
I tell you what, yeah.

I don't know what I'm going
to cook with that lot in there.

A couple of tomatoes and an olive.
They are very nice indeed.

I like that.

A Bloody Mary, I think it's just,
it's kind of one of those...

You know when you
want to eat something

but you're not quite ready yet?

It's a meal in the glass.
Yeah, absolutely.

That's what I love about it.
Do you like the look?

You're looking at that up and down.
I don't, to be honest.

Have a look at the colour of that.

That's minestrone soup.
It's not appetising, is it?

That is after you've
done the washing up,

that's what goes down the sink.
Yeah.

Can anyone confirm?
HE LAUGHS

When I was younger, I worked in
the Wimbledon tennis championships

in the washing up section.

And you used to have
a sink full of water

and you're just dipping
the cups in. Oh, gross.

Brown water, dirty brown.
That would have been nice.

With salad floating in it. Ugh!

And that was what you did,
that was the only way you could

keep up with the flow, people
come in and go, "I need some more!"

THEY LAUGH

Some bloke's drying them
with the dirtiest cloth

you've ever seen in your life.

Then they go back round, they put
another bit of cake on and go out.

And they ate.

I wasn't a ball boy. I was.
Were you? I was, yes!

You were an actual ball boy?
An actual ball boy, yes.

Shut the front door. Yeah, I know.
Were you? Yes, Al! What court?

It was several courts, actually.
I didn't get on Centre Court

or Number One, as we know it today.

But it was Ilie Nastase,
Rosie Casals, Tom Okker.

I remember a lot
of the great players

and I was actually ball boy because
our school was really close by.

And I just loved it, loved it.

We used to get the Dunlop Green
tennis shoes afterwards.

You'd keep your own Green Flash?

You don't want to hand them smelly
things back afterwards, do you?

"Finish those," great.

How did they choose you? Erm,
I think you put yourself forward.

And literally, you did
a bit of training

and you got your gear
and then you...

But I mean, like,
have I got this completely wrong?

Go on. And I don't know.

The tennis, it's the tennis.
No, I know it's the tennis!

You pick the ball up.
Have I got it really wrong?

Is it not? Oh, no, I think
I've got it wrong.

What have you got wrong?
What were you thinking?

I thought it was only...

orphans.

THEY LAUGH
Have I got that wrong?

I can have a word with Mum!

I thought it was people from...

Have I got that wrong? You thought
it was deprived people from...

I thought it was people
from Dr Barnardo's. Is that wrong?

Did you? Yeah, I did! It's
like Oliver Twist. Do you know what?

I think that's what they told me

when I said
I wanted to be a ball girl.

"You can't, you're not an orphan!"
Maybe that's why...

Is that what they said to you?
So, you killed your parents.

I've been watching Wimbledon looking
at these kids, going,

"Oh, God, at least they get to
collect some balls." Yeah.

Something to look
forward to. I'm amazed.

That's why I didn't like to ask,
I thought, "Oh, God."

They've just told me in my ear
that it used to be orphans.

Ah, see? Until 1966.

So, I knew that it
had come from somewhere.

Did they just
tell you that in your ear?

No, I'm very clever. I've got all...

Ask me anything, ask me anything.

Give them five minutes on Google.

Oh, so it did used to be orphans?
Other search engines are available.

So it's right. So I was right!

So it used to be orphans,
is that what you're telling me?

I'm sure I'd heard that. Yes, it
used to be orphans. From Barnardo's?

Please, God.
Used to be Dr Barnardo's.

Now it's just Barnardo's.
Sorry, yes.

MILTON: Struck off. Exactly!
So, yeah, it used to be orphans.

That's interesting,
I didn't know that. Anyway, Ainsley.

Can you tell me about Lenny Henry
and how you're not him?

Call me sir. Yeah!

It's incredible how you
think about Lenny and myself.

This comparison has been there
for a very, very long time.

And I think what it is is that Lenny
did that programme called The Chef.

Remember that? Oh, yes.

And I think as a result
of The Chef, there's that connection

and they kind of put us
into the same sort of...

Well, we're both black,
we're both about the same age.

You know, but I think it's just
that slight sort of comedy element

and that was it.

But I enjoyed it, when they
showed all the little montage

of Sir Lenny and all
his work over the years.

And then suddenly, there was you
doing the Calypso Twins

at the Comedy Store.

That brought back some
nice memories for me.

I know! I used to love
the Calypso Twins.

It's unbelievable, that, wasn't it?
Was it when Lenny was knighted?

Yeah, they announced
he was getting a knighthood.

They did a montage on ITV News.

And they...? They included
a bit of Ainsley doing comedy. Oh.

