According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 27 - Wedding Bell Blues - full transcript

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No, no, no, no, no, no!

No carnations, no baby's breath!

This is my sister's wedding,
not a hoedown.

Now, go, fix!

(COMPLAINS IN
FOREIGN DIALOGUE)

Hey, hey, hey! You're
a guest in this country!

Oh, great.
Champagne, red, white.

Champagne, red, white.
Perfect.

Go, bar, mix!
Go, go, go, go!

Where's the cake?
Where's the cake?

Cake! Where's the frickin' cake?



Oh, thank God.

What's this?

Dana's wedding cake.
Bye.

Stop!

"Ron and John forever"?

Andy, what happened
to the cake I ordered?

Okay, Cheryl, here's the thing.

Jim and I were on our way
to the bakery

when we saw a giant, inflatable
gorilla on the roof of TV World.

Tell me you didn't go in.

Cheryl, a giant gorilla
with arms that went like this.

The cake!

It's right here.
Andy?

All right. All the other
bakeries were closed



except for this
all-night joint in Boystown.

Turns out, John and
Ron weren't really forever.

It's okay.
It's okay.

I can fix this.

Back off!

Move!

Look, Mommy! Daddy
bought us ice cream!

(GASPS)

Oh, no!

Look at your wedding clothes.

Oh, you're a mess.

Well, we're just gonna have
to get you cleaned up.

There we go.

Oh, whoops.

Okay, now, your daddy
is a very good man.

For the rest of the wedding,

I need you to pretend
he's a stranger,

and if you see him, run.

Hey, kids!

(SCREAMING)

What was that?

(GASPS)

Oh, honey,
you look so beautiful!

It's just like my own wedding.

Except I'm marrying
somebody good.

Trust me.

If he's marrying you, there's
something wrong with him.

Oh.

You ready?

Yes. Okay.
(SIGHS)

Hey, check it out,
a ship in a bottle.

(GASPS)
(GASPS)

Jim!

You've ruined my wedding!
I'm gonna kill you!

Don't worry, I'm prepared
for every situation.

We'll kill him later.

(MACHINE SEWING)

There you go.

Perfect, just like I promised.

Now, breathe.

(INHALES)

Okay.

That's weird.

Somebody left an
open bottle of black ink.

Check it out.

BOTH: Back off!

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

in the sight of God
and this company...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go to the "I dos."

Come on, cut to it. Let's go.

Jim!
What are you doing?

Trying to save us 400 bucks,

but we gotta be
out of here by 2:00.

It's 2:00 now.

Uh-oh.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Another nightmare
about the wedding?

All my fault?

Oh, yeah.

Good night.
Good night.

JIM: Oh, baby!

What do you mean you only have
three-quarter length tablecloth?

I specifically asked
for full-length tablecloth.

That's it!
My weddings ruined!

We should cancel
the videographer.

Really?
No!

You don't want to spend
the rest of your life

looking at that train wreck.

Mom, I am on it.

Yeah.
Corey, is it?

Listen. This is my
sister's wedding day,

and it's gonna be perfect,

so there will be
full-length tablecloths

if I have to pull them
out of your manager's butt!

There's that can-do spirit.

Oh, wedding not ruined!
Crisis averted!

Oh, you know, the focus
on the little details,

that's where you women go wrong.

'Cause at the end of the day, all that matters
is that the bride and groom get married.

Jim!
Women live for weddings.

It's our World Series,
our Super Bowl.

Yeah, I mean, if men planned
them, they'd all be barbecues,

and the bride would roller-skate
down the aisle in Daisy Dukes.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Talk to me.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.
That's too late.

That's it!
The wedding's ruined!

All right, fine. You know
what? I'll pick it up myself.

We are not using you
for her next wedding.

You bet we're not!

Hey.

A little snafu.

We have to pick up the wedding
cake on the way to the hotel.

No, no. We have to pick up the reverend
from the airport on the way to the hotel.

We're double-booked!

The dream is dead!
The dream is dead!

Well, maybe Jim can pick up
the reverend.

BOTH: No!

