Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Don't Know If It Was the Embarrassment or The Narcotics But I Have a Nosebleed - full transcript

ALAN DAVIES AS YET UNTITLED 01
CTO N219D/82
BF000000

Give me a letter and I'll kill you.

Oh, hello. I've got a summons
for a Mr A Davies.

I'm the show's token non-national
treasure, so it should be good.

Hi! I'm getting myself ready
for a nice chat.

APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Alan Davies.
Welcome to my show.

This is As Yet Untitled, the show
without any agendas or topics or
lists of things to say or intro.

But we do have some guests
who are going to help me

come up with a title for the show
by the end of the evening -
its sole ambition.

So please will you welcome
my guests.



CHEERING

Here they are!

Welcome, all of you.
Thank you for coming.

So we have Alex Edelman here.

Alex Edelman was THAT far
from punching President Obama
in the face.

Alex Edelman.

CHEERING

Sandi Toksvig. Welcome to Sandi.

Sandi Toksvig isn't as posh
as you might think

and just isn't very good with faces.
Sandi Toksvig.

CHEERING

Stephen Fry. Welcome, Stephen.

Stephen Fry is often distracted
by neighbours popping in

and has his own take
on Blur versus Oasis.



CHEERING

And Sara Pascoe.
Sara Pascoe is bad at speeding

and has a confession about tickles.

I'm delighted to have you. This is
the first time ever I've had a pen.

So this is a new development.

Because we're trying to find
a title for the show

and I can never remember any of the
remarkably good ideas that come up.

So now it's my job to remember
to write them down.

So, actually, it's two things
to remember. It's going to make it
more difficult for me.

How are you, Alex? Good. What's
that? This is an Old Fashioned.

What's in that? Whisky and shit.

It's so funny.

If you say it like that, it's fine.

But if you said,
"Whisky and shit"...

Bleurgh! But "Whisky and shit"
is fine.

"Whisky and shit" - terrible.

That's a very different... That's
a much more old-fashioned drink.

I had a Blow Job once.
I beg your pardon?

Which was... It's a shot...

Like a sort of a brown...
Looks like Baileys.

And there's some squirted cream
on top, and the idea is you drink it
without using your hands.

It's like a Buttery Nipple...
You just go...

I just remembered the worst blow job
I ever had.

It was fantastic!

How did we get here so quickly?
Sorry about that!

I thought within 15 minutes,
but seriously,
this is a land speed record!

I used to work in a cocktail bar
and how immature people are about
the names gets dull really quickly.

Because to you every day,
they're just words.

A Long Slow Comfortable Screw
Up Against The Wall is one.

Sex On The Beach.

This kind of thing. People asking
and they think it's really funny.

I work in a bar.
My wife used to work in a bar.

A guy came in and without looking at
her said, "JD and Coke, four of."

"Four of?" Yes. Where was the
bar - Essex? Somewhere in the City.

It was in the City, was it?
Was he wearing a pink shirt?

I hate those guys. Already
I hate him. I hate him as well.

I tell this story to other people
so they will hate him.
I don't know who he is.

Who goes around saying,
"JD and Coke, four of"?

We must hunt him ruthlessly down.

Someone at home will know
who you're talking about.

How long did you work
in a cocktail bar?

Well, I got sacked, actually.

Cos I was giving away free drinks
to my cousin.

Apparently...that's theft.

Was it actually your cousin? Yeah.

Just if you'd lied as well...
Just a stranger!

It's just a relative!

Were you actually a cocktail
waitress? Do you know how to do
a John Collins?

They trained you, so we had to go
away on coaches to other bars
and be taught.

No-one wants someone to make them
a cocktail after looking at a menu

and going, "OK, yeah. Half of that.
Hang on! Hang on.

"Has anyone seen
the peach schnapps?"

Best cocktail recipe ever is
Noel Coward's recipe for a martini.

You pour a large amount of gin
in a glass and you wave it
in the general direction of Italy.

This is name-dropping
of the worst kind,

but the Prince of Wales, as far as I
know, has one joke, which he tells.

AS PRINCE CHARLES: If you're flying
over the South Pacific or something,

you're likely to be downed on a
desert island, so always make sure
whenever you travel

you have a hip flask
and a small bottle of olives

and some gin and some vermouth.

So when you land on this island,
your plane breaks down,
you're alone, all alone.

And if you just stand
in a jungle clearing

and you start to make yourself
a martini,

you can guarantee, within seconds,
someone will jump out of a tree
and say,

"That's not the proper way
to make a martini!"

