According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 1 - Jim Almighty - full transcript

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OH, HO-HO-HO!
THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, JIM.

RIGHT? IF YOU WATCH A VIDEO

OF THE FIRST HALF
OF THE SUPER BOWL TWICE,

IT'S LIKE THE BEARS WIN.

HEY, GIVE ME
ONE OF THOSE CHIPS.

OH, SORRY,
I JUST FINISHED 'EM.

THAT WAS THE LAST BAG
IN THE HOUSE.

SORRY. I'LL GO GET
SOME MORE. GET 'EM.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS, BUDDY.

GOT ANY PRETZELS
IN THERE?



I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME CHECK.

♪♪♪

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

MOM SAID TO SET THE TABLE.

WITH THE GOOD PLATES?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
DID I FORGET SOMETHING?

MOM'S MAKING
A FEAST FOR A KING,

'CAUSE SHE SAYS
YOU'RE OUR KING.

REALLY?

NO, JUST KIDDING.
WHAT?

IT'S YOUR ANNIVERSARY.
YOU FORGOT.

OH, CRAP.

(laughs) JUST KIDDING.

WHAT?!



I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ALL THIS IS FOR.

WE'RE GOING
ON A SLEEPOVER.

THESE PLATES
ARE FOR STRANGERS?

OKAY, YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
I'M NOT HERE.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

(Cheryl)
JIM, IS THAT YOU?

(high-pitched voice)
NO, IT'S DANA.

I-I LOST MY BABY...

'CAUSE I'M SO STUPID...

AND I'M SO DRUNK
RIGHT NOW...

OH, HERE'S THE BABY.

I'M GONNA MAKE A CAR ORNAMENT
OUT OF HER.

(Cheryl) GET IN HERE.

(normal voice) CRAP, CRAP,
CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP.

HEY.
HEY.

WOULD YOU GRAB THE CANDLESTICKS
OUT OF THE PANTRY?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, HONEY?

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

IT'S OUR DINNER PARTY CLUB.

DINNER... PARTY... CLUB?

UH-HUH.

WHAT THE HELL
IS A DINNER PARTY CLUB?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS.

NOW COULD YOU PLEASE
JUST DECANT THE WINE?

EVEN IF I KNEW WHAT THAT WORD
MEANT, I WOULDN'T DO IT.

NOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
OKAY.

IT'S TEN PEOPLE
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

ONCE A MONTH
WE'RE GONNA GET TOGETHER

AND HAVE DINNER
AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE.

CHERYL, I DO NOT REMEMBER
HEARING ABOUT THIS.

WELL, WE TALKED ABOUT IT

WHEN WE WERE WATCHING
THE FOOTBALL GAME.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WHAT FOOTBALL GAME
WAS THAT AGAIN? YEAH.

BEARS AND LIONS.

(laughs) OH, RIGHT.
GREAT GAME. UH-HUH.

WHAT WAS THE SCORE?

5 TO 4.

AHA!

YOU NEVER TOLD ME!
YOU LIED!

THAT IS CRAZY.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW IF YOU HAD
TOLD ME, I WOULD HAVE SAID NO,

WHICH I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW.
NO!

IT'S TOO LATE.
THIS IS HAPPENING. GO UPSTAIRS.

YOUR SUIT AND TIE ARE ON THE
BED. FINE, I'LL PUT MY SUIT ON

AND THEN I'M GONNA HANG MYSELF
WITH THE TIE.

COME ON. I JUST WANT TO BE
A PART OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHY?
SO WE CAN HAVE FRIENDS.

WHY?

THIS IS CRAZY.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST APPRECIATE
WHAT I DO FOR US?

BECAUSE YOU'RE TAKING SOMETHING
THAT I LOVE... DINNER...

AND RUINING IT
WITH SOMETHING I HATE... PEOPLE!

OH.

THERE ISN'T A MAN
IN THIS WORLD

THAT WOULD APPRECIATE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

ONLY TWO HOURS
TILL DINNER PARTY CLUB!

(laughs)

I HATE
THAT YOU GET TO LEAVE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
LISTEN.

WHAT IF I SLIP YOU
20 BUCKS AND YOU GOT SICK?

THAT WAY, MOM WOULD CANCEL
THIS SHINDIG.

NO WAY.

WE'RE EATING NUGGETS

AND WATCHING
"PLANET OF THE APES."

DINNER PARTY CLUB.
THIS SUCKS.

I'D LIKE TO MEET THE MORON
WHO INVENTED WOMEN.

HELLO, JIM.

HEY, BUDDY,

THE PARTY DOESN'T START
FOR A COUPLE HOURS, OKAY?

