After Life (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

All right?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

Do you want some toa... Oh.

- So?
- What?

Ask me about the date!

Oh, right. Good?

- Yeah. He's, uh... He's funny, isn't he?
- Definitely.

Sort of... rough and...

rugged?

Like he lives under a bridge.



- All right?
- Yeah.

Is Roxy in there?

- Yeah, why?
- Well, I've just popped round to see her.

Surely you've popped round
to deliver my mail?

You haven't got any mail.
Can I come in, then?

It's like a zombie movie.

You're always just outside the house
trying to get in.

Don't be antisocial.

- Can I have that last bit of toast?
- Yeah.

Ah. Cheers, babe.

- Do you want something on it?
- No, you're all right.

- Got any peanut butter?
- No.

- Don't worry about it, honestly.
- Sure? I'll pop out and...

- Honestly, don't worry.
- All right, good.



Oh! I didn't tell you, did I?
Sue Fyers at work got fired.

What for?

Flashing.

Front or back?

Dunno, but the union's involved.
I'm staying out of it.

- Right, I've got to go.
- All right. See you later, mate.

Get out!

- Eh?
- What is it?

A woman suing a doctor
for a botched surgery.

- Right.
- Someone blows hot and cold, don't they?

Could've done with an egg,
but forget about it.

What happened to you last night?
You bailed early.

Yeah, sorry. Um...

What time did you get home?

Uh... About ten.

I got in at four.

Completely smashed.

Covered in kebab and fanny juice.

Don't ask me how.

I wasn't gonna.

Did too much chang,
so I was lying in bed doing the luge...

till the alarm went off,
then, boom, shower! Coffee.

Suit straight down the dry cleaners. Work.

I got home and I cried a little bit.

Dry cleaners are used to it.
I've shat myself twice.

Right. Um...

Just, sorry, to go back to... me.

I, um...

I think that I was crying
because I don't want to give up on her,

you know, I don't want to give up on us.
And... all I want to do is

just... talk to her and beg her

to let us go back to how it was.

- Matt...
- But I don't want to stifle her. I don't...

- Women don't want this.
- Yeah.

OK? It's pathetic.

Begging.

How is that good for a family?

Females choose mates
based on their strength.

OK? On their power.

Their capabilities to provide...

and keep them safe.

We're descended
from fucking cavemen, Matt.

We go out,
we kill a saber-toothed tiger,

we bring it back, we share it out,

and then we give the fittest bird
a good fucking seeing to.

That's where we're from.

Yeah, I just don't think
that's really... me.

No, it's not.

Being you

will not win her back.
It's as simple as that.

- You've tried that, didn't work.
- Yeah. No.

She thinks you're a loser.

Solution?

Be something fucking better!

Be something fucking stronger.

- Yeah?
- Mm.

Lie.

Cheat.

Just be a man.

But not you.

When did you start...
having all this done?

'Bout five years ago.

Started on, like, botox...

and, like, filler for wrinkles an' that.

How old were you?

Early 20s.

What wrinkles did you have?

Dunno, like, frown lines an' that.

- Right.
- Yeah, then I proper got into it.

I just couldn't get enough.

And then I got my lips done,

and I had a bit of a reaction.

But that settled down in the end.

And then I wanted to go bigger,
then this happened.

My whole face was paralyzed.
It's only just gone back to normal.

- Has it?
- Yeah.

My boobs leak.

They're fake an' all.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

I mean, rock hard.

Right.

Yeah.

Sorry, and that was the same guy...
that did your face?

Yeah. I was furious.

- Still am.
- Are you?

It's hard to tell.

If you think
he botched my face and chest,

you should see my minge.

It's like a butcher's bin.

Sorry,

you went back to him to have your...

- Minge.
- Yeah, I know. I didn't want to say the...

Yeah, he did it for half price, though.
'Cause of how he'd ruined my face.

Right.

Why would you want to have that done?

I think I've got a problem.

Yeah.

I mean, it might be...

like an addiction.

- What, do you mean, like, I can't help it?
- Well, I guess so,

but... I mean, if you acknowledge it,
there's a chance you can...

get... you know, get help.

- Do you think I'm mental?
- Well...

No more than the rest of us.

