Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Rock - full transcript

Huh, well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Zero interest.

Hi, James.

Sully, haven't seen you

since I accused you of
being a pregnophile.

Whatever, that wasn't even
the worst thing you said.

There's something
worse than that?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

That would be when she
called my sister pregnant,

which she ain't.

She was a big girl.



Well, just so you know,
after you said that,

my sister went down to Mexico
and got a frickin' tummy tuck.

So, I hope you're
proud of yourself.

So, we're good? Great.

'Cause the last article

you two c o-wrote was fantastic.

You guys have real
chemistry on the page.

Apparently not in person.

Anyway, I want you two

to do the cover story for
the Sunday magazine.

The Sunday magazine?

I slept with you
for three years,

I never got the Sunday magazine!

Oh, my God, thank you.



Yeah, that's amazing!

This is gonna make my mother a
superstar in her church group.

And her gun club!

The Rock has agreed to be on
the cover, which is great,

because well, I'll get to have
my photo taken with The Rock.

And with the way things
are going around here,

this would be a good time
to do a really good job.

Look, Sully, I just want...
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Don't even bother, okay?

I don't think you're
a very nice person.

Sully...

Bup, bup, bup!

You heard him, with the way
things are going around here,

people are getting laid
off left and right.

All right, you're right,
you're right, you know what?

We gotta knock this
out of the park.

Yeah, we're gonna.

This is the Sunday magazine!

It's an iconic part of San
Francisco, like cable cars,

the Golden Gate Bridge, and two
dudes making out in assless chaps.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Movie reviewers never
get the cover.

A cover could be up
to 3, 000 words.

I usually only get a
couple hundred words.

Sometimes I don't even get
words, I just get stars.

This is a huge
opportunity for me,

especially now when writers

are getting laid off
all over the place.

Speaking of covers...

what are we not
doing under them?

You two really need to
get your own apartment.

Aren't you supposed
to be at work?

Well, Dad...

I just got some bad news.

Found out my shifts

are getting cut
at Pantry Pete's.

They say it's 'cause I was
caught napping in the lettuce,

but I think we really
know what's going on.

What's really going on?

I steal.

Anyway, I had

this amazing idea on the can

about how we can make
some fast money.

The can is the birthplace
of a lot of great ideas.

The dancer who
invented the can-can,

thought of it on the can.

Please, you think this
is the first idea

Davis has come up
with on the can?

I got it!

A jacket that just
covers your arms.

It's like the
opposite of a vest.

We could call it the "Varm."

I got it!

A clothing store for
middle easterners

called "Turban Outfitters."

Yeah, but this
one's legit, okay?

I get a discount
at Pantry Pete's,

Zack is amazing with food,

so we go into business,

we make a killing
selling sandwiches,

then we buy a boat.

And then we rent out our
boat for rap videos.

And then when everyone
shows up for the shoot,

you sell them sandwiches.

It could be a constant stream

of delicious sandwiches
and boat hos.

Yeah, I mean, I got the
restaurant at night,

but I could use the extra cash.

Yeah, we whip up
some sandwiches,

wrap them up in cellophane,

and then, boom, "Yes, Lil'
Wayne, you may use our boat."

Olivia, why are you taking a
picture of a picture frame?

Irony?

Rumor has it that you've
been taking items from home

and using the paper's shipping
department to sell them on Ebay.

Oh, that is insane!

Let me rephrase.

Security camera footage shows

that you've been
bringing items from home

and using the paper's shipping
department to sell them on Ebay.

Other than hard evidence,
what else do you have?

Stop it.

Have you noticed how many
people I've had to fire?

Now is not the time
to screw around.

Well, what do you expect

when you keep handing out
20 percent pay cuts?

I am just a scrappy immigrant
looking for a better life, boss.

In a place that I thought
was called America.

How you doing, Olivia?

No.

Come on, let me investigate

your Scotland yard,
you know what I mean?

Look, you're too tall,
you're too loud

and you've got too
many freckles.

It's everything I left
Scotland to get away from.

Ah, yes, Sully,

you ready to go?

Ready to start?

This is the beginning
of greatness.

We're going to write
the first sentence

of the first cover article
either of us has ever had.

How do you think
it should start?

I hate myself.

I don't think people
will get that.

What's going on, you were
so excited yesterday?

I don't understand, I've been
chatting up that Olivia chick

for a month now and she
just shot me down again.

I don't get it, I mean,

look at this.

From head to toe, lovable.

Toe to head, lovable.

I agree, even side
to side, lovable.

I mean, Olivia's
your friend, right?

Maybe you could

put a good word in
for me with her?

I mean, because her
mouth keeps saying no,

but her eyes keep saying,
"Eh, I could do worse."

If I promise to do that, do you
promise to focus on the article?