AND NO ONE
SITS IN MY CHAIR.

I'M GOD.

(angelic music plays)

YOU'RE STILL IN MY CHAIR.

YEAH, REAL COMFY, TOO.

SO YOU WANTED
TO MEET ME?

YES. I ALWAYS HAVE
WANTED TO MEET YOU.

I GOT A COUPLE
OF QUESTIONS FOR YOU,

AND ONE IS THE CUBS.
A HUNDRED YEARS? COME ON, MAN.

ARE THE CUBS EVER GONNA WIN THE
WORLD SERIES? SURE, THEY'LL WIN...

YES!
JUST NOT IN MY LIFETIME.

COME ON.
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

WELL, FOR ONE THING,
YOU CALLED ME A MORON.

(laughs) COME ON.
WHEN DID I DO THAT?

(door shuts)

SURE WOULD LIKE TO MEET
THE MORON WHO INVENTED WOMEN.

I'M
A HANDSOME, HANDSOME MAN.

YOU DID
A GOOD JOB THERE, GOD.

I GOTTA TELL YOU, THOUGH, JIM,
I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU

COMPLAIN ABOUT WOMEN FOR YEARS,
AND I'M SICK OF IT.

OH, COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO... SMITE ME?

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT "SMITE" MEANS?

YEAH. LIKE... PINCH?

NO, I'M NOT HERE
TO SMITE YOU.

I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU
A CHANCE.

YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER
JOB WITH WOMEN? UH, YEAH.

OKAY, THEY'RE ALL YOURS.

I HEREBY GRANT YOU MY POWERS
TO CHANGE ALL OF WOMANKIND,

BEGINNING NOW.

(scoffs) THAT'S IT?

THAT'S YOUR THING?
YOU JUST SNAP?

YOU JUST REMEMBER...

YOU CHANGE ONE WOMAN,
YOU CHANGE 'EM ALL... FOREVER.

(laughs) GIANT BOOBS
ON ALL OF 'EM.

BYE, DADDY.

(door shuts)

DO-OVER.
I GET A DO-OVER.

I GET ONE DO-OVER.
DON'T I GET A DO-OVER?

HEY, JIM, WHAT'S UP?

OH, I AM GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

GOD GAVE ME
A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT

TO REDESIGN WOMEN
ANY WAY I WANT.

BIG BOOBS ON ALL OF 'EM.

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT ALL WOMEN.

OH, GOD. MOM.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK,
LET ME THINK.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU JUST BELIEVE WHAT I HAD
TO SAY HERE ABOUT GOD?

I MEAN, NO QUESTIONS ASKED?

JIM, I WENT WITH YOU
TO MINNESOTA

TO CATCH
A MAGICAL GIANT FISH.

WHERE YOU GO,
I WILL FOLLOW.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?

WELL, I GOT, UH...

ALL THE BAD STUFF I'M CUTTING,
LIKE EMOTIONS.

GET RID OF ALL THOSE.

UH, GET RID
OF ALL THE CRAZY IDEAS.

OOH, THEIR PICKINESS
ABOUT WHO THEY'LL SLEEP WITH.

YES. AND THE TALKING.
OH...

THE TALKING... (babbles)

YEAH, WE'LL GET RID
OF ALL THE TALKING.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK IT'S BETTER
IF WOMEN WERE MORE LIKE MEN.

BUT STILL
WITH THE BOOBS, RIGHT?

NO, I'M GONNA GET RID
OF THE ONE THING THAT DOES WORK.

SO HOW DO YOU MAKE
YOUR WILL BE KNOWN?

EASY, JUST LIKE THIS...

LET WOMEN BE LIKE MEN.

WHAT'S UP, LOSERS?

YOU'RE NOT WATCHING
THE GAME?

OH, WE FORGOT IT WAS ON.

LOSERS.

MOVE OVER, BUTT-WIPE.

YEAH, LET'S WATCH THE GAME.

HEY, 40 BUCKS SAYS
HE HITS THIS FREE THROW.

(whispers)
JIM, IT'S LIKE SHE'S A MAN.

(whispers) JIM,
IT'S LIKE HE'S AN IDIOT.

(laughs)

(normal voice) WHO WANTS A BEER?
WHAT, IS THAT LIKE A COOLER?

COOLER THAN YOU,
BUTT-WIPE.

(laughs)

WHOO!
DO NOT GO INTO THAT BATHROOM.

I JUST MADE ROOM FOR DINNER
AND MAYBE BREAKFAST TOMORROW.

WHAT'S UP, BUTT-WIPE?

HEY, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S UP...