As I say, we're all screwed up
in one way or another.

It sort of makes you normal.

- Are you laughing?
- No.

Crying?

- Oh.
- Oh...

Um...

No, they've fucked my tear ducts.

- Take a picture.
- Yeah.

- Got it?
- Yeah. Great.

- Hiya.
- Hey.

Are you going
to that am-dram cabaret thing?

I dunno. Why?

Well... wondered if you'd like
to come with me?

- What do you mean? You mean you're going?
- Yeah.

Thought we could have a drink before
and sit together.

Right. I'm not sure if I'm going.

Right. Well, would you like to go...

with me?

Well, with everyone, really.
Everyone's going. We'd all be there.

Yeah, but I'm saying
would you like to sit with me?

But I don't know if I'm going.
And we don't know

- what seats will be free.
- If you don't want

- to go with me, just say.
- No, it's not that.

- I haven't even checked my diary.
- Well, go on, then.

- What?
- Well, check it. It's right there.

Oh, no.
It's hardly on the right page, is it?

- There's nothing in there at the moment.
- Yeah. Right. Well, I'll, uh...

pencil that in, then.

Um, I will have to check my master diary
as well.

- You've got a master diary?
- Yeah.

I've got work here,
and then personal at home,

so I tend to mix and match,
actually, so... Tony?

Can I just... Sorry, Kath, I've got...

Tony, we've got our, um...

meeting.

Um... Shut the door.

Kath just asked me to sit next to her
at the cabaret thing.

Great.

- I need to get out of it.
- Why?

- Please help me get out of it. Please.
- How?

Say you're thinking
of killing yourself again.

Say I'm thinking
of killing myself next Thursday?

Well, I'll tell her, then.

You'll tell her you can't go with her
'cause I'm thinking of killing myself?

I'm not saying
I'm thinking of killing myself

'cause you're too chicken to say
you don't want to go on a date.

For fuck's sake,
it's just a favor.

And do you know the fable,
The Boy Who Cried Wolf?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Right.

So, what happens when
I really am thinking of killing myself,

and everyone goes, "Nah, he's just trying
to get his cowardly brother-in-law

out of a date"?

Well, no, that's different in that case,
isn't it?

'Cause he admitted it.
He was like, "Nah, only joking."

So they all knew he was lying.

And he kept doing it, so it was obvious.

We'll only use this lie once,
and we'll never admit to it.

So, the moral of that fable is:
"Never admit you were lying,

- ever..."
- Yeah.

"...and always use different lies
each time"?

Yeah.

Nice message.

- No.
- Come on.

No.

- Fuck's sake.
- You're on your own.

There we go, Dad.

Good.

There. You're all right.

- Hi.
- Hiya.

Tony, I'm not going to sit around
and wait for you to make a move,

I have to get on with my life.

- Why are you acting weird?
- I'm acting weird?

For fuck's sake, Tony!

I'm just a bit fed up, all right?

- My wife died. My dad...
- Yes, I know.

Oh, sorry if that bores you.

Seriously? Fucking hell.

Was it just a drink?

Fuck's sake.

It's just a question. Was it just a drink?

Yes, it was just a drink!

OK. Good.

But it might not always be
just a drink, though.

Dad, say, "Simon is a cunt."

What?

"Simon is a cunt."

Say it.

- Yeah.
- "Simon is a cunt."

Remember that.

Right.

All right?

- Is it OK? Not too hot?
- No, it's good.

Yeah. Manage another one?

You'll feel so much better
if you eat this. That's it.

That's better, eh? OK?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Hi.

- Hi.
- I've brought you a few jumpers.

- It's getting a bit chillier outside.
- Great. Thanks.

I mean, yeah,
can never have too many jumpers.

Um... I was gonna call you, actually.

Um, you know the cabaret thing

- that they're doing?
- Yeah.

I wondered if you wanted to come.

I'd have to sort a babysitter.

No, you can bring George.
It's for everyone.

Oh... I'm not sure.

Yeah. Um...
You'd be doing me a favor, actually.

- Kath's asked me to go with her.
- Why?

I think she's got a thing for me.

Well, tell her you can't

'cause you're going
with your wife and child.

Right. Yeah.

- Uh...
- I mean, it's nice of her, though, really,

'cause she probably thought
you were lonely.