Why not?

Oh, honey, look at you.

One gray sock, one blue sock.

And that's you trying.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I was in a hurry
to go out and make a living.

Honey, I can't trust you
with something this important.

Oh, right, I'm only a man.

Therefore, I'm simple.

It was only a simple man who
came up

with the big bridges and
the skyscrapers of the world.

Oh, honey. No,
honey, you're right.

All we simpletons did was put
a robot on the surface of Mars.

And we defeated a little
scourge called communism.

Hey, if I'm not mistaken,

I think it was a man who picked
up a pen and started writing when

God first spoke.

So when a woman says
to me that I can't be trusted

to pick someone up
at the airport,

I think she's probably right.

Good, we're agreed.

Hey. Oh, Andy, good.
Let me see your socks.

Matching, excellent. I need you to
pick up Reverend Hill at the airport.

Abso-tutely!

You're gonna let him go?

That's right.

He may be an idiot, but he knows if
he screws this up, he's a dead man.

Straight to the airport,
then straight to the hotel.

(CHUCKLING)
You two don't scare me.

Andrew!

Holy sh...
She's here!

Mom!

Great!

Yeah, okay,
I'll go to the airport.

Jim, want to come?
No!

He's gonna stay here
and complete his task

which is to find matching socks.

Kids, let's go!

Okay, well, we'll see you boys
at the wedding.

All right, Mom.

Oh, Andy, remember...

There's gonna be lots
of single girls there.

Now, don't waste your time
going for the gold.

Focus in on the bronze.

Or anything that's fertile.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

All right, I guess I better leave
if I'm gonna get everything done,

then get to the wedding before all the
bottom-feeders have been picked over.

Hold on, hold on.
I'll go with you.

The airport's right next
to the jobsite,

and although I was bragging
about how great men are,

I forgot my tux and shoes
in the trailer.

Yeah, I don't think so,
Jim. You heard Cheryl.

For just today, the Andy man would
like to live his vida without the loca.

What is with you sweating all
the details just like a woman?

(LAUGHS)
Not gonna work, Jim.

You are a woman.
You wear women's underwear!

My tux pants are snug.
I don't want a panty line!

Fine, get in the car.
Not a word on the way.

Nothing left to say.

This will be
the finest bank in town.

Notice, Reverend, the intricate
stonework here in the archway.

We found actual descendents
of the Maya to do the masonry.

Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

They were master stonemasons
until they were all but wiped out by...

You know, guys like you.

All right, I got the tux. We
got the shoes. We got the rev.

Let's go.

Before we go, I've got
to use the bathroom.

Oh, oh, oh, Father,
I wouldn't use that one.

You know, it gets
a little ripe on a warm day.

We have a wedding to go to.

He can use my juice bottle
in the car.

It'll take just a second.

Well, why don't you use the
nice bathroom in the building?

Wait, wait, wait.
Please.

You're my responsibility.
Please, wear a hard hat.

I'll be fine.
I brought my own protection.

All right. Hey, Willie,
how you doing?

Terrible.
Right over there.

In my country, I was a doctor.

Oh!

Willie, wait!
Watch out!

Watch out, Willie.
That way.

Father, are you all right?

Yes.
Yes, I'm fine.

You said something
about a hard hat?

I got one here in the back
of Andy's car.

Sorry about that.
Whew.

That was close. Cheryl would
have had my boys in a blender, huh?

(THUMP)

That was the sound of a holy
man's head hitting metal, wasn't it?

We're gonna need
a doctor. Willie!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Father.

It appears to be
a minor concussion,

but we should take him to
the hospital for observation.

I concur.

You know,

you might want to load up the old
meat wagon with extra B-positive.

There's a good chance you'll be pulling
a cake knife out of my neck later today.

Well, I'm off after this run,
so it'll probably be Randall.

What are you, nuts? That's
great. That's just great.

Just settle down.

Oh, settle down?
Settle down.

Jim, we have a bride,
we have a groom,

we have their entire families,
and no minister.

Tell me, Jim, is this
one of the little details

I shouldn't be sweating,
'cause I'm sweatin', baby!