They were showing Lenny
talking about diversity,

so everyone was
really engaged in it.

That it should be this
and it should be that.

They put a little
clip of me going...

# Co-co-co, co-co-co... #
THEY LAUGH

My God!

I can imagine the researcher.

I was just thinking, you know...
How do they do that?

I don't even look like Len.

I mean, the age and the difference
but Lenny's got the hair,

he's got that, he's a bit stockier.

And he wasn't in the Calypso Twins.

He wasn't in the Calypso Twins,
more importantly.

And he's Lenny Henry and you're not.
Yeah!

It was the clue, wasn't it?
Yeah, big, big clue.

But there was one particular time

when I was out in Australia
and I thought,

"God, I've just got off the plane,
I fancy a massage," you know.

And I went to this place and...
I don't want to know!

Yeah! I'll take your word for it.

And I never forget walking in,
there's a woman.

A rather large woman was there,
she's very lovely.

"Hello, my darling," she said.

It was very, you know, just
sort of hospitable and everything,

invited me in.

And then you feel
completely vulnerable

because you strip off all your
clothes and you're just looking down

through the little gap
like that, you know, and...

I always fall asleep immediately.
Oh, no, no.

And I wake myself up by snoring,

then I think, "How long
have I been snoring for?"

And there's a pile of dribble
on the floor. Yeah, drooling!

HE SNORTS

And then you've got to pay and
you didn't experience anything.

I wake up and go, "Oh, what
have you done?" It never goes well.

No. Anyway, mine
was beginning to go well.

And I'm lying there thinking,
"This is really nice."

And she's like this
and she's rubbing and she says,

"I do recognise you."
I thought, "Fair enough.

"I'm here to do the
food show in Australia."

Not from that angle, though?
THEY LAUGH

"And I remember
you're a very bad tipper."

Yeah, all right.

And it feels very nice,
then she says to me...

"You like your girls big,
don't you?"

Oh!

And I think, suddenly
put two and two together.

She thinks I'm Lenny Henry.

So I said, "No, I think you've got
it wrong. I'm not married to Dawn."

She says, "I heard you were
having problems," she says.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Ooh!

So I thought, "I can't get out
of this, I can't get out of this."

I said, "No, no." I said,
"I'm the chef."

She said, "Yeah, I saw that series."

So, I was getting, I was getting
deeper and deeper into it.

I said, "No, no." I thought,
"How am I going to get this?"

And I remember going to the
local shop, they sell my couscous.

So, I say, "I'm the couscous man."
She goes, "Oh, yeah!

"I eat that," she says.

That was fantastic.
It broke the ice.

I said, "No, I'm Ainsley."

And we got this lovely
kind of connection going

and I had the most
beautiful massage.

So, in the end, it was good.
Thank God for that.

Was it in a Travel Lodge?

What is that supposed
to mean, Milton?

Do you get free rooms
at Premier Inn?

I've got a big bump on
and they've gone,

"Oh, good God, she's been
interfered with!"

Now, what is this about you
not being very good in the office?

I find that hard to believe. Well,
I wasn't meaning it in the TV show.

You are not referring to the hit
US sitcom, The Office? I was not.

I am talking about the actual
office place where you would work

if you had any office skills,
but I didn't. But I had...

When I left college, I got a job

temping for someone's honeymoon
cover as a receptionist

at an American firm.

And I didn't have any, properly
didn't have any office skills.

What, no words per minute?

Well, I couldn't type, right?

"Well, couldn't type!"

Because the guy comes out and
a thing called... This is about '96.

A thing called Word for Windows,
have you heard of that?

It's a software package.
Microsoft, yeah.

I'd never heard anything about that,
just wasn't on my radar.

So, the man comes out,
they're answering the phone

and he says, "Oh, are you
the new girl?"

And I said, "Yeah." He said,
"Do you do Windows?"

THEY LAUGH

And I thought...
Started going like that?

Well, I just thought, I thought he
meant, "Will you clean the windows?"

And they were like floor-to-ceiling
windows in this place.

And I thought... "Oh,
that's a bit much, innit?"

You know, doing the phones.

And I said, "Well,
I know how to do them

"but I didn't expect
you'd be asking me."

And he went, "You didn't think
we'd want you to do Windows?"

I was like, "I'm sure this
is not in my job description!"

And I said, "Well, all right then,
I'll do the windows."

"Right, can you come
into my office then?"

And I said, "Well,
I'll need a ladder."

But bless their hearts,

they kept me there for two years.

As a window cleaner? On a temping
contract, as a window...!

It took me two years to finish that.
That circuit. Erm, yeah.

They kept me there for two years
on and off and I loved it

and I started doing stand-up
while I was there

and they all came to see me.

When were you doing stand-up?

