According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Tale of the Tape: Part 1 - full transcript

HOW MUCH LONGER, DADDY?

SOON, BABY, SOON.

REMEMBER THE RULES?

NO PUSHING OR RUNNING.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND?

DADDY GETS TO GO IN FIRST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

CANNONBALL!

HOW MUCH LONGER, DADDY?

SOON.

COME ON!



STOP COMPLAINING, BOTH OF YOU.
COME ON NOW. COME ON, STOP IT.

♪♪♪

HONEY, THAT WAS SO GOOD.

OH!

YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE
A GREAT MEAL

WHEN CHERYL BREAKS OUT
THE BACKUP FORK.

IT'S CALLED
A SALAD FORK, DADDY.

ARE YOU SURE?

'CAUSE I USED BOTH FORKS,
AND I DIDN'T EAT ANY SALAD.

OH...

YEAH, YOU ALSO USED

YOUR MEAT HAND
AND YOUR POTATO HAND.

OKAY. KIDS, YOU WANT TO HELP ME
AND AUNT DANA CLEAR THE TABLE?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP
WITH THE DISHES?



UH...

NO, RYAN, BUT THANK YOU.

WOW.

YOU ARE SO THOUGHTFUL.

I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU GET
THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CAKE.

THAT'S WHY I MARRIED YOU.

CAN WE SPEAK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?

IN THE LIVING ROOM?

(stammering) WHAT DID...
HEY, WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

THE FIRST RULE
AS A MALE GUEST IN MY HOUSE

IS NEVER, EVER OFFER
TO DO THE DISHES!

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE POLITE.

OH! "POLITE"?
(chuckles)

WOW, JIM, WE'VE BEEN DINING
WITH SIR WALTER RALEIGH.

(groans)

SORRY, YOU KNOW,

AT HOME, I LIKE TO HELP OUT
WITH THE DISHES.

THAT WAY I GET TO SPEND
A LITTLE MORE TIME WITH DANA.

(Jim and Andy groan)

OKAY, LET'S DO A CHECK.

YEAH, I GOT MINE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, ANDY?

BONNIE AND CLYDE PRESENT
AND ACCOUNTED FOR.

OKAY, LOOK, IT DOESN'T
MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A MAN

TO LET DANA KNOW
THAT I LOVE HER, ALL RIGHT?

IN FACT, CHECK THIS OUT.

HUH?

OHH.

(laughs) I GOT IT. ALL RIGHT.

DISHES AND JEWELRY?

MM-HMM. SOMEONE'S IN
THE DOGHOUSE. MM-HMM.

WHAT DID YOU DO,
RUN YOUR CAR INTO A TREE

WHILE YOU WERE WATCHING
A FEMALE JOGGER?

YOU DO REMEMBER THAT
I'M A GYNECOLOGIST, RIGHT?

LOOK, I'M JUST BEING ROMANTIC.

I BOUGHT HER A PRESENT
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.

ANNIVERSARY?
YOU JUST GOT MARRIED IN MAY.

YOU KNOW HOW I REMEMBER THAT?
'CAUSE IT RHYMES WITH "GAY."

AND THAT'S HOW YOU LOOKED
IN YOUR TUX,

SO IT STUCK IN OUR HEADS.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY

OF OUR FIRST DATE,
SO I GOT HER THE LOCKET.

FIRST DATE? COME ON, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA CELEBRATE NEXT...

YOUR FIRST FIGHT? THE FIRST TIME
YOU SAID I LOVE YOU?

THE TIME YOU RAN INTO A TREE

BECAUSE YOU WERE LOOKING
AT A FEMALE JOGGER?

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I'M IN MY HYBRID,

THEY DON'T EVEN HEAR ME
COMING UP BEHIND 'EM.

LOOK, GIVE ME THAT.

LOOK, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? THE
BIG DEAL IS A BIG DEAL. IT'S A BIG DEAL!

YEAH, IT'S A BIG DEAL BECAUSE
YOU'RE MAKING MY MAN LOOK BAD.

ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, HERE, HERE.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
YOU'RE THE GUY

AT THE STRIP CLUB
WITH NOTHING BUT 20s,

WHEN WE'RE SITTIN' AROUND,
ALL WE GOT ARE SINGLES.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A GYNECOLOGIST IS?

I CAN'T WORK
WITH THIS ONE, JIM.

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, MARRIAGE IS
LIKE A MARATHON, OKAY?

IF YOU START OUT OF THE GATE
REALLY FAST LIKE THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA DIE
BY MILE 10.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I KNOW
HOW TO TREAT MY WIFE.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT
YOU AND YOUR WIFE.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND ME.

YOU GIVE HER THAT LOCKET,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I GET FROM CHERYL?

WHAT?

THE LOOK.

ANDY, SHOW HIM
WHAT THE LOOK IS.

YOU SEE THAT?

DOESN'T THAT
BREAK YOUR HEART?

YES.

NOW I GOTTA GET HIM
A LOCKET.

TOO LATE.
SEE?

LOOK, JIM, I'M GONNA
GIVE DANA THIS LOCKET,

AND SHE'S GONNA LOVE IT
ALMOST AS MUCH

AS SHE'S GONNA LOVE
THE CHAMPAGNE AND YELLOW ROSES

I'VE GOT WAITING FOR
HER AT THE HOUSE. WHAT?!

CHAMPAGNE AND ROSES?!
FOR WHAT?

YEAH, 118 OF 'EM.

THAT WAS THE DINNER TAB
ON OUR FIRST DATE.

GOD!

WELL, WHAT WERE YOU EATING...
GOLD?

SOMETHING SWEET
FOR MY SWEETIE!

AND CAKE FOR JIM AND ANDY.

YOU KNOW, DANA...

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU, TOO. REALLY?

I THINK, ANDY,
WE ARE ON THE BRINK

OF AN ALL-OUT
ROMANTIC NUCLEAR WAR.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
OF OUR FIRST DATE.

OH, RYAN, THAT IS SO SWEET!

WE HAVE A CONFIRMED
LAUNCH, SIR. YES.

OH, JIM!

DID YOU SEE THIS LOCKET
THAT RYAN GAVE DANA?

IT'S ADORABLE.

COME ON,
I WANT TO GO TRY IT ON.

OKAY.
YOU ARE THE BEST.

YOU SEE HER WITH THE LOCKET?
DID YOU SEE THAT FACE? I SAW IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
SHE'S GONNA DO WHEN SHE HEARS

ABOUT THE CHAMPAGNE
AND THE ROSES?

UNLESS...

UNLESS DANA NEVER GETS
THE CHAMPAGNE AND FLOWERS.

I SEE I'VE BEEN A VERY GOOD
INFLUENCE ON YOU, ASSHOPPER.

OKAY, COME ON.

YOU GOT ALL THE FLOWERS?

EVERY LAST ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

OOH.

HELLO! HEADS UP!

AAH!
AAH!

OW! OW!

OH, ARE THE COOKIES DONE?

THEY'RE OATMEAL. TRY ONE.
OKAY.

WE ADDED A SECRET INGREDIENT.
GUESS WHAT IT IS.

OH!

IS IT PART OF THE LAWN?

NO. IT'S GOAT CHEESE.

WE CALL THEM
GOATMEAL COOKIES.

MMM. ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO MORE COOKING
WITHOUT MOMMY.

WHY, BECAUSE IT'S DANGEROUS?

YEAH, THAT, TOO.

GO, GO, GO.

OH!
MMM.

COOKIES, HUH? SWEET.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE SHOULD TAKE THESE OUT
TO THE GUYS IN THE BAND.

NO, JIM. THEY'RE AWFUL.

HONEY, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS,
AND THEY DESERVE COOKIES, TOO.

FINE.

OHH! OH, MY GOD,
THIS IS TERRIBLE.

STILL A COOKIE.

HEY, JIM,

YOU STOLE MY FLOWERS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PROOF?

YOU SMELL LIKE ROSES.

IT'S MY NEW LOTION.

YOU MADE ME LOOK
LIKE AN IDIOT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I PROMISED DANA A ROOM FULL
OF CHAMPAGNE AND ROSES.

