Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - A Penis Poking Through the Window - full transcript
Alan is joined by "The IT Crowd" stars Richard Ayoade and Katherine Parkinson,"The Simpsons" voice star Harry Shearer and comedian and writer Lou Sanders for more free-form chat.
ALAN DAVIES AS YET UNTITLED
CTO N225S/82
BF000000
I'm just going to change into my show
business clothes.
I can't walk in these heels.
Came for the weather, staying for
the food.
They said there was free crisps.
Clipped-off area.
APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies. Welcome to
As Yet Untitled.
This is the show that's completely
unprepared,
unscripted, unrehearsed, and
ill-considered.
We are looking for a title for the
show.
It's our sole ambition. I will have
four talented and very funny people
to help me do that.
So I'd better get them on. Please
will you welcome my guests?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome.
Right, team, I think you'll agree...
Let's see who we have.
We have Lou Sanders with us. Lou
Sanders is a life saver.
Wow.
That's Lou.
Welcome to Richard Ayoade. Richard
is actually really like this.
APPLAUSE
Katherine Parkinson. Welcome,
Katherine.
Katherine Parkinson is great at
faking it, and hasn't been invited
back on Saturday Kitchen.
And Harry Shearer, wonderful to have
you.
Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer has a
friend in Jesus.
Um...
It's great to have you here, Harry.
Thank you.
Normally, we have a bit of a
chitchat, but I'm going to say, from
the get-go,
you may not recognise Harry, because
he's mainly known for his voices,
but also, for Spinal Tap,
which is my...
I think...it's in anyone's top five
funny films?
It's great. It's tremendous.
Derek Smalls...? He wrote this.
ALAN LAUGHS
And my favourite bit that you did is
going through airport security
with the cucumber coming down your
trousers.
It was actually a courgette.
LAUGHTER
A cucumber is a bit too large and
warty for the desired appearance.
He wrapped it in tin foil, though.
Yes, he did.
Well, you know, I don't know if
you've been on stage
with a courgette or a cucumber in
your trousers, but...
..as you start sweating...
..you really want the protection of
the tin foil for the integrity of
the vegetable.
Right.
That's if you're planning on using
the vegetable later. Later.
Well, just for the desired effect.
That sets off the detector.
Yeah, and it was fairly prescient,
because when we made the movie,
there weren't a lot of metal
detectors at airports,
and a lot of incidents with metal
detectors at airports.
But of course, we live in a
different world now.
Yeah. You could get body mapped or
something.
Have you been made to stand in one of
those?
Oh, yeah. You don't know what is
happening to you.
I'm always picked out. Always?
Yeah. I have a very terrorising
face.
So they immediately siphon me off,
and...
..perform very invasive...questions.
Yeah... Have you tried staying in
there in the pose when they want you
to leave?
That's my relaxed pose. That's my
go-to pose.
Generally. In any situation, if I'm
called, I will immediately assume
I'm being arrested.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Have you been arrested?
I have yet to commit a crime.
But as soon as I do, I know they'll
swoop in.
They've been watching me.
My whole life. But, no, I haven't...
I don't know why - He's not going to
admit it on this, but you told me
about -
Which crime would you choose? Maybe
homicide.
LAUGHTER
The big one. Why screw around with
pretty crime?
Yeah.
Do you have someone in mind? It would
be a narrowing-down process.
Everyone could participate in the
selection.
I think everybody in show business
has a list.
Yeah. It's ever-changing, though,
isn't it? Yeah.
Ever-growing. Ever-growing, yeah.
Who was it this morning...?
When you wake up, who's the first
person you think of you want dead?
That'd be a good chat show.
Now, I've been supplied with a list
of the characters you do in the
Simpsons.
You're having a time.
We can talk about Abbott and
Costello,
Saturday Night Live. Spinal Tap.
BUT I need you to do Ned Flanders
before the end of the evening, so...
Timothy Lovejoy, Skinner...
Jebediah Springfield, one of my
favourites...
Kent Brockman.
This just in...
LAUGHTER
That's it. We could just cut, and
walk away.
Now, I last saw you, Harry, in Joe's
Pub in New York City
doing the show with your partner
Judith.
Judith Owen, yeah. Doing songs and
chat, and it was great.
But you had to get out of the way at
the beginning...
You had to do a bit of Smithers, and
a bit of Mr Burns.
(AS MR BURNS) Yes, I guess I did.
I love this!
I have to say - And the audience,
you say, "Look, tonight I'm not going
to be doing..."
And then you did all the Simpson's
voices.
Yeah. And then... Afterwards, the
show was fine and everything,
but people were..."Do some more of
that..."
The bane of your life? No, it's quite
amusing, because the expression you
made when I did that just sort of...
..spontaneously, shall we say,
is the same expression on the face
of a five-year-old,
and an 85-year-old.
It really is amazing, because...
you've been the mystery behind this
voice for most of them,
and it's just the discovery of the
person, it's like...
You see it on the face. It's fun.
Can you do "hi diddly-ho"? Can you
say that for us, please?
Okily-dokily.
Just save it. Just put it in...
Like, Katherine's your neighbour.
Just turn to her at one point, and
say it.
Everyone'll be happy.
Perhaps we could ask you about your
friend in Jesus?
Well...
When I was looking for inspiration
for voices from The Simpsons,
mainly I was listening to just
voices in my head,
and I didn't pick anybody that I
knew.
But I started running out of voices
in my head,
and so, for Reverend Lovejoy, I
harkened back
to a guy who was in the golden age
of televangelists in America.
There was a guy called Ernest
Angley.
Who spoke like this...
And...wore fairly...
fairly widely lapelled polyester
suits,
as was the fashion of the time.
And a nice fake hairpiece.
And did healings.
And so I was fascinated by him.
One day I actually went to see his
healing service at the Shrine
Auditorium,
which is a 5,000-seater auditorium
in downtown Los Angeles.
And first thing I remember is, he
gets to the microphone, and says,
"Anybody in the audience with sugar
diabetes?"
Because that's one of the ones he can
do.
Well, yeah. I thought...
Is there salt diabetes, suddenly,
that I didn't know about?
Apparently, that's a southernism in
the United States,
they specify it's not just diabetes
- it's sugar diabet-IS!
And his...
his MO was to give a big slap on the
forehead,
and send them down.
They were slain in the spirit when
he did that,
and then, "Anybody with hearing
problems please come up on the
stage."
I don't know how they knew to come
up on the stage...
LAUGHTER
What?! But they did.
And he had this really bizarre
thing, and I won't... Should I do it
to you?
Uh, yes. All right.
He put fingers in both ears.
I'm not going to actually do it. And
then yanked them out!
Oh ho! Suddenly...
And then walk over to their ear...
Jesus!
They would respond...(SLURS)
"Jesus!"
Baby! (SLURS)
And then he'd slap them on the
forehead, and they were healed.
Yeah, it was amazing. Did it work,
though?
It worked on me. I hear great.
So, it did work? No, no, no.
It's... Well, I don't know. I didn't
know any of the people.
Sounds like a man with just an
aggression problem.
Slapping everyone on the head. Yeah.
Diabetes seems like... I mean, would
they do an insulin test after the
slap?
How long do they wait for that to
kick in?
I have no idea. I didn't stick
around that long.
It seems very specific. Anyone with
congenital disease...
I'll heal you, and... Yeah.
I'm always interested to know
whether they actually believe what
they're doing,
or whether they're total charlatans,
and just tricking the audience.
It is a great question, isn't it?
I think that, like a lot of actors,
they probably are able to convince
themselves at the moment
that it's real.
When they go home, and take off the
fake hair...
I went to go and see a woman called
Sarah Eagleman.
Eaglewoman in LA, and I paid $350,
and she just wafted a feather around
me, and -
This is a one-on-one consultation.
Yeah, I paid a lot of money, and
um...
Happy to report that it was an
absolute rip-off.
LAUGHTER
What was she offering? What was the
service?
Living forever.
I'm still alive. It worked.
No, I think they just... Well, I am
into that kind of stuff.
Like, I have got a shaman.
I didn't want to talk about it.
Yeah.
I wanted to kind of appear really
normal.
The shaman is now making you talk
about it. Is that how this works?
We've all got shamans, don't worry.
But Sarah Eaglewoman, that, even for
me, I was like...