I don't think I ever
saw you do stand-up.

It was, I started in about '98.

What were you talking about?

Erm, probably my job at the office
and what mugs they all were.

Straight stand-up or any sort of
characters or accents or anything?

No, I never did
characters as stand-up.

Just used to do, you know,
stuff about me, really.

But once, only once,
I started telling a story.

And I just thought, "I wonder if
I should put a voice in that story."

I was telling a story about my nan.
Right.

And I remember getting
on the microphone and going...

"It's cold out, innit? Is it
cold out? I think it's cold out."

SHE COUGHS
Like that.

And because, you know,

I didn't have any prosthetic on
or anything like that,

I remember getting
a really good reaction from it

and I had the idea of doing
the old lady character from that.

Did it start from school, that?

You know, a lot of us at school,

you get into an embarrassing
situation so you feel,

"I'll make my friends laugh."

Oh, yeah.
And you can make them laugh,

that's your early audience.

That becomes your thing, doesn't it?

It wasn't your nan who was
really the inspiration

for the Gran character, was it?
No, it wasn't.

The character was
sort of an amalgamation of

lots of old ladies
I knew growing up.

And a lot of the sketches that
I've done definitely have happened.

I remember doing one where,
and this is absolutely true,

and it was my godmother.

When my cousin had had a baby,
she said...

.."Teresa's had the baby."
And I said, "Yeah, I know."

"She's had a little girl.

"They're calling it Tesco's."
THEY LAUGH

And I said,
"They're calling her Francesca."

And she said, "Right.
It sounds like Tesco's to me."

I mean, Tesco's,
I made that into a sketch.

I made the old lady go, "She's
calling it Tesco's and all that."

But that was absolutely true and
something I completely remembered.

But wasn't there a story about you
going to do a drama or something

in an old folks' home?

Oh, God, yeah. That's where
the voice came from. Right, go on.

When I was at drama school,
they used to tell us to go out

and do stuff in the community.

So, half of my year got to go round
to primary schools and say, erm,

do some really cool
devised show about going,

"Hey, you've got
to be careful of drugs."

The other half of the year,
got to go to secondary schools

and do a really cool show about,

"Hey, kids, let's use
contraception."

Four of us chosen to go
down the old people's home

and give them a trip down memory
lane. Oh, no! I mean, dreadful.

We couldn't have cared less,
we were about 18.

Do you remember the
orphans at Wimbledon?

Do you remember the orphans,
love? Here they are!

And I remember going,
we'd got some routine, like,

# Don't sit under the apple tree
With anyone else but me

# No, no, no! #

And we're in their recreation room
and one old lady went...

.."Is she going to stand in front
of that fucking telly all day?"

THEY LAUGH

That is how I got the voice,
that's right. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Then this is
absolutely true as well.

The same lady who said my cousin
was calling her daughter Tesco's,

she came with a lot of
her friends and she was an older,

she was sort of like my
nan's generation, my godmother.

And when I was at drama school,
you do your third year production

and they're public productions.

So, they've all come to the
thre-atre, as they've called it.

"Shut the thre-atre."

But are just used to sitting at home
and watching the TV and talking.

Yeah. That's their culture.

Because, you know, they weren't
used to going the thre-atre. No.

As I, of course, pronounce it!

So, they've sat in the front row

but every time
I came on, they'd say...

My godmother's name was Nell

and her friends Annie
and Julie were with her.

She went, "Nell, she's back.
She's back, Nell, she's back."

Every time I came on!

And they say, "She's not
got the shoes on now, Nell.

"She ain't got no shoes on.

"Oh, catch her death,
she'll catch her death."

And I'm trying to do it, thinking,
"Oh, dear God."

And in the last scene, I come out

and it's sort of like
five years later or something

and I'm pregnant, right?

I've got a big bump on
and they've gone,

"Oh, good God,
she's been interfered with!"

You're speaking
about contemporary theatre.

Bryony Kimmings has done
two of the best shows

I've seen in the theatre for years.

Oh, that's kind.

And you did a show called Credible
Likeable Superstar Role Model.

Exactly.

With your niece, wasn't it?
She was my niece.

And it was about what it's
like growing up being a girl

in the world and it was fantastic.

And I think I got quite affected by
it because I'd just had a daughter.

Yeah. But anyway,
never mind all that. Yeah.

What about when you had
a face full of pubes?

That's the most important thing.
Well, this is...

More than just one face full. Oh?

Which doesn't sort of sound that
great. I made a show, 2010 it was.

It was called Sex Idiot.

And it was the retracing
of a sexually transmitted infection

that I'd caught and I'd never
had a sexual health test before.

So, I thought it would be
a really good idea to go

and interview everyone
that I'd ever shagged.