How many times have I told you not
to call me "baby" In front of the men?

I kind of overhead your
conversation 'cause you were yelling.

Yes, Kenny?

You need a reverend, baby?

See... See what you just did?
He called me "baby."

He called me "baby"!

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, you know
how to get a reverend?

No, but my uncle's a
reverend, so he might know.

Oh, I know.
I'll just get my uncle.

Yes.

That would be good, Kenny.
That would be good.

Can you get him to the Drake
Hotel in, like, 45 minutes?

Yeah, sure.

If I'm early, should I just drive
around until it's 45 minutes?

Sure. Sure.

And the 45 minutes it takes
you to get your uncle to the hotel,

you can make up for on Sunday.

Great, thanks.
Yeah, you're welcome.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

He's not here.
He's not here.

He's not going to show.

That Kenny.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna
take his health insurance away from him.

He doesn't have
health insurance.

Well, I'm gonna give him health
insurance, then I'm going to take it away.

Would either of you
be Jim or Andy?

You must be Kenny's uncle.

Thank God.
I'm the Reverend Steven.

Kenny speaks so highly of you.

One day, he told me...
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

He's like a son to us.
Let's go, come on.

Ahem.

Whoa! Lookie, lookie, lookie.

Doesn't she make
a beautiful bride?

Oh, yeah.

She's almost everything I
could hope for in a daughter.

Ryan's a very lucky man.

Thank you, guys.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Damn, here come the tears.

Now I'm going to have
to redo my makeup.

You wear women's panties
and makeup?

There's going to be a lot of
pictures. I don't want to look splotchy.

Oh, it's my fault.

When I let him dance around in
my clothes, he just looked so cute.

Jim? Jim?

Who's that at the altar?
That's not Reverend Hill.

Oh, oh, oh.
Easy, easy.

I forgot to tell you
something very important.

Reverend Hill's wife
called earlier

and said he was very sick,
and he's not gonna make it.

He's sick? Yes, he's got
a very, very high fever,

so if he calls
in the next couple days,

probably what he is going
to say won't make any sense.

Well, then, who is that?

That's Reverend Steven.

Replacement found,
problem solved.

You're welcome, wedding saved.

You guys, I don't know
if this is such a good idea.

Maybe this is a bad omen.

No, no, no.
Dana, honey...

Now, this wedding is listed
in my condo newsletter,

and I want to score
time in the Jacuzzi,

so please get out there.

I'm just saying
maybe we should wait

until Reverend Hill
is well enough to marry us.

Jim...

What's the difference?

They're both selling
the same thing.

Look, all that matters is at the
end of the day, you're married.

You know what, honey?
Honey, he's right.

And he must really be right
'cause I hardly ever say it.

That's true.

You got a beautiful
banquet room.

You got a reverend.

You got an open bar?

Oh, God, yes.
Open bar!

It's a great day for a
wedding. Come on, baby.

Okay!
All right!

Let's do it!

Okay!

Oh, honey.
Oh, thank you.

You know, problems
arise, I fix them.

I mean, that's what men do.

Oh, honey, that's great.

Now, zip up and let's go.

(ZIPPER CLOSING)

Hello, I'm Andy.

Haven't I seen you some
place before? You look familiar.

Maybe, in my dreams?

Family portrait.
I'm your cousin.

First or second?

Second.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Reverend, thank you so much

for squeezing us in
on such short notice.

You saved our butts.

Well, you know,
you're very lucky.

A few months ago, you
couldn't have got me.

And I have more time
since I broke with the church.

But they took you back, right?

Hell, no! I told 'em,
"Kiss my ass!"

Then I started my own religion.

Own religion, you say?

Oh, it was a glorious day.

I was meditating naked
in the woods, and then

an angel appeared before me
disguised as a bear.

Okeydoke.

And the bear spoke to me.

Through a series of snorts
and growls, our souls connected.

And then he batted
me about like a toy,

and when I came to,
he revealed me the true path.

Yeah...

Is the state of Illinois
cool with this?

No. No, they laughed at me.

