According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 1 - Foul Ball - full transcript

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OH-HO-HO.

(snores)

♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
CLOSE FOR MAMA.

YOU ARE NEVER GONNA
GET THAT ZIPPED UP.

DANA, I'VE GOTTEN JIM
INTO HIS CHURCH PANTS

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

AAH! HA!

ALL RIGHT, BABY,
GO PUT THAT BY THE DOOR

SO IT'S READY FOR YOUR
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW.

IT'S TOO HEAVY.



ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
READY?

AND... GO!

OKAY, GIRLS, COME ON.

I'LL HELP YOU PICK OUT
CUTE OUTFITS

FOR THE BOYS TOMORROW.

I HATE BOYS.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT ONE DAY
YOU'RE GONNA FALL IN LOVE,

GET MARRIED AND LIVE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER JUST LIKE ME.

WILL I BE JUST LIKE YOU,
BUT NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT IT?

SORRY, GRACIE,
I CAN'T HEAR YOU

OVER THE SOUNDTRACK
TO MY PERFECT LIFE.

CHERYL, CHERYL,
CHERYL, CHERYL! WHAT?

GREAT NEWS!

ONE OF MY CLIENTS GOT CAUGHT
CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.



LONG STORY SHORT,

HE'S MEETIN' WITH
HIS DIVORCE LAWYER TOMORROW,

AND I GET HIS TICKETS
TO THE CUBS GAME!

OH, NO!

YEAH!

GOD, DO THEY HAVE ANY KIDS?

THIS IS THE BEST PART.
THEY DO!

A SON,
SO THERE'S THREE TICKETS.

SO ANDY AND I
ARE GONNA TAKE KYLE

TO HIS
FIRST BASEBALL GAME,

HIS FIRST CUBS GAME EVER,
TOMORROW!

WELL, TOMORROW, NO, NO, JIM.

TOMORROW'S KYLE'S FIRST DAY
OF KINDERGARTEN.

WHAT'S HE GONNA LEARN,
HOW TO TAKE A NAP?

I'VE BEEN HOMESCHOOLING HIM
IN THAT SINCE BIRTH.

NO, NO,
THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

IS WHEN THEY LEARN
WHAT'S EXPECTED OF THEM

AND EVERYBODY PAIRS OFF
WITH THEIR NEW LITTLE FRIENDS.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT HE BE THERE.

COME ON!

IT'S NOT MORE IMPORTANT
THAN A FATHER AND SON

GOING TO THEIR
FIRST BALL GAME TOGETHER,

THEIR FIRST CUBS GAME.

WELL, LUCKILY,
THIS IS AN EDUCATION ISSUE,

WHICH MAKES IT MY TERRITORY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS A CUBS ISSUE,

A SPORTS ISSUE.

AND ACCORDING TO
OUR WEDDING VOWS

AND THE GENEVA CONVENTION,

THAT IS MY TERRITORY,
YOUNG LADY.

OH, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE HIM ON SATURDAY

WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN
HAVE SCHOOL?

CHERYL, THESE ARE
FREE TICKETS.

THEY ARE FRONT ROW TICKETS,
RIGHT THERE BY THE DUGOUT.

20 YEARS FROM NOW,
KYLE'S GONNA BE ABLE

TO TELL HIS FRIENDS
HE WAS SO CLOSE TO THE DUGOUT,

HE COULD TAKE
DUSTY BAKER'S TOOTHPICK

RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

YEAH, AND I'M SURE
ALL THE OTHER

SCHOOL-SKIPPIN' FRY COOKS
WILL BE DULY IMPRESSED.

CHERYL, I BELIEVE FRY COOKS
ARE A VERY IMPORTANT PART

OF THE SHINING CITY ON THE HILL
THAT I LIKE TO CALL AMERICA.

NOW KYLE IS GOING
TO THAT GAME TOMORROW,

AND THAT IS FINAL.

(stomps foot)

VETO.

I SEE.

THE VETO?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
VETO.

KYLE'S GOING
TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

CHALLENGE!

GROUNDS?