And the show is about what
happens when you kind of

retrace your sexual
footsteps in that way

and there's a moment in the show
where I ask people

to give me their pubes
from the audience.

Don't worry, I won't ask you.
THEY LAUGH

The show was about sexual health

and I really wanted there
to be a moment in it

where everyone in the audience could
kind of understand that sometimes

when you're drunk or if you're
sort of in a high situation,

you might be a bit reckless and have
sex with someone without a condom.

So, I gave everyone in the audience
booze and then I asked them

to donate their pubes to me.

So that I can continue
telling the story

by fashioning those pubes
into a moustache.

Obviously!

And I've become
the man that gave me

the sexually transmitted infection.

So... I love it already.
Yeah, it's fantastic.

The sort of shit she does.
She's a genius, I'm telling you.

But because I've
done it so many times

and put so many pubes on my face,

I started to sort of chart
in my diary

what people's pubes meant
in different places.

For example,
in Adelaide, I don't know

if you've ever been to
the festival in Adelaide.

It's really hot and sweaty. Oh, God.

And Adelaide, I can tell you,

people don't like to shower
before they go to the theatre.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Whereas Liverpool, you'll get
no pubes because everybody waxes.

Oh, really? So, they're like,
"We'd love to, but we can't."

Plymouth,
everybody gives their pubes.

I've done it there a few times
and everyone gives them.

You want to ask a question!
Can I ask a question?

Please ask questions. So...

Now I say it, it sounds
stupid but you ask me. Do they know?

Like, have they got them
in a bag before they come?

No, they cut them, they cut them
off. What, in front of everyone?

So, you give scissors?

I give them scissors and cups.
So like a few cups like this

and some scissors inside.

We've got to the end of the show.

So, what? Is everyone
pulling down their pants

and just having a little snip?

Or is there a private area? You have
to... No, there's no private area.

Apart from that private area,
obviously.

I give them a health
and safety talk. I say, "Look.

"Don't just wildly snip
because something bad could happen."

Yeah. Children's scissors
from the nursery. Yeah. They are.

Plastic ones! They are those plastic
ones! Because they're all right.

You put your hand down
the front of your trousers,

you pull your trousers away from
your pubic area so you can see them,

no-one else has to - snip, cut,
put them in the cup.

Like when they... Easy!
..put the offertory at church?

Exactly like that.

Putting your pubes in?

Exactly, that was one of my
references. Like communion, yeah.

And then they come back to me.

Sellotape, pubes, moustache.
Do you not care?

Well, I don't know.
I don't think I do care. I didn't.

I was quite young when I did it.

Probably a bit more reckless.

In your 20s? Yes, and then
I did it in Adelaide last year.

The morning of the last show,
I found out I was pregnant.

And as I kind of put
that pube moustache on,

I did for a second sort of go,

"Should I be allowed
to be a mother?"

Do you know what I mean?
So, I've stopped it now.

I wear the moustache
and I sing a song.

And I have to... "Ugh! Pfft!"

AUDIENCE GASPS
Yeah, I know.

Again, it sounds weird now.

I've never seen this one,
I want to see it. Do you keep it?

No, do I keep it? No!

THEY LAUGH

That's disgusting. Oh, I'm sorry!

That the gross-out bit!
Not to put it under your nose!

But do you know what?
What's the matter with you?

I'm so sorry. What's the matter
with you? I'm so sorry.

You eat them?

Is there a warning on
the poster before you go?

No, sometimes I've had to...

In Zagreb, I had to
not give out alcohol.

But no-one ever warned me to not
hand out the scissors or anything.

Sometimes the scissors don't
come back. Really? That's nasty.

And I find that strange. It's
either like a scissors shortage

or a very violent city.

Maybe people think,
"I've cut my pubes with these,

"surely these are disposable?"

Or they lose them down there. Yeah!
SHE LAUGHS

They go for a wee later
and cut their finger off.

So, yeah, I've had about 20,000
people's pubes on my face.

20,000, you reckon? I reckon.

THEY GIGGLE

God! Oh, God, I nearly puked.
I actually just nearly puked!

Now, Milton Jones.

I find it hard to believe
that you've caused a bloodbath.

Yeah, erm...

You've always been quite
mild-mannered in my experience.

Yeah, well, I didn't mean to.
That's the get-out clause.

Years ago, I used to do
sports for deprived kids.

Used to organise courses and
things and under my tutelage,

they were mainly deprived of sport.

HE LAUGHS

And so, I used to
drive the minibus around

and we used to get
all the people and take them out.

A load of teenage girls
in the back of the minibus

and I was driving,
driving along like you do.

They were all screaming
and talking and, ah!