AND LUCKY FOR YOU,
SHE THOUGHT I WAS PLAYING,

LIKE, THIS SEXY
MAKE-BELIEVE THING,

SO SHE PUTS ON
THIS INVISIBLE LINGERIE THING.

SO THEN WHEN I CAME IN,
SHE WAS...

OH, YES, PLEASE.

MORE DETAIL ABOUT THE TWISTED
CRAP MY SISTER'S INTO.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT...

YOU BROUGHT IT ALL
ON YOURSELF.

DID YOU JUST THROW DOWN
A GAUNTLET?

GAUNTLET THROWN.

OKAY, MR. GAY WEDDING TUX,

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

OH, YEAH. LIKE I'D BE
STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL YOU.

MUST NOT BE VERY GOOD.

WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I HAVE THE FIRST SPOON THAT DANA
USED TO EAT CEREAL AT MY PLACE.

AND I HAD THE DATE
ENGRAVED ON THE HANDLE.

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,

P. DIDDY WORE THE EXACT
SAME TUX AT THE IMAGE AWARDS.

SO HA HA HA HA HA,
HA HA HA... BAM!

GENTLEMEN.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, DUDE, OFF MY STOOL.
ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LATE.

HEY, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

MY NEW BROTHER-IN-LAW
IS MAKING ME LOOK BAD.

THE YOUNG, HANDSOME DOCTOR?
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

HE'S SHOWERING DANA

WITH PRESENTS
AND JEWELRY AND JUNK.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE UGLY CHICKS.
THEY'RE JUST HAPPY YOU'RE THERE.

WELL, I HAVE A ROMANTIC
ACE IN THE HOLE RIGHT HERE.

A ROMANTIC CASSETTE?

WHAT IS THAT,
SOUNDTRACK TO "FOOTLOOSE"?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
JIM, IS THAT THE TAPE?

THE MIX TAPE THAT CHERYL
MADE FOR ME ON OUR THIRD DATE...

"BLUES FOR MY BABY."

OH, ETTA JAMES? JOHN LEE HOOKER?
KOKO TAYLOR?

UH-HUH.
THIS IS AWESOME.

YEAH. WHEN SHE MADE THIS FOR ME,
I KNEW TWO THINGS...

ONE, THAT SHE WAS VERY COOL,

AND TWO, THAT SHE WAS
REALLY INTO ME.

AND OVER THE YEARS,

THIS TAPE BECAME THE SOUNDTRACK
FOR OUR FAIRY-TALE LIVES.

(music playing)

YEP.

THAT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

SO I'M GONNA POP THIS BABY
INTO THE CASSETTE TONIGHT,

AND I'M GONNA SHOW RYAN
WHAT TRUE ROMANCE IS.

I THOUGHT THAT TAPE BURNED UP
IN THE FIRE YOU SET

AS AN ALIBI WHEN YOU
FORGOT CHERYL'S BIRTHDAY.

SO DOES CHERYL.

BUT I HID IT,

KNOWING ONE DAY I COULD
USE THIS TO MAYBE SAVE MY LIFE.

I KEEP A BOTTLE OF GIN
IN THE TANK OF MY TOILET.

SAME REASON.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S GO.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

(playing blues rock)

(groans)

(gasps)

OH, MY GOD.

OH, I'M SORRY, CHERYL.

YOU CAUGHT ME IN THE MIDDLE

OF READING ONE OF
MY FAVORITE YEATS POEMS.

LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

MY DEAR?

OH, I ALMOST
FORGOT SOMETHING.

WHO YOU ARE?

NO.

I HAVE A SURPRISE
IN MY POCKET.

OH, JIM, I HATE THAT GAME.

NO, NO.

HERE. REMEMBER THIS?

OH, MY GOD! JIM, IS THAT
OUR MIX TAPE? YEAH.

I THOUGHT THIS GOT DESTROYED

IN THAT FREAK LIGHTNING STRIKE
ON MY BIRTHDAY.

SO DID I.

HONEY!
OH, THIS IS AMAZING!

OH!

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

YES.

COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT.

OH! OH, HONEY, THAT'S JUST CD.
WE DON'T HAVE A TAPE DECK.

WE HAVE A TAPE DECK
ANYWHERE IN THE HOUSE?

NO. KYLE RUINED THE LAST ONE

TRYING TO LISTEN
TO A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

OH, DAMN.
I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR THIS.

OHH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY...

OUR LOVE HAS
OUTLASTED TECHNOLOGY.

MMM. WELL, I HOPE PROGRESS
HASN'T CHANGED

THE WAY YOU SAY THANK YOU.

MMM.

I'LL BE BACK IN ONE MINUTE.

YES!

YES!

'TIS I...
CUPID, THE GOD OF LOVE.

OKAY. OKAY.

ANDY!

ANDY, COME ON, COME ON.

ZIP IT. THE TAPE WORKED.
IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH.

COME ON, I'LL USE YOU
ANOTHER TIME.

YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME
I PUT THIS ON.

COME ON!
GO ON! GO ON!

HI!

HI.

WOW. BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS.

I KNOW!
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

NO OCCASION.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
SO UNBELIEVABLY SWEET.

LAST NIGHT, JIM SURPRISED ME
WITH A WHOLE ROMANTIC EVENING...

FLOWERS, CHAMPAGNE...

AND NOT THE KIND HE GETS FREE
WITH AN OIL CHANGE.

OH.

FLOWERS AND CHAMPAGNE?
THAT'S INTERESTING.

(gasps) AND HE GAVE ME
THE MIX TAPE

WE USED TO LISTEN TO WHEN
WE WERE FALLING IN LOVE. UH-HUH.

I WAS SO TOUCHED... YEAH,
YEAH. BACK TO THE ROSES.

BALLPARK FIGURE...
HOW MANY WERE THERE?

OH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S NOT LIKE I COUNTED.

CHERYL.
118.

INTERESTING.

I KNOW!
AND IT'S SO UNLIKE JIM.

I KNOW.
IT'S A LOT MORE LIKE RYAN.

I KNOW!
YEAH.

OKAY. HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW.

THE OTHER NIGHT, RYAN TOLD ME
THAT HE FILLED OUR HOUSE

WITH 118 YELLOW ROSES
AND CHAMPAGNE.

BUT WHEN WE GOT HOME,
THERE WAS NOTHING THERE.

INTERESTING.

I KNOW.

(gasps)

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT JIM
STOLE RYAN'S IDEA?

JIM STOLE THE ROSES!
I KNOW!

HEY, CHERYL,
CAN YOU SMELL THIS SHIRT?

I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S CLEAN.
MY NOSE IS REALLY STUFFY.

YOU ARE A LIAR.

NO, SERIOUSLY,
LOOK IN THERE.

IT LOOKS LIKE
A COLLAPSED MINE SHAFT.

NO!
WHY? LOOK, LOOK!

JIM, YOU STOLE THOSE FLOWERS!

DO YOU HAVE PROOF?

I DON'T NEED PROOF.

OH. 'CAUSE THAT WAS MY OUT.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF.

JIM...
WHAT?

I WAS JUST IN THERE SINGING
YOUR PRAISES TO DANA

ABOUT OUR ROMANTIC EVENING,
AND NOW I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!

COME ON, YOU DON'T
LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

HEY! EXPLAIN TO ME WHY
YOU STOLE FROM RYAN AND DANA.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN
IT TO YOU, HONEY.

YOU'VE NEVER
GOTTEN THE LOOK.

THE LOOK?
THE LOOK.

THE "SOME OTHER HUSBAND IS DOING
A BETTER JOB THAN YOU" LOOK.

LIKE THIS.

I LOOK LIKE
ROBERT DE NIRO?

NO!

ANDY DOES IT MUCH BETTER.

REALLY, IT'S TERRIBLE.
YOU DO THIS LOOK.

YOU MAY NOT THINK
YOU DO THIS LOOK,

BUT YOU DO THIS LOOK,
AND I CAN'T STAND IT.

IT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE.

