After Life (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

- Yes. Come and dance with me.
- I'm fucking hot.

- Come on.
- I'm too hot.

- Before you're too pissed to stand.
- Fuck's sake.

Please! Come on.

We can tango.

Oh, God! Come on!

Yeah!

Yes!

He didn't drop me!

Cheers!

Come on, then.



Yeah.

Oh...

Here.

Yeah.

Whose is that?

Brandy's breakfast, innit?

Come on.

Come here.

Good girl.

Another day. Gotta keep it together.

Face the world.

Just to let you know,
I got the flat share.

Oh... Good.

- So, the bath did the trick, didn't it?
- Who'd have thought it?



Maybe wash again someday.
Sky's the limit.

My life's finally on the up.

It's given me a new sense of confidence
if I'm honest.

Not much, but... it helps.

Oh, yeah. Who's that bird
I saw you with the other day?

Coming out of 'ere. Lovely sort.

- What bird?
- Blond. Really tasty.

Not yours, is she?

Oh. No.

Roxy.

Do you mind if I have a punt?

Don't get as much action
as you might think.

- I'll put in a word.
- Well, don't big me up too much,

she'll be pretty disappointed as it is.
You know, if anything, downplay it.

- Downplay you?
- Yeah.

How would that go?

Dunno. What d'you think?

I'd have to say,

"He looks like summat
police would drag out of a river."

Yeah, but not the posh bit of a river.

You know, something near a sewage works
or something.

Any mail?

No, don't think so.

Good. Cheers.

Ta-ra. See ya, mate.

Sorry about the...
thing with the meditation.

- He knows it wasn't your fault.
- Yeah.

It was his. For being an annoying prick.

Listen, Tony,
had you been drinking before that?

No. I had to have a little one after
to calm down.

- But...
- Right.

- And that was his fault too, I imagine?
- No.

Not just his.
Most things are a good excuse for a drink.

I've always got drunk,
but I used to drink when I was happy,

and... that was all right,

but now I drink when I'm sad,
and that's not so good 'cause it...

happens more often
and a little bit earlier.

Just stop, then.

- Brilliant!
- Come on, it's serious.

If you've got a problem,
you should go to AA, or rehab, or...

Why?

To get better.

Drinking isn't my illness, is it?

- Well, no, but it's bad for you.
- Everything's bad for you.

We're all dying.

Being healthy is just dying more slowly,
so...

OK, so... you'll live longer.

Yeah, but why?

What do you mean, "Why?" So you can do
more of the things that you enjoy.

I enjoy a drink.

- Right.
- All drunks hurt themselves.

Just the trick is to be a good drunk
and not hurt other people, but...

But that, though, Tony,
you calling yourself a drunk...

Only half the time. But, you know,
whatever... you want to label it,

I drink in times of trouble.

It's not my fault
the world's full of trouble, is it?

It's... it's an 'orrible place.

Everyone's screwed up in some way.
This is mine.

Everyone's got worries, like...

I dunno, money, or health, or famine, war.

We're chimps
with brains the size of planets.

No wonder we fucking get drunk
and try and kill each other. It's mental.

Always good to talk.

- Hiya.
- Hey.

- All right?
- Having a chat?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I was just explaining
my new plan is to drink myself to death

until I eventually implode in
on my own evolution.

Do you believe in all that?

Wh... what, the proven fact
that is evolution? Yeah.

That's just the problem, isn't it?
Your science only deals with facts.

- I'm a more open-minded type.
- Good.

- Love anything paranormal.
- Do ya?

Mm. Past lives. Telepathy.

Got a little bit of that myself, actually.

- Have ya?
- Mm.

Do you know how you know
when an angel's entered the room?

- So...
- Sorry,

are you going to carry on talking to me?

A sort of cinnamony smell.

- Childish.
- Hold on.

Has an angel just entered the room?

Oh, no, you're eating a bun.

So...

me being zen

didn't completely work out.

- No?
- No.

I went along
to the meditation thing, um...

but the guy was so annoying!

I ended up shouting at him
and storming out.

- How was he annoying?
- In every way.

