Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Odd Couples - full transcript

How was work? Long.

- What are you doing?
- Putting odor eaters in my shoes.

Watch out for that table lamp.
Okay.

Now it's a floor lamp.

That was so good
that at one point

I actually thought
you were mad at me.

One very, very good point.

Yeah, that's when I
lost my filling.

My knees have never done that.

- Sorry, but thank you.
- You're welcome.

So, let's talk about
your marriage proposal.



It's been on my to-do
list for a few days now.

Oh, did I ask you to marry me?
Well, I love you,

and you love me too; otherwise
you wouldn't have asked, right?

Right.

The things is, we've never
actually been a couple

and usually you're a couple
before you get married.

So, I'm just wondering
how we'd do with that.

We'd do great.

I mean, just ask
that lamp we broke.

Or our neighbors.

But I mean, besides
our sex life.

Yeah, okay, I mean, I
guess you're right.

I mean, the truth is, the
longest relationship

I've ever had was...



I didn't tell that
girl we broke up.

I'm just wondering how we'd be
around our friends, you know?

What side of the
bed we'd sleep on?

Whose voice will be on
the answering machine?

Whatever you wanna do is fine.

See, I know how to
be a good boyfriend.

That's not what being
together is about.

We're supposed to argue
and then give in

and then resent each other.

Well, didn't you say
something about

which friends we're
going to hang out with?

Let's do that first.

I think that involves drinking.

I want a beer.

I'm down with that.

Mmm!

Your filling!

This is exciting... Our
first real double date.

What have you two been doing
since you officially hooked up?

Oh, you guys are dirty.
I just know it.

Well, why don't Zack and I get
us another round of drinks?

You two look like you
need some girl talk.

Oh, my God, from the
look on your face,

I would say you two are
really enjoying yourselves.

I knocked out his filling.

I knocked off Nick's
adult braces.

Us Chase sisters
will rough you up.

I know, and it's so exciting

we get to do all this fun,
couple stuff together.

And look at them...
They're really bonding.

Oh, no, I'd never go surfing.

The ocean is crawling
with bacteria.

It's the final resting
place of all human waste.

Yeah, I go surfing
almost every morning,

I haven't gotten sick once.

Oh, you will, Zack.

And it's likely to be an
antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

And then that'll
be all she wrote.

This is great.

'Cause frankly, I was worried
about how all this was gonna go.

What are you worried about?

You two are adorable.

Oh, before I forget,

how much weight have you gained?

It's for a game for
your baby shower,

"Guess How Much Weight
Billie Gained."

I was thinking...

Okay, first, can we
not play that game?

And second, can we make
it a co-ed shower?

'Cause I want Zack to be there.

What's the point of having
30 of my girlfriends over

if I can't parade
around my hot boy-toy?

Okay, I like that.

A co-ed shower.

It's hip. It's young.
It's modern.

All things which
make me anxious.

There's just one thing that
I would like in return.

Even though you guys have decided
to wait until it's born,

which I respect,

I have to know the
sex of the baby.

And I would like for you
to make it be a girl.

So, what are you into, Nick?

Well, I'm an engineer,
so, as a hobby,

I'm constructing a
miniature amusement park

made out of matchsticks and
wire and then subjecting it

to mock earthquakes to test
for structural integrity.

What can I say? I'm
an adrenaline junkie.

Davis! Over here!

Hello, one and all,
this is Kaylee.

Kaylee, this is everyone.

Hey, guys.

We were here before and
I left my credit card.

So, be right back.

Okay.

That's right, people: my new
girlfriend has a credit card.

Girlfriend? Credit card?

When did this happen?

While you two were shacked
up grossing out your baby.

Yeah, I stumbled upon a new
method to pick up chicks.

Yes?

Do I owe you money or something?

No, it's just, you look exactly

like my favorite
musician of all time.

Dave Grohl. From Foo Fighters.

Oh, my God, I would do
anything to meet him.

Anything? Yeah, anything.

Anything? I think so.

Well, this just happens
to be your lucky day,

because I am Dave Grohl's
younger brother, Davis Grohl.

You dog. That is awesome.

If your new method is
lying to chicks in bars,

I hate to tell you,

but every man in history
has beat you to it.

♪ I can't be anything without you. ♪
Sync By YesCool

So, that was a successful
first night out, huh?

It seemed like you and Nick
were really getting along.

Did it?

Because any cool, fun
activity I mentioned,

he told me 60 ways it could
give me ball cancer.

Well, that proves
he doesn't want

anything bad to happen to you.

Or your balls. I can't
take him, okay?

It's like talking
to a warning label.

Okay, he wants to get a dog
that can sniff out tumors.

Well, he's my brother-in-law,
and he's part of my family.

And the sooner you get
to know him, the better.

Okay, I'll keep
trying with the guy.

Thank you.

And he really is a great guy.

Did he tell you how he thinks
swine flu is mostly spread

through the take-a-penny,
leave-a-penny trays?

You know, I was the one
who came up with the name

for the Foo Fighters. Yeah,
we were all hanging out,

jamming, smoking weed,
and drinking beers.