And... Where is this going?

Yeah, well, quite...

And a flock of pigeons came
and sat in the road in front.

So, to show off, I said,

"Hey, girls, I'm going to
run over all these pigeons!"

Accelerated down,
expected them all to fly away.

AUDIENCE GASPS
Oh, no!

I just ran over the pigeons,
didn't I?

Oh, God.

So they went from, "Oh,
don't do that." "He's done it!"

But there was no point in me
saying I didn't mean to

because I told them exactly what
I was going to do and I did it.

Did you then pull over?

No, I accelerated
from the scene of the crime.

No, definitely a lot of
feathers flying about.

So, I kept the job
for a little longer.

They normally do fly off, though.
Well, that's what I thought.

Because they've read sound of the
engine or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. They were probably
thinking, "We'll show him."

Just one of them going,
"Just stand, lads. Just stand."

He's going to bottle it, he's going
to bottle it.

We'll face this one down.

"This'll make a good anecdote."

The pigeon that held his ground.

I bet they screamed, those girls,

and I bet they went
mental about it for ages.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I bet some of them cried.

Yeah, they did,
they did more than cry, actually.

They screamed and wanted,
they were even more deprived.

I'm distracted by your orange thing
because after all the talk

about pubes earlier,
I'm imagining that's been collected.

CATHERINE: From mine! From inside...
THEY LAUGH

Yeah, this is... There was a pair
of scissors in my dressing room.

So, Catherine's made you a brooch.

Thank you, thank you.

A corsage, please. A corsage!

A corsage made from
Catherine's pubes.

I realise it looks a bit like
one of those shower loafers now

when I look at it. It does.
I thought it was like a chic brooch.

It just looks like
shower paraphernalia.

It is chic and it's a lovely
colour but I've now got...

I can't,
I can't even look at it now!

It's Catherine's muff! Oh! Crude.

I'm writing that down as a title.

Oh, my God.
Write that down as a title.

That is the potential title,
Catherine's Muff.

And you might think we're
aiming low but there we are.

We're in polite company.
Please use the word clacker.

I love that word! Clacker,
what a great word. Clacker? Clacker?

For vagina? Yeah!

"All right? Just
doing up my clacker."

I thought that was those things
in the '70s that banged together.

Clackers?

Clackers, yes. Is that
when it bangs together?

Oh, God. Where have we gone?

Oh, you can talk.

I happen to know that you've
got all kinds of bit words.

Tell me about that.
What, about the fanny words?

The fanny words, yes.

You'll like this.

You will if you like
the word clacker.

I used to do a lot
of going to prisons.

You know, and doing drama stuff
with people in prisons.

It's a thing, isn't it?
Yes, it is. It's a thing people do.

On your own or with a company?
On my own, weirdly. Fair play.

A friend of mine worked in a prison,
so I used to go in there

and sometimes do research.
Male prisoners or female prisoners?

Male prisons. I went in

to a prison and I had a song
that I wanted to write.

This is probably a really
bad thing to take into a prison,

have people in a room and be like,

"I want to write a song
about the vagina."

And they were like, "Ugh."

They were all going mental for a
vagina in there.

So, it was a bit provocative.

And I said,
I said to all of them...

So many titles are coming up!

They're All Going Mental
For A Vagina.

So, I just sat, I just said,
"I just need you to tell me

"as many different names for the
humble vagina as you possibly can."

I'm rewriting the Bob Dylan song

where the video is
all of those signs.

And I was going to call it The
Fanny Song, it was a Bob Dylan cover

and I need hundreds of names, which
I thought I might not be able to get

but then you're in a prison,
so you do get millions.

So, just sitting
writing them all down,

everyone's having a laugh
but there's a really silent bloke

at the back who's a bit
terrifying looking, quite big.

Tattooed. And then... He didn't say
anything for the entire session.

We moved into different subjects
and stuff and at the end,

he sort of makes
an advance towards me.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God." And
he's like, "I've got one for you."

I was like, "Right."
He was like, "The supple secret."

But like, deadpan.

Sort of really terrifying.
Supple secret? The supple secret.

Not the supper secret!

It's always all food with me,
isn't it? And I was like, yeah!

And I was a bit like...
The supple secret?

The supple secret
but really sinister.

And I was bit like,
"I'm going to press my alarm."

And then he went, "Or tuna canoe."
THEY LAUGH

"Thanks."

So, I got loads of them and I
think in the song there's about 100.

Tuna canoe? I know.

There's 164 in the song.
I had so many.

Clacker's not in there, though.
I've never heard that. Oh, 165.

I know, I should put clacker
in at the end. Oh, I love it.

Well, I mean, you know, the word.

I've got something to tell you!