How did your Shaman feel about her?
Yeah, I'd been unfaithful.
No, he just laughed, because he's
only £57.
That is...
That's reasonable.
When I said, like, Sarah Eaglewoman
charges $350...
The rate went up. It did, actually.
I said, "You should put your price
up", because he is phenomenal.
Did you get to keep the feather? No.
£57?
That's such a strange amount.
No, it was £55, and then I said - He
put it up by £2?
He's a really nice guy.
Did you meet this guy in the '40s?
His increments of price are very
specific.
But what does he do? What does a
shaman do?
You'd have said no if he'd gone to
£58.
Would you have gone, "Hey..."? I'd
never say no to him. He's magical.
But he wouldn't say he was a shaman.
I think that's the difference.
Is he ashamed of being a shaman?
He's ashamed, yeah! No, I think -
Is he actually your solicitor?
He just sometimes goes off-piste.
What does a shaman do?
I really wish I'd been stronger in
my convictions, and not talked about
it.
Um, well...
He actually does craniosacral.
So he's rebalancing energy in the
body.
So let's move on. Who's got some...
LAUGHTER
I've only ever... I saw a mind
reader once years ago, because I
think it's all...
Not that... Horseshit.
And I was very heavily pregnant, and
the mind reader said,
"You're going to have a baby."
Was he shouting, "Leave me, leave
me!"?
I'll be honest, it was mixed
messages.
Now, Katherine Parkinson...
I really like your shoes. Thank you.
Can we see them? Oh!
Can you get them on the table?
Listen, I don't go out much at the
moment.
It's just a phase. very young
children. It WILL change.
But I bought these online, and I
thought,
"One day I'll get to wear them", and
tonight's the night, everyone.
And I can't walk very well in them.
Which is a shame, but I will get
them on the table, since you've
asked.
Look at that!
Wow!
And she's limber, too.
Oh! She can still get her foot on
the table after all these years.
Now, faking it. What sort of faking
it are you great at?
Yeah, I regret... Because the thing
is, Richard's here,
and I don't like to talk about rude
things in front of Richard.
Most people manage to tune me out. I
know...
Imagine I'm not here. It's what I'm
doing.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I just don't want you
to change your opinion of me,
because I think you think I'm sort
of quite Victorian.
I think you once described me as the
Princess Diana of comedy. Did you
say that?
Once before, when recording, which
meant a lot to me.
You said I was a ginger angel. Oh,
no, that was scripted.
OK. But also...
I also found that very touching.
Was I calling you Jen at the time?
Yes, you were, but it still meant a
lot.
Basically, I did a play. I've done
quite a lot of rudely named plays.
But without a lot of rude content,
actually, so my CV looks...a bit
fruity.
Quite racy. It does. I've got Deep
Throat Live on Stage. Wow.
But it wasn't what it said on the
tin at all.
It was extremely unrude, but it was
called that because it was about
Linda Lovelace.
I've got The Age of Consent, and one
of the plays I did was called Cock.
And it was actually a very...you
know...
It was a play on the word, because
it was like a cock fight,
but it was also a love triangle with
two men and a woman.
And I was the woman. And it was sort
of in a ring... Good casting. Thank
you.
And the audience were lit, but
because my mum, for a mother of
three, is insanely naive...
..about things,
I said it was called Cock-a-doodle
Doo,
because I couldn't quite bring
myself to say it's called Cock,
but they did come to see it, and it
was a piece
where you just did lots of chatting,
but you didn't do the actions,
so I had to walk in a circle and act
a climax.
I'm really embarrassed talking about
this.
So I had to sort of talk through a
climax - I've no idea what...
And I remember, because the audience
was lit, my dad was there,
and I remember going round,
just..."Don't lock eyes with my dad
at the crucial point",
and of course, when you don't want
to do something, you end up doing
it,
so right at the final bit I just
locked eyes, or stare into the face
of my father...
LAUGHTER
This is more of a traumatic memory
than an anecdote.
I remember apologising to my mum
afterwards, saying, "I'm really
sorry. That was so rude."
I said, "I was climaxing". She said,
"I just thought you were a bit
upset."
LAUGHTER
Was it quite When Harry Met Sally?
Did you really go for it?
Well, I think you have to do the
perceived kind of...
expectation of what that is.
The cliche climax. You have to do
the cliche climax,
because I'm sure lots of women do
all sorts of odd sounds.
I'm so sorry, Richard. I'm sure, you
know, there's kind of...
women who bark and things, but you
can't do that on stage
when there's no action, and people
won't know what's going on,
so I did a very generic -
I think you should have just barked.
I should have -
HE BARKS
That was excellent.
That's the only voice I can do,
Harry.
Was that good for you?
That's all I can do. I used to do it
in my stand-up.
A dog getting its paw caught in the
car door.
That's the only impression I can do.
It goes...
YELPS
It's very good, though. Yeah, very,
very good.
So, if you ever need that in The
Simpsons...
I'll make a call, I'll make a call.
A dog with its paw caught in the
door...
(AS SMITHERS) Sir, I think we have
the dog in the door.
LAUGHTER
Just when I'm not looking at him,
did you see what he did?
Am I off the hook now? Do that
again.
No, I did it once. I won't look, and
then he'll do it.
Sir, I think we have the dog caught
in the door.
LAUGHTER
(AS MR BURNS) Well, let him loose.
I'm stupidly excited by it.
It's really great having you here.
Lou, about you being a life saver.
Oh, yeah.
I saved... Don't worry about it. I
don't want to talk about it, but I
saved this guy!
I saved this guy's life. Yeah. Do
you want to hear more?
No, so, I was on a boat party.
And... Not one of the fancy ones.
Just some people that lived in a
boat.
So a narrow boat, canal boat kind of
a boat?
Yeah, like, in Battersea, and me and
this were like chirpsing each other.
And then - Sorry?
We're all a bit old around this
table.
I haven't been out for 15 years. Is
it a current word?
Chatting up. Oh, chirpsing.
I've never heard that before, have
you?
Ask her what chirpsing means as the
Principal.
LAUGHTER
I will not do so, sir.
(AS PRINCIPAL) What does chirpsing
mean?
Chatting up.
Flirting. We were flirting. You were
flirting. On the boat, or on the
bank?
On the boat, right. Having a drink,
flirting, and then I thought it was
going really well.
But at some point he made the
decision to jump into the Thames.
LAUGHTER
He was like... "Oh, I'm just going
to the toilet."
You make your excuses, so he jumped
in,
and I was like, "Oh, OK. Cool."
And then all his friends... Everyone
noticed there was a man overboard.
And everyone was just looking down.
"Oh, Andy's jumped in."
He's got like a gash. He's bleeding
from his head.
No-one's doing anything. Like,
they're just like, "Oh, dear."
So it's left to muggins here to jump
in and save the guy.
And also get a bit of attention, I
guess.
So, I jumped in.
I went... He's holding onto this
massive pole.
I'm trying to prise his hands off
the pole
to like get him to safety.
Sounds like he really doesn't want
to come back on the boat.
LAUGHTER
He can't believe that you followed
him in.
I think there were two incidents
saying he wants to leave.
The jump, and then clinging to pole.
I think it was the bad chirpsing.
Yeah.
Was he shouting, "Leave me, leave
me!"?
It was mixed messages. OK.
Because men sometimes don't know
what they want.
LAUGHTER
It sounds like he wanted to die.
What he wanted was me insisting that
he put his arms around me,
and doggy paddle him to safety.
He didn't know his own mind.
And he was very drunk. When I say
drunk, I mean on MDMA.
LAUGHTER
So I doggy paddled him to safety.
I'm going to write this down for a
title. "When I say drunk, I mean on
MDMA".
Yeah! Whenever you use the word
drunk, you mean that.
Yeah, OK. It does change things,
though. It does.
He's high. A lot of people get loved
up on MDMA.
But anyway, it doesn't matter. I
won't take it personally. I refuse.
I got him... I got him to safety.
Then I went to hospital with him. I
know I sound really bad.
He really couldn't shake you off,
could he?
I'd like to remind everyone I'm the
hero in this story!
But yeah, I did get him back by
going out with him for four months,
but...
And now we're married.
He was a bit crazy for me, so...
Yeah. He wanted to get naked all the
time.
LAUGHTER
I mean, not like... Obviously...