APPLAUSE

So, Alex...it's very difficult
not to begin with you
and President Obama.

I love President Obama. I now feel
like I need to say that!

I was working for a baseball team
in Los Angeles...

As a baseball player? No.

I was working in public relations,
but a just as essential
part of the team.

Did you have to get in the showers
with them afterwards?

No, we weren't that lucky.

One day they said, "You can't leave
during lunch. Just so everybody
knows." I was like, "What?!"

"You can't leave because Marine 1
is landing in the parking lot.
Security's locked down the stadium."

And, um...so of course, so I walked
out to see the President land.

And he lands and they say,
"There'll be a receiving line
when he comes back."

And the problem is, I really...

I have, um, intrusive thoughts,
like a lot of normal people.

Like, if I'm on a train platform and
the train starts to come, the voice
in the back of your headis like,

"Don't jump!" It's like,
"Why would I jump?"

That's everybody.
Apparently, it's monkey brain,
in terms of your primate brain,

which is used to you jumping
from thing to thing.

When you're somewhere high or
there's a gap, your brain is going,
"Do you reckon you can do it?"

So that is everyone.

But do most people have this
when the President's coming down
a receiving line?

That part of my brain was like,
"When he gets to you,
don't punch him in the face."

And I was like...

It's super weird to begin with, cos
receiving lines are so artificial.

You wait behind a velvet rope
and the dignitary comes down
and shakes...

It's like a reverse Madame Tussauds.

And I'm standing next to the girl
I was seeing at the time,

and that voice is like,
"Don't punch him."

I'm like, "I'm not gonna punch him.
Let's make a list -
pros and cons of punching."

I'm so nervous, I'm actually saying
to myself, "Don't punch him!"

And my girlfriend just sees my face
and goes,

"Alex, don't do anything crazy."

And I go, "Why would I do
anything crazy?"

And he gets to me...
Security's like that...

But I was just terrified,
and he gets to me and she's like...

She knows something. She cleared
out to make room for the snipers.

And...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

He puts out his hand and he goes,

"Wow! Firm handshake."

And like a lunatic, I just went,
"You have no idea."

Oh, my!

Magnificent! No, it's awful.

But why would it occur to you to...?
Just because...

Have you never been at a wedding
and had to stop yourself
from shouting out,

"Titty, titty, titty!"

Or something like that? No?

No. I just want to see how badly
you can screw things up
for yourself.

When John Bayley married
Iris Murdoch,

they were going down the aisle
in Christ Church, Oxford,

and a don called across the aisle
to a friend in the loudest whisper
anybody ever heard,

"Of course you know
I've had them both?"

I fell very deeply in love with him
and decided

to win him into loving me
by pretending I was also gay.

Stephen, the neighbours popping in.

Yes, this is...
Well, it's name-dropping
of the worst kind again.

But I have a house in Norfolk

and had a houseful, that particular
winter, of guests, friends.

Not a euphemism? No.

And I was one morning
making eggs benedict,

a thing I pride myself on.
The hollandaise takes a bit of
concentration.

The phone rang, so I pick it up
rather testily.

"Yes? What?"

AS PRINCE CHARLES: "Can I speak to
Stephen Fry, please?"

"Yes, this is he. What, who, what?"

"This is the Prince of Wales."

And this little creature in my head
sent a message to my lips to say,

"Oh, fuck off, Rory!"

Oh, no! No!

It's a very strange thing
when it is the real person. However
good an impressionist you may know,

something tells you
that IS the real person.

So another part of my brain
sent a message to overtake
the first message,

"Hello, sir.
How nice to hear from you."

He said, "I thought
I might come for tea."

"Oh...well, lovely, yes, absolutely.
Did you have a day in mind?"

"Yes, New Year's Day."

So that was sort of sorted.

Went to the hallway
and shouted up the stairs,

a bit like Rik in The Young Ones,
"House meeting!"

And, er...er...

People sort of doing up
dressing gowns appeared at the top
of the stairs and said, "What?"

I said, "The Prince of Wales,
Prince Charles, is coming for tea
on New Year's Day."

"So the lot of you can ... off!"

They all went, "Oh, bollocks!" They
didn't believe me at all, of course.

And it wasn't until a green
Range Rover with a couple of figures
in tweed jackets

and a lot of dogs... They
checked out the place was secure.

By this time, everybody believed
he was coming.

And then... Well, I wish
you could have seen Rowan Atkinson
vacuuming the carpet.

