Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 15 - Back to School - full transcript

I'm not sure how I feel about

you guys blowing on my
table for two hours.

I can't talk now.

Must save breath! Yes!

Oh.

Feeling a little light-headed.

Awesome.

Hi. Hi.

Here's something
addressed to you

from Genesee High School.

You guys were the Bombers, huh?



I like those cute little
smiley bomb mascots you have.

Yeah, our hometown is where they
made all the nuclear bombs.

A little less cute now.

Dude, sweet.

It's our five-year reunion.

Five-year reunion?

What's the point of that?

It's only fun if more
time has passed,

and everyone's made a bunch
of terrible choices.

Then you see some
real disasters.

You know, people whose lives

aren't going anywhere.

Or maybe five years
is long enough.

We'll have fun!



Oh. Uh, we?

Oh, I just thought you and I... No,
that's fine. I just thought...

Do you not want me to? No,
I just assumed you...

'Cause, I mean, I...
Because we all...

I mean, I was just...

I'm sorry, I was just
trying to fit in.

Look, if-if you want to
go, I want you to go.

Great.

So wait, I'm going, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I am so large!

All right, I give up.

Punch two arm holes
in a shower curtain

and let's just do this.

Sweetie, you barely
fit into the closet

that you're pulling
clothes out of.

Why would you invite yourself

to his high school reunion?

Why don't any of these
shoes fit my feet?

Oh, what's happened
is, your feet

are growing to support the extra
pressure from your massive body.

It's nature's way of

keeping you from toppling over.

But in anticipation
of this problem,

we did a little
inventive shopping.

Oh, yes.

We bought you a pair of
shoes in your new size.

"Discreet Transition."

That's a tranny store.

I'm not gonna wear tranny shoes!

That is a line I will not cross.

Oh, my God, these
are really cute.

And so are you.

And so, in case you have
a moment of insecurity,

I want you take this
pre-pregnancy photo

out of your purse
and look at it,

because you will look
like this again.

Except your feet.

And your boobies.

Oh, and your lady business. Ooh!

All right, you stay out

of my lady business.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be more than fine.

I am going to make this
Saturday night my bitch.

Wait. Saturday night?

That's when you said you'd
host that cocktail party

so that I can sell
my Acai Magna.

Saturday night's my bitch.

What is Acai Magna?

Oh, what a good
question, Olivia.

If I told you I had
a miracle juice

that could deliver antioxidants
and help fight free radicals,

how much would you
be willing to pay?

$600?

$800?

I promise.

Use this for one night, and you
will feel relaxed, energized,

with a huge smile on your face.

Where do I put the batteries?

Oh. Grow up. Grow up.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Accidentally on Purpose 1x15 Original
Air Date on February 8, 2010

Come on, come on.

All right, what's the game?

Okay, it's called
Awakenings, like the movie.

Yeah. Just stare off into
space, work up a little drool

and try to catch the ball
without looking at it.

All right.

Dude, I can't believe

you invited Billie
to the reunion.

Oh, me, neither.
How'd that happen?

One minute I'm innocently blowing
a pencil across a table,

next thing I know,

I'm at the reunion with
my pregnant girlfriend,

proving all the guidance
counselors right.

Well, uh,

what did you tell
Billie about Melissa?

Nothing. What was
I gonna tell her?

"Oh, hey, Billie, let me tell
you about my ex-girlfriend,

the bikini model who
writes me on Facebook ""

"Oh, yeah, and here
she is in Maxim

wearing a snake as a thong."

Listen, Melissa is
ancient history,

and regardless of how
intense it was, it's over.

Also, I checked her
Facebook status,

and she's in Guatemala
getting photographed naked

on a Mayan pyramid.

You know, I bet if the
Mayans knew she was coming,

they would have stuck around.

You guys, I cannot wait
till this reunion.

It's going to be crazy.

Why would you come
to the reunion?

You didn't go to
our high school.

Our black guy's
name wasn't Ryan.

Because I'm a reunion-crasher.

I mean, open bar, free food

and sad girls realizing

that the grand scheme
just isn't working out

so now they're desperately
looking for a plan B.

And that plan B is me.

All right, Davis, you're up, man.
You ready?

All right. Let me show
you how a pro does this.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Damn it!

Zack?

I'm so glad you made it!

Tracy?

"Tracy DeLace.

Hot except her fa.. ""

How are you?

Uh, this is my, uh,
girlfriend, Billie.

Hi. I'm here to give the
anti-teen pregnancy talk.

I'm just kidding.

It's a miracle.

So, Zack, do you still keep
in touch with Melissa?

Melissa?

I don't really remember Melissa.

You don't remember
your girlfriend

for all four years
of high school?

You guys were inseparable.

Remember those T-shirts that
said Zalissa on the front?

Get it? Like Brangelina, except Zack
and Melissa. They were really cute.