YOU DON'T HAVE THE VETO.
IT'S MY TURN.

NO, NO, JIM.

LAST THURSDAY,
I SAID KYLE COULD NOT PEE

IN THE CHUCK E. CHEESE
PARKING LOT.

YOU SAID "VETO."

NOW WE CAN'T
GO THERE ANYMORE,

AND THE VETO REVERTS TO ME.
CHALLENGE DENIED.

CURSES!

MM-HMM. YEAH.

I'LL DROP HIM OFF AT 8.
YOU PICK HIM UP.

APPEAL!
DENIED.

UH, FILIBUSTER!

NOW YOU'RE JUST SAYING WORDS
YOU HEARD ON THE NEWS.

INSURGENT!

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

YOUR FIRST DAY
OF KINDERGARTEN.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO WALK YOU IN?

NOPE, I'M A BIG BOY NOW.

YES, YOU ARE.

AWW...

THAT'S IT.

GIVE HER A HUG.

NO TEARS,
OTHERWISE SHE'LL WALK YOU IN

AND WE'LL MISS
THE FIRST INNING!

PUDDING?

NO.

THEN WE'D BE TWO GUYS
IN THE BUSHES EATING PUDDING.

OKAY.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

I LOVE YOU.

WAVE GOOD-BYE.

THAT'S IT.

LET HER KNOW
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

NO, NO, NO! MOMMY! NOT
ME! WHOA! WE'RE DEAD!

OKAY.
OKAY, WE'RE SAFE.

CHERYL DIDN'T SEE US.

WHEW.
WE ALMOST HAD A DISASTER.

ALMOST? ANTS ARE CRAWLING
ALL THROUGH MY PUDDING.

STILL PUDDING.

HATS!

OH, GOOD MORNING, JIM.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M OKAY, MS. CRAWFORD.

I'M SORRY, WAS THAT
MS. CRAWFORD OR MRS. CRAWFORD?

IT'S MS.
I'M NOT MARRIED.

OH.

WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU COULD
TEACH ME THE THREE R's...

READING, WRITING
AND RRRRR.

UH, MS. CRAWFORD,

THERE'S BEEN A FAMILY EMERGENCY,

AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE KYLE OUT OF SCHOOL.

HIS AUNT IS VERY SICK.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

SHOULD I HAVE SOMEONE
PULL RUBY AND GRACIE

OUT OF THEIR CLASSES
AS WELL?

THAT'S RIGHT.
UH, YOU KNOW THEM.

UM...

UM, YOU KNOW,
NOT A GOOD IDEA.

NO.

NO, UM, NO, THEY WERE
THE ONES THAT, UM...

THAT ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED
THE HAIR DRYER IN THE TUB.

YEAH, IT'S A...
VERY DARK DAY IN OUR FAMILY.

OKAY, KYLE, COME ON!

SHAKE A LEG!

COME ON, KYLE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BYE.

OKAY, BUDDY, LET'S GO!
WE'RE GOING TO YOUR FIRST GAME!

THAT'S RIGHT, LOSERS!
FRONT ROW SEATS!

HEY, HEY. SIT DOWN, WATCH THE
GAME. TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME.

MINE NOW.

YEAH, SUNNY SKIES,
CUBS UP BY THREE...

I'M HERE WITH MY SON
AT HIS FIRST CUBS GAME,

FIRST BASEBALL GAME EVER.

WHY, CAN THIS DAY
GET ANY BETTER?

I'M GONNA BE A BASEBALL PLAYER
WHEN I GROW UP.

IT JUST GOT BETTER!

HEADS UP!
I GOT IT!

NO, NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT!
LET HIM CATCH IT!

LET HIM CATCH IT!
OW!

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

THE BALL HIT MY EYE!

LET ME SEE, HONEY.

OOH.

UH, HERE'S A NICE
ICE COLD BEER.

IT'LL MAKE YOUR EYE
FEEL MUCH BETTER.

NO, DON'T DRINK IT!

PUT IT UP
AGAINST YOUR EYE.

NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA GET THIS BABY
AUTOGRAPHED. OH, ANDY...