Sure.
I mean, obviously, if you're seeing
someone and they get naked, I'm on
board with that.
But...
He was... Although, oddly, he wasn't
on board.
LAUGHTER
No, he would... He was just a bit of
a character.
If you were playing cards, and he
was like, "Oh, let's do this naked."
Like in front of... There was quite
a few people.
That's disgusting. Disgusting, and
so I... Yeah.
He just wasn't for me, and also, I
stopped drinking, and it wasn't
really compatible.
When you say drinking, you mean
MDMA?
LAUGHTER
They had just dropped from
somewhere.
From Heaven.
They... Do they self-drop?
We want to know why you were not
invited back on Saturday Kitchen.
Again, this is less an anecdote,
more a painful recent memory.
I'm not sure if it is...
Saturday Kitchen is a morning show.
You know the one?
One of my wife's favourite shows.
Oh, is it? Along with Homes Under The
Hammer.
Yeah, it's meant to be a great show.
Hell of a show.
But there's a big surprise waiting
in the loo.
It is a great show.
Saturday Kitchen I did recently, and
I had, you know,
not long ago, had my second child,
and had just finished...
I feel like I shouldn't say breast
feeding in public. It's sort of
disgusting.
I'd just finished breast feeding.
It's erotic. Thank you.
And you will say it, and you will
describe it.
Sorry. Richard, I just think...
Are you all right? And so I hadn't
had alcohol for a long time, and my
tolerance perhaps was quite low.
It's filmed in the morning, and I
was offered sherry.
The last time I had sherry was at my
university interview with my very
eccentric tutor.
And I should have remembered that,
because the same thing happened.
I have a bit of a reaction to
sherry, it seems.
Anyway, the chef next to me, she
sort of sensibly sniffed her sherry,
and I necked mine.
(SLURRING) I was quite drunk.
And I basically asked them to cut my
food up for me.
I asked them to cut my food... I
thought I was being funny.
And honestly, I really let myself
down.
One of my brothers said... He
actually texted me and said,
"You should never go on television
again", so...
Are you banned?
Well, he's left the show, and it
might be because of my appearance on
the show.
I doubt that. Did you become loud,
and inappropriate?
I became really... Again, sorry,
Richard.
Really flirtatious, and you know...
Why do you apologise to Richard
every 90 seconds?
Because anything with a vaguely
sexual content, I have to apologise
to him.
Are you a virgin, Richard?
LAUGHTER
No, I am. With two children.
I mean, let's discuss this.
I mean, no, but...
I think my portrayal... I was
completely Daniel Day-Lewis all the
way through the IT Crowd.
I didn't break character. I'm still
trying to shake it off.
You had to leave him in the corner.
It's very hard for Katherine to know
me as the virile powerhouse I am in
real life.
LAUGHTER
So, a lot of this is about you
protecting what to YOU
was probably the most creatively
fulfilling time you'll ever have.
Working with me, and you know, just
trying to stay in that bubble, and
keep it real,
but it can't be real - I'm doing
just great stuff now.
Are you really actually like this?
I mean, I exist...
..is about all I can say at the
moment.
I... You know, I have a level of
social anxiety...
..that is relatively high.
So, I, well...
So, Graham Linehan who wrote The IT
Crowd, when he was casting it,
he said, "I've written a show with
you in mind.
It's for this incredibly nerdy,
socially awkward person,
with no people skills whatsoever."
You'd be perfect for it.
"I thought of you, and..."
I said, "OK...
Is there a voice you would want me
to do for this?"
He went, "No, just use your own
voice."
And I did not view myself that way.
I'm generally a sort of writer.
That's the international mime for
that.
And so I...
I thought that was the bill.
That was... I'm not paying. I'm just
signalling to my companion that I'm
a writer.
I have no intention of paying.
This is, "I'm a writer." Thank you.
We do not pay.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm like this,
but I...
I found out I may be more awkward
than I thought I was.
But then I never saw anyone,
because I was in my room a lot,
and it's fine not to speak when
you're on your own.
And to stammer, and to not have eye
contact.
But outside, it's frowned upon.
So... Going back to what you were
saying about having a persona,
I think there's an understanding
that you will easily go on shows
like that.
It's different, this, because I feel
very comfortable with you, and...
But you know, I sort of think that
there's an assumption
that you're going to quickly be able
to be yourself on television,
and promote the show, and I think I
probably necked sherry
partly because I get quite nervous
in that situation.
I assume that might get easier if I
ever get the opportunity
to go on some show again.
But that was again not an anecdote,
more a warning to myself
to not drink, and this is my second
drink.
Do you remember when we went to that
pole dancing club?
Not alone... Katherine, what kind of
life have you been leading off-set?
I feel like I don't know you.
Oh, no, Richard...
We were filming a television show in
Cardiff,
and we...we were all away from
home...
I don't remember filming a
television show at any point.
You remember the pole dance. I
remember! The whole thing was a
blur.
Oh, it was horrific. In Cardiff?
In Cardiff. We just went out all the
time.
And after a while...
The only time I've ever done that,
ever.
Were you leading a secret life all
the time we were filming? We didn't
go out once.
I was so good around The IT Crowd.
At 9pm we called it a day.
We weren't at home, you know. We were
living in these boring flats.
I was the new girl, because you'd
done the pilot, and they'd all got
on very well, and gone out,
and anyway, you were all such good
company, and it was so much fun,
but I have never been...never been
so drunk
in a professional environment, I'm
pleased to say.
It was brilliant.
The reason we went to the pole
dancing club, it was the last place
where you could get adrink.
It was the small hours. It's time to
go home, definitely time to go home.
Instead of that, we went to For Your
Eyes Only.
Right.
What did you think? It was like a
James Bond re-enactment?
We'll just do the lines, and we'll
leave.
There was hardly anybody in there.
A few really solemn looking men.
Really solemn.
And then this girl went up a pole,
and went upside down,
and starting spinning round and
round, and I thought it was the best
thing I'd ever seen.
I was cheering her, applauding, and
that's obviously not what you're
supposed to do.
You were applauding like she'd just
scored a goal really well.
LAUGHTER
Like some kind of sporting event.
It was such an unsexual
appreciation.
Look at that! How's she hanging on?
She was brilliant.
We were quite loud, and laughing.
How was she as a pole dancer?
He's judging. I am judging. I've
gone down in his estimation.
I do judge. I can remember leaving
one of those nights at, like, five
in the morning.
We had to get up at 5.45, and you
know,
you going, "What, you're leaving?
Going to bed?!"
as if that was the most unreasonable
suggestion.
I was pie-eyed.
It sounds deranged. It was...
You never took me to the strip club.
The whole time.
I did three series with you, and -
Are you airing grievances?
I'm just saying, you know...
I know. I never once showed you a
vagina.
Never. I never did that.
I just presumed it wasn't a thing
you wanted.
Don't look me in the eye now.
I am not your father.
This is a zone of trust.
Don't take me back to that moment.
At my old university, they now have
a pole dancing society.
Right. But it's important to
understand that it's a physical
fitness thing.
Sure. That you do with no top or
bottoms on.
And I was there doing some filming
for a documentary I was doing -
Panorama?
LAUGHTER
There's a pole dancing society, for
God's sake... We got there...
They said, "It's not sexual, it's
physical fitness.
No, it's not about that. There are
certain moves that are banned in the
club."
And I said, "Really?" So obviously I
said, "Like what?"
Sticking your foot in your gob.
Didn't even come up.
They didn't feel a need to ban that.
They banned a move called the Eye
Opener.
Like a wink?
And what happens in the Eye Opener?
Then they sort of conferred amongst
themselves, the young women of the
pole dancing society,
and one of them agreed they would
demonstrate the Eye Opener.
And it is an eye opener.
But basically, you splay your legs as
far apart as you can.
Whilst hanging upside-down.
I thought it might be that.
That's banned? That's banned.
Sad story. It's overtly sexual.
This might be over-sharing, but...
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Once, my boyfriend, he said, "You
know how boys want you to do...
a special dance?"
Oh, dear.
As your legal adviser...
LAUGHTER
..my client is inebriated, and...
..you are under no compulsion to
continue.
I only found out what that was
recently.
Are you talking about the slut drop?
No! But go on.
LAUGHTER
This is getting good. I do know what
that is.