Remember when you got
your period in gym class?

Memories, huh?

I'll see you out there.

H-Hey, Tracy.

I see you switched to the
smaller-sized glasses

since we graduated.

Hello, Davis.

I was just doing some reading
about you in the girls' bathroom.

That's still there?

It's not true, okay?

Everything seems smaller to
those volleyball amazons.

Hi.

Uh...

What? Come on, girl,
you don't remember me?

It's me.

Jabari.

Okay, here's a hint.

I was the black kid
in your math class.

Oh, of course you were.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry?

Yeah, I heard that before.

Wow. So this is your gym.

Who's Melissa?

Oh, she was this
nut job I dated.

She was definitely not pretty
enough to justify the crazy.

You know, a seven in looks,
but with an eleven's crazy.

Not like you, though.

You could be locked
in a padded room,

and you could pull it off
because you're so hot.

Where is that bartender?

So, do you still have
the Zalissa T-shirt?

It's a cute nickname.

Maybe we should have
shirts made up for us.

We could call ourselves Zillie.

Or Back.

I'm not uncomfortable.

Hey! Mrs. Leeds!

It's me,

Liz, from your homeroom!

It's so good to see you again!

Um... No.

Yeah... You guys, it's Mrs.
Leeds!

She rocks!

Oh, my God, Mrs. Leeds,
are you pregnant?

I am not Mrs. Leeds, and
please stop shouting that.

This is my girlfriend, Billie.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

You look exactly like Mrs.
Leeds, though.

Well, I'm not.

Don't worry about it, though.

People on the street
stop me all the time

and mistake me for Mrs. Leeds.

They also mistake
me for Uma Thurman.

Why don't you start
shouting that?

Who's Uma Thurman?

Hmm.

By the way, Mrs. Leeds was the
hottest teacher in school.

Well, ladies,

as I was saying,
acai is Peruvian

for glow.

And boat.

So,

who would like to be the
first to place an order

for this life-giving
miracle juice?

Okay.

Well, I just need to
check on something

in the kitchen.

Oh, Abby, Abby, Abby.

I'm just gonna hit the road.

I'm in big trouble, Olivia.

I took

the money that Nick was saving

to buy that really
fancy telescope,

thinking that I
would make it back,

plus enough for a
vacation at Sandals.

Now Nick won't get
his telescope,

and there won't be hugging
under a waterfall.

And when I say hugging,
I mean intercourse.

All right. Look, calm down.

I think I can help you out here.

All right, now this
cranberry juice

just needs a little
bit of a kick, okay?

So... Aha.

Nothing like a
little bit of vodka

to grease the
wheels of commerce.

It isn't cranberry juice,

and changing the product
is not ethical.

Look, do you want
to have intercourse

under a waterfall or not?

I do. I so do.

Then get pouring.

It's really etched in there.

Mm.

If it takes me all night, I'm
gonna scrape this thing out,

because it's not true, okay?

I'm, I'm normal.

I am perfectly
proportional for my frame.

Nah, man, these keys
aren't gonna cut it.

You got anything bigger?

My bad.

♪ ♪

Hey, if we were in high
school at the same time,

we'd probably be an item, huh?

Oh, yeah, I'd hit that.

So romantic.

You'd carry my books for me...

Make out under the bleachers.

And then you'd tell your friends
we did more than we did.

And then I'd be all mad at
you 'cause you said that.

But then I'd do it anyway just
to get back at my parents.

Mm-hmm.

Zack?

It is you!

You look so grown up!

Hey, Melissa, you look...

Hey, Melissa!

Uh, Melissa, this is my

girlfriend, Billie.

And Billie, this is Melissa,

who was not supposed to be here.

My modeling shoot in Guatemala

got cancelled at
the last minute.

There was, like, a
"coop" or something.

I think it's pronounced coup.

You're very wise.

Anyway, it's just
so good to see you.

I love your hair like this.

And I love your hands like this.

Did Zack tell you the story

about how I got him those
three tattoos on his arm?

No. Did he tell you the story

about how he got me pregnant,
and we're living together?

Actually, he did.

We've been staying in
touch on Facebook.

Did you see those pictures

I posted from spring
break in Lake Havasu?

Oh, my God, we looked so young!

Can you excuse us
just for one second?

Sure.

Love your shoes, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

My Aunt Steven has
the same pair.

I really like her!

You see, this is why I
didn't want to bring you.

I knew it. I knew you
didn't want to bring me!

No, I think you are hot and
awesome and I love you, okay?

I just thought that this might
be a rough night for you.

And guess what?

It's a rough night for you.

Why didn't you just
tell me about Melissa?

Because I didn't know
she was gonna be here!

Well, it was a good
thing that she was,

or I never would've found out

about your secret
Facebook relationship.

It's not a relationship.