Yes, that is a deal.

Okay, so from now on,
no more distractions.

Just focus, focus, focus.

Oh, hey, it's my boyfriend!

Hey, how are the new sandwich
kings of San Francisco?

He's driving me crazy.

You should see some of his
creative sales techniques.

Stop!

Do exactly as I say

and everything will
turn out delicious.

Think of him as an
attention getter...

Something to draw a crowd.

Easier said than done.

It's a fine line between
entertaining someone

and asking someone to
punch you in the face.

Hey, check it out.

I'm your grandma.

What'd you say
about my grandma?!

I'm not asking you
to sleep with Sully,

I just want you to give him the
impression that you might.

And then when the
article's all done,

you can take him
out to the desert

and drop him at a gas station.

Okay, I'll do it.

'Cause I know this is a really
big opportunity for you

and I love you and
you're my best friend

in the whole wide world.

Oh, thank you so much.

But it'll cost you.

Look, it's really simple.

All I need you to do is

to drive up the bid
on my Ebay auctions.

Fine, it's a deal.

Oh, there he is.

Go over there and let the
girls do the talking.

Hey, Brooklyn.

Now that I come to think of it,

I find your halting speech and
your blank stares very sexy.

I knew you'd come around.

Are you still worrying about
that article you turned in?

It's not just any article.

It's the cover of the
Sunday magazine.

I mean, if you're in a
doctor's office and you see

the Sunday magazine sitting
in the waiting room,

you think, "Whoa, this
is a good doctor."

I'm so freaked out about
it, I pimped out Olivia.

Oh, which reminds me, I have to
bid on her Zen desk fountain.

Yeah, take that,
FountainLovr4326,

I will see your ten, and
raise you a quarter!

Bam!

Well, you were right about
the sandwich thing.

Once I got Davis to use his
powers of idiocy for good,

we ran out of every meat.

Even the pimento loaf.

And one oven-roasted turkey

with olive spread on ciabatta.

No animals were harmed in the
making of this sandwich.

Except the ones between
these slices of bread!

These sandwiches will
make you look huge.

Well, I think the reason
you're doing so fantastic

is 'cause your sandwiches
are delicious.

But it's nice to know I helped.

Oh, that's right,
FountainLovr4326.

Take it, take it, take it.

Who's your daddy?

How about a little bit
of that over here?

Hey, tiger.

Hey, sexy, what are you up to?

Oh. A piece on how the
board of supervisors

finally passed an ordinance
on the new occupancy tax.

That's hot.

Remember you said you
had a surprise for me

when Billie and I finished
our cover article?

Yeah. We finished.

Oh. Well, then.

I'm not going out with you.

Surprise!

You know, your, uh,
friend led me on

in a really weird way.

As soon as she found
out we were done

with the article, she
just blew me off.

Yeah, I don't think
she's right for you.

Hey.

What about Diane up in
the opinion section?

My opinion: she's super slutty.

That's good. That's good.

I like where your head's at.

Hey, uh, have you
heard from James

about any feedback
on the article?

No communication whatsoever.

It's almost like
we're still dating.

There you are.

Look, we worked
really hard on this,

and it's my best
work and Sully's,

and I think it's really
inconsiderate of you

to take so long to
give us our feedback.

The article was great.

Ah. Well, thank you
for saying that.

See, we worried for nothing.

Not that my opinion
matters anymore.

I'm leaving the paper.

What?

I was fired.

I was sick of firing employees.

Felt like I was
breaking up with people

over and over and over,

and not having sex
with any of them.

Well, Cindy.

Well, at least Cindy went out
with a smile on her face.

From where I was standing,
I can't confirm that.

Anyway,

corporate fired me because I
wouldn't fire any more people.

James, I couldn't be
more upset about this

if it had happened to all of us.

Is it going to
happen to all of us?

It could.

They're just going to
bring someone else in,

and they're going
to keep downsizing.

So, we're screwed.

And not in the good Cindy way.

I'm more screwed than
you, you Scottish tease.

You don't owe a bookie named
Piggy Gonzalez 45 grand.

She's a very violent woman.

How am I going to tell the 2
2-year-old father of my baby

that we may lose our
health insurance?

I mean, you guys don't
have anyone to go home to

who has to hear this bad news.

Oh, thanks for that.
That's nice, Chase.

Maybe I'll give Cindy a call.

Genius day, dude.

Your idea of standing outside
of Curves around lunchtime...

You kind of blew my mind.

Yeah, after 30 minutes
of lo w-impact walking,

those sweaty ladies
really feel like

they've earned a
sandwich or two.

And you got a few
numbers, am I right?

Oh, you're right.

I'll check back in six months

and see how they're doing.

Hey, guess what.

Thanks to your awesome advice,

Davis and I made $75 each today.

