Accidentally on Purpose (2009–2010): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Oh, I can't do another
office party.

I've already slept
with everyone here.

Oh... Yup.

Olivia, focus.

James is coming soon.

Does this pose say,

"I'm over you, but
I'll take you back"?

No. You just need to
perk up your nipples.

This is painful.

Fine. I'll do it.

Oh.



Look, I am on a mission.

When James sees me, I
want him to realize

he made a horrible
mistake in Paris.

Okay, just a few more steps.

And...

- Voila!
- Oh, my God. Heights.

Oh, beautiful heights.

Romantic heights.

Oh, my God, it's
the Eiffel Tower!

Oui! Je t'aime!

Oh, my god, it's a bag!

It's our three year
anniversary, so...

I do.

You do what?



I do really want
to open the bag.

It's candy.

So, do I bite into it and
find something else?

Yeah.

A pecan.

It's marzipan... in
the shape of a camera

Because you're a film critic.

The best one at my newspaper

What did you think
it was going to be?

Ja, ja. Ich liebe dich.

That.

That? No.

You know I don't do that.

Look, when we started
dating, I told you

I never wanted to
get married again,

and you said, "Oh, my God,
do you own this plane?"

Lots of people say they're never going
to do things, then they do them.

Like in Gone with the Wind.

Scarlet O'Hara says she'll
never go hungry again,

But then she does.

But we're not gonna
go hungry tonight

Because we have reservations

at Le Crillon,

He said, changing the subject.

I don't think I can
change the subject.

I want a partner.

I want someone who actually
stays for breakfast.

I want someone who's
there no matter what.

I want to grow up.

Fantastic sex in exotic locales
was fine when I was 35,

But I'm 36 now.

Thirty-seven.

Good-bye.

Yeah, I love marzipan.

Focus on the mission,
'cause this is where

I turn it all around.

Okay? He's gonna walk in here,

Take one look at this,

Take one look at this,

Realize he let the best thing
that's ever happened to him go,

Maybe even cry a little,
and beg me to come back.

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

He's in the doorway
with Kate Moss.

Ah! Abort mission!
Abort mission!

I wonder if he'll
marry Kate Moss.

Abby, how come you never wonder

What good things
could happen to me?

'Cause I'm your sister.

I just think

You should forget the
handsome gillionaire

Who also happens
to be your boss.

I mean, look how happy

I am since I married Nick.

And you know why?

Because he's stable,
well-balanced, supportive.

Yes. Nick would
make a good chair.

Excuse me. He would
make a great chair.

Oh, listen, look around.

You'll find somebody else.

I get proposed to all the time.

I may be married now.

I'm not entirely sure.

But I do know that I
cannot go back to Dubai.

Yeah, that's you, Olivia.

I watch movies for a living,

So to me, the three
stages of womanhood are

Meg Ryan in Sleepless
in Seattle,

Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail,

and Meg Ryan in the
grocery store, saying,

"No, really, I am Meg Ryan."

Hey, excuse me.

Can you help settle a bet
between me and my buds?

Well, that's kind of
my mission in life.

If you could be stranded
on a desert island

With one of us, which
one would it be?

Oh, well, that depends.

I mean, how can
each of you enhance

My desert island experience?

Do you have any special skills?

Can you make a radio
out of a coconut?

No, but I can take
coconut shells,

Wear 'em like a fake bra and
dance around like a little girl.

Anybody can do that.

He's right. You're out.

- Come on!
- Okay, which one

Of you two looks better
with your shirt off?

Wow. I love this game!

And after we've been running
around naked all day,

We'll be hungry, and I can cook.

I'm a chef.

You and me naked.

Come on, Dibs, let's try
it out on that girl

She keeps reaching for
her drink and missing.

Yes. Dibs. Dibs.

I'm Zack. I'd like
to buy you a drink.

Oh. I'm Billie.

You don't have to do that.

Mojito, please.