I thought that's what you were going
to talk about.
It's sort of... It's just a low
squat that's sort of.. you have to
try and be a bit sexy asyou do it.
I can't do that with my knees now.
I did go dancing the other day, and
everyone - Alan, what's going on?
LAUGHTER
I'm just writing down you talking
about the slut drop.
I was a very out of my depth,
because I went to a discotheque.
And then everyone was doing this
slut drop, and I was like, "Oh,
things have moved on."
But no. So, they're just dropped
from somewhere?
LAUGHTER
From Heaven. Do they...
Do they self-drop, or...
It's one of those things you could
only really explain it by doing it,
and neither Lou nor I are able or
willing.
Yeah. I...
I am able.
It doesn't sound like a ceremony I
want to participate in.
No.
What dance were you talking about?
Well, you told me not to say it.
I'm very conflicted.
You know like, sometimes, like...
like your partner - usually boys -
say, "Oh, do like a dance"?
A sexy dance.
And then one day I plucked up the
courage to do it,
and he said, "Never do that again."
LAUGHTER
The colour, and the texture.
Also the flavour.
OK, so I...
..lived in a house in Northampton
for a while.
It was very loud. It was by the A40.
Three lanes each way.
You couldn't hear the phone ring. I
developed asthma from living there.
So... And then one day we get the
paper,
you know, once we'd made our way
through the smog,
and there was a picture of the house
four doors down,
and it said, "Is this the worst
place to live in England?"
Apparent... Yes was the answer.
It was the worst place.
I used to do stand-up to a low
standard,
and when people sometimes would drop
me back,
I would say, "I live here", and they
would go, "No, come on."
One of those houses with the A40
right outside the front door?
Yeah, the ones on the A40. They are
the worst places.
Yeah, but very inexpensive. Must be.
Very inexpensive to live in.
And when we moved out, there was a,
you know, a black ring round all of
our possessions.
Just an outline, like a crime scene.
I've seen a map of the UK on which
pollution levels are denoted by
colour.
Right. Black being the most
polluted.
Yeah. And there's a little bit of
black in the centre of most big
cities.
And then in London, there's a strip
of black,
which is the North Circular, and then
a line of black,
which is the A40.
The most polluted place in the United
Kingdom.
Yes, that's where we lived.
But that wasn't the worst place that
we lived.
That was a step up, because we lived
before
in a tower block that - I don't know
what it was on the wall.
We thought it's either blood or
faeces.
We didn't... Didn't ask?
It looked bad enough for us not to
check. Could it have been curry
sauce, or ketchup?
Why did you go for faeces or blood,
you weirdo?
The colour, and the texture.
The texture... Also the flavour.
I have to say, we recently went to a
very nice house in the Cotswolds,
a family house, and I got a letter
saying they needed me to pay some
money,
and to never use them again, because
they had found
what looked like blood or faeces
smeared on the walls.
And actually, what it was was some
chocolate soya milk.
So I would just say... I wrote a
very kind of - No-one in this tower
block was using chocolate soya milk.
LAUGHTER
This was pre-council house chocolate
soy.
OK.
And so we rented this place, and
above the...
Well, it was a mantelpiece. It
was...
It was a shelf.
LAUGHTER
There was only one piece of
decoration in the entire place, and
that was a giant Tubemap...
..above, decoratively,
which I always found...so we kept it
in honour of who lived there before,
because it was useful.
A design classic. But strange as a
focal point for a room.
When you took it down, was there a
lot of blood and faeces underneath?
That's where we stored it, but it
was...
The heating went out for about a
month there.
And we kept calling saying the
heating's out, and he went, "I
know!"
LAUGHTER
And there was nothing you could do.
I guess we went, "Oh, OK."
You couldn't close the windows
either. That was another problem.
For fire hazard reasons, there was
like a hole in the window.
Maybe it wasn't true. But there was
a sort of metal strip, so we tried
to plug that with kitchen roll.
It would have been a fire hazard.
Pollution coming in your window.
Is pollution really bad for you?
Is it? I'm worrying about it now.
Nitrous oxide. That's the one.
It comes from diesel fuel.
And it's odourless and invisible.
They're the best sorts of pollutants.
What does it do to you? Kills you.
LAUGHTER
It's responsible for more deaths
than anything else in the UK.
Yeah...
LAUGHTER
When I was a kid, I lived for a
summer at the YMCA.
In New York. I'd gone to New York to
write at an advertising agency.
I thought, "Oh, let's try this." And
the best accommodation I could
afford was the YMCA.
And I'd come to this room, and it
was in a good neighbourhood, it was
reputable.
A reputable YMCA, and I'd noticed
the second or third night I was
there
that the wall right beside my bed
had a hole in the plaster,
and that over the period of the
first week
something very strongly resembling
mushrooms was growing out of that
hole in the wall.
So I just developed this little
habit of coming home at night,
scraping it off,
and seeing how long it took to grow
back.
It took about two or three days, and
there the heads were again.
That's as close as I came to blood
and fungus.
That's squalor. That is squalor.
And I got...
A couple of years later, I was
working at another job,
post-university, and I mentioned to
the Assistant Attorney-General for
the State of California...
he mentioned he'd lived at the same
YMCA.
I said, "I lived there." He said,
"Oh. Did you know about the 13th
floor?"
I said, "No. I lived on the 7th
floor."
He said, "Oh, the 13th floor was for
straight guys."
So, it was a...
Oh. It was a penis poking through
the window?
No!
LAUGHTER
And every day he scraped it off, and
it grew back.
Yeah, right. One stubborn penis.
Once, my friend James, he was in the
toilets in Broadstairs...
Sure. Like, public toilets, and
someone pushed their thing through a
hole.
I'm about to go for a weekend away.
My first weekend away with my
husband to Broadstairs,
so I hope this isn't a story that's
going to put me off.
It's one of the things you can do.
We'll have to go and look for
this...
Oh...
A glory hole. A glory hole. What?!
It's got a name?
Sure. Katherine, you just Google
glory hole when you get home.
Not suitable for work.
He went and hit him, and it had to
go to court,
and then - He went and hit him?
He punched him, and then it went to
court. Punched the penis?
No, their face. So, they were in
adjacent cubicles when the penis came
through the hole?
Yes. So, there was a hole in the
toilet. I think it was like a
regular thing.
This guy just pops it through.
Right.
Surprise!
And this guy James was like, not a
nice surprise. Didn't like it.
Didn't want it. Can you take your
penis out of my cubicle, please?
Yeah, he could have. Wouldn't it
have been funny
if he put his penis through the hole,
and weed into that toilet?
Funny... Skilful.
He could have just used it as a
toilet roll holder.
LAUGHTER
Just said thank you.
He should have just said thank you?
Yeah. Thanks, but no, thanks.
Sometimes the coat rack's gone in
those places as well.
The coat rack? Sometimes, you know,
the little coat hook is broken off
by vandals.
So maybe, you know, here's an
alternative.
You're being a bit blue now,
Richard.
By using the word alternative?
I'll have a word with myself.
We need to come up with a title...
for the programme, and I'm
struggling to get through A Penis
Poking Through The Window.
I've got Are You Talking About the
Slut Drop?
Pole dancing was mentioned more than
once,
but I mean, this will get the
viewers in, won't it?
I Never Once Showed You a Vagina.
Oh, that's nice, yeah. That one's
nice.
My comeback album.
When I just do standards.
Ashamed of Being a Shaman has been
suggested to me.
Blood and Faeces.
In my ear, someone's just said "Blood
and Faeces".
Yeah, yeah.
For the third time this evening.
I think Blood and Faeces is like a
Royal Court play. I like it.
Yeah. Like a French nouvelle vague
movie.
Truffaut's classic Blood and Faeces.
Nice.
Alan, What's Going On?
Yeah.
Yes. That feels it could be broader.
Blood and Faeces feels like you're
really getting into something.
Week in, week out, it feels like,
haven't we dealt with this?
When I Say Drunk, I Mean On MDMA.
Yes!
Anyway, we're going to finish this.
Now.
I think that's your title.
We're Going To Finish This Now.
Yeah.
Hi diddly-ho, neighbour.
CHEERING
Now, then...
It's been fantastic. Please will you
thank all of my guests?
Lou Sanders.
Richard Ayoade.
Katherine Parkinson.
