According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Hot Wife - full transcript

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I AM SO HAPPY
WE'RE DOING THIS...

FANCY RESTAURANT...

MM-HMM.
SUIT AND TIE. OH.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
WE WENT OUT LIKE THIS?

I'M THINKING, UH,
YOUR FATHER'S FUNERAL.

RIGHT.

BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS
TONIGHT I MIGHT GET SOME.

OH. HEY,
I WANNA TRY HAMACHI.

OH, THAT SOUNDS DIRTY.
DO I NEED TO STRETCH?

OH, IT'S A KIND OF FISH.

OH, DIRTY AND HEALTHY.



(laughs) OH, HONEY,
THERE'S THE MAîTRE D'.

WOULD YOU GO CHECK ON OUR TABLE?
(sighs) YOU KNOW, AT THE RED COWBOY,

THEY GIVE YOU ONE
OF THOSE THINGS THAT BUZZ

WHEN YOUR TABLE'S READY. I LIKE
TO PUT 'EM... PUT IT DOWN YOUR PANTS,

AND THEN YOU GET DINNER
AND DESSERT AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT NEVER GETS OLD,
HONEY. GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW ME, BABY.
YOU KNOW ME.

HEY, PAL.
HOW'S THAT TABLE COMING?

I MEAN, UH, I CAN GET BY
ON THESE MINTS,

BUT THE WIFE'S
A BIT PECKISH.

IT'S GOING TO BE
AT LEAST ANOTHER HOUR.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WE MADE A RESERVATION.

I'LL CALL YOU AS SOON
AS YOUR TABLE'S READY.

YOU KNOW,
AT THE RED COWBOY,



TO KILL TIME, THEY HAVE
A TABLETOP MS. PAC-MAN.

I DON'T SEE
A SUGGESTION BOX,

SO I'M GONNA TAKE THAT ONE
RIGHT TO THE TOP.

THANK YOU.

(sighs) CHERYL, STRUCK OUT.

OH.

OH, I'M SORRY.
WERE YOU SITTING THERE?

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A SHOT AT IT?

OH, I... WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH, COME ON.
NO GUY CAN RESIST YOU.

JUST SHOW A LITTLE SKIN,
SQUEEZE YOUR GIRL JUNK TOGETHER,

AND IN TWO MINUTES,
WE'LL BE SITTING BY THE WINDOW

GOING CRAZY ON BREADSTICKS.
OH.

COME ON.

DO YOU WANT
A TABLE OR A BOOTH?

YOU WORK IT, BABY.

AH.

HI.

HELLO. IT'S GOING TO BE
AT LEAST ANOTHER HOUR.

YEAH, I-I KNOW
THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD

MY BROTHER OVER THERE,

BUT I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
YOU COULD DO,

BECAUSE I AM SO HUNGRY.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE
A TABLE FOR YOU.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

STILL NOTHING.

SO AN HOUR, THEN?

HI. IS THERE ANY WAY
WE CAN GET A TABLE FOR TWO?

WE DON'T HAVE
A RESERVATION.

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE
SOMETHING JUST OPENED UP.

WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW ME RIGHT
THIS WAY? WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND.

YOU DON'T HAVE A TABLE FOR US,

BUT YOU CAN SEAT THEM
RIGHT AWAY? PRECISELY.

(scoffs)

CHERYL, WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT, IT DIDN'T WORK?

NO.

DID YOU TAKE HIM
ON A TOUR OF THE CANYON?

I DID. MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST GO TO THE RED COWBOY.

OH, I GOT IT ON SPEED DIAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
WE GET DESSERT FOR FREE.

♪♪♪

CHERYL, I USED
THE BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS.

THAT'S COURTESY.

THANK YOU.

HAD A TOUGH NIGHT,
HUH, HONEY?

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT ALWAYS HELPS ME

WHEN I'M NOT FEELING SEXY?
SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SEX.

CHERYL, SWEATS?

COME ON, HONEY.
I'M DRESSED UP.

WE WENT OUT TO DINNER.

I-I WANNA SEE SOMETHIN'
TIGHT AND SEE-THROUGH...

