Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Date - full transcript

Previously on
Accidentally on Purpose

I'm thinking of going
home with a guy

who may be significantly
younger than me,

And I just need to know

If the situation is
empowering or desperate?

- Is he over 18?
- Yeah.

Empowering.

I'm just not a one-night
stand kind of person.

I just never do
things like this.

Oh.

So this is the spot where we...?



- Yep.
- Okay.

Your first pregnancy test.

That's adorable.

- Yay!
- No!

My god, a nursery

Shane did the bears.

He's better at skulls, but
we went with the bears.

I really like what you
bring to my apartment.

- You want me to stay?
- Yeah.

I miss you.

You should miss me

I'm fantastic.

Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?

Yeah, but when you said
"don't touch my stuff,"



I thought you meant like your
soy milk and your computer.

Yeah, no, I meant
don't touch my stuff.

- Baby?
- Yeah, she's having my baby.

Cool, huh?

- What?
- I've got to update my Facebook status.

Oh, yeah.

I assumed video figure skating
would be physically hard.

I had no idea it would be
this emotionally demanding.

Dude, why are you
playing as a girl?

Because when I spin around,
my skirt comes up.

I'd like to see that.

You got a tight
little cartoon butt.

You know, at first I
wasn't really down

with you moving in
with pregnant lady.

I mean, this setup is so
much better than my place.

No roaches, no mold...

It's a box.

Billie! Box!

Oh, did you see that?!

Did you see me stick
that landing?

Yeah.

You look good as a
small Asian woman.

I think it's from your office.

Huh.

Oh, it's from James,
my ex-boyfriend.

He sent my stuff back.

All the little reminders

that I purposefully
left at his house

have now been returned to me.

Well, that's kind a
kick in the nuts.

That is the move of a
true break up master.

No CDs hitting you in the head,

No chicks doing little
chick punching.

Yep, this is definitely
how I'm gonna break up

with my first girlfriend.

Dude, enough.

All I'm saying is, if she
was remotely good in bed,

He would have delivered
the box himself

so he could hit that
one more time... ow!

What the heck was that?

My chick punch.

He mailed you the box?

Oh, that is the work
of a break up master.

So I've heard.

Why did I date the
break up master?

Why can't I meet the
relationship master?

Oh, no...

So did you open the box?

No, it's too painful.

The only way I'd be
able to do that is

If I got plastered first,
but I can't do that

Because, apparently,
that's bad for the baby.

Mama loves you.

James.

Uh, yes, Bob,

Uh, I understand
your point of view.

There's nothing in your ear.

I, uh, had a chip installed.

I got your lovely box.

So we're good? Great.

I'm just glad that douche is
out of her life, with his car

and his man-tan and his...

package delivery service.

Zack, you are right
down the hall from her

and you're a good guy and
she's having your baby

and bang... just like
that, he's married.

Come on, that... that is insane.

No, it's not. Know why?

'Cause it happened
to my cousin Earl.

Oh, I heard that
dude was a player.

Was.

You want to know what
he plays with now?

His kids.

Guys, guys, don't
stress him out.

She's not going to
try to marry him.

She's just gonna mold him

into a boring, funless drone

who is to accompany her
to the fabric store.

I mean, shark week?

That's canceled.

Peeing in the sink?

Finished.

I mean...

She's going to have your
balls in a bear trap.

But other than that,
you are all good.

Wonder if James is already
dating someone else.

Maybe she needs the drawer.

She probably has a lot of stuff.

You guys are great.

It's going to be okay.

You know what?

You are right, because in
all romantic comedies,

The heroine starts out
in a very bad place,

like in Ghost, Demi Moore's
her fiance was killed,

Or in 50 first dates, Drew
Barrymore had a head injury.

In Pretty Woman, Julie Robert
was a freaking hooker.

The worse it is
at the beginning,

The happier the ending.

The gentleman over there
sent you a drink.

Oh, my god.

Chills.

I had a terrible
day, I got the box,

But now I'm moving ahead and
a guy sent me a drink...

Which I can't have, but still...

Holy yes, Batman.

I'm going to
unbutton this button

and go over and thank him.

What? No, put those away.

What if he asks you out?

You're saying it wrong.

What if he asks you out?

It's settled.

I'm going in.

Oh, look at her go.

She's giving him her number.