And Harry Shearer.
I'm Alan Davies, and you have been
watching A Penis Poking Through The
Window.
Subtitles by Ericsson
CTO N225S/82
BF000000
I'm just going to change into my show
business clothes.
I can't walk in these heels.
Came for the weather, staying for
the food.
They said there was free crisps.
Clipped-off area.
APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies. Welcome to
As Yet Untitled.
This is the show that's completely
unprepared,
unscripted, unrehearsed, and
ill-considered.
We are looking for a title for the
show.
It's our sole ambition. I will have
four talented and very funny people
to help me do that.
So I'd better get them on. Please
will you welcome my guests?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome.
Right, team, I think you'll agree...
Let's see who we have.
We have Lou Sanders with us. Lou
Sanders is a life saver.
Wow.
That's Lou.
Welcome to Richard Ayoade. Richard
is actually really like this.
APPLAUSE
Katherine Parkinson. Welcome,
Katherine.
Katherine Parkinson is great at
faking it, and hasn't been invited
back on Saturday Kitchen.
And Harry Shearer, wonderful to have
you.
Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer has a
friend in Jesus.
Um...
It's great to have you here, Harry.
Thank you.
Normally, we have a bit of a
chitchat, but I'm going to say, from
the get-go,
you may not recognise Harry, because
he's mainly known for his voices,
but also, for Spinal Tap,
which is my...
I think...it's in anyone's top five
funny films?
It's great. It's tremendous.
Derek Smalls...? He wrote this.
ALAN LAUGHS
And my favourite bit that you did is
going through airport security
with the cucumber coming down your
trousers.
It was actually a courgette.
LAUGHTER
A cucumber is a bit too large and
warty for the desired appearance.
He wrapped it in tin foil, though.
Yes, he did.
Well, you know, I don't know if
you've been on stage
with a courgette or a cucumber in
your trousers, but...
..as you start sweating...
..you really want the protection of
the tin foil for the integrity of
the vegetable.
Right.
That's if you're planning on using
the vegetable later. Later.
Well, just for the desired effect.
That sets off the detector.
Yeah, and it was fairly prescient,
because when we made the movie,
there weren't a lot of metal
detectors at airports,
and a lot of incidents with metal
detectors at airports.
But of course, we live in a
different world now.
Yeah. You could get body mapped or
something.
Have you been made to stand in one of
those?
Oh, yeah. You don't know what is
happening to you.
I'm always picked out. Always?
Yeah. I have a very terrorising
face.
So they immediately siphon me off,
and...
..perform very invasive...questions.
Yeah... Have you tried staying in
there in the pose when they want you
to leave?
That's my relaxed pose. That's my
go-to pose.
Generally. In any situation, if I'm
called, I will immediately assume
I'm being arrested.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Have you been arrested?
I have yet to commit a crime.
But as soon as I do, I know they'll
swoop in.
They've been watching me.
My whole life. But, no, I haven't...
I don't know why - He's not going to
admit it on this, but you told me
about -
Which crime would you choose? Maybe
homicide.
LAUGHTER
The big one. Why screw around with
pretty crime?
Yeah.
Do you have someone in mind? It would
be a narrowing-down process.
Everyone could participate in the
selection.
I think everybody in show business
has a list.
Yeah. It's ever-changing, though,
isn't it? Yeah.
Ever-growing. Ever-growing, yeah.
Who was it this morning...?
When you wake up, who's the first
person you think of you want dead?
That'd be a good chat show.
Now, I've been supplied with a list
of the characters you do in the
Simpsons.
You're having a time.
We can talk about Abbott and
Costello,
Saturday Night Live. Spinal Tap.
BUT I need you to do Ned Flanders
before the end of the evening, so...
Timothy Lovejoy, Skinner...
Jebediah Springfield, one of my
favourites...
Kent Brockman.
This just in...
LAUGHTER
That's it. We could just cut, and
walk away.
Now, I last saw you, Harry, in Joe's
Pub in New York City
doing the show with your partner
Judith.
Judith Owen, yeah. Doing songs and
chat, and it was great.
But you had to get out of the way at
the beginning...
You had to do a bit of Smithers, and
a bit of Mr Burns.
(AS MR BURNS) Yes, I guess I did.
I love this!
I have to say - And the audience,
you say, "Look, tonight I'm not going
to be doing..."
And then you did all the Simpson's
voices.
Yeah. And then... Afterwards, the
show was fine and everything,
but people were..."Do some more of
that..."
The bane of your life? No, it's quite
amusing, because the expression you
made when I did that just sort of...
..spontaneously, shall we say,
is the same expression on the face
of a five-year-old,
and an 85-year-old.
It really is amazing, because...
you've been the mystery behind this
voice for most of them,
and it's just the discovery of the
person, it's like...
You see it on the face. It's fun.
Can you do "hi diddly-ho"? Can you
say that for us, please?
Okily-dokily.
Just save it. Just put it in...
Like, Katherine's your neighbour.
Just turn to her at one point, and
say it.
Everyone'll be happy.
Perhaps we could ask you about your
friend in Jesus?
Well...
When I was looking for inspiration
for voices from The Simpsons,
mainly I was listening to just
voices in my head,
and I didn't pick anybody that I
knew.
But I started running out of voices
in my head,
and so, for Reverend Lovejoy, I
harkened back
to a guy who was in the golden age
of televangelists in America.
There was a guy called Ernest
Angley.
Who spoke like this...
And...wore fairly...
fairly widely lapelled polyester
suits,
as was the fashion of the time.
And a nice fake hairpiece.
And did healings.
And so I was fascinated by him.
One day I actually went to see his
healing service at the Shrine
Auditorium,
which is a 5,000-seater auditorium
in downtown Los Angeles.
And first thing I remember is, he
gets to the microphone, and says,
"Anybody in the audience with sugar
diabetes?"
Because that's one of the ones he can
do.
Well, yeah. I thought...
Is there salt diabetes, suddenly,
that I didn't know about?
Apparently, that's a southernism in
the United States,
they specify it's not just diabetes
- it's sugar diabet-IS!
And his...
his MO was to give a big slap on the
forehead,
and send them down.
They were slain in the spirit when
he did that,
and then, "Anybody with hearing
problems please come up on the
stage."
I don't know how they knew to come
up on the stage...
LAUGHTER
What?! But they did.
And he had this really bizarre
thing, and I won't... Should I do it
to you?
Uh, yes. All right.
He put fingers in both ears.
I'm not going to actually do it. And
then yanked them out!
Oh ho! Suddenly...
And then walk over to their ear...
Jesus!
They would respond...(SLURS)
"Jesus!"
Baby! (SLURS)
And then he'd slap them on the
forehead, and they were healed.
Yeah, it was amazing. Did it work,
though?
It worked on me. I hear great.
So, it did work? No, no, no.
It's... Well, I don't know. I didn't
know any of the people.
Sounds like a man with just an
aggression problem.
Slapping everyone on the head. Yeah.
Diabetes seems like... I mean, would
they do an insulin test after the
slap?
How long do they wait for that to
kick in?
I have no idea. I didn't stick
around that long.
It seems very specific. Anyone with
congenital disease...
I'll heal you, and... Yeah.
I'm always interested to know
whether they actually believe what
they're doing,
or whether they're total charlatans,
and just tricking the audience.
It is a great question, isn't it?
I think that, like a lot of actors,
they probably are able to convince
themselves at the moment
that it's real.
When they go home, and take off the
fake hair...
I went to go and see a woman called
Sarah Eagleman.
Eaglewoman in LA, and I paid $350,
and she just wafted a feather around
me, and -
This is a one-on-one consultation.
Yeah, I paid a lot of money, and
um...
Happy to report that it was an
absolute rip-off.
LAUGHTER
What was she offering? What was the
service?
Living forever.
I'm still alive. It worked.
No, I think they just... Well, I am
into that kind of stuff.
Like, I have got a shaman.
I didn't want to talk about it.
Yeah.
I wanted to kind of appear really
normal.
The shaman is now making you talk
about it. Is that how this works?
We've all got shamans, don't worry.
But Sarah Eaglewoman, that, even for
me, I was like...
How did your Shaman feel about her?
Yeah, I'd been unfaithful.
No, he just laughed, because he's
only £57.
That is...
That's reasonable.
