After Life (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Be strong.

Be nice to your friends.

You always love it
when you do a nice thing, don't you?

I mean... you know, admittedly,

it's usually to apologize
for having said something awful, but...

Well, not awful, but too honest.

Not always the best policy.

You want your breakfast?

Yeah?

Come on, then.

♪ Such a feeling's coming over me ♪



♪ There is wonder
In most everything I see ♪

♪ Not a cloud in the sky ♪

♪ Got the sun in my eyes ♪

♪ And I won't be surprised
If it's a dream ♪

♪ Everything I want the world to be ♪

♪ Is now coming true
Especially for me ♪

♪ And the reason is clear ♪

♪ It's because you are here ♪

♪ You're the nearest thing to heaven
That I've seen ♪

♪ I'm on the top of the world
Lookin' down on creation ♪

♪ And the only explanation
I can find ♪

♪ Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around ♪

♪ Your love's put me
At the top of the world ♪

♪ Something in the wind
Has learned my name ♪



♪ And it's telling me
That things are not the same ♪

♪ In the leaves on the trees
And the touch of the breeze ♪

♪ There's a pleasin' sense of happiness
For me ♪

♪ There is only one wish
On my mind ♪

♪ When this day is through
I hope that I will find ♪

♪ That tomorrow will be
Just the same for you and me ♪

♪ All I need will be mine
If you are here ♪

♪ I'm on the top of the world
Lookin' down on creation ♪

♪ And the only explanation
I can find ♪

♪ Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around ♪

♪ Your love's put me
At the top of the world ♪

♪ I'm on the top of the world
Looking down on creation ♪

♪ And the only explanation
I can find ♪

♪ Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around ♪

♪ Your love's put me
At the top of the world ♪

- All right?
- Yeah.

That's from last night.

And that's the last one in the house,
so...

Got to sort myself out. Get better.

What we doing today?

- "Tambury's Oldest Woman."
- Right. How old is she?

Hundred.
She's got a telegram from the Queen.

- Are you all right?
- Huh? Yeah.

Just... feeling a bit low.

- Come on, mate. You were doing so well.
- Just feeling sorry for myself.

And guilty about that.

I meet people every day
with worse lives than me,

and they get on with it.

I'm gonna try and be more zen.

I'm not going to let cunts wind me up.

Is that a Buddha quote?

Exactly.

How's it going with the nurse?

Oh, um...

We're just friends, so...

- Oh.
- No, it's fine.

She said I wasn't over Lisa.

She's right.

Well, don't miss the boat.
She won't wait forever.

I still miss Lisa.

All the time.

But she wouldn't want me to,
not like this. Not in this much pain.

I'm...

getting a bit better every day.

Come on.

How did you feel
when you got the telegram?

What?

How did you feel
when you got the telegram from the Queen?

Same as I feel every other day.

Dreadful. In pain.
Wishing I hadn't lived through the night.

The Queen, though?

Some butler sent this.

What advice would you give to someone
to have a long life like yours?

Don't.

It's fucking awful.

It hurts just to be alive.

Here's my typical month:

first week, diarrhea.

The next three weeks?

I can't shit at all!

You must've seen a lot, though?
A hundred years.

I was born in Tambury.
I'll die in Tambury - very soon, I hope.

I've seen fuck-all!

I may as well have been a tree.

What do your family think of this?

I haven't got a family, they all died.

Right... Your friends here, though?

They're not friends.

They're cunts.

All of them.

I hate every single one of them.

And when I outlive one of them,

they bring a new cunt in
to take their place.

Cunts!

- Good. Take a picture.
- Yeah!

Er, smile.

Bollocks.

Great.

- You all right?
- Hey. Is it all right if I...?

Just a mad rush getting out
of the house this morning, you know.

I know you've been sleeping here.

Right.

Look, I'm shacked up with June now,

so my flat is just sitting there empty.

And it's council,
so I don't want to give that up.

Well, you're welcome to stay there
as long as you need.

That means a lot. Thanks, Lenny.

What happened, anyway?