"I've got one for you."

So, can you remember the song?
Yeah, I know the song.

Oh, come on. I'll do the
first verse. Do the first verse.

# Your vagina, your Mary
your fanny, your fairy

# Your hot little foo-foo
your minge, pussy, noo-noo

# Your patty, your puppy
your hoo-ha, your snatch

# Your mer-may, your front bum
your hairy wet gwatch

# Your fuzzer, your gina
your hot box, your flower

# Your flange, your parking space
your growler

# Tunnel to the womb
the cootchie, the poon

# Flange, lady garden
your muff, silk drapes

# Squirter, furburger
and your cunt cake. #

APPLAUSE

And so it goes on.

Oh, I'd love Kylie to do that.
Oh, yes.

Wouldn't it be good?

You know, she's suddenly thought,
"I've had enough of the touring,

"I've had enough of getting all
the gear on, I've had enough of it.

"I'm going out with a bang
doing a fanny song."

How many hits on YouTube would that
have? About 4 billion in a week.

Probably.

More than mine. More than mine.

Do you know what occurs to me?
But I don't know if it's funny.

It might be a little bit
too serious. Doesn't matter. OK.

This show can hold it.

I think there's two words
that are highly offensive.

The most highly offensive
things now are cunt. MF, that one.

You can't say that. No, what
I think you couldn't say on live...

The N-word? No,
that's out of play now.

No, I mean, that's completely,
we wouldn't even...

You know what I mean?

Nigel Farage? Yes!

I was thinking exactly the same.

AINSLEY: What I was thinking of.
High-five there, mate.

I don't want to know.
Do we want to know what it is?

No, I think it's faggot. Faggot?
Yeah.

I don't think cunt
will ever go away.

THEY LAUGH
But I think...

Let's hope not, Catherine.
THEY LAUGH

Ah, we ended on a laugh
with the C-word!

Now, Ainsley Harriott. Yeah.
Rhino, rhinotillexomania? I know.

Do you have?
Is this to do with your nose?

It's to do with picking your nose,
actually. Oh, is that what that is?

Well, yeah, because it came about
and I just started on TV,

I'd just started doing
Good Morning Anne And Nick.

And it was really all about
being embarrassed

because people were saying,

"What's your most embarrassing
moment on television?"

And I think it was
really the early days

when you're doing a live TV show
and they throw to you,

you haven't got your earpiece in
and you look up at the monitor

and you can see your finger right
up there, you're looking like this.

Oh, my God!

AINSLEY: Chef, on TV, about to cook
for Anne Diamond and Nick Owen.

And you're looking like that,
"What am I going to do?"

And you go to the taps,
you turn on the taps and of course,

it's a set,
so there's no water coming out.

And so, you go to a bowl
which has got all the soap in it

and there's loads of soap in there
so you can never wash off the soap.

So, all your hands are
sliding on it, everything else,

you're making up this food and
you're trying to all be very clever.

And it's really difficult because
you have to compose yourself

and Anne comes over, "Right, what
are we going to be cooking, then?"

HE LAUGHS

Oh, no!

Lean over to Anne and say,
"Well, Anne, today..." Yes!

How many times have we done that,
trying to get rid of it?

Anyway, that was...

Erm, so that was a
pretty hairy moment, that.

Tell me more about the bogey.
Was it...? CATHERINE: Oh, God!

Was it one of those long stringy
ones you sometimes get? Oh, God!

Do you know the worst thing about
it? Because it was a thinking one.

What's wrong with bogies? You were
on about a clacker a minute ago.

Did you have it under the nail?

Oh, come on!

HE GIGGLES

Sounds pretty disgusting,
doesn't it?

No, I hadn't used the fork yet, the
fork was the one that gets it out.

Of course it is,
you all know what I'm doing.

You've got that there
and the face distorts a bit.

I think that is the finder and
that is the puller, that gets it.

You all know what
I'm talking about, don't you?

So, you didn't mention it?

You didn't fess up and say,
"Sorry, ladies and gentlemen."

You can't. Honestly,
it was one of those moments

when they throw to you and
they give it a casual moment.

You talk, you introduce what you're
actually going to be cooking.

And then they
come over and join you.

It's all very, very nice. It's
all that really nice morning TV.

25 years ago, maybe even more than
that. What were you cooking? Pesto?

To camouflage it, just...
"What have we got in there?"

A little bit.

These are fresh ingredients, ladies
and gentlemen. Pick your own.

We'll have a little bit of that.

Especially when you got one of those
with a hair on the end of it.

You know the hair that's
come out of the nostril?

Now, that's...
Oh, come on, Catherine.

Would you ever get a pork scratching
with a nipple? Yeah.

THEY LAUGH
God.