She sends me hot
photos of herself,

and I forward them
to my friends.

I'm joking.

See, tell me she doesn't

look like an older, pregnant Mrs.
Leeds.

Shut it down, Liz.

Isn't it crazy how much fatter
people can get after five years?

Trip McCullough's shirt

looks like it's trying
to choke him to death.

I know, and did you see that
woman that Zack came with?

I didn't even know you could have
a baby when you're that old.

You're such a bitch.

You are.

Let's go make out
with each other

to get boys' attention.

You're so pretty.

I do the same thing sometimes.

Hey, Jabari, having fun?

Are you kidding me, Tracy?

Jabari brings the
party with him!

You know what's weird?

I was talking to some people,

and they reminded me
about your accident.

Didn't you lose an arm?

Yes, he did.

Show her your
prosthetic arm, Jabari.

This here's a good one.

It's Swiss.

I can make my fingers
move with my mind waves.

Watch the pinky.

But it's got no feeling in it.

Watch, we love doing this.

Isn't that incredible?

Cool! Well, I have to check
some more people in.

So, I'll see you guys later.

That was so much fun!

We rock!

Uh-huh!

Ooh, how much money did we make?

Oh, well, I made $3,000,

and you made a friend for life.

I don't need a friend,
I need $1,500.

I want my cut, lady.

Don't make me go all
Glasgow on your ass.

Okay, but I made the
initial investment, so...

Yes, which you were about to
lose before I stepped in, so...

Okay, you know what?

I am sure there is a way we
can figure to split the money

that will be fair
for both of us.

But first, a toast.

Oh.

To good friends doing honest
business with each other.

Ha. Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Now stop wasting good
booze in that plant

and pour me another one.

Davis, what are you doing
in the girls' room?

With a knife?!

Oh, yeah, well,

somebody carved "Davis
has a small penis"

in the bathroom stall,

but, uh, I took care of that.

Don't worry about what
those girls said, okay?

After seeing Melissa,

I could tell why Zack
didn't want me here.

Don't worry about Melissa, okay?

She's half the woman you are.

I don't really want to
get into it, but, uh,

that girl does not know
the meaning of the words,

"I'm in a relationship."

Start talking or
I'm gonna scream

"That guy with the tiny
penis has a knife!"

All right.

When Zack and Melissa
were dating,

she cheated on him with
this really disgusting guy.

Me.

Davis!

I know, it's like the worst thing
I've ever done in my life,

but they were, they were going
through this rough patch,

and she came over to my house,
all hurt and vulnerable.

Her thin blouse clinging
to her supple...

Davis. Yes?

And Zack doesn't know?

No, no, no one does.

I mean, it never really seemed
like the right time to tell him

because he's always been so much
bigger and stronger than me.

But that's not the point,
okay; this girl Melissa,

she has no boundaries,
she's got no ethics.

So, if I was you,

I'd slap on some lipstick
and fix up your hair and...

You don't like my hair?

I think it's fun.
Yeah, it's a blast.

Now, get out there and show
her what you're made of.

I'm not going to walk out there
and make an ass of myself.

Billie, Melissa's moving
back to San Francisco.

Well, if I'm gonna
kick some ass,

at least I'm wearing
men's shoes.

Are these turkey sliders?

Oh!

Mmm...

♪ ♪

Why are you kissing
Donny Shapiro?

Dude, I just kissed Mrs. Leeds!

Boy, that Donny Shapiro
had a long tongue.

Look, it's, it's my fault, okay?

I should have told
you about Melissa.

I was worried you were
going to be jealous.

And she's young and hot,
she's got a great body...

Skip to the end,
skip to the end.

But...

But there's nothing for
you to be jealous about.

Okay? I mean,

I never trusted her.

I never felt safe with her
the way I feel with you.

I feel the same way about you.

It feels so good to be open
and honest with each other.

Zack, I have something
I need to tell you.

Yeah?

Remember in junior year, when
you and Melissa got in that

massive fight at Rob
O'Donnel's house,

and then you kind of bailed?

Well, I was consoling her, you
know, 'cause she was really,

really, really sad and, uh,
the really weird thing is...

we cheated on you.

Yeah, dude, you
tell me every year

when you get drunk on
Jewish Forgive Me Day.

I slept with Melissa, man.

She just kept coming at me.

I was like "Oy, vey!"

Oh.

Did you forgive me?

Not the first year.

The first year I beat
the crap out of you.

That was you?

Man, I reported that
as a hate crime.

Well, I think the
most important thing

that we take away
from all of this

is that forgiveness is divine.

And Melissa is a skanky ho.

I never knew that
about Bette Davis.

Jabari, that was amazing.

That hand is really flexible.

Yeah, those Swiss really
know how to make a nice arm.

Look, I really want to see you
again, so here's my number,

and, uh, so you don't lose it.

I'm gonna call you, girl.