I don't think anything happened,
like, specific.

I think she just needed a moment
to take a deep breath and...

figure it all out, and, uh, yeah...

I'm giving her that moment.

- A favor for a favor?
- Mm-hmm.

Getting a bit of pressure from June
to get her kid some work experience.

Uh... um, we can't afford it.

- I'm sorry.
- No, just work experience, no money.

She just wants him out of the house,
I think.

Right.

Uh...

Yes, of course.

- Great.
- Yeah.

I'll tell June. Thanks, Matt.

Thank you, Lenny, yeah.

Hiya.

- Hi.
- You busy?

No, come in.

Sorry to hear about your marriage ending
and all that.

Thanks, yeah.

You're a very lovely man, though.

- Sorry, what...?
- Kind. Intelligent.

Smart.

'Andsome.

Perfect.

Thanks.

We've kept this relationship
completely professional until now,

and I appreciate that,

but I just want you to know
that if you ever did make a move, I...

A move?

Yeah, you know.

I've always liked you.

So, you know, if ever you wanted to, um...

meet up...

outside of work...

you know, for some fun?

Then... I'm up for it.

Are you?

See you later.

Don't sit in my chair.

You all right?

Kath just said she likes me.

Good.

No, like, she fancies me.

What, are you 13?

It's awkward.

Don't worry about it.

All right.

What about you, you OK?

Yeah, I'm just trying to be more zen.

Wow... OK.

Um... Well, I tell you what,

you should come to the meditation class
I go to after work.

Every Tuesday.

It's a bit of yoga,

a bit of... Don't shake your head,
you haven't heard what it is yet.

- Yoga, a bit of philosophy...
- Mm.

- ...which you like, don't you?
- Yeah.

Right. So, what do you think?

- Don't just...
- No.

Come on, please?

I'm having a shit time as well, OK?

I'm alone. I'm sleeping on a floor.

That's zen.

- Uh...
- Like Mr. Miyagi. They love a floor.

"They"? You...

Right.

- Please?
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

All right.

- Thank you.
- Is that it?

Yeah. Yes, that's...

- fine.
- Good.

Don't tell anyone about... Kath.

I'd already forgotten that.

- Perfect.
- All right?

- Yeah, good. I'm... Yeah.
- Good.

Don't tell anyone?

See, all respectable again.

- Had a bit of bed head in the back there.
- Hiya.

- Hi.
- Hi, Dad.

I, uh... just interviewed
a hundred-year-old woman.

- Oh, yeah?
- Funny.

And, uh...

Lenny asked me
how it was going with the nurse.

I said, uh... we're just friends 'cause...

you'd said I wasn't over... Lisa.

And did you say you agreed?

Yeah, course. Yeah.

What did he say?

He said I shouldn't wait around forever
or I'll miss the boat.

Mm...

So...

Have you not told him my name?

What do you mean?

He said, "How's it going with the nurse?"

Uh...

Yeah, I'm sure I have.
That wasn't really the point of the story.

Joe?

What?

You're Joe.

Joe, your brother?

Hello, mate.

I do look a bit like him. I mean,
he's been dead ten years, but still...

What, Joe's dead?

Oh, that's right, yeah. Joe's dead.
Yeah. Lovely fella.

So, you're Joe's boy?

I'm your boy, Dad.

Am I Joe?

Fuck me.

And just for the record, I didn't declare
that we would just be friends.

When I said
I didn't think you were over your wife,

I just thought it might, I don't know,
gee you up a bit to be ready.

Not just say, "Do you know what?

That's all right.
Let's just be friends, eh?"

Well, all I was doing was
agreeing with your observation

that I wasn't over Lisa...

Do you know what? It's fine.
Just don't worry about it.

- Right.
- You know.

- All right, gorgeous?
- Oh!

Hiya.

- Where is she?
- She's in her room.

All right. See you later, babe.

Who's that?

Simon. He's the son
of one of the new residents.

Right.

He's nice.

He winked.

He said, "See you later, babe,"
and winked.

So?

So...

Right. Anyway...