Oh, God, I nearly puked.
I actually just nearly puked!

I know I put pubes on my face
but a nipple, yes.

On the pork scratching, a nipple!
Ugh! It's the worst.

So, the skin, the pork scratching.

I don't eat meat, I wouldn't
have a pork scratching.

That's made of the skin of the pig.

So, we're talking
about the underside.

So when you push back the crackle,

you think, "Oh, a nipple."
THEY LAUGH

That's not what I was hoping for.

Oh, my God.

Were you hoping for the clacker?
Yeah.

Pass the tuna!

Tunas are massive! Agreed.

What are you trying to say?

This voice jumped off the shoulder
telling me how right I was.

And another voice jumps on
and went,

"You're fucking mental."

So, Milton, you're security
conscious. Is that right?

Well, sort of, I thought I was once.

I, years ago, had a friend.

That's not the story.

That's just a boast. Yes!

I just want you to know that,
all right?

Erm, it was next door
to a rowing couple.

And they'd often be shouting,
you'd hear it through the walls,

shouting at each other,
goodness knows what was going on.

Anyway, eventually
he seemed to leave one day

and the girl comes round
to my friend's.

"Oh, please help, he's gone, he's
gone, finally he's gone, he's gone!

"Help me! I need to
stop him getting back in."

So, muggins who's the only bloke
around says, "OK, little lady.

"Leave this to me."

So, I go round and spend
the afternoon nailing windows shut,

putting in new locks
and chains to try and stop him

getting back in to do
whatever he was going to do.

And finally at the end,
she says, "Thank you so much,

"that's really helpful
and I'll never forget this."

I said, "That's OK."

I just go to check the cupboard
and he leaps out at me.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Just in
that moment and he comes at me.

Fortunately,
it turns out he's really little.

So, even I could
probably have handled it.

But there's a lot of shouting.

And I'm going, "You behave yourself,
we're listening to you."

He's going, "Get out of my house,
get out! It's my house!

"I rent it, blah blah blah." I say,
"Right, I'm going, I'm going."

Of course, I couldn't get out.

No-one could get out.
No-one could get out. Just, I can't!

"See, see what we did?"

Eventually I got out
but it wasn't my highest moment.

He'd been in there the whole time?
Yeah. Listening to us slag him off.

Oh, Jesus. So, he was trapping
you, really? Or was he just?

Well, I don't know what
he was doing in the cupboard

but he was there.

Just spying on you
in the cupboard? Yes.

He faked his own exit?
Yes. "Right, that's it."

Opened the front door, banged it
shut, tiptoed back into a cupboard.

And then waited to see what
she was going to do. Oh, dear me.

Did you get paid? No!

The most important
part of the story.

Yes, sent an invoice
but nothing happened. Yeah.

No, that's my DIY
and security all in one.

Did they move out quite
quickly afterwards? Yeah.

I bet they were, "That guy's
really weird next door, isn't he?"

Was it a standing-up cupboard?
Yeah, it was a proper...

Yeah, it was a larder.

Oh, not just in a tiny cupboard
with a drawer on the top. No, no.

Got the drawer!
THEY LAUGH

He's got snacks in there.
Yeah, probably.

That is the weirdest
thing I've ever...

So, you got out and then?
Well, I was sort of saying,

"We're keeping an eye on you,
you behave yourself."

But they split up soon after.

Good. I don't like
the sound of him. No.

He was trouble.

What's this about your
early morning anxiety?

Is this an actual thing? It is.

No, it's anxiety I experienced
from a thing I did at...

In the early hours of the
morning with the clarity

that you get at
three o'clock in the morning.

Well, it was actually three o'clock
in the morning, having waited

for my boyfriend at the time to get
home at 11, when he said he would.

Hmm. Yeah. Ooh! Rolled in at 2.

No supple secret for that fella.
No, I should say!

It was a clacker-free zone
that night!

And, you know, it was
an occurring thing,

he kept coming home late,
kept coming home drunk.

And, you know, there he was asleep.

He'd rolled up about
two o'clock in the morning

and I was so livid,
I just couldn't sleep.

And then it occurred to me
the absolute certain

and right thing I should do,
to teach him a lesson...

..was cut his hair off, right?

In the night, right?

And I genuinely...
I'm not a particularly...

I don't think I'm a vengeful person
but at that moment, I thought,

it wasn't like, "I'm going to
fucking cut your hair off."

It was like, "Cut his hair off."

Yeah! Cut his hair off.

That'll show him. That'll learn him!

Right? And as I was...
And I did do it, right?

With a pair of old kitchen scissors.

And as I was doing it,

genuinely it was like there were
two voices on my shoulder

and the first one was going,

"Yeah, go on, that's absolutely
the right thing to do. Go on!

