Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 17 - Speed - full transcript

Hey. Yo.

How come you're wearing a suit?

This is jeans and a jacket.

Wait.

So, what's a suit?

Zack, look who I got
into her party pants.

At this point, the party in
my pants is not so exciting.

I wish I was a movie critic,

so I could be going to a
fancy movie premiere...

Getting out of a limo,
posing for the paparazzi,

eating free popcorn.



It's so glamorous.

Abby, I promise I'll bring
you to the next one.

It's just the baby's coming
in three weeks, and...

Whoa, three weeks?

Holy crap. I thought
you said two months.

Yeah, a month and a half ago.

I just want to have one last
special night with Zack

while my breasts
are still breasts

and not just vending machines.

I can't believe it.

Next time I go to
a movie premiere

I'm going to be a mother.

Take a left on Geary.

Ah, next time we
make a left on Geary



I'm going to be a mother.

Yep, and next time I see

two trannies making
out at a bus stop,

I'm gonna be a dad.

Are we being pulled over?

Aw, we're running late.

They're going to give away
our seats at the premiere.

Man!

Now I got soda running
down my butt crack.

Ooh, it's fizzy.

What's the rush?

Uh, sorry, Officer.

I-I was just, um...

I was...

Did your water just break?

Are you going into labor?

Yes. Yes.

Yes, that is exactly

what is happening.

That is such a good idea.

Yeah, why else would
I run a red light?

I got you for speeding.

Are you saying you
also ran a red light?

Whoa! Oh, God, they're
getting closer!

Officer, it would be
so fun to go over

all of the various
infractions my...

Oh, what the hell...
Husband here committed,

but if I weren't wearing tights,

you would see that
I am crowning.

So thank you so much, but I
think we got it from here.

Which hospital are
you headed to?

The one that's this way.

It's San Francisco Medical.

He doesn't know
where anything is.

It's amazing I
even got pregnant.

Okay, I'm going to give you an escort.
Follow me.

This is really exciting.

Wait, no, no, you don't
have to do that.

Follow me! Exciting!

Are we going to get
away with this?

Who cares? This is awesome.
We have a police escort.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Accidentally on Purpose1x17 Speed
Original Air Date on April 14, 2010

Well, we're definitely going
to be late for the premiere,

but screw it.

How great is a police escort?

It's a lot more fun when
the cop's in front of you.

Uh, all right, so when
we get to the hospital,

I'm gonna drop you off
at the front door

and pick you up at the back door.
It'd be really cool

if you just jumped in and
I never had to stop.

But don't do that.

I won't.

Not because I'm pregnant,

but because I'm not
wearing the right shoes.

I'm gonna call Abby.

Hello.

Hey, it's Billie.

Um, Zack and I are in
a little situation.

So until we can get there,
can you go to the premiere

and hold our seats?

I suppose I could do that.

Billie wants us to go to
the premiere for her.

Let's just grab a stroller and
get the hell out of here.

I don't like this one.

The lumbar support is terrible.

And I don't understand the
purpose of these bees.

Oh, they buzz.

That's pretty cool.

Okay, we got to get this one.

$400?!

Aw...

"Bees sold separately"?

Oh, what do they need a
fancy stroller for, anyway?

When I was a girl
growing up in Scotland,

my mother used to push me
around in a wheelbarrow

filled with dead rabbits

and spent ammunition.

Yeah, I say we just
get the breast pump.

That thing tickled.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maybe this guy can help us out.

He looks like one of my kind.

You mean an online
community college dropout?

God, you are flirtatious today.

Hey, uh, yo.

On break. Talk to Kathy.

She'll be very
excited to help you.

Actually, I was hoping that you
could help me out, "broseph."

Oh, I don't have anything
on me right now, man.

But if you come back at 5:00,
my boy Kwami will hook you up.

My friends and I are
looking for a "stroller,"

if you know what I mean.

I do if you mean you're
looking for a stroller.

We could really use
a discount, though,

if you know what I'm saying.

I do if you mean you
want to pay less money.

See? It's unspoken.

No, it's spoken.

Are these two cool?

Man, I am more than cool.

I'm black.

Look...

employee discount covers
immediate family members, also.

So give me some cash,

and I'll get you any
stroller for half off.

But one of you has
to be my brother.

Probably me.

All right, it's go time.

Just as soon as I
finish this game.

You do realize that's
a calculator, right?

No wonder this was so hard.

Ah, you weren't kidding about
this police escort, huh?

That's how I do things... Hardcore.
If you're my friend,

I'm the best thing that
ever happened to you.