Just slurping and sniffing.

- Oh, and doing that thing.
- What?

Oh!

- Exactly!
- Ah...

What did you shout?

I think I called him
"a snot-curdling cunt."

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

I went home, got drunk,

and watched videos of Lisa.

Do you know the fable
of the frog and the scorpion?

No.

Well, this scorpion wants
to get across the river.

So he asks the frog
if he'll give him a lift

on his back,
and the frog says, "No. You'd sting me."

And the scorpion says, "Why would
I do that? Then we'd both drown."

And so the frog said,
"Oh, yes, that's true. OK."

So halfway across the river,
the scorpion stings the frog.

And the frog says,

"Now we're both going to die.
Why did you sting me?"

And the scorpion says,

"Because I'm a scorpion."

Mm-hmm.

Yeah...

Yeah, I guess I can't change my nature.

No, you're the frog.

- The frog?
- Yes.

Really? Why?

Well, you knew you wouldn't enjoy
that meditation thing

but you went anyway
to please someone else.

And then you got angry,

and you even feel bad about that.

You're the frog.

Right.

Sensitive.

And trusting.

Nothing to do with the shape?

Or the throat?

Oh... the frog?

- I was hoping I was the scorpion.
- Yeah, I thought you would.

- Know what I mean?
- Yes.

Only 'cause it's cooler. I love frogs.

But what I mean is
no one ever says, "Oh, I'd like a man.

I'd like him to be
sort of podgy and sticky."

Fair.

"I'd like him to be able
to hang onto a leaf."

"I'd like my man to be able

to shove a worm into his mouth
with his front feet."

Everyone? Yeah, this is June's son, James.

- Your son now, innit?
- No, he's not.

Um, he's starting work experience today.

- Hi, everyone.
- Hey.

Be good. Do what you're told.
Come here. Don't be too annoying.

Look at this.

- Give us a kiss.
- Bloody hell, Mum!

- Right, see you later.
- See you later.

- Come on, you.
- OK. Bye.

Probably get on your nerves.
Got a good heart, though.

- OK.
- Well, not literally.

He's obese,
so all his insides are pretty bad.

Tragedy waiting to happen.
Well, he's got a terrible diet.

He's not had a poo for a week.

It's typical, that, though.

When he does go,
you can hear him all over the house,

in agony, screaming.

I say, "It's your own fault,
eat some bloody fruit!" But he won't.

I think that's how he'll die.

On the loo.
You know, like, straining, heart attack,

stroke, or something.

Like Elvis.

But without all the exciting stuff
Elvis did beforehand, you know?

Mm-hmm.

See you later.

All right. You probably should
start reading the paper.

- Why?
- Well, you're working here.

- I guess.
- James?

- Hi. Matt Braden, I'm the editor.
- Hi.

- Hi, Matt. Nice to meet you.
- You too.

This lot'll show you how it all works,
but if you've got any questions, just...

- Yeah, are we covering the am-dram?
- The...?

- What's that?
- I'm part of an amateur dramatics society,

we rehearse at the community hall.

It's brilliant, you know.
We do acting classes, dance.

You dance, do you?

Yeah, big time.

Dance, sing,

act, juggle...
I'm an all-round package, you know?

Mm.

Why don't you go and make some teas
for everyone?

- It's a good place to start, innit?
- OK. Um...

- Who wants tea?
- Nah.

I'm all right, thank you.

- No one wants tea.
- I'll have a tea.

- Oh, OK.
- Over there.

Sure.

- You seem happy having a family.
- Yeah.

It's about time I settled down.

With one woman!

Was you a bit of a ladies' man?

Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Right.
- Yeah.

See, I was a late starter,
so I had a lot of catching up to do.

You know, I didn't really start
playing the field till my 20s.

Oh. OK.

Yeah, I was quite shy in my teens.
I wasn't always this cool, I guess.

- No?
- No. I...

- I used to be sort of odd-looking.
- Fuck me!

- What did you used to look like?
- I dunno,

but I remember The Ugly Duckling
being quite inspirational.

