After Life (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
A turn of events at the paper hits Sandy hard. Roxy and Pat share a meal, and Tony tries to support Matt's desire to get back out there.
- What are you doing?
- Well, I didn't want to disturb you.
- What do you mean?
- I was gonna come in and eat at the table,
but I didn't know if you was busy
so I'm having it here.
But those aren't the only two options,
are they,
eat in my house
or just outside my house?
- There's the rest of the fucking world.
- All right, don't get the hump!
So, did you talk to that bird about me?
Yeah.
She'll meet up...
for a meal, or whatever.
- [Pat] Really?
- Yeah.
- And you was honest about me?
- [Tony] Pretty much.
What, and she still wants to meet me?
What's the catch?
Well, she wanted me to be honest
about her to you as well.
She's a sex worker.
- A prossie?
- Yeah.
Result!
- [slurps]
- You're not bothered?
She ain't got AIDS, has she?
Would that be a deal-breaker?
No.
No, she hasn't got AIDS.
- And she's lovely, and smart, and funny.
- She'll earn a few quid for that an' all.
Just split the bill.
- Lovely jubbly.
- [Tony] Right, OK...
- [slurping]
- Off we go.
Why?
'Cause it's weird,
a postman having a picnic in your garden.
What's weird about it?
Get out.
Where's all this coming from?
[gentle music plays]
Out! Fuckin' hell.
[kids laughing and squealing]
You all right, George?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Are Mum and Dad getting a divorce?
I don't know.
I want them to still be my mum and dad.
Whatever happens,
even if they're not always together,
they'll still be your mum and dad,
and love you, and...
be an even better mum and dad,
you can play them off against each other,
get anything you want.
- What toy do you want?
- Dunno.
Well, think big. I reckon
you'll be able to get a quad bike.
Maybe even a crossbow,
if you play your cards right. [chuckles]
You'll be living the dream.
You'll be like, "Mum, Dad,
I'm off down the pub. Don't wait up."
[both giggle]
It'll be fine.
- [boy] Hi, George.
- [George] Hi.
- Morning.
- Oh, happy birthday!
- How did you know?
- It's on your records.
- Oh, yeah.
- [Valerie] Any plans?
Just a meal at home with my family.
- Who will cook, your mum or your dad?
- Me.
Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.
Happy birthday!
Thank you.
- Cup of tea, then?
- Yes, please.
No, you make it.
Why?
You're the work experience.
You have to start at the bottom.
It's Sandy's birthday,
make her a cup of tea.
It's your birthday?
Er, yeah.
- [Tony] Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
Is there going to be cake?
Just make the tea!
God!
- Is there gonna be any cake, though?
- [snorts]
So, you're a Virgo?
- Yeah.
- [Kath] Yeah.
Do your horoscope for you if you like?
Nah, 'cause it's pointless.
- It's not pointless, actually.
- How can people born around the same time,
from all over the world,
share similar traits just because of that?
- It's rubbish.
- It's true!
Virgos are smart, modest,
capable, dedicated.
See? Fits, don't it?
Yeah, everyone likes to think
they're those things!
That's why they make it flattering,
so you believe it. If it said,
"Oh, you're boring, ugly, thick,
and shit at everything,"
you wouldn't go back, would ya?
Also, they make it vague
so you can make it fit.
I want to see one in the paper that says,
"Happy birthday, Rita Wainthrope
of 7 Acacia Drive, Wigan.
You're going to get fired
from your job today
'cause everyone hates you
and the boss thinks you're a slut."
Then I'd believe it.
- Always have to get silly, don't you?
- [sniggers]
You all right?
[glumly] Yeah.
I'm just... feeling a bit...
I dunno... 30.
Yeah, I hated 30.
Quite liked 40.
Fifty was all right.
It's not your age, is it?
It's what's happening...
in your life.
Not a lot.
Do you want to go for a coffee?
- Yeah.
- Come on, then.
Do you know what my parents got me
for my birthday?
A set of saucepans and a super mop.
[chuckles]
What's super about it?
It's got an ultra-absorbent sponge head.
- It cleans, dries, and absorbs in one go.
- Sure.
Do you know how?
- Wring-Max technology.
- [laughs]
For maximum wringing. [chuckles]
Good.
I feel bad whinging to you.
My problems probably seem so trivial.
No, not at all.
Also...
I've been wanting to apologize
for something I said once too.
What?
When I asked you to be happy.
I realized it's a stupid thing to say.
No, it's...
You wanted me to be happy.
I get it.
People think that...
all those things I miss doing with Lisa,
I could just do them anyway,
and it'll make me feel better.
But, um... they're missing the point.
I don't miss doing things with Lisa,
I miss doing nothing... with Lisa.
Do you know what I mean?
Just... sitting at home,
wouldn't even have to go out,
or do anything, or even talk,
you know, just...
sitting there, knowing she was there.
Sometimes, I'd just look over at her.
- This has turned out well again.
- [strained chuckle]
- [Sandy sighs]
- Ah...
So, does it do lino, and tiles, and wood?
It does everything.
- Brilliant!
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
- [Simon] What do you drive?
It's a little Mini...
But I don't drive it now,
I'm trying to minimize...
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Hiya, just... Simon, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Tony.
You're here a lot.
- Yeah, my mum's in here.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, it breaks my heart.
They all break my heart, I love 'em all.
I wish I could take them all home.
- [Simon chuckles]
- Aw... That's sweet.
Maybe start with your mum first,
take her home, and...
Yeah, I can't,
not with my circumstances at the moment.
- [Tony] Oh.
- [Simon] I do what I can.
Maybe everyone's in the same boat.
- Yeah, sure.
- [Tony] Yeah.
Nice to meet ya.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
See you later, babe.
[Tony] Fuckin' hell!
What?
Him.
What about him?
He's doing his...
"sensitive man" thing, isn't he?
He's trying to be all kind and lovely
to you, to impress you.
I don't know. Call me old-fashioned,
but it kinda works,
being kind and lovely.
- It's fake!
- [scoffs]
He probably works in a bank
and has people's houses repossessed.