The bear said they would.

So, if you married a couple,

legally, they would
not be married?

That's totally up to the bear.
I'm only a vessel.

So I guess this is it, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

Hello, who are you?

I'm the groom.
Who are you?

Who am I,

or who was I?

Wow, that's a deep thought.

You know what? I'm
going to go write that down.

When you say, "Who am I?"

Do not talk to the reverend
while I'm gone, okay?

It's really bad luck.

I did it, and my marriage
only lasted a day.

Andy, Andy...

Aren't you going
to walk me to my seat?

Front row, left,
right side. Go!

Andy, what are you doing
out here?

I need to talk to Jim
just for a second.

No, no, no, no, no!

We're about to
start! Wait, wait, wait!

Dana, you got
a hair out of place.

Oh, my God! Cheryl,
hair spray, hair spray!

What? What? What?

We got big problems
with this reverend.

He talks to bears.

He knows the Bears?
Can he get tickets?

Not those bears.
Real ones, man.

He's out there wandering around
in the woods, having visions, baby.

I mean, this cat is nuts.

So what?

No, he has no license.
The marriage won't be legal.

Andy, sweetie, I really
need you to take your place

up on the altar.

Just a second, doll.
Move!

Got any bright ideas?

Yeah, one...

But I don't want to start
a fire with the kids here.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Jim, pick it up
a little, will you?

What's the hurry?

Come on. It gives us the
chance to talk a little bit.

Jim, this is not talking
time. This is marrying time.

Yeah, that's what
I want to talk to you about.

(MOUTHING) Jim!

You know, you think, uh...

(WHISPERING) Ryan is
really right for you?

Of course I'm sure.
I love him. He's my world.

Come on, we're all chasing
that carrot, Dana.

I've been married
to Cheryl for 14 years.

I've squeezed maybe 20
good minutes out of her, tops.

Come on, Jim.

What the hell's wrong with you?

This is my frickin' wedding day.

I think you should wait till
Reverend Hill gets better.

I think that would be
better for you.

I just want to make sure
that you're sure.

I am sure.

Now, come on. Knock it off.
We're running out of song.

Take her.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman

in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Holy matrimony is
an honorable...

(WHISPERING) So wrong.

So very wrong.

(MOUTHING) Jim!

I can't believe that
we're married!

I know.

Fix your tie!
Don't nag me!

Did you ever stand naked in a stream
and let the little fishes nibble at you?

Every man should know
that kind of clean.

And every fish should know
that kind of crazy.

Here's your cash, Reverend.

Thank you very much.

Now, scram, all right?
Use the back door.

Oh, Reverend Steven.

Oh, I'm so glad I caught you.

It was such a lovely ceremony.

We wanted to invite you
to stay for the reception.

Well, I...

No, he's got to run.
See ya.

Andy, stop it!

Reverend, I insist.

Well, I guess I could if
there's a seat next to a window.

Oh.

You know, I don't think there are
any windows in the banquet room.

Oh, well,
then thank you, but no.

I need a constant view
of the outdoors

in order to receive my visions.

Your visions?

I don't get it.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Why would you?
You're not a bear.

Yeah, Cheryl.

You're not a bear.

Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God!

Cheryl, I feel like
you're a little upset.

Were you ever
going to tell them?

Of course,
I was going to tell them.

When they got back
from their honeymoon.

I thought it would be a good,
little, funny story for their friends.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like, "Hey, remember
that time we thought we were married,

"but we weren't, and I was
so sad, it was such a mess,

"I thought about
killing myself"?

What is funny about that story?

You didn't let me finish.

"...Then we got
married again." (LAUGHS)

They want to conceive
on their honeymoon.

Knowing Dana, they are
probably in the coat room right now.

God, my good coat's in there.

Jim, what have we done?

Ryan's a fertility doctor.
He knows shortcuts.

Okay. They cannot leave
here without being married.

What we need is a reverend,
legal and sane.

What do you want me to do, Cheryl? You
want me to just pull one out of thin air?

No, but I may be able
to pull one out of my ass.