THEN WITH RYAN GOING OVER
THE TOP WITH HIS ROMANCE CRAP,

I'M GONNA GET THE LOOK
ALL THE TIME.

RYAN IS SETTING THE ROMANTIC BAR
TOO HIGH FOR ME.

OH.

WHAT?

WHAT? COME ON!

WHAT'S THE "OH"? I HATE THE "OH"
AS MUCH AS I HATE THE LOOK!

LAST NIGHT WASN'T ABOUT ME.
IT WAS ABOUT YOU.

NO, IT WASN'T.
YES, IT WAS.

CHERYL, I WAS READING POETRY
THAT DIDN'T RHYME.

IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.

IT WAS. IT WAS TO MAKE
YOU LOOK ROMANTIC.

IT WASN'T FROM YOUR HEART.

IT WASN'T TO MAKE ME
FEEL SPECIAL.

IT WAS ALL SO YOU COULD
EVEN THE SCORE WITH RYAN!

OH.

YEAH, "OH."

HERE'S A NEW LOOK.

THIS IS A LOOK THAT SAYS
I WILL NEVER EXPECT

ANYTHING SINCERE OR ROMANTIC
FROM YOU EVER AGAIN.

DAMN.

I STILL DON'T KNOW
IF THIS SHIRT IS CLEAN.

WANT TO KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN?

I DON'T KNOW,
STEALING RYAN'S CAR?

I HAVEN'T STOLEN A CAR IN 30...
I DON'T STEAL CARS!

(music playing)

IS THIS OUR MIX TAPE?

MM-HMM. I HAD IT MADE
INTO A CD.

AND I DIDN'T DO IT FOR RYAN
OR ME OR ANYBODY ELSE.

I DID IT FOR YOU.

WE'VE HAD SOME WONDERFUL
MEMORIES TO THIS TAPE.

WE HAVE.
YEAH.

WE HAVE.

WANT TO CREATE ANOTHER ONE?

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

DANCES WITH THE LUCKIEST MAN
ON THE PLANET?

OHH.

I'M JUST GONNA BUY THIS OUTFIT.
THE RENTAL'S KILLING ME.

IT SOUNDS SO GREAT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY PUT IT
ON THE CD,

THEY JUST BOOSTED
ALL THE LEVELS.

IT SOUNDS REALLY CLEAR.

DIP?

(gasps) OH.

OOH, I THINK I JUST GOT
A LITTLE BOOST MYSELF.

(laughs)

OH, BREAK IT UP, YOU TWO.
PEOPLE EAT IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT,
MY YOUNG WIFE...

I'LL LEAVE YOU TO BRAG
TO YOUR SISTER

HOW ROMANTIC
YOUR HUSBAND IS.

I'LL SEE YOU UPSTAIRS
WITH THE CD IN BED.

WINK, WINK, NUDGE, BOING!

GAG ME WITH A SPOON.
OH, LOOK. RYAN GAVE ME ONE.

HE ENGRAVED THE SPOON I USED

TO EAT CEREAL AT HIS HOUSE
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

"DEAR DANA,
YOU'RE GRRRRRREAT!"

UGH.

I MEAN, I GET IT.

JEEZ, RYAN, YOU FREAKIN'
LOVE ME, BUT ENOUGH!

YOU KNOW, HONEY, THIS STUFF
MAY SEEM SILLY NOW,

BUT IN 15 YEARS,
IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT MEMORY.

LIKE THIS MIX TAPE YOU CAN HEAR?
THAT'S THE ONE I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

JIM HAD IT PUT ON CD FOR ME.

THAT IS KIND OF SWEET.
I KNOW.

IT SOUNDS SO CLEAR.

HEY, TURN IT UP.

(Man) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT WAS THAT?

(Man) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

IS THAT JIM?

HE SOUNDS SO YOUNG
AND SOMEHOW CUTER.

NO, THAT'S NOT JIM.
THAT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD.

WHY IS CHAD ON A MIX TAPE
YOU MADE FOR JIM?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE IT
FOR JIM.

CHAD MADE IT FOR ME.

CAN I TELL JIM?

OH, PLEASE?
PLEASE?