Hair toss, hair toss,

And walk away...

And...

He asked me out.

Abby, get that snarl
off your face

And laugh like I just
said something funny.

Are you at least going to
tell him you're pregnant?

At some point.

But if you don't shut up,
I'm going to strangle you.

I would really like to see that.

What about Zack?

Are you at least going tell him

you're going to start dating?

Of course.

Now I am.

Do it with your top off.

I've delivered a lot
of bad news that way.

I have got some bad news.

I, uh, slept with
your best friend.

Phil, your iPod fell
down the toilet.

They closed the Chili's
next to the office.

Zack, do you have a minute?

Here comes a time in every
pregnant woman's life

when she has to ask herself...

would Zack be uncomfortable
if I started dating people?

Wow... no.

I did not see that coming.

So you're okay with it?

Yeah! Look at you, bouncing
back from the box,

and in a way I did not expect

Well, look at you,
dealing with this

in a way I did not expect.

'cause this is working
like a well-oiled machine.

A baby-making... but in a
platonic relationship...

well-oiled machine.

So I've never dated
a lawyer before.

You gonna put me on the stand?

I'll put you wherever you want.

Okay.

I'm really glad I
see that drink over

and having a great time.

Me too.

So, John...

What if you were
watching a movie...

about an incredibly
handsome lawyer

out on a date with a witty,
effervescent movie critic...

and all of a sudden she
says "I'm pregnant"?

You'd watch that, right?

Are you pregnant?

A teeny, tiny bit.

Were you pregnant when we met?

Not as much.

So he reacted very badly to
the fact that I was pregnant.

How badly?

Well, he was so
anxious to leave,

He walked into a glass door.

Which was funny, but...

Zack is with a girl on my
couch, and, apparently,

She's telling him bad news
because her top is off.

Hello...

Hey.

Hey, I'm Heather.

I'm the hostess over
at Zack's restaurant.

I sat you the other night.

Um, table 32.

Yes, yes.

I didn't recognize you
without your name tag,

which is normally on your top.

Zack, can I see you
in the kitchen

about some important
kitchen topics?

What's up?

What are you doing?

- I'm on a date.
- Dates happen outside the home.

When you have money.

Are you sure you're
okay with this?

Because you're not acting like
half of a well-oiled machine.

I am.

What do you want me to do...
help you get her pants off?

Is that a real question?

No.

Okay, okay, look,

We'll just stay out
of the living room.

- All right? - Bup...

I just need to know something.

Does it bother this girl at all

That I'm about know
to have your baby?

No, that's what's so
great about this.

She thinks it's cool
I'm sticking around,

So thanks to you,
I'm like a hero.

Glad I could help.

So... How'd it go with the

Hostess cupcake?

Did you get to the
creamy center?

Very subtle, dude.

Thank you.

Well, I took her back
to my room and then...

You know how it's going
to be the nursery

with the bears on the wall?

So you're saying the bears
talked you out of it?

Okay, first of all, I
didn't say they talked.

And it was just the one bear.

The other one was kind of cool.

And weren't you listening?

Did you eat one of those special
brownies I left in the freezer?

They're not in the freezer.

You're making them right now.

Excuse me, time
and space police.

I don't know, man. Everything
in the nursery reminds me

I'm going to be a dad,
and what can I say?

I just didn't want
to do it in there.

So take her to your van.

I love having sex in your van.

Okay, how's this for my
online dating profile?

"Slightly pregnant
woman seeks mate."

Okay for the record, I object
this whole thing, and...

Hey, how about this one?

"Single mother-to-be
likes to dance?"

Hey.

And I think any guy
who would want

to go out with a pregnant
woman is going to be weird.

And you should listen to me,
because I'm your sister.

And I'm the only one here in a
mature, committed relationship.

However, I will say that
headline is adorable.

Yay, and done. And send it.

Hey, do you have a knife?

Yeah.

'Cause apparently,

Not only is this box hard
to open emotionally,

It's also hard open physically.

Wow, that's a lot of knives.

They're my chef's knives.

What are you doing?

Looks like you're
covering the bears.

Yeah. You know
those adult hotels

that have those different
rooms to have sex in?

Like the jungle room and
the heart-shaped room

And the mirrored room?

Well, none of them
have the nursery room.

Well, at least you
got some action.