Looking like Freddie Mercury
in I Want To Break Free!

Desperately tidying up,

and then Hugh Laurie
took a photograph of him,
because it was just so hilarious.

He was very tidy. Everybody else
started tidying.

All of us quite progressive,
bien pensant figures,

who don't necessarily buy into the
whole British establishment thing,

getting all excited.
Childish of us, but we did.

To cut a long story short,
after Rowan had come back...

I think he'd gone to a garage,
which was the only thing open
on New Year's Day.

..and got a box of fig rolls.

Fortunately, I had got cakes and tea
and buns and honey and things.

So the doorbell goes and everybody
skedaddled like cowards.

Um...and I opened the door

and he gave the immortal lines,

"I hope you don't mind -
I brought my wife."

Princess Diana stepped forward,

looking at me under her lashes
in that way that she had
like nobody else.

"Hello, Stephen."

And, um... Went in, like that.

My friend Hugh Laurie was there
with his son Charlie, who was about
two years old, I think.

He was pottering around,
being very well-behaved.

Everybody else was kind of
on their best behaviour.

They became relaxed
and very good fun.

But Charlie went up and turned the
television on, as children often do.

His mother shouted, "Charlie!"

The Prince of Wales went,
"What, what, what?"

But it was pretty good.
When they left, I remember
she looked at me and said,

"I'm sorry we're leaving early,

"but it's Spitting Image tonight."

She said, "They hate it.

"I LOVE it!"

And there you have her in a
nutshell. By saying that to me, she
was putting me in her power, really.

Putting herself in my power,
rather,

because I could have called up
any newspaper and said,

"Princess Di
likes Spitting Image,"

who were at the time hated
by a lot of people for making fun of
the Royal Family.

So she kind of makes you her slave.

Anyway, it was very extraordinary.
Amazing!

Imagine Rowan Atkinson
going to the garage!

"What you got fit for...?"

I can't imagine him hoovering
without it being like Mr Bean.

HE MUMBLES LIKE BEAN

Have you always been able to mimic?
Were you able to mimic as a child?

Yes, I did schoolteachers
and things.

Yes, the classic way, I suppose.

But over the years, the list of
people you can do is really...

Oh, thank you! It's amazing.

What is it you pick on?
Is it a quirk? Is it a...?

I don't really consciously...

I think it's in conversation
when I'm being someone,

the voice patterns will take over,
or they won't.

If they do, I suppose...
Who does you best?

Hugh actually does me very well.
Does he? He does, annoyingly.

He can't do anyone else!

I bet you're being modest. I bet
you can do pretty much anyone.

I remember I met Stephen
once before and I asked
what your blind spot was.

Like, your knowledge blind spot.
Do you remember what you said? No.

You said, "The songs of R Kelly."

So, between Stephen Fry and myself,
we know everything.

You know all of R Kelly's songs?

I'm pretty well-versed in R Kelly.

Can I ask a question?
Who is R Kelly?

He's an R&B, um...
He's an R&B singer.

I think there's some words which
should go in front of "R&B singer".

Very out of fashion now...

How dare you?!

R&B singer? Also, he got in
lots of trouble for...

Let's separate the man
from the music!

The things famous men get in trouble
for, he got in trouble for that.

He said, "JD and Coke, four of."

That's finished it!

Now, Sara, bad at speeding?

Speeding as in driving your car?
I feel awkward with this story now

following the story
that's just happened.

You will find out why
when this story finishes. OK.

When I was 14, I was very naughty,
and my mum was out of the house
with her boyfriend, David,

and I had a party.

I hadn't wanted one. A friend of
mine said I should have a party,

because there was this boy
and I wanted to kiss him
and I hadn't kissed a boy yet.

So this was her masterplan
that I'd get to kiss him.

So she invited everyone from school.
Everyone from school hated me
and they trashed my house.

That's the back-story. So my
punishment was I had to join this
local drama club in the church hall.

So I went to this drama club
and it was the best thing that ever
happened to me

because I met people
outside of school.
I found people with interests.

There was a guy who played piano
there and his name was Simon.
He was 37 and he was a homosexual.

I fell very deeply in love with him
and decided to win
him into loving me

by pretending I was also gay.

And so, um...
Wait - I've spotted a flaw.

No, hang on.

So my plan was I would now
get to talk to him about it

and he'll help me come out and
accidentally fall in love with me.

I was very young.

So, er...

There's still time.

Yeah, I'm playing the long game...
if you're watching.

So, um...he was a very kindly man

and so one of the things that he did
to help me to come out
is take me gay clubbing.