Is that the one
where there's a weird little duckling

and all the other ducks
are taking the piss out of it,

but then when it grows up, it's not a duck
at all, it's, like, a big...

200-pound sort of human slug

that works in a local free newspaper?

- Yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.

Play the field... Fuckin' hell!

Um... I'd like to cover the am-dram,
if that's all right?

- Yeah. We should all go and have a look.
- Ooh...

- bis-quits!
- Definitely.

Bloody hell, I'm knackered.

- All right?
- All right.

Whoa, who's this?

Hi, I'm James.

- You should help Brian with the papers.
- That's not really my thing.

Well, you're meant to do
a bit of everything.

- Bloody hell, all right, Dad!
- No, I'm not.

Hey! Come on. I could do with a hand.
My back's killing me.

All right,
but I've got to be at rehearsals by five.

- Rehearsals for what?
- My am-dram group.

Can I join?

Yeah.
Anyone can join if they have the talent.

Bingo!

- Oh.
- Ha.

- What do you do?
- What don't I do?

I'm a puppeteer.

- Oh.
- I... I write jokes.

Check this out...

All right, Valerie?

Yep.

What's gray and comes in pints?

- Dunno.
- Elephant.

You're soaked!

- You're disgusting!
- Oh, really?

I'm not the one
with a face full of jizz, love!

Right, afternoon, Tambury Players.

- Afternoon, Ken.
- Everybody!

- Afternoon, Ken.
- Hello. How are we all doing?

- We all good?
- Not bad.

Right, Brian,
welcome to the Tambury Players.

- Hi, Brian.
- Hi, Brian.

Let's do a name game.

It's what we like to do,
don't we, when we get a new Player?

So, name, age,
and something that you don't like,

something that gets your goat,
something that winds you up.

- Uh... My name's Brian, and I'm 45.
- Mm.

- Oh.
- And I really don't like my ex-wife.

- Oh, dear.
- At all.

Right. Why's that?

- Slut.
- OK.

Right, come on. Best faces on.

- Oh, hello. Are you from The Gazette?
- Yep.

Ah! I run the society, Tambury Players.
Ken Otley, might've heard of me?

- No.
- No?

No? I'm involved
in showbiz professionally.

- OK.
- I just run this for a bit of fun.

We do a couple of performances every year.
We've got one in a week or so, actually.

It's a revue show. Uh...

A Night of a 1000 Stars.

- And it's this lot, is it?
- It's these guys, yeah.

Everyone's doing their own thing,
you know, so no arguments.

- Free expression!
- This is Brian, new face.

- Do you know him?
- Yeah, we know Brian.

I'm gonna do stand-up, mate.

- Yeah.
- And I'm doing feminist poetry.

I'm doing Send in the Clowns
with interpretive dance.

Anyway, enough talk.
Come on, let's show them what we do.

- On your feet. Get rid of these chairs.
- Yes, it's me!

Hi. I'm sorry about that night,
I wasn't... I wasn't myself.

Oh, shame. I really enjoyed it.

It was nice to meet someone
as cantankerous as me.

- Mm.
- What on earth

are you covering this shitshow for?

I only started coming

to get out of the house
when my dead husband was home.

I mean, they're twats, but
it was preferable than being around him.

Sure.

It's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
I feel like Nurse Ratched.

- See that little fat one?
- Mm.

Oh, I'd love to electrocute him.

- Hello, Brian!
- OK, and big people.

- Ken.
- Big. Really big.

Come on, in we go, Rebecca.
Jumping up and down a little bit.

Just a little jump,
don't do yourself any mischief.

I can't help it, I just really miss her.

She having it off with anyone else?

- No.
- You?

No, of course I'm not.

There was someone at work
who did say that she liked me, but...

I'm not interested,
and I'm just so fed up at the moment.

Fuck's sake,
we all get fed up and depressed, mate.

Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to...

I mean, what do you do
when you get depressed?

I get twatted with Ratty and the Nonce.

- Right.
- Go to the football. Start a fight.

I hate all this namby-pamby nonsense,
you know?

This bleeding hearts...

"Oh, toxic masculinity,

it's OK to cry!"

