Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 14 - Attack of the 50 Foot Woman - full transcript

What's this?

It's for Billie.

Oh, a reward for climbing
all those stairs.

Maybe I'll just go home.

Oh, my God, it's the crib!

Zack!

Okay, let me get that.

Dude, a little help?

She's not carrying my baby...
yet.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

The baby's going to
live in this crib



for the first two
years of his life.

It's going to look so cute
when we put it all together...

Okay, looks good here for now.

And there it sat.

They ignored the box?

Oh, no, the box got
a lot of attention.

Oh, you're all out of soda.

Better go downstairs
to get some more.

Oh, I should have seen it coming
after you did it to the UPS guy.

Dude, this box was
totally worth $400.00.

You think he ignored it to
make some sort of a statement?

No, I think he was genuinely
having fun with the box.

That's as deep as it gets.

Well, why don't I
just come over today



and help you put
the crib together?

No, no. He'll get to it.

That's one of the perks
of having a boyfriend.

Why don't you manipulate Zack?

That's what I do with Nick.

He won't even realize
you're doing it.

It's like killing someone
with carbon monoxide.

They don't know
what's happening.

It's just smile, smile, smile...
dead.

Smile, smile, smile...
You're freaking me out.

Oh, hello, boys.

Air kiss!

So why did you want us to
meet you at a gay bar?

This is a gay bar?

You'll find out in a second.

Now, go and order
us another drink.

All right, Pusharella.
Excuse me.

Hold on, Mary, I'll be
with you in a second.

Ta-dah!

Oh, my God.

Thank you!

Oh, my God, I just realized
I'm working in a gay bar.

It's 9:00, you know
what that means!

Are you... Are you
covered in baby oil?

It's Pam.

With a little rouge
around the nipples.

Now we know why
phones have a camera.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Accidentally on Purpose 1x14 Original
Air Date on February 1, 2010

Dude, you gotta, like, lift
some weights or something

'cause compared to
these other guys,

you look like you're melting.

Okay, be cool.

Please do not blow this for me.

These people think I'm gay.

Why do they think that?

Because I told them I was gay.

You don't have to be gay
to work in a gay bar.

I know that now.

Look, my rent went up,
I need the extra cash

and the tips are amazing here.

And I'm good with anything
up to second base.

Excuse me!

Need some "make me feel
better" juice over here.

I hope for your sake, he's
talking about a drink.

Coming, Jerome.

I love this place.

How come we don't come
here all the time?

I do. I come here with my
gay friends once a week.

I couldn't look like
this without them.

Trust me. You should
have seen me before.

If you're not Scottish,
you're a complete disaster.

I am Scottish.

Then there's still a
little hope for you.

So you met a gay
guy in the street

and that's how you
became so fashionable?

Oh, yeah. Before she met Trent,

she looked like a baked
potato in a kilt.

Trent took pity on me.

I want a gay friend.

I found out at work, they
call me "Drabby Abby."

And sometimes when we go late,

they call me "Crabby,
Drabby Abby."

And when it's that time of the
month, and I'm bloated...

Oh, wait, let me
guess, "Flabby"?

Yes. "Flabby, Crabby,
Drabby Abby."

I don't understand.

I mean, look at this
cute little sweater set

I got at the silent
auction at my church.

Maybe a little gay
couldn't hurt.

Billie.

Notice anything different
about the living room?

No, why? What would
be different?

Come on, admit it,
it was bothering you

that I left the crib in the
middle of the living room.

No, I thought it was delightful.
Okay.

Well, I took care of it.

Wow, you moved the box.

Yup. Moved it all by myself.

I'm gonna need a
little back rub later.

Oh, that's so what I
want to do to you.

So, this baby's coming.

We're getting close, huh?

Yeah.

You weigh a lot.

You think we're ready?

You think everything's ready?

I guess so. Would
you dig in there?

When I turned the
corner to the nursery,

I think I really
pulled something.

Old Frisbee injury.

Yeah.

I guess the nursery's
not quite there yet,

but what's the
difference, really?