- [chuckles]
- He's doing his...
[mockingly] "Oh, you know, I'm so caring
in a cruel world, in't I?"
- His... "Oh, isn't famine awful?"
- [sniggers]
"I'd like to take them all
to McDonald's, babe."
- [giggles]
- [Tony sniggers]
Stop it!
Oh...
Well... I don't feel the same about him
the way I do about you.
Good.
But, well...
you're not an option, are you?
I think you're brilliant, Tony, and...
But at least he doesn't go on
about another woman the way you do.
And I know... I understand, Tony,
I get why you do, and it's...
it's lovely, it really is.
But I don't want to be the other woman.
Oh, did I blow it? Sorry, I...
It's fine, really.
There's no need to be sorry. It's...
I like this, though. I love this.
Whatever this is.
Just being with you... all the time,
the same...
forever...
like Groundhog Day. [chuckles]
[chuckles sadly]
Yeah, well...
I get all that, but...
not everyone's the same, Tony.
Right.
[wistful music plays]
[nurse chuckles wryly]
I don't know whether to psychoanalyze you
or take you down the vet
and get you fucking put down.
You gotta get out there, mate.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Dunk the monk.
Bang some beaver.
Shoot some Schpritz.
What's that?
It's Yiddish for spunk.
Oh, right.
Listen, the offer's still open if you want
to come out with me and the boys.
We're actually getting messy tonight,
as it goes.
Local pub crawl and a minge hunt.
Um... That's a very kind offer,
but I can't tonight, unfortunately.
Poof!
[cat purring]
He's asking who you are.
They're from the local newspaper.
[chuckles]
So...
when did you... first discover
you could speak to cats?
Well, it was not long
after my daughter died.
Um... he was her cat, you see.
And I just started talking to him
about missing Jenny, and...
we bonded.
It's nice to have someone who understands.
Yep... [sighs]
...it is.
Uh... what's his name?
- [woman] Frank.
- Frank.
She named him after her dad.
That's my husband.
[inhales shakily] He passed away
a couple of years before Jenny.
Would you like another cup of tea?
Uh...
No, thanks. Um...
Uh... can we take a quick picture?
Oh, yeah.
[camera clicks]
- Great.
- [woman] Is that it, then?
Yeah.
Um...
Are you hungry?
I could make you something to eat.
No. No, thanks.
[sadly] Oh, all right, then.
- [Tony] Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
- [Tony] Right, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Thank you.
[Tony] That's so sad.
- [Lenny] She's happy enough.
- [Tony] No, she's not.
She wants to tell her story.
She wants to see her husband
and her daughter's name in the paper.
The cat thing's just an in.
She's lonely.
- Did you forget something?
- [Tony] Um...
Sorry about your husband and daughter.
- [sentimental music plays]
- Oh, thank you.
Frank and Jenny?
Yes.
Bye-bye.
Oh, bye-bye. Thank you.
If I could live till he's 50,
that would make me happy.
I don't think he'll live longer than that,
to be honest. Think he'd struggle.
He struggles now.
Roger Realms.
Have I told you about him?
Roger by name, Roger by nature?
Who's Roger Realms?
Agent. Used to work with him.
Would only sign black lads.
I'd often wander into Roger's
dressing room, and there he'd be
with some boy hanging off him,
he was basically an arse peg.
Went early doors with AIDS,
but good luck to him, you know.
God bless you, Roger.
I've run a few
of these little local newspapers
around the country. I know
that doesn't make me Rupert Murdoch.
But this is the only one
that loses money.
- Is it?
- Effectively, yes.
I mean, I own the building,
so it's not a massive problem.
Look, the fact is, uh... I'm semi-retired.
And I'm wondering is it...
is it worth the headache?
I mean, I'm just thinking
I could throw in the towel.
Sell the property and get a nice lump sum.
Could you give us more time,
do you think?
[inhales sharply] Uh...
Just if we could...
- make more money, then...
- Look...
- We could find a way, I'm sure.
- OK.
I mean, it's going to take a bit of time
to sell the property,
get all the paperwork right. Um...
And if you can...
Well, if you can make me an offer
I can't refuse, yes, then I'll look at it.
But quite frankly, I...
I'm sorry,
but I really don't see that happening.
- Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry...
that we're not making much money.
- [Matt] So, speak soon.
- [owner] OK, thank you.
OK, everyone? Um...
Listen up. That was Mr. Middleton, Paul.
Some of you know, he, um, owns everything:
the paper and the building.
Um...
He wants to stop running the paper.
What, sell it?
[Matt] Well, he wants to...
um... close the paper,
and then sell the building.
He'll sell it to a property developer.
This will be luxury flats.
[Kath] Well, I'll be all right.
Tambury Brewery have already said
they'd take me on.
Think the boss fancies me.
Right. Well...
Well, that's the end
of The Tambury Gazette, kids.
Don't worry,
we'll all just get another shitty job
that barely pays enough to live.
[Sandy]
This is the only job I've ever liked.
I've got to have a job.
My mum's disabled.
And my daddy can't work.
My brother and sister, they're in school,
and they get nothing as it is.
- OK.
- So I've got to go find another job
- that I'll hate. Again.
- [Tony] OK.
- Well, we'll save the paper, and...
- How?
We'll get more revenue. Kath'll get more.
- How?
- [Tony] 'Cause you're really...
good at your... job. You'll charge more
for advertising, like...
Tambury Brewery,
they'll pay more, won't they?
Or we get a loan.
Happens all the time.
We get a loan... We'll buy the...
building, and then we'll pay back the loan
with the profit from the...
the paper, and pay ourselves a wage,
and that'll be... then, it'll be our...
business to make it... work.
So, don't worry. [taps keyboard idly]
[choking back tears] You promise?
[Sandy sniffles]
You... you'll save the paper?
Yeah, I will.
- [Sandy] OK.
- We will.
[mournful music plays]
[Tony] Hmm.
How are you?
[halfheartedly] Yeah... you know.
That's pretty positive coming from you.
[chuckling]
I was trying to be all British
and not burden you with my... troubles.