"Two o'clock in the morning?
Who does he think he is?

"You've been waiting three hours
and this is the third time.

"Cut his hair." "I'm cutting
his hair off, that's it."

Now as it turns out,
if you cut off someone's hair,

that's criminal damage.

Because it's their property.

And it's quite a hefty fine.

THEY LAUGH
But I didn't know that at the time.

Actually, I didn't get done for it.

But cutting off his hair,
when you cut off someone's hair,

it's OK and then what you
realise is he's laying on one side.

Oh, going to look
a bit lopsided, ain't it?

And of course, you can't go,
"Turn over, turn over.

"I don't want it to be asymmetric."

Get a sausage or something,
something that smells nice,

hold it and then they'll gradually
roll over, like a dog would.

I did, yeah.

But I didn't and I was cutting
the hair off and then the moment

I stopped cutting it,
this voice jumped off the shoulder

telling me how right I was and
another voice jumped on and went...

.."You're fucking mental."
THEY LAUGH

"You're absolutely crackers!

"What are you going to do now?"
And I was then... Oh.

..having gone from a proper like,

"No, absolutely I'm in my right
to do this." I went into the most...

I can't explain it, it was
like the longest night of my life.

Because there's nothing you can do,
there's nothing you can do.

There's hair everywhere.
You can't put it back.

You can't retract that. Could you
manage to get the hair away?

I was doing it... Yeah, that
was all right. So you could...

He might wake up and you could
look at him? Shh! Listen, listen.

Go on. Listen.

Listen!

Go on, sorry. Yeah, but...

Just had an idea. Before, no, no.

I was ahead of you.
The first thought I had was...

..just pack up your stuff and go,
just pack up your stuff and go.

Never see him again. Never come
back. Never come back, that was it.

Didn't quite, you know,
I'm not going to do that.

I waited, I couldn't go
back to sleep and I waited

and I watched the sun come up
that morning and I just thought,

"Oh, my God, I've really...

"It's a terrible thing
what I've done,

"it's actually quite a terrible
thing." And when he woke up,

I was thinking... Fucking nutcase!

No, I know. I know!

I know, it does sound like it.

I'd just like to say,

she puts people's pubic hair
on her face, all right?

So, let's set a bar.
I have their permission!

No, I know!

I can't say it's a good thing.
It wasn't even cathartic until...

You know, so I have to wait for him
to wake up and I was thinking,

"All right, you've just got to
say straight away...

"..before he looks in the mirror,
all right, I've got to tell him."

He woke up and I was so petrified,
words couldn't come out.

I mean, I was stuck to my spot.

And I watched him,
in like slow motion

go to the bathroom,
look up, and I...

And he looked up again and
he was like grabbing at his hair.

And I thought he was going
to have a heart attack.

And I was about to say...

.."OK, erm, I did that last night."
And he went, "What the fuck?

"What's happened to my hair? Fuck."
And he was still quite bleary-eyed.

"What the fuck's
happened to my hair?

"The fuck has happened to my hair?"

And I was about to say it was me,
and I said,

"I don't know,
you came home like it last night!"

THEY LAUGH

Right? And... Exactly what I was
going to suggest. And he said...

.."I what?"

And I went, I thought, "You've got
to hold your nerve now, love."

I went, "You came home
like that last night." And he went,

"I'm a mad bastard, aren't I?"
THEY LAUGH

No fine for me, officer!

I imagine you had a bag of hair
behind your back?

"Looking for this?" Yeah!

And I've never done that again.
SHE LAUGHS

Well, he's here tonight. Yes!

Do you know, he doesn't know?
Oh, really?

He knows now.
No, he doesn't know.

Brilliant, brilliant.

But that will give you
some early-morning anxiety.

We should stop, we should stop.
They've told me we should stop.

What, talking? Some of the people
from the audience

probably been thinking it
for a while. Dave.

We have to think of the title.

I'm just writing down A Clacker-Free
Zone because... Yeah, yeah.

There's a few others. I Thought
They Were All Orphans, I quite like.

That's quite good. Yeah.

But it turns out they were,
pre-1967!

I've written down Catherine's Muff.

Note to self. Yeah.

In the column that says highlight of
the evening. That's this, isn't it?

Catherine's Muff, yeah.

We'll put that on the website.

We're In Polite Company
So Please Use The Word Clacker.

That was a personal favourite.

Anyway, listen.
Thank you very much, all of you.

Please will you thank
my guest Bryony Kimmings.

Milton Jones.

Ainsley Harriott.

Catherine Tate.

My name's Alan Davies

and you have been watching
A Clacker-Free Zone.

Subtitles by Ericsson