I mean, the baby's probably

just going to be
sleeping with us, right?

Mm-hmm.

What?

Well, yeah, if you don't get a
baby in a crib pretty early,

it sort of gets used to
sleeping in the bed.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You mean i-in this bed?

In our bed, with us?

Yeah, I mean a lot of people
do a family bed, you know,

where the kid just
sleeps with the parents.

For how long?

I don't know, could be years.

♪ ♪

You know what we gotta do?

We gotta get that crib together.

Smile, smile, smile... dead.

Am I a terrible person
for manipulating him?

No!

Oh, good, 'cause I
was fantastic at it.

Manipulation is one of the best
tools in the lady toolbox.

Along with the vagina.

Oh!

Abby, I have got a
surprise for you.

Really?! What?

Hi. I'm Bob.

Is this my... Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, you're gay!

He sure is.

Bob, this is Abby.
Abby, this is Bob.

Now, Bob is a Scorpio, he has a
ferret named George Clooney,

and he makes a mean
French onion soup.

So, you can...

The secret is to
melt the Gruyère

with a little baby torch.

I feel like my life
is changing already!

So anyway, Larry, the ex,

still has some
stuff at my house.

He wants to come
by and pick it up.

So should I not be there?

Or should I be there
completely naked?

Oh, Jerome, Jerome, Jerome,

I hate seeing you on this
emotional roller coaster.

I mean, you're
better than Larry.

You deserve more
than a body-builder

just trying to get
his green card.

I loved his laugh,
his tofu scramble,

the way that he would carry
me from room to room.

Listen, mister, you are a
gorgeous hunk of man, okay?

And there isn't a guy in here

who doesn't want a big
hot slice of Jerome.

There isn't?

No.

So what time do you get off?

2:00 a.m.

Oh...

Hello? Anybody home?

Hey, I want to show
you something.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh!

Oh, my God, you put the...

And you hung the...

Oh, and look at the
cute little...

Oh, you are so going
to get it, mister.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh, I see. You put all of
your stuff in my room.

How do you amass that
much crap at 22?

When I was 22, all I had

was a Miata, a thong
and a diaphragm,

and it was a great year.

Thanks for nothing.

Bob was very disappointing.

We rode the bus...
He sat, I stood.

He wanted to go to
the 99 cent store

and buy soap and shorts and
out-of-season greeting cards.

I thought he was
going to take me

from "Drabby" to "Fabby,"
but instead he just took me

to the food court at the mall.

Who puts orange chicken
on a Cinnabon?

Hey, back off. Bob
is hypoglycemic.

He has to eat 11 times a day.

It's either that or
have a pump installed.

Chicken on a Cinnabon.
That is brilliant.

You want someone better,
you go out and find them.

How?

Sweetie, we live
in San Francisco.

Just go out there, and sing
four bars of Lady Gaga.

They'll be crawling
all over you.

Can you help me get
these pants off?

Please tell me you're
wearing underwear.

I'll tell you, but it
won't make it true.

So, uh, this might be a...

a weird time

for me to ask you this...

Or a perfect time... but, uh,

I got myself into a bit of
a situation with Jerome.

Uh-huh. Suck it in, dude.

Yeah, well, the thing is,
Jerome came on to me,

and, you know,
he's going through

a real rough patch right now.

And I didn't want to hurt
his feelings, you know,

'cause he's a really cool dude,

so I told him I had a boyfriend.

So, I guess, you know,
what I'm asking is, uh,

well, do you think you
could be my boyfriend?

Your junk looks like
it's been crushed in.

Anyway, let me ask you

this very uncomfortable
question one more time.

Will you be my boyfriend?

No, man, I'm not gonna do that.

Come on, man.

I helped you put
that crib together.

Still got a splinter
in my pinky.

Actually, that's a pen mark.

I mean, the least you can
do is just, you know,

pretend to love me for an hour.

Dude, it's just not believable.

I mean, do you really think
you could get a... a me?

Do you really think
you could get a me?

Yeah, like, easily.

Yeah, you're probably right.

The truth is I'm just so
excited to show you off!