When I said, like, Sarah Eaglewoman
charges $350...
The rate went up. It did, actually.
I said, "You should put your price
up", because he is phenomenal.
Did you get to keep the feather? No.
£57?
That's such a strange amount.
No, it was £55, and then I said - He
put it up by £2?
He's a really nice guy.
Did you meet this guy in the '40s?
His increments of price are very
specific.
But what does he do? What does a
shaman do?
You'd have said no if he'd gone to
£58.
Would you have gone, "Hey..."? I'd
never say no to him. He's magical.
But he wouldn't say he was a shaman.
I think that's the difference.
Is he ashamed of being a shaman?
He's ashamed, yeah! No, I think -
Is he actually your solicitor?
He just sometimes goes off-piste.
What does a shaman do?
I really wish I'd been stronger in
my convictions, and not talked about
it.
Um, well...
He actually does craniosacral.
So he's rebalancing energy in the
body.
So let's move on. Who's got some...
LAUGHTER
I've only ever... I saw a mind
reader once years ago, because I
think it's all...
Not that... Horseshit.
And I was very heavily pregnant, and
the mind reader said,
"You're going to have a baby."
Was he shouting, "Leave me, leave
me!"?
I'll be honest, it was mixed
messages.
Now, Katherine Parkinson...
I really like your shoes. Thank you.
Can we see them? Oh!
Can you get them on the table?
Listen, I don't go out much at the
moment.
It's just a phase. very young
children. It WILL change.
But I bought these online, and I
thought,
"One day I'll get to wear them", and
tonight's the night, everyone.
And I can't walk very well in them.
Which is a shame, but I will get
them on the table, since you've
asked.
Look at that!
Wow!
And she's limber, too.
Oh! She can still get her foot on
the table after all these years.
Now, faking it. What sort of faking
it are you great at?
Yeah, I regret... Because the thing
is, Richard's here,
and I don't like to talk about rude
things in front of Richard.
Most people manage to tune me out. I
know...
Imagine I'm not here. It's what I'm
doing.
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I just don't want you
to change your opinion of me,
because I think you think I'm sort
of quite Victorian.
I think you once described me as the
Princess Diana of comedy. Did you
say that?
Once before, when recording, which
meant a lot to me.
You said I was a ginger angel. Oh,
no, that was scripted.
OK. But also...
I also found that very touching.
Was I calling you Jen at the time?
Yes, you were, but it still meant a
lot.
Basically, I did a play. I've done
quite a lot of rudely named plays.
But without a lot of rude content,
actually, so my CV looks...a bit
fruity.
Quite racy. It does. I've got Deep
Throat Live on Stage. Wow.
But it wasn't what it said on the
tin at all.
It was extremely unrude, but it was
called that because it was about
Linda Lovelace.
I've got The Age of Consent, and one
of the plays I did was called Cock.
And it was actually a very...you
know...
It was a play on the word, because
it was like a cock fight,
but it was also a love triangle with
two men and a woman.
And I was the woman. And it was sort
of in a ring... Good casting. Thank
you.
And the audience were lit, but
because my mum, for a mother of
three, is insanely naive...
..about things,
I said it was called Cock-a-doodle
Doo,
because I couldn't quite bring
myself to say it's called Cock,
but they did come to see it, and it
was a piece
where you just did lots of chatting,
but you didn't do the actions,
so I had to walk in a circle and act
a climax.
I'm really embarrassed talking about
this.
So I had to sort of talk through a
climax - I've no idea what...
And I remember, because the audience
was lit, my dad was there,
and I remember going round,
just..."Don't lock eyes with my dad
at the crucial point",
and of course, when you don't want
to do something, you end up doing
it,
so right at the final bit I just
locked eyes, or stare into the face
of my father...
LAUGHTER
This is more of a traumatic memory
than an anecdote.
I remember apologising to my mum
afterwards, saying, "I'm really
sorry. That was so rude."
I said, "I was climaxing". She said,
"I just thought you were a bit
upset."
LAUGHTER
Was it quite When Harry Met Sally?
Did you really go for it?
Well, I think you have to do the
perceived kind of...
expectation of what that is.
The cliche climax. You have to do
the cliche climax,
because I'm sure lots of women do
all sorts of odd sounds.
I'm so sorry, Richard. I'm sure, you
know, there's kind of...
women who bark and things, but you
can't do that on stage
when there's no action, and people
won't know what's going on,
so I did a very generic -
I think you should have just barked.
I should have -
HE BARKS
That was excellent.
That's the only voice I can do,
Harry.
Was that good for you?
That's all I can do. I used to do it
in my stand-up.
A dog getting its paw caught in the
car door.
That's the only impression I can do.
It goes...
YELPS
It's very good, though. Yeah, very,
very good.
So, if you ever need that in The
Simpsons...
I'll make a call, I'll make a call.
A dog with its paw caught in the
door...
(AS SMITHERS) Sir, I think we have
the dog in the door.
LAUGHTER
Just when I'm not looking at him,
did you see what he did?
Am I off the hook now? Do that
again.
No, I did it once. I won't look, and
then he'll do it.
Sir, I think we have the dog caught
in the door.
LAUGHTER
(AS MR BURNS) Well, let him loose.
I'm stupidly excited by it.
It's really great having you here.
Lou, about you being a life saver.
Oh, yeah.
I saved... Don't worry about it. I
don't want to talk about it, but I
saved this guy!
I saved this guy's life. Yeah. Do
you want to hear more?
No, so, I was on a boat party.
And... Not one of the fancy ones.
Just some people that lived in a
boat.
So a narrow boat, canal boat kind of
a boat?
Yeah, like, in Battersea, and me and
this were like chirpsing each other.
And then - Sorry?
We're all a bit old around this
table.
I haven't been out for 15 years. Is
it a current word?
Chatting up. Oh, chirpsing.
I've never heard that before, have
you?
Ask her what chirpsing means as the
Principal.
LAUGHTER
I will not do so, sir.
(AS PRINCIPAL) What does chirpsing
mean?
Chatting up.
Flirting. We were flirting. You were
flirting. On the boat, or on the
bank?
On the boat, right. Having a drink,
flirting, and then I thought it was
going really well.
But at some point he made the
decision to jump into the Thames.
LAUGHTER
He was like... "Oh, I'm just going
to the toilet."
You make your excuses, so he jumped
in,
and I was like, "Oh, OK. Cool."
And then all his friends... Everyone
noticed there was a man overboard.
And everyone was just looking down.
"Oh, Andy's jumped in."
He's got like a gash. He's bleeding
from his head.
No-one's doing anything. Like,
they're just like, "Oh, dear."
So it's left to muggins here to jump
in and save the guy.
And also get a bit of attention, I
guess.
So, I jumped in.
I went... He's holding onto this
massive pole.
I'm trying to prise his hands off
the pole
to like get him to safety.
Sounds like he really doesn't want
to come back on the boat.
LAUGHTER
He can't believe that you followed
him in.
I think there were two incidents
saying he wants to leave.
The jump, and then clinging to pole.
I think it was the bad chirpsing.
Yeah.
Was he shouting, "Leave me, leave
me!"?
It was mixed messages. OK.
Because men sometimes don't know
what they want.
LAUGHTER
It sounds like he wanted to die.
What he wanted was me insisting that
he put his arms around me,
and doggy paddle him to safety.
He didn't know his own mind.
And he was very drunk. When I say
drunk, I mean on MDMA.
LAUGHTER
So I doggy paddled him to safety.
I'm going to write this down for a
title. "When I say drunk, I mean on
MDMA".
Yeah! Whenever you use the word
drunk, you mean that.
Yeah, OK. It does change things,
though. It does.
He's high. A lot of people get loved
up on MDMA.
But anyway, it doesn't matter. I
won't take it personally. I refuse.
I got him... I got him to safety.
Then I went to hospital with him. I
know I sound really bad.
He really couldn't shake you off,
could he?
I'd like to remind everyone I'm the
hero in this story!
But yeah, I did get him back by
going out with him for four months,
but...
And now we're married.
He was a bit crazy for me, so...
Yeah. He wanted to get naked all the
time.
LAUGHTER
I mean, not like... Obviously...
Sure.
I mean, obviously, if you're seeing
someone and they get naked, I'm on
board with that.
But...
He was... Although, oddly, he wasn't
on board.