Well, us British love gossip.
So, spill the beans.
Same, really. I'm... still a bit mental.
Trying hard to care about stuff.
And then today,
we find out that the owner of the paper,
he's selling up and...
we'll all lose our jobs.
Oh, no.
That's not the bad bit.
I was fine with that.
But then Sandy starts crying
'cause it's the only job she's ever liked,
and so, I've got to try
and save the paper for her sake.
And my brother-in-law, who was sleeping
on the floor of the office,
is now sleeping at Lenny's council house
'cause Lenny's shacked up with June,
who persuaded him
to give her fat kid a job at the paper.
Just think, if I'd have killed myself,
I'd have missed all this.
[Anne chuckles]
[Matt] Brainstorming session.
How do we turn the paper around?
How do we make it more profitable?
We need to go more tabloid.
Gossip, celebrity stuff, fashion.
Who looks shit an' that, you know?
"Who looks shit an' that"?
Yeah.
Well, pictures of cellulite,
that kind of thing.
You know, amazing stories.
Paranormal, weird stuff.
I love that.
- Right.
- [Tony] Right.
You want tabloid,
you want to speak to my agent, Ken.
Yeah, we did. He's mental.
Well, we could run the Liberace story.
N-No, we couldn't.
- Well, what is it?
- His agent reckons
- he was bummed by the ghost of Liberace.
- [Lenny] Mm-hmm.
- Well, it might be true.
- How the fuck can it be true?
We don't know everything
- about the paranormal.
- Lot of weird stuff.
Right. It's all about belief, isn't it?
You know, that's not up to us,
what people believe.
Papers are always covering
religious miracles and stuff.
- Yeah, and they're always bollocks.
- It's not for us to say.
It is for us to say, we're writing it.
Yeah, but we're only reporting
what was said.
- Right.
- Ghosts do exist, though.
Loads of people have seen 'em,
and there's no other explanation.
Well, there is another explanation:
they haven't seen them
'cause they don't exist.
How about that one?
No one has ever turned into a ghost.
When you die, they burn you or bury you,
you never exist again, the end.
[Valerie singing]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
♪ Dear Lisa ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- [guests cheer]
- All right, thank you so much!
- Right, cake!
- [Matt] Yeah! Oh, definitely. Lovely.
- Right.
- [Tony] I want some.
- Look at you at the front of the queue!
- I bought it!
- It's my birthday.
- I know, but I went and...
- Oh, fuck's sake.
- What?
- It's off. Yeah, it's fresh cream.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
- Oh, no.
- Smell it. Look.
- It's cherries.
- Oh, you silly cunt!
- [shocked squeals]
- Oh, no. You come back!
- Don't do it. Don't hit me!
[Matt] Go on, get him!
Ohh...
What'd you do that for?
You look sad.
- Right!
- Oh, that's a waste.
Right, OK.
I don't think this is helping, though.
- Oh, look, it's all over you.
- [Matt] Don't. Kath, please. Stop.
As long as we're working hard
to turn things around.
- Some on your face as well.
- It's all right. OK. Yeah.
- Fun's over, guys.
- [Sandy giggles]
- Can I have a word in my office, please?
- [Tony] Oh, God.
[Matt] Don't, Kath, please.
Stop trying to...
- [James] Is this for everyone?
- [giggling] Yeah.
Good stuff!
- You just had a cake fight?
- [Lenny] Yeah.
- Looks like fun.
- Mm.
- [Brian] Can I have some?
- [Sandy] Go for it.
Thank you. OK, let's dive in.
One, two, three. Here we go.
- You like it?
- It's so good.
- What?
- [James] It's really good.
- [Brian] Huh?
- [James] Delicious.
I can't understand a word you're saying,
but I love watching you eat.
- Oh!
- You're like a fat toad eating a big worm.
A big creamy worm.
Hmm?
Will you come for a drink with me tonight?
- I prefer to drink alone.
- [Matt] I know.
I'm just saying as a favor. Please?
I still want to talk to people.
The only person who listens
is my therapist, and I have to pay him.
- And he's an idiot.
- Right.
I only want to talk to you.
And Jill, obviously,
but that's not possible at the moment.
My life's falling apart, Tony.
I go from sleeping on the floor
of my office to taking Lenny's flat,
and in return,
I give his fat stepson a job
at a paper that I'm now gonna lose.
It's, like, the final straw.
Well...
actually, being needed is...
is a good thing.
You helped a mate
with his relationship,
gave his fat kid a job, you should be...
proud of yourself.
Right. You see,
you're making me feel better already.
Come on, please? One lousy pint.
All right. Fuckin' hell.
Thank you.
I'd get changed if I were you.
- [tuts] Yeah.
- [door opens]
[sniffs]
[door opens]
[door closes]
All right?
I'm Pat.
Er... Roxy. How you doing?
Yeah, good. Yeah.
Do you want to sit down?
- [Roxy] OK.
- [Pat grunts]
Oh. Well, you didn't, uh, didn't flinch
when you first saw me, that's rare.
- [Pat chuckles awkwardly]
- [laughs]
Yeah, and I made you laugh!
- I'm nervous. Nervous laughter.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean... Yeah.
I dunno why I said that.
I was just a bit nervous.
I'm not a rapist or anything.
- Oh, OK!
- Shouldn't have said rape. Want a drink?
- Er, yes.
- Yeah? What do you want?
- Um...
- I'm just having a house red.
It's all right.
It's only four pound a glass, so...
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[pop music plays]
[Matt] OK. Um... IPA, please.
- And a...
- Large whiskey, please.
[therapist] Oi oi! Matt!
How you doing?
- You all right?
- I'm all right, yeah.
These are my boys.
That's Ratty, the Nonce.
- Hello.
- All right?
Yeah. No, I've heard all about you two.
Yeah, he's got loads of other nicknames,
not just the Nonce. Pipe up.
Yeah. Fanny-tastic. Minge and Bracket.
- Clitoris Allsorts.
- [therapist and Ratty snigger]
[Ratty] Shit Nuts.
- Harold Shitmum.
