Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 18 - Speed 2 - full transcript

Previously on
Accidentally On Purpose:

We're running late.

They're gonna give away
our seats at the premiere.

What's the rush?

Uh, sorry, Officer.
I-I was just, um...

Billie wants us to go
to the premiere for her.

Oh!

You weren't kidding about
this police escort, huh?

That's how I do things: hardcore.

If you're my friend,

I'm the best thing that
ever happened to you.



If you're my enemy,
I will hunt you down.

It will end badly for you
and everyone you care about.

Officer Ravitz!

Or should I say Uncle
Officer Ravitz?

She had the baby? Already?

Oh! Son of a bitch!

What's going on here?

What does it look like?

I'm moving this couch.
I'm having...

...a baby.

So the first one was a lie?

You catch on quick.

I'm sorry. I'm a bit of a wiseass.

But pain makes me sarcastic!



How's this for sarcastic?

I'm taking you in.

Is that a joke?

No joke. You're going to jail.

But it's a great jail.

That was sarcastic.

No, no, please,
he needs to be with me!

You, take her to the hospital.

Daddy's going with me.

Billie, I'm sorry.
No matter what it takes,

I'll be there when the
baby's born. I love you!

I love you, too!

I'll try to keep it in
me as long as I can!

No, I won't. No, I won't.

Davis, you got to look
out for her for me, man.

Yeah, man, I'm on it 100%!

Just concentrate on your breathing.

I'm just not ready to
have a baby right now.

There's no way I can
do this without drugs!

Listen to me.

Go back to my apartment, okay?

Inside my nightstand,
there's a shoe.

Inside the shoe is
a balled-up sock.

You know what?
Just bring the whole shoe.

This is always how I
pictured this day.

Hi, I called a few minutes ago.

I'm Billie Chase.

I'm Gavin, Dr. Roland's nurse.

We've started getting
your room ready.

Why don't you two switch places?

Oh. Right, of course.

Okay, so...

you're good?

Good.

What? No, no, no,
you can't leave me!

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, come on. You've
doubted yourself before.

You can do this.
You didn't think you could eat

those 23 hot dogs to
win the free hot dog,

but you did.

I was high!

Hey, all you have
to do is stand there

and occasionally mumble
something supportive, all right?

Imagine you're at a strip club.

Okay, but it will be hard

to put dollar bills down there

when a baby's coming out.

♪ I can't be anything
without you. ♪

Accidentally on Purpose1x18
Speed 2
Original Air Date on April 21, 2010

Look, I know I did a bad thing
pretending my girlfriend was

having a baby that
first time, but...

You wasted time, money and
valuable city resources.

And you hurt me.

Say it.

And I hurt you.

And you hurt me.

So if I was you,

I'd just settle in
'cause your file's going

to the bottom of the stack
like any other hump.

But you don't understand.

I need to be there for her, okay?

Come on, dude,
she's having my baby.

Well...

My girlfriend's having a baby, too.

Mine, too.

They're copying me.

Stop copying me.

You're a whiny little bitch.

It's just my type.

And my day just keeps
getting better.

Your cervix is at four centimeters.

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la. ♪

Is this your husband?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God, no.

I am way out of her league.

So, is your husband on his way?

Oh, Zack's not my husband;
he's my boyfriend.

And he's in jail.

So that sounds classy.

He did ask me to marry him,
but I said, "I don't know,"

nice he's 22 and I'm 37

and this whole thing started out

as a drunken one-night stand.

Lucky, lucky baby.

Just so you know,
we'll need the baby's full name

for the birth certificate

before you leave the hospital.

Okay. Um, then we're gonna
need a late checkout.

Okay, so we finally
decided on a name.

But I didn't submit
my new list yet.

Well, the most important thing is

to avoid names that mean kids
can turn into a hurtful rhyme.

Like in the third grade, you know,

they called me "Blabigail."

I showed them--

stopped talking for a year.

They thought I went deaf.

Suckers!

So, the name?