LAUGHTER
No, he would... He was just a bit of
a character.
If you were playing cards, and he
was like, "Oh, let's do this naked."
Like in front of... There was quite
a few people.
That's disgusting. Disgusting, and
so I... Yeah.
He just wasn't for me, and also, I
stopped drinking, and it wasn't
really compatible.
When you say drinking, you mean
MDMA?
LAUGHTER
They had just dropped from
somewhere.
From Heaven.
They... Do they self-drop?
We want to know why you were not
invited back on Saturday Kitchen.
Again, this is less an anecdote,
more a painful recent memory.
I'm not sure if it is...
Saturday Kitchen is a morning show.
You know the one?
One of my wife's favourite shows.
Oh, is it? Along with Homes Under The
Hammer.
Yeah, it's meant to be a great show.
Hell of a show.
But there's a big surprise waiting
in the loo.
It is a great show.
Saturday Kitchen I did recently, and
I had, you know,
not long ago, had my second child,
and had just finished...
I feel like I shouldn't say breast
feeding in public. It's sort of
disgusting.
I'd just finished breast feeding.
It's erotic. Thank you.
And you will say it, and you will
describe it.
Sorry. Richard, I just think...
Are you all right? And so I hadn't
had alcohol for a long time, and my
tolerance perhaps was quite low.
It's filmed in the morning, and I
was offered sherry.
The last time I had sherry was at my
university interview with my very
eccentric tutor.
And I should have remembered that,
because the same thing happened.
I have a bit of a reaction to
sherry, it seems.
Anyway, the chef next to me, she
sort of sensibly sniffed her sherry,
and I necked mine.
(SLURRING) I was quite drunk.
And I basically asked them to cut my
food up for me.
I asked them to cut my food... I
thought I was being funny.
And honestly, I really let myself
down.
One of my brothers said... He
actually texted me and said,
"You should never go on television
again", so...
Are you banned?
Well, he's left the show, and it
might be because of my appearance on
the show.
I doubt that. Did you become loud,
and inappropriate?
I became really... Again, sorry,
Richard.
Really flirtatious, and you know...
Why do you apologise to Richard
every 90 seconds?
Because anything with a vaguely
sexual content, I have to apologise
to him.
Are you a virgin, Richard?
LAUGHTER
No, I am. With two children.
I mean, let's discuss this.
I mean, no, but...
I think my portrayal... I was
completely Daniel Day-Lewis all the
way through the IT Crowd.
I didn't break character. I'm still
trying to shake it off.
You had to leave him in the corner.
It's very hard for Katherine to know
me as the virile powerhouse I am in
real life.
LAUGHTER
So, a lot of this is about you
protecting what to YOU
was probably the most creatively
fulfilling time you'll ever have.
Working with me, and you know, just
trying to stay in that bubble, and
keep it real,
but it can't be real - I'm doing
just great stuff now.
Are you really actually like this?
I mean, I exist...
..is about all I can say at the
moment.
I... You know, I have a level of
social anxiety...
..that is relatively high.
So, I, well...
So, Graham Linehan who wrote The IT
Crowd, when he was casting it,
he said, "I've written a show with
you in mind.
It's for this incredibly nerdy,
socially awkward person,
with no people skills whatsoever."
You'd be perfect for it.
"I thought of you, and..."
I said, "OK...
Is there a voice you would want me
to do for this?"
He went, "No, just use your own
voice."
And I did not view myself that way.
I'm generally a sort of writer.
That's the international mime for
that.
And so I...
I thought that was the bill.
That was... I'm not paying. I'm just
signalling to my companion that I'm
a writer.
I have no intention of paying.
This is, "I'm a writer." Thank you.
We do not pay.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm like this,
but I...
I found out I may be more awkward
than I thought I was.
But then I never saw anyone,
because I was in my room a lot,
and it's fine not to speak when
you're on your own.
And to stammer, and to not have eye
contact.
But outside, it's frowned upon.
So... Going back to what you were
saying about having a persona,
I think there's an understanding
that you will easily go on shows
like that.
It's different, this, because I feel
very comfortable with you, and...
But you know, I sort of think that
there's an assumption
that you're going to quickly be able
to be yourself on television,
and promote the show, and I think I
probably necked sherry
partly because I get quite nervous
in that situation.
I assume that might get easier if I
ever get the opportunity
to go on some show again.
But that was again not an anecdote,
more a warning to myself
to not drink, and this is my second
drink.
Do you remember when we went to that
pole dancing club?
Not alone... Katherine, what kind of
life have you been leading off-set?
I feel like I don't know you.
Oh, no, Richard...
We were filming a television show in
Cardiff,
and we...we were all away from
home...
I don't remember filming a
television show at any point.
You remember the pole dance. I
remember! The whole thing was a
blur.
Oh, it was horrific. In Cardiff?
In Cardiff. We just went out all the
time.
And after a while...
The only time I've ever done that,
ever.
Were you leading a secret life all
the time we were filming? We didn't
go out once.
I was so good around The IT Crowd.
At 9pm we called it a day.
We weren't at home, you know. We were
living in these boring flats.
I was the new girl, because you'd
done the pilot, and they'd all got
on very well, and gone out,
and anyway, you were all such good
company, and it was so much fun,
but I have never been...never been
so drunk
in a professional environment, I'm
pleased to say.
It was brilliant.
The reason we went to the pole
dancing club, it was the last place
where you could get adrink.
It was the small hours. It's time to
go home, definitely time to go home.
Instead of that, we went to For Your
Eyes Only.
Right.
What did you think? It was like a
James Bond re-enactment?
We'll just do the lines, and we'll
leave.
There was hardly anybody in there.
A few really solemn looking men.
Really solemn.
And then this girl went up a pole,
and went upside down,
and starting spinning round and
round, and I thought it was the best
thing I'd ever seen.
I was cheering her, applauding, and
that's obviously not what you're
supposed to do.
You were applauding like she'd just
scored a goal really well.
LAUGHTER
Like some kind of sporting event.
It was such an unsexual
appreciation.
Look at that! How's she hanging on?
She was brilliant.
We were quite loud, and laughing.
How was she as a pole dancer?
He's judging. I am judging. I've
gone down in his estimation.
I do judge. I can remember leaving
one of those nights at, like, five
in the morning.
We had to get up at 5.45, and you
know,
you going, "What, you're leaving?
Going to bed?!"
as if that was the most unreasonable
suggestion.
I was pie-eyed.
It sounds deranged. It was...
You never took me to the strip club.
The whole time.
I did three series with you, and -
Are you airing grievances?
I'm just saying, you know...
I know. I never once showed you a
vagina.
Never. I never did that.
I just presumed it wasn't a thing
you wanted.
Don't look me in the eye now.
I am not your father.
This is a zone of trust.
Don't take me back to that moment.
At my old university, they now have
a pole dancing society.
Right. But it's important to
understand that it's a physical
fitness thing.
Sure. That you do with no top or
bottoms on.
And I was there doing some filming
for a documentary I was doing -
Panorama?
LAUGHTER
There's a pole dancing society, for
God's sake... We got there...
They said, "It's not sexual, it's
physical fitness.
No, it's not about that. There are
certain moves that are banned in the
club."
And I said, "Really?" So obviously I
said, "Like what?"
Sticking your foot in your gob.
Didn't even come up.
They didn't feel a need to ban that.
They banned a move called the Eye
Opener.
Like a wink?
And what happens in the Eye Opener?
Then they sort of conferred amongst
themselves, the young women of the
pole dancing society,
and one of them agreed they would
demonstrate the Eye Opener.
And it is an eye opener.
But basically, you splay your legs as
far apart as you can.
Whilst hanging upside-down.
I thought it might be that.
That's banned? That's banned.
Sad story. It's overtly sexual.
This might be over-sharing, but...
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Once, my boyfriend, he said, "You
know how boys want you to do...
a special dance?"
Oh, dear.
As your legal adviser...
LAUGHTER
..my client is inebriated, and...
..you are under no compulsion to
continue.
I only found out what that was
recently.
Are you talking about the slut drop?
No! But go on.
LAUGHTER
This is getting good. I do know what
that is.
I thought that's what you were going
to talk about.
It's sort of... It's just a low
squat that's sort of.. you have to
try and be a bit sexy asyou do it.