- Queermint Rhino.
[childish snickering]
- The Growler Prowler. Billy the Cunt.
- Yeah.
- [Ratty] Michael Parkinbum.
- [therapist guffaws]
Look. That's the suicidal one with
the dead wife I was telling you about.
- Oh, yeah.
- You all right?
Shouldn't you have
a confidentiality agreement?
- I didn't say your name, mate.
- Right,
but... OK, yeah, no, good point.
So, you took my advice, yeah,
come down for a pussy hunt?
- Ooooh!
- [Ratty] Oi oi! On a pussy hunt, are ya?
[making shooting and splattering sounds]
[therapist grunting]
Come and join us, man.
- I'm not on duty, it's free of charge.
- No.
- Afraid I can't. Just having a couple.
- Oh, yeah? Nice jacket.
- [Ratty and Nonce snigger]
- Thanks.
Come on! What's the matter with you?
I should go check on Tony.
Go on, then.
Bang some beaver for us, yeah?
[Nonce] Yeah, go on.
Have a good night.
- Size of that mushroom!
- [Roxy chuckles]
It's like a quarter...
Only a quarter of it.
It's good value, innit, for you?
This was 13 quid.
[Roxy laughs]
[laughs]
No, I'm serious. This was 13 quid.
So, how comes you're single, then?
'Cause I used to be twice this size.
[chuckles lightly]
[Pat] No, I'm serious.
At my heaviest...
about 24 stone.
I lost it all, didn't I,
when I became a postman.
I think big blokes are sexy.
No, I was an absolute mess.
I was a car crash under there.
I've still got a lot of loose skin, but...
- I'm saving up to get it sorted.
- [chuckles]
[laughs] No, I'm serious.
It's 'orrible down there. 'Orrible.
Really bad.
I'm loving this.
[Roxy] Risotto? It's good!
No, this...
the date.
I'm enjoying it as well.
You know, I know you're out of my league
and that, but... ahh! Yeah.
No, it's good. It's been fun.
- Fuckin' hell.
- Maybe he's right, though.
Maybe I should bang some beaver.
Bang some...?
Bang some beaver. His words, not mine.
Yeah, exactly. They're his words,
they should never be said
by any other human being.
[Tony] Fuckin' hell.
Can't hurt, though, can it?
- What?
- [Matt sighs]
Chatting up a girl.
"Chatting up a girl"?
What about those two over there?
Don't look.
No. No.
They've come here for a quiet drink.
To talk to each other.
- Not to be chatted up by you.
- Why not? Come on, come over with me.
No, no, no, no!
- Please?
- No.
Just sit over there with me.
Not to make a move, just sit at the table.
So, to talk to each other and drink?
Not to bother any...
Yeah.
All right.
[indistinct chattering]
Uh, anyone sitting here?
- Er, no, go for it.
- Great.
[funky beat plays]
- This is pretty funky, isn't it?
- Sit down!
[Tony] Please.
OK.
Right.
- Um... Are you...
- No.
Girls' night out?
Er, yeah.
[women continue chatting indistinctly]
Just to say, you can relax.
Uh... we're not married men...
as such. We're... I am married.
Um, but I'm separated.
Getting divorced, probably.
Um...
Tony's wife's died.
Um... of cancer.
So, it's totally, uh, legitimate.
What is?
Just talking to us. It's not...
Sorry.
Yeah, and how's your mum?
[Tony sighs deeply]
- I think I'm out of practice.
- You reckon?
- 'Cause that was...
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [Simon] Hi.
- Oh, you've, uh, met... Tony, I think.
- [Tony] Yeah.
[Simon] Yeah.
[Tony] Ah...
- 'Ave a good night.
- [nurse] Yes.
- You OK?
- [Tony] Yep.
- [Nonce] Just do it.
- [grunting]
- Go on, wank yourself off!
- [grunting, splattering]
I reckon we've spent about the same,
so that's worked out.
We said we was going to go halves,
didn't we?
Let me get it.
- No, no, no...
- Let me get it.
- I'd like to get it.
- No.
Let's go halves.
And I tell you what, how about you pay
for the whole thing next time?
[laughs]
Do you want there to be a next time?
- Yes. I mean...
- [relieved chuckling]
- Oh, result!
- I do.
- I don't know what is happening here.
- [chuckles] Oh, smashing.
- You say it all out loud, don't you?
- Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Don't be sorry, it's nice.
- Shall we piss off, then?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Roxy] Sort of.
- [chuckles]
Do you want me to walk you home?
Oh, no. I've, erm...
I've got to head off to work now.
Peak time.
Right, yeah...
- It's just a job.
- Yeah.
What time do you finish?
Not till early morning.
I might bump into you, then.
[chuckles] Maybe.
Well, have a good one.
- You have a good one.
- Yeah.
- See you later.
- See you later.
What are you doing?
[Tony] Just filming that little quiff
you've done.
- Aw, I like it! It's cute.
- It's...
OK, everybody. Shush.
Could I have your attention, please?
Uh, we're going to have
the first dance now,
so I give you the bride and groom!
[guests cheer and applaud]
["So Amazing" by Luther Vandross plays]
- [Jill] That's my dress.
- [Matt] Sorry.
♪ Love has truly ♪
♪ Been good to me ♪
♪ Not even one sad day ♪
♪ Or minute have I had
Since you've come my way ♪
♪ I hope you know ♪
♪ I'll gladly go ♪
♪ Anywhere you take me ♪
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
♪ I'd follow you to the moon
In the sky above ♪
♪ I've got ♪
♪ Got to tell you ♪
♪ How you thrill me ♪
♪ I'm happy as I can be ♪
♪ You have come
And it's changed my whole world ♪
♪ Bye-bye, sadness ♪
♪ Hello, mellow ♪
♪ What a wonderful day ♪
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
♪ I'd follow you to the moon
In the sky above ♪
♪ My girl ♪
- ♪ And it's so amazing ♪
- ♪ So amazing ♪
- ♪ I could stay forever ♪
- ♪ Stay forever... ♪
- Well, I didn't want to disturb you.
