Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 16 - Face Off - full transcript

Oh, God!

See, this is why I do
not play basketball.

You fell running back
from the souvlaki truck.

Davis, hurry up! Yeah.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Whoa.

Come on, I think there's some
Band-Aids in the bathroom.

I don't know what that was,

but it wasn't hummus.

Well, what do we have here?

Hey, guys.



Zack, this is Nicole.

She's the best baby nurse
in the whole city.

The couple she was
supposed to work for

just got indicted for fraud, so,
they don't need a baby nurse,

'cause their baby nurse is
now the State of California.

Isn't that great?

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

What's a baby nurse?

Oh.

She'll be spending
the night with us

for the first couple
weeks to help us out.

And if she's not here,
my mother will be here,

so I don't think I need
to finish that thought.

Oh, what happened to your knee?



Oh, just, you know,
sports injury.

Damn, my extreme
manly athleticism.

Oh, my God, it's
really bleeding!

Oh, okay, why don't I
help you with that?

Oh.

I also have a spider
bite on my tushy.

She's so fantastic, I didn't
even interview anyone else.

She just knocked it
out of the park.

I've got a nursing
degree from Cal,

a long list of references,

and for what it's worth,

I think you're going
to be a great mother.

And I'd never believe
you were 37.

You're hired.

What made you decide to do this?

My mom called and she's like,

"You're never going to be
able to handle a baby."

I'm like, "Are you calling me

just to make me feel
bad about myself?"

She's like, "No, I'm calling
to pay for a baby nurse."

So I'm like, "All right.
I love you. Bye."

How's that?

Perfect.

I'm telling you, Zack,

she is our savior.

You and I've been doing
things all wrong.

All wrong.

Like that changing table...

What's wrong with
the changing table?

I built that changing table.

Nicole said it's a death trap.

It's fine.

My mom used to change
me on a hibachi grill.

She also said you'd make
a sarcastic remark.

Did she say I'd make
an obscene gesture?

Some nurse lady I
don't even know

is in there baby proofing.

You know how hard it is

to take a pee in the
middle of the night

with a lock on your toilet?

Dude, I can see how
you might feel

like she's encroaching
on your turf,

but you got to look at
it like this, man...

she is hot.

I mean, what does a
baby nurse even do?

In the middle of the night,

she squeezes Billie's breasts
to get the milk out.

Are you ready, Billie?

Are you kidding?

This is my favorite
time of night.

See? I feel like I
should be consulted

on who's squeezing
Billie's breasts at night.

Well, I'm glad you're
open to suggestion,

because I would like to
throw my hat into the ring.

I mean, come on, Zack, like you
wouldn't have chosen Nicole?

No, I wouldn't have, man.

She's got the crazy eyes.

Remember that girl I dated a
couple times last year...

Candy?

Oh, Candy.

I miss Candy.

Well, this chick Nicole gives me

the same crazy vibe
that Candy did.

Oh, hey!

Nicole, is it?

Remember me fr the bathroom?

Knee's never been better.

I can kick, I can jump.

Ah! Hammy.

Dude, settle.

Come on, let's go to Furniken

so we can return the
changing table.

Oh, yeah, just give
me an hour or two

and then I'll take it apart.

Oh, I did it already.

It took me, like, three minutes.

Three minutes?

I love you.

I mean, thank you. Oh, screw it,

I frickin' love you.

So, Abby and Olivia

are going to meet
us at Furniken,

'cause Olivia has to pick
out a present for her mom.

Ah, the whole day
with just us girls?

Maybe our periods will sync up.

Okay...

usually when we leave,
you guys leave, so...

Who wants to race
me to the door?

Uh-uh, I don't think so, Mama.

It's March Madness, and you've
got the sports package.

I do not have the
sports package.

What is he talking about?

I bought it without asking you.

Imagine that.

All right, listen.

Stay away from Nicole.

Do not talk to her,

do not accidentally grind
on her as she walks by.

And don't do that thing
where you fake choke

so that she has to give
you mouth-to-mouth.

I was really choking.

You had an erection.

Everybody has that.

It's called a
near-death erection.

Well, you're going to have
another near-death erection

if you bother Nicole.

Do not even think about it.

Ease up, brain sheriff.

I won't even think about it.

It's kind of hot in here.

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Accidentally on Purpose1x16 Face Off
Original Air Date on April 7, 2010

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

Nicole packed me almonds.

"Don't forget your Kegels!"

Those are these exercises you do

to strengthen your
pelvic floor muscles.

Yeah, you told me.

Makes your vagina bionic.

I'm going to go
grab us a number.

Zack, get those chairs before
the family gets in there.

That old lady looks tired.
Go, go!

I need to buy my mum
a birthday present.