I can't do that with my knees now.
I did go dancing the other day, and
everyone - Alan, what's going on?
LAUGHTER
I'm just writing down you talking
about the slut drop.
I was a very out of my depth,
because I went to a discotheque.
And then everyone was doing this
slut drop, and I was like, "Oh,
things have moved on."
But no. So, they're just dropped
from somewhere?
LAUGHTER
From Heaven. Do they...
Do they self-drop, or...
It's one of those things you could
only really explain it by doing it,
and neither Lou nor I are able or
willing.
Yeah. I...
I am able.
It doesn't sound like a ceremony I
want to participate in.
No.
What dance were you talking about?
Well, you told me not to say it.
I'm very conflicted.
You know like, sometimes, like...
like your partner - usually boys -
say, "Oh, do like a dance"?
A sexy dance.
And then one day I plucked up the
courage to do it,
and he said, "Never do that again."
LAUGHTER
The colour, and the texture.
Also the flavour.
OK, so I...
..lived in a house in Northampton
for a while.
It was very loud. It was by the A40.
Three lanes each way.
You couldn't hear the phone ring. I
developed asthma from living there.
So... And then one day we get the
paper,
you know, once we'd made our way
through the smog,
and there was a picture of the house
four doors down,
and it said, "Is this the worst
place to live in England?"
Apparent... Yes was the answer.
It was the worst place.
I used to do stand-up to a low
standard,
and when people sometimes would drop
me back,
I would say, "I live here", and they
would go, "No, come on."
One of those houses with the A40
right outside the front door?
Yeah, the ones on the A40. They are
the worst places.
Yeah, but very inexpensive. Must be.
Very inexpensive to live in.
And when we moved out, there was a,
you know, a black ring round all of
our possessions.
Just an outline, like a crime scene.
I've seen a map of the UK on which
pollution levels are denoted by
colour.
Right. Black being the most
polluted.
Yeah. And there's a little bit of
black in the centre of most big
cities.
And then in London, there's a strip
of black,
which is the North Circular, and then
a line of black,
which is the A40.
The most polluted place in the United
Kingdom.
Yes, that's where we lived.
But that wasn't the worst place that
we lived.
That was a step up, because we lived
before
in a tower block that - I don't know
what it was on the wall.
We thought it's either blood or
faeces.
We didn't... Didn't ask?
It looked bad enough for us not to
check. Could it have been curry
sauce, or ketchup?
Why did you go for faeces or blood,
you weirdo?
The colour, and the texture.
The texture... Also the flavour.
I have to say, we recently went to a
very nice house in the Cotswolds,
a family house, and I got a letter
saying they needed me to pay some
money,
and to never use them again, because
they had found
what looked like blood or faeces
smeared on the walls.
And actually, what it was was some
chocolate soya milk.
So I would just say... I wrote a
very kind of - No-one in this tower
block was using chocolate soya milk.
LAUGHTER
This was pre-council house chocolate
soy.
OK.
And so we rented this place, and
above the...
Well, it was a mantelpiece. It
was...
It was a shelf.
LAUGHTER
There was only one piece of
decoration in the entire place, and
that was a giant Tubemap...
..above, decoratively,
which I always found...so we kept it
in honour of who lived there before,
because it was useful.
A design classic. But strange as a
focal point for a room.
When you took it down, was there a
lot of blood and faeces underneath?
That's where we stored it, but it
was...
The heating went out for about a
month there.
And we kept calling saying the
heating's out, and he went, "I
know!"
LAUGHTER
And there was nothing you could do.
I guess we went, "Oh, OK."
You couldn't close the windows
either. That was another problem.
For fire hazard reasons, there was
like a hole in the window.
Maybe it wasn't true. But there was
a sort of metal strip, so we tried
to plug that with kitchen roll.
It would have been a fire hazard.
Pollution coming in your window.
Is pollution really bad for you?
Is it? I'm worrying about it now.
Nitrous oxide. That's the one.
It comes from diesel fuel.
And it's odourless and invisible.
They're the best sorts of pollutants.
What does it do to you? Kills you.
LAUGHTER
It's responsible for more deaths
than anything else in the UK.
Yeah...
LAUGHTER
When I was a kid, I lived for a
summer at the YMCA.
In New York. I'd gone to New York to
write at an advertising agency.
I thought, "Oh, let's try this." And
the best accommodation I could
afford was the YMCA.
And I'd come to this room, and it
was in a good neighbourhood, it was
reputable.
A reputable YMCA, and I'd noticed
the second or third night I was
there
that the wall right beside my bed
had a hole in the plaster,
and that over the period of the
first week
something very strongly resembling
mushrooms was growing out of that
hole in the wall.
So I just developed this little
habit of coming home at night,
scraping it off,
and seeing how long it took to grow
back.
It took about two or three days, and
there the heads were again.
That's as close as I came to blood
and fungus.
That's squalor. That is squalor.
And I got...
A couple of years later, I was
working at another job,
post-university, and I mentioned to
the Assistant Attorney-General for
the State of California...
he mentioned he'd lived at the same
YMCA.
I said, "I lived there." He said,
"Oh. Did you know about the 13th
floor?"
I said, "No. I lived on the 7th
floor."
He said, "Oh, the 13th floor was for
straight guys."
So, it was a...
Oh. It was a penis poking through
the window?
No!
LAUGHTER
And every day he scraped it off, and
it grew back.
Yeah, right. One stubborn penis.
Once, my friend James, he was in the
toilets in Broadstairs...
Sure. Like, public toilets, and
someone pushed their thing through a
hole.
I'm about to go for a weekend away.
My first weekend away with my
husband to Broadstairs,
so I hope this isn't a story that's
going to put me off.
It's one of the things you can do.
We'll have to go and look for
this...
Oh...
A glory hole. A glory hole. What?!
It's got a name?
Sure. Katherine, you just Google
glory hole when you get home.
Not suitable for work.
He went and hit him, and it had to
go to court,
and then - He went and hit him?
He punched him, and then it went to
court. Punched the penis?
No, their face. So, they were in
adjacent cubicles when the penis came
through the hole?
Yes. So, there was a hole in the
toilet. I think it was like a
regular thing.
This guy just pops it through.
Right.
Surprise!
And this guy James was like, not a
nice surprise. Didn't like it.
Didn't want it. Can you take your
penis out of my cubicle, please?
Yeah, he could have. Wouldn't it
have been funny
if he put his penis through the hole,
and weed into that toilet?
Funny... Skilful.
He could have just used it as a
toilet roll holder.
LAUGHTER
Just said thank you.
He should have just said thank you?
Yeah. Thanks, but no, thanks.
Sometimes the coat rack's gone in
those places as well.
The coat rack? Sometimes, you know,
the little coat hook is broken off
by vandals.
So maybe, you know, here's an
alternative.
You're being a bit blue now,
Richard.
By using the word alternative?
I'll have a word with myself.
We need to come up with a title...
for the programme, and I'm
struggling to get through A Penis
Poking Through The Window.
I've got Are You Talking About the
Slut Drop?
Pole dancing was mentioned more than
once,
but I mean, this will get the
viewers in, won't it?
I Never Once Showed You a Vagina.
Oh, that's nice, yeah. That one's
nice.
My comeback album.
When I just do standards.
Ashamed of Being a Shaman has been
suggested to me.
Blood and Faeces.
In my ear, someone's just said "Blood
and Faeces".
Yeah, yeah.
For the third time this evening.
I think Blood and Faeces is like a
Royal Court play. I like it.
Yeah. Like a French nouvelle vague
movie.
Truffaut's classic Blood and Faeces.
Nice.
Alan, What's Going On?
Yeah.
Yes. That feels it could be broader.
Blood and Faeces feels like you're
really getting into something.
Week in, week out, it feels like,
haven't we dealt with this?
When I Say Drunk, I Mean On MDMA.
Yes!
Anyway, we're going to finish this.
Now.
I think that's your title.
We're Going To Finish This Now.
Yeah.
Hi diddly-ho, neighbour.
CHEERING
Now, then...
It's been fantastic. Please will you
thank all of my guests?
Lou Sanders.
Richard Ayoade.
Katherine Parkinson.
And Harry Shearer.
I'm Alan Davies, and you have been
watching A Penis Poking Through The
Window.
Subtitles by Ericsson