I'd better get on.

See you later, babe.

I feel... panicked

all the time.

Like... I'm going to do the wrong thing.

So... I don't do anything.

And that's why I think I'm going to
blow it with the nurse, but...

Concentrate on getting better.
She'll wait.

If you want her to.

I'm not sure I'm worth...

waiting for. I'm embarrassed...

that I ever acted the way I did.

Whatever gets you better.

Yeah. I'm not better, but...

I'm not gonna stick my head
in the oven.

I doubt you know where the oven is.

Good one!

You were in pain.

Yeah, that's what
I'm embarrassed about, really.

Dying of cancer,

that's being in pain.

Actual pain.

I felt a bit sorry for myself.

I still do.

But, uh...

I realized that...

death will come soon enough, so...

And there's nothing to fear about it
because...

you know, no feelings to worry about.

Not mine, anyway. Just...

you know, peace and quiet.

I am trying to work out if there's a way
I can still carry on annoying people,

after I die, but I haven't...

I haven't cracked it yet.

So, I'm just gonna have to make the most
of that when I'm alive.

- It's a hobby.
- Yeah.

Exactly.

Just to arseholes, though. That's...

you know, I'm trying to be nice
to the people...

who are nice to me, at least.

I realized that everyone's struggling,

and, um, I feel
that I should help the people...

who helped me.

I'm actually going to a meditation...
yoga... thing tonight.

It's a favor...

for my brother-in-law, who...

is separated from his wife, and...

he could do with the company, so...

you know.

Lovely.

Mm.

Oh...

Coffee. I am gasping.

- Come in.
- What?

Nothing.

- What, me just letting myself in?
- Well,

some would've knocked.
I could've been naked.

Uh... I could see through the door
you weren't naked.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

If I had have been naked, you'd look
through the door and see me naked.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have come in.

But you'd have seen me naked.

Wouldn't have bothered me.

That's all right, then.
What would you have done?

- What do you mean?
- You come to the door,

you see me naked, you don't come in,

what then?

I'd have knocked.

So, now, I'm here naked,

I hear a knock, I look up,
I see you looking through at me,

what do you do, fucking wave?

I don't know!

Maybe I wouldn't knock,
maybe I'd just sneak off.

Anyway...

why are you sat at a table naked
like some weird Monty Python sketch?

That's my business.

My house, my rules.

- Do you sit at the table naked, then?
- No.

- I've got a dog.
- I don't want her seeing that.

What do you miss about her, though?

Everything. You know, I...

I miss her liking me.

Um...

I hate to think
I've upset her in some way.

Or that she just doesn't love me anymore.

Um...

Don't worry about it.

What do you mean?

Is that advice?

Yeah.

Just don't worry about it, mate.

Yeah... Just not that easy, though, is it?

You know, it's like saying,
"Don't worry that you're bleeding."

You know, just by saying that,
it doesn't go away.

I was bleeding from the anus
for a month last year

and I never went to the doctor.

Right.

It just went away.

But, I mean,
you're the doctor in this, aren't you?

So are you saying
I shouldn't go to you?

No, of course not.
What I'm saying is you've got to ignore

worrying about her and start doing stuff.

Yeah.

You should come out with me,
Ratty, and the Nonce.

- The Nonce?
- Real name Ian Trouton,

but we call him "the Nonce"
or "Pedo Ian."

I mean, he's not a real kiddy fiddler.
It's a... it's an in-joke.

Oh.

He fucked a dwarf once
when he was off his head.

He said it was like fucking a child.

But legal. Although, should it be? Urgh.

Um... I would go to the doctor
about your anus, by the way.

Hiya. Could I just use your bathroom?

- All right. Upstairs.
- Ta.

All right. Come here,
I want to show you something.

Tony, do you want to explain
what this is, please?

Oh, um...

I'm holding a sweepstake
on how long the marriage will last,

so you can bet on what you think.

Choices are: "under a month,"
"one to six months,"

"six months to a year,"

"one to two years," "two to four years,"
or "four to ten years."