SOMETHING THAT YOU GOTTA
HIDE FROM THE KIDS

WHEN YOU'RE DOING
THE LAUNDRY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY,
JIM?

WHY DON'T YOU SAY,

"ALL RIGHT.
LET'S KNOCK ONE OUT"?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
OH, CHERYL...

THIS... THIS HAS NEVER
NOT WORKED FOR ME.

FIVE YEARS AGO, I COULD HAVE
GOTTEN US IN TO THAT RESTAURANT.

WELL,
MAYBE NOT US BUT ME.

CHERYL, COME ON.

YOU ARE THE HOTTEST WOMAN
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY
EVERY DAY.

OH, YOU'RE MY HUSBAND.
THAT'S NOT THE SAME.

(scoffs)

I KNOW IT MUST BE ROUGH.

I MEAN,
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

HOW I'LL FEEL
WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME.

LET'S JUST HOPE
THAT I'LL BE AS SENSITIVE

AS YOU'RE BEING TONIGHT.

YOU WILL BE, HONEY.
YOU WILL.

YOU KNOW,
LET'S FACE IT.

THAT RESTAURANT HAD
SOME PRETTY HIGH-END TALENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS,

IS YOU'RE PLAYING
OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

MY LEAGUE?

YEAH,
I MEAN EVERYBODY KNOWS

YOU'RE THE HOTTEST WOMAN
IN THE WHOLE P.T.A.

I MEAN, SURE,
YOU'RE HEARING FOOTSTEPS.

I MEAN, THAT BLONDE
THAT USED TO BE A DANCER...

SHE'S PRETTY SHARP.

BUT SHE JUST HAD
THAT SECOND KID.

WHO KNOWS IF SHE'S GONNA
LOSE THE WEIGHT?

WHY ARE YOU NOT MELTING?

THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

I GUESS I'M JUST NOT
FEELING VERY SEXY.

WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE, HONEY.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

DON'T.

CRAP.

AFTERNOON, PYGMIES.

HOW'S LIFE BELOW 5 FEET?

UNCLE ANDY,
CAN YOU DO A HEADSTAND?

RUBY THINKS YOU CAN'T.
WE'VE GOT A NICKEL RIDING ON IT.

A NICKEL?

SHOULD'VE BET
A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

STEP ASIDE, RUNTS.

LET A MAN WORK.

HA HA!

GET YOUR NICKEL READY,
LOSER.

AND... UPSY-DAISY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, HUH?

WHAT? HEY, WHAT THE HELL?

COME ON. GET BACK HERE!

HEY, GIRLS.

HEY, ANDY.

HEY, JIM, HOW ARE YA?

I'M NOT DOING SO...

GET ME DOWN!

HEY,
I FEEL A LITTLE WEAK.

THERE YOU GO.

WHOA, YOU ALL RIGHT?
HUH? ANDY?

NO.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I SEE LITTLE, TINY STARS.

OH.

LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LAST NIGHT, I-I TOOK CHERYL
TO THAT NEW RESTAURANT.

OOH, DID YA GET
THE HAMACHI?

TRIED, BUT SHE WASN'T
IN THE MOOD.

ANYWAY, SOME STUFF HAPPENED,
AND... (sighs) I DON'T KNOW.

CHERYL DOESN'T FEEL THAT
SHE'S HOT LIKE SHE USED TO BE.

OOH, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.
YEAH.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

HOW I'LL FEEL
WHEN IT HAPPENS TO ME.

KNOCK IT OFF.
QUIT JOKING AROUND HERE.

I MEAN, I NEED YOU HERE, MAN.
I NEED YOUR HELP.

JIM, JIM, JIM.

IF THE QUEEN BEE AIN'T
GIVIN' YOU DA HONEY,

YOU GOTS TO SHAKE UP
DA HIVE.

TRY COMPLIMENTING HER.

I COMPLIMENTED HER.
I DON'T KNOW, ANDY.

MAYBE AFTER 15 YEARS
OF MARRIAGE,

SHE NEEDS THAT STUFF
FROM A HANDSOME GUY

THAT'S NOT ME.

