Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Love Guru - full transcript

Compliments of the gentleman.

Sorry, someone beat you to it.

Officially on the dating
sidelines, aren't I?

Mm-hmm. I miss all
the excitement,

The romance.

When will he call me?

When will he kiss me?

When will he move out of
my place and get a job?

Hey, Davis is hitting on
two girls over there.

If you've never been
to a slaughterhouse,

This is the closest you'll get.



Oh, this is not going well.

Billie: Oh, notice

The "don't leave me alone
with him" handhold.

Now they're planning
their exit strategy,

Meaning we are
seconds away from...

Gone.

Well, here it comes,

The well-thought-out excuse
as to why they didn't bite.

They're beach
volleyball players.

Ah.

They really wanted to
have their way with me,

But, uh, they got a
match in the morning.

You gotta respect that, right?

Can I give you a
piece of advice?



When you approach two women,

You're asking one of them
to ditch her friend.

But when it's a group
of three women,

There's always one who's
taken, one who's sober,

And one who's good to go.

Pardon me, can I
buy you a drink?

Oh.

I'm good to go.

Group of three it is

So, do you need any dating tips?

Does it look like I
need any dating tips?

I don't know, we never dated.

We went straight
from, "Hey, baby,"

To "Hey, baby!"

Look, Davis isn't failing yet.

So, you're taken.

You're sober.

Hi, I'm Davis.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Captioning sponsored
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I have some amazing,
unbelievable news

That is going to blow you away.

Oh, my god, are you...?

Yes! I'm Facebook
friends with Olivia!

"You have been invited

To take the 'How well do
you know Abby?' quiz."

Kill me now.

I'm going to send her a
virtual cheeseburger.

Boo-yah! Thanks to your advice,

I got a hot girl's number,
and we're going out.

Wow!

Ooh, feels good to
score a hot chick.

I know, doesn't it?

I spent that summer
in Sweden, remember?

I should Facebook that girl.

I love this. I'm
like your mentor.

- Yeah, I don't know about advising him.
- No, no

This is good, because now
that I can't go out anymore,

I don't want my dating
muscles to atrophy.

I got to stay in shape,
so after the baby's born,

It'll be a smooth transition

From birth to "Hi,
my name is Billie."

Well, I've waded

Through the murky waters
of Davis's love life.

Swimming along, can't see
an inch in front of you,

And then all of a sudden,
some drunk chick with a bat

Is banging on the door
at 3:00 in the morning.

Don't listen to Zack. I'm
putty in your hands, okay?

So, uh, what's the next
move with this girl?

Well, that depends. I mean,

Do we want to have a
relationship with her,

Or are we just looking

To introduce our
genitals to each other?

I've done all this "just
get laid, casual sex,

Never see each other
again" thing,

So what I'm ready for now...

Is more of that.

Okay, so our goal
is to get this girl

Back to your
apartment and score.

Yeah, but this chick is
really out of my league.

I mean, she's the kind
that only sleeps with guys

Who have doors on
their bathrooms.

You know, fancy guys.

Okay, I'll get my rubber gloves,

A garbage bag and some bleach.

I know she's hot,

But do you really think
I have to knock her out

And stuff her in garbage bag to
get her back to my apartment?

'Cause that is pretty dark,

But, I mean, you're the boss.

So...

I was talking about getting
some supplies together

So that you could
clean your apartment.

I know that.

Obviously, I was
kidding just now.

Murky, murky waters.

What?

Davis: Who am I kidding?

The chance of me
getting her back here

In the first place are slim.

This girl is like way
out of my league.

No, no, no, no, no.

We are getting her back here,

And we are going to
have sex with her.

You know, I went out
with this guy, Gary,

And I was way out of his league.

In fact, he is probably
still talking about me.

I was able to look
past his flaws,

Which is something you're
going to need her to do.

And the reason I could do that

Is 'cause told me this
really touching story

About how his mom put
him on the wrong train

When he was eight and he
had to walk 34 blocks

All the way home and how
traumatized he was.

And I just wanted
to go back in time

And give that little boy a hug,

But instead I took
a grown man home

And gave him the best
night of his life.

We feel pretty good about
ourselves, don't we?

The point is, it worked.

And I would put
money on the fact

That you have some
upsetting stories.

I'm going tout on
some extra gloves

And get to work on your bedroom.

You know what, dude? Man,
if her advice works,

We could be comparing
notes tomorrow night.

Yes, I take notes.

Okay, dude, keep it down.

Billie doesn't know I'm
going out with Sasha.

I've heard a guy should never
approach two women in a bar

Because it means asking one
woman to abandon her friend.

- Is that true?
- Yes.

But if you're hot enough,
it doesn't matter.

I thought the two of you

Were cool with
dating other people.

Yeah, but who's
going to date her?

She's got stuff popping
out all over the place.

You know, and I want to
be a good guy about this,

So I'm just going to
do it behind her back.

You're a class act, Zack.

Thanks.

I can't believe I'm about
to tell you this, but...

When I was 13 years old,

I was actually allergic
to french kissing.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah.

