Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 3 - One Night Stand - full transcript

Previously on
Accidentally On Purpose:

I'm just not a one-night
stand kind of person.

I just never did
things like this.

Your first pregnancy test.

That's adorable.

Yay!

No!

I think you should stay with me.

I don't want to
complicate your life.

Why stop now?

I miss you.



You should miss me.

I'm fantastic.

Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?

Yeah, but when you said,
don't touch my stuff,

I thought you mean like, your
soy milk and your computer.

No, I meant don't
touch my stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, that is genius.

Yeah.

Morning. Morning.

Ooh.

And good morning to you,
and good morning to you.

I see you've noticed my
recent pregnancy lift

from the boob fairy.



That's such a better job
than being the tooth fairy.

Davis.

Dude, huh? Yes, it's okay.

I mean, suddenly, I'm stacked.

I can put money in there now.

I can even do the lipstick thing

from Grease. Watch.

See?

I did not know the
Greeks did that.

That was hot.

Dude, I can't believe

you're not trying
harder to tap that.

Well, dude, I would, but she's
got this whole golden rule thing

about how having sex will
complicate the relationship,

and blah, blah, blah.

And that was bad enough, and
then this started happening.

Now it's just...

&♪9834; bow, chicka,
bow, bow &♪9834;

&♪9834; Chicka, chicka &♪9834;

&♪9834; Bow, chicka, bow wow.
&♪9834;

It's like having a toy
you can't play with.

But, dude, you do have a
toy you can play with.

Just take more trips
downtown on the alone train.

Have an all-by-yourself party.

Be an one-man band.

So, the pregnancy books
tell you all kinds of stuff

to expect in the
first trimester.

You know, nausea,
heartburn, bloaty gas.

Oh, is that a baby growing
inside you, or a burrito?

What they never mention is
that in the second trimester,

it all gets replaced
by sexy, hot feelings,

and one's booty's
becoming so delicious.

Oh, yes, you do have
a massive amount

of junk in your trunk.

My booty is delicious. My booty

is delicious. Delicious.

Brian.

What are you doing here?

Oh, a rumor at the D.C.
news desk says

there's a milkshake bringing
all the boys to the yard.

Wow. I mean, just, wow.

I haven't seen you in a while.

I read your piece
on Afghanistan.

I didn't know it got cold there.
I thought it...

In my mind, it's just hot,
hot, hot all the time.

No, that's you.

Or maybe me.

No.

So... Billie, I'd-I'd love to
catch up with you some time.

What are you doing later?

- Brian!
- James.

Hey, if you're done
talking to my girl there,

You want to grab a bite?

Uh, sure. You can

tell me all about the decline

of the newspaper business
for my Sunday column.

Absolutely.

I love discussing the
death of my livelihood

and printing it in my own paper.

Did you see that?

There I was being flirted
with by a handsome,

married man who's kind
my imaginary boyfriend,

and James totally
booty blocked me.

- You look great.
- Oh.

Is that a new outfit?

Yes.

My proportions are
shifting slightly,

and they require
new fabulousness.

Then can I borrow that
black strapless dress

you got in Paris while
you're too sexy to wear it?

No.

It's the nicest thing I own.

But you couldn't squeeze
those melons in there

without causing
considerable unaboob.

Why can't you just
let me borrow it?!

You know why.

But my company is hosting
a charity event.

No. You spill things.
You're a spiller.

You've been spilling
things ever since

you got Yoo-hoo on my
tutu at our recital.

I was six.

Oh, my God, are you
ever gonna let that go?

No.

I don't know if it has something

to do with your inner
ear, or the tides.

You even cause chain spilling.

- But my event!
- No!

Fine. Oh.

Bloody hell!

I am almost 100% positive that
we just had a tiny earthquake.

Did I tell you,
Brian is in town,

and he was flirting with me?

Ooh, isn't he your married
imaginary boyfriend?

Yes, and it was
especially difficult

because my pregnancy hormones
have kicked in, and...

I don't know any other
way to put this,

but I have happy feelings
in my downstairs area.

Soy chai latte

and cappuccino.

That's us.

And the croissant is on me.

And that keeps happening.

Guys are flirting with
me left and right,

and they don't know
that this and this

is because of this.

Oh, why don't you
just sleep with Zack?

Or marry him and
then sleep with him.

I can't sleep with Zack.

It'll complicate
our relationship,

and blah, blah, blah

Which is really too bad,
'cause I got to tell you,

the orgasm that would
come from this

I think would put me a hospital.

You know how hot Billie
has been looking lately?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, after
she left for work,

I wanted to buy a ticket
to ride the alone train,

so I went into her bathroom,

and I grabbed a
bottle of lotion,

but instead of lotion,

I grabbed sunless tanner.