Perfect. You know, I bet my
buds I could go a whole day

Eating and drinking only
things that end in "tos."

Mojitos, burritos, taquitos.

I did that once, but with
things that end in "oni."

Pepperoni, spumoni, calzone.

But the wasn't a bet involved.

My sorority was just
full of bulimics.

- You're funny.
- Thank you.

- And pretty.
- Okay!

Hey, you're a really
great dancer.

Just another thing I'd bring to
your desert island experience.

- You're funny.
- Yeah.

But I'm running out charming.

I think I have some more
back at my apartment.

And some homemade ravioli.

What do you say?

Abso-maybe.

Give me a minute.

Okay.

Quicker!

Quicker! Quicker!

Oh, screw it.

Guys? A golden opportunity
has just presented itself.

I'm drunk!

Look, I know this
may sound nuts,

but I'm thinking of
going home with a guy

who may be significantly
younger than me,

and I just need to know if
the situation is empowering

or desperate.

- Is he over 18?
- Yeah.

Empowering.

So, to conclude our tour
of the "broapartment,"

that's the spot where we eat.

And, uh, that's the spot where
we play Grand Theft Auto.

I killed three hookers and
robbed a bank this afternoon.

It was very exciting.

And that's just a
spot on the floor.

I call him Steve.

You weren't kidding about
having some charming

back at the apartment.

And you are a fantastic cook.

Well, I am the second assistant
to a semi-importansous-chef.

Basically, I boil things.

But one day I'm gonna
have my own restaurant.

Well, I'm making reservations
now, 'cause that was, like,

the best thing I
have ever eaten.

What's for dessert?

Whoa!

Okay.

I know I set you up with
that dessert line...

and you were right
to jump on that...

But, um, I'm just not a
one-night stand kind of person

I just never do
things like this.

Yeah, but lots of people say
they'll never do things,

and then they do them.

Ooh.

- So, this is the spot where we...
- Yup.

Hello.

Hello.

Look, that hooker's
still moving.

Oh!

What was it like?

Like eating candy.

I love candy.

What kind of candy?

Young candy.

Ah.

I'm not kidding.

He smelled like Skittle.

Ladies, I feel like I
tasted the rainbow.

The whole experience make
me feel great about myself.

My pores even look smaller.
Look.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm sure I'll never
see him again,

but so what?

I'm really glad you called me.

- Yeah, yeah. Me, too.
- Take off your top.

This is endless!

How much time is left?

Was I supposed to be timing it?

I was taking a picture

of the back of my
head in the mirror.

Please, pay attention

This is the most important
moment of my life.

Oh! Your first pregnancy test.

That's adorable.

Yay!

No!

Didn't you use condoms?

I guess it turns out
they're not 100% effective

Unless you actually take
them out of your puss.

Billie, Billie, Billie,
always use a condom.

And an alias.

Is it possible

That you kind of...

Got pregnant on purpose?

I mean, maybe somewhere deep
down inside you wanted this.

You know what, Abby? This is
just like when we were kids.

You always think you
know what I'm thinking.

You always think you know
exactly what I'm all about,

But the truth is,
maybe you're right.

Yes! I always wanted
to be an aunt!

Aunt Abby!

So, we're keeping it then?

Well, I'm a journalist.

I ask the tough questions.

If I don't do it now, I may
never get another chance.

Oh, my God, I'm going
to have a baby.

Oh. Hey.

So, how are you gonna
tell the baby baby daddy?

Can we please not call him that?

Let's call him the
father of my niece.

I want a girl.

But I finally had a boy toy.

And I only got to play with
him for a couple weeks,

And now my boy toy
got me pregnant,

And when I tell him,
he's going to freak out.

I broke my boy toy.

I have got a ten-minute break.

So, what did you
want to tell me?

Zack, I'm pregnant.

Zack?

Zack, are you okay?

Mm-hmm, yeah. No. I
was just all psyched

'Cause I thought you came
here to do it in the alley,

But it turns out
you're pregnant.