Wow, but weren't
you like, seven?

Baby, I grew up around all that.

Hey there, Davis. Oh, hi.

I just stopped off to get
that list of Zack's friends

to invite to the baby shower.
Oh, yeah, listen, my brother,

Dave Grohl, may not
be able to make it.

What are you...?

Oh... Well, tell Dave Grohl

I need my salad spinner back.

I am so bummed. I know.

Well, all right, I'm
gonna stop by my place

and get a fresh pair of
underwear before work.

You must work at a fancy place.

Oh, here's the list of
all the food we need.

How much of a
discount can you get?

Well, if the right manager
is working, 100%.

Hey, thanks for not blowing

my Dave Grohl act with Kaylee.

Oh, please, I love deception.

Like how I pretend I'm foreign

when a tourist asks
me for directions.

Pah pah, pagow! Pah pah, pagow!

Master.

Hey, how was the surf?

Was it gnarly? Flaky? Spicoli?

I don't know what
I'm talking about.

It was transformative.

You know, I've spent my whole
life afraid of the ocean.

But I actually got up on
my board for ten seconds

before I ate it.

Next time we're gonna
try it in the water.

And I loved riding in your van.

You know, I felt like
a trucker, you know,

out on the open road,
all hopped up on pills.

Maybe next time I
could take the wheel?

Yeah, it's a stick
shift, though, so...

Oh, cool, then you can take me

to the mall parking
lot and teach me.

That was brutal.

He refused to even pee in the ocean. Or
at a gas station. Or at a supermarket.

I had to take him to a hospital.

Which hospital? He's
very picky about that.

Yes, I know. It had to
be one on his plan.

To use the bathroom?

Well, he figured
while he was there,

he would get a throat culture.

Look, if I have to go
surfing with Nick again,

there's a slight chance
I might drown him.

In sand, if necessary.

Keep trying.

Please?

I'll do that thing you love.

The dishes?

Yeah, and then we'll have sex.
Ooh, it feels so much better

to get that salt
water off my face.

I thought he didn't
go in the water.

It's from the crying.

Well, yesterday was a hit.

Our guys mixing it up.

Surfing, some male bonding,
a trip to the hospital.

Oh, Nick felt like he'd
found a friend for life.

For life? Really?

Wasn't Zack jazzed as well?

Tell me everything he said.

Well, you know, it's a process.

I mean, it's hard for
an experienced surfer

to go with someone who
won't go near the water,

and still insists on
wearing floaties.

Well, what did he say? Tell
me exactly what he said.

Nothing.

There's nothing to worry about.

If a relationship starts at ten,
it has nowhere to go to, right?

Well, where did Zack
think it started?

Three? Three?!

Abby, you know how Nick can be.

You mean loving
and a good lover?

Did you explain that to Zack?

No, how in the world
would that have come up?

So, you didn't
defend him at all.

Well, he is a quirky
fellow, Abby.

Oh, you mean like Zack doesn't
have a checking account quirky?

No, like he has to use gloves

to pick out melons at
the supermarket quirky.

Those melons are
from South America!

You know what?

If Zack doesn't like my husband,

then I don't like Zack.

And I don't like
throwing baby showers

for people that I don't like.

So, if I were you, I
would dip into my 401

and buy my own damn stroller!

But, Abby, I wasn't...
Pah pah, pagow!

Thank you so much for the sandwich
and the blue cheese stuffed olives.

I'm so pissed off at
my sister right now

even the baby's making a fist.

What did Abby do?

She blamed you for not
getting along with Nick.

And how did she know

I didn't get along with Nick?

She was very perceptive

in understanding the words
that came out of my mouth.

Well, now I feel like crap.

We're trying to see how we
do as a couple in the world,

and I screwed things up.

It's not you. You're adorable.

Everybody has trouble with Nick.

Except doctors and pharmacists...
Those are his peeps.

James, when we were going out,

you had a hard time getting
along with Nick, right?

Yeah, at first, but I
worked out a system.

Hey, buddy.

What exciting high jinks
have you been up to, hmm?

Well, I was hanging out
with this friend of mine

who just got back
from the Congo.

Didn't get any of his
shots and now his eyes...

are bleeding a little.

Anyway, I was with him
all day yesterday.

Well, that proves it.

Nick is universally annoying.

Yeah, it's a close call
between Nick, paper cuts,

and elevator music.

And there's lots of other
people to hang out with.

Tons. Like...

Davis and Kaylee?

Well, Billie, I don't believe
you've ever had dinner

at Chez Davis,

where you sit on le floor

and eat off le paper plates.

Ah, the timer.

That means the bread
is gently warmed.

Assuming I didn't forget
to put it in the oven.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

You're gigantic.

Do you ever wear a tube
top around just for fun?

Kaylee, what do you
do for a living?

Well, once I meet Dave Grohl,

I'm going to design
T-shirts for him

because I'm going to learn
how to do that. And...

lots of people are
going to see them

and buy them and I'm going
to make a million dollars.

You really went all out
for this dinner party.