I was playing this game of
spin-the-bottle at camp,

And it was my turn and it
landed on Patty Elkins -

This was the girl of my dreams,

Okay? So, I crawled

Over toward her and
I kissed her -

With tongue, naturally -

And then my face started
to tingle a lot.

I thought it was love,

But it was really a
severe allergic reaction

To the eight peanut butter cups

Patty shotgunned moments before.

My face swelled up

To the size of a pumpkin.

Wow. Yeah.

For the rest of camp, I was
known as "Pumpkinhead,

The boy who's
allergic to girls."

After my parents' divorce,

I started faking a limp
and walking with a cane.

Okay, get ready for this.

This is my big move.

I call it, "My big move."

Ooh! Oh!

What do you think?

- It's really impressive.
- Thank you.

I think you're going to
like my second move better.

All right.

What do you call that move?

I call it "prelude to
unhooking your bra."

What do you think?

Ooh.

Hi, mom.

No, I'm on a date.

He's a really good kisser.

Here, talk to my mom.

Oh, look.

It's one of the Jonas Brothers.

I have a date.

You know, since you
and I broke up -

I'm not going to lie - I've been

Skewing kind of young.

My new formula

Is my age, divided by two.

Minus three.

Well, I ha a little
somethin' going on myself.

Uh-huh. There he is right now.

Well, I'll, uh, leave you to it.

Hey, what's going on?

It worked.

She's in my apartment right now.

Oh, my god.

We are so about to get laid.

Yeah, but here's the thing:

I mean, I let her
in emotionally,

You know, like you said,
and, uh, we really connected

Both of our parents
got divorced,

And both of us coped by maybe
setting a few dumpster fires

Here and there.

I-I think I really like
her, and I don't know,

I think I might want
to see her again.

Well, then you can't
have sex with her

Relationships are all
about withholding sex.

Davis?

I-I gotta go

No, no, don't hang up.
Just put the phone down.

I want to hear the beginning

Of this beautiful
relationship, Mister.

No, I don't.

Is everything all right?

I have to get up early
for work tomorrow.

Oh, poor baby.

Uh, I'm saving
myself for marriage.

Oh, god.

I slept with her.

I know. I was listening.

Why didn't you
hang up the phone?

Why didn't you
hang up the phone?

It was a slow night.

By the way, do you have a cat?
Because I think I heard a cat.

Talking about Davis having sex?

Yes, but we're trying to turn
him into relationship material.

But I'm irresistible to her.

And I can't turn it off 'cause I
don't know how I turned it on.

You could always just show
her your stomach mouth.

Hmm.

I am pained and sure

I'm going to regret this,
but what is stomach mouth?

I am stomach mouth!

Okay, we're in a restaurant.

Look, the next time you see her,
if you want a relationship,

You have to find a way to make
it about more than just sex.

Make it about more
than just sex, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna be tapping into

parts of my brain I
didn't know I had.

So...

I had a lovely conversation with
a nice young lady named Sasha.

So, where'd you run in Sasha?

In our living room.

She showed up to the apartment?

Hi!

You must be Billie!

Oh, can I just say I
love your movie reviews?

I do not see a film unless you
give it at least three stars.

Wow! You are such a nice person.

Who are you?

Oh, god, I'm sorry. I'm Sasha.

Zack and I went out the
other night on a date.

Oh.

Well.

I'm Billie, his, uh...

I don't know what he calls me.

Oh, Zack told me all about you,

and how you're so awesome
and how you're so pregnant.

And I know this doesn't
sound like a compliment,

but I did not expect you
to be this gorgeous.

Okay!

I thought you were just
going to be the UPS guy

delivering my winter slippers.

Um, Zack's at work. Did he
know you were coming by?

No.

- Oh, my god, I'm blowing this.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, it's okay, Sasha. Relax.

I just... I just
like him so much.

I mean, have you
seen his big move?

I think I have.

We went out once!

Oh, I had a feeling that girl was
"Amy Winehouse bat-ass crazy".

What happened on the date?

Well, we... We made
out for a while,

And then she got a little nutty.

So... I made out
with her some more,

And then I walked her
back to her place.

I told her I'd call her, and
then we made out some more.

And then I got the
hell out of there.

Sounds to me like you gave her

the distinct impression
that you were into her.

Well, don't want to
seem like a bad guy

so I'm just not going
to call her again.

Come on, you know what,
cut her some slack.

She said she knew she
came on too strong.

Really?

Yeah, give her a second chance.

All right, maybe
she's just quirky.

Yeah, quirky.

- And she's hot.
- Smokin' hot.

And I know I can nail her.

Okay, we're in a restaurant.

Oh, will you pass the
ketchup, please?

That sounds like something
a friend would do.

But having been
de-friended by you

last night on Facebook,

I say: Get your
own damn ketchup.

Look, you are driving
me crazy with your,

Your updates and your pokes

and you're planting a
virtual tree in my name?

Why would you do that?

Why do you need my help with it?

Just plant your own fake
tree and leave me alone!

Listen, I know that you think
the only reason we're friends

is because of Billie, but...

That's not true.

I don't think we're friends.

Oh! Hi, James.

How's it going with
Miss Teen USA?

It's sick, dude.