So pretty much the same
deal with your, um...

Yeah.

And the other place,
too, I imagine?

What other place?

There is no other place.

I was just testing you.

Oh.

Popcorn?

- Yes, please.
- Ah.

Can you excuse me a minute?

Yeah.

Gonna make a phone call.

Oh, my God, hot popcorn.

Olivia, I'm thinking
of sleeping with Zack.

My brain says it's a bad idea,

but it's being outvoted by
every other cell in my body.

Is sleeping with him right
now desperate or empowering?

- Is he passed out?
- No.

Empowering.

Yes!

So, you know our golden rule...

We won't sleep together
no matter what...

We could just forget it.

The rule.

Really?

Yup. Just for one day.

We just have to swear
to each other that

we won't get emotionally
involved, so I swear.

Okay. Oh, my.

Uh, I'm, I'm not in a...

Um, the golden rule-
it's a good rule.

That is a good rule.

But this is purely medical.

This is a medical condition.

Uh, maybe put a bag
of frozen peas on it

and keep it elevated.

Here I just asked you to have
purely recreational sex,

and your response
is frozen produce?

Yes.

I mean, no.

Dude, she was good to go,

and you refused because
of your orange junk?

Yeah, yeah.

What if some of the orange,
you know, got on the baby?

Who cares if some of
it gets on your baby?

I mean, worse case scenario...
You get laid,

I checked all our products.

Sorry. We don't have

anything to remove
sunless tanner.

Supposedly,

soaking your skin
in coconut milk

reduces pigmentation

You could try that...

on your palm.

Boom! Problem solved.

Now your junk will
be normal color

and smell like vacation.

I took your advice and
tried to seduce Zack,

and he turned me down.

- What?!
- Oh, impossible.

No, it was so uncomfortable,

I felt like a total idiot.

Oh.

I would just like to bring
up a procedural pot.

You didn't call me before
you tried to seduce him

because you know that I think

you should have a real
relationship with him.

But you didn't want
to hear that, so

you called the bad idea lady.

I'm your sister.

I would have given
you good advice,

and you would have
been so grateful,

you would have given
me that dress.

Abby, we have bigger problems
than dresses right now.

I don't. I just have
the dress problem.

Enough with the dress.

She needs to find a man.

Uh, we need to widen the search.

Oh, wait.

The oracle speaks.

Who should Billie

sleep with? Who?

Uh, that guy, a street mime,
animal from the Muppets?

Who, Oracle, who?

Neither of you understands
what's happening here, okay?

I did one foolish
thing, I get pregnant,

and now my punishment is

that I can't have sex
until the baby's born.

Well, a newborn is an
awful lot of work.

Fine. Two years old.

Well, at two, they're
potty training,

running around everywhere,
getting on furniture.

Five! Five! In five
years, I can have sex.

Five years?

Now that's crazier

than sleeping with a Muppet.

Wow. Five years.

I can do it.

I kept up that gym membership

for five years.

I was a vegetarian
for five years.

I didn't go to a zoo for five.

Well, that's not much
of an accomplishment.

But this is reality
so, you know..

I'm just gonna have to be
celibate for five years.

And in five years, I'll be...
42.

So there's that.

I'll be a 42-year-old who
Hasn't had sex in five years,

who has a child, whose
father is still in his 20s

and has his whole
life ahead of him.

And even then... even
then with all my mistakes

piled around me like
the empty pizza boxes

from last night's
depression feast,

even then I will not
give you that dress.

But you'll think
about it, right?

Hi, milkshake.

Yeah, yeah, my milkshake

is in the freezer
for five years.

You okay?

Brian!

Balls.

Can you believe how she
gets prettier every day?

She certainly does.

Do you have some sort
of bugging device?

What are you talking about?

You wait until Brian
starts talking to me

and then you pop up like
a zit on prom night.

All right, I'm sorry.

Look, after you and I broke up

when I first found out
that you were pregnant,

I was kind of looking
forward to...

Well, there's no polite
way to put this...

But you becoming fat
and unpleasant.

But...

what's happening
is you're glowing.

And you're beautiful.

Billie.

That's sweet.

It is, isn't it?

Ooh, I gotta wrap this up.
I got a date.

We good?

I'll stop touching you.

Join the club.

- What?
- Have a fun date!

Hey, buddy.

Everything flesh-colored yet?

Yeah, I...

Ah, I think the coconut
milk's working.

Aren't they gonna notice that
they're missing 60 gallons

of coconut milk at
your restaurant?

Oh, I'm bringing it back.

So, uh, you gonna go
for it with Billie?

Would I be ass-deep in
coconut milk if I wasn't?

Aren't you supposed
to be at work?