AND YOU SAID THIS DAY
COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER.

LOSERS!

SIT DOWN, MAN!
SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.
COME HERE, MY BOY.

LET'S SEE
IF THAT ICE HELPED.

OOH!
OOH!

YEAH, GOOD LUCK
WITH THAT, JIM.

HEY, HEY!
STAY RIGHT HERE.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

LOOK, ALL WE GOTTA DO
IS WALK IN THERE

AND DO EXACTLY WHAT
WE TALKED ABOUT,

ALL RIGHT?

OKAY.

LOOK AT THAT...
MY SON'S FIRST CUBS GAME

AND HIS FIRST SCHEME
WITH HIS DAD.

OH, BOY,
THEY GET OLD FAST.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
HE'LL BE HITTIN' A PARKED CAR

AND NOT LEAVIN' A NOTE.

HEY!

HI.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY AT...
(gasps)

OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT PUNCHED IN THE EYE
BY A BULLY.

AWW, BABY...

AWW, MAMA'S HERE.

OKAY, ANDY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
KYLE IN THE KITCHEN

AND GET SOMETHING COLDER
FOR HIS EYE?

LIKE A BEER?

A BEER?

CHERYL, WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING
AT THAT SCHOOL, HUH?

DO NOT TAKE ME DOWN WITH YOU,
I SWEAR TO GOD.

MOMMY WILL BE RIGHT IN,
MY BRAVE, SWEET LITTLE MAN.

I WANT BLOOD!
WHO DID THAT?

THE BULLY.

RONNIE HART?

THAT'S THE ONE!

I KNEW IT.
I AM CALLING HIS MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, HER HUSBAND
OWNS A CAR DEALERSHIP.

THEY THINK
THEY POOP SUNSHINE.

CH-CH-CHERYL, I ALREADY
TALKED TO THE MOTHER.

AND MAY I REMIND YOU,

PLAYGROUND BATTLES
ARE MY TERRITORY.

I DON'T CARE! I REALLY
FEEL LIKE... VETO!

YOU CAN'T VETO ME.

YES, I CAN.

V...

TOE.

CHERYL, IF YOU KEEP
STEPPING IN LIKE THIS,

THE KIDS ARE GONNA
CALL HIM A MAMA'S BOY,

AND IT'S GONNA FOLLOW HIM
THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

ASK ANDY.

BUT...
BUT HIS LITTLE EYE...

MY VETO HAS SPOKEN.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

VEGGIE TACOS.

IS THAT THE TRUTH,
OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT

'CAUSE YOU WANT ME
TO SWITCH MY VETO?

CURSES!

MM-HMM.

OKAY, BUDDY,
YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY

IF ANYBODY ASKS YOU
ABOUT YOUR BLACK EYE?

"YOU SHOULD SEE
THE OTHER GUY."

THAT'S MY BOY.

HI.
GOOD MORNING.

MMM, DURN, GIRL,
IT IS NOW.

EW, THERE ARE ANTS
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHAT KIND OF WEIRD KID
EATS HIS PUDDING IN THE BUSHES?

SHH!

THAT RONNIE HART BETTER
STAY AWAY FROM MY KYLE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
KYLE'S EYE?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN HE GOT THE NEWS THAT
HIS AUNT WAS GONNA PULL THROUGH,

HE GOT ALL WORKED UP
AND JUST RAN INTO A WALL.

YEAH, WE GOT A COUPLE OF THOSE.

OH.

HEY, UH, TEACH, UM...

I'M HAVIN' TROUBLE
WITH THE ALPHABET.

I KEEP TRYING TO PUT
"U" AND "I" TOGETHER.

(Cheryl)
HEY, HEY, JIM'S LEAVING.

AHH! KYLE'S TALKING TO
THAT DEMON SPAWN RONNIE!

IS THAT A BLACK EYE?

YOU SHOULD SEE
THE OTHER GUY.

CAN I LOOK?

HEY, HEY!

HEY, GET YOUR HANDS
OFF MY KID, BUSTER!