- What do you mean?
- I was gonna come in and eat at the table,
but I didn't know if you was busy
so I'm having it here.
But those aren't the only two options,
are they,
eat in my house
or just outside my house?
- There's the rest of the fucking world.
- All right, don't get the hump!
So, did you talk to that bird about me?
Yeah.
She'll meet up...
for a meal, or whatever.
- [Pat] Really?
- Yeah.
- And you was honest about me?
- [Tony] Pretty much.
What, and she still wants to meet me?
What's the catch?
Well, she wanted me to be honest
about her to you as well.
She's a sex worker.
- A prossie?
- Yeah.
Result!
- [slurps]
- You're not bothered?
She ain't got AIDS, has she?
Would that be a deal-breaker?
No.
No, she hasn't got AIDS.
- And she's lovely, and smart, and funny.
- She'll earn a few quid for that an' all.
Just split the bill.
- Lovely jubbly.
- [Tony] Right, OK...
- [slurping]
- Off we go.
Why?
'Cause it's weird,
a postman having a picnic in your garden.
What's weird about it?
Get out.
Where's all this coming from?
[gentle music plays]
Out! Fuckin' hell.
[kids laughing and squealing]
You all right, George?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Are Mum and Dad getting a divorce?
I don't know.
I want them to still be my mum and dad.
Whatever happens,
even if they're not always together,
they'll still be your mum and dad,
and love you, and...
be an even better mum and dad,
you can play them off against each other,
get anything you want.
- What toy do you want?
- Dunno.
Well, think big. I reckon
you'll be able to get a quad bike.
Maybe even a crossbow,
if you play your cards right. [chuckles]
You'll be living the dream.
You'll be like, "Mum, Dad,
I'm off down the pub. Don't wait up."
[both giggle]
It'll be fine.
- [boy] Hi, George.
- [George] Hi.
- Morning.
- Oh, happy birthday!
- How did you know?
- It's on your records.
- Oh, yeah.
- [Valerie] Any plans?
Just a meal at home with my family.
- Who will cook, your mum or your dad?
- Me.
Well, happy birthday.
Thank you.
Happy birthday!
Thank you.
- Cup of tea, then?
- Yes, please.
No, you make it.
Why?
You're the work experience.
You have to start at the bottom.
It's Sandy's birthday,
make her a cup of tea.
It's your birthday?
Er, yeah.
- [Tony] Happy birthday.
- Thanks.
Is there going to be cake?
Just make the tea!
God!
- Is there gonna be any cake, though?
- [snorts]
So, you're a Virgo?
- Yeah.
- [Kath] Yeah.
Do your horoscope for you if you like?
Nah, 'cause it's pointless.
- It's not pointless, actually.
- How can people born around the same time,
from all over the world,
share similar traits just because of that?
- It's rubbish.
- It's true!
Virgos are smart, modest,
capable, dedicated.
See? Fits, don't it?
Yeah, everyone likes to think
they're those things!
That's why they make it flattering,
so you believe it. If it said,
"Oh, you're boring, ugly, thick,
and shit at everything,"
you wouldn't go back, would ya?
Also, they make it vague
so you can make it fit.
I want to see one in the paper that says,
"Happy birthday, Rita Wainthrope
of 7 Acacia Drive, Wigan.
You're going to get fired
from your job today
'cause everyone hates you
and the boss thinks you're a slut."
Then I'd believe it.
- Always have to get silly, don't you?
- [sniggers]
You all right?
[glumly] Yeah.
I'm just... feeling a bit...
I dunno... 30.
Yeah, I hated 30.
Quite liked 40.
Fifty was all right.
It's not your age, is it?
It's what's happening...
in your life.
Not a lot.
Do you want to go for a coffee?
- Yeah.
- Come on, then.
Do you know what my parents got me
for my birthday?
A set of saucepans and a super mop.
[chuckles]
What's super about it?
It's got an ultra-absorbent sponge head.
- It cleans, dries, and absorbs in one go.
- Sure.
Do you know how?
- Wring-Max technology.
- [laughs]
For maximum wringing. [chuckles]
Good.
I feel bad whinging to you.
My problems probably seem so trivial.
No, not at all.
Also...
I've been wanting to apologize
for something I said once too.
What?
When I asked you to be happy.
I realized it's a stupid thing to say.
No, it's...
You wanted me to be happy.
I get it.
People think that...
all those things I miss doing with Lisa,
I could just do them anyway,
and it'll make me feel better.
But, um... they're missing the point.
I don't miss doing things with Lisa,
I miss doing nothing... with Lisa.
Do you know what I mean?
Just... sitting at home,
wouldn't even have to go out,
or do anything, or even talk,
you know, just...
sitting there, knowing she was there.
Sometimes, I'd just look over at her.
- This has turned out well again.
- [strained chuckle]
- [Sandy sighs]
- Ah...
So, does it do lino, and tiles, and wood?
It does everything.
- Brilliant!
- Yeah.
- [laughter]
- [Simon] What do you drive?
It's a little Mini...
But I don't drive it now,
I'm trying to minimize...
- Hiya.
- Hi.
Hiya, just... Simon, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Tony.
You're here a lot.
- Yeah, my mum's in here.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, it breaks my heart.
They all break my heart, I love 'em all.
I wish I could take them all home.
- [Simon chuckles]
- Aw... That's sweet.
Maybe start with your mum first,
take her home, and...
Yeah, I can't,
not with my circumstances at the moment.
- [Tony] Oh.
- [Simon] I do what I can.
Maybe everyone's in the same boat.
- Yeah, sure.
- [Tony] Yeah.
Nice to meet ya.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
See you later, babe.
[Tony] Fuckin' hell!
What?
Him.
What about him?
He's doing his...
"sensitive man" thing, isn't he?
He's trying to be all kind and lovely
to you, to impress you.
I don't know. Call me old-fashioned,
but it kinda works,
being kind and lovely.
- It's fake!
- [scoffs]
He probably works in a bank
and has people's houses repossessed.
- [chuckles]
- He's doing his...