Oh.

Let's say it at the same time.

Okay. Ready? Mm-hmm.

One, two, three.

Henry Chase. Henry Krawchuck.

Chase? Krawchuck?

Lucky, lucky...

Yeah, yeah, your family's perfect.

Sorry. I got here
as quick as I could.

Hello, Davis.

Hello, Olivia.

"Hello, Davis." "Hello, Olivia."

What, are you guys in a play?
What's going on?

Nothing. You know,
we're just trying

to put aside our natural
disdain for each other

because of the coming miracle!

Yes, today is all
about you, Billie.

Just imagine.

In about 18 hours from now,
you are going to be a mom.

18 hours?

18 hours?

Oh, suck it up.

My mother had to perform
her own C-section

with a broken whiskey bottle.

It's Billie. Billie!

Zack's been arrested,
and I need you to get him

out of jail because I'm in the
hospital, and I'm in labor.

Yay!

Oh, wait. Some of that sounded bad.

It is! He's at the
Lombardo station.

The arresting officer was Ravitz,

and I really,
really need Zack here, Abby.

We are on it. You can count on us.

Nick's had three Shirley Temples,

but I think he's okay to drive.

Olivia, can you go back
to my place and get

my prepacked overnight suitcase?

It's in that closet
in the dining room.

Yeah, of course.

I should help you.

After all, there's probably
a lot of junk in that trunk.

It's okay if I leave,
right, Nurse Gavin?

You should definitely leave

because I called security
five minutes ago.

Great.

Oh, we're gonna get
that suitcase.

Can't wait to get my
hands on that suitcase.

Not if I beat you to it!

It's a really great suitcase.

When they bring it by,

you'll see what all
the shouting's about.

You're naming your kid Henry?

Yeah.

That's my name.

Was. Now it's Nadine.

It suits you.

I'm telling you, sailor,

you're saying all the right things.

The problem is the last name.

Okay, so the hospital

baby bag is packed.

But where's my music thingy?

That's a funny story.

Remember that flank steak I made

that kind of tasted like metal?

Yo, Zack, look, we did it!

One nipple normal,

the other one hard!

You tenderized my music thingy?

But I had put together the
perfect birthing playlist.

I was gonna have our baby

to Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It.
Push It Real Good."

Well, I wanted the baby
to have my last name,

so neither of us are getting
exactly what we want.

The first song your son's
gonna hear is "Push It"?

I'll save a dress for him.

I gotta be honest.

You don't seem like
much of a catch.

You're in jail,

you won't let me stab you,

and who's gonna marry
a guy named Krawchuck?

I'll marry him.

See? Thank you, Nadine.

Nadine Krawchuck.

I like the sound of that.

But I gotta tell you,

I got a bunch of cats.

Don't touch anything.

Police stations are a
breeding ground for disease.

It's this kind of attitude

that keeps us off The
Amazing Race.

Abby! Ow!

Hi, Officer Ravitz, I'm Abby.

And that adorable man
handcuffed over there--

uh, not the bald guy
or the lady dude--

is my kind of,
sort of brother-in-law,

so I'm here to bust him out.

Oh, legally. So I would
like to post his bail,

preferably using a
combination of credit cards

and gift certificates.

Bail won't be set for at least
another four to six hours.

You're being a tad unreasonable,
Officer Ravitz.

And you do not want to be known

as "Unreasonable Ravitz."

I have known the pain
of a hurtful nickname.

Don't worry, buddy,
we'll keep you out of jail.

But if we don't,
the first thing you do

when you get in there
is kick someone's ass.

That's how I survived space camp.

Look, lady,

I hear a million sob stories a day,

and most of them aren't in English,

so I don't know what the
hell they're talking about.

And none of that really matters

because I don't like him.

And I'm beginning to not like you.

This is a power trip, huh?

They give you a badge and a
gun and you get to play God?

Well, my sister is counting on me

to get her baby daddy
to the hospital.