GO!

COOL.
WANNA BE BEST FRIENDS?

(Cheryl)
HEY, HEY, HEY!

GET AWAY FROM MY SON,
YOU LITTLE MONSTER!

MOMMY!

LISTEN UP.

ANY ONE OF YOU
TOUCHES MY LITTLE ANGEL,

I'M GONNA GO BOOK OF REVELATIONS
ON ALL OF YA!

EVERYBODY GOT THAT?

CHERYL, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING TO MY SON?

ENDING HIS
REIGN OF TERROR, MARGE.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

OH, SHE'S STONEWALLING YOU,
CHERYL.

OH, OH, IS THAT IT?
YOU STONEWALLING ME, LADY?

YOU STONEWALLING ME?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
AND WHO IS THIS?

I'M KYLE'S AUNT.

OH, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

I'M FINE, THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU?

EXCUSE ME!

WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT
HOW YOUR SON ATTACKED KYLE?

WHAT?
WHAT?

YOUR HUSBAND PICKED KYLE UP
RIGHT AFTER DROP OFF

TO VISIT YOU
IN THE HOSPITAL.

WHAT...

EXCUSE ME.

KYLE, HONEY...

DID DADDY TAKE YOU TO
A BASEBALL GAME YESTERDAY?

IS THAT WHY
YOU GOT THE BLACK EYE?

YOU SHOULD SEE
THE OTHER GUY.

HELLO, MY YOUNG BRIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

I THINK I'LL TAKE KYLE
TO THE CUBS GAME SATURDAY...

WHEN IT'S APPROPRIATE.

OH, THAT'S GOOD, HONEY.

THEN MAYBE ANOTHER FOUL BALL
CAN HIT HIS OTHER EYE.

CURSES!

ANDY?

NO.

KYLE!

NO.

GRACIE? RUBY?

HOW WOULD THEY
EVEN KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KNOW!

I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE KYLE
TO THAT GAME.

AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY!

I MADE A COMPLETE FOOL
OUT OF MYSELF

IN FRONT OF RONNIE'S MOTHER
AND KYLE'S TEACHER.

I JUST...
I AM BESIDE MYSELF!

ALL RIGHT, CHERYL, LOOK.

I KNOW I DON'T HAVE
A DEFENSE HERE...

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT
THE SCHOOL THIS MORNING?

BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME
KYLE HAD A BULLY PROBLEM.

YEAH, BUT THAT SOMEBODY
ALSO TOLD YOU

THAT THE BULLY PROBLEM
WAS HANDLED.

THERE WAS NO BULLY PROBLEM!

DOESN'T MATTER.

I GAVE YOU A VETO,
AND YOU COMPLETELY IGNORED IT!

I AM BESIDE MYSELF.

OH...

I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU
NOT TO TALK TO

THE BULLY'S MOM
OR THE TEACHER.

YOU SPECIFICALLY
MADE THE WHOLE THING UP!

DOESN'T MATTER!

IF I MADE UP SOMEBODY
AND YOU KILLED HIM,

IT WOULD STILL BE MURDER!

AND THAT'S NOT ME, CHERYL.
THAT'S THE LAW TALKING.

YEAH, WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
THE BEER TALKING.

OH, WHAT,
I CAN'T UNWIND

WITH A QUICK ONE
AFTER WORK ANYMORE?

YOU LET OUR SON
SKIP HIS FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

YOU ARE GONNA MAKE OUR SON
INTO A MAMA'S BOY.

NO, I AM NOT.

IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE TEACHING
HIM TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE.

COME ON,
HE WENT TO ONE GAME.

OH, I JUST... I CAN'T EVEN
TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.

I'M LEAVING.

CHALLENGE!

GROUNDS?

YOU STORMED OUT OF THE ROOM
LAST TIME.

IT'S MY TURN.

CHALLENGE UPHELD.

(groans)

COULDN'T SLEEP, HUH?

NO.

YOU WANT A SNACK?

NO.

YOU WANT TO
MAKE ME A SNACK?

(gasps)

KYLE?