If you're my enemy, I will hunt
you down and it will end badly

for you and everyone
you care about.

So, anyway, you have
been wonderful.

I mean, what is the opposite
of police brutality?

Police total awesomeness?

Okay, you stay with her, I'm
going to try and find a nurse.

God, this guy's not leaving

until he sees my cervix.

This is your lucky day.

This is my girlfriend Brenda.

She just started her shift.

Hi, guys. This is exciting.

That's what I said.

Could this have worked
out any better, or what?

I don't think so.

I mean, you are a cop,
your girlfriend's a nurse.

The only way this could
be more fantastic

is if your dad was
a pediatrician.

No, he's a bail bondsman.

I'll take his card.

Look...

there's the red carpet.

Wait. Final check before our
first red carpet photo session.

Panty line? Clear.

How about me... Uh,
any twitching?

Oh, the right eye just a little.

Uh-huh.

Okay, so remember, we're
going to take our time.

Step, pose, smile.
Step, pose, smile.

Fiona, who are you wearing?

Are you in Tiger's speed dial?

Okay, we're up.
Posture, posture.

Oh, it's nobody.

They must have won a contest.

Dude, you okay?

I just get really nervous
when I have to lie to Robbie.

The dude's like a Jedi.

I swear to God, one day he
choked me from across a room.

All right, just calm down
and keep it short, okay?

The less words, the fewer.

Here he comes.

Ian...

Once again, there's
coleslaw in your beard.

How can I help you folks?

Uh, Robbie,

this is my brother Don... ovan.

And, uh, his wife Marcy.

And their cool friend... Lynx.

They're visiting from Las Vegas,

where Donovan repairs
video poker machines

and Marcy works as a hostess...
cup... cupcakes...

Marketing executive.

Because that's where the Hostess
corporate headquarters is.

Anyway, they're
pregnant, and, uh,

I told them I could get that
stroller, uh, with my discount,

because they're
visiting from Vegas.

Ian, for the last time,

they don't have to be your family
members to get the discount.

It's your discount.

Anyone you want can use it.

Is he trying to trick me?

Dude, I got to get a job here,

because clearly you
cannot be fired.

Okay, great.

All filled out.

Mr. and Mrs. Frizinshinson.

That's us.

We've got to get you a room.

Your water broke, missy.

This baby is coming.

You know, I think only
some of it broke.

Because it still feels
pretty sloshy in there.

Maybe I just need to drink some
Gatorade and top off the tank.

Oh, good.

It is so important to
have a sense of humor

when dealing with the horrific
pain you're about to go through.

All right, let's get
the hell out of here.

Uh, I can walk.

Yeah, like a fat
guy in quicksand.

Whoa!

Okay.

Okay, you know what?

This was fun at first, but
now it's getting ridiculous.

I'm just going to go tell
the cop that we were late

for a thing, and we were
trying to get out of a ticket.

It happens all the time. He'll
probably think it's funny...

Or shoot us... either way.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you

not to do that.

Why?

It's just one ticket.

Which, when you add to
the other four I have,

makes five.

Five tickets?

Well, six if you count
that scary red envelope

I got in the mail.

What did it say?

The words that popped out
were "failure to comply,"

"warrant for your arrest,"

and "this is the last
notice you will receive."

And then I never heard
from them again.

Okay, so I'm not going
to the premiere,

the father of my
baby is a fugitive,

and we're stuck in a closet
with some questionable fumes.

The fumes are bleach.

Thank God you're here.

I can't believe you
didn't tell me that.

Is there anything
else I should know?

I didn't pay my taxes last year.

I'm kidding. I never
pay my taxes.

Wow, tough closet.

Zack, this is no joke.

If you get caught, you
could go to jail.

But a more pressing concern...

I have to tinkle like
nobody's business.

I can take care of that.

How? How can you
take care of that?

Ta-da!

Wow, you are my knight
in shining armor.

Put tube "A" into slot "C."

Fine!

Just let me finish putting
the stroller together first.

You're making a mess of it.

Just hold the thing still.

Looks like we're
all out of hands.

I've wanted this for so long.

I know.

You are one sexy Scotswoman.

You are hotter than
a pan of haggis.

That's so dirty.

Oh, I'm sorry for all

the insulting things
I've said about you.

That's okay. Most
of them are true.

The fox has left the hen house.

It's just us. We
don't need a code.

Copy that, Flying Squirrel.

How much time do we have?

Twice as much time as we need.

Your pants are vibrating.

I'm sorry. This has never
happened to me before.

No, it's your phone.