THIS STUPID
DINNER PARTY CLUB THING

YOU GOT PLANNED FOR TONIGHT.
I KNOW, RIGHT?

GUESS WHEN
I AGREED TO THAT?

I AM SUCH A HORSE'S ASS
THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.

UGH, SERIOUSLY. WISH WE
COULD DO AWAY WITH THAT.

WHEW.

DONE. NOW THERE WILL
ONLY BE THREE PERIODS...

ALL OF 'EM IN HOCKEY.

HEY, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT WE'LL DO.

WHEN THE GUESTS SHOW UP,

WE GIVE 'EM A TURKEY LEG,
A BEER AND A MAP HOME.

OH, CHERYL...

I JUST LOVE YOU.

YEAH? IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME,
YOU'D TAKE ME UPSTAIRS

AND KNOCK ONE OUT
BEFORE "SPORTSCENTER" STARTS.

YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES.

KNOCK ONE OUT
AND TAKE A 3-MINUTE NAP.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

GET A MOVE ON.

YES!

MAKE HER SAY MY NAME,
BUDDY.

WHOO!

(groans)

I'M DONE.

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T HAVE A WATCH,

BUT I THINK
I JUST SET A NEW RECORD.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I...

I DIDN'T FINISH.

AW.

I'LL OWE YOU ONE.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

PLEASE ACCEPT
THIS LOVELY PARTING GIFT.

(muffled) AAH!
(passes gas)

DUTCH OVEN!

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

WHOO!

OKAY, IN A FAIR FIGHT...

YOU VERSUS SUPERMAN.

ME.

HUH, TOTALLY, TOTALLY.

A LITTLE TOUGHER...
YOU VERSUS CHUCK NORRIS.

STILL ME.

YOU VERSUS OPRAH.

I KNEW IT!

HEY.

JIM, GUESS WHAT?

GOD'S SCARED OF OPRAH.

NOT SCARED,
JUST RESPECTFUL.

HEY, YOU KNEW
THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU KNEW
I WAS GONNA MESS UP.

HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT, JIM?
I'M A MORON.

LOOK, I DON'T
WANNA FIGHT YOU, OKAY?

SMART MOVE. IF HE CAN
TAKE NORRIS, HE CAN TAKE YOU.

LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU

TO CHANGE WOMEN
BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE.

SO WE ALL AGREE THAT I GOT
WOMEN RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

I'M OUTTA HERE.
JIM, YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I WON'T SEE YOU
FOR A LONG WHILE.

ANDY, SMOKE 'EM
IF YOU GOT 'EM.

WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU... YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
ONE MORE CHANCE HERE.

YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M A SHORT-TIMER.

HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?
AM I IN THE THROES OF PASSION?

THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH
YOU LIKE CHEESECAKE.

I DO LOVE IT SO.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT...

YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE ME
ANOTHER CHANCE.

I GET THREE WISHES
OR THREE CHANCES, DON'T I?

OH, THAT'S GENIES
AND LEPRECHAUNS.

I DON'T WORK THAT WAY.

ARE YOU AFRAID IF YOU GIVE ME
ANOTHER SHOT AT IT,

THAT I MIGHT DO A BETTER JOB
THAN YOU? WATCH YOUR STEP, SON.

I WON'T HESITATE TO GO
OLD TESTAMENT ON YOUR BEHIND.

OKAY, OKAY, GOD. I THINK WHAT
JIM IS TRYING TO SAY IS,

YOU KNOW,
FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,

MEN AND WOMEN HAVE BEEN
AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

YEAH, I MEAN, COME ON. YOU GAVE
NOAH 40 DAYS TO BUILD THAT ZOO.

WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME ONE MORE
SHOT? I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN IDEA.

WELL...
UH-HUH, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

HEY. WE HAD WOMEN
BEING MORE LIKE MEN.

MAYBE MEN SHOULD BE
MORE LIKE WOMEN.

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA
I HAVE EVER HEARD.

AND BESIDES, I'VE GOT
A MILLION THINGS TO DO

RIGHT NOW
BEFORE THE DINNER PARTY,

AND I'M GONNA
HAVE TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF,

AND OF COURSE,
I GOT NO ONE TO THANK ME,

AND OH, MY GOD, YOU JUST
CHANGED ME INTO A WOMAN!

GOD LISTENED TO ME!
I'M SO HAPPY!

AW.

HELLO, EVERYBODY!

HI.

LOOK AT YOU! OH, MWAH,
MWAH. MWAH, MWAH.

YOU...

YOU LOOK FABULOUS.
WELL...

I WOULD KILL
FOR THAT METABOLISM.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?

OH, YEAH.
YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU LIKE IT?
BUT WITH THE SHOES, THOUGH?