HEY, DAD.

WANT SOME EGGS?

BUT YOU'RE A FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.

ARE THOSE EGGS REAL?

10 BUCKS SAYS
YOU'LL EAT 'EM EITHER WAY.

YOU WIN AGAIN, IMAGINATION.

WOW, THESE REALLY LOOK GOOD.

OH, MY GOD.
YOUR MOM WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE A FRY COOK.

NO, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE
MY DEAR OLD DAD SOME EGGS

FOR GETTING ME FRONT ROW SEATS
TO MY FIRST CUBS GAME.

I KNEW IT!

BASEBALL'S THE GREATEST.
I'M PRETTY GOOD AT IT, TOO.

REALLY?
ARE YOU IN THE BIGS?

HEY, ARE YOU GONNA BUY ME
A NEW HOUSE?

DO I HAVE A BOAT?

NAH, I GOT CUT FROM
MY HIGH SCHOOL TEAM

FOR SKIPPING PRACTICE.

WELL, KYLE, WHAT DID YOU
SKIP PRACTICE FOR?

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD
GET AWAY WITH IT.

YOU KNOW,
I'M GOOD AT BASEBALL,

BUT I'M EVEN BETTER AT SCHEMES.

PROBABLY GET THAT
FROM ME, HUH?

MMM...

(Woman) BUT THE ONLY HOPE
FOR OUR LOVE NOW IS...

PORTUGAL.

(sobs)

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

KYLE?

YEAH, IT'S ME.

YOU KNOW,
I DID A TERM IN PORTUGAL

STUDYING FOR MY PhD.

(gasps)

THAT'S 'CAUSE EDUCATION
WAS MY TERRITORY.

AND NOW YOU HAVE A PhD.

OH, NO, I DON'T.

I WROTE MY THESIS,

BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE
TO DEFEND IT FOR ME.

THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE
STOPPED YOU.

THAT'S WHAT
MY ADVISOR SAID.

(explosion)

WHOA!
OH!

SCARY PART!
SCARY PART!

WOW.

IS IT OVER?

I REALLY SCREWED YOU UP,
DIDN'T I?

I REALLY SCREWED YOU UP,
DIDN'T I?

NO.

YOU'RE REALLY FUN.

AND YOU TAUGHT ME
ABOUT BEING A GUY.

WELL, THANK YOU.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
LET'S FACE IT.

IF ALL I HAD WAS YOU,
I'D BE A COMPLETE DISASTER.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WELL, SEE, MOST OF THE TIME YOU
TEACH ME ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY.

AND YOU GIVE ME COMFORT
AND SECURITY TO TRY NEW THINGS.

THANK YOU.

BUT YOU GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO LET GO SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK YOU
AND DAD SHOULD WORK TOGETHER.

YOU BALANCE EACH OTHER,

LIKE THE CHINESE PRINCIPLE
OF YIN AND YANG.

RIGHT.
YEAH.

YOU'RE LIKE
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

WAIT A MINUTE.
ONE MORE TIME?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO IN
THE LIVING ROOM AND TALK TO MOM?

I'M NOT GONNA
DO THAT, KYLE.

OH, COME ON, DAD.

FOR ME.

YOU GONNA GET THESE?

OH, SOMEONE WILL.

THAT'S MY BOY.

OH.

HEY.

HEY.

UH, CHERYL,
WE NEED TO TALK.

I KNOW. WE DO.
I WAS WRONG.

OH.

WELL...

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

PLEASE, COME ON.

LET'S JUST GO TO BED.

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

UH, MAYBE I MIGHT'VE...

BEEN A LITTLE
LESS THAN RIGHT, TOO.

AWW, THANK YOU.

AWW.

YOU KNOW, KYLE TOLD ME
YOU GAVE HIM A BEER.

I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
UH-HUH.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GIVE 'EM A SIP NOW,
THEY HATE IT.

WHEN THEY GROW UP,
THEY DON'T WANT ANY.

THAT'S WHAT MY DAD
DID FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT, WORKING TOGETHER
IS PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.

YEAH.