Hi. Hey.

So you had a surprise for me,

now I have a surprise for you.

Close your eyes.

I like where this is going.

But I just had some
weird stuff at Davis's,

so I think I should probably
take a shower first.

My stuff is gone.

Right.

Your stuff is gone.

To a better place.

Let me take you on a
tour of your stuff.

Much like a squirrel
places its nuts,

I have placed your
items in various

advantageous spots
around the apartment.

Say you want to get
dressed in the morning.

What's the first thing you need?

My stuff back?

Underwear!

Under where?

The couch!

You have to lift it
up a little bit.

But on the bright side,
when I moved it,

I realized it was
a pull-out bed.

I had no idea.

All right, so you
got your underwear.

Now you need some pants.

Where do we go for that?

The pantry!

Anyway, I made a map
of all your stuff.

You are here.

No, wait... here.

No, wait.

Here.

Do you have any inkling that
this isn't going very well?

I do now.

Look, I know it's ridiculous,

but so was you
turning my bedroom

into a Goodwill donation center.

Well, if you didn't like
all the stuff in the room,

then why didn't you
just get rid of

some of your crap and
make room for mine?

Because everything in that room
is essential and necessary.

Ski jacket?

Seven robes?

Okay, this dress...

Let's be honest,

you're never fitting
into this again.

That's my stomach flu dress.

Every girl has one.

You have a floppy hat collection
like I've never seen.

Who are you, Molly Ringwald?

You know who Molly Ringwald is?

So it's more important
that those hats

are in your room than me?

Come on, Zack.

It's not my room, it's our room.

Well, it doesn't feel
like that right now.

J... uh...

Why are you so upset?

Because you expect me to go on

a frickin' scavenger hunt
in order to get dressed.

It's really more of a treasure
hunt, 'cause you have a map.

Look, I tried to
do something nice.

But if we're really
gonna be a family,

then you got to
start compromising.

That's our room and I
need my stuff in it.

Now I just need
to get my jacket.

I need to go do
something for Davis.

Jacket.

Jacket.

See how easy that was?

When I saw all of his
stuff in my room,

it just hit me: we were
really doing this.

We are together.

I mean, I love him,
but I just wish

everything in this
relationship didn't

jump out from behind a
tree and ambush me.

Well, don't think
of it that way.

Think of it as something

jumping out from behind
a tree and loving you.

I'm no one to give advice.

Several people think I'm a man.

Hi, I'm Abby.

Can one of you help me

become the lady I've
always wanted to be?

Wow, you look fantastic.

Where are you in
your transition?

Oh, I still need a lot of work.

'Cause I haven't even
gotten highlights

or advice on which skirt
length is in this season.

Well, you have an
amazing tape job.

Oh, I sure do!

We're taping it all up!

Snap!

They thought you
were a transsexual?

I have big hands.

Yes, I met this Adonis at the
dog park six months ago.

You know, sometimes
when the light

catches his hair just
right, I say to myself,

"I'm the luckiest
man in the world""

Yeah, and we have super gay
sex, like, 24 hours a day.

There you are.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was so selfish.

I want the mess, I want you.

I want you in my room,
I want you in my life.

Hey, your boyfriend's
kissing a pregnant girl.

What's going on here?

I don't know, but I intend
to find out immediately.

Get away from him!

He's my boyfriend!

Huh?

Zack is my boyfriend.

That's why I can't
go out with Jerome.

Oh... Oh!

You didn't tell me you had a
hot little piece on the side,

you bastard!

Don't see why I can't be
with the both of you.

There's enough of
me to go around.

It'll be a cold day in hell

before I share you with anyone.

You don't deserve him.

Call me.

And it turns out that
the cute bartender

was involved in this
incestuous little freak show,

and the sad thing:
I'm so lonely,

I was actually kind
of jealous, uh-huh.

Well, you have no reason
to be jealous of anyone.

Because even though
I just met you,

I can tell that you have a
lot to give to someone.

And whoever ends up getting you

is going to be really,
really lucky.

Do you have a gay
man in your life?

No.

Well, you do now.