My trusty PDA to the rescue.

I had a friend
from my sci-fi film club,

went on-line and became
an ordained starship chaplain.

Took him like five minutes.

Andy, we've had crazy.
We need legal.

Oh, guys,
it's perfectly legal, no.

He married
a Klingon to a Romulan.

Now, a lot of people
are against mixed marriages,

but I say that's what
the Federation's all about.

Would you shut up?
Okay, you want to go?

'Cause I'm just trying to help.

Okay, okay! Cheryl,
come on! Calm down!

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, take a seat!

Come on, just find that website.

Thank you.
She scares me.

Oh, no, on the computer again.

That is why you never
meet any women.

Kind of the middle
of something here, Mom.

I just met a girl who is a
finalist for Extreme Makeover.

Now, her name is
Denise. Now, go on.

Just go talk to her.

You want her to like you
before she gets pretty

and all puffed-up
with self-esteem.

Come on.

Here.
Stay out of my favorites.

Well, I guess I'm gonna become a
minister of the Church of Eternal Life.

Hey, look at this.

For three extra bucks,
I can become an archbishop.

Oh, great, go for it.

Oh.

What am I gonna tell
Dana and Ryan?

"The bad news is you're
not married, but...

"The good news
is Jim's an archbishop."

You know what, Cheryl?

What if we can get them
married without them knowing?

How are you gonna do that?

Hold on.

I'm getting the germ of an idea.

Doesn't all this
scheming exhaust you?

At the beginning, yes.

Now I'm just chasing the high.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Easy there, Denise.

Your very attractive overbite
is digging into my collarbone.

I can't believe that I'm
married. Can you believe it?

No, actually, I can't.

This better work,
or I swear to God...

You better watch that tone,
Cheryl. I'm a reverend now.

I can send you
to hell like that.

Hey, Andy, can I just speak
to you for a minute?

Hey, Denise, why don't you
waddle over and get us some punch?

(GASPS)

That Extreme Makeover show
really has their work cut out for them.

Listen, come here, I want
you to talk to the band.

Mommy! What, kids?
What, what, what?

I asked a boy to dance
and he hit me.

Oh, sweetie.
That means he likes you.

Boys are weird.

Just wait.

(UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to
Ryan and Dana's wedding.

We'd like to dedicate
this next song

to the lovely bride and groom.

(ALL CHEERING)

♪ Well, Andy, he likes
eating pie in a bathtub

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ And get down and
getting in a back rub

♪ You know me!
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ I do
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ I do, I do

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ "I do"

♪ Well, Tony, he likes
sleeping in on Sunday

♪ You got that right

♪ And calling in sick
on Monday

♪ Yes, brother
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ I do
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ I do

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ "I do"

♪ Hey, Dana, you like
clothes and fancy cars

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ And do you take Ryan to be
your lawful, wedded husband?

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do" ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Say, "I do."

I do.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ And Ryan do you take Dana
to be your lawfully wedded wife

♪ To have and hold,
for richer or poorer

♪ For as long as
you shall live

♪ Say, "I do"
Sure!

♪ Say, "I do" ♪
Sure!

(MUSIC STOPS)
Say, "I do."

I do.

♪ By the power vested in
me by the Church of Eternal life

♪ I now pronounce you both
man and wife

♪ May you live
In eternal bliss

♪ And seal your love
with a kiss

♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"
(EXCLAIMING)

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ Say, "I do"

♪ I do
♪ I do

Yeah, come on, you do!
I know you do!

♪ I do
♪ I do

I love you, baby! I do!

♪ I do, I do, I do ♪

Now go make some babies!

(ALL CHEERING)

(JAZZ MUSIC RESUMES)

Can I have this dance?

I can't believe
you pulled it off.

It is the end of the day,
and they're indeed married.

I'm a man of God now.

I can work miracles.

While I'm in the marrying
mood, do you take adorable me

to be your husband again?

Cheryl!

I'm thinkin'.

Didn't you read the
fine print in that website?

I'm allowed to have two wives.

Good.
Can the other one clean?

(LAUGHS)