I... I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

You don't have to do anything.

I just needed you
to know, in case,

Years from now, you
need a kidney.

So you'd have options.

So, I'm guessing this
means we're done,

So I'm gonna go, 'cause
I just saw a rat.

Rat. Rat. Rat.

Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. You can't just

Say something like that
and then walk away.

I mean, this is... this is
kind of my baby, too, right?

Couldn't have done
it without you.

Well, then, I want
to be involved.

Are you sure?

Because I can do the
rest without you.

I mean, it's such a
big responsibility

- And you're so young.
- Look,

My dad walked out on me,
and I used to think it was

'Cause I'd done something
wrong, you know?

I can't stand to think there'd
be some little kid out there

Wondering why his dad
didn't love him.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I hate your dad.

We are not naming
the baby after him.

I want to be there
for you, okay?

And him...

Or her or them.

So, what do we do now,
that special breathing?

It's a little early for that.

Yeah, but it's making
me feel better.

I mean, I guess

If you want, you
can come with me

To my first doctor appointment.

I'll do better than that.

I'll drive you there.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That is the sweetest,
most perfect...

I love you.

- What?
- What?

So, do you drive a Rent-a-Van
as some sort of a second job?

I wish.

No, I was only
crashing at Davis'

Until his brother
got out of prison.

Well, when does he get out?

- Yesterday.
- Can't wait to meet him.

Well, don't worry, I'll
just sleep in the van.

Well, not here.

Back there, you know.

It's nice except when
I park on a hill.

Well, lucky we live
in San Francisco

Where there are no hills.

You look pretty in
that paper gown.

Well, I feel pretty.

Cold, cold,

Cold, cold, cold!

You do this all day?

This is like robot porn.

Yes, it is.

Okay, Billie,

Your chart here says
you're thirty...

Bada-bada-bada, ba-ba-ba!

Seven.

You said you were 32.

That was when I thought

I was never gonna see you again.

There's the heartbeat.

Oh, my God.

And that is your baby.

Wow.

It's beautiful.

- It looks just like you.
- I know!

I think you should stay with me.

Temporarily.

Till a couch opens up.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't
want to complicate your life.

Why stop now?

So, you're really gonna
let Zack move in?

You're supposed to
taste the rainbow,

Not let it live in your office.

What was I supposed to do?

Let the father of my
child live in a van

So he could be hiked up
by some crazy drifter?

He lives in a van!

He is the crazy drifter!

Dude, this place is sick.

What's that?

An armoire.

- What's that?
- A cake plate.

- What's that?
- A sconce.

Sconce. Sweet.

Dude, I gotta knock
me up a cougar.

Hello, there!

I prefer the term
"lynx" or "ocelot."

Dude, she sounds like Shrek.

Where's the kitchen?

Why can't Zack and Billie
have a relationship?

Look at Ashton and Demi.

Oh, no, no, this is
not a relationship.

We're not having sex anymore.

Look, I'm a mother now.

I have to do what
a mother would do

And my mother never
would've slept with him.

Holy crap, you didn't tell mom.

Okay.

Zack and I spoke and he agreed
we just need set boundaries.

Look, I like you a lot,
but we talked about this.

Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?

Yeah, but when you said,
"Don't touch my stuff,"

I thought you meant, like, your
soy milk and your computer.

No, I meant don't
touch my stuff.

Okay, I got it.

Yay, boundaries.

I've made a horrible mistake.

Technically, you've made a
series of horrible mistakes.

I feel this weird
bond with Zack,

Which is probably
just the hormones,

But I have to think of
my future, you know?

I mean, I want a
husband one day.

One with a checking account

And a toothbrush he acquired via
purchase rather than "dibs."

I just can't believe how
complicated everything got.

This? Oh-ho-ho!

This isn't complicated.

What's going to be complicated

Is when you have to
start telling people.

Telling people what?

Oh, hello, boss.

I was just...

What? Oh.

You look great.