So that's where I would meet
my women.

And I... Then when we got to this...

I knew I'd seen you before.

And so when we got there...
Everyone was much older than me.

So then they got out speed

in little wraps, to do in the queue
before going into this gay club.

And I was so busy about pretending
to be gay that I thought this
was just part of it.

So they said, "Just put it
on your gums," and I did.

So I was 16 years old,
in a gay club. They all left me -
they were all doing other things.

I'd never been on my own before.

I remember dancing on my own
at the top of a stairwell

and kind of going, "You know what?
It's gonna be OK, actually."

I spent my whole life feeling very
physically constrained and very
embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Suddenly, no-one cared
how I was dancing.

I was invisible and I was among
other people.

And also, I was coming up on...
It wasn't necessarily the drugs,

but humanity and the future of being
an adult. I was really starting
to get into my dance moves

when the DJ turned the music down
and put the lights up and said,

"Look, everybody. Look at that girl.

"She's dancing like something out of
Jurassic Park."

What?! Yes. And then the music...

And I don't know if it was the
embarrassment or the narcotics,

but I started having a nosebleed.

So I had to go home.
I couldn't wait for these people.

But when I got home, I couldn't
sleep, because I was too awake,

so I spent 45 minutes writing
a really scribbled diary entry

with all my thoughts and feelings
for the future.

And so I'd probably been in bed...

I don't think I went to bed -
I think it was on the sofa.

..for about 10 minutes, 15 minutes.
I was just about to go into
deep sleep

when my mum woke me up.
She was screaming and crying.

She was distraught. She was saying,
"Princess Diana has died!"

And so can you see why I thought
it was my fault?

I always felt there was something
I could have done.

And so I never took drugs again.

Ever? No, never.

Wow! Because that was such...
A tale to enlighten.

It was like the world was saying
to me, "Bad things will happen."

It was like I was being punished
for something.

Such a warning. Oh, wow!

When Princess Diana died,
I was like...

I was a child, and we went to some
wedding in Connecticut

and my mother, uh...my mother loved
Princess Diana.

She's not a celebrity person, but
she loved Princess Diana. I remember
walking into the hotel room

and I had dropped cake on, uh...
I dropped cake at the wedding.

Is that a drug thing?

Really good presumption!

I dropped some wedding cake
and I had swept it under the table
with my foot. Of course.

I walked back in the hotel
and my mother was crying
and I thought, "She knows."

But...

..she explained what had happened
and I was so relieved, I went...

I was a child, so I had no tact.
"You didn't even know her!"

My mother went, "Go to your room!"

I was doing News Quiz
that week on Radio 4.

I remember we were told, strictly
speaking, not to mention it.
There was nothing else in the news!

So we were trying our best
with stories nobody had heard
anything about.

This is a programme about making
jokes about current affairs.

And so the great Linda Smith, one of
the funniest women of all time,

said, "Can I just say
there's an elephant in the room?

"Can I just say I'd like to say
something about Princess Diana?

"I felt sorry for her.
So thick and yet so thin."

I mean, it was never broadcast...

So there is an American comedy story
about something that WAS broadcast.

It was a comedy show
about the differences
between America and the UK.

There is an opening monologue.
It was filmed a few days
before it aired.

And during the monologue,
the host said,

"You guys have lifts -
we have elevators.

"You guys have pavements -
we have sidewalks."

"You guys have Princess Di -
and we wish she would."

GASPS

Yes. And that was filmed a few days
before it aired. But guess
what happened in between?

I took some speed and made her die.

So I had my photo taken. We're both
drinking champagne, looking chummy.

And a week later,
Ian McKellen phones me and says,

"I didn't know
you knew David Hockney!"

Sandi, why are you not good
with faces?

Is it anybody's face or...?
Oh, darling, I'm hopeless
at remembering anybody famous.

I'm really rubbish
at remembering famous people.

I just don't have the facility
for it.

And I've had so many occasions...

I'm not having a drink now,
but I do like to have a drink.

And very occasionally,
I end up what the press insist
on calling "pissed".

What I prefer to term
as "tired and emotional".

And I was once in New York
with the great Mike McShane.

Wonderful American comic
and improviser.

And we got very tired and emotional.

And we persuaded
one of those horse and buggies
that go round Central Park

to take us to our hotel,
which was a place on 82nd Street.

And it's not what these characters
are supposed to do.

They're suppose to go round
Central Park. We were,
"Go on - take us home!"