It's also OK to have five pints,
drop an E,

and do some fucking trollop from behind
against the bins.

Whatever floats your boat, boy.

I think I've broke my thumb
up some bird's arse.

You should come to me
if you want a good story.

I've had a life, let me tell you.
I've had a life.

Your readers'll wanna hear this,
write this down.

Um... I did go to drama school,
so I still act professionally,

but, you know, it's tough
to get the parts these days

if you're white, no offense, you know.

Taught drama at sixth form college
for a while,

do you know it? Full of liars.

Seriously, don't go there.
It's a nest of vipers.

Erm, I'm a talent agent by profession,
25 years in the business.

I've had 'em all through my books,

on the way up, on the way down,
and everything in between.

I could tell you some stories
about the showbiz world

that would make your hair curl.

- Like what?
- Bloody hell, where do we start?

Hey, you know what you should do?
Ghostwrite a gossip column for me.

- Right.
- This is gonna work. Right!

Come on. Let's do this.

- Grab a chair.
- Yeah.

Come on, let's make it happen,
for God's sake!

Oh, right.

The thing is, mate,
you've got to take these opportunities

when they offer themselves to you,
you know?

Like that bird at work.

- Yeah.
- Get it while you're young.

Oh...

Last week, right, we were, um...

we're pissed up
in Tamburgers in town, yeah?

And this waitress comes over
with the food. Fit.

And she goes, um,

"Is there anything else
I can do for you, gentlemen?"

And it was like, "Ding!"

Five minutes later, me and Ratty
are spitroasting her in the disabled bogs.

Yeah.

I'm banging away from behind, right?

Suddenly,
she takes Ratty's cock out her gob,

turns around to me and goes,
"Do you want fries with that?"

What a star!

Anyway, we come out, and there's this...

gammy little geezer in a wheelchair,

furious 'cause he's had to wait so long.

Yeah. Tuts at me.

So, I lean into him, I go,

"Hope you have as much fun in there
as we just did, you little cunt."

Yeah.

- Well, this has all been very helpful.
- Cheers.

Yeah.

Right, I've got a story for you.
Listen to this one.

I once had sex with a spirit.

I tell you what,
it weren't consensual either. Oh!

The plot thickens!

PSA.

Paranormal sexual assault,
it happens, OK?

Now, I like to sleep stark bollock naked
on me front, right?

That's my choice.

But some would say
that makes it my fault,

but that's just victim-blaming, in't it?
Nobody expects that.

I tell you something else as well,
I know who done it.

I was bummed...

by the ghost of Liberace.

That's the headline.

Made it easy for the bugger.

Why do you think he chose you?

Well, I might not be the only one!

When this gets out,
probably others will come forward.

That's how it usually happens, in't it?

Good. Well... Yeah...

I think we'll leave you
in the capable hands of...

- Sandy. So, yeah, tell her everything.
- Great. I will.

OK? Good.

- Cheers.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- All right.

Now, Sandy.
Liz Taylor, you remember her?

Friend of a friend of mine worked
on her autopsy, right?

They found out
she was absolutely crammed with love eggs.

I want to know.

- You feel how soft they were?
- Yeah, very soft.

Yeah, we use a bit of softener on them,
no expenses spared here.

- You do them yourself?
- No.

Well, I put them in the washing machine,
I don't manually scrub the towels.

Hi, Dad.

This was Mum's.

She used to read this to me.

Poems.

You didn't care for it much.
Nor did I. I just liked her reading to me.

"Whose woods these are
I think I know

His house is in the village, though

He will not see me stopping here

- To watch..."
- "To watch his woods...

Fill up with snow."

- Hi.
- Hi.

I saw you chatting with Simon,
I didn't want to disturb you.

Yes, I was chatting with Simon,
but, I mean, well...

we're not an item, are we?

- That was quick.
- No.

Nothing quick about it.

Sorry I'm such a flake.

It's OK.

You were right,
I'm not quite ready yet, but...

I'm... getting better, slowly.

Well, that's good.

Well, it is, yeah.
I'm trying to be a better person.

From where I was to, you know,

nearly fucking killing myself.