Now you're holding on
to something of mine,

so I'm gonna hold on
to something of yours.

Ma'am, give that back.

Why? Why, what are you
gonna do about it?

"Abby's been arrested"?

Well, I had the baby.

Really?

Yeah. You guys took so long,

I'm already pregnant
with another one.

Here's your ice water.

Thank you.

Anything else I can get for you,
dirty stranger?

Dr. Roland!

Oh, my God. I'm so glad to see you.

Yeah. I didn't need to see
the Rolling Stones tonight.

Where's Zack?

Jail.

Boom! Just won the office pool.

Okay.

Let's take a gander at
the old money maker, huh?

Oh, six centimeters.

Shouldn't be long now.

But Zack's not here.

Olivia, help.

Don't worry about it.

I know people at every
precinct in this town:

If they don't let him go,
they're going to read about it

in tomorrow's front page.

Yeah, she's gonna
get arrested, too.

Hey.

I slept with her.

I don't care.

I can't believe that

Zack's not going to make it.

I can't do this without him.

Look, Dr. Roland,
I need to reschedule.

I'll move my nail
appointment to next Tuesday.

But I'm not ready
to have a baby yet.

Well, you should have thought
of that before you got pregnant.

Okay, did you somehow
swallow my mother?

You'll stay with me, right?

I can count on you,
at least, can't I?

Absolutely.

All right, Substitute Daddy,
scrub up and get ready

because I'm gonna need you

to hold the baby as it comes out.

Now, get a good grip,
because it's gonna be kind of slimy.

I'm passing out. What?

Passing out.

Are you okay?

Gone.

God, this is going on forever,

and I have to get there in time.

What's the longest it's ever
taken for a baby to come out?

Well, I heard about this
one woman in the Himalayas

who was in labor for a week.

Really?

Yeah. She died.

Oh, this is not a helpful story.

No, it's not.

God, I can't believe

I didn't even have
it together enough

to be there for my own son's birth.

I mean, my father was
a son of a bitch,

but he was there when I was born.

God, Billie must think

I'm the biggest loser
on Earth right now.

You?

What about me?

I'm her sister.
If anyone should be there,

I should. I feel awful.

You have to tell me where
you got those boots.

Olivia? What are you doing here?

I'm here to use my
journalistic connections

to get them out.

Now, which one arrested Zack?

Grumpypuss behind that desk.

And don't touch his hat.

He's very attached to it.

Marion?

Olivia?

Oh... Oh, my God.

Darling. You're alive!

All right. Olivia and
Abby can catch up,

but we've got to get
you to the hospital

to meet your son, mister.

When did you get a Porsche?

Oh, it's my brother's.
He gave it to me

when he met Antonio
and moved to Florence.

I didn't know your brother was...

An expatriate. I know.

It's surprising.

Okay.

Billie, I'm out and on the way.
How you doing?

They won't let me eat.

Tell them to let me eat!

Dude, it's all going down, man.

It was a bit dicey
there for a minute,

but then they gave me a shot.

Now I'm pumped!

Okay, Nick. Let's see
what this baby can do.

I'm way ahead of you.

Okay, you're at nine centimeters.

Hey, when European guys
measure their penis,

do they get to use centimeters?

'Cause that would sound

a lot more impressive.

Hey, let's go easy on the
penis talk down there.

The point is,
you're not quite there yet.

This is not quite there?!

I know this sounds hard to believe,

but I think the baby has a knife!

Well, it is a rough neighborhood.

Now, listen to me, baby.

What's the rush?

The next time you're
going to be anywhere near

one of those things is
after the bar closes,

and all the good-looking
guys have already gone home.

My son is going to
be very handsome,

and he will be taking
ladies home early and often,

but he won't try anything,

because that's just
the kind of guy he is.

Guess who's here?

Yay! Yay!

Where's Zack?

He and Nick left before us.
I thought he'd be here.

I am aware that you're anxious,

but I do not have a spotless
driving record by accident.

It's just five more blocks.