Oh, I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Oh, wait, you do.

No, really,

You're... you're glowing.

Did you do something different?

You have no idea.

Listen, I've... I've
thought about it,

And I think I'm ready.

Ready?

Now you're ready?

I want us to go to
the next level.

What's the next level?

We could live together.

What? Where?

Sometimes at my place,
sometimes at your place.

That's not living together.

It's not?

I miss you.

You should miss me.

I'm fantastic.

There are other men
who realize that.

Men who don't keep
there emotions hidden

Like they're nuclear codes.

Available, mature men.

It's getting more
complicated...!

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd bring you lunch.
I made you a spinach salad.

It's full of iron that'll
be good for the...

- Ba-ba...!
- For the baby. What?

Why doesn't anyone know
what "ba..." means

Baby?

Yeah, she's having my baby.

Cool, huh?

Who is this clown?

- I'm Zack, I'm the father.
- What?

I've gotta update
my Facebook status.

Wait a minute, wait, you're
having this punk's baby?

What is this, some
desperate cry for help?

Not desperate. It's empowering!

Hey, who do you think
you're talking to?

You're gonna talk to
somebody, you talk to me.

Am I gonna have
to call security?

Why, you can't handle
me yourself, Grandpa?

Ooh,

- This is fantastic, yes!
- Oh...

You should know that
I know Krav Maga.

Fine, call him...
I'll fight him, too!

Zack, James, stop, stop!

Stop, stop!

What are you doing?

There's no reason you
should even care.

I know I've screwed
up a lot with you,

But I've always cared.

Are you gonna eat that salad?

Hey, roomie, let me
help you with that.

Hey, a surprise party.

Um, you met Davis and Ryan

and this is Shane.

He just got out of prison.

Not violent... drug related.

Oh... Good.

Does he baby-sit?

Say hi to Billie, guys.

She doesn't look that old.

Is that not okay
that they're here?

- 'Cause they were just helping me...
- No, no, it's fine.

I just need to put
these groceries away

And maybe eat an
entire sheet cake.

Don't go in there.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

What, do you walk around going,

"Hulk hungry!"

It was... It was an accident.

But no worries, Shane
thinks he can reattach it.

He learned lots of handyman
skills in the joint.

Really?

What is your problem?

You, you, you!

You pick me up in a
bar, you call me again,

You have some kind of
crazy magic super sperm,

You're like the worst one-night
stand in the history of time.

Hey, right back at you, okay?

I don't know how they
did things in your day,

But nowadays girls
say stuff like,

"Hey, dude, I'm
not on the pill."

In my day?

This is still my day.

It's not even lunch in my day.

God, why did I let you move in?

"Let me" move in?

I don't need to be here.

I was fine on my own!

Oh, yeah, you were thriving!

Why don't you just move
back to your old place?

It's parked right outside.

Love to!

Hey, Shawshank, if you
want to fix that fridge...

I'm packing up your crap.

No, I'm packing up my own crap.

Oh, my god, a nursery.

We painted it lavender
'cause we didn't know

What sex the baby is

And pink plus blue
makes lavender.

Shane did the bears.

He's better with skulls but
we went with the bears.

I mean, do you like it?

We can paint it any
color you want.

It's wonderful.

So, I'll just get my stuff.

No, you can't.

I mean, please don't.

I really like what you
bring to my apartment

You want me to stay?

Yeah. I mean, you might
want to keep the truck

As a nice, little
pied-à-terre, but sure.

Where are you guys going?

Never mind that blow up.

Just hormones.

It's all good.

Were you using my grandmother's
urn as a water pipe?

I just want to say...

I know this is weird,

But I'm really glad I met you.

Me, too!

Is the floor too hard?

Nah.

This is kind of romantic.

I'm not sleeping with you.

Okay.

Hey, so what do you
want for breakfast?

I can make, uh, eggs Florentine,

Chocolate chip waffles,
fruit smoothies...

I love you.

- What?
- What?