What do you get an angry
65-year-old Scottish alcoholic

who has everything because
she's also a kleptomaniac?

Oh, I'm sure you'll
find something,

because you are in
the right place.

Swedes are known for their
festive kitchen items.

How do you know that?

Oh, I love this place.

Ever since I bought my first
Furniken cookie sheet,

I have been fascinated
with Nordic culture.

Did you know

that Vikings invented
nonconsensual sex?

141.

And they are on ten.

If we estimate five minutes
for every person in here,

I'll be giving birth
in this chair.

If my water breaks,
I'm cutting in line.

Oh, this is great. I'd
much rather be here

than watching basketball
with my friends.

Okay, that's like the
fourth snarky thing

you've said in the
last ten minutes.

And you're ruining the
word snarky for me,

'cause here a snarky is fried
dough dipped in powdered sugar.

Look, I'm just kind of pissed
about this whole Nicole thing.

At least you could've discussed
it with me before you hired her.

I had to move fast.

There were other
couples after her.

Okay, let me ask you this:

What if you came home and found
out that I had hired somebody

to take care of something
without asking you?

Like, I don't know,
a sex person.

"A sex person?"

Yeah, you walk in and
me and some girl

5Pare going to town on each othr
and I look over at you and say,

"It's okay, Billie. My
mom's paying for this!"

I would be happy

that your mom is finally
willing to pony up some money.

It's just, if you
would've included,

I could've told you that
I had a gut feeling

that something was
wrong with Nicole.

Nicole is sweet and nurturing,

and an excellent choice.

And my gut is three times
the size of yours.

So, my gut is smarter.

Apple sauce, milady?

No, thank you.

I'm going to stick with water.

Mmm.

Oh.

I'm such a klutz.

You really work up a
sweat baby proofing.

Yes.

The ventilation is subpar.

So, who's playing?

Uh, uh, Texas and Marquette.

Who are you guys rooting for?

I need Texas and Ryan
needs Marquette.

So do you guys want
to do a three-way?

Whoa!

Oh. Uh...

that is so sweet.

Uh...

Oh, uh...

for legal reasons, I think
we should clarify here.

Okay?

Now, are you are talking about you
having sex with the both of us

at the same time?

Yes.

Now, are you willing to sign
something to that effect?

Look, I'm going to
go take a shower.

And if you're naked
when I get back....

I'll know we're on.

Dude, what are you doing?!

What are you doing?

When you roll with the big dog,

this is the kind of
stuff that happens.

This has never happened to you.

I know, I'm scared.

What do you think we should do?

Relax, okay, we don't have
to make any decisions yet.

But just to be safe,

I'm gonna go hose down
the undercarriage.

Yeah, that's a good call.

I'd love to get a new couch.

But Nick can't part with ours.

Our cat had kittens on it

and then a couple years later,
Nick's grandmother died

on that couch.

Why?

Were you telling one of
your fascinating stories?

Someone's in a mood.

I think buying a gift

for your mother is bringing

some dark stuff up
to the surface.

Every year I buy her a
gift and send it off,

and she finds some
reason to hate it.

Well, then why do
you keep doing it?

Because she's my mum!

Olivia?

Olivia, come on, open the door.

No, I'm never coming out!

Oh...

Hells bells.

121.

Yay! We're in the 120s.

Let's get everything ready.

Do you have the receipt?

I thought you had it.

Crap.

Riccola.

Dry hair shampoo.

Button that exploded
off my pants.

Condom?

Oh, there you are.

Eight months too late.

Damn, I must have left
it at the apartment.

Zack! What?

Call Nicole.

Nicole taught me how to do that.

She's not picking up.

Oh, that's great.

Hey, Nicole, I was just
calling to check on my baby,

but you're not there, so...

maybe you sold it.

I'm sure there's a
reasonable explanation.

I don't just jump to
those conclusions,

because unlike you, I
have life experience.

Yeah, you're old, I got it.

I'm just saying, I know people.

And Nicole is a
really good person.

Nicole's a really dirty person.

She's been in there
a really long time.

And she's probably really soapy.

God, man, what happens if
we, like, make eye contact?

I was having some

"Davis time" in the
bathroom last week,

made eye contact with
myself in the mirror.

Mirror me looked at the real me

and made this really
disgusting face.

Neither of us stopped, though.

We both just powered through.

Now, whenever I catch
myself in the mirror,

there's this really
weird hatred.

But also attraction.

It's very awkward.

Davis, man, there
is a girl in there!

Hello?

Hey, dude, question.

Can you check the apartment,
see if we left the receipt?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

I have a question for you.

Uh, hypothetically speaking...

And by "hypothetically"

I mean this is actually
about to happen...