Oh, the sickness.

Really? 'Cause you
look tired to me.

No, no. Okay.

I mean, the sex is great but
climbing into the loft bed

in her college dorm room
is killing my back.

And I think I might
really be getting sick.

Billie!

I went to the newspaper
to ask you to lunch

but you weren't there.

This is the third
place I checked.

Found you!

I smell crazy.

Hi, I'm james.

Sasha, this is a little, uh...

Impetuous, I know, but I feel
a connection between us.

Sort of like a friend, sister,
soul mate kind of thing.

Oh.

Hi mom, I'm having
lunch with Billie.

Here, my mom wants
to talk to you.

Her name's Mary.

Hello?

Nice to meet you, too, Mary.

Oh, that's so
sweet, but I, uh...

I already have a lamaze partner.

So, uh, I'm taking
Sasha out tonight.

Thanks for talking me
out of dumping her.

She's actually got a
lot of good qualities.

End it, bail, eject. Drop
the frickin' hammer.

What? Why?

She showed up at the office,
and when I wasn't there,

she tracked me down at lunch

and has been texting
me ever since.

I told you. Did she put you
on the phone with her mother?

How's she doing? Did she
win her tennis match?

No, it got rained out, so she
just went and got yogurt.

Text!

"Tell Zack I'm
thinking about him."

"Tell Billie I'm
thinking about her."

I'll break it off right now.

Good.

Sweet mother of God.

You know what, I actually think
it would be so much better

if we went out on an
actual date, you know?

I mean, if we hustle right
now, we can maybe catch

a midnight screening
of Schindler's List.

But I want to stay
here with you.

But I think we should get
some coffee and talk.

I'm really horny.

But I want to see
Schindler's List.

Uh, Sasha, look,
how do I put this?

Some foods just
don't go together.

Pickles and melon, whipped
cream and eggplant or...

- radishes and yogurt...
- Oh, God,

I've heard this exact
speech so many times.

You're breaking up with me.

Is your zipper glued shut?

Yes, yes, it is.

Listen, can I just
tell you something?

What?

I just feel like we made
a really huge mistake,

You know, sleeping
together so fast.

Because I kind of like you,

and I don't know, I'd
kind like to have

Something more with you.

Hmm, look, Davie,
that's really sweet,

but I'm just not
interested in anything

more than a physical
relationship with you.

Why?

I mean, what is it about me?

Is it 'cause I live in a dump?

Or because I have no money
or any desire to make money?

Because I have no
goals or dreams,

or desire to have any
goals or dreams?

You're right, I'm really
not relationship material.

Screw it.

And cut me out of these
pants right now.

You know what?

I'm over it.

What? No, wait!

Remember this?

What the hell did you do to me?!

Calm down. What happened?

A hot chick wanted
to have sex with me,

and because of you, I blew it!

You're the one who wanted
to have the relationship,

I was happy to just bang her.

Why did you listen to me?

I glued myself into my pants!

Zack and I are over!

How many more lives are
you going to destroy?

I held it together in the
bar, but I just kept thinking

I need to talk to
my best friend.

But she wasn't home,
so you came here?

You have such a great
sense of humor.

And I know you will say
the exact right thing

To make me feel better.

There, there...

You are so wise.

At least I didn't make
scene when he dumped me.

He has no idea he is
tearing me up inside.

Oh, I think he might
have an idea.

Sasha...

How do I put this?

Uh, some foods just
don't go together.

That was the strangest
break up I have ever had.

With someone I wasn't dating
and didn't even know.

And was a girl.

I can't believe how upset she
was when you broke up with her.

Well, I'm sure there's a
pregnant couple out their

with an unwieldy age difference
that's right for her,

But it is not us.

How are your dating muscles?
A little sore?

What a stupid idea,
"vicarious dating."

Without the sex, dating is just

letting people annoy
you for no reason.

Don't beat yourself up.

I mean i understand why you wanna
to get involved with everybody

It's gotta be hard to
get out of the game.

I mean, you went from being skinny
and pretty and popular to being...

Let me stop you there.

Yeah, sure.

I should be more careful who
I bring into this house.

I mean, we're going
to have a baby here.

I mean, I gotta start
being more choosy.

So, basically, I'm four times
my normal size, my hormones

Are so out of control,
I sometimes laugh, cry

And want to kill someone
in the same moment,

And the big change in your life

is that you have to
pick up quality girls?

I know, right?

Well, why don't you go get
yourself a quality girl?

I'm going to stay here and
watch some quality TV.

Can I watch it with you?

You're a quality girl.

Okay.

Want to rub a quality
girl's feet?

Sure. What are you
gonna rub of mine?

Why don't you just rub my feet,

and I'll let you
keep living here?

Yeah, that's good.

- What's up? I got your voicemail.
- How archaic.

Look, I was writinup a story
last night on a triple homicide,

And it wasn't one of those
funny triple homicides.

Uh, so I needed something
to lighten my mood,

So I looked up your
fluffy Facebook page,

And I have to say that the
orangutan nursing the kitten,

It just... It put a
smile on my face.

I just wanted to tell you that.

Abby likes this.

God help me.