And it seems like those
two are getting along,

which is good, 'cause
Billie's all into

how we blah-blah-blah
as a couple.

I know, man.

Kaylee's the best.

I mean, I can really see
myself being with her

for as long as I can
keep making her believe

I'm Dave Grohl's brother.

Kaylee, I just need
to ask you something,

because Davis is my friend, and
I think he really likes you.

Do you like anything
else about him?

Besides the whole
Dave Grohl thing?

He's a really nice guy,

and he's got

dark hair and a beard,

and he plays guitar and
millions of women love him.

No, that's Dave Grohl.

Oh.

Then, not really.

Um...

did this fact ever occur to you,

that Davis' name is Davis

and Dave Grohl's name is David?

This is so great,

hearing all these
Grohl family stories.

Does that sound real to you?

Does that sound like something

that would happen
to a real person?

So, what are you
two talking about?

She's saying that you're not
really Dave Grohl's brother.

What did you do?

Well, you blew that evening.

What do you want from me?

I'm a pregnant woman,

sitting on the floor
eating burnt toast,

helping your friend scam a
future stalker of Dave Grohl.

Well, we're kinda
running out of couples.

I know. It should've been like
shooting fish in a barrel.

We struck out with people
predisposed to like us.

Yeah. And the worst part

is sitting on that cushion
aggravated my sciatica.

I don't think I can
have sex tonight.

That's okay.

I was going to ask you
for a night off anyway

'cause my tooth is killing me.

So, Saturday, I thought
we could go to the zoo.

And then that afternoon
have tea with your mother,

and then that night
stay in the house

and figure out what to do
with all these damn napkins

I ordered for the baby shower!

Honey, why don't you
just go to her?

That would be admitting
that you're weird.

Come on, Abby.

How would you describe all
my crazy obsessive stuff?

Don't you find it peculiar

that I smell my ChapStick
before I put it on?

That I count my
teeth every night?

That I get all panicky
when it snows?

Or when it rains.

Or when it's really sunny.

No, I find all those
things adorable.

And I think it's great
that you defended me,

I'm an acquired
taste, like herring

or the music of
David Hasselhoff.

Zack will come around.

Are you just saying this

because I can't get a
refund on these napkins?

Partially.

But mostly I'm saying
this because I love you

and Billie's your sister and
Zack is the father of my nephew.

Or niece. You mean niece.

Niece, niece.

I love you.

Thank God.

Abby, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God, who cares?
I'm so sorry.

Me, too.

You're on my foot.

And you're pregnant. Oh!

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm anxious

about me and Zack and
what it all means

and I took that out
on you and Nick.

Well, it wasn't all you.

Nick is weird.

No, don't say that.

I love Nick.

Thank you, but that
doesn't change the fact

that Nick is weird.

And it turns me on.

Can I ask your honest opinion?

Do you think what Zack and I
are trying to do is ever...

I mean, how do Ashton
and Demi do it?

How do they find people
to hang out with?

Well, it helps that they're
both beautiful millionaires.

But they never really know

who their true friends are.

Although, if Demi
called me right now

I would dump you in a second.

You think Zack and I
can make this work?

I have believed in you
and Zack from the start.

And even then, I knew
it would be difficult,

but I still think
it's meant to be

and nothing can talk
me out of that.

Thank you for coming
over and saying that.

Why are we in the hallway?

Oh, oh, yeah.

I know I told you that I
cancelled your shower, but...

Surprise!

Oh, thanks for the gift.

Next time you want to be a
relative of a fake celebrity

in order to get into
a girl's pants,

I'll be prepared ahead of time.

I don't know.

These opportunities don't
come up very often.

I don't look like
that many guys.

That's not true.

You could be related to Joaquin
Phoenix at this point.

I'd even buy you as a younger,
skinnier, hairier Baldwin.

Okay, here's your gift.

Oh, baby's first Foo
Fighters boxed set.

With your face
Photoshopped on the cover.

Thank you.

Hey, isn't this great?
Look at all these people.

You got my friends and your friends.
I know.

I think maybe we
worried for nothing.

Yeah, I even bonded with Nick.

I told him about how James
had been screwing with him.

Really? I had no idea

riding my motorcycle would
make my prostate swell

to the size of a peach. And
that's just your prostate.

Don't get me started
on your testicles.

Why?

What could happen
to my testicles?

Boom.

And to show our appreciation,

of this beautiful baby shower,

I have a special
present for you.

Oh, my God,

is this the top-secret
sex-of-the-baby envelope?

Yes. You can take a peek,

but you have to do it in the
bedroom because I think

your face will give away
the sex of the baby

and I don't even want
there to be a chance

that we'll figure it out. Yay!

No!

We're having a boy! All right!

I feel like a real trucker.
So, that freeway overpass?

- I designed it.
- Pretty impressive.

Some great graffiti.

Yeah, I know. I go
up twice a week

and try to wash it off, but
they're very persistent.

And once I got shot at.
That was exciting.

Did you get to go
to the hospital?

Yes, I did.

And there was no co-pay because
it was an emergency room visit.

Up high!