WELL, SHE'S MY SISTER,
BUT I CAN GIVE IT A SHOT.

ANDY!

(doorbell rings)

LOOK, YOUR RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER
BRIDE WENT BACK TO RUSSIA.

YOU THINK YOUR SISTER'S
GONNA GO OUT WITH YOU?

NICE JUGS, BRAD.

OH, THAT'S FUNNY
EVERY TIME, JIM.

I'LL TAKE THESE
TO THE KITCHEN.

ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I'M THINKING?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BOSS.

IF WE KILL BRAD,
WE GET ALL THE WATER.

HELLO, BRAD.

HEY. (chuckles nervously)

I'M ALL DONE HERE.

YOU'RE LEAVING?
WHAT'S THE HURRY?

MY WIFE'S UPSTAIRS.

OKAY.

SHE'S LOOKIN' PRETTY HOT.

UH, SO SHE WANTS WATER?

OH, SHE'S THIRSTY.

SHE'S REAL THIRSTY.

CHERYL'S
A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN,

DON'T YOU THINK, BRAD?

SURE.

IS THERE ANY REASON
YOU COULDN'T TELL HER THAT?

YOU KNOW,
SHAKE UP THE HIVE?

GETS THAT HONEY
TO FLOW.

LOOK,
I-I KNOW EVERYONE THINKS

THE WATER DELIVERY GUY'S LIFE'S
LIKE A PORNO MOVIE,

BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I'M A GOOD CHRISTIAN.

MAYBE ASK THE PIZZA GUY.

I HEAR HE LIKES
THIS KIND OF THING.

ANDY...

ARE YOU THINKIN'
WHAT I'M THINKIN'?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU,
BOSS.

WE SHOULD ORDER PIZZA
TONIGHT.

ANDY, NO. NO.

I'M GONNA HAVE BRAD
FLIRT WITH CHERYL

WHETHER HE KNOWS IT
OR NOT.

TAKE... TAKE A SEAT.

HERE.

HERE, WRITE THIS...

DEAR CHERYL...

I AM SO SORRY
I MISSED YOU.

YOUR TIGHT, LITTLE BODY
IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY ROUTES.

"TIGHT, LITTLE BODY"?

THAT... THAT'S
A LITTLE CREEPY.

P.S. I GO TO CHURCH.

HOW ABOUT

"I AM SO SORRY
I MISSED SEEING

THE PRETTIEST LADY
ON MY WHOLE ROUTE"?

ANDY, THAT'S GREAT.

THANKS.

W-WHAT ELSE
ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DRAWING
A SQUIRREL SAYING...

(high-pitched voice) "I'M
NUTS FOR YOU." (laughs)

(normal voice) IT'S...
IT'S SWEET, BUT A LITTLE RACY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "RACY"?
HE'S POINTING AT HIS UNIT.

ANDY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ALL RIGHT.

STRAIGHTEN THAT OUT.

FINE.

I'LL JUST CHANGE IT
TO A BRANCH...

AND CHANGE THESE
TO ACORNS.

HEY.

HEY, YOURSELF.

OOH, AM I SENSING
SOMETHING DIFFERENT HERE?

(laughs)

NOT WEARING SWEATS?

NO.

GOT A SMILE
ON YOUR FACE...

AND WHAT... (sniffs)
IS THAT INTOXICATING ODOR?

I GOT A ROAST
IN THE OVEN.

(gasps)

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

(giggles)

SO WHY SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

(sighs)
IT IS SO SILLY,

AND... AND...
AND TOTALLY INNOCENT, BUT...

GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW BRAD,
THE WATER GUY?

BRAD...

WATER...

GUY...

WELL, HE LEFT ME
THE SWEETEST NOTE,

AND IT JUST...
IT... IT GAVE ME A LIFT.

HE EVEN DREW ME
A CUTE PICTURE

OF A BEAVER HOLDING
A FLASHLIGHT.

OH, OH, OH, HONEY,
HONEY, DON'T BE MAD.

IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL GOOD.