[mockingly] "Oh, you know, I'm so caring
in a cruel world, in't I?"
- His... "Oh, isn't famine awful?"
- [sniggers]
"I'd like to take them all
to McDonald's, babe."
- [giggles]
- [Tony sniggers]
Stop it!
Oh...
Well... I don't feel the same about him
the way I do about you.
Good.
But, well...
you're not an option, are you?
I think you're brilliant, Tony, and...
But at least he doesn't go on
about another woman the way you do.
And I know... I understand, Tony,
I get why you do, and it's...
it's lovely, it really is.
But I don't want to be the other woman.
Oh, did I blow it? Sorry, I...
It's fine, really.
There's no need to be sorry. It's...
I like this, though. I love this.
Whatever this is.
Just being with you... all the time,
the same...
forever...
like Groundhog Day. [chuckles]
[chuckles sadly]
Yeah, well...
I get all that, but...
not everyone's the same, Tony.
Right.
[wistful music plays]
[nurse chuckles wryly]
I don't know whether to psychoanalyze you
or take you down the vet
and get you fucking put down.
You gotta get out there, mate.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Dunk the monk.
Bang some beaver.
Shoot some Schpritz.
What's that?
It's Yiddish for spunk.
Oh, right.
Listen, the offer's still open if you want
to come out with me and the boys.
We're actually getting messy tonight,
as it goes.
Local pub crawl and a minge hunt.
Um... That's a very kind offer,
but I can't tonight, unfortunately.
Poof!
[cat purring]
He's asking who you are.
They're from the local newspaper.
[chuckles]
So...
when did you... first discover
you could speak to cats?
Well, it was not long
after my daughter died.
Um... he was her cat, you see.
And I just started talking to him
about missing Jenny, and...
we bonded.
It's nice to have someone who understands.
Yep... [sighs]
...it is.
Uh... what's his name?
- [woman] Frank.
- Frank.
She named him after her dad.
That's my husband.
[inhales shakily] He passed away
a couple of years before Jenny.
Would you like another cup of tea?
Uh...
No, thanks. Um...
Uh... can we take a quick picture?
Oh, yeah.
[camera clicks]
- Great.
- [woman] Is that it, then?
Yeah.
Um...
Are you hungry?
I could make you something to eat.
No. No, thanks.
[sadly] Oh, all right, then.
- [Tony] Thanks very much.
- Thank you.
- [Tony] Right, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Thank you.
[Tony] That's so sad.
- [Lenny] She's happy enough.
- [Tony] No, she's not.
She wants to tell her story.
She wants to see her husband
and her daughter's name in the paper.
The cat thing's just an in.
She's lonely.
- Did you forget something?
- [Tony] Um...
Sorry about your husband and daughter.
- [sentimental music plays]
- Oh, thank you.
Frank and Jenny?
Yes.
Bye-bye.
Oh, bye-bye. Thank you.
If I could live till he's 50,
that would make me happy.
I don't think he'll live longer than that,
to be honest. Think he'd struggle.
He struggles now.
Roger Realms.
Have I told you about him?
Roger by name, Roger by nature?
Who's Roger Realms?
Agent. Used to work with him.
Would only sign black lads.
I'd often wander into Roger's
dressing room, and there he'd be
with some boy hanging off him,
he was basically an arse peg.
Went early doors with AIDS,
but good luck to him, you know.
God bless you, Roger.
I've run a few
of these little local newspapers
around the country. I know
that doesn't make me Rupert Murdoch.
But this is the only one
that loses money.
- Is it?
- Effectively, yes.
I mean, I own the building,
so it's not a massive problem.
Look, the fact is, uh... I'm semi-retired.
And I'm wondering is it...
is it worth the headache?
I mean, I'm just thinking
I could throw in the towel.
Sell the property and get a nice lump sum.
Could you give us more time,
do you think?
[inhales sharply] Uh...
Just if we could...
- make more money, then...
- Look...
- We could find a way, I'm sure.
- OK.
I mean, it's going to take a bit of time
to sell the property,
get all the paperwork right. Um...
And if you can...
Well, if you can make me an offer
I can't refuse, yes, then I'll look at it.
But quite frankly, I...
I'm sorry,
but I really don't see that happening.
- Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry...
that we're not making much money.
- [Matt] So, speak soon.
- [owner] OK, thank you.
OK, everyone? Um...
Listen up. That was Mr. Middleton, Paul.
Some of you know, he, um, owns everything:
the paper and the building.
Um...
He wants to stop running the paper.
What, sell it?
[Matt] Well, he wants to...
um... close the paper,
and then sell the building.
He'll sell it to a property developer.
This will be luxury flats.
[Kath] Well, I'll be all right.
Tambury Brewery have already said
they'd take me on.
Think the boss fancies me.
Right. Well...
Well, that's the end
of The Tambury Gazette, kids.
Don't worry,
we'll all just get another shitty job
that barely pays enough to live.
[Sandy]
This is the only job I've ever liked.
I've got to have a job.
My mum's disabled.
And my daddy can't work.
My brother and sister, they're in school,
and they get nothing as it is.
- OK.
- So I've got to go find another job
- that I'll hate. Again.
- [Tony] OK.
- Well, we'll save the paper, and...
- How?
We'll get more revenue. Kath'll get more.
- How?
- [Tony] 'Cause you're really...
good at your... job. You'll charge more
for advertising, like...
Tambury Brewery,
they'll pay more, won't they?
Or we get a loan.
Happens all the time.
We get a loan... We'll buy the...
building, and then we'll pay back the loan
with the profit from the...
the paper, and pay ourselves a wage,
and that'll be... then, it'll be our...
business to make it... work.
So, don't worry. [taps keyboard idly]
[choking back tears] You promise?
[Sandy sniffles]
You... you'll save the paper?
Yeah, I will.
- [Sandy] OK.
- We will.
[mournful music plays]
[Tony] Hmm.
How are you?
[halfheartedly] Yeah... you know.
That's pretty positive coming from you.
[chuckling]
I was trying to be all British
and not burden you with my... troubles.
Well, us British love gossip.