Who's a pimp now, sucker?

I'm making it rain.
I'm making it rain!

Dude, it looks like
she's about to cry.

Stop making it rain.

What's happening?

Thank God strippers
don't act like that

when you throw singles at them.

Um...

did they not like the article?

They loved it.

James got fired, and
from what he was saying,

it looks like I could be next.

Holy crap.

What are you going to do?

How are you going to
pay for everything?

This place is really expensive.

Not helping!

I-I'm... I'm sorry.

I've never had a girlfriend

with a job, so I never had a
girlfriend who might lose one.

This is what a real
crisis is like.

Uh-huh.

Um, okay, well, if it's
any consolation, our...

our sandwich business
is really taking off.

How much did you say
you made again?

Seventy-five dollars.

Oh, good.

Now our baby can go to college.

Hey, guys.

How's it going in here?

She's going to get fired.

Oh, my God, we're going
to lose the apartment!

Alan...

Alan...

I'm going to miss our talks.

This is the first time
you've ever spoken to me.

Good talk, Alan.

You all right?

Oh, well, you know...

15 years of my life,

and it's all down the tubes.
Huh.

Hey, you were a huge part
of a lot of people's lives.

The mayoral scandal,

the gay marriage coverage.

This newspaper brought Sudoku
to the people of San Francisco.

I've got something for you.

It's my cover.

Oh! There's my name.

On the cover.

That's The Rock next to
my name on my cover.

Wow.

Seeing this reaction
made it all worthwhile.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

You know, people that get the
cover story get noticed.

You don't need a resume.

You just show them this.

So, my name was on the
list to get fired?

You don't think I took a
bullet for Alan, do you?

I don't know how
I'll ever thank you.

Run away with me.

Wow, you're really
late with this.

I know.

Run away with me.

You've been drinking a lot.

That's why I didn't say,
"Drive away with me."

I screwed up.

I never should have let you go.

Dump the 22-year-old, and
you'll never have to worry

about anything for the
rest of your life.

You know I can't do that.

And tomorrow morning,
when you wake up,

you'll be really
relieved I didn't.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Ah, you know, I'm
good-looking, I'm rich.

I'll be okay.

Yeah, you will.

This isn't the first time

I've been screwed
over, you know.

See, when I started out, I
was stationed in Chechnya.

That's it.

Listen, about before,

Billie strong-armed me into
pretending I liked you,

so that you would
finish the article.

Ouch.

So, you were, uh,
never really into me?

Not really.

You were pretending, huh?

Yes.

Well, can you pretend some more?

Maybe, you know, like,
till breakfast?

Oh, will you buy me breakfast?

Oh, yeah, I got a tw
o-for-one coupon.

Don't spoil it.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, I heard what
happened with James.

Are you all right?

We're going to go comfort each
other in a sexual fashion.

Come on, Bagpipes.

Let's see what you can do.

What if Billie does
actually lose her job?

And then the baby comes-
that's not going to help.

Yeah, it's not like the baby

can help pay for the apartment.

Unless...

No. No, you can't do that.

No, that could screw a kid up.

Unless...

Wait, what are you
talking about?

Hey, what are you talking about?

On the count of three,

we both say what
we're talking about.

All right.

One, two, three.

Baby model. Sell the baby.

Sell the baby? Yours is better.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hey. How you doing?

A little better.

Look, look, look.

It's the cover of my article.

Yay, applause, applause,
ticker tape parade.

Where's your name?

Oh, it's that teeny,
tiny thing right here.

Oh, yeah.

You really got to get your nose

in between The Rock's
legs to see it.

Cool. You hungry?

When was the last time you
saw me not eating or crying?

It has been a while.

Anyway, I made you
a real dinner.

It's, like, hot and everything.

Mmm.

What's this?

It's your new home office-
if you get fired...

For all the brilliant things
you're going to write.

And it's portable, so maybe
you're inspired here,

or maybe you're inspired
in the living room,

or maybe you're working and
I want to come kiss you,

so I push it away.

It's perfect.

I felt like I kind of
flipped out before,

and I just wanted to show you
that no matter what happens,

I can throw together
a few cheap items

to temporarily make
you feel better.

Well, it's working.

Mmm!

I got us something, too.

I accidentally outbid
FountainLovr4326

on Olivia's Zen desk fountain.

It cost me $47.
10, which is sad,

because it retails for $8.99.

But it's supposed
to be beautiful.

You plug it in, and it
creates a soothing mist,

like you're in a
Japanese rainforest.

Son of a bitch.

So, tell me a little bit

about this breakfast that
we're going to have.

Well, it's all you can eat,

and I like to get
my money's worth,

so let's work up an appetite.

Okay.

Let's put on a show for
the security guards.