And that is statistically
when most accidents occur.

I really think Zack should be here

because this thing's kicking
my ass from the inside out.

Doctor, what should we do?

Hold her. Talk to her.

Tell her something to distract her.

I made friends with a
transvestite prostitute.

Another one? Big deal.

Uh...

I slept with Olivia!

You what?!

That's good. Yeah.

More stuff like that.
Tell her where.

Uh, okay. In your living room.

Kitchen floor, on your bed...

where your head goes.

Olivia!

Oh, I'm not ashamed of
anything I did to him.

I am, a little.

Can you at least wear the gloves?

You're getting palm sweat
all over the steering wheel.

Don't worry.
I'm getting everything.

Over the shoulder,
over the shoulder!

Abby, over my shoulder!

Okay, all right.

If it makes you feel any better,

way more people than
this have gathered around

to see my vagina.

That does not make me feel better.

Nor I.

Billie!

Billie!

Zack!

Did I miss anything?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Where's Nick?

He's downstairs.

Apparel was half-off
at the gift shop.

Oh.

So glad you finally made it, bro.

Thanks for being here, man.

Yeah, man. I got this
scene under control.

She's at nine centimeters...

and I'm at 16.

Why are you two holding hands?

They slept together.

You will do anything
to steal focus.

Okay, we're getting close now.

I'm gonna need you to push.

The breathing's not working.

I don't think I can do this.

Rub her back.

Get her some ice chips.

Rub her back with ice chips.

Oh, I'm passing out.

What? He's passing out.

Are you okay?

Gone. Oh!

Okay, yeah,

get him out of here.
In fact, everybody out.

But... Yeah. Bye,

everyone. Come on.

I'll stay if that's okay with you.

Zack, I'm really scared.

something about this
doesn't feel right.

I wish I had my music.

Your music. Uh...

♪ Bum Ba dum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Boom Ba Nana rum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum,
bom bada Dada rum ♪

♪ Bo bump oh bump bum
bump bana Nana rum... ♪

DR. ROLAND: ♪ Ah, push it ♪

♪ Bump bum, bum, bom bada Dada
rum ♪
♪ Push it good. Ah! ♪

♪ Push it ♪

♪ Bump bum, bum, bom bada Dada
rum ♪
♪ Push it real good ♪

♪ Salt N Pepa's here ♪

♪ And we're in effect ♪

♪ Want you to push it, girl ♪

♪ Move it by day... ♪

Well, are we singing or not?

Okay. Zack!

Oh, sorry. Uh, uh...

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ba-Baby, baby... ♪

Okay, here we go, one final push.

Lock and load now.

♪ Bump bum, bum,
bom bada Dada rum ♪

DR. ROLAND: ♪ Ah. Push it ♪

Come on. ♪ Push it good now ♪

♪ Bump bum, bum, bom bada
Dada rum ♪
♪ Ah. Push it ♪

Come on.

♪ Push it good now ♪

♪ Ah. Push it ♪ Give me the rhythm.

DR. ROLAND: ♪ Ah, push it. ♪

Stay on the beat!
Stay on the beat!

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Hey.

Who's your daddy?

Me.

He is so beautiful.

Takes after his mom.

Yeah. Give Mommy a high five.

Up high. Down low. Too slow.

Good job, darling.

Hey, what's up, little baby?

I like your hat.

I got one just like it.

Look, Nick. It's our nephew.

Finally you're not
the one in the family

with the smallest feet.

He's adorable.

You guys will still pay attention

to me, though, right?

He's smiling.

Oh.

You know, I think

Henry and I should have
the same last name.

Yeah, I'm cool with that.

Henry Chase.

No. Henry Krawchuck.

What do you mean?

Well, what I mean is,
I know I took a couple months

to get back to you on
your marriage proposal.

The offer's still valid, right?

Four more minutes.

Well, the answer is yes.

So we're engaged.

Yeah.

Look, I don't want to
put any pressure on you,

but how long do you want to
wait before we have kids?