So, spill the beans.
Same, really. I'm... still a bit mental.
Trying hard to care about stuff.
And then today,
we find out that the owner of the paper,
he's selling up and...
we'll all lose our jobs.
Oh, no.
That's not the bad bit.
I was fine with that.
But then Sandy starts crying
'cause it's the only job she's ever liked,
and so, I've got to try
and save the paper for her sake.
And my brother-in-law, who was sleeping
on the floor of the office,
is now sleeping at Lenny's council house
'cause Lenny's shacked up with June,
who persuaded him
to give her fat kid a job at the paper.
Just think, if I'd have killed myself,
I'd have missed all this.
[Anne chuckles]
[Matt] Brainstorming session.
How do we turn the paper around?
How do we make it more profitable?
We need to go more tabloid.
Gossip, celebrity stuff, fashion.
Who looks shit an' that, you know?
"Who looks shit an' that"?
Yeah.
Well, pictures of cellulite,
that kind of thing.
You know, amazing stories.
Paranormal, weird stuff.
I love that.
- Right.
- [Tony] Right.
You want tabloid,
you want to speak to my agent, Ken.
Yeah, we did. He's mental.
Well, we could run the Liberace story.
N-No, we couldn't.
- Well, what is it?
- His agent reckons
- he was bummed by the ghost of Liberace.
- [Lenny] Mm-hmm.
- Well, it might be true.
- How the fuck can it be true?
We don't know everything
- about the paranormal.
- Lot of weird stuff.
Right. It's all about belief, isn't it?
You know, that's not up to us,
what people believe.
Papers are always covering
religious miracles and stuff.
- Yeah, and they're always bollocks.
- It's not for us to say.
It is for us to say, we're writing it.
Yeah, but we're only reporting
what was said.
- Right.
- Ghosts do exist, though.
Loads of people have seen 'em,
and there's no other explanation.
Well, there is another explanation:
they haven't seen them
'cause they don't exist.
How about that one?
No one has ever turned into a ghost.
When you die, they burn you or bury you,
you never exist again, the end.
[Valerie singing]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
♪ Dear Lisa ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- [guests cheer]
- All right, thank you so much!
- Right, cake!
- [Matt] Yeah! Oh, definitely. Lovely.
- Right.
- [Tony] I want some.
- Look at you at the front of the queue!
- I bought it!
- It's my birthday.
- I know, but I went and...
- Oh, fuck's sake.
- What?
- It's off. Yeah, it's fresh cream.
- No, it's not.
- It is.
- Oh, no.
- Smell it. Look.
- It's cherries.
- Oh, you silly cunt!
- [shocked squeals]
- Oh, no. You come back!
- Don't do it. Don't hit me!
[Matt] Go on, get him!
Ohh...
What'd you do that for?
You look sad.
- Right!
- Oh, that's a waste.
Right, OK.
I don't think this is helping, though.
- Oh, look, it's all over you.
- [Matt] Don't. Kath, please. Stop.
As long as we're working hard
to turn things around.
- Some on your face as well.
- It's all right. OK. Yeah.
- Fun's over, guys.
- [Sandy giggles]
- Can I have a word in my office, please?
- [Tony] Oh, God.
[Matt] Don't, Kath, please.
Stop trying to...
- [James] Is this for everyone?
- [giggling] Yeah.
Good stuff!
- You just had a cake fight?
- [Lenny] Yeah.
- Looks like fun.
- Mm.
- [Brian] Can I have some?
- [Sandy] Go for it.
Thank you. OK, let's dive in.
One, two, three. Here we go.
- You like it?
- It's so good.
- What?
- [James] It's really good.
- [Brian] Huh?
- [James] Delicious.
I can't understand a word you're saying,
but I love watching you eat.
- Oh!
- You're like a fat toad eating a big worm.
A big creamy worm.
Hmm?
Will you come for a drink with me tonight?
- I prefer to drink alone.
- [Matt] I know.
I'm just saying as a favor. Please?
I still want to talk to people.
The only person who listens
is my therapist, and I have to pay him.
- And he's an idiot.
- Right.
I only want to talk to you.
And Jill, obviously,
but that's not possible at the moment.
My life's falling apart, Tony.
I go from sleeping on the floor
of my office to taking Lenny's flat,
and in return,
I give his fat stepson a job
at a paper that I'm now gonna lose.
It's, like, the final straw.
Well...
actually, being needed is...
is a good thing.
You helped a mate
with his relationship,
gave his fat kid a job, you should be...
proud of yourself.
Right. You see,
you're making me feel better already.
Come on, please? One lousy pint.
All right. Fuckin' hell.
Thank you.
I'd get changed if I were you.
- [tuts] Yeah.
- [door opens]
[sniffs]
[door opens]
[door closes]
All right?
I'm Pat.
Er... Roxy. How you doing?
Yeah, good. Yeah.
Do you want to sit down?
- [Roxy] OK.
- [Pat grunts]
Oh. Well, you didn't, uh, didn't flinch
when you first saw me, that's rare.
- [Pat chuckles awkwardly]
- [laughs]
Yeah, and I made you laugh!
- I'm nervous. Nervous laughter.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean... Yeah.
I dunno why I said that.
I was just a bit nervous.
I'm not a rapist or anything.
- Oh, OK!
- Shouldn't have said rape. Want a drink?
- Er, yes.
- Yeah? What do you want?
- Um...
- I'm just having a house red.
It's all right.
It's only four pound a glass, so...
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[pop music plays]
[Matt] OK. Um... IPA, please.
- And a...
- Large whiskey, please.
[therapist] Oi oi! Matt!
How you doing?
- You all right?
- I'm all right, yeah.
These are my boys.
That's Ratty, the Nonce.
- Hello.
- All right?
Yeah. No, I've heard all about you two.
Yeah, he's got loads of other nicknames,
not just the Nonce. Pipe up.
Yeah. Fanny-tastic. Minge and Bracket.
- Clitoris Allsorts.
- [therapist and Ratty snigger]
[Ratty] Shit Nuts.
- Harold Shitmum.