- Probably.
- Yeah.

I was thinking of coming,

I just didn't know
whether George would be allowed.

- He is, yeah.
- That's good, yeah.

- OK, well... I'd better go.
- Yeah.

- Thanks for the...
- Um, but I'll see you later.

- Hi. You all right? Yeah, good.
- You all right?

All right?

- Um... Kath, about the, um, cabaret thing.
- Yeah?

I'm gonna go with Jill and George.

Yeah, fine. Brilliant.

Great.

- I'm killing myself that night!
- Don't...

What?

Oh. Nothing, it was a...

Weird!

Do you want a coffee?

Why?

Why?

Dunno, 'cause it tastes nice?

Come on,
let's go for a nice coffee, and...

talk about really interesting things
like... advertising.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, all right.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Did I embarrass myself with Matt, then?

Definitely not.

Why would you be embarrassed
about being honest

and saying something nice?
He should be flattered.

I think he was scared!

I'm obviously not his type.

Someone just got there first.

But, um... you didn't do anything wrong.

You showed your feelings.

That's good.

I wish I'd shown my feelings more.

With Lisa. Um...

I...

Sometimes, I'd be embarrassed
to hold hands in public.

Or if we were on the phone
and there was people around,

she'd always say, "Bye. Love you."

And I would go, "Me too."

And she'd laugh, 'cause she'd know.

Yeah.

Sometimes, I was out, working late.

The phone would go, and I'd think,
"Oh, God, what's happened?"

And I'd go, "Hello?"
I'd go, "What's wrong?" And, um...

she'd say,
"Nothing's wrong, I just love you."

So... And one day,
you'll meet someone, and it'll be...

Life will be brilliant.

So, uh...

Nothing to feel sad about. Not yet.

I'm going to... walk for...

OK.

- Thanks for the coffee.
- Sure.

Oh, and thanks for telling me that thing
about your wife calling you.

It was lovely.

- See you later.
- See you later.

Bad day, I'm afraid.

The last thing you should do
is drink alone.

Mm...

Nice.

Lisa was my greatest achievement.

I've never done anything else, really.
Not of worth.

Nothing else to be proud of.

Just that.

I won at life.

You did.

I'm not as good as her,
and I'm proud of that.

You're just different.

I'm angry. I'm petty. I'm sad.

I'm jealous of anyone
who's still got someone.

How did you get Lisa if you were so bad?

I'm not sure.

I was just nice to her, I think.

You should try that again.

I miss her so much.

I feel sad all the time.

I'm not the person I was.

Lisa dying, I just... It's like...

I lost most of me, and all the good stuff,
all the happiness...

any joy in anything...

I feel like I'm nothing, you know?

That's not true.

People think that I'm sort of OK,
you know,

like I'm getting on with it,
I'm snarky now and again,

and that this is a lapse,
but it's not.

This is me all the time now.

Everything else is the front, you know?

I'm not well, but I remember

what it was like to be normal,
so I do an impression of that.

But this is what I really am.

And I want to be normal again...

...but I'm weak, you know?

When Lisa was dying,
I tried to be brave and put a...

you know, a face on, to be positive,

and even then, I'd break down sometimes,
and she'd...

...have to comfort me.

I couldn't even give her that.
When she was dying, she was still on duty.

Looking after me.

She'd have loved that.

I don't know.

I do.

'Cause I'm a woman too.

And it's better to be needed.

Be strong.

Everybody's struggling.
It's not always their fault.

There's a porter here
with a bit of a BO problem.

I'm quite glad you haven't bumped
into him, to be honest. He stinks.

And do you know why?

'Cause he's working twice as hard
as everyone else.

He's always running around doing stuff
for other people.

He's got no idea.

And I was going to say something,
but do you know what came out?

"Thank you for working so hard."

And he nearly cried.

Just tell people
you appreciate 'em now and then, yeah?

- Hi, sorry. Um...
- Oh, hello.

- Can I...? Um...
- Yeah.

- Is it Tony?
- Yeah. Hi. Um...

Has anyone asked you...

not to close the paper
and sell the building?

No.

Right. Um...

Please don't.

A lot of people rely on it. And, um...

I mean, how much will you make
from selling it?