OH, YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS,
ARE YOU?

A LITTLE BIT.

(sighs) WELL, CHERYL,

I GUESS THAT'S
THE PRICE YOU PAY

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED
TO A SMOKIN' HOT WIFE.

(gasps) CHERYL MABEL, IS THAT
YOUR SATURDAY NIGHT UNDERWEAR?

(gasps) OH, MY GOODNESS.
I THINK IT IS.

AND ON A TUESDAY.

WELL, I'D BETTER
RUN UPSTAIRS

AND TAKE THIS OFF
RIGHT NOW.

IS THIS ROAST GONNA BE FINE?

(Cheryl) GET MOVIN'.

(exhales deeply)
THANKS, BRAD.

(high-pitched voice)
YOU AND I, TOGETHER.

HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND
ON WATER THIS WEEK?

70 BUCKS.

NOW ASK ME
HOW MANY TIMES

I'VE SEEN
YOUR SISTER NAKED.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
WE HAVE TO CALL MR. BUBBLY

AND RESTOCK OUR WATER.

ALL RIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
START WORKING ON A NEW NOTE?

OKAY, BUT CAN THAT BE
THE LAST ONE?

IT'S STARTING TO GET
A LITTLE WEIRD.

WHAT IS SO WEIRD ABOUT
YOU WRITING LOVE LETTERS

TO YOUR SISTER
FROM THE WATER GUY

SO SHE'LL SLEEP
WITH ME MORE?

THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD PART.

WHAT'S WEIRD IS CHERYL'S
GETTING HER HIVE SHAKEN,

BUT IT'S ANOTHER DIRTY BEE
DOING THE BUZZIN'.

YOU KNOW, WILL YOU JUST
STOP WITH THIS BEE STUFF?

AND STOP WATCHING
THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

I'M JUST SAYING, JIM.

CHERYL'S THINKING ABOUT
ANOTHER GUY WHEN SHE'S WITH YOU,

AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT.
OH, BAH!

I DON'T KNOW, JIM.

I THINK IF YOU COULD GET
INSIDE THAT BLONDE HEAD,

YOU'D SEE THERE'S WATER
ON THE BRAIN.

BAH?

HEY, BIG BOY.

GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING?

NEW UNDERWEAR?

NO UNDERWEAR.

(gasps) SUDDENLY
I FEEL SO OVERDRESSED.

HONEY, UM, BEFORE
WE START, WOULD YOU MIND?

I'M KIND OF THIRSTY.
OH, YEAH, SURE.

YOU WANT A SODA OR A GLASS
OF WINE? UH, JUST WATER, THANKS.

WATER?

YEAH.

THAT'S AN ODD REQUEST.

NOT IF YOU'RE THIRSTY.

OKAY.

I'LL GET YOU A GLASS
OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

OH.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

YEAH, THAT WATER
TASTES KIND OF RUSTY.

I'D REALLY PREFER
A TALL GLASS OF MR. BUBBLY.

(lowers voice)
I BET YOU WOULD.

ARE YOU OKAY?

(normal voice)
NO, CHERYL.

I'M NOT OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, HONEY,
NOT THE SWEATS.

I'M JUST NOT FEELING SEXY.

(scoffs)

DON'T.

HOW'S YOUR TOAST?

FINE.

DO YOU NEED MORE COFFEE?

NO. I'M GOOD.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH. COULDN'T BE BETTER.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE
YOU'RE UPSET

ABOUT THE NOTES
FROM THE WATER GUY?

WATER...

GUY?

JIM, I TOLD YOU THOSE NOTES
WERE TOTALLY INNOCENT.

I-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO ENCOURAGE HIM.

JUST... THEY MADE ME
FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

(doorbell rings)

(Brad) MR. BUBBLY!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE
OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT, CHERYL.
YOU TELL THAT LITTLE PRETTY BOY

YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE
OF HIS LOVE NOTES.

OH, CRAP! CHER-CHERYL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A MAN'S JOB,
ON SECOND THOUGHT.

LET ME HANDLE THIS. LET ME
TALK TO HIM. NO, NO, NO. JIM, JIM.