Ah, that's the great thing about
being a clerk at Trader Joe's.

I'm helping the boss pick
out new beers to sell.

Working from home today.

Coffee?

Oh. Oh, no, thanks.

I've already had my
cup for the day.

Wow, you are strict.

No, I'm pregnant.

Oh.

James didn't tell me
you guys are pregnant.

It's not his.

No, we broke up

and then I was all "Boo-hoo,"
drink, drink, "You look cute,"

pee on a stick, blue
plus sign, ta-da!

It's been a very full year.

Well, who's the dad?

Ah, you know, he's a great guy.

A great, much younger guy.

He's in my life but
we're not together.

Oh, got that explanation down.

Well, it sounds like we've
got lot to catch up on.

Would you like to meet me
later for dinner at my hotel?

That sounds like something

I'm not supposed to do
with a married man.

I'm divorced.

That's fantastic.

I mean, that must've
been really difficult.

Well, it wasn't great

but I'd get over
it a lot quicker

if you'd meet me
for that dinner.

Really?

Yeah. How does 8:30 sound?

It sounds good.

See you then for some,
"You look good"

"So do you," "The
steak is fantastic,"

Well, that answers that.

I have to admit

I've imagined us on
a date for a while.

Would you like some dessert?

Always.

You know who makes an
amazing chocolate torte?

- Hmm?
- Room service.

I just need to powder
a number of items.

- Abby?
- Yes?

I'm at the Jerome, I just
had dinner with Brian,

and I think there's
a possibility

that he wants to sleep with me.

He knows I'm pregnant
and he's fine with it,

but...

but I'm not sure
it's a good idea.

Oh, my God, you're calling me.

Well, yeah.

I mean, you're the
good idea lady, right?

Didn't you want me to?

Yes, but I did not
think that you would.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, I think, um...

that you should do
whatever makes you happy.

You know what to do on your own.

You know in your
heart what's right

and even if you screw
up occasionally,

You are a good person.

Thank you.

You're a good sister.

I know.

Haute couture.

There is no substitute.

Hey, Billie, I'm home!

Abby?

She said it was okay.

She said... she
said what was okay?

Nothing.

Okay, do you know
where she went?

Oh, she's gone to, uh,

oh, she's gone to get laid.

With-with who?

Oh, some reporter.

I'm sure he's fancy.

Oh, my God, I'm such a tool.

I blew it.

Oh, my God.

You like her.

This is so romantic.

She's at the Hotel Jerome.
You must go to her.

I can't just go to her and...

Yes, you can.

You should go.

She's not even sure she wants
to go through with it.

Go, Zack.

And forget you ever saw me.

Okay, and the dress
or the jewelry, ooh,

ooh, and this bag, this bag.

Go!

- Billie.
- Zack.

What are you doing here?

To be honest,

I. Oh, my...

I ran all the way.

I haven't run in a while

And the hotel's
on top of a hill.

- Who told you I was here?
- Abby.

Look,

I don't care if you
slept with him.

That's actually not
true, I do care.

- Zack...
- Let me - let me finish, okay?

I really need you to know

that I really wanted
to sleep with you.

- Zack...
- And I... Hold on.

I hate... I hate
the golden rule.

I don't care about
the golden rule.

The reason I didn't
sleep with you

is...

is because I had
an orange penis.

Wow.

I was imagining how
you were gonna finish

what you were saying, but orange
penis is not where I was going.

Anyway, I - I just had
to be honest with you

about the situation
with my junk.

So, I'm good to go.

You don't need to sleep
with anybody else.

Unless I'm too late,
in which case,

you look very nice
in that outfit.

Um...

I didn't sleep with Brian.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, good night then.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

The truth is, um, I like Brian

and I didn't want my hormones
making decisions for me with him

or with you the other night,
which I'm really sorry about.

Do you smell coconut?

I do. Isn't that weird?

I shouldn't have come
on to you like that.

And...

It's just, I'm really
trying to get a handle

on this thing between us.

Which is really hard because
you're so nice and so cute

And you really smell
like coconut.

Am I crazy?

I just want us to go
back to how we were.

Is that cool with you?

Yeah, that's - that's cool.

We can just totally go
back to the way we were.

But I'd like to assure you

that if you ever get
crazy-pregnant-horny again,

I am still here for you.

It's a deal.

Okay.

Your palm is orange, too?

Oh, you were...

Oh!

I need to tell you something.

No...

I need to tell you something.

Your advice was such good advice

that you can borrow my dress.

That is so sweet.

But what I need to tell you
is that I already did.

So, thank you.

The good news is that I did
not spill anything on it.

Oh, my God!

But I'm okay and that is
the most important thing.

I love you.