So Mike and I - SO drunk! - arrive
at this extremely expensive hotel

and Mike has conceived the notion
he wants a picture with the horse.

So we get the man who is trying to
get us off...

And this guy's going into the hotel.

Mike says, "Come here!
Take a picture of me
and my friendly horse!"

So we have pictures taken with
the horse, and we're so grateful
to this man, Michael says,

"You should be in the picture!
Come here!" So there's the man
who's taken the picture,

and the horse and me
and Mike McShane, taken by the
driver of the horse and carriage.

This is in the days when
photographs had to go through Boots
for a short while.

So you had to go to the chemist
to get your photographs back.
Sounds terrible!

So about a week later,
Mike phoned me and said,
"Sandi, I got the pictures back."

He said, "You know the guy
with the horse?" I said, "Yes?"

He said, "It's Lionel Richie."

I mostly have no idea who...

I don't have any idea.

Why is Lionel Richie doing rides
round the park?

That is the confusing part
of that story!

You do expect to see people
in certain places.

If it was a pottery class,
Lionel might be there.

Is it you simply don't know
what these people look like,

or that you have
prosopagnosia - face blindness?

I don't know. I'm fine with my
family. I remember all my children.

Well, that's good.

I remember going to Ian McKellen's
birthday party

and I didn't realise it was being
sponsored by Hello magazine -

a magazine I've never in my life
looked at, even when I'm desperate.

They said, "Would you have
your photograph taken
with another guest?"

I was introduced to a man
in a crumply suit with glasses

and I thought it was Alan Bennett.
I didn't hear what they said.

We're both drinking champagne,
looking chummy.

A week later, Ian McKellen phones me
up and says,

"I didn't know you knew
David Hockney!"

That's fair enough, isn't it? Yes.

You could have a stab at
that might be Hockney.

They're both from Yorkshire.
One from Leeds, one from Bradford.

Glasses? Yes.

So, Stephen Fry, Blur and Oasis.

Yes. I made it clear - I didn't
mean to sound nasty about it -

but rock and roll music
is not really my thing.

Do you understand what this means,
Alex? Yeah, of course I do.

In '94, you had these two bands
who were massively popular.

They weren't really rivals,
but it was kind of built up...

It was the number one story
on the Six O'Clock News on the BBC.

So, anyway, this is shameful

and doesn't paint me
in any particularly good colours,

but I was a bit of an habitue
of the Groucho Club in London
when it opened.

I used to play snooker there
every day

with a variety of people, because it
was a time of a little of what was
horribly called Cool Britannia.

Damien Hirst, for example,
the artist...

And he and his fellow Young British
Artists were big at the time.

And I remember going in
one afternoon,
beautiful sunny afternoon,

and there were two quite
spectacularly good-looking young men
sitting at the bar,

looking a bit nervous.

Now, I'm a very self-conscious
club member. I think a club
should be sociable -

it's about being nice to people
and being welcoming.

So I went up to them and said,
"Hello!"

And they went, "Hi."

I said,
"Are you enjoying yourselves here?
I haven't seen you here before."

They went, "No, we've not been
here before."

I said, "Well, people mock it
who aren't part of it.

"They think it's all sneery
and posey, but it's actually
a very friendly place.

"I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Let me buy you drinks.
What would you like?"

So I bought some drinks. I said,
"Why don't you join the club?"

They said, "How do you do that?"

I said,
"Well, I think I can help."

So I went out into reception and
said, "Get me two proposal forms."

Being a club, you have to be
proposed by a member.

So I got two proposal forms and
popped them down on the bar. I said,

"OK, I'll fill in these bits here.

"What do you do?
It's asking what..."

One of them said, "Musician."

"Musician - jolly good! And you?"
"Musician."

"Musician! Both musicians.
Very nice.

"Are you in work?
Are you in a symphony orchestra,
or what sort of...?

He said, "No. We have a band."

"Oh! How nice to have a band.
That's lovely. So what's your name?"

He says, "Damon Albarn."
"Damon Albarn."

"OK, Damon...Albarn? I've written
All Bran - I'm sorry!

"Silly me! That's it.

"Albarn. There we are.

"Does your band have a name? Is it
the Rocking somethings or...?"

He said, "Blur." "What?" "Blur."

"Bleurgh?!"

"Oh, Blur as in blurry? OK, Blur.

"And your name's Alex...what? James?
Alex James, all right.

"There we are. Pop that down.
You can be members."

I found someone else to second it
and they became members.

I introduced Alex James into the
dark ways of the snooker room.