WITH THE SHOES?
SHOES ARE PERFECT.

ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I
GOT OTHERS. NO, UNH-UNH.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG, ANDY?

NOTHING.

COME ON.
SOMETHING'S WRONG.

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT
YOU TOLD DANA HOW THIN SHE WAS,

BUT YOU DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?

2 POUNDS.
OH!

IT'S A START.

YEAH, IT'S VERY GOOD,
VERY GOOD.

YOUR RISOTTO
SMELLS FANTASTIC.

HEY, JUST DON'T
MAKE IT TOO SALTY,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
WHEN THE FERGUSONS SERVED IT,

IT WAS... IT WAS A BIT MUCH.

(taps spoon)

WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY
TELL ME?

JIM!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM NOT SERVING SOMETHING
THAT'S BEEN SERVED ALREADY.

I WOULD RATHER DIE.

OKAY, OKAY,
LET'S NOT PANIC.

WE DON'T HAVE
TO HAVE RISOTTO.

WE HAVE PLENTY
OF ROSEMARY CHICKEN.

YES, BECAUSE I CARED ENOUGH
TO MAKE TWO MAIN DISHES.

THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.

WELL, I APPRECIATE
THAT YOU MADE CHICKEN.

IT DOESN'T COUNT
IF I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SAY IT.

WELL, JUST DON'T DRY OUT
THAT CHICKEN

LIKE SALLY DICKERSON DID
WHEN SHE SERVED IT.

OH, YEAH.

SALLY DICKERSON?

SALLY FLIPPIN' DICKERSON?!

HONEY, WOULD YOU JUST RELAX?

DO... NOT... TELL... ME...

TO... RE... LAX.

I'M JUST SAYING
WE CAN FIX THIS.

I DON'T WANT IT FIXED!

I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD!

JIM.

(crying) I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
IT'S RUINED. IT'S ALL RUINED.

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW.

OH, OH!

JIM.

YOU KNOW
HOW CHERYL IS, MOM.

I MEAN, SHE SAYS OUR MARRIAGE
DOESN'T MATTER,

AND SHE HATES ME.

(angelic music playing)

OH, GOD, I GOTTA GO.

TOUGH DAY, ALICE?

YES.

I JUST DON'T LIKE
THIS BEING A WOMAN ANYMORE.

I WANT TO BE A MAN AGAIN,

AND NOW MY EYES ARE GONNA BE
ALL RED FOR THE DINNER PARTY.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT ME
TO CHANGE YOU BACK?

YES. (sniffles)

MAKE ME THE INSENSITIVE MAN
THAT I WAS...

MORE SO, IF YOU CAN.

PULL MY FINGER.

WELCOME BACK, JIM.
OH.

I KNOW YOU'VE HAD A
LONG DAY, BUT... MM-HMM.

I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO ADMIT
THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE PERFECT

JUST THE WAY I MADE THEM.
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? COME ON.

WHEN... WHEN WE'RE HOT,
THEY'RE COLD.

WHEN THEY'RE COLD,
WE'RE HOT.

I MEAN, THEY THINK
THE THREE STOOGES ARE STUPID,

AND WE WISH
THERE WERE FOUR.

I MEAN, THEY LIKE FOREPLAY,
WE LIKE PLAY.

COME ON.

IT'S ALL PART
OF MY PLAN, JIM.

PLAN? YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A PLAN.

I THINK YOU'RE
JUST WINGIN' IT, BABY.

I MEAN, COME ON...

PUTTING CHURCH AND FOOTBALL
ON SUNDAY AT THE SAME TIME?

I MEAN, YOU'RE LOSING
HALF YOUR AUDIENCE.

FINE, NO MORE FOOTBALL.

NO, NO, NOT THE FINGERS,
NOT THE FINGERS!

COME ON, MAN.

I LOVE SEEING YOU
SO MISERABLE.

SHUT UP AND GIVE ME
A KEBAB.

IT'S NOT HOT.

IT'S HOTTER THAN YOU,
BUTT-WIPE.

HMM. HAVE YOU HAD CHERYL'S
SHRIMP WRAPPED IN BACON?

MMM, I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'VE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES,

BUT BACON AIN'T ONE OF 'EM.

WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I FIGURE I PUT YOU
THROUGH THE WRINGER TODAY, JIM.

YEAH.
SO TO MAKE THINGS SQUARE,

HOW ABOUT I GUARANTEE YOU ENJOY
THE REST OF THIS PARTY?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK
THAT I DON'T HAVE FAITH,

BECAUSE YOU DID CREATE
PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS

AND PUSH-UP BRAS.