If it wasn't for the dog, I'd be dead.
So, little improvements.

Oh, well, that's great. Thanks for that.

You know, the dog is the only good thing
in your life.

Fuckin' hell.

I didn't say that, did I?

You saw what I was like, I was an arsehole
to everyone in the world.

I hated everyone. Do you know why?

'Cause they didn't die of cancer
like Lisa.

Including me.
I hated me, 'cause I didn't die.

And I'd swap places with her tomorrow.

Sorry.

Lisa's got cancer?

No. Not anymore.

Oh, good.

Because I love that girl.

Apple of my eye.

Couldn't stand anything to happen to her.

Yep.

Bon appétit.

Oh, wow!

I'm starving.

Wow!

Is it hot?

That is fucking rank!

Is it?

Lisa used to pretend it tasted good.

Yeah, but Lisa loved you!

She did.

- Oh, no. I didn't...
- No, you're exactly right.

She lied to encourage good behavior.
At least I'd tried, you know.

Women are better than men.

And they never stop trying
to bring us up to their standard.

I mean... you're the only man
who's ever cooked me a meal.

So, technically, that's the best meal
a man has ever cooked you.

So...

How bad is it?

Put it this way,

it's the worst thing
I've had in my mouth today.

- And it's been busy.
- Good.

Yeah.

I was and always will be useless
without her.

You're not... Don't say it.
You're not useless.

It's not that I couldn't do anything
without her, it's that I didn't want to.

It was no fun.

I'd come home,

she'd be in the kitchen... cooking,
like, chopping stuff,

feeding the dog, asking me about my day,

giving me advice on stuff, right?
And if she went, "Oh, pass the salt,"

I'd go, "Fuck me,
do I have to do everything around here?"

I miss her so much.

Have you ever thought
of having a real relationship?

You know, I want what you had.

- Marriage and...
- So...

this brings me to my next point.

I know a guy who's really into you...

and he'd like to meet up.

Do you like a man in uniform?

- Not a copper?
- No.

Soldier?

Postman.

- What's wrong with him?
- Honestly, I don't know where to start.

- Fucking hell!
- No.

He asked me to downplay him.

- Modest.
- Not really.

- No, um...
- OK.

- What does he look like?
- Uh...

Sort of... beard.

Like a hipster?

Well, more like
what the hipsters base their look on.

- Hippie?
- Homeless.

- Nothing wrong with the homeless.
- You're so woke.

So?

Come on, then. Well?

OK. Yeah.

Just tell him, you know...
tell him all about me

- and stuff so there's no weirdness.
- OK.

- Great.
- Great.

He'll be over the moon.

Brilliant.

I'm gonna have to go
'cause I actually need to eat...

...before I go to work.

No, that's fair enough. That's fine.

- I'm so sorry!
- Good. No.

You can let yourself out
'cause I need to eat the meal I cooked us.

- I'm sorry. Thank you.
- It's all right.

- See you later.
- See you later, lovely.

I'll tell the postman.

- See you later.
- See you later.

Mum, have you seen my juggling balls?

Oh... They're probably
where you left them, lovey.

I just thought you might have
put them down somewhere.

Um... I saw 'em in the kitchen earlier.

Yeah. I was practicing in there.

Oh, well done. Night night, darling.

Night, Mummy. Oh...

Night, Lenny.

Can I call you Dad?

- Not at the moment.
- All right. Night night.

Night night.

Oh... You silly cunt.

My own little Kojak.

Ah... Who loves ya, baby?

- You do.
- Knobhead.

You can talk.

Also...

...you've never looked so beautiful.

Oh, darling!

♪ If these old walls ♪

♪ If these old walls could speak ♪

♪ Of things that they remember well ♪

♪ Parties and people raisin' hell ♪

♪ A couple in love
Livin' week to week ♪

♪ Rooms full of laughter ♪

♪ If these old walls could speak ♪

♪ If hallowed halls ♪

♪ Oh, if hallowed halls could talk ♪

♪ These would have a tale to tell ♪

♪ Of sun goin' down and dinner bell ♪

♪ Children playing at hide and seek..."