- Queermint Rhino.
[childish snickering]
- The Growler Prowler. Billy the Cunt.
- Yeah.
- [Ratty] Michael Parkinbum.
- [therapist guffaws]
Look. That's the suicidal one with
the dead wife I was telling you about.
- Oh, yeah.
- You all right?
Shouldn't you have
a confidentiality agreement?
- I didn't say your name, mate.
- Right,
but... OK, yeah, no, good point.
So, you took my advice, yeah,
come down for a pussy hunt?
- Ooooh!
- [Ratty] Oi oi! On a pussy hunt, are ya?
[making shooting and splattering sounds]
[therapist grunting]
Come and join us, man.
- I'm not on duty, it's free of charge.
- No.
- Afraid I can't. Just having a couple.
- Oh, yeah? Nice jacket.
- [Ratty and Nonce snigger]
- Thanks.
Come on! What's the matter with you?
I should go check on Tony.
Go on, then.
Bang some beaver for us, yeah?
[Nonce] Yeah, go on.
Have a good night.
- Size of that mushroom!
- [Roxy chuckles]
It's like a quarter...
Only a quarter of it.
It's good value, innit, for you?
This was 13 quid.
[Roxy laughs]
[laughs]
No, I'm serious. This was 13 quid.
So, how comes you're single, then?
'Cause I used to be twice this size.
[chuckles lightly]
[Pat] No, I'm serious.
At my heaviest...
about 24 stone.
I lost it all, didn't I,
when I became a postman.
I think big blokes are sexy.
No, I was an absolute mess.
I was a car crash under there.
I've still got a lot of loose skin, but...
- I'm saving up to get it sorted.
- [chuckles]
[laughs] No, I'm serious.
It's 'orrible down there. 'Orrible.
Really bad.
I'm loving this.
[Roxy] Risotto? It's good!
No, this...
the date.
I'm enjoying it as well.
You know, I know you're out of my league
and that, but... ahh! Yeah.
No, it's good. It's been fun.
- Fuckin' hell.
- Maybe he's right, though.
Maybe I should bang some beaver.
Bang some...?
Bang some beaver. His words, not mine.
Yeah, exactly. They're his words,
they should never be said
by any other human being.
[Tony] Fuckin' hell.
Can't hurt, though, can it?
- What?
- [Matt sighs]
Chatting up a girl.
"Chatting up a girl"?
What about those two over there?
Don't look.
No. No.
They've come here for a quiet drink.
To talk to each other.
- Not to be chatted up by you.
- Why not? Come on, come over with me.
No, no, no, no!
- Please?
- No.
Just sit over there with me.
Not to make a move, just sit at the table.
So, to talk to each other and drink?
Not to bother any...
Yeah.
All right.
[indistinct chattering]
Uh, anyone sitting here?
- Er, no, go for it.
- Great.
[funky beat plays]
- This is pretty funky, isn't it?
- Sit down!
[Tony] Please.
OK.
Right.
- Um... Are you...
- No.
Girls' night out?
Er, yeah.
[women continue chatting indistinctly]
Just to say, you can relax.
Uh... we're not married men...
as such. We're... I am married.
Um, but I'm separated.
Getting divorced, probably.
Um...
Tony's wife's died.
Um... of cancer.
So, it's totally, uh, legitimate.
What is?
Just talking to us. It's not...
Sorry.
Yeah, and how's your mum?
[Tony sighs deeply]
- I think I'm out of practice.
- You reckon?
- 'Cause that was...
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [Simon] Hi.
- Oh, you've, uh, met... Tony, I think.
- [Tony] Yeah.
[Simon] Yeah.
[Tony] Ah...
- 'Ave a good night.
- [nurse] Yes.
- You OK?
- [Tony] Yep.
- [Nonce] Just do it.
- [grunting]
- Go on, wank yourself off!
- [grunting, splattering]
I reckon we've spent about the same,
so that's worked out.
We said we was going to go halves,
didn't we?
Let me get it.
- No, no, no...
- Let me get it.
- I'd like to get it.
- No.
Let's go halves.
And I tell you what, how about you pay
for the whole thing next time?
[laughs]
Do you want there to be a next time?
- Yes. I mean...
- [relieved chuckling]
- Oh, result!
- I do.
- I don't know what is happening here.
- [chuckles] Oh, smashing.
- You say it all out loud, don't you?
- Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Don't be sorry, it's nice.
- Shall we piss off, then?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Roxy] Sort of.
- [chuckles]
Do you want me to walk you home?
Oh, no. I've, erm...
I've got to head off to work now.
Peak time.
Right, yeah...
- It's just a job.
- Yeah.
What time do you finish?
Not till early morning.
I might bump into you, then.
[chuckles] Maybe.
Well, have a good one.
- You have a good one.
- Yeah.
- See you later.
- See you later.
What are you doing?
[Tony] Just filming that little quiff
you've done.
- Aw, I like it! It's cute.
- It's...
OK, everybody. Shush.
Could I have your attention, please?
Uh, we're going to have
the first dance now,
so I give you the bride and groom!
[guests cheer and applaud]
["So Amazing" by Luther Vandross plays]
- [Jill] That's my dress.
- [Matt] Sorry.
♪ Love has truly ♪
♪ Been good to me ♪
♪ Not even one sad day ♪
♪ Or minute have I had
Since you've come my way ♪
♪ I hope you know ♪
♪ I'll gladly go ♪
♪ Anywhere you take me ♪
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
♪ I'd follow you to the moon
In the sky above ♪
♪ I've got ♪
♪ Got to tell you ♪
♪ How you thrill me ♪
♪ I'm happy as I can be ♪
♪ You have come
And it's changed my whole world ♪
♪ Bye-bye, sadness ♪
♪ Hello, mellow ♪
♪ What a wonderful day ♪
♪ It's so amazing to be loved ♪
♪ I'd follow you to the moon
In the sky above ♪
♪ My girl ♪
- ♪ And it's so amazing ♪
- ♪ So amazing ♪
- ♪ I could stay forever ♪
- ♪ Stay forever... ♪