How would you feel
about me and Ryan

having a three-way
with your baby nurse?

That's not going to happen.

No, dude, it is!

It was her idea. You
were right about her.

She is crazy.

Is it there?

Oh, yeah, he found it.

I bet Nicole is the
one who found it.

Tell him I'll be there
in ten minutes.

Tell you what.

We never spoke about this,
but wait about nine minutes

and then give her the best
two minutes of her life.

♪ ♪

Before we go in there
to do this threesome,

we gotta straighten
something out.

If Nicole was like the
state of California,

do you see yourself spending
more time up in San Francisco?

Or down in San Diego?

I see myself in Fresno.

What?

Oh.

What the hell is going on here?

Uh, uh...

Well, we definitely weren't
going to have a threesome

with your baby nurse.

I told you not to
even think about it.

And by the way, my
mom is from Fresno!

I didn't think about it.
It was her idea.

We were just being polite, and
we didn't do anything anyway,

because we're terrified. Yeah.

You expect me to believe that?

My lovely, sweet,
professional Nicole,

who is working her fingers to the bone
to make this space safe for my baby,

actually propositioned
the two of you?

Are we gonna do this, or... Oh!

Okay, couple of things.

One, is that my teddy?

Two... so that's what my
teddy's supposed to look like.

And three, you are so fired,

we need a new word for "fired,"

but since fired is what you
are, let's just go with fired.

Can I still put you
down as a reference?

Are you crazy?

A little bit.

Oh, my God, I'm so
wrong about Nicole,

and I made such a big
deal about it with Zack.

Oh, my God, I'm never going
to live this down with him.

Hey, how about we just keep
this whole Nicole thing

between us?

Yeah, no problem.

I mean, you don't tell someone
you almost went to Fresno.

Whatever is going on
between you and your mom

has got to stop.

And we're going to
call her right now.

There is no gift more valuable
than a daughter's love.

It's 5:00 a.m. in Scotland.

So she'll just be getting
back from the pub,

or she'll just be
arriving at the pub.

Either way, I'll call the pub.

841-810...

I can't do it. You talk to her.

Hello.

Is Mrs. Hollenbeck there?

Oh, hi.

This is your daughter
Olivia's American friend Abby

calling from America.

No, I can't light your
cigarette through the phone.

What good am I?

Anyway, I understand you two

have been having
some difficult...

Well, it is my business,
because she's my friend.

Yes, I do know that dirty word,

and I don't appreciate
being called that.

Okay, well, you can
just take this phone

and stick it in your pie hole,
you half-witted leprechaun!

So Mom says hi.

Oh.

She was wearing your fancy teddy?
Mm.

If you were going to seduce two
men in someone else's apartment,

you should really bring
your own lingerie.

And that's just good manners.

That was my first
decision as a mom.

And what did I do?

I chose an impolite sex maniac
with extremely low standards.

So, are you going
to get a new nurse?

No, I'm going to keep
this baby inside of me

where he is safe from my
poor decision-making.

I've been working on my Kegels.

I'll just seal that sucker up.

This big already...
I can go bigger.

I'll keep him in there
till he's nine.

If I can go to nine,
I can go to 18.

And once he's 18...

I'll plop him out, and he
can make his own decisions.

It's so simple, I don't know why
no one's ever thought of it.

What is it you're
so worried about?

That I'm going to
be a terrible mom.

And then what is my kid
going to think of me?

Well, I can say with
complete confidence

that I recently spoke with
one of the worst mothers

on the face of the planet.

And this little pumpkin here

comes every year to this
store to get her a gift

for her obscene, horrible,
racist, drunken...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't forget cheap.

Cheap, sour hag of a mother.

And why does she do this?

'Cause I love my mum.

Because she loves her mom.

Okay, I got the receipt.

A lot of traffic... that's
what took me so long.

Oh, and I let Nicole go.

Really?

But she was so perfect.

What could have happened?

You know, I did a
lot of thinking,

and I realized that I was wrong

not to consult you
in the first place.

It was hard for me, but
I'm giving in this time.

So let's just say
you owe me one.

Hey, I appreciate that,
but she was great.

We should really go with her.

No, it's too late. It's, it's done, no.
How do you know that?

We should really give her a call
before she gets another job.

She moved to Chicago.

Today?

I know, weird, right?

That's too bad, but I really
think we should give her a call

and have a conversation,

between the three of us.

A three-way.

You ass.

I think from now on,
I should be involved

in picking our baby nurse.

Yes, please.

Because I think my instincts about
people are way better than yours.

Why do you say that?

Well, you picked me,
but I picked you.

141.

Oh, my God, it's us!

Coming.

Be there in a month.

This is a receipt from Arby's.

I like this table.

Me, too.