Oh, right. Of course.

'Cause I can go for hours.

Man!

I'm sorry, Olivia.
I've got to go.

I've got to go help
Billie and Zack.

So you just drop everything
and run whenever they call?

God, you are such
a little bitch.

You're the bitch, bitch.

Okay! Okay.

I'll be right back, okay?

Just don't go anywhere.

Start without me.

Well, the mop isn't in there.

I just don't know
where it could be.

I better go fill out a report.

Wow.

I'll never be able to hear the
words "policeman's ball" again

without laughing.

You noticed that, too?

There's something there.

Hey, buddy, can you move?

I'll take that as a "no."

Okay, new plan. We're going
to fashion a cow costume

out of this gauze, and then
we'll just mosey on out of here

like a cow walking
out of a hospital.

I've got to tell you,

this whole adorable thing that
normally works for you...

It's not really
working right now.

How about now?

Hey... look, look, look!

I know you're 22.

And you should be able to
screw up and laugh it off,

and as soon as you take your
shirt off, everybody loves you.

I was the same way.

But we have to grow up, and
we have, like, three weeks

in which to do that, because
I don't think our baby

is going to find
any of this funny.

Are you crying?

I don't know.

It might be the bleach.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Okay, I can grow
up in three weeks.

I mean, I learned sophomore
year Spanish in three weeks.

Really?

Oui.

Why would I think anybody
would care about me?

Do you want to try walking
down the red carpet again?

What? Did you not hear the
names they called us?

And that was off the
top of their head.

Now they've had time to think.

The only people getting their
pictures taken are fancy people.

Or someone standing
next to fancy people.

There are bodyguards.
It's all roped off.

We can't just run up there
like they're giving away hams.

Or can we?

What are you doing
with your epi pen?

Did you touch a peanut?
Or get stung by a bee?

Roll up your pant leg.
Let's do this.

Just go with me.

We're having an emergency.

Oh. Oh!

Did anybody lose an epi thingy?

Oh, my God! It's my husband's!

He just touched a peanut!

Coming through! Excuse me!

Emergency!

I love you so much.

You saved my husband's life!

You a nurse?

Yes.

Is this your station?

Yes.

Is that a supply closet?

Yes.

Would you say that supply closet

is the supply closet directly
across from the nurses' station?

Yes.

And we're on the third floor?

Yes.

And that's a gurney
blocking the supply closet

directly across from the nurse"
station on the third floor?

Yes.

And would you ever consider
going out with me?

No.

Then what the hell's
my father doing

in the hallway?!

We're leaving, Dad, immediately!

Sir, you cannot move the gurney.

We're waiting for
his stone to pass.

Is everybody still
staring at me?

Yes, they are.

How's my hair?

I don't think they're
staring at your hair.

Oh. Got an e-mail from my mom.

Oh, my God.

It's all over the Internet.

Are you okay, honey?

Are you kidding?

My boob is a celebrity!

Davis, what's the rush?

Well, I was working
on a crossword puzzle

when you guys called and, uh,
you know that feeling you get

when you get halfway
through a crossword puzzle

and it's just lying
on your couch

waiting for you to finish it?

I'm going to go home, finish
the crossword puzzle,

turn it over and
finish it again.

God, I love crossword puzzles!

Slow down!

Or that will happen.

Oh, my God! It's Officer Ravitz.

What?! This guy is all
over our ass today.

Okay, new plan. Yep.

Um, we had the baby... Mm-hmm.

After a grueling 15
minutes of labor,

and I'm still at the hospital.
Yep.

You guys are racing home to
get me my favorite nightgown.

Yeah. Because this was

a really painful experience,

and I'm tired, and I
just want to relax.

Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
Save it for the big day.

Come on, come on, come on.

Officer Ravitz!

Or should I say, Uncle
Officer Ravitz?

She had the baby? Already?

It was beautiful.

Except for when the
poop came out.

Yeah, that was humiliating
for everybody.

I almost didn't
finish my burger.

Yeah, we were just racing
home to pick up a few things,

but I'm glad you pulled us over,

because, well, we haven't
settled on a name yet.

So, well, let's just
cut to the chase.

What's your first name?

Marion.

Marion.

Done.

That is so sweet.

Go on home, Daddy.

Fetch your woman her things.

Ow! Son of a bitch!

What the hell was that?

I... bought the baby a
Tickle Me Elmo doll.

He's teaching kids to say the
craziest things these days.

Sweet mother of God!

This thing is really
coming out of me!

Yeah, you'll be hearing that
on the playground real soon.

Zack, we're having the baby!