MORNING, CHERYL.

YOU PEOPLE SURE
ARE THIRSTY LATELY.

YEAH, BRAD, WE REALLY NEED
TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NOTES. NO.

WHAT NOTES?

OH. (scoffs)
YOU KNOW WHAT NOTES.

I'VE GOT THEM
RIGHT OVER HERE.

(coughs) YOU HEARD THE
WOMAN. GET OUT OF HERE. WHOA!

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

I THINK I'LL TAKE
THAT CUP OF COFFEE NOW.

(Brad) I DIDN'T WRITE ANY NOTES!

AND I THINK I'M HURT.

JIM...

DID YOU WRITE THOSE NOTES?

CHERYL, HONESTLY,

I CAN SAY I DID NOT
WRITE THOSE NOTES.

DID ANDY
WRITE THOSE NOTES?

I DON'T KNOW.

DID... ANDY... WRITE...
THOSE... NOTES?

OKAY, CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION FIRST?

WAS THERE EVEN
A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY

OF SEX TONIGHT?

WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU DOING?

OH, CHERYL, COME ON.

I WAS TRYING TO GET
YOUR GROOVE BACK.

I WAS TRYING
TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

SO I'D SLEEP
WITH YOU MORE?

WELL, IF IT TURNS OUT
THAT WAY, FINE, I GUESS...

A HAPPY ACCIDENT. I MEAN,
IT WAS LIKE PENICILLIN.

IT WAS DISCOVERED BY LEAVING
COOKIES OUT IN THE SUN.

OH, GOD,
I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

OH, COME ON. DON'T GO THERE.
OH, NO.

HERE I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
THOUGHT I WAS HOT AGAIN,

AND IT WAS YOU. CHERYL,
EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE HOT!

ALL THOSE NOTES.

(gasps) AND THE FLOWERS
FROM THE MAILMAN.

CHERYL, WHY CAN'T YOU
JUST THINK...

FLOWERS? WHAT FLOWERS?

OH, WOULD YOU STOP IT?
I KNOW IT WAS YOU.

CHERYL, THINK ABOUT IT.

WOULD I SPEND
THE MONEY ON FLOWERS

WHEN I CAN GET
YOUR BROTHER

TO WRITE YOU
LOVE LETTERS FOR FREE?

SO... THE MAILMAN'S
REALLY HITTING ON ME?

OF COURSE HE IS, HONEY.

BECAUSE YOU STILL GOT IT.

THOSE NOTES THAT I SENT YOU
FROM BRAD MADE YOU FEEL BETTER,

AND YOU STARTED
PUTTING IT OUT THERE AGAIN.

YOU THINK?

I KNOW, CHERYL.

YOU LOST YOUR MOJO,

AND I GOT IT BACK FOR YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY DID
FEEL GOOD BEING HOT AGAIN.

CHERYL, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU NEVER STOPPED
BEING HOT.

AW.

AND YOU NEVER WILL
STOP BEING HOT.

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHIN'?

IF YOU WROTE THOSE NOTES,
WHY WERE YOU JEALOUS OF THEM?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT
WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER,

YOU MIGHT BE THINKING
ABOUT THE WATER GUY.

OH, ARE YOU CRAZY?

YES. YOU KNOW THAT.

OH, HONEY.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE
THE ONLY MAN FOR ME.

AND YOU KNOW,

WHEN WE'RE
INSIDE THAT BEDROOM,

WE ARE BOTH ONLY
THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YEAH.

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW
THAT I THINK

YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,
SMOKIN' HOT WIFE EVER.

AW, THANK YOU. MMM.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
CLEAN UP THAT WATER, HUH?

YOU KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT,

AND I JUST WANT TO TAKE CARE
OF SOMETHING REAL QUICK? OKAY.

OKAY.

SMOKIN' HOT WIFE.

OH, GOD.
HE'S GOT A BAT.

OH, BOB THE MAILMAN.

YOU KNOW HE'S GAY, RIGHT?

THOSE FLOWERS WERE FOR YOU.