And we were playing snooker
one evening...

Damien Hirst, Alex, Keith Allen.

And this man comes up
the back stairs.

Like this.

And I'll try and moderate
my language here!

But this is the nicest way
of saying it.

NORTHERN ACCENT:
"You're all wankers!

"You're all wankers, you. Wankers!"

And he took a billiard cue...
You know, snooker cue.

..and rammed it up into the ceiling,
like that.

"Wankers!"

And went downstairs again.

I still felt a bit proprietorial
about the club
and so I said to Alex James,

"I'm awfully sorry. This doesn't
normally happen at the club.

"Obviously someone's come in
off the street and..."

And Alex said, "It's all right."
He got a pen out and wrote round it,

"Liam Gallagher did this"

on the mark on the ceiling.

And that was the battle of Blur
and Oasis as I remember it.

Did that mark stay there
for some time?
For a very, very long time indeed!

It's one thing to hear about
punk rock,

but putting a snooker cue through
the roof of a private members-only
club, that really drives it home!

One of the best things I saw in the
Groucho was the manager, Liam...

Liam Carson, he was called.
Nothing to do with Liam Gallagher.

I was sitting with him at one end
and someone from reception came up

and said, "This tramp's come in
and we don't know what to do."

Now, of course, you have a club
like the Groucho Club
in the middle of Soho...

Soho's a wonderful part of London
and it will have street people
and sometimes they'll wander in.

And Liam said, "I'll deal with it."

And I thought,
"I wonder how he deals with it?
It'll be really interesting."

So I followed him out to the
reception area and I could see this
man. I could just see the stubble

and this big old coat -
looked a wreck of a coat.

And out came Liam, and Liam said,

"So, Mr Pacino, how can I help you?"

It was Al Pacino.

And the receptionist was going...

He did look a mess. He had eyes
like pissholes in the snow and...

HE GRUNTS
Like that.

He was in Marathon Man,
wasn't he, with...?

No, that was Dustin Hoffman.

I love that story!

About him staying up all night...
The William Goldman story?

Laurence Olivier is gonna torture
him... In the dentist's chair.

And he's being kept awake,
so he decides to stay awake.

Because his character has been awake
all night, so he as an actor
should stay awake all night.

So he comes on set, having not slept
for two whole nights, looking
an utter ruin, an utter mess.

Olivier says, "My dear fellow,
what's the matter?"

And Dustin says, "Well, my character
hasn't, you know...

"He hasn't slept,
so I've not slept."

He said, "Oh, my dear, dear darling!

"You should try acting -
it's so much easier."

APPLAUSE

I've heard that version,
where he gets the last laugh.

But the second version, he says,
"My dear boy..." Very pretentiously.

"My dear boy, why don't you try
acting?" Then Dustin Hoffman, cos he
hasn't slept for two days, goes,

"Fuck off, you limey prick!"

Well, that's possible!

Did you ever meet William Goldman?

He's a friend. Is he?
We've met each other regularly.

Because I had the weirdest
experience when I was 18 years old.

I went to a bagel place in New York
and I was sitting there
with my then girlfriend,

and we hadn't got any money and we
wanted to look around New York.

This can only happen in New York -
where the rich and the not-so-rich
will sit in the same place,

eating at the same place. This woman
leant over and said, "I have a car.
Would you like my car?"

We went, "Yeah!" We went outside.

She had a chauffeur and a limo
and she gave us the chauffeur
and the limo

for the entire afternoon,
and it was William Goldman's wife.

I've never forgotten it. It was one
of the kindest things I've ever had.

I think it was about...eight,
seven years ago,

when Twitter was just gaining
what's horribly called traction.

He had heard about this and had
heard about my connection with it

and said, "What's all this
Twitter stuff?"

I took my phone out and said, "Can I
tweet that we're having dinner?"

"Sure - whatever that means."

I said, "Having dinner with the
wonderful screenwriter William
Goldman. Any messages for him?"

And I said, "I'm going to press
send now."

At that time, I only had, like,
three or four million followers.

Sorry!

STEPHEN LAUGHS
And, er...

And, er...

Anyway, within seconds, people were
replying with... The most common one
was "Inconceivable!"

Which is the line from Princess
Bride. "Inconceivable!"

And I was going, "There you go -
inconceivable. There's one here...

" 'Who are those guys?'
From Butch Cassidy.

" 'Follow the money,
from All The President's Men.' "

And he was so funny.
He looked and went...

"Where are they?

"Where is this coming from?"