All I got was a handshake and
a, "good luck about that."

Man, it's hard to date
when you're having a baby.

Yeah, it sucks.

This is a weird
conversation, huh?

Well, it's the first
time I've had it.

Ah, yes, got it.

Here's your knife.

It's a little gluey.

Yay.

Want me to leave?

No, please don't.

This box contains the memories

of the most meaningful
relationship I've ever had.

Yeah, well, just for the record,

that guy's a giant douche.

And...

Go.

And... Open the box.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Ah.

No, you're right.

Couple of earrings,
half a deodorant.

Condoms?

Oh, my mint floss.

Holy crap.

Sweet.

These aren't mine.

Douche

Good morning.

Up or down?

So, when I got that box...

Here we go.

I was scared to
open it, you know?

Because I thought it
was gonna bring up all

of these emotions and regrets,

like, maybe I made a huge
mistake breaking up with you,

But then, surprise!

Another woman's underwear!

- Billie...
- I just want to know.

Did our relationship
mean anything to you?

Because if it did, you
wouldn't have put

another woman's
underwear in my box.

Can I get a word in here?

- Sure.
- Okay, first...

No, I changed my mind.

It doesn't matter.

'cause you know what
I should be doing?

Thanking you.

Thank you for saving
me from a lifetime

of finding other people's
underwear in my boxes.

And for your information, I'm
going on a date tonight.

With a man. Another man.

A great man.

They're yours.

We bought them
that day in Paris.

Mmm. Okay.

How about... These?

Whatever.

I am... how do you say...

Tipsy?

So, how are you?

Still all handsome and stuff?

What do you think of me?

I mean, it didn't
work out beeen us,

but I would never
intentionally hurt you.

You broke up with me.

I guess...

Getting that stuff back
just hit me harder

than I realized.

Hey, you want your underwear?

Sure.

So, awkward high-five?

I hope this date turns out to
be all you're looking for.

I have a good feeling about it.

So, about my internet date.

Um, he's married.

And on top of that, his
wife's pregnant, too,

and we have the same doctor,

and I asked him to leave.

Uh, just plop 'em
both down here.

And bring some ketchup, too.

I don't want to say,
"I told you so"

But I told you so, good-bye.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

He ordered lobster and left,
and you love this place.

Come down here.

I will take a pass on that.

Why? You love lobster.

Well, because, as I said eaier,

I am in a healthy,
mature relationship,

and I am having sex with
my husband right now.

Okay! All right!

Then why did you
answer the phone?

Because I've entered
several sweepstakes.

Oh! Okay.

Hi, James.

I feel bad about the
elevator yelling.

And I'm at that place
we love on Filmore.

My date ended early for
classy reasons, and...

And I'm at that place I
wanted to buy you a drink

to thank you for buying
me the underwear,

which turned out to be
surprisingly breathable.

Hey.

Hey, I thought you
were on a date.

I was.

How'd it go?

This van is great!

And... No bears.

Anyway, Abby called,

and she kept on saying,
"Okay, all right,"

which was strange...

But whatever.

Um, I thought you might
like some company.

Is the gentleman joining you?

Yeah, okay.

So...

Your date left early.

I gotta tell ya,

there's a reason why

Julia Roberts was never
pregnant and single

in any one of her movies.

Turns out it's a lot harder to
overcome than being a hooker.

Billie... Don't worry about it.

You are beautiful,
and you're funny,

and you got a cool job,

awesome TV, insurance.

Any guy would be
lucky to have you.

Well, in a stunning reversal,

this has now become
a good night.

To more weird conversations
and fewer boxes.

- And to you buying me a new knife.
- Yeah.

- Seriously. It's destroyed.
- Hmm.

Thanks.

You got two desserts?

Shut up.

Psst! Zack!

How long am I supposed
to wait in the van?

This is some excellent
food, pregnant lady.

That's just 'cause
you're more baked

than the food you're eating.

No no, you can tell.

This food comes from
a classy place.

You know, like the kind of place
that puts ice in the urinals.

I love peeing on ice.

It's like having laser heat
eyes, but with your pee.

Did I say that thing
about my pee out loud,

or just think it?

You just thought it.

Wait a minute.

Then how do you know
that I asked you that?

Ask us what?

Are we talking right now?

Seriously, can anyone hear me?!