BUT THERE IS NOTHING
THAT YOU CAN DO

TO MAKE ME ENJOY THIS.

OH, TRUST ME ON THIS ONE,
JIM.

JUST RELAX
AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

OKAY.

I'LL RELAX
AND ENJOY MYSELF.

AND EASY ON THAT SHRIMP.
IT'S 16 BUCKS A POUND.

CHARLIE.
HEY, JIM, GOOD TO SEE YA.

CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE INVITED.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND I BROUGHT
YOUR FAVORITE BEER. GOPHERHOFF?

WHEN YOU GO FOR BEER...

(both) GOPHERHOFF.
(laughs)

OH, HEY, JIM.
OH, HI, MARY BETH.

HEY, UH, COME WITH ME. I WANT
TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY HUSBAND.

I THINK YOU TWO
WOULD TOTALLY HIT IT OFF.

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK THAT?

WELL, HE WORKS FOR THE CUBS.
OH, HEAVENS. (laughs)

HEY, EVERYBODY. (laughs)

OH, GREAT.
WE'RE WEARING THE SAME THING.

THANKS A LOT, JIM.

ANDY, SETTLE DOWN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

WE'RE NOT GIRLS ANYMORE.
GOD CHANGED US.

IT'S STILL A DISASTER!

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T STAY
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER?

(laughs) ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

AND, WILLIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THE HEIMLICH.

IT CAME JUST IN TIME.

CHEW YOUR FOOD.

YES.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THAT. SORRY.

HEY, THE MAN OF THE HOUR!

LOOK AT YOU!
I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, TAKE MY CHAIR.
YOU DESERVE IT.

OH, THANK YOU, JIM.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SO MOVED
SINCE BEYONCé THANKED ME

FOR HER AMERICAN MUSIC AWARD.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WHATEVER YOU DID,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,

BUT IT WORKED, BECAUSE I HAD
A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU
EXACTLY WHAT I DID... NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOTHING?
I SAW YOU DO THE FINGER THING.

LEFT HAND DOESN'T COUNT.
RIGHT HAND THROWS THE THUNDER.

YOU KNOW, TONIGHT ALL I DID

WAS TELL YOU TO RELAX
AND ENJOY YOURSELF,

AND YOU DID.

YOU LIED TO ME, GOD.
GOD, YOU LIED TO ME!

BIG DEAL.

I JUST INSPIRED YOU
TO FIND A HIGHER TRUTH.

OOH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
I'M GONNA USE THAT WITH CHERYL.

ONCE YOU GOT
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE,

EVERYTHING GOT BETTER.

MAYBE YOU OUGHTA
TRY THAT MORE OFTEN.

YOU'D FIND FEWER THINGS
TO GET MAD ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I NEEDED
A SERMON, I'D GO TO CHURCH.

I KNOW YOU LIKE COMPLAINING
ABOUT WOMEN,

BUT I THINK
WHAT MAKES 'EM DIFFERENT

IS WHAT MAKES THEM GREAT.

PLUS THE BOOBS.

BETTER THAN BACON.

(laughs)

HEY, ONE MORE QUESTION...

THE CUBS WORLD SERIES,
BEFORE I DIE?

OH, COME ON, JIM.
ONE MIRACLE AT A TIME.

WHAT THE HELL
GOT INTO YOU TONIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

UH, YOU WERE CHARMING,
YOU WERE CHEERFUL.

YOU DIDN'T FIGHT
WITH ANYONE.

I MEAN, YOU DIDN'T EVEN
PASS THE HAT TO COVER EXPENSES.

WELL, HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAD A GOOD TIME.

WELL, I DID, TOO.

THANK YOU.

OH, DON'T THANK ME.
THANK THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS.

ANDY'S STILL HERE?

NO. NO.

NO, NO, NO, HONEY. NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HMM?

I-I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I-I...

I REALLY APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU DO...

EVEN THESE
STUPID LITTLE DINNER PARTIES.

AW.

AND I WAS THINKING,
YOU KNOW,

FOR YEARS,
PEOPLE HAVE COME UP TO ME

AND ASKED ME
HOW I ENDED UP WITH YOU.

AND I GET THAT,

BUT I FINALLY FIGURED OUT
WHY I WAS SO LUCKY.

THE LORD WORKS
IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

JIM, YOU'RE SO SWEET
TONIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, COUNT ON
MORE OF THAT IN THE FUTURE.

AW.

HEY, DO YOU WANT
TO JOIN ME TOMORROW

FOR SOME SHOE SHOPPING
AT THE OUTLET MALL?

NO, CHERYL.

ONE MIRACLE AT A TIME.

(laughs)