I said, "They're from all over.

"They could be from Germany,
Australia, America,
round the corner..."

"How did it get in there?!"

He was really puzzled.

There's salmon in the fridge
for Sara Pascoe!

Sara Pascoe is being neutered today!

Sandi, you seem to me quite posh.

Hmm. You do seem quite posh.

No. But you're not posh?
Not in the slightest.

It's that terrible thing of having
the accent and not the money.

I grew up all over the world. My
father was a foreign correspondent
for Danish television.

I say that like we had many!
He was THE foreign correspondent.
We just had the one.

So I grew up in Africa
and mostly in New York.

Were both parents Danish?
No, my mother's English.

My father's passed away now,
but we spoke Danish at home.

So most of my growing-up
was in New York

and I had a very thick
New York accent.

And then I got thrown out of...
What kind of New York accent?

CLIPPED NEW YORK ACCENT: Sure.
I talked like that.
What's your trouble?

What's your problem? Brooklyn
accent? I had a Brooklyn accent.

In fact, I was confirmed... Because
she used to speak to Lionel Richie.

Before she forgot who he was!

So I got thrown out of three
American schools in a row,

which is quite a lot. What for?
The accent.

I think mostly it was
a misunderstanding.

Particularly the last one.
Apparently, you're supposed to be
there every day.

At what ages were you expelled?

So, 12, 13, 14, I got thrown out.

I found school really boring.
I remember Mrs Baxter, who was
our English teacher. She said,

"This year, class, we're gonna be
reading Catcher In The Rye.
This is very exciting."

She handed out copies
of Catcher In The Rye.

I went home and read it and prepared
to talk about it.

I didn't realise we were going to
read it one word at a time all year.

And I thought, "Well, I'll come back
when they've read it."

So boring!

And the last school, my parents went
to a PTA meeting...

Which is very odd.
They'd never done that before.

And they couldn't find a teacher
who knew me.

So the game was up.
So I got sent to British
boarding school when I was 14.

I'd never lived in Britain before.

I arrived with a very thick New York
accent. So your parents were still
in New York? Yes.

They flew me over to go to a school
that they didn't even visit.

They just picked one.

Did you ever think about being a fly
on the wall while they were having
that conversation?

Did they discuss it with you?
They didn't. I think they picked
the one with the highest walls.

It was a terrible school!

"Let's just send her over there!"

So I arrived, and I remember
meeting... Matron opened the door.

She said, "Good afternoon."
I said, "Oh, hi! I'm Sandi.
What's your name?"

"I'm Matron."
"What - is that your first name
or last name? How's that work?"

And then at the next school... Yeah!

So that was instant love.

Because I had an American accent,
the girls did something...

They sent me somewhere I'd never
even heard of, which is Coventry.

For the first six weeks I lived in
the UK, nobody spoke to me.

I mean, nobody... I'm fine.

And we didn't watch television at
school, but one night we were shown
a film in the hall

and it was Brief Encounter.
A wonderful film with Celia Johnson
and Trevor Howard.

The best! I knew by then
I had to change my accent,

and so I thought,
"I'm going to speak like that."

That is why I sound like
I'm trapped in a black and white
film. But it is...

It's fake. It was because I couldn't
bear for people not to speak to me.

Is your inner monologue the same
voice or in a New York accent?

When I'm tired, I speak with
an American accent.

Do you dream in Brooklyn-ese or,
like...?

I don't know. I think of home
as New York

and I still have great friends
from the time when I was at...

I didn't know anybody from school,
but other people
from the neighbourhood.

How many passports have you got?
Two. A British and Danish.
So not American? Not American, no.

My brother is British.

I was born in Denmark.
I have a Danish passport.

And my sister is American. And my
father always used to say it was a
good job he only had three children,

because one on four in the world is
Chinese and that would be confusing.

Sara... Yeah? Can you confess
about tickles? About tickles?

This is another story...
I do come out of this very badly,
but I was very young.

When I was 11... You killed
another Royal Family member? Yeah!

Yeah, Prince Philip.

Yeah, he's been dead for ages.

So when I was 11,

one of my jobs was that I would
collect the Family Allowance,

when is a small amount of
money you get from the Government
when you have a family.

I'd go to the post office
and collect it.

And on the way there, I would often
pop into the pet shop

and see what they had,
cos I really love animals.

And there was this day
when they had two kittens.

They'd never had kittens before -
it was usually mice or rabbits.
They had two kittens

and I plotted a plan...

..watertight,
that I would buy one...