- I put "four to ten years."
- Oh, thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah.

I'll go "two to four" myself.

- Fivers. Give us your fiver.
- "Under a month," that's mine.

Right...

What's he doing?

Good girl.

Mate, I've got to go out.

All right, see you later.
I'll lock up.

No, you won't. Get out.

What the fuck?

Fuck me!
I thought you were having a piss.

No, I've got to go out after,
so I thought I'd have a wash.

Unbelievable!

Get out.

Out!

Well, turn round, then!

Fucking hell!

All clean!

Do you know how fucking mental it is,
a postman having a bath on his round?

- Why?
- It just is.

There's nothing weird
about helping out a mate.

I need to see a potential flat share
later, don't I? I've been homeless.

Been sleeping in the depot.

I didn't want to turn up all scruffy,
did I, stinking of BO?

Oh, this is typical.
I try and be more chilled.

The reason I'm in a hurry is
that I've got a meditation class tonight

to try and be more zen,

and then shit like this happens
to wind me the fuck up again.

Don't think the Dalai Lama'd be like that,
would he?

Let's see, shall we?
Go to his house tomorrow

and start washing your fucking arse
in his sink, see what he does.

- Is that my aftershave?
- Yeah. Nice, innit?

- Fuckin' hell.
- Expensive.

Out.

See ya, mate.

Prat.

Just wiggle it.

And if you want
to get into your positions, please.

Hey.

Hi, Matt. Hi.

- Simon, this is Tony. He's...
- Welcome.

He's not done this before,
so go easy on him.

Nothing to be scared of.
We're a very friendly tribe.

- OK.
- All right.

Where's your mind?

- Where's my...?
- Where's your mind?

Don't think about it too much,
just answer.

Uh... in my brain.

- No.
- No?

In my gut.

- No.
- I don't know. Where's my mind?

It's in...

every cell of your body.

OK.

I want you to really think about that.

On all fours.

- Please.
- OK.

- Shoes off, Tony.
- No.

- No?
- No.

So, let's start with a deep breath.

Inhale.

Lift your tailbone.

Heart out, push away the floor.

And exhale, sigh out the pain.

And shine your heart forward.

And gaze into your pelvis.

And look out of your third eye.

- You hear that?
- Yeah, just...

Let's do that ten times.

Ah!

Are you joking?

Mm.

Green tea. Delicious.

- Sounds it!
- Shh! Tony...

Fucking hell.

You OK, Tony?

- Yep.
- Yeah?

OK, good.

Oh, fuck!

- Just don't listen to it.
- And keep going, guys.

Got a little cold?

Never. No.

- Oh!
- Illness is a state of mind.

I don't want to feel ill,
I don't want to feel pain.

You're going about it the wrong way.

- Please don't.
- Any bad things that have happened to you,

you must've welcomed them in.

No. No way.

We have a choice.

Fuck that!

- Please.
- That's ridiculous.

Wind chimes? Slurping? Sniffing?
How is that relaxing?

It's disgusting.

I'm off to get pissed out of my mind
in every cell of my body.

See you next Tuesday.

You're not wrong there,
you fucking snot-curdling cunt!

OK. Um...

- Everyone into plank, please.
- Great.

Thank you.
What was that, about two minutes?

I don't know, I couldn't.

I thought you were feeling better.

I am now.

♪ Well, I've been out walkin' ♪

♪ I don't do that much talkin'
These days ♪

♪ These days ♪

♪ These days, I seem to think a lot ♪

♪ About the things that I forgot to do ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ And all the times
I had the chance to... ♪

Fucking hell, look at that!
Pissed again!

Pfft!

- Oh, like you're sober? Don't.
- Yeah, but I can hold my drink.

Yeah, but you're a man,
you've got a bigger liver!

"Lidver..."

When we get through two bottles
of wine a night,

it's killing me quicker
than it's killing you!

Well, one of us
has got to die first.

- What, so it might as well be me?
- I'll drink to that!

Oh, right. OK. Cheers.
This is to me dying first.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.