Half a million.

Right... Yeah.

That's a lot.

Mm.

What will you do with that?

New car, maybe.

Ah... I dunno, um...

Potter around a bit.

No, it's just that, you know, if, um...

if I don't cash in my chips soon,
you know, none of my...

I might kick the bucket,
then it'd be too late.

I mean, it's not as if I need anything
as such, it's, uh...

Although...

...I wouldn't say no
to the company of a nice lady.

That's all that matters.

I had the best marriage imaginable.

Magical.

Uh...

So, when, um, Lisa, my wife,

when she died,

I was suicidal, and depressed.

And everyone was so nice,
everyone tried to help me and...

they sort of saved me, so...
I wanted to do something nice back.

But, um, anyway, you're a nice guy,
and I just want you to know,

you know, the whole story, and, uh...

I mean, if you weren't to sell it, um,

we could... you know, give it another go.

If it didn't work out,
you could sell it next year.

It might work, and...

we could do with someone...
who cared about... success,

'cause we are the biggest bunch
of losers you will ever meet.

But...

it's a... it's a good bunch.

It might be nice
to have a challenge again.

Cheers.

OK.

♪ Isn't it rich? ♪

♪ Aren't we a pair? ♪

You're not doing the lyrics right.
Start it again.

- Come on.
- OK. All right.

Don't think about it, do it.
Sing it like it means something.

♪ Isn't it rich? ♪

Start again so I can hear it!

- ♪ Isn't it rich? ♪
- ♪ Isn't it... rich! ♪

- ♪ Are... ♪
- ♪ Aren't we a pair? ♪

- No, again. "Isn't it rich?"
- Ken, I can't do it, all right?

Who's gonna be a superstar in a year
if he listens to his director?

- But I can't breathe, Ken.
- You. Do it again.

- I could just dance.
- Sing and dance.

- What are you trying to say?
- Can I do the dance on its own?

- If I did it with just the dance.
- He doesn't work well under pressure.

Ken, stop shouting at him!

- I'm so sorry you had to see that.
- It's OK.

I don't normally lose it like that.
I just...

I'm trying to create the best scenario.

You can do it without the words.

- Thanks, Ken.
- Just the dance.

- Is that what you want to do?
- Yeah.

If that makes you happy,
even if it's shit, and it will be,

I want you to be happy, all right?

- Thanks, Ken.
- This is why we do it. It's all right.

Hey, have I told you
about my sister's anus yet?

- Uh... I don't think so.
- Right, listen up.

Silly cow is only having it bleached.

Bleached! That's a thing now,
bleaching your anus.

- Right.
- I said, "For the love of God,

why are you doing that?"
She said, "So it looks nice."

I said, "Fuck me, who's gonna see that?"

More people are going to see mine,
and mine's like a fucking compost heap.

I think we should probably just watch.

- What were you talking about?
- I was telling her about my sister's anus.

I'm fascinated with the anus.
Always have been, always will be.

The man who is tired of the anus
is tired of life.

- You can quote me on that.
- OK, thanks.

How's your material going?

Gonna keep it loose.

I'm sort of
like a performance artist, so...

I can't be constrained in the normal way.

Well, you've got ten minutes,
so you better keep it that tight.

Ten minutes?
I can't do everything in ten minutes.

Oh, fuck this! Sort it out between you.
I'm off for a vape.

If you want me, I'll be in the disableds.

You all right?

- Yeah.
- How's it going?

Just got a great scoop
on Ken Otley's sister's anus.

It's bleached.

Good. Well...

you might have to cover these sort
of stories for a little while longer,

'cause Paul's agreed
not to close the paper.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, thank you!

Don't cry.

You work so hard.

You're great.

- Thanks.
- All right.

Aww! Look at her!
Brandy! What's this?

- She looks like a... cartoon mouse.
- What is this?

I don't...

Get your dildo, Brand.
Get your dildo!

Good girl!

Brandy, say, "Sausages!"

♪ Once we were lovers ♪

♪ Can they understand? ♪

♪ Closer than others, I was your ♪

♪ I was your man ♪

♪ Don't talk of heartaches ♪

♪ Oh, I remember them all ♪

♪ When I'm checking you out
One day... ♪