Get one free.

It should have been that! It was
the days before those heady offers.

I went and collected my mum's money,
which was about £20,

and I spent it on a kitten.

And I got home and I told my mum
that I'd found this cat

meowing in a bush on the journey.

But at the same time,
the money had flown away.

But I'd got it from the pet shop.
She didn't believe me.

At that point,
I realised my mum was psychic.

Or had been watching me
with secret cameras.

There was a while
when I got really paranoid when
I'd done lots of naughty things

that I thought there could be these
invisible cameras which followed you
down the street.

Then I realised that
there definitely were.

How else would she know?
I called the cat Tickles.

Then my mum...
I now know what she did.

She asked around and found somebody
to take it, but she told me
that it had blown away.

Clever! Yeah.
So I had nothing left to say.

So, Sara, it's funny
that the cat's name is Tickles.

Cos my girlfriend's cat...

It's called Sara Pascoe, which is my
full name. Yeah, my girlfriend's cat
is called Sara Pascoe.

Alex goes out with one of my best
friends, Katherine Ryan, the most
amazing comedian in the world.

Her daughter, who I won't name,
is an incredible human being...

I don't know if she was trying to
wind her mum up
or what her angle was,

but they got a little male kitten
and she could name it,

and it's called Sara Pascoe -
has to be full name.

So Katherine's life is so weird now.
I get screen grabs of text going,

"There's some salmon in the fridge
for Sara Pascoe."

"Sara Pascoe
is being neutered today."

There's a way you're referred to
around the house. She's like, "When
do we get to see human Sara Pascoe?"

That's it! And you know
the Philip Pullman books,
the idea of having a Daemon?

Absolutely. The minute they named
a little boy cat, a little kitten,
Sara Pascoe,

something happened in me
where there's always a part of me
running over roofs.

I love it so much! Is it possible
this male kitten is channelling
your fake gay self?

Of course!

Of course.

It's poetic irony.

I love this!

It's so funny, cos I try really hard
with the kid, but she's like...

For instance, her mom sent me
to check on her to make sure
she was asleep.

I opened the door
and she was on her iPad.

And so I said, "Hey, I'm gonna tell
your mom that you're asleep.

"But she's gonna check
in ten minutes, so go to bed,"

thinking, "I've just scored some
good points with the kid."

I go back into my girlfriend's room
and told her what I said.

She's like, "Good job."

Nine minutes later,
she comes in rubbing her eyes,
"I had a bad dream!"

And we can't call her on it,
because then I'm in trouble.

The next day, my girlfriend's
brushing her daughter's hair

and her daughter just goes...

"Alex is nice."

And my girlfriend goes,

"Yeah."

And she says, "But he's a liar."

APPLAUSE

And my girlfriend says,

"What are you talking about?"
And she said,

"Well, when Alex told you
that I was asleep last night,

"I wasn't asleep."

My girlfriend says, "That means..."
Just like the blow-away thing.

"..that means when you came in
and said you had a bad dream,
you were lying."

And she just goes...

"Alex told me to say that."

Wow!

Do you know what we learn from this,
Alex? What?

Children are bastards!

APPLAUSE

You've been marvellous guests.
Thank you. We now have to come up
with a title for the show.

I liked the one with
"Titty titty tit tit".

I really loved that.

I do have "Titty titty titty"
written down.

I like "Children are bastards!"

I'm really pleased, because that's
also written on my list!

I've never had a list before.
This is exciting.

And the one about the horse as well.
Something with Lionel Richie.
Did you write those down?

I didn't write anything about
Lionel Richie. I wrote down "So
thick and so thin". I like that.

I wrote down "JD and Coke, four of."

I wrote down "I don't know if it
was the embarrassment or the
narcotics, but I have a nosebleed."

That might be the loveliest one
we've ever had. I like it a lot.

I like "Human Sara Pascoe".

Thanks, Alan! I like,
"Alex is nice, but he's a liar".

And I also like, "Of course
you know I've had them both?"

I've also got written down,
"I'm sorry, who is R Kelly?"

All really good.

They're all good titles.

Anyway, listen. Thank you so much.
Please will you thank
Alex Edelman...

Thanks so much.

CHEERING
..Sandi Toksvig...

CHEERING

..Stephen Fry...
CHEERING

..and Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING

Human Sara Pascoe.

My name's Alan Davies
and you have been watching

I Don't Know If It Was
The Embarrassment Or The Narcotics,
But I Have A Nosebleed.

Goodbye!

Subtitles by Ericsson